


Never Meant (To Fall in Love)

by JMoonrise



Category: Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Happy Ending, Heavy on the angst in the beginning but super soft about halfway through, Lots of Fluff and Family Moments, Shameless Smut, Slow Burn, Soft Claire and Jamie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:01:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 54
Words: 307,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22332304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JMoonrise/pseuds/JMoonrise
Summary: When life throws a curveball, sometimes you have to decide whether to hit or miss. Jamie and Claire have missed in the past, but perhaps it’s time to finally take a hit and embrace the something that’s bigger than them.
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp & Jamie Fraser, Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser
Comments: 1498
Kudos: 705





	1. Words Ain't Enough

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to Raffaela for sending me the original story so I had a baseline to work from. While this initially was a repost with some edits, it’s turned into a rewrite. I’ve changed the characterisation of both Jamie and Claire, which has made all of the difference.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this my attempt to fix what I didn’t like in the original version of this story. I’ve never shied away from discussing complex issues like mental health and the like, and I do my best to write characters who are flawed and real. I don’t believe in simple solutions even in fiction, so it’s a ride. The good things come with patience and time. I know that’s not for everyone and that’s okay, but this story does touch on things that not everyone will be comfortable with and could potentially cause some tears.  
> This is a passion project for me, and I’ve put in a lot of time, effort, and feelings into this.

_“Loving you was like going to war; I never came back the same.” –Warsan Shire_

* * *

Then

_2009_

_Rain fell heavily outside, yet the occupants inside the office gathered around the large conference table, hardly noticed. The mood was somber enough and the gloom inside seemed to have a direct effect on the weather outside. The tension in the room was thick as final details were confirmed. Papers would be signed for the final dissolution of a five year marriage._

_Agreements were negotiated by third parties as the two represented parties merely stared at one another across the table. Not a single word was exchanged between them during the last few months. They watched and listened as others talked on their behalf. Few words were spoken once a decision was agreed upon three months before, and contact was to be restricted between them._

_Distant blue eyes stared almost pleadingly into tired, broken brown eyes. The light disappeared sometime in the last two years and had yet to return. Sometimes he wasn't sure if it had ever been there._

_Time had turned them into battle hardened warriors. The life had been stripped away until not much was left of the people they once were. They were mere shadows of the young, fresh faced graduates waiting to set out in the world. The fights stopped and soon enough the bed emptied. Hearts broke as the struggle continued daily. The struggle to talk without arguing, or to listen without objecting and passing blame. The passion remained, but the love was torn away and twisted into something unrecognizable, something ugly and destructive. They were empty shells, and not the people they were supposed to be._

_“I need you to sign here Mrs. Fraser.” The woman brushed away a tear as she picked up the pen. Her hand slowed as it moved towards the paper and she hesitated. Her eyes lifted and caught his. He stared at her and his eyes dropped to her hand. There was sadness, but he didn’t protest as her hand moved in brisk flourishes across the paper._

_She pushed the paper away, wanting it as far away as possible from her. It was a representation of the end of ten years of her life with the man across from her. The woman’s head turn away as tears fell freely down her face. She knew it was truly over between them now when he couldn't speak the words to stop her from signing._

_He didn’t want to make it any more difficult for her, so he quickly added his signature to the documents. It was the last time their names would sit beside each other on documents listing them as married. “Okay, from here we will file the paperwork. There will be a hearing date where the judge will decide whether or not to approve your divorce petition and the custody agreement. For the most part, you're done with the process. Once the judge approves, a temporary judgment of divorce will be entered after thirty days. It will become permanent after ninety days.”_

_The announcement caused a knot to form in her stomach. They weren't words she imagined she would ever hear. She was officially getting a divorce._

_Mrs. Fraser stood up and quickly exited the room before Mr. Fraser could approach her. Mr. Fraser was on his feet instantly and grabbed her hand before she had the chance to make her escape. She pivoted to face him, anger swirling in her dark orbs. He took a step back._

_"What do you want?"_

_He shuffled, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Can we talk?"_

_She scoffed. "I think we've done a lot of talking. I just want you erect," she closed her eyes, her fingers rubbing her temples as she muttered incoherently to herself. "I've seriously got to work on that. Regardless, I want to erect some space between us even if you are leaving soon because I- every time we are in close proximity I'm confused. I mean I'm not confused about the events that led us here because hello we were both very clear on that and what transpired and blonde harlots who desire other women's husbands and so not the point at the moment. I need time to figure myself out after this disaster." She straightened her shoulders, her face hardening as she stared at him expectantly. He had a purpose for stopping her and she wanted to know what it was. She sighed as she hadn’t meant to lose her temper. The fight faded from her and she lowered her shoulders. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said all of that. I did mean some of it about the time and space because Jamie ten years is a long time and I need to figure out how to separate myself from you.”_

_Mr. Fraser lowered his eyes as he finally saw it, the cracks in her facade. In truth, he hadn't given much thought to how she was handling the situation after they decided this was their best option, but he never imagined he would see her unravel. As it dawned on him, his carefully prepared words drifted away. He didn’t want to put anymore stress on the situation. "I get it."_

_For a moment, her face slipped and he saw the old her before she put her mask in place again. She nodded at him. "Bye Jamie," he heard the catch in her voice as she turned away from him. He watched her walk away, helpless to do much but give her what she wanted. They tried and they cashed and burned. It was time for them to pick themselves up off the floor and start anew._

_"Goodbye Claire," he whispered to the empty lobby._

_The drive home seemed to take longer than usual, but it allowed her time to think, to reflect. She thought about the day they met, the day they married, and everyday between then and now. It was as if she were on a tightrope. She kept trying to balance it all. There was school, marriage, family, and work. It was hard and the fragments in her marriage began to show. Each year, the cracks spread farther and farther apart until one day she discovered she slept next to a stranger. It was unbelievable, almost unthinkable. She had known the man for so long, and could barely hold a conversation let alone look at him anymore. All she felt when she stared at him was an overwhelming amount of sadness and guilt. Most of all, she felt alone._

_Her phone dinged as she pulled into her driveway. She debated whether to peek or not. With a deep sigh, she picked up the device and felt her heart break all over again._

**JF**

**Claire, I’ll always be there for ye and the lasses. The end of our marriage changes nothing for me**. **Don’t forget that.**

_She didn’t have it in her to respond back to him. So many tears were shed over this man, and she wanted to start anew. A clean break was what the doctor ordered. The damage had already been done and now it was time for some repairs._

_While they were tied in technical terms, their romantic relationship was over._

Now

CPOV

I entered the house to pure chaos as two girls shouted back and forth. “Gran, where’s my favorite hoodie?” My eldest child’s voice called out impatiently. I was tempted to scold her for her tone. She and her sister were running around the house in an attempt to gather the belongings they wanted to bring with them for the summer.

I found Bree first as she dug around in the hall closet, while her sister was pounding around somewhere on the second floor. “What’s going on here?” I asked, placing my hands on my hips.

Bree paused and craned her neck. “Oh hello mom, I’m trying to find my riding boots. Daddy got a new horse on the estate and said we could ride it.” I ran a hand through her wild, red curls. They normally were much more tame, but it had rained most of the day causing them to frizz. “We got home late so we haven’t had much time to finish packing.” Their flight was leaving at ten tonight to make the time transition easier. Jet lag was horrid, especially for children. We purposely scheduled their flights so they could sleep on the plane and be less likely to sleep after traveling.

“This is why I told both of you to start packing a week ago.” She smiled sheepishly and my heart stopped at the sight. Bree was the spitting image of her father, and sometimes it hurt to have the reminder. It didn’t stop me from loving her, it actually caused me to love her more. “Your boots are in the car from the last time you went riding.” She flushed a light shade of pink before running out the front door.

I shook my head in defeat. I could lecture the girls until I was blue in the face to stop procrastinating and they still would, probably to spite me. They were this way about everything. It was definitely not something they inherited for me. There was too much of their father in them. I preferred everything to be neat and orderly.

I made my way up the stairs of our Cambridge townhouse to find my mother standing in my daughter’s doorway. She smiled at the sight of her granddaughter attempting to stuff as many things into her suitcase as would fit. Her room was in complete disarray as she tossed her shoes and clothes.

“Isla, love, it would be so much easier if you actually folded your clothes before placing them inside.” Isla wasn’t phased at all and continued to search for more items in her room that she could bring with her. The girls acted as if they were packing for a year abroad instead of a couple of months.

I rolled my eyes and entered her untidy room. I usually re-packed their suitcases for them as neither was particularly organized. “How was your last day, darling?” Isla an all girl’s Catholic school. Bree was at another school until fifth grade when she would switch over to her sister’s school.

We considered as a family allowing them to attend through eighth grade at Bree’s current school, but after looking into other schools we found Newton Country Day. It was 5-12, which kept the girls at the same school through high school. I much preferred this option. Luckily, both schools were each about twenty minutes away from my workplace. I could be there at a moment's notice in case of an emergency. My mother took both girls to school each morning. Bree was dropped off first as her school was the closest to the house. It took some time for us to fully settle into this particular area of Cambridge. We used to live far closer to the Harvard Medical campus when I was a student, but after the divorce, I could no longer stay in our former apartment. There were too many memories. I wanted something that would be mine instead of ours where I could build a new life.

My mum came over from England about a year after Jamie moved back to Scotland. She knew how much I struggled with managing two younger children, and one just beginning to start school. She was a true godsend.

“Mum, do you think you could assist Bree?” She sent me a tender look and chuckled. “I’m afraid her suitcase might look something like this as well.”

My mother, Julia Beauchamp was a force to be reckoned with for sure. She raised me and my brother all by herself after my father died. She was left with a broken heart, yet somehow stayed strong enough for us. She was my hero. She was moving out in a few weeks, which meant more changes on the horizon for our family.

“Of course love, I was already planning on intervening before your arrival. I fear your children are far too much like yourself.” I shot her a dirty look quite offended by her accusations.

I was not nearly as terrible as my children when it came to packing for holiday. They made everything so bloody hard and insisted on several trips to the store; often with remarks such as “I’ve run out” or “it’s eight weeks” or my favorite “they don’t have that in Scotland.” I found it hard not roll my eyes constantly at their ridiculousness.

“Mom?” I glanced up from my folding to find Isla Faith with a pensive look. “Do you wish that we didn’t have to go?”

I stared uncomprehendingly at my daughter. She was older than her sister and was able to remember the years after the divorce a bit better. “Come here sweetheart,” I patted her bed beckoning her to me. She cuddled up beside me and I loved it. As she grew older, moments like these were few and far between as she claimed she wanted her independence. Although sometimes I could entice her into my bed for a good cuddle session. “I don’t mind you guys going to visit your father. I lost my own when I was five, and I don’t begrudge the time you spend with him.” I stroked her dark red hair. It wasn’t as bright as her father’s or sister’s. “I do get lonely, but then I think about all the time I have with you that he doesn’t. He lives an entire ocean away and relies primarily on FaceTime and phone calls to get him through until your next visit.”

The custody situation was decided on when he chose to move back to Scotland. Both of the girls were born in the United States. While the girls hold citizenship in the U.K., neither of them have lived there for a period longer than two months. They only use their U.S. passports as it was easier for them to leave and re-enter the country without any issues.

“Would you ever get back with dad?” From the moment she had a good grasp on the situation between her father and I, it was the question she thought about and asked the most. She liked to think she remembered what it was like when her dad was around. She was almost three at the time, so it was clear whether or not her memory was reliable or not. It was fuzzy for her, but she told me she remembered how I kissed her father when he came home from work every night.

I pressed a kiss to her strawberry scented hair. She smelled like strawberries, outside, and something that was just Isla.“No darling, your father and I don’t fit together anymore. We live here and he lives in Scotland. It’s already hard to manage a long distance relationship, imagine having an intercontinental one. However, we both love you and your sister, and that won’t ever change.” It was perhaps the only thing we agreed on at the end. We wanted to do what was best for our children, and I think ultimately we have. I try to give him as much time with them as I can without compromising their schooling or my plans. She nodded, seemingly okay with my answer. I knew she would never fully be satisfied with anything I told her. Like any child of divorced parents, her dream was for us to get back together. It was evasive at best, but explaining the situation to an eleven year old was difficult. It was an adult problem, nothing little girls needed to worry about.

“I’m kind of nervous about going to dad’s.” I hadn’t the slightest idea why. She loved going to Scotland every summer. No one else in her class regularly spent their summers abroad. “Now that my body is starting to go through.. you know… changes, it’s weird. I can’t talk to him about these sorts of things. Like what if I get my period? He’s a boy, and dad isn’t the greatest at female stuff.” Her face was one of horror at the mere thought of starting puberty with only her dad around. I couldn't imagine how Jamie would handle it either. I could only imagine what Jamie managed to mangle with her. It wasn’t until we were married that he would go out and buy tampons for me.

I knew it was a worry of hers, especially now that she would be twelve soon enough. Several of her friends had already started their cycles, and she was eagerly anticipating and dreading when it would happen to her. She so desperately wanted to be a woman, when I just wanted her to remain a little girl forever. She was growing far too fast for my liking. I don't recall being this way, but I'm sure my mother would contradict me.

I chuckled. “If it does, you can always have your father call your Aunt Jenny. You can also call me at any time. I’m only a phone call away even if you call and wake me in the early hours of the morning.” I smoothed down her wavy hair.

She reddened at the reminder of her first visit with her father. My baby had not quite grasped the concept of time zones, and forced her father to ring me at two a.m. east coast time. I couldn’t stay mad though as soon as I heard her voice. She cried a bit because she missed me and home. She was a mere three years old, and didn't quite comprehend why she couldn't see me. Trying to explain distance wasn’t an easy task, and it was years before she fully comprehended how far it was. At that point in time, it was only Isla visiting her father. Bree was still too young as she was still several months away from being two and I couldn't subject my mother to two cranky toddlers. My mother flew with Isla to deliver her to their father. Jenny flew with the girl back and visited for a few days with us. We still talked, but she knew well enough not to mention her brother in my presence. There were topics that we ignored to maintain a balance and to help me keep my stability.

“How was your last day of school?” Isla recently finished sixth grade, and she was such a magnificent student. A change of topic was best to distract her from her favorite topic.

She beamed happily at me. I knew then that I asked the right question. “It was great. Ms. Andrews gave us time to sign yearbooks during homeroom. She signed all of ours. Then during assembly we shared our plans for the summer. I wish I was going to be here so that I could participate in the summer service project.” She was such a generous soul. I knew it came from her father, who was always willing to help out the tenants who rented out land on his estate. He would argue it was a trait inherited from me.

They had such huge hearts and did everything to help those in need. “My big sister gave me a gift. Soon enough, I get to be a big sister.” Big sisters were eighth graders assigned to the students in the 5-7th grades. Each girl received one during orientation. It was good for building relationships between grades and creating a positive school dynamic and tradition.

Isla’s big sisters were regulars at our house. It was usually filled with many of their classmates during the weekend. There was no shortage of noise in our house. The school year was busy, and I relied on my mother and the other parents at school to assist with getting the girls to their activities.

“We had our last mass this morning. It’s going to be weird to attend mass with daddy again. We always go with grandma or you when you are off work. It’s different there though with the whole accent thing. Sometimes I can’t always tell what’s being said. I’m going to miss choir and seeing my friends everyday." She dropped her eyes to the floor. "We mostly cried today though. Kara is moving to California. I won’t even be here for her goodbye party.” Her face crumpled and a tear fell down her cheek. I brushed it away with my thumb, wanting nothing more than to hold her in my arms forever.

I was completely gutted by this revelation. It was hard to realize the things my children were deprived of because they had divorced parents living in different parts of the world. Eight weeks of their freedom was spent in the British Isles where aside from family, they didn't know anyone.

“I’m sorry.” It was all I could offer her. Kara had been one of the first friends she made at her new school. They were on the same sports team and hit it off immediately.

She shrugged. “I also have to figure out how to practice for field hockey.” Isla and Bree were quite the athletes. I didn’t have a single athletic bone in my body, but my daughters sure did. They took after their father in that respect. She joined the team this past school year. She also played softball in the spring. Isla started with T-ball at four and continued on from there. She showed such an aptitude and the coaches were impressed with her skills, especially since I knew nothing about the sport.

Bree was a soccer player as the Americans called it. She played all year round. Nothing could distract her when she was in soccer mode. She played club and for her school.

“Maybe your dad will practice with you,” I suggested. I’m sure he could figure it out. He went to a few baseball games, and it wasn't all that different from softball.

We eventually finished packing her suitcase and carry on. I doubled checked her backpack for all of her travel documents including the notarized letter, her passport, their itinerary, her money, and her tablet and charger. Her hand was constantly attached to her phone.

There was extra room in her suitcase for when she ended up bringing home more things than she left with. It wouldn’t be the first time. Jamie tended to indulge the girls wants when they visited. It mostly gave me an excuse to clean out their rooms at the end of summer.

After we were done, we went to check on the progress of her sister. Bree and my mother were just about done themselves. “How about some take out?” I suggested, not in the mood to cook after being called in at four a.m.

I knew with all of the excitement, my mother hadn’t had an opportunity to start on dinner. Both girls cheered excitedly as they did whenever we ate out. It was a rare treat in our house. “Vietnamese,” they agreed upon immediately as they shared a look.

It was our last family dinner for eight weeks. It was one of my favorite nights of the year because it was spent together gathered around the table telling all kinds of stories. Sometimes we shared new ones, and other times we talked about our favorites. It was such a wonderful tradition as I enjoyed time with both of my girls. Their faces lit up and their eyes sparkled as we all talked and laughed.

It amazed me every year how much they had grown. Bree was nine years old heading into the fourth grade. She was becoming more independent with each passing day. Many mornings passed where she no longer wanted me to style her hair. She worked on school projects by herself without requiring any assistance and when shopping for clothes she preferred to search without me hovering over her shoulder.

She was so young when Jamie and I first split, and I wasn’t sure how that would affect her in the long run. In retrospect, she probably had the easiest time with it. For her, having divorced parents wasn’t unusual. She essentially never knew any other way to live and it was just life. It wasn’t entirely uncommon amongst her classmates despite it generally being a taboo in Catholicism. Some of her friends from soccer had divorced parents though, and I'd overheard her on a few occasions talk about what a struggle it could be. Her friends leant a sympathetic ear, and they all passed along advice.

“Do you remember the first time Bree and I visited you at the hospital together?” My face flushed with remembered embarrassment. Bree had been four years old at the time. She knew the general idea of where babies came from, and she interacted with her first pregnant woman. I was coming around the corner at the time when I heard her exclaim, “I see your belly. I know what you did.” The woman she encountered flushed delicately and quickly scurried away in mortification. The nurses who observed the whole ordeal still had a good laugh about it now.

Isla chortled as Bree moaned her mortification. “I was four.” She protested loudly. Laughter surrounded us, and I knew the next few weeks would pass us quickly.

“Remember when you got your first official Valentine from a boy?” I asked Isla. She smiled weakly at me as she attempted to hide behind her hair. “Isla comes home from third grade with this card and a flower. She tells me this boy has been telling everyone he has a huge crush on her. He wanted her to be his girlfriend. I asked her if she liked him back. Isla then says ‘boys are too gross for a pretty girl like me’. When he asked if she wanted to have a play date, Isla told him she only played with girls.”

Isla covered her red face as Bree giggled uncontrollably. “That’s so funny. You were a snob.” The two of them traded barbs back and forth in that way only siblings could. I knew it was how they expressed their love for one another. It only bothered me when there were slamming doors and yelling/shoving involved.

The girls cleared up the dinner mess and soon enough the car was loaded up with their suitcases.

While the girls weren’t departing until ten, they had to go through TSA. I had to check them in and wait for someone to escort them because of their age. There was a special process for unaccompanied minors, especially since this was an international flight.

I parked my SUV in short-term parking as I helped them unload their massive suitcases. We checked their bags and print out their tickets. I waited with them for the airline representative to arrive to take them through security.

I forced back tears as I hugged and kissed them for the last time for eight weeks. It was always the hardest part of when they left. I watched them as they disappeared into the fold. It took a while for their red heads to mesh into the crowd.

Now I needed to keep myself busy until they returned to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone noticed, I did change one of the dinner table stories. Isla's line about boys being gross is actually something my little cousin told me last summer. She drops a lot of one-liners and last year she said a lot of them, which I recorded. 
> 
> If you're not on [ _tumblr_](https://sappho-mia.tumblr.com), you were likely surprised to find I took down the story. Last year and a few before that have been a trial for me and my mental health. I was unsatisfied with the final product of Rivers for a vatiety of reasons and nearly had an emotional breakdown over it. It was easier in the end to remove it from my life and to ultimately take a hiatus. I quit social media. I read a few books. I started making a few changes to my life.


	2. Slipping Through My Fingers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daddy Jamie and his lasses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being so supportive in my re-upload. As with the last chapter, there are a few differences, and the second half of the story overall is going to be a bit different. I did make a final decision to cut a plot. I didn't like how it fit into the story or what it said about their relationship. If you've read Rivers before, you'll know when we get there what I've decided to get rid of.

J POV

The airport was busier than usual as people bustled around me. There were tearful reunions, stiff pleasantries exchanged, and some people were simply there by themselves. My favorite time of year had come around once again, and I was prepared for another summer with my daughters.

The lasses were growing up, and I struggled sometimes with the distance between us. Often we connected through video chatting where they regaled me with tales about school, sports, and other anecdotes from their daily lives. They frequently left out mentions of their mother, and sometimes it hurt more than I could express. Jenny told me they noticed how my mood dipped when Claire was mentioned. I didn’t want them to feel as if they had to monitor and edit their stories to prevent me from hurting. It was difficult to share those sorts of feelings with children as I knew they merely wanted to protect me in what ways they could. I wasn't bothered by their modifications, but it always made me wonder what they were omitting from their stories.

I watched through narrowed eyes as another group of people came down the escalator. I recognized my two red heads in the fold, and waited patiently as the airline representative escorted them to me. I brought out my identification and signed the documents releasing them into my custody as quickly as I could. The girls exchanged goodbyes, and then it was the three of us.

“Hi daddy,” Bree exclaimed happily, throwing her long arms around my middle. The first thing I noticed about her was her height. In the last six months, she had grown at least two or three inches. She was gaining height on her sister, and growing up so fast. It seemed there were other changes from the way she wore her hair to the way she carried herself. She exhibited self-assuredness in who she was. It was becoming increasingly harder to ignore that she was on the cusp of adolescence.

I hugged her a bit tighter to me than normal, savoring this moment when she was still my little girl. Soon enough, I would be the last person she’d want hugging her in public. Isla was already withdrawing from any sort of affection. I enfolded Isla into our family embrace even though she generally shied away from public displays. Everything was embarrassing to her these days.

Isla was a bit more mortified by my antics than her sister. She slid out of my grasp and smoothed down her hair with flushed cheeks as her eyes darted around the concourse. I struggled to compose myself because at Hogmanay I assumed it was other outside issues that kept her distant from me. Unlike her sister Brianna, Isla couldn’t be classified as merely a child any longer. While there were noticeable differences in Bree from when I last saw her, it was Isla who had completely transformed unbeknownst to me.

Isla was never particularly girly or cared for her looks much when she was younger. She rarely brushed her hair unless Jenny or her mother wrangled her and outright refused dresses and skirts. She loved rough housing with her male cousins, playing sports with her family, and being boisterous. I hadn’t paid much attention the previous summer, but she was in the midst of a change. I attributed her behavior to a mere phase and even dismissed the changes at Hogmanay. I recalled Jenny being fickle at the same age, and thought that’s what it was.

It wasn’t until a FaceTime call a few weeks ago where I saw for the first time the differences in her. She was becoming a lovely young woman. It wasn’t just her appearance either, but how she spoke. Her voice no longer carried that childish high pitch and instead sounded deeper. Her hair had further darkened, her face thinned, and gone was the little girl who believed I could touch the sky.

She wasn’t my wee bairn anymore, and I wasn’t was okay with that. I remembered holding her in my arms the moment she was cleared by the doctors, and thinking I was the luckiest man in the world. “Look at ye, ye’ve grown so much.” She was nearly as tall as her mother after spending much of her childhood significantly shorter than her cousins and her peers.

“Thanks dad,” she shifted uncomfortably under my gaze. Her attention was redirected to the luggage and she pointed out their suitcases to me. I lifted them with ease off the conveyor belt, and was about to roll them when they resisted. “Dad, we can do it ourselves. Mom says it’s important if you can do things for yourself.” Somehow i could hear more in that statement than what was explicitly said. It sounded like something Claire would say. She wasn’t one to generally allow me to do things for her as she despised being considered helpless or incapable. “How was your flight?” I shifted the topic to something easy. It was hard transitioning into our relationship after ages apart.

“It was good. The movie selection was okay, but that’s why mom let us bring our tablets. She let us buy three new movies for the trip each. It was a long one though. We didn't have time to nap before we left home yesterday. We kinda had some last minute packing to complete.” Isla ducked her head to hide the blush adorning her face. I was amused because it was definitely a trait they inherited from me. I was a notorious procrastinator, whilst Claire was notorious for planning out every single detail.

I noticed both girls were dead on their feet and were dragging as we made our way to the car park. While they were excited to see me again, they had a layover in London that got delayed for an hour. It was already a long journey from the States, and I figured it was best to get them home for a little kip.

I purchased the house not long after I returned to Scotland. While Jenny offered me Lallybroch, I didn’t feel comfortable taking it from her. She and Ian were raising their family and I only had a part time one. They were settled in the house; it seemed unfair for them to have to relocate if I only had the lasses with me in the summer. The house and estate were meant for a family.

I instead found a place in Edinburgh for me to reside. It was a detached family home, and while the girls wouldn’t necessarily be with me all the time, they needed somewhere to come home to when they visited instead of a flat. The garden was big enough for a playhouse and a trampoline. Although, the playhouse hadn’t been touched in two summers. I couldn’t bear to part with it though. The girls planted flowers a few years before that I tried to keep up with when they were gone.

The sitting room was surprisingly spacious, and they never complained otherwise. They spent the majority of the time in front of the telly or in their rooms. I knew they lived in a fairly spacious house with their mother that they had grown up in. They were friendly with their neighbours and spent time with some of their elderly neighbours who took a shine to them. I never asked for full specifics, but occasionally I caught glimpses when they were moving amongst the rooms in the house. I had only been inside a few times, but only in the entry hall and kitchen and that was eons ago.

It was hard enough realizing that my daughters were growing up city children when I spent my childhood in the Highlands, but they were also Americans. It was a different culture. They were experiencing an entirely different way of growing up from what I knew.

Prior to starting school, they had similar pronunciations of vowels as Claire and her mother, but as soon as Isla regularly began to attend preschool, she adopted the same accent as her peers. Bree picked it up from her sister. It wasn’t an issue, but it created a sort of distance. There were aspects of their lives I couldn’t relate to as we had entirely different upbringings. Even Claire had grown up in the city, so there was that commonality shared between them.

I hadn't been stateside often unless it was business or an emergency, and I wasn't as caught up on events as I should've been. I knew it was strange for them to come to Scotland as people stared at them strangely when they spoke. I noticed the questioning glances people gave me as soon as the American accents were detected. It wasn't for them to pry, and the only ones who truly knew the situation were family, friends, and coworkers. It was odd as people expected the three of us to have the same accent. Worse than that was when strangers assumed I was still married. I was babbling idiot as I tried to explain we were divorced. 

As soon as we were in the car, they were fast asleep. The long night seemed to have caught up with them, and neither were resistant to the soothing vibrations of a car in motion. I couldn’t help but think it made them appear younger. Their heads lolled against the windows, and sweet Bree slept with her mouth open. I figured now was as good of time to make the call to their mother to inform her of their arrival. Isla had likely sent a text when they landed, but it was my duty to make sure she knew they were safe.

I dialed the familiar number into my mobile and waited as it rang. The phone clicked, and I was rewarded with a breathy “hello” on my speaker.

“Good morning Claire, the girls have arrived safely.” I informed her. It was a courtesy call we extended to one another whenever we exchanged the children.

There was a hesitation on her end, and I would’ve thought she had hung up if I hadn’t heard her breathing. “Thank you for letting me know. I always worry when they travel.” I caught the tears in her voice, but didn’t comment knowing it would make the call more tense and awkward. We didn't talk about certain things anymore out of respect for one another’s privacy. “I’m sorry. I’m being silly and emotional. You would think after all these years I would be okay with this, but it never gets any easier.” I pictured her watery, whiskey colored eyes and her long fingers gently brushing away stray tears as she tried to choke back sobs. “Can you tell them to call me? I’m sure they’ve long entered the world of dreams.”

“Yes, I can do that for ye. Ye’re no’ being silly. I feel the same way when I send them home.” The middle of August was a difficult time for me. It gutted me to see them walking away from me in the airport and then spending the next several months not seeing them. We alternated holidays, so this year they would be with Claire for Nollaig and Hogmanay. Sometimes I had them for easter depending on their school holidays, but our time together was usually reserved for the summer. “Is there a specific time you’d like them to ring?” I knew she worked crazy hours, and it wasn’t always easy to get in touch with her depending on her shift.

She sighed on the other end of the line. “Well I’ve actually just been called in on my day off, but I will have my phone with me in surgery. I really have to go Jamie. Goodbye.” She ended the call before I had the opportunity to return the sentiment. It was typical of our exchanges.

Our shared conversations over the years were stilted, awkward, and often revolved around our daughters. It was the only safe topic we generally agreed upon. I knew there were areas of her life I was no longer privy to, and I tried not to push too much into her business unless it directly affected our children. In the intervening months of our initial separation and our divorce, I struggled immensely to respect her boundaries. I was accustomed to knowing all of the details of her life, and to suddenly not know anything was an adjustment.

In the end, it was better to have a little bit of her than nothing at all. She tried to provide me as many chances to take part in my daughters’ lives despite a distance of some three thousand miles. I was allowed to partake in the conversation of selecting schools for them when it came time for enrollment in kindergarten. I assisted in providing the tuition payments, despite Claire telling me it wasn’t necessary. I made sure she was aware, we were equally responsible for providing financially for them. Their teachers emailed me during conference time, so that I was aware of their school performance. I was on the mailing list for their school newsletters.

I sent monthly child support payments, but she informed me, she set aside the money to pay for the girls to go to university in the future. At first. it stung that I wasn’t able to directly provide for my children, but I worked on getting over it. I was proud that Claire had made a good life for herself. She did use some of the funds for their multiple activities, but as far as day to day went, she provided for their needs. 

Sure it did clash with the innate responsibility I felt towards them and that had been ingrained me by my father, but it was important to maintain the status quo. Claire was a stubborn woman. I knew she wasn't doing it to hurt me, but to show me that she was able to take care of the girls. It wasn’t as if my money wouldn’t contribute in the future. University was expensive.

At least during the summer, I had time to shower them with attention and gifts. I never went overboard as most of their things had to stay in Scotland. While they certainly carried treasures back, there just wasn’t enough room to bring everything. The summers were for us.

We arrived home a little after half past two. My weary travelers were barely conscious. Bree looked around with sleep in her eyes as she unbuckled her seatbelt. She leaned into the car as I unloaded the bags, while Isla rested against her sister. While I could see all the changes in them and how they had grown up, it was nice to have this reminder that they were still my wee ones.

“Alright, girls I will bring your bags in since both of ye can barely stand upright. Why don’t ye go rest?” Neither responded to me, they used each other as a support to walk up the driveway. Isla used her key to unlock the door and they disappeared inside. I had to wonder why neither lass slept on the plane. They had been up for over twenty-four hours if what they had said was true.

Both girls slept for a few hours, and I use the time to handle some work calls. I checked in with my employees at the brewery and the pub, and then called Jenny and Ian about the arrangements for the weekend.

Eight weeks always went by far too quickly. I wasn’t a planner in the extreme sense though as sometimes life was unpredictable. Some days the lasses and I went out and allowed the adventures to find us, or sometimes we stayed inside. We would make forts, pop some popcorn, and watch movies all day.

“Daddy?” Bree called as she came down the stairs. Her hair was all mussed and she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. It reminded me of when was a bairn. She was such a wee thing with her gingery curls and big blue eyes. Despite what Claire said, I always saw more of their mother in them than myself.

I patted the sofa and she snuggled into my side. “What is it Bree?” I pressed my lips to her hair and inhaled her lavender scent.

“I missed you. I know we talk on FaceTime all the time, but it’s not the same as when we hug. You can’t help me with my homework. Next year I’m starting French, and while mommy knows French, she doesn’t have a lot of time.” While many would say she was so much like me, it was moments such as this when I saw Claire in her. Bree wasn’t someone who edged around the truth. She told people how she felt. "I'm not as good as Isla either. I mess up my conjugations."

I sighed and pulled her onto my lap. It was hard to believe she turned nine and would be ten later this year. She was going to be double digits. When Claire and I divorced, she was nothing more than a wee babe. She had only managed to say a few words: La (Isla), ma, da, and some others mixed in.

Here she was now nearly ten years old and I was missing all of it. I had no idea what a gulf our divorce caused. It was if this were my side of the world and that was hers. I had made a few trips across the pond, but she hadn’t returned at all. “Ye ken Bree, I understand what ye’re going through. I feel the same.” She laid her head against my chest. In my mind, I hoped she would never find herself too old for a cuddle with her old da.

“The fact is that ye live with yer mam. She would be awful sad if ye stayed forever.” I wouldn’t mind it, but Claire didn’t have much as far as close family was concerned.

She had her mother, her brother, her grandparents and our children. “Did you know that I got a new cousin daddy?” Her voice took on a different tone. “His name is Charlie. He’s really eensy.” She showed me with her hands and I smirked.

“Ye ken you were that little once too?” She pulled her back her head, her curls whipping me in the face, affronted by my statement.

Her head began to shake in disagreement. “I don’t think so. It’s impossible. I don’t look that tiny in pictures.”

I kissed her forehead and let her go on believing what she wanted. Children would believe what they wanted anyway regardless of what adults said on the matter. Bree was stubborn as her mam.

“Can we order pizza for dinner?”

“Sure, why not.” I told her. I knew they didn’t eat out much as Claire preferred home cooked meals with the occasional take out. “What kind of pizza do ye want?”

About half an hour later, Isla finally made an appearance as the delivery man pulled away. “You know I think you’re just trying to bribe her.” She said with a teasing grin.

“Well I have to figure out how to win points. So tell me about school.” I knew they attended different ones, but in another year, Bree would be transferring to her sister’s school. Isla loved her school, perhaps more than she had ever enjoyed her previous one. Her face lit up as soon as she began to tell me about her friends.

They entertained me with tales from the last six months. “During Easter mass, this boy yells out ‘wait! Mom! Jesus died?’ Everyone laughed including our priest. Then our priest tells the boy to tell his mom that it’s okay to come to church every week, not just on Christmas and Easter.” Both girls giggled madly as Isla told me the story.

“Do ye go to church every week?”

They nodded. “Mommy usually goes with us, but sometimes she gets scheduled or called in. Nana always makes sure we attend. We also have mass every Friday at school.” If there was one thing that we easily agreed upon, it was that our children would be raised Catholic.

“So what are our plans for the summer daddy?” Bree asked in what she probably considered a conversational tone. I knew better after knowing her mother for so long. She was fishing.

My lips twitched as I watched her attempt to be nonchalant and Isla slid down in her chair as she shook her head. “Well I figured, we could make a visit to Lallybroch. You’re Aunt Jenny has missed you guys something terrible. The rest we can take as we go along.”

They nodded their heads in unison. “Do you think we could do some service work?” Isla questioned me.

I crinkled my brow in confusion. “Service?”

She rolled her eyes in a similar manner to her mother. I didn’t need three guesses to figure out where she acquired that skill. “Yes, you know like doing good deeds for others. Every summer girls at my school complete service projects. Since I’m not there, I thought I could do something here to earn my hours.”

I understood what she meant. I was merely confused about the context of her question. “I suppose we could. I can look into some things for us.”

I took a sip of my water just as the words “so dad, are you going to get back with mom since you and what’s her face broken up?” left my eleven year old daughter’s lips. We were apparently still stuck on that one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... it's strange. When I first wrote this, I had a designated playlist I created just for the story. I deleted it around two months ago. I'm starting fresh with this one. I've been getting inspiration from some interesting song choices.  
> What have you guys been listening to lately?


	3. I Think I Kinda, You Know

CPOV

I sat in my office reviewing charts and filling out paperwork. My residents made a few errors intheir charts, and now I was responsible for fixing them before my departmental chief noticed. Each class struggled in the first year, and it was a bit hard to transition them from being students to being surgeons. Whilst they were still learners, they had to step up. As a professional, there wasn’t always going to be someone there to cover up their mistakes. I sighed as the words began to blur together on the paper. The girls had already been gone two days and I was more than exhausted and lonely.

My shifts were practically endless as I volunteered for the graveyards. I barely left the hospital. There were still regulations about the amount of hours I could work a week, so I couldn’t work all the time. I leaned back in my chair and sank into the coziness. The bones in body cracked as I stretched my tight limbs. A groan fell from my lips. I needed a massage. My eyes slipped shut as my body finally had a chance to relax from the stress of the last few days.

_2000_

_I took my seat on the train. I lucked out and managed to grab one by the window. It was fuller than usual, but it was the end of the weekend and people were heading back to London. I rested my head against the window as I waited for the train to depart. I crossed my fingers, hoping no one would sit across or next to me._

_My eyes fluttered drowsily as I attempted to fight off sleep. It had been a long weekend. My uncle had me assisting him with his research, which was boring. I rather enjoyed history on occasion, but even I had my limits. My mum allowed me to skive off school for Thursday and Friday, and somehow helping my uncle was worse than sitting through my lessons. I wouldn’t have even minded my maths class, although my Uncle Lamb was still adamant about me completing my own schoolwork after our time in the archives. It was bloody torture._

_“Do ye mind if I sit here?” My eyes popped open to find a boy who appeared about my age staring at me expectantly. It took me a moment to remember what he asked._

_My brows furrowed. “Uh sure...” I gestured to the available space around me. It was a free country. I sat up and adjusted my position for polite company as my mother called it. I tried not to stare at him, but I couldn’t help but sneak glances at him. He was quite good looking, by far more impressive than any of the wankers who attended school with me._

_He had the loveliest ginger curls with strands of gold and copper woven throughout that made me think of sunsets as the colours blended seamlessly together. The shade was beautiful and so very opposite of my own dark coloured strands. His eyes were a deep blue with swirls of grey and he had strong Nordic features that spoke of his Viking ancestry. He had a lean build with wide shoulders, and was by far out of my league. He could have any girl he wanted without uttering a single syllable, so it was an impossibility he would view me that way._

_I caught his eyes on more than one occasion as he blatantly stared at me. My skin warmed under his heated gaze and I felt my cheeks turn pink. I couldn’t deny my attraction to him, which was unusual for me. For nearly the last year, I remained indifferent towards boys. There were better things to spend my time on. There was something different about him that made me want to know him and hang on his every word._

_“I’m Jamie,” he introduced himself with a shy smile when he finally cued onto the fact that I wasn’t going to introduce myself. His eyes crinkled at the corners, and his blues seemed brighter. How was that possible? I was jealous. I had wanted blue eyes like my brother._

_I felt my lips curling up into a smile. “My name is Claire.” I held my hand out for him to shake, which he seemed to do with a fair bit of amusement. As our skin touched, it was like electricity went through me. His touch lingered on my skin as he removed his hand from mine. What the hell was that?_

_The absence of his touch left me feeling bereft and I wanted to touch him again, in a platonic way (lie). A coldness embraced me and I wanted the warmth of his touch again. I was shocked at myself because he was a perfect stranger and I swore off the opposite sex. “Are ye from England?” He carried a natural charisma and confidence that I envied. Most of the time I talked too much and too fast, and several boys didn’t care much for what was between my ears. They preferred what was between my legs, which didn’t get them a second date._

_“Yes, I was born and raised in London. Where are you from?” I leaned forward in my seat before I realized what I was doing. My face flushed at how obvious I was being, but my attraction to him was undeniable. I wasn’t one of those daft girls who went all silly as soon as a man flashed them a smile. He was the exception. I noted he hadn’t seemed to mind my moving closer. He seemed pleased._

_“I’m from a village a couple of hours outside Inverness. I was home visiting family. I attend school in London whilst living with my uncle.” He was an open book to me. I hadn’t expected his candid response. Most of the people I knew were pretentious arseholes, then again the circles I frequented were likely not the ones he was accustomed to if he was from a small village._

_“How old are you?” It wouldn’t be an issue if he were a university student, but I would be embarrassed about my behavior if he turned out to be an older guy. Older was the equivalent of way out of my league. I had little experience and what experience I did have wasn’t positive._

_“I turned sixteen not too long ago. What about you?”_

_I was in a reciprocating mood, which was lucky for him. “I’m sixteen too.” Somehow I managed to talk to him for the entire train ride back to London._

_I had never connected with someone so quickly before, but I wanted to know him. The more he gave me, the more I wanted to share with him. It baffled me that I could feel this way for someone who I just met. He was unlike anyone I had known and I liked who I was with him. He didn’t know my entire history and judged me before knowing me. He listened to what I said without his eyes straying too much. He was a man and I can’t say my eyes stayed on his face the entire time either. He was a beautiful specimen, practically carved out of stone.  
_

_“Well my stop is the next one, but here’s my number. Feel free to ring if you want.” I smiled at him as I got up. The train jerked to a stop and I fell directly into his lap._

_I moaned in mortification and attempted to push myself off his lap . His arms tightened around me, “I got ye. Sassenach.” His rough whisper was like a caress on my flushed skin. His voice was low and seductive, and caused my body to tingle in anticipation. Of what? I was unsure. I squeaked in surprise. To make matters worse, I sniffed him. It wasn’t discreet either. He smelled amazing; it was something woodsy and possibly sandalwood. It was addicting like ambrosia and I wanted to bottle it up. I couldn’t believe I had done that, but he was too alluring and I had no restraint._

_"Oh my god, I'm sorry that happened. I mean I didn't mean to fall all over you like that." As I tried to push myself off of his lap, my hand brushed against his upper thigh and he nearly jumped out of his seat. "Oh shit, fuck I apologize. This cannot get any worse. I doubt you want me groping you, not that it was what I was doing because we're on a train and there are people around to see us, but I- let me backtrack for a second because you do have a nice lap, very lovely and I'm sure girls enjoy being in it-" I covered my face as I felt heat creep into my cheeks. I knew they were stained a bright pink and there was no salvaging the situation. I had to get out of there before I said something worse related to girls riding his lap. It was on the tip of my tongue._

_I scurried off the train with nothing more than one last parting look to escape the situation. I had no idea what happened to me on the train. I was a complete disaster and stalker. He was never going to call after that humiliating display on the train. I resigned myself to the inevitable. He probably believed I was a total slag with the way my body responded to his touch. In his presence, I was reduced to a brainless twit. That didn’t spell success for our future interactions if I couldn’t handle close proximity to him. I mean I sniffed him. Who does that?_

_My mum was there with a motherly smile and a warm hug as soon as I got off the train. Despite being sixteen years old and only gone for a few days, I missed her dearly. She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and we began the walk to our flat._

_“What’s wrong love?” Julia had a second sense for knowing when I needed her.She picked up on my moods and was there with tea and biscuits and a sympathetic ear. “You look down on your luck, ducky.”_

_Before the words could come, the tears arrived first. My mother was gobsmacked by my over the top behavior as I was generally more composed than this even at my worst. “Something occurred on the train, and I never want to leave my room again. I’ve humiliated myself enough for the entire century, hell maybe the entire millennium and it just started.”_

_My mother wanted to have a laugh at my expense, but she kept herself fairly controlled in order to comfort me. Her arm wrapped around my shoulders and she gave me a good squeeze. “Oh darling, I promise you’ll live through this. Why don’t you tell your dear old mum exactly what happened? It’s entirely plausible that you’re over exaggerating and perhaps a bit tired.”_

_As we made our way home, I told her all about the boy I met on the train and the many ways in which I embarrassed myself in front of Jamie. The mere thought of it made me want to die. Perhaps, I was being a bit melodramatic, but it wasn't as if she was the one who unintentionally groped a boy and then mentioned other girls enjoying his lap._

_“I don’t think there’s any need for that or any of your histrionics. I know it seems as if it’s the end of the world, but Claire you’re such a resilient young woman. From what you tell me about how he reacted, I don’t think he had any issues.” She winked at me._

_I swiftly covered my face with my hands as I changed colors for the second time that day. My mother found ways to continuously surprise and mortify me, and this was just another opportunity for her to do so. “Never say anything relating to sex in my presence again. Aren’t you like celibate?” I definitely didn’t want to think about my mother having sexual relations with anyone. It was revolting._

_The flat was quiet, meaning my brother was most likely out with friends. The two of us sat around the table in his absence drinking tea. Tom hated our little chats and called us a bunch of biddies. This time together often soothed me and this time was no different. I calmed down enough to evaluate the situation rationally with a clear mind. “You know you’re right mum. He probably won’t even remember this come tomorrow. He’s probably accustomed to females hanging all over him. “ I grumbled unhappily. It figured._

_There was something in her smile I couldn’t quite read, but it was almost knowing. I hated when she kept stuff to herself._

_The phone rang and my mum left to answer it. I sipped at my tea.“Beauchamp residence?” I rolled my eyes because it was unlikely it was someone we didn’t know. We had an unlisted number. “You’re calling for Claire?_

_Hang on a moment.” She covered the receiver. “Claire, it’s for you. It’s Jamie.” Her tone matched that knowing look she gave me._

_I jumped up so fast that I knocked the chair over, nearly spilled my tea, and tripped over my feet. I snatched the phone and was in my bedroom before my mother could make any teasing remarks. “Jamie?”_

_“Hello Sassenach,” he greeted. His voice was silky smooth like honey._

_I couldn’t believe it. “You actually called.” I sounded incredulous, but I really wasn’t sure what to think with the way we ended things on the train, or rather how I reacted when he caught me._

_“I gave ye my word, didn’t I? I’m not someone who easily breaks promises Claire.” My name sounded different on his lips. It was said with reverence as if it were the most important word he knew. “So what are ye doing?” I let out a girlish giggle and covered my mouth in shock. What was happening to me?_

_We spent two hours on the phone that first night. My brother pestered me for the rest of the evening about how long I talked with Jamie._

_“Stop being such a tosser.” I flicked his head and he shoved me in return._

_“Oh piss off,” he muttered. “You really shouldn’t get too invested. He’s probably a dog with two dicks, and you’ll just be the next notch on his bed post.” As soon as he said it, I could see the remorse in his eyes. “Claire, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”_

_I nodded, but I wasn’t quite ready to forgive him for his callous and unthoughtful words. “Good night Tom, we’ll talk about it tomorrow.”_

_His face fell in disappointment. We rarely argued, but sometimes he took things too far in our sibling spars. “Night Claire, I just want you to know, I’m just scared one day you won’t be here. You’re such a great girl and any guy would be lucky to be with you, and then you’ll no longer have time for your annoying younger brother.”_

_Tom was younger than me by a year, and he knew my aspirations to attend medical school in the future. He knew my greatest desire was to leave London. I hadn’t dated anyone in a while so he had grown accustomed to not competing for my attention. “Yeah,” I said as I brushed him off and went to my room._

_I wasn’t really mad at my brother, but I was hurt. He didn’t seem to trust me to pick out a decent guy.Granted I didn’t have the greatest record, but he didn’t seem to trust that I had learned from my past. Jamie wasn’t like the knob heads I had shown interest in. He listened when I talked and shared personal details about himself._

_There was an intimacy shared between us, I hadn’t expected. He was gentle despite his rugged exterior. He contributed to the conversation in a thoughtful manner, not merely offering up one or two words in passing. He told me he enjoyed hearing me talk._

_Laying in bed, my mind drifted to thoughts of him. He had lovely ginger curls. His were much nicer than mine, which were frizzy and uncontrollable. My mother wouldn’t let me do anything to tame them either. He was much taller than my 162 centimeter frame, at least 30 centimeters. His sinewy muscles helped contribute to his overall hotness. He was a beautiful specimen to marvel at, and my eyes had done a lot of marveling. It was hard for me not to stare when he was seated right there in front me like some ancient Greek statue. He had to have been sculpted from clay._

_Much of the attraction came from his accent. I didn't actually know many Scots, but I loved when he spoke Gaelic. Of course, I didn't understand any of it, but it was fascinating nonetheless. I know he came from the Highlands and his family had lived there for ages. He was outdoorsy and loved horses. He wasn’t a lover of the city, but could appreciate certain aspects of it. He was unlike anyone in my world. I couldn’t be happier about it._

_I couldn’t wait until our next phone call._


	4. I Don't Like You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I had to post both 3&4 because for some reason the chapters switched when I uploaded them to AO3. I apologise for that so if you’ve read this chapter, you’ll have to go back and read 3.

_We took such care of tomorrow, but died on the way there._

_-Warsan Shire_

* * *

**  
JPOV**

I held back a smile as the girls eagerly bounced in their seats, the anticipation almost too much for them. Our first week had breezed by us as we spent the time acclimating. Our first week was always for us. I didn’t have much time with them as it was, and I had to savor every single moment I could.

I took the girls to the beach. I laughed as they screeched when the water lapped at their legs. They shivered and buried themselves in towels afterwards, but the smiles on their faces were genuine. The chill of the water didn’t stop them from playing. Their laughter still echoed in my ears, and it was a moment that will be imprinted in my memory forever.

They were accustomed to warmer waters as they lived on the other side of the Atlantic. Neither was used to living so far north, and they usually went on holiday with their mother after their time here where they enjoyed a warm beach. “So tell me about the trip you are taking this year?” Most of the time, they went to their beach house.

“Well mommy said we are going to the Vineyard. We used to stay at her friend’s house until mom bought ours.” While they usually stayed in Massachusetts, there were summers where Claire took them on holiday somewhere else. “We went last year too. It was fun. We went shopping and ate at really nice restaurants. The beaches are pretty nice. The house sits on a bluff that overlooks the ocean. It’s beautiful.” Isla’s voice took on a dreamy sort of tone. Bree eagerly bobbed her head in agreement with her sister.

“Do ye go on holiday elsewhere?”

Isla and Bree exchanged looks as if debating whether or not tell me. It was apparent what the answer to my question was. “Well, we often take mini trips for our birthday. It can be the weekend before or after, sometimes it falls on our actual birthday. Mommy lets us pick the destination and she makes all the arrangements.” Bree informed me as she shot her sister a worried glance. “There’s also our school breaks, and mom can occasionally get time off. We’ve been a few places. We told you about some of them.”

I hummed in response. I tried to push down my sea of emotions, especially when the oncoming wave was envy. “I see.” I murmured more for the girls’ benefit than my own.

“Are you okay daddy?” I heard the concern in Isla’s voice. I grunted unintelligibly. “I guess we didn’t tell you everything because you aren’t there with us. We thought it might hurt your feelings to know all the stuff we do. We know you’re busy, and it’s really expensive to fly to Boston for a weekend.”

It wounded me more knowing my daughters believed they had to protect me from their life and that they understood my absence. Money shouldn’t be an excuse. “I am not offended love.” I peeked at her to find her eyes full of skepticism. It reminded me of Claire. “I ken, you and yer mam have your own traditions. I wish you wouldn’t omit details to appease me. It’s disrespectful to your mother.” I never wanted them to hide parts of their live in an attempt to bolster my ego.

I read the remorse on their faces. I knew they hadn’t considered their mother’s feelings if she knew they felt the need to hide details. “We’re sorry. If you want we can tell you about those other places we’ve been.”

The remainder of the drive was spent with them sharing stories about their travels. Last year for spring break, Claire had taken the girls to California. They spent the week at the beach, Disneyland, shopping, and bonding. 

There were things I did with them too. I had taken them to Disneyland in Paris. I didn't necessarily shower them in gifts, but there were a few. I tried to expose them to Scottish culture. I wanted them to know about where their family hailed. 

“You know you could always visit us.” Isla hinted not so subtly. “I mean there’s a lot of stuff we could show you.”

I knew what she wanted, but I managed to deftly avoid responding to her. It wasn’t as if I didn’t have a response prepared. I wished I could resolve the issues between Claire and myself, but there was an ocean literally and figuratively between us.

She made it clear how she felt about me at the end. And we both had said things in the end we couldn’t take back.

_July 2009_

_“If you’re going to leave then just do it.” Her voice was cold, lacking any emotion. Her face was expressionless._

_From the moment I met her, I could read almost any emotion that flashed across her face. The last few weeks, or I should say months, she closed herself off to me. I couldn’t fully put the blame on her for it either._

_My eyes held my own shock at her statement. Divorce wasn’t the direction I thought we were going, then again I didn’t know where we were headed. We were permanently stalled._

_I knew she received no pleasure from delivering the final blow to our marriage, but we were unsettled around each other. She was a woman suffering. “Can we talk about it?” I don’t know what I was offering, or if I wanted to save what we had. There were a lot of things coursing through me. Panic was at the forefront of mind because what was I without her? We were Jamie and Claire._

_She turned away with her shoulders up to her ears. Her arms wrapped tightly around her torso. “I hate you.” She meant it. “I don’t know when it started, but damnit I hate you. It’s your fault all this happened and I can’t find it in myself to forgive you. I try not to think about it, but then I do.”_

_I hadn’t forgiven myself. How could I expect her to do the same. I touched her shoulder and she flinched away from my hand. Stung, I backed away from her. Never before had she rejected affection from me._

_“Claire,” I pleaded softly. My eyes filled with moisture as I realized what was happening. “I’m not blameless.”_

_She swiveled, her eyes flashing dangerously. “What is that supposed to mean?”_

_“God damnit, everything is always about YOU.” Her expressive brown eyes widened in shock. I had rarely raised my voice at her, at least not without proper provocation. “I came to America because of you. I dropped out of school so that I could support our family and you could stay in fucking medical school. With the kids, school, and your part-time job, you don’t have time for me. Do you even see me? Am I invisible to you? You’ve never asked my feelings in all this time. Either you’re daft or incredibly selfish, and we both know it’s not the former.”_

_“Fuck you! You told me to stay in school. You said Claire this is yer dream.” She mocked me. “I couldna bear if ye gave it up for me. Is this a punishment? I’m sorry that I barely have enough of myself to give away. It doesn’t absolve you of your wrongdoings. Couples go through rough patches. All you’ve done is walk around in this somber state, ignoring me, staring at me with your sad, pathetic eyes, but you’ve never asked me properly to forgive you. You know what that tells me? You’re a fucking coward James Fraser.”_

_My blood boiled. She was baiting me, and I fell for it. “Oh that’s rich coming from ye. Ye had an issue with Britney long before ye said anything. Nothing ever happened, but that dinna stop ye from accusing me of adultery. So she was a bit friendly, I made it clear where we stood.”_

_She scoffed derisively. “Yeah after she kissed you. I suppose I should count myself lucky you didn’t fuck her. Tell me, Jamie how close were you to falling into bed with yer little American whore?”_

_“Och well at least my cock would’ve seen some action. I have one bad reaction in nearly ten years together, and then all of a sudden my wife wants nothing to do with me. I apologized, but of course ye dinna ken how to see reason. Ye take everything so personally.”_

_“Piss off. I was trying to make it right when I caught you with her hands all over you. How is a wife not supposed to read more into that? Please, you were probably aching for her since your wife wasn’t satisfying you.”_

_I stepped right into her personal space. My body shook with barely controlled rage. “Ye’re such a control freak and ye always have to be right. There’s no room for discussion. We are all wrong because in yer world, there’s no grey. Ye’re a stifling bitch.” I had taken it too far. We both had._

_She took a step back as her eyes lowered. “I see.” She murmured softly. “I’m sorry that I’ve suffocated you for all these years. My apologies.”_

_“Claire, I dinna mean it.”_

_“Jamie, you and I know that we rarely say things we don’t mean even in our anger. Words can’t be washed away with apologies.” Her eyes glittered with unshed tears as realization dawned in them. Whatever came next was going to have lasting repercussions for not only us but our children._

_“I’m not doing this to hurt you. I don’t want you think that, but I want a divorce. I can’t see your face without hating you. I don’t want to feel this way. We keep hurting each other. This isn’t the first time we’ve fought these last few months. Whenever we talk, it turns into an argument. We say things, pretend nothing was said, and go on in this limbo. I’m tired of it. For so many years all I did was love you, but I can’t anymore. I’ve been trying so hard to make our marriage work, but the damage has been done. We poisoned it from the inside.” Her knees gave out and she fell back onto the sofa._

_Her small body crumbled in on itself as she shook with sobs. She was right we killed our own marriage._

It was far from our last conversation or argument on the subject. It was just the one that defined our relationship from that point. She no longer wished to be my wife. I pledged to make her happy when we married, and I was fulfilling my end of my duty. I was giving her what she wanted. It didn’t mean I had to wear a smile and pretend I wasn’t dying on the inside.

We pulled into the courtyard of the estate. The girls were out of the car before I could put it in park.

Maggie, Kitty, and Janet were out the door the moment they heard the car coming down the drive. I had no doubt they were waiting for our arrival. Maggie was almost sixteen years old, but she doted on her younger cousins. She was fascinated by anything related to America, and Bree and Isla told her about everything. The girls were quite the novelty here in the village.

Kitty was fourteen and quite the smartarse. She knew how to drive anyone mad with her quick wit. The youngest was Janet, although she preferred Janie. She was eleven years old. She had a gentle and motherly nature. She spent much of her time in the garden or taking care of the animals. I had a fondness for her as she reminded me occasionally of my Bree.

They didn’t favor one another in looks as Janet had brown hair and brown eyes. None of Jenny’s kids looked like mine. Although, when they were younger, Ian and Bree looked a bit alike. He was significantly younger than my girls with his seventh birthday in a few months. As of last summer, Bree no longer had the patience to entertain her younger cousin. She called him a baby, although I’m not sure where she received the impression that she was so much older than him. They had played amicably until one day they didn’t.

Michael used to spend much of his time trailing behind Isla and his twin Janet. Then he decided girls were gross and fled from them when the opportunity presented itself.

My namesake was headed off to university in the fall. He had chosen somewhere in the States, surprising not only myself but his parents with his decision. He loved his mother, but he knew that if he stayed close for uni, she would never give him peace.

I sometimes envied Jenny having loads of children. When one left, she still had a bunch of others to mother and nurture. I recalled the conversation we had when I told her about the divorce. She was none too pleased me with me when she discovered what transpired, not to say she didn’t share her ire with Claire.

_September 2009_

_“Jamie, ye’re a fool if ye do this.” She warned me over the phone. She wanted to come over to knock some sense into my thick skull. “I canna believe ye would truly allow this-this divorce to happen.” She spit out the word like it was a curse. Jenny was far more religious than most people knew, and part of her reticence to our separation was the Church. “After everything this year, ye’re going to let this break you apart?”_

_I buried my face in my hands. “She hates me.” I cried. “I find myself loathing her too. Ye should’ve heard the racket we made. The neighbors almost called the police. It was fortunate the children weren’t there. It isn’t the first time we’ve had a go at each other in the last few months.”_

_I could feel her softening over the phone. Jenny had been my rock since our mother passed. “She’s suffering and so are you. At the moment, ye’re the one in front of her. She needs someone to blame and it’s you. I dinna think she hates you. Ye could never hate each other.”_

_I had to disagree with her. The fury barely held back in her eyes clued me into her feelings for me. She never displayed such hatred before and I had to say my feelings for her weren’t clear either. “Ye have no’ seen her since May. Things have changed. The tension between has only increased. Polite conversation when our daughters aren’t present has declined.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “I canna talk to her without making a blunder. Everything I do upsets her. If I can give her this one thing, I am still keeping to my vows. And Jenny, when I look at her, it feels as if I’m staring at a stranger. I try to find anything that reminds me of who she used to be, or think of things I love about her, but I’ve been struggling.”_

_“Jamie,” she sighed with pity. “I canna tell ye what to do. It is yer decision. However, I will warn ye, it will be its’ own burden. This is permanent and ye canna go back. Divorce is not something to take lightly. What about the church?”_

_“Well we’ve already began the paperwork for a church annulment. I haven’t seen her smile in months, at least not around me. She gives me scathing remarks and icy glares. We haven’t slept in the same bed in ages, and then I moved out of the apartment two weeks ago. I feel like I can breathe again. I’m sure she feels something similar.”_

_Jenny was silent on the other end. I knew she was thinking. She was the biggest champion of our relationship, taking an instant liking to Claire. It perturbed me in the beginning because Jenny was your typical rough and tumble kind of girl. She didn’t have lofty aspirations. She had a college degree of course, but she was perfectly fine being a stay at home mother._

_She and Claire bonded when I brought her home for the first time. Neither of them would tell me what happened during the visit. All I knew was that they spoke to one another regularly._

_“Did she not tell you about it?” I wouldn’t be surprised if she hadn’t._

_“No, but I think she expected you to tell me.” She blew out a long breath. “If you think this is the best decision for yer marriage, well go ahead with it. Claire will still be my sister and friend.” I knew she was essentially saying she wouldn’t cut off contact with her despite the state of my relationship with her. They were separate._

_“Fair enough.” We never spoke about the divorce again._

_When she picked me up from the airport, she avoided the topic and instead commented on my weight._

Jenny walked out with a wide smile. “How are ye?” Her eyes sparkled with unbridled happiness. She enjoyed spending time with her nieces.

“Tired, the girls don’t nap anymore.” She chuckled at my expression. “They’ve grown up so much in the last few months.”

She nodded knowingly. “It is the way of children. Dinna borrow trouble though, they are still young yet.” She guided me into the house where Ian laid on the couch with his video games. “Did ye have that talk with Isla?”

I shook my head. She pursed her lips. I was saved by young Ian passing by and distracting her.

“Ian! Say hi to your uncle.” She commanded in a tone reminiscent of our mother.

The boy barely lifted his eyes from his game. “Hi Uncle Jamie,” he greeted before redirecting his attention back to his game.

His mother shook her head. “I tell ye, he never wants to do anything that’s social. All he does is play that game of his.”

“The girls are like that with their iPads. They spend a lot of time on them.” I wasn’t sure what they actually did either. Isla tried to explain to me once, but it mostly went over my head.

We sat around the kitchen table drinking tea. “Ian’s with Jamie shopping for school things.” Her eyes held barely contained sadness. “I canna believe he is leaving.”

“Well at least he won’t be completely alone. Claire lives over there, and if need be can fly out to him if something happens.”

Jenny bit her lip but agreed. “Yes, but it is no’ the same as his mother. Do ye ken how she is?” Somehow we shifted into a different subject. A topic I preferred to avoid.

I quirked a brow. “I figure ye probably ken better than me.”

She was bemused. “She’s fine. I talked to her a few days ago. She’s a bit lonely with the girls here, but her job keeps her busy.” Her eyes held a secret. A secret she didn’t want me to know. “Ye still dinna answer my question.”

I sighed. “I haven’t talked with her about it. I figured the grounding was good enough. It- well I just- gah- no one told me raising a girl would be this difficult. She doesn’t want to talk about Hogmanay, and I’d rather avoid it too.”

“She is almost twelve. She doesn’t need ye coddling her from her behavior. Mother would’ve strung us up if we had ever behaved in such a fashion. She dinna tolerate disrespect and ye’ve allowed her to get away with it since her grounding happened at Claire’s.”

“Ye dinna understand.” My shoulders slumped. “My time with them is supposed to be about the fun. I ken I am the parent and it canna always be fun, but we’ve had such a good thing. I dinna want to ruin it with something that happened months ago.”

“Jamie, we know she’s not remorseful. She told Claire as much. She knew what she was doing.”

“I know.”

“Ye dinna have to have it now, but before she goes home, I think ye should address it with her. She canna always have her way. You and Claire are allowed to move on without worrying yer children won’t be happy about it.”

She kissed my head. “It is fine to be a bad guy. The good and the bad come with the territory. Ye willna be doin’ her any favors.”

“Why do ye always he be right?”

“Because I’m older.”

I made a face at her.


	5. Here I Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is one huge difference if you've read the original. It'll all come out eventually the same so don't worry about it. Well... sort of, there will be some chapters that inevitably change.

**CPOV**

I was a mother. It was the first word I would use to describe myself. Everything in my life came secondary to that role. After, I would say doctor, sister, and daughter. Wife was one I gave up when I realized we were no longer working. 

However, I wasn’t a nun and my whole life didn’t revolve around my daughters. In the beginning, I tried to make them my everything; my mother encouraged me to expand my interests and forge new relationships. She didn't want me to spend the rest of my life alone given that one day my daughters would inevitably leave home. They couldn’t remain my whole world forever; it wasn’t the natural way of things.

I knew she was hinting at something deeper. It was different for her as she was a widow, not to say she remained single often. Somehow she attracted quite a few men including some younger ones, and I never asked much about it unless it became serious. I was certain I didn't want to know the details of her personal life. We did keep clear boundaries whilst living together.

She wanted me to put myself out there, not necessarily exploring my dating options. She felt I had given up on having a life outside of home and school and then work.

After my divorce, I didn’t date immediately, nor was I open to the prospect of dating. Finding Jamie was an act of serendipity. He was simply there and showed genuine interest in me. I hadn’t gone searching for him. He appeared at the perfect moment when I was beginning to allow people to get close to me. I had been spurned and had decided that I was done with boys. Then there he was like shining star, bringing the light with him.

For most of my life, I preferred solitude. My parents thought it odd behavior when my reception teacher mentioned it to them. She thought I was an only child. In reality, I liked playing by myself as I could play by my rules. Sometimes I was bored with the silly girls in my class, and all of the boys believed girls were gross.

As an adult I wasn’t much different, but I was a bit more social. My friends managed to convince me to go out on several occasions. There were different versions of drunk Claire. There was weepy, love-sick, and depressed Claire. There was party girl Claire. There was flirty and bold Claire. I never knew exactly which personality would come out for the night. Although, weepy girl tended to appear on movie night where we watched rom-coms and drank wine. Luckily, she fit right in with my friends. All of us would back in our misery, except Melody and her wife. They sympathized, which was good enough for the rest of us.

It was fortuitous when I did finally meet someone new whom I was open to dating. Peter smashed right into me as I was exiting and he was entering the elevator. His scalding coffee spilled all over me. While my skin made it out intact, my blouse was stained brown. Peter tried to help with his napkin, which ultimately made the situation worse when he realized where his hands were. His face darkened and he averted his eyes. It was endearing and he was adorable.

Peter was an anesthesiologist I had worked with on a few occasions, but I hadn't an opportunity to get to know him outside of the OR. We didn't regularly cross paths in our work. He was a couple of years older, and had come from the west coast.

If he wasn’t as engrossed in his files, he wouldn’t have slammed right into me. I was surprisingly forgiving of the entire thing. I told him he caught me on a good day. He offered to pay for my dry cleaning, and then next thing I knew I was agreeing to a date. I even bought him a replacement coffee as I felt guilty about the situation. I wasn’t as observant of my surroundings either as I used my time in the elevator to check emails.

I had no idea what made me say yes to him that day. It could’ve been the excitement someone was interested in me after such a longtime, or temporary insanity. I didn’t know how it happened, but I then found myself dating after a few years of being perpetually single. Peter took me to clubs with live music, sports events with the girls after they had been introduced, and sometimes cooked dinner for me after a long shift. It was perfectly lovely.

Peter Janssen had a way of sneaking up on a person. It was quieter than the love I experienced with Jamie, but I cared for him deeply. I refused to compare them as it wasn’t fair. Peter cared for my children, knowing they had a relationship with their father. He was extremely understanding after his own messy childhood with divorced parents residing on opposite coasts. He never asked for more than I could offer. He took what I gave and never complained. He patched me up after I thought I wouldn't - no couldn’t love again.

Jamie and Peter were on opposite ends of the spectrum when it came to their appearances. Peter was tall with enough muscle definition to hint at his activeness. He was blonde with bright grass green eyes. He was clumsy, far clumsier than I would attribute to someone in his profession. He wasn't ruggedly handsome like Jamie with his strong, Viking cheek bones, wild red curls, and his smirk; he was more of the Hollywood variety of beautiful. I considered men who looked like him to be way out of my league. Yet, Peter set his sights on me when any woman and a few men in the hospital desired him. Waitresses had ignored me when we went out, paying particular attention to him, all the while his eyes never left my plain in comparison visage.

With the girls abroad, we had more time to spend together. He adored them, but it wasn't always easy to arrange time to ourselves when my mom had her own plans or during the school year when Isla and Bree had busy schedules.

Peter decided a date night was in order to take my mind off the girls being gone for the next two months. He knew how much I missed them, especially given the unique custody arrangement I had with Jamie. He missed them too.

He wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “Oh Claire,” he murmured softly as I nuzzled into his side. It was a bit chilly out for June. “You know I enjoy being with you.” We were by the harbor, and the dark, filmy water was gorgeous this time of night with the lights of the city reflecting off it displaying the city of Boston.

I kept silent, knowing he was building up to something. A knot formed in my stomach as nerves got the best of me. My anxiety skyrocketed as this couldn’t be going where I thought it might. Were we ready for that step?

In a move that was entirely unexpected, Peter dropped to his knee, quite smoothly I might add. My mouth fell open in surprise. “Claire, I love you more than I’ve loved anyone. When I spilled coffee on you all those years ago, I never thought you would agree to an actual date with me. You took me by surprise and haven’t stop since.” We shared a nostalgic smile of that long ago day. “I’ve fallen more in love with you as time passed by, and I love your daughters like they were my own. I know you were a bit nervous when we started dating, but I’ve seen you. I see your beautiful soul and spirit in the way you interact with your children, your patients, and everyone around you. You’re the kindest person even when you don’t think you are. You have such a big heart and took a chance on me. I’m going to ask, but you don’t need to answer at this very moment. I will give you all the time you need to think about it. Will you do the honor of agreeing to be my wife?”

Tears swarmed my cheeks as I was utterly speechless. No words came to mind. Peter wasn’t dismayed or disheartened by my reaction as if he prepared himself for it. He flashed me a smile and gave me the box. His lips were on mine and it didn’t matter if I had an answer for him yet or not. I let his lips take me away. I pulled back to find his eyes shining brightly. “Yes,” I whispered.

Hours later as I slumbered in the comfort of my bed, my eyes fluttered open at the ringing of a cellphone. It was sometime after nine, but we were quite knackered after all of our celebrating. “Hello?” I answered groggily, not fully conscious. My body ached in the best way possible.

“Claire?” The fogginess swiftly cleared from my head as soon as I heard his voice. “I’m so sorry.” He apologized, and my heart sped up because there were very few reasons why he would be apologizing to me on the phone. All of them had to do with our children.

“No…no… what’s wrong? Who’s hurt? No one died, right? Please Jamie, say something to me.” My brain had started imagining the worst possible scenarios. My mind raced a million miles per second. “This can’t be happening again.” I cried. “Please tell me.”

He was crying and it was hard to understand him. “We were staying at Lallybroch. Isla had gone with Jamie into the village, and on their way home, another car hit them.”

Peter was staring at me with inquisitive, empathetic eyes. He presence was keeping me from losing it entirely. He squeezed my hand to offer me comfort, but I didn't want his comfort in that moment. I wanted to be across the ocean with my children safe in my embrace.

I booted up my laptop to start the process of booking a ticket because no matter what I couldn't stay here without worrying about how she was. “Is she okay? Was she unconscious? What are her injuries? Jamie, I need you tell me what’s going on.” I couldn’t believe this was happening. It was always a worry of mine when I sent them to visit their father. I was terrified they would be injured or worse and I would be too far away to do anything or to say goodbye.

“I-I, C-Claire we are at the hospital. She hasn’t woken up yet. The doctors haven’t said much, but they were taking her into surgery to repair a fracture.” The tears fell quicker. “Please don’t cry, I can’t handle your tears. Please,” he begged me from three thousand miles across the ocean. “She was transferred to Edinburgh. The doctors are going to do everything within their power to help. She’s got some lacerations, a broken rib, some bruised ribs, but their primarily concerned with her leg. She also has a concussion.” As he listed her injuries, I did my best not to panic.

Jamie shared the details of what hospital she would be at, and what the doctors told him so far. I was trying to stay calm, but everything was screaming on the inside. I couldn’t stop thinking about the worst outcome. The surgery could potentially cause the bone to shorten. There so many things that could go wrong.

Peter helped me pack my bag. I didn’t even know how long I’d be there, only that when I came back one or both of my children would be with me. “Take a breath,” he held my hands in his. “My mother always said not to borrow trouble. At the moment, the doctors say she’s stable. Until they perform tests, you know she’s perfectly fine. Isla is a strong girl.” He kissed my hands and I found myself relaxing under his warm, tender gaze. I don’t know how he did it. ”She's in a city where the best hospitals usually are. Jamie wouldn’t let some hack operate on her.”

He was right. I was automatically going to the worst case scenario. I needed to relax, or I wouldn’t be of use to anybody. “What did I do to deserve you?” I asked him. “You always know what to do.”

He merely shook his head and smiled tenderly at me. He dropped me off at the airport on his way to work. “Send my best to Isla.” Isla wasn’t necessarily his biggest fan. I knew she still had dreams of her father and I getting back together. She didn’t mind Peter, but he was far from her favorite person. She tolerated him, and on occasion fell for his charm. She tried her best to keep a distance between them, but I think she was beginning to understand her dad and I getting back together wouldn’t happen. I hated to disappoint her, but it wasn't feasible. Bree adored Peter though, and was always running off in the hospital to find him. On occasion when she let her guard down, Isla had fun with Peter and enjoyed his company. She was merely stubborn and tried to maintain her indifference to him.

I was on a plane five hours later with a short layover in London. It was the best I could do under the circumstances. I didn’t even take a minute to consider the price of my late minute booking.

I wanted to be there the moment Isla woke up, or at least be there to comfort her during her hospital stay. She hated hospitals. When she was five she had her appendix removed, and spending time around the other sick children scared her. She was terrified she was going to die.

For the duration of the flight, I was unable to stop fidgeting. I was too jittery to take a proper rest. I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I was with my children and saw Isla.

My seat companion sent a few irritated glares in my direction, but I ignored her. I stared pointedly ahead. I wanted no distractions. I put on some mindless drivel, but paid no attention to it. My only focus was getting to my daughter.

Unfortunately, I didn’t count on my body succumbing to exhaustion as I hadn’t had a proper rest the night before with the celebrating and then the phone call from hell that no parent wanted to receive.

_October 2000_

_It took Jamie two months to gather up the courage to finally ask me on a date. I was rather infatuated with him by that point, and tried my best not to be too obvious. It was refreshing to have a new crush. Jamie was the breath of fresh air I didn’t know I needed._

_I kept hinting, hoping he would clue into my feelings. Either he was oblivious, or he was intentionally ignoring it. I wasn’t sure which one I preferred. At least if he was unaware, it didn’t mean he wasn’t interested. I refused to think about the other one. That possibility would hurt in the worst way possible because I couldn’t stop being friends with him. I loved being around him and hearing his take on things. He wasn’t afraid to disagree with me or have a friendly debate. It bordered on flirting, not that he noticed. It felt as if I were throwing myself at him._

_He stayed with his uncle in the city while he attended school, and during school holidays went home to the Highlands. However, he might as well have been living with me for all the time he spent at my family’s home. It was during one of our Saturdays together, where he asked me out._

_I hadn’t noticed the nervous energy he carried with him the week leading up to it all. I attributed it to the stress of sixth form. He was under a lot of pressure from his family, and he carried it all fairly well. He was dedicated to his studies which I admired. He was in several language courses and had a real knack for them. I loved watching how his mouth moved when he spoke in a different language. It was beautiful to me. The only languages I spoke were French and English. Jamie was fluent in four languages and conversational in another two. I couldn’t understand how he had a natural aptitude for it. He excelled in maths too, and was leaning towards studying business at university._

_I felt the heat of his gaze on me when I returned from the kitchen with our beverages. There was something different in his eyes that had been absent in all of our interactions. I hadn’t seen it since our initial meeting on the train when I first noticed the spark of attraction. I tried for weeks to ignore until I couldn’t any longer. My heart and body refused to compromise with my brain. I realized with a start it was bold confidence._

_Without asking, he took a step forward and brushed his lips against mine. It was a slight press, which he deepened immediately when I didn’t protest, but instead moved mine in tandem with his. My arms wrapped around his neck as his enveloped my waist. There was so much heat in the one kiss. I craved more. The kiss held all of the longing and confusion we had for the last two months, threaded with unrestrained desire and relief._

_For longer than I cared to admit, I forgot how to feel. I buried my emotions under a mountain and shoved them down when they threatened to come out of hiding. I didn’t want to feel or care for anyoneoutside of my family. As I focused on the warmth of his body, the taste of him, and the comfort of his presence, I realized that my emotions weren’t swallowing me whole. They linked me to the moment where I irrevocably gave my heart away._

_His hands squeezed my hips and pressed me tighter against his body. It was just so natural how we fit together like two puzzle pieces. He was my missing piece all this time. I was complete there in his arms. I had gone through a gamut of boys, trying to fit myself to them, only to discover in the end, they weren’t the right one._

_His scent surrounded me, and I’ll admit my brain went a bit fuzzy. I loved his smell. Hadn’t I embarrassed myself that first day when I sniffed him on the train? His heat enveloped me or was that his tongue? All I felt was the shape of him, and I knew then we belonged together._

_My eyes drifted shut the moment his lips landed on mine. I could taste him. His mouth was sweet and savory. His lips were soft and fit perfectly with mine. We moved in sync, and my brain swirled with the new information. I had kissed boys before; the difference was it never felt like this. Jamie was gentle and went at a comfortable pace. When I kissed him, the whole world disappeared. It was the two of us and no one else existed. We were in our own personal Eden._

_I clung to him as his lips became more insistent, applying a deeper pressure. His hands were buried in my hair. The intensity reached an apex, and I pulled away gasping for breath, our foreheads touching. I needed that connection to ground me. His breath was as heavy as my own._

_My nerves were in a frenzy as I tried to compose myself. I felt heat rush to my nether regions. A kiss had never gotten me this worked up. Jamie’s were dangerous and addicting. I craved him. “Wow,” I breathed as I traced my lips, wanting his again._

_Jamie appeared quite smug, although it wasn’t the only expression floating in his eyes. There was a tenderness I never expected to see there. Had he felt the same all along? He fondled a curl before tucking it behind my ear. His knuckles gently caressed my cheek. I leaned into his touch, wanting to feel the warmth of his skin on mine. I was so warm. I was feeling a great many things all at once; I didn’t know where to start in digesting what just took place. There was too much to process._

_“I would like to take ye out on a date Claire.” He stated with intent, hooded eyes. Shivers went up my spine at the look he was giving me. “I’ve had feelings for ye for some time, and I wanted to know ye before taking the next step. I couldn’t ascertain when we first started spending together if ye were attracted to me, but then I saw how ye looked at me. I couldn’t not kiss ye after that. I’ve wanted to for so long. So will ye go out with me?”_

_His compassionate nature was perhaps what attracted me to him the most. He cared about my opinions even if the topic didn’t necessarily interest him. He wanted to know all my secrets and stories, and shared more than a few of his own. When we weren’t in one another’s presence, we were on the phone talking. He was patient and decided on the long game. I had never craved anyone’s attention before, but I needed Jamie like I needed air. It sounded melodramatic to my brain, and I had sworn never to be one of those stupid, silly girls at school. It was impossible when I was around Jamie._

_The problem was he snuck in without me knowing it. In those early days of our friendship, it really was lust. “Yes.” The end result was a huge grin before he kissed me again. He put everything into the kiss and I returned it with equal fervor. My lips chased his, and I pulled him down on top of me. "Wow, he wants to go on a date with me."_

_ His eyes sparkled delightfully, and it occurred to me that I said the last bit out loud. "Why wouldn't I?" _

_"I mean you're you and I'm me. Awkward, bumbling can barely get a sentence out without making some weird euphemism or innuendo Claire."_

_He cupped my face, stroking my cheeks with his thumbs. "I love when ye canna control yer mouth." My mouth fell open at his innuendo. Did he know what he said? "See yer no' the only one who_ _accidentally makes innuendos, but ye're amazing Claire. Ye're smart and funny, and I look forward to when we spend time together. I've been wanting to kiss for a long time."_

_My eyes darted down to his lips and I leaned forward, my mouth inches from his. "Then do it." I challenged him._

_He swooped down and he slanted his mouth over mine, slipping his tongue in. We didn’t do anything except kiss, but it was fine. We had time for other things._

_Although time had become an issue when my mother arrived home to find us with our tongues down each other’s throats. I had never seen him turn that particular shade of red before, but he wore it well. My mother merely smirked as he babbled incoherently and then said he would be by later for our date._

_She fell into a fit of laughter. “Oh love, you’ve found yourself a good one.” I stared at her in shock. Jamie and I had just touched the surface of what was between us, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to define it as of yet. We hadn’t even gone on our first date. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he was planning his whole future with you at the center.” I flushed a deep shade of red at her knowing looks._

_“Mum,” I scowled._

_Mothers possessed some sort of extra sense and knew how to perfectly embarrass their children. I was convinced of that._

By the time I landed in Edinburgh, it was the next day. It was around six in the morning and I was exhausted from all of the travel. Jamie managed to invade my dreams again, and it was likely my anxiety flaring up as the time neared for us to see one another after so long. While it hadn’t been a decade since I last saw him, it felt like it in many ways. The few times where we endured one another’s presence were excruciating. I did my best to minimize contact. Every time I set my eyes upon him, it was like a knife to the heart.

A sigh of relief escaped me when I saw it was Jenny picking me up from the airport and not her brother. She wore a tired grimace, but wrapped me up tightly in her arms nonetheless. “Oh Claire, I’ve missed ye. Although, this is not the way I wanted to see ye.” I couldn’t disagree with that.

She took my bag from me and led me to the parking lot. It was strange to be back in Scotland after actively avoiding it and England all these years. “Has there been any updates?” I asked once we settled in the car. Jamie left a message when I was in the air that Isla was out of surgery. It went well and she was in the recovery ward.

“Aye, she’s woken up some. The doctors say it could’ve been worse. They’ve got her on a lot of pain medication. She’s confused every time she manages to wake. There were tears and she asked for ye.”

I burst into tears. Jenny was far from alarmed by my reaction. She knew what I feared most of all in the world. She pulled over to the side to comfort me. “It’s alright. She’s a tough one. She’s a Fraser and a Beauchamp. If anyone can pull through this, she can.”

I sniffled, knowing she was right. “Are you ready?” There were several ways to interpret her question, and I wasn’t prepared for any of them. I could only nod and pray I could get through the my time here without destroying myself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The small or big change will add a bit of angst, but I needed something else to focus on than the part that will be deleted.


	6. Come Home with Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive the alternate spellings, I've been switching between my computer and phone. There's two different keyboards involved.

**CPOV**

It was an immense relief to have Jenny with me in this moment as opposed to Ian or Jamie. 

I had known her nearly as long as her brother. Jamie had taken ages to finally declare his intentions and feelings, which left me with mass of confusion until he made his declaration in my mother’s sitting room. Our first date occurred the same night as our first kiss. It turned into one of the greatest dates I had gone on in my entire life, sort of as the middle was rough, but the end was memorable. Jamie was meticulous and ornery, which aren’t qualities that work well in combination. The date almost concluded on a bad note when suddenly Jamie made a bold move that turned the whole night around and made me reconsider everything.

Lucky for him, I was understanding and forgiving of his horrendous behaviour during the course of our date. After the first night, we didn’t have much time for one another with our school schedules and our mountains of homework. We tried to ring each other every night and talk for at least an hour.

Jamie had used the time to make plans to take me home to meet his family as he had already met mine. It was curious the considerable amount of time my mother was spending on the phone, but it turned out it was all part of Jamie’s plan. She corresponded with Mr. Fraser, Jamie’s father, as we were both sixteen year olds with raging, uncontrollable hormones. She saw direct evidence of that when she walked in on us snogging on the sofa.

It was all arranged as a surprise for me.

_October 20, 2000_

_Mum was acting strange, well stranger than normal, which had me suspicious of her behavior. She kept sending me secret smiles with her eyes twinkling merrily with mirth with a long held secret burning to reach the surface of her lips. I deduced it was related to plans made for my birthday. Seventeen meant there was only a year left until I was an adult. Mum never did anything elaborate as I wasn’t the type of girl who wanted a huge fuss, however as Tom and I aged, each birthday was a little melancholy with mum covering up her tears with a soft smile._

_I preferred my birthdays simple and memorable. We usually went to dinner, the theater, or whatever suited my fancy that year. However, mum had yet to address anything related to celebrating my seventeenth year of life. I was more than a little surprised when I woke up that Friday, and she hadn’t said a word to me. It was bothering me, but I didn’t want to address it. It would’ve been humiliating if my family had forgotten and I reminded them._

_Breakfast was on the table. She and Tom sat relaying their plans for the weekend, and yet no one mentioned the significance of the day. They barely noticed my presence at the table, only issuing a murmured 'good morning' before returning their attention to their breakfasts. It was disconcerting._

_As I’ve stated I don’t make a huge deal about my birthday, but Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ, it was still my day. I wanted some acknowledgement especially as it was my last year before I became legal. Mum was usually invested in things like that, and became more than a bit teary about how much we were growing. She grew depressed whenever either of us mentioned going off to uni in a few years._

_I plopped down into my chair with a little more force than was required. I angrily folded my arms across my chest, which effectively erased all sense of my maturity. It was a childish reaction. My mother would’ve pointed out I was still a child, especially with my flamboyant, attention seeking behavior._

_However, mum barely glanced at me the entire time as I glared daggers at her. She simply regarded me with a lift of her eyebrow. I scowled in return at her complete and utter ignorance of the day. She was delighted by my response. Confusion swept through me as I realized something was happening, and I was the only one unaware of it. My frown deepened._

_Tom snickered and I kicked him in retaliation. I had no qualms doing it either. It was our relationship. We antagonized one another and then mum scolded us. He glared at me as he slathered more jam onto his toast. “You’re always such a ray of sunshine, aren’t you Claire? With that sunny disposition of yours, it’s a wonder Jamie keeps coming back.”_

_I threw a sausage at him. “You’re such an instigating little shit.”_

_“Claire! Tom!” We mostly ignored her._

_“God, Claire you would’ve thought someone pissed in your breakfast with how you’re being this morning. What do you have to be angry about this early? Maybe you should stuff your face and you’re lovely personality will come back… oh wait.” I narrowed my eyes at him. He was pushing my buttons. “Eat your delicious, nutritional eggs mum made for you.”_

_I rolled my eyes with a huff. Was it honestly too hard to have anyone remember the date? It was October 20, right? My mother and Tom resumed eating their breakfasts. Tom hurried out the door upon finishing his with a quick kiss to our mother’s cheek and a playful shove for me. Then he was gone without so much as a Happy Birthday._

_“So Claire, what are your plans for the weekend?” My mouth fell open. Was she serious? I wanted to cry. “Close your mouth love. Did you not have any arrangements with Jamie? You’re usually attached at the mouth from Friday to Sunday.”_

_I could feel the blush on my cheeks. I still was uncomfortable discussing him with her after what she walked in on. She was like a dog with a bone and knew what to ask and to perfectly embarrass me. It was some strange talent of hers. “I mean with the way you two constantly talk and the little display I saw, I would’ve expected you have to loads of plans for the weekend.”_

_I sank down into my chair. “I don’t know.” I answered. “He hasn’t said anything about it. He’s busy with school and sports.” I wasn’t upset as we didn’t have any standing plans. If we had free time, then we spent time together._

_Before I could elaborate, I was interrupted_ _by a knock on the door. It was odd as we never had visitors that early. Mum jumped up quickly before I could even get out of my seat, almost as if she were expecting it. My eyebrows rose as I puzzled over her exaggerated reaction. Was this what she had been expecting all morning?_

_When she returned, she wasn’t alone. Jamie accompanied her, and I knew they could tell I was confused by his appearance. “Wh-what are you doing here?” He had an early morning practice, or that’s what he told me when he abruptly ended our call the night before._

_He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. “Yes, well I wasn’t entirely truthful with ye. I’ve arranged a surprise for yer birthday.” He and mum chuckled at my surprise._

_Mum glowed with delight. “Happy birthday darling,” she crowed happily, throwing her arms around my neck. I returned the hug._

_I rarely had a delay in my thought processes, but I was thoroughly baffled by what was happening. “Uh, we have school.” I said dumbly. She never let me skive off school._

_“I’ve already called to tell them you won’t be in.” I shot mum a look. She let me get ready for school, knowing all along I wasn’t going. “Jamie is taking you to his home for the weekend.” She was more excited than I was. “Don’t worry about packing a bag, I already took care of it.”_

_She pointed to me weekend bag by the door. The pieces were slowly coming together. Mum’s strange behavior all week suddenly made sense. I caught her in my room two days previous, and she said she was putting away my laundry. I thought it weird as she normally made me do it myself. I thought it was her being nice because of my birthday.“Tom?”_

_“Oh, he knew as well. He wanted me to tell you happy birthday from him, and that you’ll have to wait until you return to get your present.”_

_Everyone had pulled a quick one on me. I truly believed they had forgotten. I felt terrible for thinking so lowly of them. “Well, you have a train to catch, so go change out of your school clothes. Again happy birthday.”_

_She ushered us out the door as soon as I returned before I could ask further questions. She didn’t want to ruin Jamie’s carefully laid plans._

_I smiled shyly at Jamie as he took my bag and my hand. Everything was new between us still, and we hadn’t perfected the natural ease of long term couples. It wasn’t uncomfortable though. Inside, I was all warm and tingly, and enjoying his thumb rubbing the back of my hand._

_The train ride was memorable. It wasn’t lost on either of us that we met on a train. We shared stories, laughs, and enjoyed each other’s company. Somewhere along the way, I fell asleep on his shoulder. When I awoke, he was stroking my curls and whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I feigned sleep as I enjoyed his touch. I didn’t want to make him feel awkward about it. We were making developments in our shared new status as a couple. I thanked god I hadn’t drooled on his shoulder either._

_It was around five when we arrived in Inverness. I was quite tired after the long journey from England and Scotland. The air was a bit cooler as we were farther north than London. Luckily Jamie expected this and wrapped his jacket around me. I suspected my mother had packed one of my warmer ones._

_I beamed gratefully at him as he led me through the station to the car park. Waiting for us was a girl not much older than us. She had black hair and the same dark blue eyes Jamie had. Her skin was fairer than mine, and I noted she was quite a bit shorter than me._

_From the way Jamie spoke about her, I was expecting someone closer to his height I was surprised he was terrified of her. She looked perfectly harmless. He was a giant in comparison._

_I felt her eyes on me as took in my appearance. As we got closer, Jamie placed a hand on the small of my back. “Dinna let her fool ye,” he whispered. “Her bite is as vicious as her bark.”_

_I hid a smile. Somehow I didn’t find that same conclusion. From all the stories he shared, his sister had a temper, possibly one to rival his own. It was probably the Fraser in them. Although I had heard about red heads and their temperaments._

_“Jenny,” he greeted her with a kiss on her head. “This is Claire.” His eyes were pleading for her to be nice._

_She rolled her eyes at him. “It is nice to meet ye Claire. I’m sure this dolt has been fillin’ yer head with all sorts of nonsense about me.”_

_I giggled into my hands at Jamie’s affronted glare. “Dinna believe her Sassenach, tis her jealous side. She is green because I am the better Fraser out of the two of us.” He puffed out his chest, brimming with pride, and I was strongly reminded of Tom._

_ "So was yer ride okay?" _

_"Yeah we found a way to keep busy," her eyes roamed over our appearances and it dawned on me what she assumed we had done. My eyes widened in horror. This wasn't the impression I wanted to make. "Oh no, not like that kind of a busy ride, oh I just made it worse. We haven't slept together if that's what you're thinking. We've just kissed and have gone on a single date. I'm not that loose- I'm not loose and I'm just going to stop talking because my filter has disappeared and I'm making this worse."_

_I was startled by Jenny's chortles as her stern expression disappeared and her shoulders shook with her uncontrolled laughter. "Ye dinna say she was so funny brother." At least she didn't think I was some bumbling, lovestruck girl who could barely string a few coherent words together._

_Jamie threw his arm over my shoulder, pressing his lips to my temple. "That's my Claire for ye, she always keeps everything interesting unlike you."_

_Jenny and I shared a look of contempt. What was it about antagonistic younger brothers? “Oh lord, Jamie if ye want the girl, that willna impress her at all. Put the bags in the boot, ye eejit.”_

_She led me to the passenger side and I slid in, leaving the backseat for her brother. “He isna used to bein’ around girls he hasna grown up with. All the girls he knows are local. It’s fascinating he would fall for a Sassenach. Not that there’s anything particularly wrong with bein’ English, but the wee idiot used tae tell stories about how he was going to marry a Scot. Imagine the family’s shock when he told us about a Londoner named Claire. The way he goes on about ye, it was Claire is so smart and Claire wants to be a doctor every time he called home.”_

_“Ye’reexaggerating Janet.” His adorable pink face said otherwise. “She’s dramatic.”_

_“Buckle in.” She ordered in true older sister fashion. “He’s only embarrassed that I told her he’s been going on about ye for two months.”_

_“Ah Dhia,” he grumbled._

_Once Jamie was fastened in, we made our way to the family property. He spoke about his home constantly. I could picture it perfectly from his stories. He spoke of hunting with his father and fishing with his best friend in the summers. He told me stories about the history of the property, how his ancestors had married in the eighteenth century against their families wishes. There was an agreement for the couple to live on a freehold to prevent any trouble as they weren’t supposed to be together. He regaled me with all of his boyhood mischief, sitting patiently as his mother painted, and the loneliness and sadness that crept through the house after his mother’s passing._

_There was a small village surrounding the property, Broch Mordha. There were also several tenants who farmed on the land._

_The family home was built in 1702. Over time though, the family modernized the house as while it was quite with the times, the house required updates every few decades. Then electricity and plumbing came into existence, and the whole house needed a remodel. They tried not to change the overall architecture._

_When we pulled up to the structure, I was more than a bit surprised and amazed. I imagined it fairly smaller, despite Jamie’s stories. It was a handsome three-story manor of harled white stone, windows outlined in the natural gray stone, a high slate roof with multiple chimneys._ **_[1]_ **

_It was beautiful. I easily pictured a younger version of the boy in the backseat running around the property, driving everyone around him mad with his antics. He seemed to be the restless type with perhaps too much energy in his stores. I glanced back at him to find his eyes glued to the house. His eyes met my own and a grin formed on his beautiful face. Those slanted blue eyes crinkled at the corners. He was experiencing joy at being able to share all of this with me._

_It was quite the birthday present._

**Now**

“How is yer work?” She asked casually, although her tone suggested it was anything but. She was trying to distract me. I had other things in my life to do that than small talk.

I pursed my lips. “I have a confession.” Her eyebrows rose, but her eyes remained on the road. “The man I told you I was seeing, he… proposed.” The last part was whispered as I still hadn’t quite processed it myself. “I said yes.” She was the first person I’d told. These weren’t circumstances I imagined telling anyone about what should be a happy occasion.

If anything, her brows traveled further up her forehead. “Is that not a good thing? I thought you loved him.” Jenny was the only person I knew would understand. She had been there from the beginning. “Or is there something else bothering you?”

Tears clung to my lashes. “I’m the worst person in the history of the world.” I sobbed. “I should t allowed to feel any sort of happiness, not with my daughter in the hospital.” I sighed. “It was unexpected to say the least. Peter has been good for me. I’m nervous to tell Jamie and the girls about the engagement. I can’t imagine what he’ll say about it.”

“Weel, I’m not going to tell ye what to do Claire. Yer almost thirty-five years old, and ye canna figure Jamie into the picture. We’ve all done this before. I’ll admit I was more than devastated when ye first separated and then pursued divorce legally and through the church, but ye’re allowed to move on. He dinna need his approval. Would it be nice if he did? Yes, but this is yer life.” This was why I’d always loved Jenny. She put everything into perspective when I overanalysed. “Don’t ever feel guilty for how you built your life up again.”

Jenny was the only person I confided in following the aftermath of my marriage. She encouraged me and listened with a somewhat impartial ear. She never revealed to Jamie things I told her, or else he would’ve been back in a blink. I was a wreck following everything and didn’t know what I was going to do. It was rough time for me, and Jamie probably struggled as well. Promises of forever weren’t meant to be taken lightly. No one intended to get a divorce upon marrying. Life happens. It certainly happened to us.

“I guess it’s more than strange to be engaged again to another man. When I agreed to it the first time, well I thought that would be it. I meant my vows and the whole forever thing.” My eyes fell to my hands and my ring finger. “I haven’t really seen the man in the last decade. I hardly know what I feel for him. Along the way, the contempt disappeared. I was angry for longer than I should have been. He took the brunt of it then.” Jamie was a complicated figure in my past. He wasn’t the only one responsible for how we fell apart at the end. Neither of us behaved maturely or rationally. In the end, we hurt each other.

“It’s natural for bitterness to go away after a time. Ye took the brunt of his anger.” She glanced at me skeptically for a moment. “Every love is different, Claire. It should feel different. It doesn’t always have to be a loud love. Passion and love come in all forms, and every time you give a part of you you to someone else, it’s different. There was actually someone before Ian.”

I tried to cover my shock, but I did a poor job of it. I knew they hadn’t started dating until they were both in university. However, it was obvious to everyone who knew them that there was something between them. They sent shy and secretive glances across the dinner table, went on walks, and were a bundle of nerves in close proximity. They jumped when accidentally touching, the flushed face, etc.

“I dated a boy named Callum during my first two years at university. I’m ashamed in many ways because I was harbouring feelings for Ian. However, I think I needed the relationship. It helped me to realised if I never got to be with him, well it would be okay. I would be fine.” She was silent for a moment. “He was kind to me when I was homesick. He didna know anything about me and hadn’t seen me grow up, yet he was interested. He listened to me talk all the time, mind ye.” Her eyes caught mine briefly. “I learned that you can love more than one person in a romantic way. They are never the same, but why should that matter? You can have multiple loves. Callum was my first because as much as I cared for Ian, I couldn’t classify those feelings as love either. We didn’t know each other outside of being friends. We hadn’t shared a kiss or admitted any feelings.”

“I could’ve easily been happy with him. I suppose we set our minds on one person, but bear in mind no matter how much ye may want something, you canna always have it. We shared something special, and I hold a fondness in my heart for him. He taught me about love.” She admitted. “We dated for a time too. We only broke things off when he graduated and took a job offer abroad.”

I didn’t know what to say. “I thought it was Ian. I thought he was all of your firsts from the way you interacted.”

“Yes, well I never told ye about Callum. He was what I needed at the time, and sometimes I think about him. It’s not to say I don’t love Ian or what we share, but it’s strange sometimes to imagine how different paths could lead ye to a completely different life. As I said, I loved him. I wouldna have minded being his wife. It didna work out that way. I don’t want ye to think of Jamie when ye think of marrying Paul. I know you believe in soulmates. The truth of it is that we make our own soulmates. There’s no one person out there that we are destined to spend forever with. That’s movie nonsense.”

I finally understood what she was getting at with her story. Even though I had a long and sordid history with Jamie, and there were still plenty of things left unsaid, I couldn’t allow myself to get caught up in it. While pieces of my heart belonged to him, we tried. We put so much effort into our marriage, but by the end it couldn’t erase the feelings of contempt. In the end, we couldn’t handle it. We clung to our feelings and wielded them like weapons. Sometimes we intentionally inflicted pain just because we could. We spewed words of hatred and watched as they had their intended effect. It was tainted.

I wasn’t sure if I had the chance to fix my mistakes with him if I would. It seemed so long ago. I barely identified with person I was then, and I could hardly expect Jamie to be the same. Another chance with him was too frightening to consider. I buried the thought.

Jenny allowed me to have a moment to myself while in the car park. She stood at a respectful distance from the car as I had a good cry and cleaned myself up. I was distressed about a great many things and needed to get it all out.

My daughters didn’t need to see me post-meltdown. “Ready?” She held a hand out for me, which I took gratefully.

“Ye ken I thought it was just the girls that were American, but Claire yer not as English anymore.” The corners of her lips twitched, and I knew she was teasing me. “You’re so emotional now. Aside from you know… I’ve never seen you properly cry.”

“Well if you can’t beat them then join them.” The elevator doors opened and she led me onto the ward.

I saw Bree before she saw me. She was sitting patiently outside a room with her legs swinging back and forth. Her curls were a mess and I saw tear tracks on her little face. She was so defeated and seemed smaller than her larger than life personality.

I rushed to her and pulled her into my embrace. “Mommy?” She cried into my neck. “It was so scary. She was only going out and then…” she hiccupped as tears continued to fall. I rubbed her back soothing as I had when she was an infant. It was a gesture that always seemed to calm her down. She pushed back with water blue eyes. “They were supposed to be gone for a little bit. Cousin Jamie invited me along too, but I wanted to help Aunt Jenny in the kitchen.” The guilt was in her eyes.

“Bree, it wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have known what was going to happen. I think your sister will be just fine. She’s hurt at the moment, but she will get better.” I brushed away tears and ran my fingers over the contours of her face. It was pathetic how much I missed her. She hadbeen gone just over a week, and it felt as if ages had passed since I last held her. “She sustained some serious injuries, but she will heal. I know it’s scary to feel helpless,” my mind flashed back to a pool of blood. “But you couldn’t have known this would’ve happened. It’s why it’s called an accident.” I saw my fingers reaching for the phone just out of my reach. “You were very brave and strong for your dad and sister. I know it can be terrifying to feel useless, but there’s nothing you could’ve done to prevent this. They were in the wrong place at the wrong time.” She smiled a little. The worry wouldn’t fully disappear until her sister was all healed and not in hospital.

“Now what’s going on with your hair?” She shrugged her shoulders. Bree hadn’t mastered the skill of styling her own hair. 

I pulled a hairbrush out of my purse and began to try and detangle it. It allowed me a few more minutes to compose myself. Jenny sat beside us, but focused her attention on her phone. She was checking in with Ian.

I plaited Bree’s hair and kissed her head. “I’m going to go check on your sister now.” She nodded. “You stay here with your Aunt Jenny and be a good girl.”

The door was closed, probably so Isla could get some rest. I hesitated for a second before pushing open the door.

Isla was tiny in the bed, or at least it was my perception. Her face was covered in scratches and a few bruises. Her leg was elevated and swollen. It was going to be a long road of recovery for her, at least a year. Isla wouldn’t like it. It was going to change her plans especially sports.

She was asleep. I imagined the drugs they had running through her system were assisting with that.

At my entrance, a mop of red hair popped up. His blue eyes found mine and it was if it were seventeen years ago.

“Claire,” escaped him before he even realised his lips were moving.

“Hello Jamie,” I said in return. My eyes roamed over him. The years were good and somehow he was more handsome and rugged.

There was a sleepy look in his eyes, but from the dark circles underneath, I knew sleep was hard to come by. I supposed I wasn’t looking much better myself. I couldn’t judge him either as he had seen her before the surgery and before she had been cleaned up. I shivered.

I moved to Isla’s side and stroked her face. Her face relaxed in her sleep. “That’s the first time she’s looked like that since they transported her here.” I detected the sadness in his tone.

“She’s not used to being sick without me around.” I explained as I took a seat, my eyes never leaving her prone figure. “She hates the hospital. When she had her appendix out, another kid on the ward died. It frightened her, and she was terrified she was going to die.”

My hand grasped hers. Her fingers twitched slightly.

“I didna think this would happen. Jamie is a careful driver. The driver in the car was speeding and didn’t stop at the intersection. He slammed right into the passenger side. Isla took the brunt of it.”

I held up my free hand to stop him. “It’s alright. I know you would never let anything intentionally bad happen to either of them.” He turned away his face to wipe away his tears. His mind a million miles from here. “Accidents happen. We will discuss with her doctor the situation with her leg. I promise I don’t blame you.”

Although at one point in time, I blamed him for all the wrongs in my life.

“Thank ye, is there anything I can get you?” He was trying his best. “You must be exhausted after yer trip.”

I shook my head. “I’m not hungry. I think if I tried to put anything in my stomach, it would come back up.”

He nodded, absorbing my words with a mindful look. He had aged as I expected he would. I suppose in my mind he stayed twenty-five years old. I did my best to avoid talking him face to face and saved those interactions for the girls. All of our business was conducted the old fashioned way over the phone. There were few times where we crossed paths. I tried not to look too hard. Seeing him made me ache and not in a good way.

His hair was a bit longer and darker. He had a few more laugh lines around his eyes and mouth. He aged quite well, and although he wasn’t happy at the moment, I knew he was happy overall. He had dated. He found an occupation he loved. He wasn’t miserable as he had been ten years ago when it seemed life was crushing us from all sides.

He was nothing like the dour, regretful man who carried around his guilt like a blanket. There was a lightness he didn’t possess before, something that disappeared the moment everything went to hell in a hand basket. He was eating regularly again and regained what he lost. There was more muscle. He looked good.

“Ye look good Claire,” he was being kind. I wasn’t exactly ready for the cover of Cosmo, but him, if he had a suit on, he was ready for GQ. “Have ye talked with Bree?” He was trying, but it was hard to have a conversation. I vowed to myself that I would never put myself in a situation where the two of us were alone again. “She should’ve been outside. The lass couldn’t stop crying when she was in here.”

I sighed. “I did. She’s tired. If you want, I’ll stay with Isla. You can take Bree to your house to sleep.” His eyes narrowed as he realized my choice of words regarding his home. I hadn’t meant them the way he took them. Or maybe I had. I was uneasy knowing that Jamie was aware of all of those little idiosyncrasies. Most people would’ve waved it off, thinking nothing of it, but Jamie saw through me. I more than implied it was home and not our daughters.

He left the room in a bit of a huff, annoyed with me. I ignored it because miscommunication was normal between us these days. Five minutes had to have been some sort of record between us. Normally it took a bit longer for one of us to push the other out.

“I’ve made a dog’s breakfast of this.” We had to tolerate each other for however long it took for Isla to be cleared for long distance travel. There was no escaping him. How were we supposed to coexist when we couldn’t get past the awkward exes stage? We mostly skipped that step with his move and only have spent time together in very small doses since the divorce was finalized. It hardly qualified as being a mature adult, but we tended to get under each other’s skin. We knew where to push to get a reaction.

We weren’t doing our best so far to navigate post-divorce life. I decided to make it a goal to be comfortable in his presence and to be cordial for my children’s sake.

Isla was still in her bed. It was a bit odd to see as she normally tossed and turned. She was a side sleeper, so I knew it was uncomfortable for her.

The lacerations didn’t look to poorly and there was only one deep enough that it required stitches. It would barely leave a scar. “Oh my little love, I promise we will get you all better. I can’t believe this happened.”

Like a dam breaking, tears spilled down my face when I could no longer hold them back. I thought I had gotten it all out in the car, but seeing her in the bed, so broken and tiny, it made the situation real. It was one thing to know something, but it was a wholly different thing to bear witness to it. For a while, Isla’s life was going to be different and that was if there weren’t any complications. “Baby, I’m so sorry you’re in pain. It feels like my fault even though I wasn’t there. Just know I won’t be leaving your side again anytime soon. I love you.” I kissed her hand and held tight to it. I needed the closeness, the assurance she was still alive, with me.

I just needed to keep my shit together for the next few weeks. If I could do that then everything would be fine. The problem was when I was around him, my mouth tended to speak before my brain caught on to what was coming out. “Keep it together, Fraser.” I could do this. It was just a few weeks. How hard could it be?

[1] Outlander, chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The little changes are setting the stage for the bigger change to come. It's sort of like a puzzle. I want there to be real conflict this time around instead of back and forth. The first time I lacked forethought on a lot of things, weird given I had written the ending before a lot of the later chapters. So I'm being proactive. I know where I'm going this time. We are still going to arrive at the same place, but with some unpredictable and new forks in the road.


	7. She Used to Be Mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's play spot the difference jk  
> I hope everyone had a good week. Mine was okay. I'm getting tired of the weather being inconsistent and all of the rain, but what can you do? I've had this chapter done for days, but I've been too lazy to post it.

**JPOV**

I slid lower in the chair as my eyes drifted shut. The last twenty-four hours were catching up to me, and not in a good way. I was exhausted. I refused to sleep while she was in surgery. All I could do was pace, sit, then pace some more. Jenny attempted to force me to eat, but the thought of food was revolting.

Before they took her to x-ray, I was allowed in to see her. I nearly broke something at the sight of my little girl bruised and swollen, looking far too small on the gurney. There was a lot of dried blood, so it was difficult to determine how bad it all was. What I did notice was the size of her thigh. She was unconscious, but they told me she cried at the scene until she lost consciousness. Mostly, she called out for her mother. I had gone with her when they airlifted her to the hospital in Edinburgh, not once did she regain consciousness.

Jenny drove up with Bree, while Ian stayed back with the kids. Jamie had some minor cuts and bruises. His concussion was mild; he was upset about the accident and apologized profusely.

Making the phone call to Claire, gutted me. It wasn’t a call I had ever expected to make. While accidents happen, I never thought anything like this would happen. Bree was distraught and cried the entire drive over until she wore herself out. Jenny said she refused to calm down. She wailed about how it was her fault and she should have agreed to go with them.

They were worried about her femur. They had to do surgery to repair or risk further damage to her leg. I would’ve preferred Claire to have been there as she knew more about what they were saying. It was just a whole lot of medical jargon. There were some injuries to her ribs and she had a concussion from the impact, but it was the leg that would cause the most problems untreated.

Claire was still in the air by the time Isla was moved to recovery. I still called and left a message. I didn’t want her panicking after her flight. It was unlikely she had slept during the trip. She wouldn’t have been able to control her emotions enough and her anxiety would have gotten the best of her.

Jenny had gone to pick Claire up from the airport as I refused to leave Isla’s side. She somehow managed to catch a last minute flight out of Boston with a small layover in her hometown. Most of my night was spent comforting when the medicine began to wear off. The nurses would come back and administer another dose to help her sleep.

The ribs would heal on their own. Her cuts weren’t too deep. Overall, she was lucky. It could’ve been much worse, and I couldn’t stop thanking god that it wasn’t.

The worst part of the night came when Isla woke up and cried for Claire. I tried to soothe her, but she pushed me away. “Mommy,” she sobbed, her face red with exertion. It was made worse by the tiny cuts on her face. “I just want my mommy. Where is she? I need her!”

I sympathized with the lass as I recalled a few hospital visits myself after my mother died. I loved my da, but there’s something about the presence of a mother. However, I was jealous. Part of me hated that it wasn’t me she was crying for. I felt guilty for feeling that way when I reminded myself where we were, but my heart clenched every time she called for her mother.

Bree stayed with Jenny at my house after I calmed her down when they arrived. Bree had made it known she wanted Claire as well. I was helpless for the first time in years. It reminded me of the first summer where I had Isla and Bree. Bree was two and Isla was four. Isla knew me far better than her sister, as a result Bree spent several nights crying for her “mama.” I had to call Claire, which was sometimes awkward because she was usually at work.

It took a few summers for Bree to not repeatedly ask to call her mother multiple times a day. Isla was more independent, not to say she wouldn’t hop on the phone if her mother was on the other side. She tried to hide it, but she missed her mum.

Those were the moments I regretted leaving Boston. My daughters were growing up on the other side of the world believing it was perfectly acceptable to have a father who saw them a few times a year. Sure we supplemented with phone calls and FaceTime chats, but it could never make up for the dance recitals, sports games, school plays, and teacher conferences I missed out on. Everything came secondhand. I was never the first to know.

When I left, I never imagined this would be the life I was leading. I wasn’t thinking clearly at the time about the ramifications of my choice. I needed to get away from Claire and all reminders of her, unfortunately it was my children I hurt the most. Sometimes it felt as if we barely knew each other even with all the time we talked on the phone. Sure there were things i experienced with them that Claire missed out on, but she had months on end with Isla and Bree. She witnessed all of their highs and lows.

Isla’s brow scrunched in her sleep as she shifted. A painful murmur of “mommy” left her lips.

“Shh,” I stroked her hair. “Your mother is almost here. I promise lass, just a wee bit longer.” She must have understood as her body relaxed in slumber. I knew she was uncomfortable. She hated sleeping on her back.

It wasn’t much longer until Claire arrived. My body knew the exact moment she was near. I could almost smell her perfume waft into the room. My body senses heightened in anticipation of her presence. I frowned as she hadn’t entered, then I heard voices in the hall.

I almost forgot about Bree. She was out in the hall with no one to watch her. She was on her iPad watching a movie or playing games. She couldn’t enter the room without crying, and I didn’t want to traumatize the lass. It was the last thing anyone wanted or needed. As soon as Isla cried the first time, Bree fled the room in tears. We decided it was best if she stayed out unless she felt she could handle it.

After what seemed like forever, she finally entered the room. The first thing I noticed about her was her hair. She wore her hair straight. The last time I saw her, she was still wearing her curls. She had never liked them, but I did. Her locks were shorter than I had seen them.

I noticed how knackered she appeared to be. Her eyes were fixated on our daughter. She hadn’t seemed to register my presence in the room.

It gave me extra time to fully take her in. She was thinner, having shed the remainder of her baby weight. While we had crossed paths in the years since our divorce, there was never enough time for me to get a good look at her. Claire was always slim, so that hadn’t changed much. She still filled out her jeans quite nicely. I also noticed the slight tan to her skin. It was strange as Claire usually burned.

When I thought of her over the years, I imagined her constantly in the hospital or driving the girls around. It never occurred she had something resembling a private life. There were things we never talked about, too many. I supposed it was naive of me as I had my own life. Why shouldn’t she? I knew there was a man in her life, and only because I saw her. She did manage to share the news with me, and only because she didn’t want me to hear it from Isla or Bree.

Somehow, within minutes of her arrival, we were already quarreling. The worst part was that it was an overreaction on my behalf. She knew how to get a rise, and while part of me believed the words slipped out of their own accord, another part knew she meant what she said.

Claire was an intelligent woman. She had been bright and precocious from the time she was barely more than a babe. She never said anything she didn’t mean. I learned the hard way in the past how cruel and cutting her words were, and how I never wanted them directed at me again. Words were her weapon of choice. She knew how to perfectly wield them.

What she implied with her biting comment was the temporary nature of our daughters’ stay here in Scotland. It was my home, not theirs. She meant Bree and Isla belonged in Boston with her. She wasn’t wrong. When people asked Isla and Bree where they were from, they always responded with Massachusetts. It garnered quite a few stares, especially from friends and coworkers. I was Scottish, but my daughters were not.

I had at least considered my home to be a second home for them. While it wasn’t their primary one, it was theirs. They could visit whenever they liked.

The problem with Claire’s anger was she let it speak for her. All of these years of peace between us were a result of thousands of kilometers in distance between us. I didn’t have to see her, and she didn’t have to see me. It worked for us. It was the easiest path. There were few occasions where we were forced to share the same air. Some of them we refused to acknowledge.

I collected Bree, who was dozing in her chair outside Isla’s room. I carried her to the car. Her warm weight was comforting to me. She kept me grounded, and holding her in my arms was perfect. I inhaled her sweet scent and felt her tiny breaths against my neck. I laid her down in the backseat and buckled her in.

The drive home was uneventful. There weren’t a lot of people out this late on a weekday.

My mind kept replaying the words we said and the ones we didn’t. Her eyes were a swirl of emotions. I couldn’t identify all of them. There was one I knew all too well though, grief. I’m not sure it ever went away. Mine didn’t.

Jenny agreed to stay at the hospital with them. She was running on far more sleep than I was. As soon as she saw my stricken face, I was pulled into a tight hug. “She dinna mean it. She’s a mother worried about her child. She hasna had time to think through it all yet.” I nodded despondently. “She hasn’t slept and neither have ye. Everything will look different in the morning.”

I hadn’t agreed. If Claire could not forgive me in nine years, I doubted she could in a few hours.

The next day I awoke later than normal.

I laid in bed pondering over yesterday’s events. Christ, she was beautiful and ornery. I saw the fiery passion and devotion in her eyes the moment they landed on our daughter. She was determined to see to Isla’s care, and comprehend the situation fully. She had likely bullied some of the doctors and nurses last night. She was a bulldozer.

I knew Claire. While there were changes, underneath it all she was the same girl I met on the train all those years ago. Perhaps not the exact same, but she wasn’t unrecognizable either. Or maybe I didn’t want to acknowledge that she had become someone else. She accused me years ago of not seeing her.

_July 2009_

_“Ye canna be serious Claire!”_

_She had gotten a lawyer and she desired to start the process for mediation. She didn’t want this to turn into a contested divorce scenario where it could drag out for years. She wanted minimal involvement from the courts. I had to agree with her. I didn’t want to put our family through that, but still I wasn’t entirely behind this divorce._

_We could work it out. We had gotten through the hard times in the past. Why did this have to be different?_

_“Do I look as if I’m joking?”_

_I conceded. “I thought we could talk it through. It doesn’t have to be this way.”_

_She glared at me. “Jamie, do you hear yourself? Sometimes I think you don’t. You have this complex about fixing things when some things simply can’t be repaired.”_

_“What- what do you want from me?” My voice cracked. I was struggling with everything after these last few months. So much had occurred and my mind was spinning. I couldn’t up with it all. It was happening too fast. “I-I can’t lose you…”_

_She buried her face in her hands and cried. I froze. A huge part of me yearned to go over and comfort her, but I knew my touch wasn’t welcome. It would make the situation worse._

_“Please don’t cry, I just I don’t know how we got here.”_

_A few moments passed where the only audible sound was Claire’s crying. “I’m not doing this to hurt you. I’m doing it to save you and me from a lifetime of misery. Do I make you happy?”_

_My mouth popped open and I was stumped by her question. I hadn't taken the time to evaluate my emotions throughout the last few months to ponder about the state of my happiness. Was I happy? Maybe not at that moment, but everyone went through periods of unhappiness. It was normal. We would get through this. “Claire, it’s normal for us to have a rough go at things every once in a while.”_

_She shook her head, disagreeing immediately, a sad smile on her lips that doesn't belong there. “That wasn’t my question. I inquired about your happiness as it relates to me and our marriage. Do I make you happy?” A void of silence opened up as neither of us spoke. With those words, she had _ _inadvertently brought forth our overdue demise, and I had to wonder if it was as unexpected as I originally believed. The way things stood wasn't something I was proud of; Claire wasn't either. I was certain of that if nothing else._

_What was there to say? My lack of answer was proving her correct. I couldn’t say she made me happy, at least not the way I imagined when we exchanged vows. I hardly recalled what happiness was after the haze settled over my life. I had experienced everything but that pesky emotion in the last seven or so months. Was I content? Comfortable? Those were different questions._ They however weren’t the one she was asking. Were we settling for what was familiar? How had we gotten to the point where we contemplated our existence as a couple? Once upon a time, I hated the thought of sleeping because it meant I couldn't see her. I stayed awake long past her to watch her as she snoozed in my arms. Her warmth breaths washed over me and she tucked herself closer, soaking up my heat. We hadn't shared a bed in some time and when we did, there wasn't any intimacy. She slept on her side and I kept to mine. 

_A single tear fell down my cheek. I took a seat across from her, uncomfortable with the difference in our height. It wasn’t about power or persuading her to not go through with the divorce. This wasn't an attempt to intimidate her into doing what I wanted. I had to understand. _

_“May I ask how you knew?”_

_Claire was startled. She was caught off guard by me. It rarely happened that I managed to turn the tables on her. “You mean aside from the nasty business with Britney?” I grimaced, displeasure finding a home in my chest as she brought up a sore point between us. “Sorry that was uncalled for and was a cheap shot. It didn’t happen suddenly if that’s what you’re wondering. I progressively realized even before…” she cleared her throat uncomfortably, her eyes flickering away for a moment. My fists unconsciously clenched with the desire to reach across the chasm to grab her hand. I restrained myself. “I was unhappy with the way things were. We were barely talking. Then one day, I saw how you looked at me at breakfast. It looked as if you were trying to work out a puzzle as if I didn’t make sense to you. I started noticing how you barely knew me. You would order food I hated or rent movies that I would never watch. You never wanted to talk before we went to bed. We always did that even when we were having a row. I would want to share all these details about my life, but you weren’t really listening. You would hum here and there and make other noises to signify you were sort of paying attention. You didn’t see me anymore. Then I got to a point where I didn’t care. I figured we could get over it and then well you know. Everything changed.”_

_I looked up to hold off my own tears. Was that where we were? Had I ignored her without realizing it? Were we playing the roles of dutiful husband and wife? I hadn’t noticed when she stopped making tea for me in the morning, or when she left my food wrapped in the fridge instead of waiting for me. She used to pack for me when I went away on work trips. She stopped popping in for lunch on her days off. When had we become this?_

_“I didn’t even realize. I was wrapped up in my life and you were in yours. I didn’t notice you hadn’t done anything for my birthday.” There were gifts from my family and my daughters, but Claire herself didn’t do anything. “Why didn’t I notice?”_

_Her face softened, although I thought I detected a hint of pity in her solemn gaze. “Jamie, I didn’t either. I would’ve told anyone who asked we were having a rough patch and that we would work it out. I didn’t know it had become a massive problem. We didn’t trust each other. We never talked unless it was to pick a fight. We’ve been drowning for so long, we didn’t know what it felt like to breathe.”_

_It was an aptly put metaphor. All this time my head had been under water. “Where do we go? Can we really not fix it?”_

_“No, I don’t think we can. The last time we talked, or I suppose argued would be a better way to describe it, we said stuff we can’t take back. We’ve said a lot recently that we can’t take back. I could forgive you, but I would never forget. I don’t think you could either. I saw the hurt on your face when I accused you of adultery. Regardless of whether it was physical, there was an emotional component, a connection you forged with her.” Her eyes were shiny and red as she held back her tears. “I could perhaps forgive physical, maybe, I don’t know.” She tugged on her hair as her mouth twisted into a grimace. “But the truth is you shared private things about us with her. You unburdened yourself with her instead of me.” She smacked her chest to emphasize her point._

_The hurt was beautifully captured on her face as tears spilled onto her flushed cheeks and her pink lips trembled. Her shoulders lowered in defeat. She was crushed, more devastated than I had seen her._

_“I’m your wife, but most of the time I feel like your housemate.” She tried to brush away the tears, but they continued to fall with reckless abandon. “You told her about loads of things it never occurred for you to tell me. You felt comfortable enough with her, and if that doesn’t bode well for a relationship, I don’t know what does. I’ve been frustrated every time you dismissed my concerns and it reached a boiling point. I’m not blaming you as I’ve got my fair share of the blame. I closed myself off after a while and put more distance between us. We haven’t been working for a long time. I can’t pretend anymore.”_

_Neither could I. While I loved her, those were insurmountable obstacles. I wasn’t prepared to tackle all of them. This had been building.. I was frustrated with her too. As much as I didn’t see her, she didn’t see me either. We put everything else in our lives above our marriage, and it was finally catching up to us._

That day was a revelation. Despite our newfound agreement on the state of our marriage, we still were rather contentious in our interactions. We couldn’t always help it. We did try to keep it away from our daughters. Our negotiations with our lawyers weren’t peaceful by any means.

Throughout all of our difficulties however, my emotional and physical responses to her hadn’t changed when she was in close proximity. It was like every nerve ending in my body. I felt when she was near, and I automatically craved the touch of her skin. I wanted her hand in my mine, smooth against rough. I wanted her small hands engulfed in mine as our fingers slid into place, reminding us we were home. I needed her to acknowledge me, or talk to me. Something continued to draw me to her even when I wanted nothing to do with her.

She frustrated me to no end, but I was fully aware I’d never love another woman like her. It didn’t mean I couldn’t love again, but that it would never be as all consuming as my love for her.

I rubbed the ‘C’ tattoo on my ring finger where I knew Claire had a matching ‘J’ tattoo. I pledged myself to her, not for the moment, but for the rest of existence. There was never going to be a single second where I didn’t want her. In the end, it still didn’t equal long-term compatibility.

My actions spoke otherwise about my eternal devotion. I was caught up in my own world back then. I let the best thing to happen to me go without a fight. I stared at her as she signed away any ties to me. I didn’t raise a single protest when we filed the documentation to end our marriage or when I made the choice to move out. I accepted my losses. 

My bedroom door opened to reveal a bleary eyed Bree. Her fists rubbed furiously to get the sleep out of her eyes as she trudged closer to me. “Daddy?” Her voice floated across the room. “Can we go back to the hospital now? I miss mommy and I want to see Isla.”

When we were both ready to leave, Bree slid into the backseat and stared out the window as we drove through the city. She maintained her steely silence from the moment I set her down in her bed until we reached the hospital.

Her reactions were quick as she unbuckled herself and opened/closed the car door. She waited impatiently for me by the entrance. Her hair was still braided from the previous night. I swallowed a sigh, knowing it was another thing I was unable to do for my daughters. It was ridiculous to feel such a way, but I found myself often measuring my parenting against Claire’s.

Claire was like superwoman. She cooked, parented, worked insane hours, taught, and loads of other stuff. She managed to balance it all. She kept up with our daughters’ busy schedules. She found time last night to plait Bree’s hair.

It was hard not to envy how effortlessly she performed her tasks.

Jenny was gone when we arrived. I figured she probably found a room at a nearby hotel. She was bone tired, and I felt guilty for taking her away from her family. Jamie didn’t come away entirely unscathed from the accident, but he was fairing better than Isla. Still, I didn’t know how Jenny wasn’t panicking. In ordinary circumstances, she would’ve been there at young Jamie’s side smothering him with her mothering.

If I tried to shoo her away though it would only backfire in my face. She wouldn’t leave until she had something good to report back on the homestead.

Bree bounded into the room without a thought. I followed directly behind her. Claire’s head was buried in Isla’s lap as she slept soundlessly. Her hand clutch Isla’s smaller one tightly.

What was surprising was Isla’s wide blue eyes were open and staring at her sister. Her face attempted to mask the pain, but from what the doctors told me it would be a while before she wouldn’t be in any pain from her injuries. It was why she was on such heavy pain medications.

“Hi dad,” she croaked.

I poured her some water and held the straw to her lips. She tried not to move too much to allow Claire some rest and to prevent any pain from her ribs.

Bree sat beside her sister. “You were sleeping for a long time.” I heard her choke back her tears. “I was scared you wouldn’t wake up.”

I scooped Bree up and planted her in my lap. “It’s okay. Both of my little loves are going to be fine. Isla is awake now, and while she’s got a long recovery ahead of her, the doctors believe she will heal perfectly.” There was no need to worry either of them. There was always a chance of complications, but that wasn’t for them to think about.

Isla’s eyes darted to ward her mother’s head. She licked her chapped lips. “How long has mom been here?”

“She arrived yesterday. Bree and I went home and slept for a while when she took over.”

Both girls chewed on their lips nervously. “Daddy, you didn’t seem that happy when you left Isla’s room last night.” I hadn’t realized how apparent my anger was.

“We had a bit of a disagreement. Your mother and I had a misunderstanding is all. I am happy she’s here to make yer sister feel better.”

They exchanged glances and I knew they were having a conversation with their eyes. “It’s okay if you want her here too.” Isla said. “We know you’ve missed her. You were friends first right?”

I pursed my lips thoughtfully. She wasn’t wrong about how our relationship started, but I suspected she had ulterior motives. Personally, I never thought about how we were the cliché related to best friends falling in love. There were only usually two end results. The first was that they remained perfectly happy together. The other was they pretended they would continue to be best friends, but in reality what they shared was gone. There were of course areas of grey, but Claire and I fell firmly into the latter.

“Yer mother was my best friend.” I admitted to them. “I can’t imagine never meeting her. We wouldn’t have the two of you.” If there was anything that came out of our marriage, it was our daughters.

“How did you meet?” Isla asked, her face scrunched up. I had never shared the story with them.

“Weel, it was on the train from Inverness. See yer mother had visited her uncle for a few days. He was doing research in the area. I was leaving home to attend school in London. I was to stay with my uncle in the city, which was a new experience for me. When I had gotten on the train, yer mother was already sitting. I asked if I could take the seat across from her. I ken my presence annoyed her as she held back a scowl, but remained polite and curt. Then I somehow managed to charm her by introducing myself. We spent nearly the entire trip sharing about ourselves.” I closed my eyes as I pictured that long ago day with a young, fresh faced, pensive Claire.

The years were kind to her as she grew into her beauty. She was one of those women who looked even better as she aged. “I thought she was beautiful. I almost told her, but I was embarrassed.” I noticed a slight shift of Claire’s body. “I thought this girl had to be way out of my league. She was intelligent, had a good sense of humor, and was undeniably gorgeous. Although, I dinna think she believed it.” She told me often enough how it was hard to believe it when I told her. The only reason she didn’t deny it was because she saw the sincerity in my eyes.

“We exchanged numbers, but the best moment was when she got up to get off at her stop and the train came to an abrupt halt. She fell right into my lap. I held her waist and her tiny frame to my own. I smelled her hair. I kent I shouldn’t have done that, but it was hard to resist the temptation. God kent there was no other woman for me on the planet, and chose that particular day to introduce me to the other half of my soul. She gave me a good sniff as well, and then jumped out of my lap and rushed off the train. I rang her later after I got home and we spent hours talking.”

I knew Claire was awake, but I wasn’t willing to call her on it. She was allowing me a moment with our children. She was also probably trying to stave off my mortification at admitting such a thing.

“So do you miss her as your friend?” Bree asked, snuggling into my chest.

I deliberated my answer not wanting to appear too zealous. If I was too earnest well the girls would hope for something that would never come to fruition. I didn’t want them to get the wrong impression.

**CPOV**

I waited for his answer, feigning sleep. I had awoken at the start of his story. Most of the things I already knew, and it was nice to know I hadn’t imagined him sniffing my hair. It was funny we both had gotten a good sniff in.

While most people would think he was waxing poetic, I sensed the truth of his words. Jamie was a man of his word. It was one of the important life lessons his father instilled him at a young age.

The hurt look on his face gutted me. I experienced my own form of devastation. The tears freely poured from my eyes, and it was a rough night. I shouldn’t have treated him as if he were nothing because it wasn’t true. He didn’t deserve it.

I supposed the distance allowed me to control my emotions and learn how to channel them. However, it was easier because I didn’t have him in front of me.

There wasn’t a daily reminder. The pain wasn’t constantly pressing in on me. My lungs weren’t constricting as I struggled to control my breath and anger. I wasn’t losing control. I had control. I knew my therapist would be proud at how I’ve managed the situation so far. She wouldn’t be pleased by my cold shoulder treatment, but she would praise me for not losing it.

One of the first skills we worked on was forgiveness. Yet, sometimes I wondered if I possessed the ability in my heart and soul to forgive. I carried around all the nasty, angry, heart wrenching feelings until I was ready to burst. And burst I did, right in the middle of an anatomy lab.

“I cherished the friendship yer mother and I had. We didn’t immediately jump into a relationship. We spent time getting to know each other. I suppose what hurt the most when we divorced was losing all those years of friendship. I canna blame yer mom for the failure of our friendship to thrive. Sometimes life is hard, and adults can’t always stay friends. It’s easy to say, but hard to do.”

Silence settled comfortably in the room. The girls were quiet and likely contemplating their odds at rekindling the relationship between Jamie and myself. I knew what they desired, but I had my own news to share with them.

I made a big show of stretching and yawning. From the sparkle in his merry blue eyes, Jamie was on to me. “Good morning darling, how are you feeling?” I switched into mommy doctor mode as Isla called it.

“I’m fine,” I fixed her with a look and she amended. “Okay so I’m in some pain. My leg really hurts.”

There wasn’t much to be done for her leg except medication and eventually physical therapy. She didn’t know the full extent of her injuries, and I hated to be the one to tell her.

“You’re going to be feeling some pain for a while. It was a femur fracture. They had to do surgery to repair it. It involves screws and other hardware to correct the alignment. Unfortunately, it also means that there won’t be any sports this year.”

Tears clung to her dark lashes as she rested them against her cheeks. “When can I play again?”

“Oh love, you won’t be able to play until next year at the very least. Fractures take time to heal, and you’ve got to let it. You will need physical therapy at some point to build back up strength and flexibility. For the most part, you should be able to do your normal every day stuff.” She nodded absentmindedly. Her mind was somewhere else. There were other things like blood thinners and compression stockings to discuss, but for now I would leave it.

I glanced over at Jamie to find Bree asleep in his arms. The situation was wearing on her, and my heart clenched for my little girls. Isla’s eyes drooped and she tried to fight off the medicine, but her body was weak and tired. Her body needed to heal.

“Jamie-“

“Claire-“ we both blushed and glanced away. “Go first,” he said.

I attempted to make eye contact, but found myself unable to hold it. “I want to apologize for my egregious comment last night.” His lips twitched. “It was never my intention to offend you.” He clutched Bree tighter. “I guess it’s been a long time since I had to share them with anyone. I never fully learned that particular lesson as a toddler.” I smiled wryly. “When you left Boston, it was my assumption we wouldn’t have to have many face to face interactions.” His crestfallen face caused an ache in my heart.

“Before you say anything, I suppose my problem was knowing the possibility you were happy. It’s almost easy in a way to sign the dotted line and your rights away, but the aftermath…” I inhaled sharply, unsure of where I am headed. “What’s left when happily ever after ends, you learn to pick yourself up. For a while, it’s simply pretending until one day, the ache you feel every morning isn’t there anymore. I was terrified all these years about the twinge of pain I expected to feel.”

I lifted my eyes to find his own staring back at me. His face was pensive. “I guess it is somewhat a relief to know I can be around you.” I forced out a laugh.

The last time we were together without lawyers present or children involved, we were two broken individuals trying to find solace through anything we could. I turned to the girls and he to his work.

We skirted around each other. We were tentative and anxious because we both feared what we would say when forced to confront the situation, what truths would be revealed about our relationship.

Then again that wasn’t really when we last crossed paths intentionally without our children present. I forced myself not to dwell on that night. Those memories were best left tucked in a locked box. We didn’t need to dredge up ancient history.

His face drawn and there was something off. “Claire, ye ken it was never my intention to leave you such as I did. We said many hurtful things that ordinarily we wouldn’t have if we weren’t struggling as we were.”

My thoughts drifted to a time left unspoken about. “Do ye still wonder…?” Tears filled my eyes and spilled onto my cheeks. “I know I do. I think about it every day how I left ye alone and-“

“Please,” my voice shook uncontrollably. “Please don’t do this. We’ve gone through this and there’s no use bringing it up again. We seriously fuc-fudged up and I don’t want to talk about it again.”

“But we must Claire, I canna have ye hatin’ me for the rest of our lives. I dinna think ye do, but I also don’t want yer pain to cause problems now.” My eyes moved to the sleeping figure in the bed. He still knew my heart and soul well enough to know how I processed information. “It seems a verra long time ago now, but really it’s been eight years. I guess I was like you in a way.” I snapped my head up at his words. “I didna want to ken about your life or how happy yer were. I mean I wanted ye happy, which is why I signed the papers. Ye deserved a happy and safe life where the burden of the past was forgotten.”

I wet my lips with the hope of interrupting him. “You think I hate you?” I was incredulous. There were many emotions I associated with him, but hate was taken off the table years ago. “I don’t hate you. I don’t blame you anymore either. The truth is I haven’t for a longtime. It would’ve happened with or without you. Some things aren’t meant for us. We can want them, but we can’t have them.”  
  


The problem with hate was that it wasn’t in fact the opposite of love. No, that was indifference, and indifference was something I never felt towards him. Hate implied there were strong emotions involved, underlying passion and anger. The issue was it was never nothing I felt for him, and that was too much for me to handle. 

His eyes sought mine and I read the emotion in them. I was something he wanted, but couldn’t have. Bree began to slowly move as sleep left her. I worried she overheard the conversation between us.

Her eyes opened as she blinked a few times to clear them. She took in our expressions and frowned. “What’s wrong?” Her eyes moved quickly to her sister, and she relaxed back into Jamie upon seeing Isla merely resting. “Why are you upset?”

“Mummy and daddy were talking. I promise sweetheart there’s nothing for you to worry about.” I used my soothing voice that usually put her troubles to rest.

Bree seemed in rare form today, and wasn’t going to allow us to escape easily from her questions. “Why were you crying then?” She turned her accusing eyes onto her father. “Did you make mommy sad?” I almost smiled at her protectiveness.

“Bree,” my voice snapped. “That is no way to talk to your father. Apologize to him.”

She pursed her pink little lips. Her freckles shone on her pale skin. “I’m sorry,” she grunted.

I sighed. “We were talking about some hard stuff. Nothing you need to worry about.” My eyes pleaded with her.

“What like Gabriel?” Jamie’s head swiveled in my direction and a new emotion crept into his steely gaze. “That always makes mom cry. She tells us to not worry about it.”

“Claire?” There was alarm in his voice.

I sighed. We were really going to talk about everything.


	8. There's No Way

**JPOV**

My eyes lingered on her as she quickly excused herself from the room following Bree’s statement. The tears overflowed and spilt onto her cheeks. She needed her privacy, and I attributed it to the English in her. She hated to be vulnerable in front of anyone and rarely showed her emotions when in company or publicly. She firmly believed in having a stiff upper lip.

She had an inner strength unlike anything I had seen before and am unlikely to encounter again. She carried herself with confidence and poise that she didn’t possess nine years ago. As a thirty-four year old woman, she had matured into the best version of herself. There wasn’t that uncertainty about who she was cloaking her.

The years had been good to her. She had a few lines around her mouth and eyes, which told me there was happiness in her life. It pleased me to know I hadn’t stolen all the laughter from her life. If anyone deserved to be happy, it was her. I put her through so much over the years, and I was a bit saddened to realize how much better off she was without me. She was thriving.

Her career was solid. The girls told me how the hospital relied on her, and how she was considering starting a private practice in a few years. They said she was being groomed for chief of cardio when the current chief finally retired. They loved her and I imagined she loved being there. I was envious of how medicine could consume her. She knew what she wanted from the beginning, while my dreams languished. I grew angry over the time she dedicated to her studies and all of the friends she was making.

Years ago when she first told me about her dreams and goals, I encouraged her to reach for the stars. She was bright, far brighter than I was and had boundless talent. She possessed a self-assurance, yet remained shy about accepting who she was. By the time she applied to medical schools towards the end of uni, she had loads of offers. Several schools in the UK , France, and the States were practically begging her to attend. She had her sights set on Harvard from the beginning. She spent her life in England and France and wanted a chance to explore somewhere new, where no one knew her.

I didn’t mind following her at first. I applied for Master’s programs in all the areas she had. Boston University was far from a bad school and it had the program I desired. I dropped out of my program and entered the workforce when our circumstances changed. We couldn’t raise a child on two minimum wage jobs, while also completing our studies. We didn’t have a support system in place to assist us, so we knew we would have to pay for childcare. There was the matter of health benefits as the health system was very different.

At first, I hadn’t minded. I would go back and finish my degree when things were more settled. It was after Brianna when I grew embittered about how it was all turning out. I withdrew from Claire as she further enmeshed herself in her medicinal studies. It was easy to find new things to nitpick and get disgruntled about. Then there was Britney, and it all fell apart from there.

I sighed thinking about all the decisions and little moments that lead us to here. I thought we would reunite under better circumstances, not a tragedy. I didn’t want to be responsible for Claire suffering another loss.

Bree and I moved into the family room on the floor to allow Isla to rest easier. She was a little high on painkillers. Bree settled herself comfortably on my lap. I knew she was exhausted by her fatigued movements and her silence. Bree was a chatterbox. I ran my fingers through her silky curls and she sighed sleepily. “Daddy, why was mom upset? Why did she leave after I mentioned Gabriel?” I knew Claire shared the story of Gabriel with Isla and Bree, but I wasn’t aware of all they knew about the situation. It was never something I addressed with them. I tried not to dwell on it unless I wanted to fall into an endless abyss of emotion. “I don’t understand why she’s so sad.”

A part of me wanted to wrap her up tight and never let go to prevent her from feeling life’s disappointments. While I never wanted her to know what it was to lose someone whether that be a relative or friend, I knew the day would come eventually. With luck, she would never lose a child, but she would know loss and come to understand some of what her mother and I went through in the past.

I glanced down to find her eyes fluttering, fighting off her body’s natural inclination to rest after a stressful couple of days. “It’s something i never want you to understand and hope you don’t. It’s complicated and not for children to comprehend.” She answered with a soft snore.

As she rested, my mind drifted to that last day in Boston. I had gone over Claire’s house to say goodbye to the girls and pack up the remainder of my belongings.

_November 29, 2009_

_I took my time on the stairs, slowing my progress to avoid the inevitable. The ink on the papers was dry, and our petition for divorce had been approved by the judge. Tomorrow would mark thirty days since our court proceedings and the temporary judgment would be entered. It was still another three months until everything was permanent, but officially for all intents and purposes we were no longer a married couple._

_We would both have to go through the Catholic church for an annulment. I knew she respected her beliefs, and wouldn’t want to be considered in bad standing with the church._

_She also wouldn’t want it to affect our daughters either. It wasn’t entirely uncommon amongst Catholics to get a divorce, but many people in the Church never openly addressed the action. It was still frowned upon with many devout Catholics including my sister. An annulment essentially meant our marriage wouldn’t be acknowledged by the church, almost saying we were never together. It was depressing to think about._

_My feet carried me to the door and I resisted the urge to use my key like I had in the past. It was no longer my apartment and we didn’t have that sort of relationship any longer. I raised my fist and inhaled a deep breath before knocking. I was steeling myself for what came next._

_I could hear her in the apartment. It was easy to distinguish the sound of everyone’s footfalls. Isla’s were usually quick and heavy. Claire’s were light and sluggish. Bree’s were clumsy and she usually fell on her bottom with a giggle._

_The door opened and there she was. Her hair was pulled up into a knot. She wore an old Oxford sweatshirt and jeans. Her soulful brown eyes were tired and devastated. I knew the situation was hard on her, yet there was nothing I could do to lessen the pain for either of us. I tried to give her everything I thought she wanted. I wasn’t sure if I ever had. I failed her in many ways, and there wasn’t much I could do to rectify it now. She disappointed and frustrated me. We were ill matched and a touch too young and naive. Our idealism got the better of us, and here was the end result, our failed marriage._

_She gestured for me to enter the residence and I slid past her, afraid she would bar me from entering. I avoided touching her at any cost. There was a chill. I was positive it was her. “I’ll be in the living room while you…” she waved her hands around, words failing her._

_I nodded curtly and set to work packing up my belongings. There wasn’t much I had left to pack. I had two boxes with me that would be sent off to Scotland before my departure from Boston tomorrow. I had sent off most of my things gradually._

_I didn’t look back at her. I was afraid of what I would see if I stared too long._

_Isla was in her room, playing with her dolls. She flashed a smile at me when she heard me enter. Her teeth were tiny and sharp, and I had been on the wrong end of them a few times. “Daddy!!!” She screeched as she ran at me. Her pigtails swinging behind her in little twirls. Her little bows were lopsided in typical Isla fashion._

_She grabbed onto my leg and I carried her with me. “Sweetheart,” my eyes filled with tears as I prepared my goodbye. It was harder than I thought it would be. It was the first Christmas we would spend apart. It would be the longest we wouldn’t see each other. Money was tight until I found a new job, and I couldn’t regularly fly to Boston to visit them. “Daddy is going to be leaving.”_

_Her head tilted curiously. “Where you goin’?” Her dark blue eyes stared into my own. She was puzzled. She didn’t understand what made this trip different than the one’s I had taken for work._

_“Well,” I licked my lips. “You, mommy, and Bree live here.” She nodded slowly. She knew that. It took her a bit to understand I no longer lived with them, and why she came to stay with me at the apartment I was renting. “I used to live here too.” Again she nodded her head with narrowed eyes. She was quite precocious for her age. “Mommy and I aren’t together anymore, you know like married like Ariel and Eric. I’m going to move back to Scotland where Aunt Jenny lives. It’s really far away.” I knew she didn’t understand the concept of distance, but she knew her aunt couldn’t visit all the time._

_Her lower lip trembled. “I not see you?” She threw her tiny arms around me and wailed into my neck. I held her close to me for several moments and rubbed her back as I attempted to soothe her. Her body shook with the force of her sobs._

_“Shhh… it’s okay. I promise you’ll see me.” I couldn’t promise how frequently it would be, but I wasn’t going to just leave her. “You are going to be here with mommy and yer sister. We can talk on the phone and computer until we see each other again. Will ye do something for me?”_

_Her eyes peered into mine, so trusting. “Can you look after mommy? She’s going to need you.” She didn’t need me, I thought bitterly to myself. “She will need your help with yer wee sister.” It had taken time before she warmed up to the idea of her younger sister. She would call Bree ‘my baby’ to anyone who asked._

_“I make her smile. Don’t worry Daddy.” She told me with such confidence, I struggled to believe she was three years old. “I look after Bee Bee. No be sad, ‘kay?"_

_I kissed her head and she kissed my lips. “I’ll miss you.” A few tears fell from her eyes._

_I brushed them away with my thumb, my whole hand cupping her face. It was tiny. I wondered how much she would grow in my absence. It seemed as if she was a wee bairn yesterday, and then all I did was blink and she transformed into a toddler._

_The situation was easier to explain to her when she barely had a concept of things like marriage and divorce. She understood that Eric and Ariel from_ _The Little Mermaid_ _were married. If she had been older, I knew it would’ve been far more complicated to explain what happened between her parents as kids wanted to know the whys. At the moment, she was accepting of the changes in her life. It helped I hadn’t lived with them since mid-July._

_I left her to play with her dolls, but she was a little less shiny and enthusiastic. She kept frowning at them. I wasn’t going to make our goodbye harder because she was hurting too._

_Once I moved to the bedroom, it didn’t take long for me to finish my original task. I had a few clothes and some books._

_After taping up the boxes, I set them down in the living room. It was time for me to say goodbye to sweet Bree. She sat in her crib playing and talking to herself. She was such an easy baby except for those first few months with colic. Her eyes sparkled when she noticed me in the doorway. She held her arms up for me to pick her up and I did._

_“Da,” she patted my face with her small hands. I kissed each little finger. She giggled merrily, enjoying my attention. “Da dada,” she babbled happily in her sweet baby voice. She loved to talk even though most of it was nonsensical._

_I sat with her in the glider. She laid her head against my heart. Her hand beat out a rhythm. I was going to miss all of her milestones. She was walking and had a few words in her vocabulary. She knew some sign language, but I would miss her first sentence, first day of pre-school, but there was no going back. I knew I couldn’t remain in Claire’s vicinity. There were too many conflicting emotions and I didn’t know what would express itself at any given moment. Did I love her? Yes. Was that enough? I thought it was. I was tired. We hashed out every little thing and it got right nasty between us. I didn’t understand how I could want to throttle someone one minute and then desire to make love the next. It was confusing and I needed to get away to sort out my head._

_I was also aware my presence pained Claire, and I wouldn’t be responsible for causing her anymore harm. We’d done enough of that these last six months._

_Besides our children, there wasn’t much keeping me in America. My job had quickly become my least favorite place to be, and I was looking forward to returning to Scotland. The highlands called to me, or maybe it was the coward in me looking for the easy escape. It was effortless to run away if there was somewhere to run away to._

_“I’m going to miss ye Bree.” She sighed softly as she snuggled closer. She was a cuddler. “I hope ye will be good for yer mam. She’s a wonderful woman. I want ye to ken that about her. I know it’ll sometimes seem as if she’s being unfair, but it’s only her loving ye.” I knew it was the absolute truth._

_A few tears escaped my eyes, but I didn’t wipe them away. I continued rocking and stroking her fine baby hair. Her breathing slowed and I knew she was asleep. I felt her tiny snores against my chest. I sat with her a little longer, savoring these last moments, before settling her in her crib. She barely moved as I stroked her hair one last time._

_My last goodbye was for Claire._

_I cleared my throat to alert her to my presence. She stood up to face me with an unreadable expression. “I-“_

_“I-“ we both closed our mouths. She gestured for me to talk. “Claire, I know this isn’t what you expected all these years ago. Neither did I, truth be told.” Her face was still. “I promised better to ye, and I failed in that. We both screwed up. I can only say I’m sorry for my part in all of this. I want ye to be happy, and if this is the way…” I shrugged in defeat._

_Her mouth opened and closed as she composed herself. “Jamie, don’t be a stranger. The girls will be gutted if you don’t call. I promise I’ll send them to you in the summer, although it might be too soon next summer to send Bree. We will work something out. I want you to be happy too. We seem to only know how to make each other miserable. I’m sorry too.” Her eyes were tender and warm, and her sincerity rang true._

_She reached out a hand, which I quickly grasped. I pulled her to me and we held each other. Her warm tears dampened my shirt, but I stayed silent. Her face tilted up as I looked down, and we shared a parting kiss._

_Her lips brushed softly against my own. I tasted the goodbye, the finality of our relationship, of everything. This was it. All we shared in the end was two little girls and a history of almost ten years. I relished each second of the kiss and found heaven and hell all over again. My hands cupped her cheeks as we both cried. Our foreheads briefly touched before we pulled ourselves apart. I didn’t want to linger at that._

_Her smoky eyes glistened with tears, and I would never forget the expression on her face. It was a mix of regret, sorrow, and something I couldn’t quite place. All I knew was that it was the end._

_We shared a parting glance before I gathered my boxes and left. “Have a safe flight Jamie,” she breathed softly. Her voice quivered, but I chose not to look back. If I did, I would never leave. “Call when you get there, Isla will want to talk.”_

Bree continued to sleep and I stroked her hair. It reminded me of the moment we shared before I left. The curls were shorter and lighter when she was younger. She was more of a strawberry blonde at birth than a full ginger. Now she was an actual person with complex thoughts, opinions, and emotions; she could say more than ma, da, la, dog.She could walk without falling on her butt. She had all of her teeth. She wasn’t an infant, but a child nearing puberty.

It was strange what time did to us. Claire and I rarely spent time together as an unspoken rule. We never wanted to make things awkward as we hadn’t fully worked out our own issues. It was done in increments. We had to remain cordial to provide an example for our children. Mostly, it was never much of an issue unless it was an emergency with one of our kids.

If anything, Claire was a stronger woman after all these years, and it happened without me there to witness it. She didn’t need a man to take care of her or love her, well there was Peter. She managed to turn something that could destroy some people and turned it into motivation to move forward with her life. I wasn’t sure how she did it. For the first few months after I returned, I barely managed to crawl out of bed without proper incentive (Jenny). The depression was overwhelming. I slept and cried nearly all the time. 

I found myself listless without any purpose. The girls’ phone calls were the one bright spot in my week. During that time, it was harder to arrange regular calls because of the time difference, Claire’s job and school, and given that Isla and Bree spent several hours of their day in daycare. When her mother moved to assist them, she worked as a private nurse in the morning and wasn’t able to grab them until late afternoon. Most of our calls occurred during the weekend as a result.

What I didn’t know then was that Claire did come into money after her twenty-sixth birthday. It occurred after the divorce settlement was discussed and was a contributing factor to why she refused any alimony. I was aware of its’ existence, but hadn’t thought much about it when we decided to go ahead with the divorce. Her father’s family had some massive business in France and Claire inherited her part of his estate along with his shares in the company on top of the money previously set aside for her long becoreIt was a hefty sum, which she used to buy a house.

I sent money regularly after I got a job in my uncle’s importing business. It was a few years later when things became more settled for me financially. I started a business with some relatives, and I was able to send more money. I helped pay for my daughters’ schooling.

It was some time after my first Hogmanay after moving home when Jenny took me to speak to someone. Dr. Clarkson was the saving grace I needed in my life. She listened to me for the first several sessions without pressuring me to talk about anything specific. She saved me after I hit my lowest point. It started when she prescribed anti-depressants. I was diagnosed with depression. I didn’t immediately feel a difference, but I noticed after a few weeks that my thoughts were lighter. I no longer felt as if I were drowning all the time.

She became my friend, but that came after she no longer treated me. It would’ve been a conflict of interest and she was all about ethics. She recommended a colleague of hers for me to talk with afterwards.

She put a lot of things in perspective for me in regards to my relationship with Claire.

Mary told me hindsight wasn’t a privilege we had until after an event occurred. Claire and I were drowning in our own problems separately, which then affected our marriage. Communication ceased between us as we allowed the outside into our relationship. Talking became yelling, and leaving became the norm. In the moment, I was unable to evaluate my actions. I hadn’t considered what talking to Britney would cause Claire to assume about interactions with her. The worst part was the realization that I had emotionally cheated on her, which hurt more than physical cheating.

I was ashamed at how I treated her like a jealous harpy and refused to consider her point of view. While I was working, she attended school and was raising our two children, while I neglected my duties. Mary was quick to inform me not to pin all of the blame on myself as a relationship involves two people and sometimes they fall apart. It was what a person did in the aftermath that defined them as a person. A person had to be willing to build themselves back up and understand that not everything is going to happen the way they wanted. I had to learn how to let go of the things I couldn’t control and focus on the things I could.

I vowed to be a better brother, father, friend, and partner in the future. I wanted to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them again.

I leaned my head back against the wall as my thoughts drifted around. Seeing Claire again brought my battered heart stuttering back to life. There were some unresolved, residual feelings, but neither of us were in a place where it was a good idea to act on them.

The problem was I knew she didn’t want me and I had moved forward in my own life. She was here for our daughter and would be gone in a flash when Isla was well enough. It was the reality of our situation.

The doctors told Claire to wait as long as possible before returning to allow the swelling to go down. There were a lot of risks involved in air travel, and they needed the documentation about the metal in Isla’s leg to fly.

Claire was planning to take her home as soon as she was discharged, leaving Bree here for the remainder of the eight weeks I had left with them. I understood her reasoning for not wanting Isla to stay here. Isla needed time to adjust to her new situation and to build a routine here only for it to be disrupted upon returning home wasn’t beneficial. She required stability, and if she stayed here she wouldn’t receive that.

I hid my disappointment. There was no room for it. This had to be about Isla’s overall well-being.

I rubbed my face. I sensed someone watching me and glanced down to find a replica of my own eyes staring up at me. “Do you have a new girlfriend after Ally? I know Isla sort of you know… messed it up when she said all that stuff at Hogmanay.”

I sputtered incoherently to find a response. “Wh-wh-what?” I asked her stupidly.

“Well mom has Peter, and I don’t want you to be alone forever. I think they’re going to get married.” I kept my face neutral at the revelation as I was unaware of how serious the relationship had become. Then again, they had dated for years. What could I expect?

“They are?”

Bree nodded, confusion in her eyes. “What’s wrong?” I cursed myself for showing too much interest on the subject. Claire was free to marry whoever she wanted. It wouldn’t affect me, but I was leery and hesitant about what it meant for our children. “Is it because I told you about mommy and Peter are probably gonna get married?”

“No, it’s not.” I played with the ends of her hair, avoiding her state. “Your mother is allowed to get married without my approval. We aren’t married anymore even in the eyes of the Catholic church.” She nodded her head. “I guess it’s strange to think that I won’t be her only husband. I do date. I was thinking about introducing you and Isla, but it didn’t exactly go well last time.”

“I guess that’s okay. Do you like like her? Is it Ally?”

I snorted. “Is that what they’re saying these days?”

“I don’t know about everyone, but that’s what my friends and I say. There’s liking someone and there’s like liking someone.”

“Weel, I really do like her. It is Ally. We had to talk a bit after what happened. She was hurt about what yer sister said.”

“Do you love her like you did mommy?”

I hesitated. While I did possess deep feelings for Ally, we weren’t at a stage in our relationship at least on my side where I considered furthering it. I didn’t know what it would mean to be in love with someone else. I wasn’t ready. “If I did love her, it wouldn’t be exactly the same. How you love someone is different for each person you love.”

She didn’t understand. “Okay well do you love your mom and sister the same? Or Peter and Joe?” She shook her head. “That’s how it is even if you’re in love. It’s different and unexpected. You can’t feel for someone else what you felt for another person. All relationships are unique.”

“I suppose so. Can we go back in Isla’s room?”

That was that as far as she was concerned until she slid Peter into conversation with her sister when she awoke.

“Peter is nice enough.” Isla said. “He and mom have been dating for a few years. Maybe they will get married.” Claire hadn’t mentioned how serious it was. Was she engaged? Is that why Isla and Bree kept mentioning it? Did they want to soften me to the idea? “He’s okay. He does love mom and I guess she could do worse..” She admitted begrudgingly.

I sent her a sharp glare.

“I understand it’s hard. You don’t want it to seem as if you’re replacing me if you enjoy spending time with him. A part of you also imagines this fairytale where yer mam and I reunite. It’s okay to love someone else. I’m still yer dad.”

Isla pressed her lips together to refrain from commenting. It meant she held strong opinions about what I said. It struck a chord with her.

“Doesn’t it make you mad or sad?”

“No Bree, I dinna mind if someone else loves my children.” Was I jealous about the amount of time he would get to spend with them? Yes. It wasn’t within my ability at the moment to pack up and move. There were logistics to consider and paperwork to file. “It’s hard growing up. You don’t want anything to change, but change is a part of life. It happens whether we want it to or not.”

Isla frowned. “Dad, you haven’t been serious with someone. I mean yeah there’s what’s her name, but you and mom could be happy. You have great chemistry and you’ve got kids together.”

I didn’t realize how fervently Isla was holding onto the fairytale she concocted. “Isla, would ye want to be with someone who makes you happy, sad, or mad?”

“Happy, duh!”

“Watch yer mouth. There’s no need for the cheek.” She rolled her eyes. “Would you stay with someone who made you sad or angry?”

“Of course not,” she held back on the snottiness, but some of it spilled out. I was letting her behavior slide for the time being given her current state. She was agitated and I didn’t blame her. She hated hospitals.

“Do ye think people should stay married if they aren’t happy but have children?”

She turned her head to avoid answering. I knew what she would say and so did she.

“Well don’t you and mom love each other? How can you forget about all of those years together?”

“She did, we did, but it was a long time ago. It could never work now. I live here, and you guys live in Boston.” I pointed out to her. “I haven’t forgotten about our time together, but I have to be realistic about my expectations. While I don’t talk about our marriage or when we were dating doesn’t mean I don’t keep them close. It was a special time in my life. She was my first love, and you never forget that.”

“I guess so.” I didn’t know how to convince her if she refused to see reason. “Are you sure? I mean can’t you move to Boston? You could figure it out.”

Pulling out my teeth was less painful than this conversation. Isla held tightly to her dreams, and while I never wanted to discourage that, it wasn’t right to give her false hope. “Isla, it could be ages before I could get a visa to move over to the States. I ken this is no’ what ye want to hear, but you can’t always get what you want in life. This is something your mam and I decided.”

“That’s not fair. It doesn’t only affect you. Why does it have to be absolute?”

“Isla, what’s not fair is you continuing to bring this up when it’s been settled for years. Ye’re refusing to listen to me because what I’m saying to you upsets you.”

She wiped away her tears. “But you’re not listening to me. You and mom could be so happy. Like yeah it didn’t work forever ago, but there was Gabriel and other grown up stuff happening. You haven’t talked about, not really. It does upset me because I know you would be happy together.”

“How? You’ve barely seen us interact with each other. You don’t know what we want in another person. This is about what you want.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“It’s selfish.”

Her mouth dropped open and then snapped shut as she glared at me. “Yeah, well so are you and mom. You were selfish for divorcing and forcing us into this crap life. I think you really moved here so you could avoid your responsibilities. Maybe we are better off with you here.”

“Watch yer mouth, or ye will no’ like the consequences.”

“Whatever,” she muttered and turned away from me.

Bree’s eyes darted to her lap as she tried to slink into her chair. The conversation hadn’t gone the way she would’ve preferred and turned into a disagreement instead. She wisely removed herself from it.

I knew they were unhappy when they chose to remain silent and ignore me. I wasn’t going to give into them on this. I and their mother had the freedom of choice, and I didn’t have to justify that to them. Claire had chosen someone else to spend her life with, and it was unfair of them to use that against me.

I needed the time to gather my own thoughts. Until she showed up in my life, I was convinced the feelings on my end were more of a platonic nature. She was the mother of my children, yet there was this increasing awareness that I had never stopped loving her. However, I refused to act on it. I wouldn’t screw up her life.

I saw bits and pieces of the woman she was, but there were unfamiliar facets of her too. She wasn’t the grief-stricken woman who couldn’t stand the sight of me.

I never considered that she and Peter were at a place where the next step was to further their relationship in matrimony. It had been nearly ten years, and there was no reason for her to live as a nun. I wasn’t celibate and had been in two relationships with only one lasting past six months. It wasn’t fair if I judged her for not sharing with me how things with Peter were progressing. It was more than I would ever want to know anyway.

I spent so much time wallowing in misery and then accepting fate. I wasted my chance with her. When I realized what I wanted, it was only for me to discover she had someone in her life. He didn’t seem to mind she came with children and understood the doctor side of her. Peter wasn’t awful. I had spoken to him on the phone a time or two, but I still wanted to dislike him.

Claire was likely eager to get back to him. Peter was the current owner of her heart, and I didn’t think anything ever hurt my heart more than that. The cracks were there and they were deep. I ached for her, but the sentiment wasn’t returned. I didn’t expect her too either because she was a beautiful woman with an amazing capacity to love. She would disagree, but I knew.

She was young, only thirty-four. She shouldn’t have to spend her life alone because of my inadequacies. A woman like her deserved the best.

A thought occurred to me. “Bree?” Her eyes rose to meet mine. “Why did ye mention Gabriel earlier?”

A little divot appeared between her brows. “Well when mommy and grandma are having adult conversations, it’s usually about you, Gabriel, Peter, her job, or some other boring grown up stuff.”

I sighed. “Well what do they say about Gabriel?

“I don’t know. Mom never lets us hear them talk. It’s hushed or she closes the door. I think nana just wants to make sure she doesn’t get super sad again. You think about him too, don’t you?”

“Yes,” I answered. When she realized she wasn’t going to get anymore information out of me, she dug into her bag for iPad. It was amazing how quickly she became absorbed in the wee device. I wondered how Claire dealt with it. There must be some sort of limit.

I relaxed my head against the back of my chair. There were too many thoughts in my brain.

A hand gently shook my shoulder, and my eyes flashed open to an eye full of Claire. My eyes darted to her cleavage causing me to swallow painfully. I don’t think she noticed as her eyes were focused on Bree. “I think Isla wants to talk.” Her smile was warm and reached her eyes.

She went over to Bree whose iPad was in danger of slipping out of her grasp.

I turned my head and watched as she held our daughter close. Although I could’ve sworn her eyes moved in my direction. I wanted to confront her about Peter, but it wasn’t the time. Our priority was the recovery of our child. Truth be told, I had no right to ask her about her private life unless it was in relation to Isla and Bree. If I asked, I knew it would’ve been for my own personal knowledge.

She and Bree decided to go get food. “I’ll leave the two of you.” She sent Isla a look. Isla smiled guiltily. “We were going to get out of the hospital for a bit. I think she could use some fresh air. Before you ask again, no I will not bring you outside food. The doctor hasn’t approved it. When it does happen, I’ll be the first to bring you a cheeseburger.”

“Fine,” Isla grumbled.

I snickered. It wasn’t just me. Isla really was just getting to that age.

“Did you want anything? We can order something for you?”

I wasn’t particularly hungry. “No, I’m fine.”

“If you do get hungry before we come back, text me.” I nodded. She and Bree left with Bree leaning into her mother.

“So, I suppose we should talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally have my plot completely outlined and know exactly what I'm doing. Some of the reveals/events will be moved out of their original order as it works better for the flow.  
> Okay, so I need some show recs. I've been rewatching a lot of shows as I've run out of things. So if any of you have any shows you absolutely adore, please let me know down below or dm me on Tumblr.


	9. All This Time

CPOV

I hoped to continue avoiding him or limiting my time around him, but he trapped me in the chapel. I was praying. I knew god heard my prayers. It took a long time for me to accept that god had a plan and it wasn’t always in accordance with my own.

I wasn’t surprised he discovered my hiding place. Whenever I was worried or stressed, I turned towards God. He did too. There was a time I had turned my back, and he had at one time as well.

“I was wonderin’ if I would find ye here,” he said softly, sitting beside me on the pew.

I remained silent. “Claire,” he grabbed my hand. “It shouldna be this hard to communicate with you, but then again, there were all those months where we talked but never listened.”

Tears burned my eyes. “Please not here,” I pleaded with him. I didn’t want to discuss it while we were in a hospital. This time was for our daughter.

“When then? We almost lost Isla.” He choked back a sob and buried his face in his hands. I instantly missed the warmth from his touch. “She could’ve died. We would’ve lost another one.”

I gingerly rubbed his back as his emotions caught up to him. “She’s perfectly alright. The doctors believe she’ll make an amazing recovery. She’s strong. She gets it from you.” He fell into my embrace, and I held him.

His sense of guilt was undeniable. I hadn’t helped. I came in with a fierce and unapproachable body language. “Jamie, I owe you an apology.”

He pulled back and began stuttering. I covered his mouth with my fingers. “No please, let me say this. I spent a year hating you, absolutely despising everything about you. But then, when I grew tired from all of my negative feelings, I had to figure out a way to reign them in as they were getting the best of me. It wasn’t productive, and I was unable to compartmentalize how I felt about you.” I was ashamed in all honesty. “You didn’t deserve how I treated you, and you certainly weren’t at fault for what happened.”

His eyes swirled with a million emotions. “I didna understand.” Confusion was prominent.

I sighed and adjusted myself on the pew. “The miscarriage while the stress from our marriage certainly wasn’t conducive, I was going to lose the baby regardless of anything you think you had done. It isn’t always clear why it happens. My doctor said I would still be able to bear children, and there was no indication it would happen again.” I lowered my eyes guiltily. “For me, I needed someone to direct my anger at. I already blamed myself for what happened, and then you weren’t there.” Tears spilled onto my cheeks, and before I had a chance to brush them away, his thumbs were. “You were with her.” I choked out.

It was hard to admit all these years later that there was someone else in our marriage whether Jamie wanted to acknowledge it or not. While he was clear that they’d never done anything more than her kissing him and he returning it for all five seconds, he shared private things about our marriage with her. I was alone when it all happened while he was away at a conference with her, and it was difficult to separate my feelings surrounding it. They were compacted.

I leaned into his touch, still not meeting his gaze. “Tell me about it, please Claire.”

I never shared with him the full detailed explanation of what happened that day. I attempted to move on, and I brushed him off every time he attempted to address the topic. I thought if I could bury it underneath all of our other issues, I could make the problem disappear.

_June 2009_

_I groaned in frustration. My exams were two weeks ago, and I was inadequately prepared. The semester had been hard on me with the new baby and the surprise pregnancy. Somehow I had managed to pull off decent marks. I didn’t know if I would be able to continue my studies with three children under five. I could re-enroll when I was ready to resume, but there was uncertainty as to when that would be. I was on a student visa and there would complications with establishing residency. It would be an entire mess to sort out._

_While I would never classify either of my daughters as a mistake, they were surprises. We had planned on having children later on after I finished medical school. It seemed to be the ideal time. Life rarely ever went according to plan and we discovered that we would have to make some adjustments._

_Then something unexpected occurred. I was afraid to tell Jamie because barely two months after Bree, I found out I was pregnant for the third time. We weren’t as careful as we should’ve been, but I wasn’t expecting to have the test read positive. We had been exuberant in our celebrating of the holidays, especially since I was given the all clear by my doctor to resume sexual activities._

_Now here I was in my fifth nearly sixth month of pregnancy for the third time. I wasn’t pleased by the timing, and Jamie wasn’t either. There wasn’t any time between this pregnancy and the last. Irish twins were not in the plans._

_His work required him to spend a lot of hours at the office. He was an asset to his team. He was sent out abroad a few times to negotiate deals particularly given his multi-lingual abilities, and two days ago we had a fight about him attending a conference with his work colleague Britney. I told him she had her sights set on him, and he refused to believe me. He defended her like she was bloody Mother Theresa. It was aggravating as I was trying not to come off as the jealous wife who didn’t trust her husband._

_He said, “Claire, yer bein’ absolutely ridiculous. She doesn’t see me in that way. We just work on a lot of projects together. It isn’t anything for you to be worried about. We are friends.”_

_I snorted derisively. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me Jamie. You can’t possibly be that naïve. I mean shit! How many times has she requested your help in the last few months? She even rings on the weekend. You go to your little work lunches and dinners together. She’s been on a few of those trips you’ve taken. I’ve seen how she looks at you.”I refused to budge from my position on the subject. I was right. Jamie was blind and wanted to see the best in people. He trusted too easily._

_“Are ye jealous of her? Is that the problem Claire? Am I not spending enough time with ye?” His face was red and his chest heaved with the force of his breaths. “Ye’re basing this off speculation. Has she outright told ye her feelings about me? Maybe ye’ve gone barmy with all yer wee hormones, but she doesn’t feel that way for me.”_

_I brushed away the tears. It was not the time to be hormonal. His constant dismissal of my legitimate worries bothered me. I tried to take his concerns seriously, especially after he voiced his insecurities regarding Joe. I limited my time around him, and tried to include Jamie more often in our conversations. I didn’t take it personally as he had._

_“How can you not to see it?” I was baffled at his obtuseness. Every time I saw her with him when I brought Isla and Bree to the office, her eyes were narrowed into slants at the sight of us. She glared at me and doted over the girls. She made snide remarks about how I kept getting pregnant. She only did it when Jamie wasn’t within hearing range. She accused me of trying to trap him._

_I walked in on her two months ago, massaging his shoulders with adoration in her eyes. He claimed innocence and I believed him. It was her I didn’t trust. She was a slag the way she constantly draped herself over a married man. It was as if she didn’t have any morals. Britney wasn’t bothered by his marital status. “If you can’t see it then why do I bother?” I threw up my arms angrily._

_“I work to provide for you and the girls. Britney is a work colleague and nothing more. Do ye not trust me to remain faithful?” By my lack of reply, he assumed I didn’t._

_“Oh come off it. This has nothing to do with you and absolutely everything to do with her.”_

_“No this is you being paranoid and rowing unnecessarily with me. What do I have to do to get ye to trust me and her?”_

_I threw up my arms, frustrated by his constant turn around. He was aggravating. Somehow if I didn’t trust her, it was me not trusting him. I wasn’t certain how he correlated the two. They were separate issues._

_Before I could retort, he snatched his suitcase and stormed out of the apartment. “You’re being a child.” I yelled as he closed the door._

_I had more of an issue with her. She picked Jamie knowing we were having difficulties in our marriage. Jamie practically broadcasted our problems to the entire world. She knew he was an easy target. She all but admitted she was attracted to him. The only one who stubbornly dug his head in the sand was Jamie. He wouldn’t see reason._

_I was quite irritated with him, but I was also extremely horny. The hormones were taking over my body and sometimes arguing with Jamie heightened my libido. Regardless, the cow he worked with had ulterior motives. She advertised it enough, and her blouses were a bit too low to be appropriate. I felt undesirable compared to her as I hadn’t had the opportunity to get my body back before I was pregnant again. It was going to be a nightmare to work off two pregnancies._

_From the time I woke up that morning, I had experienced uncomfortable pains in my back. I wasn’t worried as I hadn’t seen any blood or felt any other symptoms. I had done research with my first pregnancy, and I had finished my third year of medical school._

_A sigh escaped me as my mind couldn’t focus on my book. I gave up for the day and crawled into bed. The girls were already asleep thanks to small blessings._

_It was hours later when I woke up to find blood everywhere. The pain in my back and abdomen was agony, and I stretched to reach my phone and dial 9-1-1. There was something seriously wrong. I was scared I had already lost him. I had lost consciousness as the pain increased._

_The beeping of medical equipment woke me from my uneasy sleep. The bed was uncomfortable, but my doctor requested I stay the night instead of AMA. Although, it was the option I preferred. I wanted to escape the confines of the hospital, one of the few places I was myself. All of the machines surrounding me reminded me of the reason why I was there. My baby died._

_It was in the darkness of the room, I noticed his prone figure. I could hear his soft snoring, and I hated him. I tried not to. Subconsciously, I understood it wasn’t his fault it happened, but he was there or should I say not there. He left me. I had to deliver a dead baby alone._

_Tears pricked at my eyes. I had cried endlessly when they explained what was happening. I didn’t want it to be real. It was only the previous week I heard his heartbeat. Last night, he kicked me. Today, he was gone._

_The pain came in intervals. I clutched the standard hospital pillow to my face and released my anguish into the starched sheet. There were short pauses as I attempted to recover my breath, but my grief was still under the surface. It burst forth like a dam, and I didn’t want to turn it off. I wanted to feel it all because it seemed to be the only real thing._

_I delayed the inevitable after the birth. I was traumatized and the doctors made the decision to sedate me. I was shut off from the agony of knowing my child never drew his first breath. He was dead before he left my body. My guilt crippled me as I had to have done something wrong for this to happen. Bad things should only happen to bad people. Logically, I knew there multiple reasons for a placental abruption, but I couldn’t allow myself to escape my sorrow and shame._

_It was slow at first when I came back to myself. My memories hadn’t caught up to me, and for that I was grateful. I expected the moment the birth came back to me as I screamed and pleaded for the doctors to do something to save my baby to hurt the most. Their apologetic eyes and faces full of pity and empathy meant nothing to me as they delivered my stillborn son. All I wanted was my baby, and they couldn’t do anything. My baby was gone. He never had a chance._

_I tried to scream into my pillow, but it was soundless. No sounds came forth. My throat was hoarse. My hands smacked the bed as my body shook uncontrollably with the force of my sobs._

_One day ago, I was expecting another child and now I would be burying the same child. I wanted to die. I desired my release from this life to be with my unnamed baby. My baby who never was given a chance. He was taken because I didn’t deserve him. I was selfish for blaming him for my current problems. It was never his fault. He was innocent like his sisters._

_His arms came around me. He tried to pull me into his embrace, but I resisted him. I didn’t want his comfort. I wanted nothing from him. My hands smacked against his arms as I screamed obscenities at him. “It’s all your fault, you fucking bastard.” I said over and over again as more tears poured from my eyes. My eyes burned with them. “Why?” I asked him. “How could you leave me?_

_I couldn’t make out his expression in the dark, but I didn’t want to. I couldn’t bear to see his heartbroken eyes and the apology that would follow. I didn’t want it from him. “Please leave,” I wanted to mourn on my own without him there. He didn’t have to hold a dead baby. To see the pallor of death on skin that never pinkened or eyes that would never open. The stillness of a baby who wouldn’t experience life._

_“Claire, please love let me hold you.” His voice was hoarse with his own tears as he begged me to let him in. “I’m so sorry.”_

_I tried to feel something, anything but I was hollow inside. I was empty. I didn’t have anything for him. “Please Jamie, give me this. If you love me, you’ll leave.” My lips trembled with each passing word as I forced myself not to cry. I knew my eyes were red and swollen, and my face all blotchy from the tears. I wanted the privacy to mourn. I couldn’t share it with him._

_His shoulders dropped in resignation. I felt his lips in my hair, but I sat there in a daze. I’m not sure I processed much of anything that followed._

_He took the hint and left. The moment I was alone, I turned my head back into my pillow and continued to cry. It was all I could do until I couldn’t cry._

_I hated God, Jamie, everyone. I didn’t know why I was being punished. My mother would tell me it was God testing me, but it seemed too cruel. My baby was gone, in another place without me._

_I cried for myself, for Isla, for Bree, for Jamie. I didn’t know what else I could do. It seemed the only way to empty out my emotions. I fell into a troubled sleep, and when I awoke my mother was there. Her eyes were sympathetic and understanding. While she never lost a child, she did lose a husband. She knew something about loss and how it can overwhelm you._

_“Oh Claire, my love,” her arms came around me in a tight embrace. She rocked me side to side as I buried my face in her neck. The tears fell in a flurry. “You’re going to get through this sweetheart. I know it seems hard now. Sometimes things happen we can’t explain.” I enjoyed the comfort of her arms. I took solace and strength from her presence. “It doesn’t mean you did anything to deserve it.” She knew me well._

_She stayed with me through most of the morning before excusing herself. I slept restlessly in her absence, but when she returned, she brought the balm to soothe my soul, my babies._

_Isla clutched her grandmother’s hand warily as Bree was her usual happy self. I opened my arms for her and my mother deposited her into them. Bree snuggled into my aching breasts. I knew what she wanted, but I was pumping and dumping. My mother placed the diaper bag on the bed._

_“I’ll be back in an hour for them.” She winked at me._

_Isla had climbed up to snuggle in the bed with me. “Mommy, you ‘kay?” Her sentence structure was developing quite nicely._

_I kissed her fiery head. “I’m much better now that you’re here.” I answered honestly. It was the truth. They were the best medicine a doctor could prescribe._

_Bree cuddled closer and I found myself feeling lighter for the first time since it happened. I was by no means over what happened. I just needed to focus on what I did have. “I wanted to tell you something Isla.” While she didn’t really understand what it meant for me to be pregnant, she did know she was going to have a sibling. Her eyes turned on me shining brightly with innocence and trust. “You know how mommy and daddy told you, you were going to have a new brother or sister?” She nodded her tiny head. “Well,” I inhaled sharply, the loss stung sharply. “I’m not going to have a baby anymore. The baby went to heaven.”_

_“Why?”_

_How did I explain to a toddler, sometimes people die for no reason. “God called him. He needed your brother there instead of here.” She accepted the answer easily enough._

_I knew one day I would need a better answer to explain what occurred for now I took solace in her never remembering._

_Bree dozed off as I fed her a bottle, her rosebud lips slackened around the nipple. I readjusted her limp body. Isla soon went down for a nap against my other side. I held their bodies tightly to my own and thanked god they were still with me._

_I wouldn’t ever be okay with what happened, but some of my guilt ebbed away. I had two perfectly healthy children. I had much to be grateful for, and I regretted wishing I was taken too. Remorse settled over me because I never wanted to give up watching my two babies grow up. It was selfish of me to think such a thing._

_Five Days Later_

_I stood at a grave staring at the tiniest coffin imaginable. It was unfathomable such a thing could exist or was necessary at all. Yet, I knew infants died._

_My mother took care of all the arrangements with help from Jamie and Jenny. I couldn’t have any involvement. It was too much, too painful._

_When the morning arrived, I wanted to stay in my bed and ignore the day ahead of me. Nothing was ever going to hurt me as much as burying my child. The tears subsided after the visit from Isla and Bree, but at night, I heard phantom cries. My hand drifted to my stomach where there were no kicks to be felt. The one thing I was thankful Jamie had done was to remove all of the items we purchased for our son._

_There was no evidence another child was expected to join the family by the time I was released from the hospital. It was more than fortunate it occurred after the semester semester ended as I had already sat my exams and received my final marks. There was no longer any need to worry about how I would handle next semester. I felt guilty for thinking about it._

_Many of my classmates signed a card with condolences and sent an arrangement of flowers. I appreciated the gesture, and I knew Joe was responsible._

_My professors had sent their own flowers. I was touched._

_My brother flew in two days before with his girlfriend. Her name was Elizabeth. She was actually quite lovely, and I found myself on more than one occasion wondering what she was doing with my brother._

_“Hey Claire,” he greeted me as he entered my bedroom._

_My eyes snapped to his and he was holding me instantly. “I can’t believe this happened.” He let me fall apart in his arms. While we had our differences, Tom was my first friend. Barely a year separated us in age. He was my best friend._

_We laid there in my bed as he told me about his job and other events in his life. We didn’t have much of an opportunity to chat often with both of our busy lives. “We’re getting quite serious. I’ve considered proposing.” He informed me much to my shock. It was hard to consider my baby brother as someone’s husband or being in a long term commitment. Tom was rarely serious about anything. “I had intended for you guys to meet under better circumstances than this.” His voice was soft, much softer than I thought Tom was capable of._

_I grimaced at the allusion. “I’m sure I’ll love her. I’ll make sure to tell her about all of your troublemaking ways and past flings.” We kept the conversation light, which was what I needed._

_It brought me to today. He waited patiently for me to get dressed. He tidied the pearls around my neck when I made no move to straighten them. He held my hand in the back of the car as we made our way to the cemetery. He was my rock._

_I was useless for the past several days. The girls spent a lot of time in my room, snuggling and watching television. I couldn’t bear to be parted from them. It gutted me when they were absent from sight, and I knew my family understood. At least, they hadn’t said anything about it. I did allow my grandparents to dote on them._

_Jenny was there, but Ian stayed back in Scotland. It was by far easier than arranging for their entire brood to come. I appreciated her presence as I knew Jamie needed someone to support him through this. It just couldn’t be me at the moment, or possibly ever._

_I hesitated the moment I caught a glance of the tiny casket. Tom held me close and I buried my face in his shoulder._

_My baby was in there about to be buried six feet below. He was going to be alone._

_I barely listened as the funeral began. My thoughts were somewhere else, and I knew it was perhaps for the best. What I wasn’t expecting was Jamie to stand in front of everyone._

_He smiled faintly, but I saw the suffering in his eyes. He was hurting as much as I was, but he was putting up a better mask. “I would like to share a poem.” He carefully composed himself as if knowing the tears threatening to break loose._

_“The world may never notice_

_If a rosebud doesn't bloom:_

_Or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon._

_But every life that ever forms,_

_Or ever comes to be Touches the World in some small way_

_For all eternity._

_The little ones we longed for_

_Were swiftly here and gone._

_the love that was then planted Is a light that still shines on._

_And though our arms are empty,_

_Our hearts know what to do_

_Every beating of my heart says "I Remember You" –Unknown”_

_I was deeply affected by his words because of the truth in them. Neither of us would forget Gabriel. While no one else in the world would miss him or notice his absence, we would for as long as we lived._

_Jenny escorted Jamie away as he began to sob. I ached to hold him in my arms, but another part of me held back. I was unable to speak. If I went up there, I would only breakdown and it wasn’t something I wanted to do in public._

_Many of the attendees left after paying their condolences. I received hugs and pats, but none of it registered to me. I didn’t feel the contact. My mother tried to get me to go with her and my grandparents, but I needed to stay. I had to watch them bury my son. Something compelled me to stay._

_It was sometime before he was in the ground with a fresh mound of dirt on top. I squeezed my eyes to prevent another onslaught of tears. It was a bit cold for late spring, and I hadn’t worn tights underneath my dress. I at least wore a light black coat, which I kept buttoned. The chilly air felt comforting against my skin. It was as if greeting a long lost friend and I welcomed it. I needed to feel something, anything besides grief and loss._

_The headstone wouldn’t be completed for a few weeks. We decided not to put any dates on it. It was the only decision I made in my days of madness. His name was Gabriel Thomas Fraser and he was the baby of our hearts._

_He was in his fifth month of gestation. While he wasn’t a fully developed baby, he looked like one. He had his organs and fingernails. He was a surprise. I was raised to believe all children were gifts from God and there were no mistakes._

_We weren’t as careful with protection as we should’ve been and he happened. He was loved from the moment I knew he was inside me._

_A hand touched my shoulder, and I looked into his glassy blue eyes. I knew mine were much the same. “Come on Claire, ye should be home.”_

_I allowed him to lead me away from our son. I glanced back at the fresh mound of dirt covering my baby. I couldn’t help but ask myself why some children had to die. Life seemed to deal the cruelest hands when you weren’t expecting it._

**Now**

He peered at me, sensing his curiosity I turned towards him. I raised an eyebrow, providing him the floor so to speak. He cleared his throat. “Do ye,” he made a gesture with his hands, “visit him often?”

I sank further into the pew as I considered my words. I didn’t need him to clarify his statement. “The girls and I go every year on his birthday or Christmas.” I made no mention of it being his death date as well. “We bring flowers, the girls sometimes write notes or draw pictures.” They put effort into what they wanted to tell him. They made wishes for him. He was still their little brother.

The two of them never considered him to be a baby, but someone who was growing with them. They knew he was in heaven, and imagined he aged like they did. Each year, their letters were longer as their thoughts and vocabulary expanded. “The first time we went as a family was probably the hardest. Isla was seven and Bree five. I hadn't told them about Gabriel before, so they didn't know where I went every year on his birthday. All they knew was they had a date with grandma in which she spoiled them rotten. I took them for the first time at Christmas because of something they said.”

The concept of death didn’t strike either of them until they were around seven. Isla’s second grade teacher died in a car accident in the second half of the school year. The school asked all the parents to sit down and have a conversation about it with their kids, and then they talked about it at a school assembly. Many of the students prayed for Mrs. Smith’s eternal spirit including Isla. I had heard the name mentioned more than a few times in her nighttime prayers.

For Bree, it was visiting the grave of her brother. If he had been born, her whole life would’ve been different. She could’ve bossed him around and teased him endlessly because it was an older sibling's prerogative to torture their younger sibling. They would’ve been about ten months apart in age.

The death hit Bree hard, and she didn’t talk for a week afterwards. Prior to that moment, she had never thought about her brother being an actual person. He was abstract, but a friend’s mother gave birth to a baby boy at the time. She became keenly aware of her own loss she hadn’t known she suffered. Her friend gushed over how cute her brother was and how she couldn’t wait until he was big enough to play with. Bree cried into my chest and I held her all night. We fell asleep holding one another. We talked about it and how she hadn’t known what she lost until her friend and her brother. She was envious for some time and refused for ages to visit her friend because of her new brother.

“The funeral is Isla’s earliest memory.” I informed him and watched the pain settle over him. I didn’t relish in it. There was a point where I would’ve. I lowered my gaze apologetically. “She told me about two years ago the first thing she could remember was being in a black dress at a cemetery. She remembered the tiny coffin. She doesn’t know the specifics or anything of that nature. I had to deal with her nightmares for months afterwards.” Flashes of screaming and sleepless nights invaded my memory.

Those were the nights where she shared my bed despite being nine years old. Her arms wrapped tightly around my torso as she drifted off to sleep. My own kept her close to my heart. I would awaken to find both girls in bed with me, not that I minded. I enjoyed the closeness we shared because I understood the gifts they truly were to me. While Gabriel was taken, God still gave me two perfectly healthy children who were my entire life.

I hadn’t shared the information with Jamie. In a way, it was too intimate. There were topics we strayed away from to keep the peace and space between us. While I was comfortable broaching almost any subject related to the girls, I couldn’t talk about Gabriel. The scars ran too deep. I sometimes thought if I had been able to have a conversation about our mutual loss, our marriage could’ve survived. Then again we had other issues than the miscarriage.

His absence was still a wound on my soul. There wasn’t a day that passed where I didn’t think of him at least once.

“I thought about visiting.” I snapped my gaze to him. I tried to hide my shock at his statement. “I couldn’t bring myself to come at first, but I’ve been once when Isla had appendicitis. I have many regrets about what happened.”

“It was hard the first time I made it out to the cemetery after everything. It was months before I could visit.” I swallowed. “I went by myself. It was around Christmas. It should’ve been his first one. I cried more than I care to admit. I had flowers for him.” I remembered the flowers on multiple graves and watching others come to visit their loved ones. “I sat there for hours before I started talking to him. I told him about his sisters. It was cathartic, and perhaps the first step in the healing process for me.”

He was silent as he contemplated my words. “I saw a therapist.” He admitted somewhat embarrassed.

“So did I,” I offered. “I wasn’t coping.”

We were both quiet. He reached over and held my hand in his as we prayed. I imagined we prayed for similar things, our son, our daughters, and ourselves.

We were by no means fixed, but there was a lightness in my heart at having shared one of the hardest moments of my life with him.

“Thank ye for telling me Claire,” he smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise if any of you commented on chapter 9. I accidentally deleted them as it turned out my WiFi screwed up resulting in chapter 8 being posted twice. 🤦♀️  
> I’ve decided to make this a priority for the time being so I can just get all the chapters edited and posted.  
> I hope you enjoyed this.


	10. Apologize

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people! Thanks for the great reception to the last two chapters. This one technically came from the original, but mostly I just wrote it. Enjoy!

**IPOV**

I glanced down at my lap, ashamed at what I said, but a part of me didn’t regret it. I wouldn’t include that in my apology. I wasn’t insane.

“La, that was mean.”

I glared at her. “I didn’t know I was going to say that. Why do you always take their side? You’re my sister.”

She crossed her arms with a huff. “That’s not fair. You’re the one who keeps pushing it. There’s nothing wrong with Peter. You like him. Mom and daddy aren’t getting back together.”

“What’s wrong with me wanting my parents back together?”

She sighed. “Nothing. It’s not the same for me. There aren’t lots of happy family photos after I was born. They look sad.”

 _Way to bring down the mood Bee._ “It isn’t about wanting them together.” She gave me a look. “Okay… so it’s the main thing, but don’t you want dad closer? We see him, what, three times a year if we’re lucky. My old friend Taylor sees her mom all the time and she lives in California. Maybe not all the time, but it’s more than we see him.” I flicked my thumb in my dad’s direction. “It isn’t fair. It’s always awkward at first. He talks about how big we’ve gotten and asks about school when he knows the answer, but he doesn’t know how to talk about the normal stuff.”

“You’re not the only one who misses him. Your baby book has way more pictures than mine. Your calendar was filled out by both mom and dad. I get sad too.”

We hadn’t talked about it much with one another. It never occurred to me it bothered her. She usually told me everything. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

I couldn’t read her face, but I had a feeling it was because of me. Bree was a good sister and tried her best to protect my feelings. We got into a scuffle with another kid when we were younger. A fifth grader was teasing me when I was in third grade. Bree’s class was walking past the playground at the time the girl pushed me over. She stomped over and bit the other girl. She ended up with a bruise on her face, and I hurt my ankle. While mom lectured us for like ever about not hitting or biting, Bree and I shared a secret smile. I knew she had my back. Besides, mom wasn’t that mad anyway. She was angrier at the principal and the other adults for allowing the situation to happen.

“I know how much you want it. You watch _The Parent Trap,_ both versions like all the time. You want that.” She wasn’t wrong about how often I watched. They were my favorite movies and made me realize how badly I wanted my parents to get back together. “It’s just sometimes I don’t know if you know it’s a movie.”

“I do. I know it doesn’t work like that in real life, but there are couples who were together forever ago who get back together. Why can’t that be them? It would be the best of both worlds. Dad would be closer, and they would be happy.”

“How do you know?” That stopped me short. “There’s Peter. I know you pretend you don’t like him when you really do. Do you want his feelings to get hurt? If mom and daddy got back together then she would have to break up with him.”

Peter wasn’t bad. I did enjoy spending time with him. We went hiking together, and he let me eat lots of ice cream after I got my tonsils removed. He went to all of my piano recitals and we played together. He was fun. It was easier at times to act as if I didn’t like him. I didn’t want my dad to think I was replacing him, especially if I talked about Peter all the time.

It would hurt his feelings since he rarely got time with his. I saw the ring on my mom’s finger. While she hadn’t said anything, I knew what it meant. Peter proposed and she said yes. A big change was coming no matter what. If they got married, that was it. Peter would be my stepdad which was like a dad. He and mom would probably have their own kids, and it would be different.

Did I want Peter to get hurt? Was that fair to him? He hadn’t done anything except love us and mom. He was easier to talk to at times than my parents. “Does it make me a bad person if I say that I never thought about what it would mean for him?” She scrunched her face. “Yeah, I thought so. I’m selfish.”

“No,” she protested half-heartedly. “Maybe a little. I feel like you too sometimes, but I don’t want or need it as much. It scares you.”

“I don’t like change. Yeah it would change everything if dad came back. How could it not? I just,” I tugged at my hair. “It’s a dream I’ve held onto for so long. I wouldn’t know what to replace it with or how to let it go.”

Silence stretched between us. It wasn’t something my sister could solve for me. It was a mess of my own making. I was the one who continued pushing the issue even after my parents on separate occasions told me it was settled.

“You should apologize. You know what mom says about letting the sun go down on your anger.” I rolled my eyes.

“Mom says a lot of things.”

“Doesn’t mean they aren’t true.”

“When did you get wise? Aren’t I the older one of us?”

She grinned cheekily. “You’re barely the taller one,” she teased.

“Hey!”

She giggled as I pouted. When we were younger, people knew who the older sister was, but as she gained height and was closing in on me, some assumed we might be fraternal twins or she was the older one. I had a couple of inches on her. “Play your stupid game.” She continued to laugh.

I snatched my own iPad off the bedside table. “Stupid sisters and their dumb, good advice,” I grumbled much to her merriment.

I drifted off into a light doze. My leg was bothering me. I didn’t want to go to sleep either. My mom said it was the best medicine, but I was tired of resting. I wanted to be doing something

“Hey my little love, how’s the patient?” I snapped awake.

 _Ahh mom_ , usually it was easy to distract ourselves so we wouldn’t think about how much we missed her. No matter where we were, we were missing someone. Guiltily, I think I missed her the most. I was accustomed to her late nights and when she would sneak into the house, or her coffee maker in the morning. She pretended she didn’t drink it, but we knew she did.

I missed all the things that I considered annoying about her. Two months wasn’t that long, but sometimes it felt endless. She wasn’t the only thing I missed about home, but she was at the top.

I shrugged and tried not to wince at the pain in my leg. “I’m okay.”

“I see your dad and sister decided to nap. Did you get any rest?” Again, I shrugged. There was a disapproving frown on her face. “What’s wrong?”

I hated mommy-doctor mode. She was at her most annoying. When we were sick, she went completely overboard. If we so much as had the sniffles, she was all over us. “My leg hurts a little. It’s fine. I can handle it. If it hurts too much, I know what to do. I’m really just bored.”

“That won’t change much when we leave. You’re going to need physical therapy and give your leg time to heal. It can take up to a year, and that’s without any complications.”

“Can we at least see if Kate is available? She was great when I messed up my shoulder playing softball.”

“I’ve already asked and she said yes.”

“That’s something to look forward to I suppose. When will we be able to go home? I miss my bed.”

“It’ll be another week or two, nothing definitive as of yet. I want you to feel comfortable bearing some of your weight and getting around on crutches. I don’t want to risk further damage to your leg, and flying is risky. You also won’t be able to go up and down the stairs yourself at first. I’ve hired a private nurse for the first few weeks.”

My summer officially sucked. Everyone was going to have awesome stories about what they did, and mine would be I was in a car accident. “How long will I need the crutches?” I glanced disdainfully at them. I hated using crutches.

“I don’t know. I didn’t specialize in ortho. I did a rotation, but that was ages ago. Have you been walking around a little with the nurse or your dad?”

I huffed. “Yes, but this still sucks. I used the walker instead. The worst part is I can’t have any fun. I’ve got a freaking nail in my leg. I can’t play sports. What can I do?”

“First of all, you know I hate when you use that word.” I rolled my eyes. “Stop that. You can still play piano once your ribs heal and you can sit up without any pain. You can walk. I think you would be more appreciative of what you can do instead of focusing on what you can’t. That isn’t productive thinking. The crutches will only be necessary the first few weeks as you get used to walking again. It’s not forever.”

“Easy for you to say, you’re not the one who is crippled.”

“You’re hardly crippled. This is all temporary.”

“Life is temporary, mom.”

“Don’t be flip. You know that not what I meant.”

“Can you just like once not try and make me feel better? I want to be upset.”

“I’ll restrain myself.”

“That’s all I ask.”

“Why do I feel as if that’s not the only thing bothering you?” _Ugh_ , how did she always know? She had some sort of magical mom powers or something.

“Well…” I hedged.

“What did you say?” She sighed. My mouth had gotten me into a lot of trouble over the years. I told mom I learned it all from watching her. She didn’t like that; it was too late by that point to try and change it. Mom and I were alike, and just as she was set in her ways, I was set in mine. It was why we clashed so often. “You might as well tell me, or your dad will.”

How was it possible they could barely stand to be in one another’s presence, but as soon as I had done something wrong, she was quick to pull out the dad card?

“Ugh fine, dad and I had an argument. He told me it was over and done with. I wouldn’t let it go. He called me selfish.” I mumbled,

“What was that? I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you.”

I folded my arms, not amused. “I said he said I was being selfish. Happy?”

“Were you?”

If she had asked around a hour ago, my answer would’ve been no. “I guess so, yes.”

“Do you need to apologize?”

I made a face.

“Bree and I will go get some food, and it’ll give you time to patch things up with your dad.”

“Yeah, yeah don’t let the sun go down on my anger. I know mom. I’ve heard this lecture about a bajillion times.”

“Watch your tone.”

Soon enough, it was dad and I. Alone. I didn’t know how to start the conversation. It was easier with mom. I knew her expectations and it was familiar to me. With dad, he rarely had to discipline us. We wanted to be on our best behavior. For so long, we thought our visits were contingent on how we behaved. We wouldn’t do anything to risk our time with dad. We didn’t want him to know about the mischief we got into and we attempted to limit our sisterly fights. We didn’t want anything to mar our time together.

Dad had a great poker face. I knew I would have to fold first, and I was the one in the wrong. I didn’t deserve to be snapped at either, however I shouldn’t have continued to push when dad told me to drop it. It was his business not mine what he did with his private life, and Bree was right. I couldn’t continue to push this. It was unfair.

“I guess I should start with sorry.” His eyebrows shot up. I wasn’t necessarily surprised by the reaction. I hated apologizing. “I should’ve stopped when you asked a long time ago. While I’m apologizing I should say sorry about Alison. She was nice enough.” _I still don’t like her._ “I maybe went too far- okay I did go too far. I know I didn’t just hurt her feelings. I hurt you too dad. And I’m sorry for that. I embarrassed you when you only wanted me to meet her.”

“Why did you?”

I played with the stitching on the blanket. My reasoning wasn’t all that good in hindsight. It sounded childish and wasn’t I trying to prove I’m not a child? I exhaled softly. “It was another hurdle in my plan to reunite you and my mom. If you had someone, it meant you weren’t thinking about her.”

He furrowed his brow. I knew he didn’t understand. His parents weren’t divorced. He didn’t know what it felt like to straddle two different lives. There was mom’s Isla and there was dad’s Isla, there was overlap, but they weren’t the same. 

“I don’t know if I can explain in a way you’ll understand. It doesn’t make a lot of sense. I just want you to know I won’t continue to push it any longer. I’m sorry I made you angry with me. You’re right I’m selfish.”

He sighed and leaned forward. “No, you’re not. There’s a difference between acting selfish and actually being selfish. I’m sorry I spoke that way to you. You didn’t deserve it.”

I shook my head. “I deserved it. You’ve told me to knock it off lots of time. I refused to listen, but you know you don’t listen to me either.”

“What do ye mean?” There was genuine surprise on his face.

I could see my eyes in the mirror behind him.

They were a dark blue. The shade was one I couldn’t figure out, but I saw my frustration. There was a pain I constantly denied and refused to express to avoid dredging things up that were better left alone. I never wanted to hurt his feelings, but in the process, I hurt myself. I had unresolved issues with him.

Grey occasionally swept in at the edges of my eyes creating a stormy effect against the blankness of my face. Mom sometimes said my eyes made her feel as if she were thrust right into the midst of a raging hurricane when she stared too long. The colors swirled beautifully. They were different from my sister’s; Bree’s eyes were lighter by a shade or two and often reminded me of the sea or the ocean like dad’s or Aunt Jenny’s. Mine sometimes turned grey depending on the lighting.

“Dad, the accident has put things into perspective for me.” My eyes dropped to focus on the fraying thread of my blanket. I couldn’t look him in the eye and say what I needed to.

“I spent a lot of time hating you because you weren’t there. Sure if I called you answered, but there were times when I couldn’t. It was too late or early. I tried not to hold it against you.” Sometimes I refused to talk to him because I was angry with him. It didn’t make a lot of sense to me. I loved and missed him, but I didn’t want to talk when he called. “I saw what the other kids had and it made me mad. I was jealous. I wanted my dad to play catch with me at the park or cheer for me at my games.”

I felt the sting of tears. “All I wanted was my daddy. My friends talked about how their dads scared away the monsters from their closets. I remember when you did that for me.” I faintly smiled when I thought about those summers. He would hold me afterward until I fell asleep. “But then I would go home, and you weren’t there. Yeah you came when I got my appendix and tonsils out, but you weren’t there when I sprained my ankle or injured my shoulder. You didn’t drop me off at the first day of school. You said you were sorry, but things were so busy for you with your new job. Then you started your business and I was proud. I bragged to everyone my daddy had his own business. I realized it was worse than before because you had less time to talk. You were traveling more.”

“There was the first daddy/daughter dance at school, and I skipped it. I had no dad to take, and it seemed silly to ask you to fly across the world for something as dumb as a dance. I told my friends you couldn’t make it when the truth was I hadn’t asked. I didn’t want to be disappointed and you did that. You disappointed a lot. I learned to stop asking.”

I saw the pain on his face, and cursed myself for putting it there. The agony reflected in his eyes made me turn away. It seeped from him and filled the room with dark clouds. “I’m sorry I wasna there for ye. I wish more than anything I could’ve escorted ye. I wish I had been there for you on the first day and held yer little hand.” He choked out. 

I wiped my forehead, brushing aside loose strands of dark red hair. Hints of gold peeked out at the edges. “I don’t need you to say it now. I wanted it then when it would’ve made a difference. I did so many different things back then from community theater to dance. I had my first piano recital at four, and I wanted you there to show off how well I could play. I flubbed a note and cried right there for everyone to see.” My mind drifted back to that day when I could’ve used my dad’s arms as comfort. “It was the first time I was aware that I didn’t have a dad, at least not like everyone else. I remember calling and inviting you. You said sorry Isla, I can’t this weekend. There’s a huge event happening and it wouldn’t work with your schedule. All the other kids had both of their parents there.”

I saw his emotions reflected on his face as I laid out the things I had neglected to tell him over the years. I wanted to preserve the status quo even when it meant my own disappointment. It was bad for Bree too, but she kept her happy smile. We didn’t want mom to know.

“Mom coached my first T-ball team.” I cracked a smile. “She barely knew anything about baseball, but she did all this research so that she could coach our team to the best of her ability. She traded shifts for some really crappy ones just so she could coach my team.” I sniffled. “None of the other teams had moms coaching them, but mine did. I realized I had a dad when you weren’t there. It was my mom.” I saw how it gutted him to hear me say that. There was betrayal in his eyes at my admittance. “She coached our team to a championship as surprising as it sounds. We were just a bunch of six, seven, and eight year olds. She was great. She would take us out for pizza after, and even if it was for a little while, I could forget about the person who wasn’t there. I always made my mom send those videos of my games to you because I wanted you to be proud of me, to see how I improved.”

I peeked at him from the fringe of lashes. They were a shield protecting me from anything that had the potential to hurt. It pained me to see dad like this, and I didn’t want him to hate me.

“I’m not as angry as I was then,” I admitted, my fingers absentmindedly picked at the thread. “I’ve learned to accept it’s something I can’t change. I spent so long being mad that I often cheated myself out of things. My friend Makayla’s dad invited me along with them to the father/daughter dance every year. Makayla and I have been attached at the hip since pre-school, and I’m close to her family. I could’ve gone. Mr. Miller isn’t my dad, but he’s like one to me and he was being nice. I wanted to invite you so badly, but I knew what you would say.”

“Relax Isla,” he inhaled sharply. “Ye’ve never done anything wrong, and you’re right you cheated yourself because ye waited for a man who was too busy for his own children. Ye deserved better than me. I’ve loved ye since I first heard yer heart beat, but it was the moment I held you for the first time and I kent I would love you forever. I wish ye had been more forthcoming over the years about what was happening in yer head and heart, but I suppose sometimes it felt like I was a complete stranger?” He posed it as a question.

It was hard for my dad. He didn’t know us as well as mom did. It wasn’t exactly his fault, but it was hard not to feel like it was. Sometimes he was a stranger.

“Yes, I guess that’s the right word. It’s easier to talk to mom about stuff because well...” I hesitated with an uneasy glance thrown in his direction. “She knows me better. I know I’m not the easiest, and I don’t spend as much time on the phone like I used to. I mean even if you and mom aren’t together, it’s annoying that you’re on the other side of the world in a different time zone. You’re busy. I see you in the summer, every other Christmas, and every other easter. Maybe if I’m lucky you pop into town for a quick visit. Do you know how that feels?” I cried. “It makes me feel like I mean nothing to you dad.”

He slid his hand over mine and I relished in the warmth. It reminded me of when mom would do something similar. “I dinna blame ye on that count, especially as you’re becoming a young woman.” I couldn’t help but blush at the mention of puberty. “I wish we had done things differently because there are so many things I can’t get back. I didn’t witness yer first lost tooth, or yer first day of school. I can hear stories about it for as long as I live but I can’t go back and get those moments back. I dinna ken how ye got that scar on yer leg. I should’ve made more of an effort to involve myself in yours and Bree’s lives. I could’ve figured out a way to stay in Boston after I quit my job. I should’ve visited more often to see you play. I should’ve taken time off when you had your first recital or when ye went to that competition in New York.” I opened my mouth to interject, but he held up a hand to stop me. “Edinburgh is a second home, but yer first home is always Boston. I should’ve made an effort to see you in your own home.”

My shoulders fell. I couldn’t deny about which I considered home. If I were being honest, it wasn’t the cozy house he picked out for us here. It was the place I spent the majority of the year, and the friends I’d made. “I feel awful dad. You’re being so understanding.”

He cupped my cheek. “I think I needed to hear it. Bree is such a sunny and cheerful child, and she would never tell me. You wouldn’t have if not for the accident. I’ve been a bastard of a father, and it stops now. Ye deserve better, and I’ll have to figure out how to make it work. But I will. You’ve never done anything wrong. You and your sister meant the whole world to me, and it kills me inside to know I made you fell anything but.”

“You know she’s not always sunny. Sometimes she can be horrible, cranky, and a real rain cloud. We try to be on our best behavior because the time with you is fleeting. It’s like if we blink, we might miss it. We don’t want to waste it being angry with one another, but in Boston we fight all the time like cats and dogs. I play pranks on her and she gets back at me. We get in trouble all the time. I just got my phone back before we came here.”

“So I can expect next summer for ye to be two raging bulls?”

I began to laugh. It felt good to do, almost like I had forgotten how. “You should ask my mom some stories about us. She likes to make up things and make it sound worse than it actually was. Only one window got broken and it was a vase she didn’t like that fell. The way she tells it was that it was some gift from papa and mimi.”

“I love you Isla Faith Fraser. I dinna want ye to ever forget how much ye mean to me and how lost I would be without ye in my life.”

He closed the distance between us and wrapped me up tightly in his arms. “I love you too dad.” He squeezed hard, but not enough to bother my ribs. “If you want, I think my next recital is in October. You could make the trip for my birthday too.” I winked at him as he pulled back.

He laughed. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Hey La, did you say sorry?”

“Ugh Bee, yes.”

“Where’s yer mam?”

“I think she went to the chapel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to soak in a nice, hot bath to relieve my aching muscles. Have a wonderful night/day!


	11. Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Droughtlander is OVER!!!!! In honor of that, here's the next chapter.  
> Also totally weird thing to think about, but Brianna was born in 1948 and would be the same age as my grandma if she were real, Brianna not my grandma lol.

**CPOV**

I excused myself, needing a moment to freshen up. It was good that I had forgone make-up these last few days. Still as I stared at my face in the mirror, I cringed at the red, puffy eyes, runny nose, and pink cheeks. It wasn’t a look. I splashed my face with cold water.

It felt amazing on my warm skin.

What happened yesterday was something I never dreamt of. Most parents ideally would mourn together, but one of my faults was time alone to process my feelings. When my dad died, my mother wanted to comfort me and talk about him, however I shut her out. I wanted to do it at my own pace, not because she was forcing me to think about him. It took me years to properly mourn my father. It was the same with Gabriel. I wasn’t ready then to to really let go of him.

Jamie and I were different in that way. He wanted to talk it out then and there to rid himself of whatever was plaguing him. I was aware it irritated him that i couldn’t be the same way. I tried. Part of me wanted to let him in then, but the other half was deeply hurt. I didn’t know what to do his thing, fling, emotional affair, or whatever it was with HER. I never forgave him for it. While she was to blame for her knowingly throwing herself at a married man with children, he ignored my warnings about what type of woman she really was.

I still burned with anger thinking back on those days when I had to wonder exactly what was happening during those late nights at the office. What was worse and what I couldn’t admit was my raging jealousy. She didn’t have any real responsibilities and had the time to put effort into her appearance. I could admit she was a well put together woman even if she had seriously questionable morals.

“What are you doing Claire?” Why was I agonizing over history? I wasn’t bothered anymore. I was being stupid. “Pull yourself together. You can't let yourself get pulled in by his chiseled features, or his adorable dimples. And you've got to stop thinking about his incredibly hard chest. Stop it!”

My therapist helped shift my thinking in the intervening years. She clarified a lot of things for me, and was the first person I could openly talk to who had no personal connection to me. I told her things I had never shared with anyone. She also called me on my crap and forced me to admit that part of me was still attracted to Jamie. She said physical attraction didn't have to imply love.

What I learned in therapy was mourning was a personal experience, not everyone wanted to share the burden. Some couples couldn’t handle the distance in their relationship. It didn’t make them awful for not being able to unload on their partners. Hell, it took me a long time to recognize I needed help to express my grief over the loss of my child and the destruction of my marriage. My feelings of that time were all tied together.

Sarah, my psychiatrist, was lovely and compassionate. For our early sessions, she allowed me to blather on about anything. It was a stream of consciousness. I kept talking and talking. She asked questions intermittently about my family, my feelings,and Jamie. When I was more comfortable with her, she began to help me dig deeper into my issues. One of our established rules was honesty. 

I resented Jamie. Some of it was fair and some of it was unjust. It was those six months where our relationship broke down. Apparently it was natural to have feelings change for someone in a short amount of time. Sarah reminded me that given how I tied my emotions to events, it was wholly possible I didn’t hate Jamie. I convinced myself I did to protect my battered and bruised heart. I barely trusted him by that point. Using my feelings for him during that time was how I made the decision to dissolve our relationship.

I cried in her office too many times to count after that revelation. Sarah refused to coddle her patients. 

_“Claire, you’ve talked about the state of your relationship in the months leading up to your miscarriage. You said there was less intimacy between you, he was constantly working, and how frustrated you were with his dismissal of your feelings regarding his work colleague. The lack of intimacy and his close working situation with another woman along with pregnancy hormones and stress from your every day life resulted in him being an easy target for you. From the outside, his life wasn’t affected as much as yours.”_

_He didn’t gain a billion more pounds. My body wasn’t my own with the hormones and extra body weight. I had all these responsibilities stretching me thin. Trying to maintain perfect grades was hard when I had a colicky baby and a toddler throwing tantrums when she didn’t get her way. Jamie was working late nearly every night on a new account, so I was left to sort things out on the home front._

_I hated that she was right. “It isn’t awful and you’re not horrible. You’re human. You aren’t the first person to ever feel that way. His absence when you needed him caused you to redirect your anger and grief. You needed someone unleash it on and he was there, the perfect target. He was the one never around, he left for another woman,” she shot me a look to prevent an interruption. “While you know he wasn’t having a physical relationship with her, it still felt as if he was choosing her over you that day.”_

_The truth was it really wasn’t like that, but that was how I perceived it. Jamie had responsibilities and he had to fulfill them whether I liked it or not. He couldn’t refuse as it was a huge opportunity for him. They trusted and valued him. If he made a fuss about working with Britney because his hormonal wife didn’t like it, it wouldn’t have been good for his future in the company. Still when we had that argument and he walked out, it felt like he picked her. I felt small, insignificant, and undesirable._

_“He didn’t directly deal with the loss of the baby only the aftermath when he came back. You were the one who delivered a dead baby by yourself. Tell me about holding your dead baby.”_

_Tears clung to my lashes as I hoped to continue avoiding this line of discussion. I didn’t like thinking about anything related to that day._

_My mind unconsciously drifted back to the hospital room where the nurse brought in a small baby wrapped in blankets. His eyes were closed because they never opened. His skin was cold. There was no flush to his cheeks. He appeared to be sleeping, and I wished so much it were true. I had never prayed harder for anything in my life._

_“I remember his weight in my arms. I tried to imagine what it would feel like if he had managed a few more months inside. I didn’t want to cry and ruin the only opportunity I would ever have to hold him. I wanted to savor our time because we wouldn’t get anymore. I blamed God. I praised and cursed God, praying that it was all a nightmare.” I choked back a sob. “One tear fell and soon more followed until I couldn’t see. Jamie came to see me that night. I felt undeniable rage inside of me when I woke up and heard him sleeping. I know he had his moment with Gabriel, but I wanted him to have been there with me when they handed me my dead baby.”_

_“I prayed to God.” I let out a harsh laugh. “I prayed for a miracle that I never got.”I stopped attending mass after I lost Gabriel. I couldn’t take communion because I refused to enter confession and admit my hatred and disappointment. I cursed God for being cruel and stealing my happiness. I wasn’t ready to let go of those feelings._

_“Who are you really angry at?” I froze._

_Everyone in my life was content to move on from what happened. My mother while not ignoring what happened went about her daily life. She helped me raise my children and worked. It didn’t have a massive effect on her. Tom called infrequently, but he talked about everything except the miscarriage. The girls were young, and aside from their father’s absence not much changed in their lives. Things went on fairly the same. The only other major change in their lives was the move following my graduation from medical school._

_I turned my ahead away to avoid her knowing gaze. I was predictable in my avoidance tactics. Sarah was adept and aware enough to know when pushing me would get us somewhere productive._

_She sighed and slid her pad to the side. “Why are you here Claire?” It was truth time. There was no bullshitting this._

_“To deal with the past in a way that doesn’t inhibit me going forward. I don’t want what happened in June to happen again. I don’t like not feeling in control of my life. It scared the shit out of me. I’ve been walking around in this haze for too long. On the outside I appear the same as always, but on the side I’m struggling every damn day. I want to be at a point where I can cope with my personal tragedy without cracking. It’s difficult because some days I wake up and I’m perfectly fine. Others, I fight with myself to crawl out from under my sheets.”_

_She nodded satisfied somewhat. “What are your other reasons?”_

_I brushed away tears. “I don’t want to blame Jamie anymore. He doesn’t deserve my scorn and hatred, especially because I drove him away.” It was a hard admittance. I was self-aware enough to know my actions preceding and following May 2009 contributed to the dissolution of my marriage. “It’s tiring to continue resenting a man three thousand miles away. He has his own crosses to be bear.”_

_“I’m proud of you for being honest.”_

_“That stung.”_

_“It was supposed to Claire, a few weeks ago you would’ve never revealed that to me.” Her assessment was a bit hard to accept only because of the accuracy. “Therapy is a place where you learn to be honest, to become the best version of yourself. I don’t necessarily require you to be truthful to me, but I need you to be honest with yourself. You do a great disservice if you can’t speak the truth.”_

_I exhaled slowly before glancing back at her with watery eyes. “When I held Gabriel, I cursed the world for being awful and cruel. I hated everybody. The nurses were sympathetic and expressed their condolences, but I was a monster to them. My ob/gyn was sad and apologetic, and I couldn’t talk to her anymore. I saw how perfect he would’ve been. I couldn’t help but picture his life. He would’ve had dark hair, his father’s eyes and smile, and his sisters would’ve loved him more than anything. As I stared down at my still baby, my heart cracked. I felt as if it were my fault and I had done something to not deserve him.”_

_I buried my face in my hands and cried._

It was well over a year before our sessions became infrequent to the point where I visited her office maybe twice a year. We kept in contact through email and I sent pictures of my daughters. She was there when I needed her, but I tried not to need her services. She had prepared me well.

Bree found me in the restroom, she was likely bored or seeking comfort. Isla wasn’t able to do too much. Her doctor wanted her on her feet as much as possible, but her ribs were killing her and there was the concussion. She wasn’t in a state to be around visitors, and Bree was suffering. She hadn’t seen anything outside of the hospital in days aside from her father’s home. This was supposed to be her summer vacation.

“Mommy?” I hummed in response. “Can we go somewhere?”

I considered her proposition. There was likely not to be a change in Isla’s condition, and I didn’t want to neglect Bree. She had been cooped up for days. “You know what Bree, let’s get out of here. I wouldn’t mind leaving the hospital.”

She perked up instantly. “Are you serious? We can really leave?” I felt horrible it had come as such a shock to her. Had we been putting that much focus on her sister?

“Yes,” I kissed her curly head. “Let me tell your father.” She nodded eagerly in anticipation.

We headed in the direction of Isla’s room. I hadn’t been able to sit in a room with Jamie following our conversation in the chapel. We were both a little raw after that revealing moment, and I wasn’t ready for that sort of directness between us.

Jamie worked on paperwork diligently, while Isla dozed. I admired his strong profile, especially with his glasses. He appeared quite distinguished. His head popped up at my entrance. “Everything okay Claire?”

I nodded shyly. “Yes, uh Bree and I are going to go out for a bit. She’s feeling stir crazy and it’s been sometime since I enjoyed Scotland in the summer. I figured Isla wouldn’t notice if we were gone.” Walking around with the walker this morning had taken a lot out of her. She had a rough night and barely got any sleep, so she was crankier than usual. It was good she was finally resting.

He removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes tiredly. “Did ye plan to go somewhere specific with her?”

“I thought we might do some shopping.” I shrugged helplessly. The girls were growing like weeds. “Did you need anything while we were out? I could pick it up for you.”

He shook his head. “If ye like, yer welcome to use my car. I’m staying here with Isla, so you might as well.” He offered his keys to me.

I accepted them in surprise, which he noted. “I figured we might take a trip over to Princes or George street, perhaps both depending on how Bree is feeling.” He nodded. “If you need anything, I’ll have my phone. Well I’ll… uh… see you later.”

After yesterday’s revealing moment, I was felt awkward in his presence. We cleared the air of some things, but there was still a wall between us.

As we headed to the parking lot, Bree grabbed my hand. “Mommy, do you remember that you can’t drive on our side?”

I nudged her a little for teasing. “You’re forgetting I’m from this part of the world. Until I was in my twenties, it was perfectly normal to drive on the other side.” It was more than strange to adjust to the position of the steering wheel and to get used to driving over here again. I had been living in America for twelve years.

Back home in Boston, people were quite vocal at expressing their sentiments regarding the driving capabilities of others on the road. I had gotten into the habit myself of using some unsavory language. I tried to keep it away from Isla and Bree, but I had slipped on too many occasions.

We ended up on Princes Street. Bree was in complete awe of the ancient castle. “It’s so pretty. We don’t have anything like it at home.” I chuckled at her excitement. “Dad’s never really taken us here before.”

“Oh love, castles aren’t uncommon over here. I spent several years going on field trips to castles growing up in England. It’s actually very dull.” I informed her. “Although Buckingham Palace and Hampton Court were nice when I was a kid, but really I just wanted to meet the Queen or Princess Diana.” Life in England seemed like an entire lifetime ago. I wasn’t the same dreamy eyed girl I was when I left.

She was silent and pensive. Her face scrunched up adorably. “Do you miss living in London?”

I considered her question, only because of how seriously she asked. “No I don’t. I love living in Boston with you and Isla. Everything is different, and while there are things I certainly miss about England, I wouldn’t trade our life for anything.” She squeezed my hand tightly, and I knew she felt much the same. “There wasn’t much for me there anyway.”

We managed to find a few outfits for her in some of the clothing shops. I didn’t buy anything for Isla as it was Bree’s time. She needed to feel normal if only for a few hours. “What was it like growing up in England?” I loved how inquisitive she was being. She never asked about my life before her.

“Well,” I said as we were seated by the hostess. “It was lovely. I grew up London as you know, and it was amazing. We took the Tube to get most places, although sometimes we got a cab. It’s not always smart to do so, but if you’re in a hurry, it’ll do. The fridges aren’t as big so we went to grocery store a bit more regularly. I enjoyed my childhood. I had several close friends, but we’ve drifted apart over the years. It wasn’t far either to visit my family in France or my other grandparents in Ireland.”

Bree stared at me curiously. “Is it weird I can’t imagine you having any other friends besides the ones you have?”

I giggled into my water. “Actually it’s perfectly reasonable. Joe is my best friend now, and most of my friends I’ve met through the hospital or church. It’s strange in a way to think about my old friends.” We took a few minutes to browse our menus. I ordered a few tacos and Bree a burrito bowl. She and her sister had ordered from Chipotle as often as they could.

“What did you do for fun?”

“We did normal things. We played outside, or watched movies. It’s not much different than what you do, maybe less technology. There weren’t iPads and cellphones had a practical use. We used them to call people.” She made a face causing me to laugh. “I went to a couple of music festivals. Sometimes I traveled and visited my Uncle Lamb. I spent most of my summer holidays in France. My grandparents made each grandchild work for the family business when they were old enough.”

“That’s boring.” She laughed. “I guess it’s not that different. Do you think we could go visit London sometime? It’s just we’ve seen where dad grew up, but we don’t go to England. Uncle Tom visits us.” She played with the edges of her napkin.

“I’m sorry if it seems as if I were hiding a piece of myself. Sometimes it makes me a little sad to think about my old home. There’s a lot of memories.” She nodded understandingly. “I met your father on the train back to London when I was sixteen, and from there we became friends and slowly progressed to more. Also I guess I feel a lot less English these days as opposed to when I first moved.”

She scrunched up her face in confusion at my admittance. “I don’t get it.” Her eyes squinted curiously. “You sound English to me, all fancy and stuff.” I chuckled.

“Well my accent used to be a lot stronger, but it’s changed after living in America for so long. You kind of lose your ties to places after such a lengthy time away. I use a lot of American terms instead of British ones. I’ve become a citizen as you know, and while I still retain my English citizenship, it’s not the same as it used to be.”

“I guess,” she shrugged, digging into her food. “Do you ever want to call your old friends?”

I thought about the friends I left behind. Most of our correspondence was through Christmas cards and scattered emails. They attended my wedding to Jamie, and were some of the first to know about my first pregnancy. “I suppose, but I sort of feel terrible for not keeping up as much with them. I’ve known many of them since reception and others since primary school, and then I moved without ever looking back.”

“Well I think they would forgive you if you explained. I mean you’re a doctor and busy like all the time.” It was wise words coming from a nine year old. “Besides real friends always forgive you even if you’re wrong. You say that all the time.”

Bree learned that particular lesson the hard way during her time in third grade. The girls in her class had gone through some drama. Parents were called in and the entire situation was a mess. Bree and her friends learned about forgiveness and accepting that they might not always be right. It wasn’t fully resolved by the time school concluded for the year, and there were plans to separate some of the girls into different classes.

“Are you done?” I asked her. She had really dug into her food, and I loved seeing her have an appetite after the week she had.

She nodded. “Yes, I’m full.” A smile graced her lips, and my breath caught for a moment. “Thanks mommy, I don’t think I could’ve been in the hospital for much longer without going bananas.” Her childish giggles were music to my ears.

I paid and we headed back to the hospital. “You know Bree there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you.”

“Can we get a dog?”

I fixed her with a look. “Nice try, but you guys can’t even keep your rooms clean and there’s our cat.” She grinned anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have any of you watched the new episode yet? If so, let me know your thoughts. I'm watching it now. Who needs sleep?


	12. Meet Me Halfway

It had been another three days before I found myself in her company. She was skilled at wrangling her way out of spending time with me alone. I was slightly impressed at her evasiveness.

I stared at her as we ate dinner in the cafeteria. She and Isla were due to leave soon. The arrangements had been made so that Isla could properly begin physical therapy. They would remain here for a few more days and then Claire would disappear from my life again. I had limited time to talk to her, to openly discuss everything that transpired between us through the years. My mouth was dry and my throat closed off every time I attempted to foster conversation with her. I wasn’t sure how to address the elephant in the room.

Many of the issues we had in the past were a direct result and consequence of our inability to properly verbalize our issues. We lacked communication as time went on, and eventually we began to blame one another for our lot in life. It was quite terrible because there wasn’t anything terrible about the life we built together, aside from us living separate lives.

With a huff, she set down her spoon and fixed me with a piercing glare. “Jamie, just say whatever it is on your mind. I can’t handle constantly feeling your eyes on me as I’m eating. It’s giving me anxiety, and it's really bugging me. I mean have you ever just had someone stare at you like they're seeing through you or picturing you naked, not that you really have to struggle in that department, and wow you should really start talking now. I'm done.” She zipped her lips, and I bit back a chuckle.

I quirked a brow as she cut off her rambling. As we spent more time together over the last week and a half, I saw the layers peeling back and peeks of the girl I knew. There were all these facets to her that I hadn’t noticed, or they hadn’t existed when I knew her or had disappeared for a time.

In many ways, she was the same person, but there were edges to her now. She was open but still a closed book. I couldn’t fathom how she had managed that. She had come into her own as a parent from the woman who constantly doubted her abilities to be a good mother. I cleared my throat and shifted uncomfortably under her dark gaze.

“Alright,” I held my hands up innocently. “I guess I’ve been wanting to address stuff about the past.”

Her face fell sadly. It was never her intention to be here where she was out of her depth. She liked to feel comfortable, but at the moment she was a fish out of water. She was supposed to be working in Boston in the life she made for herself after ours fell apart. She should’ve been with her boyfriend; my eyes quickly darted to her ring finger, perhaps it was fiancé now.

There were lines around her eyes that weren’t there before, and the laugh lines around her mouth were deeper. All sorts of stories behind each one that I didn’t know about. No amount of story telling would allow me to be in those moments. She still looked young for all her years. The years were good to her, very kind.

I watched as she composed herself and brushed a few stray tears away. “What do you want to talk about specifically?” Her face was blank as she held in her emotions.

I swallowed back the bile threatening to come up. “Was it really about my work partner?”

A choked laugh escaped her, and I watched the surprise dawn on her face. I must have caught her off guard with that particular starter question. “Partly,” she admits, refusing to meet my eyes. “When I went to therapy, I ended up on anti-depressants. I didn’t go as soon as you did and my symptoms worsened. I was even hospitalized after I had a full on mental break. That resulted in more therapy.” She smiled wryly.

“My therapist diagnosed me with depression and a host of other things. I didn’t enjoy therapy in any form in the beginning, and I fought her on the medication. I guess doctors really do make the worst patients.” She sighed. My lips twitched a bit because she was a terrible patient. “I wasn’t only unhappy with you. It took me a while to discover that I had postpartum depression, anxiety, and severe stress. To add to it, I was refusing to deal with my grief.”

She anxiously ran her fingers over the rim of her bowl as she measured her words carefully. Claire preferred to face a situation directly instead of beating around the bush. She would run the words through her head before saying them out loud. “I was jealous of Britney as you know. She did make it clear she wanted you by the way if the way her gaze lingered on you and how she draped herself all over you. Honestly, it was nauseating. It wasn’t as if I was completely mad. She told me. You refused to listen to me.”

“I believe ye,” I told her earnestly. Britney made some advances, but I was firm in my rejection of her. It was too late by then as I had inadvertently led her on. Perhaps a part of me was consciously aware of what I was doing, but it was never my intention to hurt my family. The shame was the worst bit of it when I thought about my soon to be ex-wife and my two kids at home. “You were right about her. She expressed her desire to be with me and made some advances. There was a kiss. I stopped it, but I don’t think it makes much of a difference. I had shared intimate details of our life, and I can never fully express my regret over that.”

Her lips thinned considerably and her eyes burned with jealousy. It wasn’t an emotion I thought I would invoke in her again, yet here we were, or maybe it was tied to another woman going after her husband. “I see,” she said through clenched teeth. “I can’t say I’m surprised. I suspected something like that after she sent the massive arrangement to the funeral addressed only to you. She was always a cunt.”

I was unsure of who she was upset with. It was possible that it was a combination of the three of us.

Her eyes glanced upward, and her lips were moving. I realized she was counting. “I want ye to ken I dinna return her feelings.”

Irritation flashed through her dark orbs and I forced myself not to recoil in fear. “Did you return her affections? I know you revealed private details, which is what allowed her to feel close to you.”

I avoided her gaze guiltily because I hated to admit my own weakness. “Yes, but then no. I told her I was going through too much in my personal life to start anything with her. I was in love with you, and I couldn’t use my frustration with you as a justification.”

Her head bobbed as she absorbed the full impact of my words. Her hands tightened around her cup of water as everything settled over her until her shoulders slumped in resignation.

It was interesting to observe the updated version of her. She wasn’t reactive as she had been in her youth. She was a hot head then and often jumped to conclusions. She was quick to anger and just as fast at apologizing. In the last decade, she had matured and mellowed. There were still some of those rough edges, but they weren’t nearly that sharp. Life had a way of sneaking in and changing a person. The Claire I knew best no longer existed and someone else came in and replaced her. 

I enjoyed all these contradictions in her character. I was meeting a new person. I kept expecting her to be the way she was because in my mind she had been frozen at twenty-six.

“I’m not angry.” She finally said after a few minutes of silence stretched between us. “I forgave you a long time ago. I had to for my own state of mind. I was holding onto all of that anger, but when I decided to go back to the Church, I let it all go. I didn’t want to be burdened with it. Also, going to confession would've been such a fucking nightmare if I refused to release all of that hatred and negativity. My priest was already up my ass about leaving in the first place, which is odd since they're supposed to be all accepting and encouraging. You should've seen the faces of the old lady brigade when I decided to return. They barely liked me before, but their judgey sides really came out after that because I was a single, divorced mum of two. Ugh, I really despise them and then to add fuel to the fire, they implied it was good I managed to trick a nice, successful man into being with me. You can bet I laughed my arse off when Mrs. Caruthers husband ran off with her best friend who was her second in command.”

My brows crinkled and I squinted at her with obvious bewilderment in my eyes. She couldn’t have said what she did. That was the last thing I expected from her given how her interactions with me were usually clipped and tense. Was this the same Claire? Was her babbling a positive sign? She hadn't done it in years, at least not with me. The last time it happened was after we signed the papers. Although, I wished she had managed to slip in an innuendo. 

A fond smile appeared on her lips. “Believe it or not I’m not as unreasonable as I was at twenty-six. Things have happened.” She shrugged. The guarded expression disappeared from her eyes, and a twinkle replaced it. “It’s not as if I can get jealous now. I have no attachment to you besides as my co-parent. Sure, we were together for a long time, but I shouldn't notice things like how hard you are- by hard I mean um how big your muscles have gotten. You know you weren't that big then... you didn't work out a lot, and I've got to develop a filter at some point. This is embarrassing.” My lips twitched. I was wondering if this version of her would make an appearance during her time in Scotland. For someone who was generally composed and verbose, she often slipped up in her wording. 

She was right though. We had moved onto other people. The only reason we were forced to orbit each other was our children. We had a responsibility to them as their parents to put our differences aside for their well-being. We sometimes failed in that regard, but it was never too late to try. My talk with Isla had gotten me to thinking about ways to be more involved in their lives. I had things to discuss with Claire about that.

“If I had known then, well things might’ve ended up worse than they did. I probably would’ve confronted her and called her out in front of your whole office, maybe even slapped the little tart for trying to pursue my husband as if you were available for her perusal. Like couldn't she find someone else in the building to eye fuck? I was close to marking my territory despite all of our issues because she had it coming.” I had no doubts about what she would’ve done. “At least I now have confirmation she was a home wrecking twat with no moral compass. Is there anything else? You seem like you’ve had a lot on your mind. I hate to think I’m the cause.”

Before I have a chance to censor myself, the words leave my mouth as if knowing I need to know the answer. “Why didn’t you stop me?”

“Would you think less of me if I said I hoped you would come back instead of going to that conference?”

I sat back in my chair as I openly stared at her small figure. She was of average build, but it was her larger than life personality that made her seem taller. She had a way of taking command of a situation, and ordering everyone around. Most people were surprised by her stature. The doctors and nurses involved with Isla had even deferred to her a wee bit.

Her long fingers rubbed her temples tiredly. “I thought you would choose me. Then after Gabriel things got worse between us and the cracks were visible. It was like the Mariana freaking Trench. We were arguing and we created a terrible home environment for our children. I couldn’t trust you anymore, and that was the hardest part. My mum was right about when trust is broken, it’s difficult to get back. Every time I looked at you, I saw you with her, how you chose her. We argued plenty about money and you avoided all discussion surrounding the release of my trust fund. When I asked for the divorce, you mildly protested and then you accepted it without question. Sitting in the office, I wanted to call the whole damn thing off, but when you didn't say anything when I picked up the pen and hesitated, I figured I was giving you what you wanted.”

My hand scrubbed at my face as I processed her words. “I thought you couldn’t stand the sight of me. Actually I think your words were somewhere close to you hating seeing my face and hating me. In truth, I hated you too. I wasn’t trapped, but I blamed you for choices I made. I wanted you to hurt.” I ignored the tears. "And you're not wrong about the money aspect. It made me uncomfortable thinking about the millions waiting for you. I never grew up in that environment. Every penny counted for us."

“We really mucked it all up. The more we talked, the more frustrated I was with you. You made me angry all the time. I kept thinking back to your face after Gabriel, and I swore I saw relief in your eyes.”

“Claire,” I attempted to touch her hand, but she pulled back from me.

Her eyes dared me to try and touch her. “Don’t.” There was steel in her voice. “If you don’t recall you walked out when I told you I was pregnant. You were angry at me.”

_March 2009_

_Turning the key into the lock, I attempted to be as silent as possible. It was late and the girls were likely in bed. When I entered the apartment, I immediately heard the cries of a colicky infant and saw Isla covering her ears in the living room. Tears coated her red cheeks._

_Claire paced up and down the hallway, gently bouncing the screaming Bree. I was amazed I hadn’t heard it from outside. Isla glanced nervously at me and motioned me closer. “Baby crying.”_

_“How long?” Her fists rubbed at her eyes and a huge yawn escaped her._

_“Long time.”_

_It was amazing how big she had gotten. She would be turning three in seven months, and I constantly found myself marveling at her growth. I remembered the day they put her in my arms. She was a squabbling, red faced infant finally healthy enough to live outside of her incubator. She was a fighter from the first day._

_She was tiny. I thought I would break her if I touched her, but the nurses and Claire calmed my nerves. The moment I held her, I knew I would do anything for her. She and her mother were my entire world. Then she opened her eyes and I gasped. They were slanted and blue. It was possible the color would change as what sometimes occurred with infants, but I secretly hoped they wouldn’t. She had some blonde fuzz on her head with a reddish tint._

_I saw some of Claire in her lips, and I hoped she would have her nose as well. I needn’t have worried about because aside from the eyes and hair, she was a miniature version of her mother. Then again people saw what they wanted to see in babies._

_“Come here,” I opened up my arms and she crawled into them. I held her and gently rocked her as her eyelids slowly fluttered shut. Her dark lashes rested on her chubby cheeks. It was mesmerizing watching her sleep. Her perfect features astounded me. I helped create her and it still seemed impossible she came from me._

_Claire eventually settled Bree and set her inside of her crib. She eased the door shut and brought out the baby monitor._

_Bree was a difficult baby. I loved her as much as her sister, but nights were tough when I needed to get up at five the next morning. Bree rarely slept longer than an hour._

_“I’m sorry about that,” Claire said as she collapsed on the sofa. There was a nervous energy in the air, and I was immediately on alert. She had been strange and distant for the last week or so, and at first I thought she was coming down with something. Being the primary caretaker for our children and attending school was running her down. She was stressed all the time. I found her crying in the bathroom a few times, but she passed it off as hormones. Unwilling to push, I settled for it._

_I wished she would sit closer, but my touch seemed to annoy her. “It’s fine. I don’t think it is out of the ordinary for parents to come home to upset children.” She shrugged and I could see the lack of sleep on her face. I felt like a shitty parent for being absent and allowing my wife to pick up all the slack. “Is something the matter Claire?”_

_She was silent and contemplative. She chewed on her plump bottom limp nervously as she stared at me. Her eyes had a glassy sheen, and I was instantly worried about her. “Jamie… I don’t how to tell you this.” I was apprehensive she was going to ask for a divorce or say she found someone else. I wasn’t expecting the next words out of her mouth to be, “I’m pregnant.”_

_I gaped, slack jawed at her. My eyes widened in absolute astonishment before I pushed myself off the couch and stood over her. “What do ye mean you’re pregnant?” I whispered harshly, mindful of the sleeping children._

_Her mouth turned down. “I took a test and went to my doctor to confirm. She says I’m around two months. I don’t know how it happened. We were careful.” She pressed her hands into her face. “I- what are we going to do? After this term, I still have two more. The apartment isn’t big enough for a family of five.” She was rambling, but I was still stuck on the word pregnant._

_“Are you fucking joking? Is this an early April Fool’s Day prank because it’s not funny?”_

_It wasn’t the right thing to say, and I knew as soon as I saw her get up. “Why would do something like this to take the piss out of you? I didn’t ask for this. Maybe if you had been more careful with the protection, we wouldn’t be in this position. You’re the one who ignored me and convinced me it would be fine even though I’m almost a fucking doctor. I should’ve known better. This is unbelievable.”_

_I turned away from her and walked out, unable to deal with the present situation. It wasn’t the best decision I could’ve made under the circumstances, especially given my wife was hormonal and dealing with two kids and another on the way. We should’ve been discussing what to do instead of pinning the blame, but the blame game had turned into a favorite._

_I needed air. My lungs constricted painfully as I sucked in a harsh breath in the bitter winter air. I tried to focus on taking one breath at a time as I thought about the news she dropped on me._

_We just had Bree and then she announced there was another one. I barely had time for the two we had. How was I to be there for a third one? Claire struggled enough to take care of Isla and Bree by herself, and while I was making great money, Boston was an expensive city. We couldn’t afford at the moment to move to a large apartment or afford a nanny to take care of the children when Claire was at school.Daycare was expensive enough as it was, and we couldn’t move until Claire finished school. Harvard had given her a substantial amount and she had tons of other scholarships. It was out of the question for her to quit when she was nearly there. It was the reason we were in Boston._

_We were Catholic so abortion was out, not that I would ever ask her to get rid of a child we created. I pressed my palms into my eye sockets as I cried. I didn’t know how we would do it. We didn’t have the fortune of having relatives nearby, and most of our friends were childless._

_I never imagined years ago when we made our commitments to one another that this was where we would be. I didn’t know if I could do it. This wasn’t part of the plan. Did I want more children? Yes, but I thought we would be settled in a house with lots of rooms to fit them. This wasn’t ideal timing._

_By the time I made my way back home several hours later, Claire was in bed. She was on her side and putting as much distance between us as possible. I didn’t ask her how she felt about the news. How did it happen? We tried to be careful as she wasn’t back on birth control yet. She was breastfeeding Bree. There was already a deep sense of regret filling my insides when I thought about how I overreacted to the news. Shame stirred in my stomach as I observed Claire's sleeping frame._

_The pale light from the moon bathed her in a blue-ish glow, and illuminated the dried tear tracks on her face. I had done this to her. As I slept that night, I heard her cry and ignored the tense feeling in my gut that told me it was my fault and to fix it._

I turned away in shame because she was right. I hadn’t behaved rationally when she dropped her big bomb. While neither of us were exactly thrilled with the timing, it was no reason for me to walk away when we were having a disagreement. We were both responsible for the life inside of her.

“I owe ye an apology.” She raised an eyebrow. “I wasn’t expecting you to tell me you were pregnant. We were already drowning with our financial issues and childcare, and the pregnancy only seemed to push us further apart instead of drawing us closer together.” This time when I reached over to grab her hand, she turned over her palm and allowed me to old her hand.

The softness of her hands always amazed me. It was fascinating how something so delicate could be strong enough to save lives. I forgot how well our hands seemed to fit together and how they would never again.

“I did want him, ye know and yes I was angry about the timing. You were also pissed because I refused to ask yer family for financial help.”

A solitary tear slid down her cheek. “I know.” She squeezed my hand to reaffirm her statement. “You felt his loss as much as I had. At the funeral, I focused entirely on you. I saw you arrive with Jenny, and you sat on the other side of the aisle. I don’t even remember crying during the funeral, but I remember with clarity the poem you read to sum our feelings about losing Gabriel.”

I studied the light blue veins in her wrist. I remembered receiving the news of her admittance to the hospital, and thought about the possible absence of her life. Losing a child was difficult, but I wouldn’t have survived if she were gone to me as well. In the end though, I lost her too.

She tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “I like this look of yours.” A nice rosy complexion bloomed on her face. “I didn’t imagine you ever going for the straight haired look.”

She ducked her head shyly. “Yes, well I invested in an expensive hair straightener, and try to maintain it for a few days until I wash it. I just don’t have the time to deal with the curls, and in the morning I can do a French twist or some other simple hairstyle without worrying about constant tangles. I always disliked my curls.” 

I sympathized with her. I used to watch as her face pinched with frustration at a particularly difficult knot in her hair. I didn’t know how she did it. “You look mature. It frames your face nicely.”

A soft smile appeared on her face. I noticed as the week passed less scowls and glares popped up, and I enjoyed the softer side of Claire. 

“You should visit him.”

My grip tightened. “I don’t think I’m ready for that.” I admitted. The sorrow still bubbled at the surface, and I couldn’t make a graveside appearance without falling to absolute pieces. “Just a little longer,” I told her and she nodded. “How did it feel your first time there?”

“As I told you, I went alone because I didn't want to subject the girls to that so early. I was already distraught at the idea of seeing the headstone with his name. Aside from his death certificate, it was the only place his name ever would be.” I stroked away the cascade of tears. “I've taken them to visit him though. Bree and Isla in the beginning played some sort of game, and I sat there, caressing his name. I couldn’t afford to break down without scaring the girls. I could’ve left them at home, but I wanted them to be there. He was their brother. It was the only way they'd ever meet until the end of this life.”

I should’ve been there with her that first time. “It’s okay,” her thumb stroked the smooth skin on the back of my hand. “It’s hard to think about all the things he will miss out on and already has. It’s easier as the years go by, and I don’t find myself holding my breath anymore.” I knew what she meant. My throat closed up and my lungs constricted painfully in those first months after we lost him.

“You’re so strong.” She shook her head embarrassed by my candor. “No you are. Some people let the darkness swallow them whole, but you didn’t. As I sit here with you now, I find myself impressed.” I meant it.

“I’m not really that strong. I’ve had my battles, and have had to rebuild my life from scratch when it crashed down on me. My struggles are what allows me to be here now.”

“Why do you think we didn’t last?”

“Because we were stupid kids who threw away a good thing because they couldn’t recognize what they had.” I wondered if she already had the answer prepared, or if someone said something to her. “When I divorced you Jamie, I realized I also left my whole life in the UK. I don’t keep in contact with any of my old mates. It felt too personal, and they all knew us as a couple. I feel like an asshole for how I acted afterwards. They were trying to be supportive and I pushed them away.”

“I doubt they hold it against you. You were going through a rough time, and you were alone across the Atlantic with two American children.” I teased her, and it got me a tiny smile.

It never failed to amuse either of us how American our daughters were. It was a running joke between us when Isla began to talk. Claire hoped desperately for her to keep the English accent, but with preschool and the nursery at church, it was a lost cause. Claire was completely resigned to raising American little girls. I wouldn't want them any other way.

“I’ve visited when I’m in London, and they always ask after you. I never have anything to say aside from what the lasses tell me, but I think overall they just want reassurance you’re okay. They do miss you.”

“I plan to initiate contact, and possibly pop into London one of these days.” I knew it was a huge step for her to consider possibly visiting her former home. “I never have much of a reason. Tom visits or we see him in France. It allows me to avoid London.”

“I was going to take Bree to the beach tomorrow, would you mind joining us? Jenny wanted to bring Maggie and Kitty by to spend the day with Isla if that’s alright with you?”

I saw the hesitation and the immediate protest before she closed her lips and murmured a soft “yes.”

I knew how wary she was to spend any significant amount of time with me, but I didn’t want her cooped up in the hospital or her hotel room. She and Bree were there when they weren’t here. Bree rarely went back to my house unless her mother was staying overnight at the hospital. She latched onto her mother immediately, and I tamped down my jealousy at the closeness shared between them. It was irrational as I had done it to myself. I needed to step up.

I refused to be envious as I watched Bree and Claire play on the beach, Yellowcraigs Beach in The Lothians. The cove was beautiful this time of year, and the view of the lighthouse on Fidra Island was spectacular. Although according to Bree, lighthouses were boring. There were plenty in Massachusetts and if a person saw one, they had seen them all.

The water was a clear blue as it lapped at the shore. I inhaled the salty sea air, and felt my body relax for what seemed like the first time in weeks. The waves came in and broke white against the rocks, spraying water everywhere. Bree and Claire laughed as water splashed them and they chased each other.

Claire was carefree and joyful and it surprised me as I compared her to the emotionally distant woman who arrived. “Mommy,” Bree cackled as Claire caught her around the waist and tugged her closer.

Their interactions were pure and innocent, and I saw the love they bore for one another. Claire had a look that was exclusively for our daughters. It was hard to describe the serenity I felt when I saw it. Her lips curved up, and the apples of her cheeks popped out. Her eyes were bright and alive with a hint of mischievousness behind those orbs.

There were some topics we hadn’t addressed like her potential engagement and marriage, and the possibility of me spending more time with our daughters.

More laughter followed as they played together. Claire beckoned me over with such a lighthearted expression on her face. I ran over to her and Bree who was completely soaked.

Bree looked as if she had never been happier in her entire life. Her ocean eyes sparkled in apparent delight as she threw herself into my arms. “Daddy save me from mommy.” She giggled merrily, and I realized what I was missing, my family. I had deprived myself of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So has everyone seen the premiere yet?  
> I'm glad it came back when it did. Now it brings my show total up to 2.


	13. The Times They Are A-Changin'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I combined the originaal chapter 12 and half of 13 as it adds to the flow.

> You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, someone not everyone knows how to love.

-Warsan Shire

* * *

I plopped down beside her on the blanket. She kept a watchful eye on Bree as she played with another girl she met. Seeing Bree interact with someone outside of the family was interesting. She was open, trusting, and warm. I was amazed at how easily she could start conversing with a stranger.

“It’s mesmerizing. Bree has always been able to make friends upon meeting them. She came home from her first day of kindergarten raving about all of the new people she had met.”

“I wish I had been there.” She smiled sadly. “I was caught up in my life and let my relationship with them deteriorate. I thought I could make up for it with our time together in the summers, but Isla called me out on my shit. She told me it wasn’t enough.”

Claire sighed. “I had the feeling she would. Isla is a lot like me in that respect. She holds her anger close, so she doesn’t get hurt. She wanted to spare you until she realized she was hurting herself. I’ve seen her devastation. She puts on a good brave face, but her eyes are a give away.”

I wasn’t surprised by that knowledge after my talk with Isla. I watched her closely and saw how torn up she was by our conversation. “I needed to hear it,” I admitted. “I’ve made some poor excuses over the years. At the time, it all seemed important, but then she talked about her first recital and the father-daughter dance.” I was disappointed my own child felt that I was too busy for her. She was right. I put a lot of my focus on building up my business instead of being there for my children. “It kills me. They deserve better than me.”

“Ow!” I rubbed my aching arm and glared at Claire. “What in the hell was that for?”

“Stop having a pity party and figure out how to do better. You keep saying all of these things, but Jamie I’ve often found my biggest pet peeve with you is you lack conviction. You offer up all of these pretty words and then fail to come through.” She cut herself, holding herself back from further commentary. “I’m not going to do this here.”

“No, go ahead.” There was no better time than the present. This was something she had been holding in for a while.

“I promised myself I wouldn’t, but you’ve given me the go ahead. Look, you’ve made some promises to Bree and Isla over the year and then broke them. You told Isla you would come to one of her piano recitals, and it’s been nearly eight years since she started. With Bree, she’s forgiving well not really, but she pretends she’s okay. You promised to watch her soccer games.” She made a face. I chuckled as I knew it was about the use of the word soccer. “I’ve gone all American. That’s beside the point. Every time you let them down, it makes it that much harder for them to trust the value of your words. They love you and want you to be proud of them for all of their accomplishments, and while they would never admit it to me as I’m just their mother, they feel you don’t care about them and enjoy limited involvement in their lives. I know you and yes you’ve got your shortcomings, but I never thought you would be the type of father who skips out on promises.” Her face was red. “Sorry,” she mumbled unapologetically. She wasn’t wrong and I had never thought about it from their perspective. I needed to hear it from her more than anyone else to affirm that I was making the right decision.

The whole day was surreal. Being here with the two of them like this was like a dream, one I had never dared let myself hope for. We hadn’t taken a beach trip together since before Bree came along.

By the time Bree’s first summer arrived, we were having too many issues and on our way to divorcing. I knew that Claire took the girls to the beach every summer. They had gone up and down the east coast, but most of the time stayed at Claire’s house on Martha’s Vineyard. I was aware she had come into her inheritance/trust fund or whatever it was around the time the divorce was going through the legal system. She didn’t have to work, but Claire disliked being idle.

“I forgot how cold it could be even in the summer.” Her voice was soft as she shivered lightly, a result of the brisk sea air. “I’m used to warmer, sometimes humid summers.”

Appreciation swept through me at the swift change of topic. We were getting too heavy, and it wasn’t the time or place for any of that. I enjoyed this new dimension of her far more than the tentative, recalcitrant, quarrelsome side of her. It was nice to simply appreciate a moment without us aggressively at each other’s throats.

“I realized it’s the first time I’ve ever been to the beach with you and Bree.”

Her lips tipped up, but it was only a half smile. There was a hint of melancholy attached, and I understood it well.

She leaned back onto her elbows. “The first time I took Bree to the beach, her eyes were dazzled by the water. I swear they were the exact same blue. It was such a deep color, almost like cobalt.” I closed my eyes and tried to picture it. “Isla was three and managed to get away from me. She headed straight towards the water. My friend Mel caught her before she got too far. They were such water babies. The water was a bit cold, but it didn’t bother Bree at all. She laughed and splashed. She cried when we pulled her away, and stretched her arms out towards the water as if was beckoning her.”

A fond, nostalgic grin formed on her face. “Do ye have pictures?” Even if she didn’t currently have them on her person, I wanted to see them at some point. Claire sent me pictures every week, but not every moment I missed could be captured or sent.

She pulled out her phone. Her lock screen was a picture of Bree and Isla with Mickey and Minnie Mouse. I had similar one from when I took them to Disneyland. She scrolled through the years, and my heart clenched as it physically and mentally hit me how many more pictures and time she’d had with the them. It wasn’t her fault or anything, but it pained me to have the evidence presented to me. I had slacked in my role as a father.

She handed the phone over when she found the right folder. Bree was tiny; it was nearly impossible to believe she was the same girl fifteen feet away. In the picture, her eyes were fixated on something in the distance, and I assumed she had heard the call of the sea. There were tiny freckles dotting her nose. “We put a lot of sunblock on, but well the girls seemed to come home with more freckles.” I wanted to touch hers, which weren’t covered by make-up. I had to remind myself it wasn’t acceptable to do that. There were boundaries we couldn’t cross.

In another picture, Bree and Isla were in the sand giggling about something lost to time. Their eyes crinkled and heads tipped back. Bree’s hair was bright red, while Isla’s was darkening to the deep red color she had now. “They’re so wee.”

Claire nudged my shoulder playfully. “’They were. Sometimes I remember when Isla climbed into my bed every morning and we cuddled. It’s hard to get her to do it now. She doesn’t like it when I treat her like a baby.” I sensed the dismay she felt at the fact the lasses were growing up. “Bree is tactile though. She still crawls into bed with me on mornings I’m home. She hugs me in public and will hold my hand on occasion. Isla says I’m embarrassing. On weekends when I’m off, we watch movies in bed and eat ice cream.”

I easily pictured the life they were living, and I wished desperately I was a part of it. I didn’t have a relationship like that with them. “Yer house is lovely. The girls have given me some brief tours through our calls.” I had only been in the foyer and the family room, and that was ages ago.

She had found the house after the judge signed off on our divorce, but hadn’t moved in until after I was gone. She required a place closer to where she was doing her residency, and it was always the intention for us to find a bigger place for our daughters to grow up. The apartment was meant for a couple starting out or college kids needing a cheap place. It was never meant to be forever.

“It was strange when we first moved to the house. My mum moved in after we had settled in the house, so I got some friends to assist in moving furniture. I donated most of ours and bought some new pieces. I wanted a fresh start.” Her eyes flickered in my direction before moving back to our daughter. “I couldn’t sleep in the bed we shared anymore.” I nodded as a heaviness settled over me. “I actually slept on the couch for a while, or snuck into Isla’s room.” I winced at the thought of her sharp toddler limbs.

Isla was a mover in her sleep. We put her in the bed with us occasionally, and usually ended up with her above our heads or across our chests. One time she kicked me in my balls. It was excruciating. Claire took her out for the rest of that day as I iced my privates.

“We’ve been happy there and my mother has moved out. My mum thought it was time, especially as she’s not needed as much around the house.” I was surprised when Claire first dropped the news her mother was leaving England to cross the pond. Julia was a true Englishwoman and had never left her home for more than a few weeks. “She doesn’t want to move back to England, but I know she’s planning to spend a few months with Tom. I think she doesn’t want to leave me alone whereas Tom does have our family in France.”

“I heard he had a baby.”

Her eyes rolled in Bree’s direction. I knew she was aware of who dropped that particular bomb. “She meant well. She was excited to have a new cousin. She has all of Jenny’s kids, but it’s different when it’s her Uncle Tom’s. To be honest, I’m surprised he found a woman to settle down with.” I smirked at her appalled expression and bumped her shoulder with mine. “You know it’s true.”

“Yeah I know,” she laughed easily. I can’t explain the difference in us recently, but something changed the other day after our discussion. “She’s good for him though, and he seems to love her. Mum travels frequently over there, although Tom is possibly going to be transferred to Australia for his work.”

It was hard to imagine the acne ridden, angsty teen Tom as an adult. He was almost a year younger than me and could be quite the smart arsed punk. He constantly teased Claire and I for our relationship. He was also the first to note when we lost our virginity to one another.

_August 2001_

_I took Claire back to my home nearly a year after we met. She and Jenny had become quite good friends, often ringing each other, infringing upon my already precious time with her. I swore my sister was doing it on purpose._

_My Sassenach and I made the trek up to our spot where we could see the Broch and all of the rolling hills of the highlands. “It’s peaceful,” she hummed as I settled behind her. “I love it here. It’s so different from home.”_

_She leaned back into my chest as my arms wrapped around her. Her head turned and the light captured her just right. She was truly radiant. Her hair shone with streaks of auburn and her eyes were dangerously dark. She pulled her lip into her mouth, and my eyes tracked the motion._

_I gently tugged it out before taking her lips with my own. My tongue brushed against her lips and she opened up her mouth to give me access. I explored the depths of her sweet mouth and took all she had to offer. Her eyes fluttered shut the moment we made contact with each other._

_I never tired of seeing her reaction to my ministrations. We had yet to have sex, but we had done some exploration of each other’s body. Her head tilted as she pressed her lips harder to mine. I gasped at the change in pressure and my hands settled on her hips. My forehead rested against hers as we tried to steady our breathing. “Wow,” I grinned feeling immensely proud at her disheveled appearance. My hands worked themselves into her hair. The curls were a wild mess, but she never looked more beautiful to me._

_When I kissed her I saw possibilities. I saw picnics in the park, gazing at the stars, white dresses and tuxedos, and red haired children. I saw the future all wrapped up in her. I wanted it. I wanted everything with her. Most would say I was too young to know what I wanted, but I did. It was her._

_Then she stared at me peculiarly. It was a look I had never seen from her, but I would come to recognize in the future. “Jamie,” her voice was a soft whisper. “I want you to make love to me.”_

_My eyes nearly popped out of my head in surprise. It must’ve shown on my face because she placed my hand on her breast. “I want you, right here. This is the place where I saw a future with you for the first time. I want you to make me yours.” I raked my eyes down her body and hesitated._

_I didn’t want us to make any rash decisions. She was possibly reacting from the heat of the moment instead of rationally, and I didn’t want her to regret the loss of her virginity. “Are ye sure Claire?” There were moments where her name was required._

_We were having a serious one. I needed assurance that what was about to happen was what she desired. I had no intention of ever taking advantage of her. She nodded her head. Her dark stare was quite piercing in the fading sun. I laid her down on the blanket and kissed her. Our lips fell into a well-known rhythm. This was familiar. I could do this._

_It was going to happen. We were finally going to claim one another in a moment that would change the entire dynamic between. Neither of us required sex as the ultimate assurance of intimacy. We were close without it, but this step was a huge undertaking for us. It was a pledge, a promise between the two of us that what we had was real._

_I peeled the shirt off her body and openly gaped at the midnight blue bra and how it contrasted nicely with her fair skin. Her collarbone was littered with tiny freckles, and I peppered kisses across it. Her moans were music to my ears. Her hands were in my hair, pressing my face further into her skin. “Like that,” she groaned._

_I eventually moved my attention to her breasts. They were actually perfect and fit just right into my hands. I reached behind her to remove the clasp and slid the bra from her body. Her nipples were a dark rose color and puckered by her arousal. I had never seen them before as I kept my touching respectful during our make-out sessions. My hands never went under the shirt, no matter how much she begged otherwise._

_My hands slowly and gently covered her breasts. I squeezed, testing the pressure. Her eyes were shut, but I knew she enjoyed it. I lowered my mouth to capture a hardened nipple between my lips before fully latching on, lathering attention to the breast with my tongue._

_She wrapped her arms around my neck and called out my name as I divided my attention between her breasts. I wasn’t ignorant or naïve enough to believe I could get her to orgasm that way. I talked with my friends about how to pleasure a woman. I was extremely nervous, but Claire somehow had a way of making it all better. She eased my anxiety about the whole situation._

_Her body arched against my mouth as tiny pants left her mouth. Her pelvis gyrated against my abdomen and breathy sighs escaped her as she cried out “oh God.” I was hard, but I wanted to make it perfect for her. I needed for it to be a memory she wouldn’t forget and not one where clumsiness was involved._

_Her nails scratched against my scalp and her hips rotated beneath me. She required more now, and I was happy to oblige her. Her eyes opened and I saw my entire world in their depths. There was an intensity in those dark brown orbs. I was reminded of the earth and found myself rooted in the moment. I saw the warmth and I was like a moth to the flame. They glistened with mystery, but there was an overwhelming amount of love shining through._

_I was taken aback for a second. We exchanged I love you all the time, yet it was the first time I saw how much she meant the words. Her breaths came hard and fast, and I found myself in disbelief that this was my Claire underneath me. A year passed since fate interfered and I sat down with a beautiful girl on a long train ride home. The same gorgeous girl fell into my lap before her stop and a lovely pink color stained her cheeks at her embarrassment. It was in that moment I knew I wanted to know everything about her._

_I moved back to her lips and settled myself at the apex of her thighs. Aside from her lack of shirt and bra, we were still fully dressed. She wrenched her mouth away from mine and must’ve thought the same thing because she quickly divested me of my shirt._

_Her mouth latched onto available skin and she sucked hard. I knew she was marking me. A part of me was pleased she felt possessive of my body._

_My erection bulged painfully against my jeans, but I made no move to remove my pants. It was Claire once again who removed my jeans and observed how big I was just in my boxers. Her eyes were wide and I saw a bit of fear._

_While there were rumors about Catholic girls and their illicit activities, Claire was perhaps one of the most innocent girls I knew. Further along in our relationship, we talked about things of a sexual nature. She’d never even masturbated before because she felt guilt, good old fashioned Catholic guilt. It took several minutes and her steely glare before I stopped laughing at her. She didn’t appreciate my sense of humor._

_She was on birth control, so that part was handled. She had female issues, and I left the explanation at that._

_“We don’t have to do anything.” I told her as I planted tiny kisses on her neck. “I’m perfectly fine with what we have.” She shook her head immediately and slipped her jeans off. I gaped at the tiny panties she wore. They were the same blue color as her bra. I think I even gulped because we were actually going to do it._

_My hand brushed against her thigh and moved closer to her sex. I felt the heat emanating and swallowed my moan._

_I was going to be the first and hopefully the only person to know her so intimately. Slowly and carefully, I lowered her panties and they slid right off until she was revealed before me. She wasn’t_

_overly hairy, but she kept things neat. Her eyes were nervous and I planted a kiss on her stomach to reassure her._

_Soon enough my boxers were gone. There were no layers separating us. I sucked in a breath as I pitched into her. I couldn’t resist the warmth her body was offering. She was my siren, and her body was calling me to sea. I settled between the valley of her thighs. My erection nudged at her opening, but neither of us made a move._

_“I love you,” I murmured to her. I wanted her to know. “I don’t think I shall ever love a woman like you. We may be young, but Claire you’re everything to me, Sorcha,” I breathed against the sensitive skin of her long neck. She shivered against me._

_Our eyes locked and she grabbed me in her hand to guide me inside of her warm insides. Tears pooled in her eyes and her jaw clenched as I began to push inside. I paused as I saw a tear fall. “Are ye alright? Do ye want me to stop?” She shook her head and begged me to continue._

_As I slid inside, I was almost done in by how hot and wet she was. I had never known pleasure like this, and my friends couldn’t adequately describe what it felt like to be with a woman.They hadn't loved the girls they lost their virginity to which made all the difference. My experience was better because it was Claire, the woman I pictured the rest of my life with. I couldn’t imagine sharing it with anyone else except her. She was my salvation._

_Her eyes were squeezed shut, but I continued to press forward. I knew the moment her maidenhood was gone as she shed a few tears. I kissed them away. Once I was fully sheathed inside of her, I stilled to allow her time to adjust to me. I didn't want to cause her anymore pain._

_I had a difficult time of it because it was my first sexual experience. Aside from my hand, my cock didn’t see any action._

_Before that moment, I never noticed how small she was either. She was still a good seven or so inches shorter than me, but it never occurred to me. Her natural disposition made her seem larger than life. Also, her school uniform hid her figure and her regular clothes weren’t form fitting. She was generally insecure about her body, and my assurances didn’t really help. She claimed I was biased, which I was but I loved her body._

_She was lithe with sinewy muscles, although from what I couldn’t say. She did yoga, but generally speaking she wasn’t athletic._

_As I continued not to move, I tried to take in everything. I absorbed how her walls felt around me, how she clenched and how tight she was. She breathed deeply as her body attempted to relax at the intrusion._

_I brushed my lips against her eyelids down to her lips where my tongue sank into her mouth and I enjoyed her tongue playing with mine._

_The connection between us grew. I could almost sense what she was thinking and feeling. I tried not to get too excited about the fact I was actually inside of her. I wasn’t expecting anything more than some cuddling as the sun set, but Claire had a way of sometimes making things even better._

_She pushed into me with her pelvis and her hips rocked frantically. “Please,” was all she said._

_I knew it was time to move. I pulled almost all the way out before pushing back in slowly. I did this several times to help her adjust. My face ended up buried in her slender neck once again. I sucked the skin into my mouth and at one point I think I bit her. The rhythm was slowly and steady as the sun made its descent behind the hills. The light created a perfect effect, and I knew what was happening_

_would be permanently etched into my memory. Her skin glowed beautifully and her eyes were brighter than I'd seen them. She was a goddess._

_I lost myself in her. It was the feel, the smell, everything, all the tiny noises she made when I hit a particularly sensitive spot. When I thought about this moment since we started dating, I never imagined reality to be better than my dreams. Rarely in my experience did it happen._

_I stared down at her and watched as she drew her pleasure from me. Her curls were spread out under her on the blanket. Her eyes fluttered and her rosebud lips parted in ecstasy. I knew whenever it did happen, it would be perfect because it was us._

_She understood me in a way no human ever had. She was patient and attentive, and she loved every minute of the time we spent together. Even when we weren’t together, we were probably on the phone. I’d never connected with somebody on this level, and I wasn’t prepared for the emotions associated with this act. I knew then I would do anything for her as long as we lived. I wanted to make her happy. I would give anything to make sure she stayed happy._

_Her lips sought my own and we continued to kiss as our bodies moved together in the most natural way. I wanted her to understand how serious it was for me to do this with her here. I was making a commitment to her, despite the fact we were seventeen years old and most people would claim our relationship wouldn’t last. I needed her to know this wasn’t just for now but forever. My life and hers were forever intertwined._

_My movements sped up and she responded in kind. Her body met mine thrust for thrust. I slid my hand down to her bundle of nerves because I wanted her to come. She tightened around me and I almost came then._

_She smiled languidly at me as if there was no one in existence but the two of us. I lost myself in her. She plunged her tongue into my mouth as my lips descended upon hers. Her legs wrapped themselves around my waist as my pace quickened. As I was about to hit my plateau, her thighs clenched around me and she yelped as her body tensed and shuddered. No longer able to hold back, I gripped her hips and pumped into her a few more times before I released inside of her._

_My body fell on top of hers. My head rested on her soft mounds, and her fingers tangled in my curls. We simply lay there as we attempted to catch our breaths._

_It was such a beautiful and tender moment shared between the two of us. I’ll never forget the content expression on her face or the flush when she noticed all of the love bites I left on her. Although the pleased look on her face after she saw mine was more than enough for me to know how she felt about the marking thing._

_When I returned Claire home, Tom was there with a smirk. “Oy Jamie, were you mauled by an animal?” The collar of my shirt didn’t do much to hide the hickeys. “It must’ve happened to you as well Claire.” His eyes sparkled with mirth at the situation. “The police did say something about animal attacks in Scotland on the telly.” He doesn’t miss a beat before he adds a follow up. “ I had to call Jenny to make sure you weren’t attacked but I guess you were if your neck is anything to go by. She did say she heard some animal noises out there. Was it loud?”_

_Claire blushed and covered her face as her brother cackled. “You’re an arsehole and totally dead.” She lurched towards him and he darted around her._

I was reminded of how much time had passed. Tom was a husband and father. We didn’t keep in contact after the divorce. He wasn’t angry at me; he sympathized with my position. We were never as close as Claire and Jenny though, and in the end Claire was his sister.

After the funeral, he and I sat by the harbor and watched the ships come into port. We barely exchanged words. He seemed to instinctively understand what I required was silence to process what happened.

I never forgot what he told me.

_“Jamie, Claire’s mourning, but he was your son too. You’re allowed to hurt and cry, to feel pain. I know my sister and she feels she has a monopoly on feelings, but she doesn’t.” His mouth was downturned. “If you don’t survive as a couple I won’t blame you.” He was hyperaware of the issues in my marriage, but he wasn’t throwing it in my face. I was certain his sister, my wife vented to him. He was offering acceptance and resignation, I didn’t understand why._

“It’s weird because I think of Tom as the annoying little brother who called us out after we had sex the first time.” The words fell from her lips without hesitation. I was astounded she mentioned that day. It didn’t fall under our safe topics of discussion.

I watched as the sunlight hit her and was reminded of her youthful innocence that night. Part of her was still that girl who lost her virginity outside in the Highlands. There were so many pieces of her, and I wasn’t positive if I ever had any of her at all.

Bree squealed loudly as ocean water sprayed her. She and her new friend Caitlin were enjoying the water and the ease of youthful friendship.

“Tell me a story Claire.” Her eyebrows shot up. “One the girls probably haven’t. They edit their stories so they don’t hurt my feelings, but I want to know these things. Ye ken?”

She was perhaps the only person who did. I was under no illusions that our children redacted their adventures. I adored how protective they were of us, but at the same time disappointed they didn't want to share everything.

She pressed her body into the blanket until she was in a supine position. “Okay,” she licked her lips nervously. “When Bree was five, I took the girls to Disney World. We talked about doing it then because they’d were old enough to appreciate it and not need someone to carry them around.” I tipped my head in acknowledgement, while trying to fight my burning jealousy. It was always the intention when Isla was five, but then Bree came along and we modified our plans. I had taken them to Disney, but it wasn’t for their first time.

“We stayed at one of the resorts. I can hardly remember now because we’ve made a few trips now and the girls pick a different one each time. We took the ferry the first day, and I got to watch as their faces lit up when we walked through the gates. They saw the castle and their mouths fell open. It was different than seeing it on television. Their heads turned in every direction until they dragged me into the Emporium. I purchased their first pair of ears.” She pulled out her phone and scrolled through her photo app.

I stared hungrily at the image of my daughters at Disney World for the first time in their lives. They were standing with the castle in the background. This was after they spent the summer with me. I knew Bree had lost her front teeth shortly after an incident with a football. Bree was missing a few teeth and so was Isla. Their ears were firmly placed on their heads, arms were wrapped tightly around one another, and I saw the love they had and the excitement burning in their eyes. “They didn’t want the hats. They wanted something girly.” Her eyes crinkled in the corners as she laughed. “Somehow every time we’ve returned I buy them a new pair. They bring all of them so they can wear a different pair each day.” It wasn’t that surprising to anyone who knew our daughters. I was extensively familiar with the word accessories. “With Bree as tall as she is, we had no problems riding the rides in Magic Kingdom. We ate so much junk that day, but thankfully no one got sick. What made the experience for me was watching the reflection of the fireworks show in their eyes. They use the castle as part of the show, and they were completely mesmerized by the whole display. Actually they still are and it never gets old watching it with them.”

Another photo showed two tired yet completely wired little girls. Their heads were close together as they stared up in utter amazement at the sky. I saw an explosion of color in their eyes and could almost picture what the moment looked like in person.

“Bree fell asleep tucked into my side and Isla had her head in my lap as we took the ferry back across the lake. A woman next to us found the scene to be adorable and took our picture.” Tears pierced my eyes as I saw the three of them cuddled together.

Claire’s face was soft and motherly as she had an arm wrapped around Bree and the other in Isla’s hair. It was a beautiful scene of her loving our daughters. I wanted to kiss her, but I held back knowing she wouldn’t be receptive to the idea at all. She was engaged. It was a mantra I had to keep repeating. She hadn’t mentioned it, but from the smile that appeared when her phone rang and the wya she slipped out of the room to take her calls, it was serious.

Isla was relaxed in sleep, trusting her mother to protect her from the world. Her freckles were more apparent than usual against her sun kissed skin. I wasn’t aware she had the ability to tan. Bree had half her face buried in Claire’s chest with her mouth partially open. She still slept like that. “Thank ye,” I handed her back her phone.

“They love you. I know they’re probably different here, but they cherish this time. They start talking about their trip as early as February. By May, they’re begging for new wardrobes,” she rolled her eyes. “On the last day of school, they’re hyper and jumping around. This year their departure actually fell on the last day, and they were so excited. Overall, they don’t mind missing out on some things happening back home.” Her hand inched over to cover mine. “You’re a good father. They know you love them. They want you to be involved, so you’ve got to try. They’re only this age once and then it’s gone.”

I glanced skyward as I tried to control the onslaught of emotions coursing through me. It was some sort of role reversal or something. “I regret not being there enough. I missed a lot of their first. I’ve never seen them play sports, except for the videos recorded or when they play with their cousins. I don’t get to cheer them on like all the other dads.” She bobbed her head, a soft smile reserved for me. “I am proud of them. They’re amazing and the best things I’ve ever done in my entire life.”

“I don’t make it to every game, but all you have to do is try. You’re welcome in Boston whenever you like. You can visit at Christmas or Hogmanay if you’d like to see what it’s like when they’re in Boston. There’s loads of things I think they want to share with you. Halloween can be a bit of a nightmare with two indecisive girls who wait until the last minute to decide on their costumes. You could come then and take them out around the neighborhood. It’s an experience. They’re able to stay awake for longer than an hour now, and you’re the one tired by the end of the night.” My lips quirked up at her woes. “It’s one of the most exhausting things I’ve done, and one time, I got called in to do a double shift because all of the morons seem to pick that night to do stupid shit.”

“I’m amazed how you balance work and motherhood. I mean being a surgeon is one of the toughest jobs in the world but so is single motherhood. How do you do it?”

She blew a strand of hair of her eyes. “I’m not some saint and certainly not perfect. I make mistakes. The girls and I occasionally fight.” I tucked the loose strand behind her ear and she gazed at me gratefully. “I receive a lot of help from friends and my mother. Whenever I find myself getting upset with the girls, I take a breath and ask myself will it be important tomorrow? If I don’t find it to be I let it go.”

“As simple as that?” I questioned. I rarely had issues with the girls, but they were on their best behavior when here. To them, visits to me were a treat and so I received a different kind of treatment from them. Although there were times when their frustration with each other could no longer be contained.

She shrugged. “Not always, but I learned to pick my battles. It saves a lot of time and we have a rule to never let the sun go down on our anger.”

It was another one of those strange observations where I compared present Claire to the one of the past. She struggled to control her compulsive tendencies and the little things that aggravated her. Here in front of me was this relaxed version who let the small stuff go. She tried not to get worked up and found coping mechanisms to help.

I opened my mouth to ask her another question when Bree tackled me in a hug. Her clothes were soaked all the way through. Luckily, we packed her an extra outfit, foreseeing the inevitable. Claire was prepared for every eventuality and she knew Bree.

She placed her wet head on Claire’s stomach. The old Claire would’ve cursed at the coldness and the wetness, but instead her fingers ran through the knots of our daughter’s hair with a lazy smile. “How about some dinner and then we can go to the hospital to see your sister?”

Bree yawned tiredly as she snuggled into her mother with the rest of her body in my lap. “Sure,” she agreed. We shared contact information with Bree’s new friend’s parents, so the girls could keep in touch if they desired. “I’m really hungry.” She patted her tummy as it gurgled loudly. Claire laughed at her antics, her eyes filled with mirth.

**CPOV**

We waited until we were closer to the city to stop for food. Bree’s eyes were wide and bright as we entered the family friendly pub. I wasn’t sure what sorts of eateries Jamie took the girls to when they visited with him over the summer.

They generally skipped over the food, especially after they informed me about how he took them out somewhere to try haggis. Isla and Bree did not respond positively to the dish and vehemently swore to never eat it again. We went to a franchise pub I was familiar with for dinner.

The food was decent and inexpensive, which was what we were going for tonight. I tried to teach the girls the value of a dollar because I wanted them to fully appreciate what they had. We ate at expensive restaurants only for special occasions; also it wasn’t really our style. I enjoyed living a comfortable, laid back lifestyle when I wasn’t at work where everything was high stressed or I was expected to attend some charity gala.

Bree changed out of her swimsuit, t-shirt, and shorts into a white ruffled top and denim skirt overalls. I loved her outfit, and didn’t mind she refused my offer to help pick out clothes during the shopping trip. She threw on a cardigan over it.

She clutched Jamie’s hand as we waited to be seated. “Dad, did you know this is my first pub experience? I mean technically we went to the Leaky Cauldron at Universal, but that doesn’t really count.” Bree had a tendency to babble. She hated long silences. She was more talkative and outspoken than her sister, and never hesitated speaking her mind. “Mommy isn’t big on eating out, but she does let us get Postmates. So that’s nice. Mostly we can only eat out on weekends, but sometimes everyone is so busy that there’s no time to make dinner.”

“She wasn’t big on take-away when we were together either.” He caught my eye and winked playfully.

I hid my smile at his forwardness. “Yes, well how will you get all of the important vitamins and minerals?”

An impish smile appeared on her lips. “I don’t think you really need them” All of her teeth were on display as her smile widened. “Besides mommy, it’s vi-tamins, not vit-amins.” I rolled my eyes at her correction. From the moment she discovered the difference between my pronunciation of words and hers, she began to correct my incorrect version. She shook her head sadly, her red braids swinging with her.

Jamie tugged on one of them to tease her. “Lass, ye need all of that if you want to be strong and tall when yer older.”

“I’m already tall,” she informed him, affronted by his insinuation she was anything but. “Besides I’m strong too. I’m the best kicker on my whole soccer team.” Bree was a proud creature. It wasn’t without merit she was one of the best players on her team, but I had to teach her a little about humility to prevent her from constantly bragging about how good she was.

“You can always be stronger and taller,” he told her as he tickled her side. She squealed loudly drawing the attention of some of the other patrons.

I ignored them and checked my emails. It was strange being around him like this. Prior to the dissolution of our marriage, we hadn’t had very many family outings after Bree was born. We were too busy and drowning in our own perceived failures.

We stopped taking the time to arrange something, anything together. Instead I spent the weekends in the library, buried under hundreds of books, while Jamie watched the girls. During the week, I was at home when I wasn’t in class. I couldn’t say the last time the four of us did anything as a family, and besides when she was born, I don’t know when we spent time with Bree just the three of us.

At the time, we were running on instinct and primarily thinking of ourselves, and not how our decisions would affect the rest of their lives or ours. In a way, I was glad for the events that led to the present. I would never actively wish for my children to be injured, but it was giving us time to right some of our past wrongs.

We would never capture what we had in the past, but it was my fervent hope to rebuild the friendship we had to have a better co-parent relationship. I didn’t want him to feel as if he had to stay away to prevent us from reacting negatively in one another’s presence. Our daughters wanted and needed him in their lives.

Bree’s blue gaze peered curiously at the menu, and I watched as her brow dipped in uncertainty. As soon as I caught the children’s options I knew what she would order, but I allowed her to pretend she was considering all of the meals offered.

My youngest was less open to trying new foods and I didn’t begrudge her. She was picky from the moment she tried solids at seven months. Vegetables were her favorites, but she despised fruits. She didn’t have much of a sweet tooth except on the rare occasion when cake or mint chip ice cream was involved.

Her dentist was impressed with her brushing and the lack of decay. Isla on the other hand was the exact opposite. She hated flossing. She loved her junk food, and while she brushed thoroughly had come away with a few cavities. It amazed me constantly to see the ways in which they complemented each other’s personalities. They were night and day.

Jamie watched Bree with amusement. I wondered if he was aware of what would choose. “So what are ye thinking of ordering Claire?”

“Fish and chips,” I answered succinctly. He knew good and well there was no other place in the world where I would eat fish and chips. It didn’t quite capture the same sort of feelings if I ate it anywhere other than the British Isles. “I haven’t had it in some time.” I perused the drink options, and thought about ordering an ale.

“Why do they call them chips instead of French fries?” Bree settled her inquisitive gaze on Jamie. He knew random facts like that.

He smiled bemusedly at her question. “Well, it’s believed French fries, which are called frites in French, originated in France. So the Americans and Canadians call them French fries.” I saw the adoration Bree had for her father, and how impressed she is with the wealth of information he kept stored in his brain. “We just call them chips.”

“I still think’s it’s weird and you didn’t really answer my question. I mean chips are what you guys call crisps.” She wasn’t entirely impressed with his answer and it showed on her face. “So mom are we going on vacation when I get home?”

Her non-sequitur question caught me off guard resulting in me staring at her blankly for fifteen seconds too long. I shook my head, hair falling loose from my clip. “Sorry, uh well I don’t know. Isla’s injury has caused me to put a hold on our end of summer plans, but we might be able to make it out the house for a weekend” Apparently, it was the correct response because she squealed happily and began to list in detail all the things she planned to do when we got there.

“How long have ye been going?” Jamie asked me as Bree was in her own little chatter world.

I picked at my napkin. “Melody, a friend I made during my residency, she’s become my best friend actually. She helped me a lot after the divorce, and when summer rolled around invited me to her family’s summer house on the Vineyard. It took a lot of convincing on her part, but she wore me down. Then I bought us a house. It was a good investment.” I shrugged. 

“Aunt Mel is good at that.” Bree chimed in. “Like when Isla and I stay with her, she’s good at getting us to go to bed. We are also good at getting her to take us to fun places. We played paint ball last time and totally crushed her.”

Melody couldn’t resist their sweet faces and ignored their devious behavior. She knew they were manipulating her and didn’t care. She allowed them to talk her into everything from trips to the zoo to laser tag. They almost managed to convince her to take them to New York for the weekend. She rarely used the word no. “Anyway, we try to make the trip every summer. Sometimes we go for Memorial or Labor Day weekends. It depends on the year.”

His eyes were downcast, and I was terrified to ask what was wrong. I had an idea given our subject matter. For the both of us, we were realizing everything we were missing. Our daughters lived two different lives.

When they were with Jamie, they were someone else. They acted different and were a bit shyer. The time with him was precious and sacred because it was only a few weeks out of the fifty-two in a year. They had Christmas and Easter on alternating years, but it wasn’t the same as spending unlimited time with their dad. All of their time with him had an expiration date.

I hated how little time they spent with him, but there was nothing for me in England. I had a promising surgical career in Boston, and the girls had lives there as well. Everything they’d ever known was in America.

While I joked with my friends about them being Americans, I loved it. I couldn’t imagine them turning into Brits or Scots because it simply wasn’t who they were meant to be. I wish I knew a way where they could spend more time with Jamie, but three thousand miles was a formidable obstacle. It was hard to arrange with school, sports, and everything else they had going on. Money wasn't an issue either as we had plenty of that to spend on plane tickets, but it was unbearable to watch my daughters board the plane.

“Sometimes we go on ski trips with Aunt Mel too. Although I like snowboarding better,” she aimed the comment at me with am impish smile.

I wasn’t in favor of her learning, but Mel and her wife managed to convince me to allow her to take a few lessons. Jamie’s head swiveled towards me with a strange look on his face. “What?” I asked defensively.

“Ye let the lass snowboard?”

I wasn’t sure about his tone, so I barely contained the venom in my voice. I was trying to remain amicable for Bree’s sake. She didn’t deserve two argumentative parents after basking in her solo day with us. “Yes, she takes lessons with an experienced instructor. She’s quite good too. I told you about it.” I stuck out my chin, daring him to question my authority as Bree's primary parent. I would never allow the girls to participate in anything if I feared they would end up injured. There was a risk in everything.

He backed down and his shoulders slumped sadly. He looked a bit pathetic and I sighed. “Winter sports are something New Englanders do, and I want to give them all the experiences I can provide. Isla prefers skiing. We’ve been going for five or six years now.” I was certain I informed him about her taking lessons. He was likely passively listening as I told him about their upcoming activities. “I’m not trying to shut you out. I swear I told you and I’m sure Bree did.”

Bree had a repentant expression and realized she neglected to mention it. I never wanted her to look like that again because it wasn’t her fault she was caught between two divorced parents. I settled my hand on her leg and gave it a tiny squeeze. “I’m sorry daddy. Sometimes we also just forget you know. When we call, we get excited to talk to you, but there’s so much always going on and we can’t tell you everything.” The sorrow on her face caused my heart to skip a beat. “I didn’t mean to lie.”

“Hey Brianna,” Jamie tipped her chin up. “Don’t ever feel guilty. I guess sometimes I forget how much time passes before I see ye again. I’m glad yer mam gives yer sister and yerself such amazing experiences.” His tone indicated he was the one with the guilt and I shared the sentiment. “Now tell me about snowboarding.”

The server brought out our food by the time Bree finished regaling her father with stories about snowboarding. She wiped out a few times when she first began and wanted to quit almost immediately. I held her to her promise though. We made a deal that if I paid for lessons, she had to complete them for the season. We would re-evaluate at the end of winter if she wanted to continue the next season.

“This winter I get to do a lot more. My instructor wants me to move up to a different slope.” We were going to purchase her first snowboard. “Mommy says I also get to pick out my own snowboard. She feels I’m responsible enough to take care of my equipment and cause renting can get expensive.”

Jamie wore a thoughtful expression and his eyes showed he was light years away throughout the rest of our meal.

Bree drifted off to sleep as soon as we were on the road. I knew it would happen. Cars always lulled her to sleep. “I’m sorry about the thing. I really do forget the lasses have all these adventures when I’m not around.” I noticed his upturned palm and before I talked myself out of it, I slid my fingers through his. His hand was warm and familiar in my own. I enjoyed the rough feel of his palm against mine.

If he was surprised, he didn’t show it. “I feel the same when they’re here. We don’t do anything out of the normal though. We take a few holidays, but most of the time we are running around from one activity to the next. Isla plays both field hockey and softball, and luckily has yet to pick up a winter sport. She has piano lessons, but it’s through the school and her one lesson on Saturday. Bree plays football all year round. She plays for her school and club, and the club requires her to travel to tournaments. Club sports occur outside of school. It’s much more competitive than the school teams.”

I rarely had the opportunity to attend her tournaments. I hoarded my vacation days so I could take the girls places. My days off rarely coincided with her games. It was a relief to have my mother around, but sometimes Bree traveled with a friend’s family because we simply couldn’t manage to take her. I’ve made it to a few tournaments with a bit of luck and maneuvering, convincing coworkers to cover my shifts in exchange for taking over their midnight shifts. I wanted to support her as much as I possibly could.

“Is she good? I’ve seen the videos, but it isn’t the same as seeing it up close.”

I considered his question. I was perhaps biased because she was my child. “She is. She’s highly competitive and not the slightest bit humble. Sometimes she displays poor sportsmanship, but she’s improved on that as she’s gotten older. She congratulates the other teams on a well played game and means it. Her team actually chose her as their MVP at their banquet at the end of spring.”

Bree cried when they announced whom all of her teammates voted for as the most valuable player of the season. She was in a daze as she made her way to the front of the hall where she thanked all of her friends and coaches. She placed the trophy on the center of her shelf. It was the most important trophy in her possession because it was decided upon by her teammates.

Jamie’s lips turned up at the corners in a paternal smile. “How about Isla? Field hockey and softball aren’t the same at all.” I chuckled.

“Isla has the same competitive spirit, but she focuses more on strategy. She pitches for her school team. She used to play outside of school, but now practices run so late into the day, she stopped. As for field hockey, she picked it up in the sixth grade. She went to a few games because her school mentor was on the team. Then she decided she wanted to play. If you walked into my house, you would find sports equipment everywhere. The girls are terrible at putting their belongings away. Cleats rarely end up in the hall closet. Sports bags are dropped by the door.” I rolled my eyes at the girls’ messy natures.

I was constantly on them about picking up after themselves because I wasn’t their maid. I wanted them to learn how to take care of their things. “Luckily, we don’t have a yard or the girls would be leaving their things in the garden. If they want to practice, they go to the park a few blocks away, or to one of their friends’ houses.”

“Do they have a lot of friends?”

Did they ever? “Sometimes I think it’s too many. On any given weekend, I have hoards of adolescent girls running through my house. Some of them are from the neighborhood, but most of them are from school. We attend the same church with most of them.” It took a while for us to depart from the church parking lot after mass thanks to their constant socializing. “I’ve become quite good friends with their friends’ parents. It helps when my mum has other plans.”

“Isla has her piano, which will help keep her distracted until she recovers. So at least she won’t be bored out of her mind.”

He nodded and for the remainder of the drive was silently contemplative. I wanted to ask him about his thoughts, but I didn’t feel as if I had the right any longer. Ten years ago, I would’ve asked and there wouldn’t be any hesitation in his response.

When we pulled into the parking lot, I glanced back at Bree. Her head fell on her shoulder and her rosebud lips were slightly parted. “I’ve got her, ye can go check on Isla. I know you want to.” I smiled gratefully at him and made my escape.

“Auntie Claire!!” A brown haired blur nearly bowled me over with her enthusiasm.

I gently pulled back and was met with the sweet face of Maggie Murray. I couldn’t help but stare at her because she had grown into a lovely young woman. Her hair was still strawberry blonde, and it was longer than it had been in her youth. Then, she preferred short cuts as she traipsed after her older brother and his friends. Her mind solely focused on keeping up with all the boys in the village; she had no patience for cute hairstyles involving plaits and ribbons. Jenny tried a few times to corral her into a dress only to be met with complete failure.

“Look at you, you gorgeous girl,” I placed my hands on her shoulders and stared at her. I knew when she was born she would turn into a beautiful girl with Jenny as her mother. “You’ve grown so much.” Jenny sent pictures of the kids, but it wasn’t the same as being there and seeing them in person. Maggie had gotten taller since I last saw her, not that I hadn’t expected it.

I’d known Maggie from the second she was born. I’d known all of them except for Ian since they were little babies. I was still in awe that Jenny gave birth when I was there. I was the only one with Jenny at the time and we had to rush to the local hospital. Ian made it just after the birth, and Jenny allowed me to hold her first. She was tiny and I was convinced I would hurt her if I touched her. I was honored to be the first official person to hold her warm body in my arms.

I was twenty at the time, and Jamie and I were a ways off from being married. “Wow Aunt Claire, I love yer hair.” She gushed happily as her fingers raked through my hair. Her blue eyes sparkled merrily and I was reminded of a rambunctious toddler hanging onto my every word and plastered to my leg at all times. “Ye look so good.” Her gaze was appraising and proud. “Mam told me ye had a boyfriend?”

I flushed hotly under her knowing gaze. I was unaccustomed to this sort of directness from her. “Yes well we don’t need to discuss my personal life at this particular moment.” I kept my tone stern for her to understand my meaning.

Her pretty eyes rolled in her head much the same way Isla’s tended to do when she thought I was being dull. “Fine but I want to ken about him later.” Her eyes lowered to my ring and she winked.

I smiled fondly at her and kissed her cheek.

“Aunt Claire, you’re actually here.” Kitty was the image of her mother. “Mam said you’d be here later, but we weren’t sure if we’d see you before we left. Ye ken since ye were out with Uncle Jamie.” She waggled her eyebrows, her sister flicked her head. Bickering broke out between the two of  
them.

“Don’t be an ignoramus.”

I covered my laughter with a cough. “The two of you will never stop arguing.” I shook my head at the familiarity. From the moment, Kitty started talking and a bit before that, the two girls rarely if ever got along. Their personalities clashed. They barely agreed on any topic, and I assumed they were intentionally contradictory because they could be.

“Where’s Uncle Jamie?” Maggie peered over my shoulder as if her uncle would magically appear.

I smoothed her hair down. “He’s with Bree. She’s tired after a day at the beach, and fell asleep in the car after we stopped for a bite to eat.” The girls nodded in understanding. They had younger siblings. “I’ve missed you two though.” I gently cupped their sweet faces and thought about how funny time was.

It was perhaps the most studied concept in the entire world, and yet as humans we barely scratched the surface of how it worked. Time ebbed and flowed and existed outside of our understanding. I’ve known the two young women before me since they were newborns, yet somehow time escaped me and they grew. They were well on their way to adulthood. The roundness of youth almost gone from their faces.

_I recalled the sterility of the room. The walls were a standard white, the lights bright and fluorescent, and the smell of antiseptics. I heard the squeaks of soles on the linoleum floor as doctors, nurses, visitors, and other hospital staff traveled. The dull sound of the intercom echoed across my memory as Jenny squeezed her eyes shut._

_“Ah Dia, Claire where’s Ian?” The pain radiated in her voice as sweat dripped down her face. I almost smelt the salt heavy in the air from her physical exertion._

_Aside from a video in one of university courses, I’d never seen a woman give birth. I was slightly horrified by the scene displayed before me. The veins in Jenny’s hands were visibly as her hands tightly clutched the sides of her bed. Her toes clenched as each contraction passed. She was already nine centimeters dilated as labor came on quicker than with her pregnancy with Jamie._

_I scooped out an ice chip and held it to her cracked, dry lips. Her eyes shown with heavy exhaustion and new lines appeared on her face. On the inside, I vibrated with anxiety. I wasn’t equipped to deal with my not quite sister-in-law in this condition. I tenderly offered my hand for her to grasp, hoping to provide some sort of comfort._

_My hand spasmed painfully in her hold, but I kept silent. It was as if I were in a horror film as the birth progressed and the blood appeared. Despite studying medicine, I wasn’t mentally prepared for what happened next._

_Jenny and the baby were in distress as the contractions became more intense. Something was wrong as her breathing quickened; the doctor ordered oxygen. They were going to deliver the baby via C- section as they suspected the cord was around her neck. Her heart rate slowed each time Jenny tried to push. “Jenny, we’re going to prep ye for surgery. We need ye to stop pushin’.”_

_Her frightened eyes met mine, and I swallowed nervously as I watched a line of sweat fall down her face. “I promise I’ll be right there with you Jenny.”_

_I can’t say what happened next as the world seemed to spin around me. It was quick and disorienting, and clarity only came the moment a baby cried out for the first time. I marveled at the slimy, mucus covered baby. She was covered in birth matter, but somehow I found her to be the most beautiful creature I’d seen in my life._

_They held her up for Jenny and then placed the infant on her stomach as they prepared to take out the afterbirth. “Claire,” Jenny addressed me directly. Her eyes were clear and focused, quite surprisingly for a woman who just gave birth. “Would ye mind cuttin’ the cord?”_

_I gaped at her, my mouth popping open in an undignified and unattractive fashion. “Y-y-you really want me to?” I stuttered over my words, but I was in shock. She nodded her head and the doctors clamped the umbilical cord. A nurse showed me where to cut._

_A few tears slid down my face as I cut the physical connection between Jenny and the baby. They took the newborn to clean her up._

_She was returned with freshly cleaned pink skin and strawberry blonde curls. “I want ye to hold her first because without ye, I would’ve been all alone. I want to make ye godmother, if that’s alright with ye?”_

_They placed the warm, solid weight of the baby in my arms and my heart melted. I promised her I would do anything to help make sure she lived a happy, healthy life. “You’re such a gorgeous girl,” I cooed softly to her. She mewled her agreement before her mouth began to root around. I knew what she wanted and carefully transferred her into her mother’s arms for her first feeding._

It was later that Jenny and Ian told me their daughter’s name was to be Margaret Claire as they couldn’t imagine naming their child after a better woman. I felt a rush of uncontrollable emotion. I recalled turning away to discreetly brush away some tears. I attributed it to my hormones going wild in the presence of a baby.

There was a shuffling noise behind me, and I spun on my heel to find Jamie behind me with a sleepy Bree in his arms. She made a snuffling sound against his neck and tucked her head in tighter. I knew the feeling he was experiencing as I've carried a sleeping Bree. Sometimes I still picked her up and relished in the contentment of her in my arms. She was almost too tall for me to continue doing it, but she was my baby.

“Uncle Jamie,” Maggie greeted happily, a warm smile on her face. “Did ye have a great day at the beach with Aunt Claire and Bree?” I detected something more than a simple inquiry in her tone.

Jamie glanced briefly at me before focusing his gaze on his niece. “Yes, it was enjoyable.” There was confusion on his face.

“We should wake up Bree, otherwise she’ll never go down tonight.” He nodded absently and began to rub her back to rouse her.

“Brianna,” he crooned to her in a soothing tone. His voice a low murmur as he helped our daughter transition into the land of consciousness. Bree pulled back with mussed hair, creases in her face from the car and sleepy eyes.

She slowly slid down her father, and stumbled slightly as she tried to acquire her balance. I found her half awake state to be one of the most adorable qualities about her. “Why don’t you pop in and say hello to your sister?” Her head nodded. I wasn’t sure if she heard what I said. I placed a kiss in her hair as she walked passed me.

Her cousins guided her into the room, leaving Jamie and I alone. I was disconcerted in his presence. The day was lovely and reminiscent of days long past. “How much did you hear?”

His eyes shifted to a point behind me as he pursed his lips. “I kent about yer boyfriend or should I say fiancé.” There was something peculiar in his voice, but I didn’t know what to make of it. “Congrats,” his lips tipped up into an almost smile.

I glanced away, not prepared to have this particular conversation with him. I was avoiding it and waiting until I was back on my own territory to share the news. His reaction was a wild card, and I would rather deal with that unpredictability on the phone as opposed to in person. I didn’t want to hurt him. This was big for us as it further pulled us apart. He would no longer be the only person I married. There was someone else. With the last few days, everything had gotten confused and we had established a closeness between us, but I couldn’t go there with him. He deserved happiness. It wouldn’t be with me. I had resolved myself to that years ago.

“Can I be honest wit’ ye Claire?” I quirked a brow at him, nodding. “I’ve been back stateside a few times since our divorce and not related to medical emergencies or work related.” My mouth was dry all of a sudden, and there was a vicious knot in my stomach. I felt the dredges of anxiety gnawing at my insides. When had he come back? Did he come back for me, or was it for our children? The last thought was my guiltiest. Why didn't he say anything to me? Did I mean so little? Had he realized I wasn’t worth the effort? Why am I thinking about this? I’m engaged to another man. This shouldn’t matter, but it did.

He grabbed my hand with a furtive glance at Isla’s room before dragging me down to the family room. Luckily, there were no occupants currently in the room and he situated me in a seat, realizing I had yet to move past his last sentence.

“Explain.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are getting somewhere. You'll begin to see things unfold soon, but some of the major changes are on the horizon. Thanks for reading :)
> 
> Also if any of you speak french, do you think you could help me with some translations. You can leave your email in the comments and I’ll delete it.


	14. Sign of the Times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Snow day!  
> Although, most of the snow has already melted, but where I live, as soon as it snows practically everything shuts down. I might post again this weekend, but if I don't, have a wonderful weekend.

**JPOV**

I ran my hands nervously through my hair as she stared at me with those dark eyes of her. There were flecks of green, and I found myself in a forest. I had never noticed them. I was realizing there were a lot of things I hadn’t noticed about her. Did I ever have the full picture?

Her face was dangerously tight. It wasn’t the time to wax poetic. She wanted answers about my unaccounted time in America.

_September 2012_

_Surreal was the word that perfectly described my life. Nothing had gone to plan and the last three years exemplified that. Moving home had provided the balm to soothe my soul, but hadn’t cleared it of the perpetual ache I experienced when my thoughts inevitably drifted to her. Some days it was easy enough to distract myself and keep busy so I wouldn’t think about her. Others were a test of mental strength and endurance._

_Often it seemed as if I were living in a never-ending dream state, that this wasn’t my life. Those days had become fewer from a licensed professional’s help, but still she nagged at me. I tried to forget her, at least the parts of her that weren’t the mother of my children._

_She made it distinctly clear where we stood the last time we were together outside of our joint parental responsibilities. “Stop Jamie, this- this… it can’t… no it doesn’t work. What are we doing?” I knew whatever answer I provided, it would be unsatisfactory to her ears. She was searching for a quick escape, and found a way to stump me in the process. “We agreed. You agreed not to do this.”_

_I released her after that as I intended to keep my promise to her. I had sworn I would let it go and follow her rules. We created them for a reason and as a contingency in case one of us got any ideas. It was another way for her to keep structure to her life and prevent any of our messiness from slipping in. So I turned away unable to bear the sight of her walking away from me. We had been here too many times. It never got easier. The weight on my chest felt heavier than ever._

_With the passage of time, I thought I could finally rid myself of her once and for all. She and I weren’t meant to endure the test of time. I had to force my mind into that line of thinking to lift the heaviness off of me. The problem was that despite my continued efforts to push her from my mind and soul, she was still there._

_There was nothing for me to do except go to her. It was my only solution. We had things to work out and it was time we finally addressed it instead of pussyfooting. Her calls were shorter with me than they had been. She limited our talk time to a minute or less before she was passing the phone onto our children. She was conveniently ‘out’ running errands when I made one of my bi-weekly video calls. I was aware of what she was doing._

_She was avoiding me. I knew that. I understood it. Everything that happened couldn’t be processed at the snap of a finger. It was still unbelievable to me what transpired, but I never pegged Claire as a coward._

_The situation was overwhelming and confusing enough without her avoidance of the issue involved. I was conscious she likely thought differently about it than I had, and I was perhaps making something out of nothing. A part of me couldn’t let it go. It was unresolved and I hated to leave things like this between us. I hated feeling unsettled._

_I couldn’t forget what happened. My brain refused to erase it, but I needed to know what it meant to her, if it meant anything. Did we have a future?_

_On a whim, I booked a ticket to Boston. I lied and told Jenny I was going to France to conduct business when I was going much further to handle personal affairs. I was taking the advice she gave me and running with it. Hopefully I wasn’t burned in the process, but I had to try. This was my chance to fix it. We made a dog’s breakfast out of our relationship and everything after our divorce worsened it._

_Before I knew it, I was there. I was in the place where it all ended. I couldn’t fault the city as some of the best moments in my entire life happened here. This was where Claire and I settled as husband and wife. Our children were born here. They were growing up here._

_Claire had given me the address when she moved residences. It was where my family and I sent all of our gifts for Brianna and Isla. While reluctant to share at first, Claire grudgingly told me it, so I knew where my children resided. I knew if it weren’t for the two humans we created, she would’ve severed all ties with me._

_My course of action was to show up on her doorstep._

_As the cab slowed to a stop, my eyes moved to the brown house with the tiled roof. It was bigger than anywhere I knew Claire had resided. She had lived in flats her entire life. She told me when we had kids, she wanted somewhere where there was a big garden for our children to play and us to have barbecues. She didn’t want our children surrounded by the loudness of the city._

_As I paid the driver, I had to say the house was perfect for her. I had pictured, perhaps not something exactly like it, but similar. There were flowers lining the path and chalk drawings covered the pavement._

_I saw Isla’s distinct handwriting. She was practicing writing her letters and numbers. She had done that all summer whenever she had access to paper and pencils._

_I spotted the bike my nearly six year old daughter spoke in great detail about after her last birthday. It leaned against the detached garage with Isla’s helmet hanging off the handlebars. Bree’s tricycle was next to it. A pang of sadness hit me when I recalled Isla’s excited chatter when I answered her late night call (late for me). She proudly recounted her first time without her training wheels. She scraped her hands, but the best part was she got back on even though it was super scary. Her words not mine._

_Claire managed to convince her she would be fine and wouldn’t let go of the bike until Isla told her to do so. At first, Isla was petrified, but as she grew comfortable with the constant pedaling and balancing herself, she told her mom it was okay. She circled the block with Claire at her side, and only fell one more time. She even got back on by herself and started herself off without her mother’s help._

_I cheered for her, but my insides were tearing me apart. I should’ve been nothing but proud of my daughter, yet a piece of me was envious that it wasn’t me. I wasn’t there to catch her if she fell. I didn’t teach her how to ride a bike, or go with her to pick up the bike. There were all these moments that I was missing._

_Unfortunately, it couldn’t be helped anymore with me in the process of starting a business with my cousin. I didn’t know how I would make it work as the whole trip was a whim, a long-awaited one at that. We would have to figure it out as we went along._

_I walked up the path, anxiety pooling in my stomach. I rubbed my palms on my jeans to rid myself of some of the extra perspiration. I shook out my hands to clear myself of the nerves. “You can do this,” I muttered._

_Standing in front of the door nearly sent me into a mass hysteria. I was actually there. I was standing in front of Claire’s door. I was doing this. I rang the bell and waited. Turned out, I didn’t have to wait too long._

_A man answered the door. I frowned, wondering if I had mixed up the addresses, but then remembered the bikes and chalk drawings. This was the right place._

_The man had cropped brown hair and was around my height and build. His eyes were brown and his skin had a golden hue. “Can I help you?”_

_“Er… um I’m looking for Claire.”_

_His face turned apologetic. “Oh man, sorry but she’s out of town for the week. Did you want to leave her a message?”_

_Was this her boyfriend? Why was he here if she wasn’t?_

_“Is Julia around?”_

_Again his face was regretful as he informed that she was out of town. “Maybe come back next week, I’m really sorry. It’s just I’ve got to pick the kids up from school.” The kids as in my children who were in this unknown man’s care._

_I wanted to make a rude remark, but he hadn’t done anything to deserve my ire. “No, it’s alright. I got some wires crossed. Thanks anyway.” I turned away and heard the click._

_I was a fool._

“You traveled to Boston and didn’t send me a heads up. What the hell? If you had left a message, I would’ve gotten back to you. I was in France at my cousin’s wedding, which is why my mom was gone. Jackson was Isla and Bree’s babysitter. He’s a friend. They still spend time with him. I love him,” my face froze. “Like a brother. If you had said something, I could’ve arranged for you and the girls to spend time together.”

I really was a fool.

I covered her hand with mine. “Well I hadn’t told anyone about the trip if it makes ye feel any better.”

“Wait... you said there was another visit.” Her eyes were probing and I sighed.

“There were two other ones.” I admitted to her. “The first was before ye moved to yer townhouse. It was months after I moved back to Scotland. I knocked on the door, but someone else answered.” A divot formed between her brows as she stared at me in confusion. “It was a man.” Her brow furrowed further.

“What did he look like?” I described him, and her face dawned in understanding. “Oh, that was Sebastian. He’s gay, but not in an obvious way. We were in a study group together, and sometimes he came over to watch the girls. You should’ve called. You probably believed me to be promiscuous with all these men who have only ever been friends. ”

My face flamed in embarrassment. “It explains some of his comments.” He was hitting on me. I interpreted the events differently as him comparing us. “Well I feel like an arse.”

She doubled over in laughter when I recounted some of the things her friend said to me. She wiped tears from her eyes, and I grinned at the ease of our exchange. She sat up when she realized i still had one more visit I hadn’t explained yet. “Jamie, what happened during your last one?" Her face was serious, and I suspected she knew I was reluctant to share this particular visit.

_January 2014_

_I spent all of Hogmanay thinking about Claire and the things left unsaid between us. I realized one day there was a huge river between us. It was dark and deep and full of the secrets we hid from one another. I stood on one side of the shore, and she stood across from me._

_As time passed, the gap widened. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get across to the other side. There was such a divide between us, and I didn’t know when it began. Through it all though, I found my love for her remained in its’ purest form._

_If anything, it grew over time. In the beginning, there was nothing except my crippling sadness and defeat. I knew it was a mistake the moment I stepped on the plane. I wanted to get off, but it was too late. By the time I arrived in Scotland, puffy and red eyed, I couldn’t go back. I wasn’t in the right sort of mind set to make a desperate plea to my ex wife. It would’ve been a step back in the wrong direction. I couldn’t go back into the war zone._

_I was aware of what her eyes begged me in that room. She glanced at me and it was if everything else fell away but the two of us. We were the only two people in the entire world. I saw my world in those brown orbs of her, and my hands clutched my thighs desperately as I tried not to stall her hand from signing. I noticed the hesitation as she took the pen in hand. The tension in the room thickened, and I chickened out. She presented me an opportunity to cancel the whole proceeding, and I did nothing but watch her sign documents terminating the life we created together. When we went before the judge, I remained silent as our lawyers did all the talk for us._

_I was still stuck on the day where it all became real. It was no longer negotiations and somewhat civil discussions._ _I looped my name on official documents and watched her leave. She disappeared into the rain, leaving me bereft and helpless. It didn’t take long before I realized she was the missing piece I left behind._

_I walked around for months empty on the inside and trying desperately to find what was no longer there. At night, my heart attempted to claw itself out my chest to return to the rightful owner. Some mornings when the feeling of loneliness was too much, my stomach gurgled and nausea set in. It wasn’t long before I was on my knees in front of the toilet. I clutched desperately at the edges as the contents of my stomach erupted from me._

_I visited my doctor who informed it was a response to the stress and the changes in my life. He recommended therapy for me and printed a list of some therapists in the area. I thanked him profusely. Months passed before my weekly morning activities ceased._

_The problem with my departure was the way in which we left things unsettled between us. There was no proper resolution, merely two strangers sitting across a table, allowing their lawyers to discuss their personal matters as if they hadn’t spent the better part of nearly ten years together. Communication was one of the first things to disappear in a dissolving relationship and that had been the case for us._

_I was bitter. My memories were tinged with something characterized as melancholic and an unidentifiable amount of rage directed at her. I didn’t want to remember Claire that way. I also didn’t want to recall the shadow of the woman I knew. A black cloud hung over me and followed wherever I went to rain down on whatever happiness I dredged up._

_After four and a half years, I screwed up my courage and braced myself for another trip to Boston. It took countless hours on a couch talking to my therapist for me to arrive at the conclusion I could live without Claire. I had done so now for about as long as we were married. We were co-dependent after we moved to America, and we had developed poor habits when dealing with the unsavory aspects of a relationship. While I disliked saying it, our break-up had forced me to change. I had to work on myself._

_However, my ultimate realization was I didn’t want to be without her. I simply couldn’t find the desire to want to bridge the distance we forced between ourselves because we couldn’t bear to stare across a kitchen table or share a bed with someone we considered a stranger._

_Only I was self-aware enough to understand we weren’t strangers. We were lost. When the river flooded, we ended up on different banks. We couldn’t find a way to be together because we couldn’t meet in the middle. We’d arrived at all sorts of conclusions and made accusations that in my darkest moments I wanted nothing more to take back. Regret was an acrid, bitter taste in my mouth._

_I imagined she felt similarly as in the moments following a passionate discussion, I saw in the hollowness of her eyes the shame and remorse seeping through as we both paused to catch our breaths. Our chests heaved with the righteousness of our anger and the justification of our words. We used our words as weapons with our aim direct and true. There were no white flags to wave as we went for all or nothing in battle._

_We aimed and fired without a single thought of consideration for the other as we believed ourselves to be the right one and justified in our actions. The problem was we were wrong. We blamed, yelled, pushed, pulled, and ultimately cried as we dragged one another below the water. We nearly drowned as we reached our opposite sides of the shore._

_She sat on her side drenched, coughing up lung fulls of water as her eyes hurled angry accusations. She spewed her venom until her eyes dimmed with despondency, her shoulders sagged in loss as she laid back on her side. The silence dominated us as we eventually turned our backs on one another. If I didn't face her, I didn't see the sadness. I didn't have to see how she dug listlessly in the sand, searching for something that wasn't there any longer. I could ignore her._

_I finally understood love wasn’t a possession. Part of me wanted to consume Claire, to own every piece of her. I struggled constantly with this aspect of my personality during my sessions. I feared deep down she didn’t need me like I needed her. She was bold, confident, and not afraid of braving the world on her own. I followed her because she was sure of her direction. She'd known from a young age what she wanted out of her life, while I went into the unknown making decisions based on feelings of rightness._

_Therapy taught me how to look at the bigger picture instead of only focusing on the little moments. Claire’s love was a gift, one she bequeathed to me and could be taken back when she desired. It was a weakness of mine to want to wrap her up in my love and keep her for myself. The problem was she wasn't a woman who required a man at her side. She certainly enjoyed having me there with her to support and cheer her on, but she could survive without my love just as I could without hers._

_I learned perspective and saw she was trying to give as much of herself to me as she could without losing herself in the process. She had her own issues, and I never took the time to think about how she felt about the news of the pregnancy. I was absorbed with my own thoughts about the news and poorly handled the situation. In hindsight, it was a shock to the two of us as we weren't planning on another kid for at least a few years if ever. Our lives were hectic with the two children we already had, work, and school. Adding another child to the equation would've made our situation messier. Then she lost the baby, and I regretted every horrible thought that flew through my head during those precious months she carried Gabriel. There was the Britney of it all and Claire’s pushing me away._

_When I went to see her,_ _I knew she was at the hospital as Bree told me her mom was working a long shift and staying overnight in the room with all the beds. I took a cab straight from the airport to Mass General. I needed to bare my soul to my Sassenach. I wanted her to know the depths of my soul, and for her to fully comprehend everything I had was still hers if she wanted. I had worked on myself and was willing to put in the effort to make sure we would last this time forever._

_The hospital was a hot bed of excitement as ambulances pulled in and out of the bay. Employees went to and fro. People crowded around injured loved ones or sat in the waiting room for news. I walked up to the nurses’ station where a woman around my age sorted through charts._

_“Fill out this paperwork and wait for someone to call you back,” she hadn’t lifted her eyes at all._

_I cleared my throat, waiting patiently for her to meet my eyes. “Actually, I’m looking for Dr. Claire Fraser.”_

_Her gaze was appraising and made me feel vaguely uncomfortable. “I think she’s in cardiology.” She gave me directions to my destination. I thanked her for her assistance before quickly departing. I sensed her attraction, then again she wasn’t subtle, but I wasn't going to give her false hope when there was someone else plaguing me._

_There was no need to make it all the way to cardiology. I spotted her from a distance. The problem was she wasn’t alone. She sat beside a blonde haired man as he told her something or other and made her laugh. She threw back her head in a carefree manner and her laughter rang out across the room. I forgot how rich the sound was and how it could lift me out of my darkness. She hadn't laughed like that in my presence in years. Our conversations were stiff and formal and centered around our shared children. She made it clear after the last time we shifted our focus onto ourselves that the relationship we had now was strictly as co-parents._

_It was when his head tilted closer to hers, their lips brushing together that I felt the world spinning out of control. At first, I saw red. The embers of rage burned hotly inside of me until I caught the expression on her face. There was such a raw tenderness on her pretty face. I hadn’t seen her look like that since before she told me about the third pregnancy._

_She slid a hand up to cup his face and brought his closer to hers where their kiss became not so chaste. His hands reached into her hair until he pulled out her hair tie. Her hair tumbled down in unfamiliar soft waves as he buried his hands in it. I could practically feel the phantom silkiness against the pads of my own fingers._

_Almost as if she felt the pull of my gaze, she wrenched herself free, her eyes searching as I ducked out of sight. I wouldn’t allow her to feel guilty about what occurred. My greatest desire in life was her happiness. If this made her happy, who was I to interfere with that?_

_I tried not to stoke the stirrings of jealousy bubbling in my stomach and pushed it back to a mild gurgle. Someone else was doing what I couldn’t, and she was a free woman. I peeked around the corner once more to find him teasingly stealing sips of her coffee. Her eyes rolled skyward as she stole a kiss from him._

_I froze as her voice floated across the room. “Well I’ve got to go Peter, my surgery is in fifteen minutes.” I knew she had only one year left of residency, and I wondered if she was performing solo surgeries now. “I’ll check the family schedule for this weekend and get back to you about going hiking with Isla and Bree.” She left him to finish the coffee before departing._

_There was an extra pep in her step. She radiated light and joy, and I almost thought about chasing after her. Instead I turned around to let her live her life. Perhaps someday fate would choose to reunite us again. If not, I still had the memories of the years we spent together. Maybe it was time for me to go and find my own happiness. I couldn’t continue to dwell on her and what we shared. That was the past and this was present._

Tears sparkled in her eyes until the dam seemed to break and I held onto her as she sobbed into my chest. I held a few details back so as not to make myself entirely pathetic, but as soon as the words started coming out, I was a man possessed. I needed her to know how much she still meant to me even if we couldn’t be together. I didn’t want her pity either.

It was some time before she pulled back. I ran the pads of my fingers under eyes, rubbing away the remnants of her crying. Her skin was soft and silky under my touch. She leaned into my touch instinctually. “Ye kent I love ye.”

She nodded sorrowfully, her lips jutting out in a tremble. Her body shook with barely repressed sobs. “Why didn’t you-“ she cut herself off as if rethinking her choice of words. “I would’ve talked to you. What you don’t know is Peter and I were serious, but it isn’t like now. Jamie, we’re engaged. I can’t forget about that even with you dredging up the past.”

Her tone indicated the status of her relationship was much different now. “So this is real? You’re going to marry him?”

She flicked her eyes between the doorway and me. A sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach told me I didn’t want to know, but I was a masochist. If I no longer had a chance with her, I wanted official confirmation she belonged to another.

Tears fell in reckless abandon down her face, but I made no move to clear them. I hated the distress on her face, but I needed to hear the words. Finally with a deep breath, she admitted, “Peter proposed to me the day of Isla’s accident.” Her eyes told me to stay put as there was more. “I- yes, Jamie, it is real. He asked and I accepted.” A tear slipped out. “You waited too late.”

I did the only thing I could do. I kissed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone wants the original version, leave your email in a separate comment that I'll delete and I'll send it to you.  
> Also, I'm still looking for someone who speaks French.


	15. Beautiful Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so if you left your email, you should've received a copy of the story from me, my address is fairly obvious lol. If you didn't, my email says your address was invalid.  
> Just a word to the wise, if you are comparing and contrasting the two stories, in this version we've been a chapter ahead after the Isla centric chapter. You'll also notice bigger modifications in this chapter and going forward. I'm laying my foundation, so to speak.  
> I think this chapter was already massive before I started working on it, but I can't be sure as to how much I added. 
> 
> Happy Reading!!

I savored the taste of her on my lips. At first, it was as if I were kissing a stone wall. Claire froze, and I was afraid she would pull away when she did the last thing I expected. She kissed me back.

Her lips parted as I deepened the kiss, and immediately my tongue sought hers. I’d forgotten what it felt like to be so deeply connected and intertwined with another individual. I was claiming her as mine, and perhaps she understood this as her lips sought my own hungrily.

Her tongue flicked against mine, taunting me, and the stirrings of arousal awoke inside of me. With Claire, it never took much for me to become hard.

I cupped her face, the kiss deepening between us until she wrenched her face from mine as she attempted to catch her breath. My own came out in pants as I rested my forehead against hers.

Up close I saw the tiny freckles she hid with make-up. There were some new ones, probably from all the sun she had back home. Her eyes shone brightly with love and arousal, but the dilation of her pupils almost completely overtook the deep brown color of her eyes.

“Oh god,” she began to panic. “No…no…. no… this can’t be happening.” She pulled away from me, her face contorting painfully. She was five seconds from falling apart. “Jamie, no- this… I- can’t ugh, this can’t happen between us. I’m serious. I apologize if my actions have led you to believe that there’s potential for anything else, but Jamie I’m engaged.” She cried, her face red. “You can’t go around kissing people, especially not exes. Oh my god, fuck, I’m dreaming.”

In all of my years of knowing her, I had never seen her like this, so on edge. She had been stressed when she had to sit for her exams, but that was minor in comparison to what was happening.

She was pacing and running her hands through her hair. She muttered intelligibly and occasionally tugged on her hair. Claire stopped, stared at me, then continued with her pacing. i was ill equipped to do anything. This was entirely new to me. I had seen her have meltdowns, but nothing on that level.

In the distance, I heard the vague ringing of a cellphone, but I ignored it. It wasn’t mine and given the way Claire was behaving, it was unlikely it was hers. There was a good possibility it hadn’t registered with her. She was in her own little world that I had inadvertently invaded when I kissed her. If I had known, she would flip out, I would’ve resisted the urge.

My thoughts were invaded once again by the ringing, and it wasn’t until she halted our activities, I realized the phone was in fact hers hers.

The color left her face as she paled and her face morphed into one of horror. She quickly jumped up, whilst answering the phone. “Peter,” she said quietly as she left me to my thoughts.

I rubbed a hand over my face as it fully caught up to me what we did. I hadn’t recognized or acknowledged my feelings for her in such a long time. I wouldn’t allow myself to go there. She was in a relationship. I had waited too late. There were all these supposed obstacles in our way, but the truth was that it was my own cowardice separating us and poor timing. if I had arrived before she had gotten seriously involved with Peter, would things be different between us? I hated what ifs. There were too many outcomes to consider.

An immense amount of shame flooded through my system as I thought about the kiss we shared moments ago. While she certainly participated, I was the one who initiated the kiss. I pushed her into it. There would be an argument over free will, but I was the main perpetrator. I misread the signals. I didn’t want her to destroy the relationship she had with this Peter because for what I knew about him, he was a good guy. He cared about her and respected her. He cared about my children and they cared about him.

They obviously were serious to the point where he assumed the next step was marriage. Claire had agreed and they were going to move forward with their lives. She was doing everything I had wanted for her, so why did it hurt so much?

My head leaned back into the wall and I cursed loudly, thankful for the lack of people around. What was I thinking?

She came here to be with our daughter, and to eventually take her home after the accident. It had helped to resolve some of our lingering issues, to make the situation easier on our children, but I was certain it was never her intent when she flew across the world to end up in a lip lock with her ex. Claire wasn’t that type of woman. I wasn’t that type of man, or at least strove not to be following the Britney incident.

I enjoyed it, but I knew eventually Claire would feel the ramifications of that kiss. It was not something to take lightly. It wasn’t touched by the melancholy or tenderness of our last kiss as a semi-married couple. The kiss we shared in this room was full of promise, hope, and love. Perhaps a wee bit of passion was mixed in there, but it shouldn’t have happened. She could possibly deny the feelings behind the kiss, and I wouldn’t put it past her to do it. I recognized a Claire shut down mode when I saw it.

Almost twenty years had passed after a fateful day on the train, and yet some things were still universally true about her. I had catalogued a lot of observations and facts regarding her over the years, and while I would never claim to know every detail about her, I knew enough.

Some of them came later in our relationship as we discovered each other in different stages. There was the friendship where we were tentative yet full of inquiry as we tried our best to share basic facts about ourselves. As the months flew by, we shifted into a different phase where we acknowledged the chemistry and passion that sizzled between us. We shared stories and feelings we had never revealed to another soul. We were baring ourselves for the other to see and praying they wouldn’t run in the opposite direction. 

It was during the transition to something more when I saw the different dimensions of her. As a friend, she didn’t have to share every detail about herself or inform me when she wasn’t up to sharing. She was allowed to not talk, not to say I forced her to do so when we were dating. It was still her choice, but I always made sure she was aware that I was there if she needed someone to listen.

As a couple, we explored our feelings on a deeper level. I wanted to know everything about the girl I saw and talked to nearly every day.

She had a wry sense of humor. It was strange as most people assumed she was serious all the time, but my Claire could be as crude and witty as they came. Most of the jokes she made were highly inappropriate for polite company, but I enjoyed hearing them in private moments shared between us. Sarcasm was her third language. It was natural to her, but part of her charm.

Then there was the emotional/hysterical version of her. It was perhaps the most interesting facet of her personality as she rarely showed it to anyone including myself, which inevitably led to tension between us as I knew she intentionally kept things from me. She buried her emotions deep inside of herself, which then came spilling out during emotionally trying situations. I didn’t know during those times what to do to calm her down. The first time it happened was in the days following Isla’s birth.

_October 2006_

_Claire adamantly refused to leave our daughter’s side in the hospital. I tried to coax her multiple times to at least go home to rest, but she shook her head with a stubborn determination and her chin jutted out prepared for any argument I could think up._

_It was the first time the baby in the incubator stopped breathing and the staff began their attempts to revive her I saw how it affected her._

_She would never admit when she needed help or anything from anyone including myself, which at times was a point of contention between us. I confronted her on several occasions about it; I knew deep down she didn’t need me the way I needed her. She could live without my presence as a constant in her life and perfectly live after without any suffering on her behalf. I was the one who knew I had to have her by my side for the rest of my days because she completed me. She made up all the best parts of who I was, and while I wasn’t entirely sure anymore where she began and I ended, I didn’t feel as if it mattered anymore that we became one entity._

_Claire would beg to differ, but that was a different matter altogether._

_The doctors sat us down to explain Isla was struggling to breathe because of her underdeveloped lungs. She’d arrived so early, and the steroids given to her were helping, but not as much as the doctors liked. Her heart was also struggling, and she would require heart surgery._

_I saw the conflict in her eyes, read it on her face, and observed it in her body language. She was tense as she considered in her mind the best option for our child. I generally deferred to her for medical opinions. She was the one studying to become a doctor. While she was still in her first year, she still had more knowledge about what was happening with our child than I did._

_Her eyes flashed between a variety of browns never settling on one as her emotions were becoming too much for her to handle. It was as we sat by our daughter’s side when she began to crumble in front of me._

_I had never seen one of her meltdowns in my life, but I was aware of them. Her mother told me about her inability to share what she was feeling and how at times when she could no longer handle the pressure and the stress in her life, she completely fell apart._

_She’d gone to therapy following her father’s passing at five, but had yet to find a way to fully cope. She channeled everything into her work and family without dealing with the real problem, which was why she had gotten into some trouble in the year leading up to our meeting._

_Her fingers brushed against the small upturned hand of our unnamed daughter. She was simply Baby Fraser. We thought we had more time to think of names for her as she wasn’t supposed to be born until December._

_The infant didn’t react to the touch of her mother. Her eyes were taped shut, and her chest moved up and down frequently with the harsh sounds of the ventilator. There were so many wires and tubes around her, and I was terrified. She was smaller than any of Jenny’s children at a mere three almost four pounds. Her skin was almost translucent and the minuscule veins visible._

_It wasn’t supposed to happen this way, which was what every parent said when their child was born prematurely. The baby still had several more weeks to gestate, but Claire was diagnosed during her second trimester with preeclampsia resulting in a total placental abruption. The doctors had no choice except to deliver the baby by a Caesarean. They couldn’t quite explain to me why her condition caused the abruption only that it was one of the known causes._

_Claire quickly removed her hand and herself from the NICU, but not before I saw the stream of tears falling down her face. It startled me how beautiful she was despite the crying. Hers was a silent pain, one she refused to share with me._

_I stared longingly at my daughter. I wanted to remain with her; I knew however, her mommy needed me more and perhaps for the first time in our relationship equally as much as I needed her. I wouldn’t let her down. I promised her the world and a healthy child, and I couldn’t allow myself to think of any scenario except us leaving the hospital with our child._

_I found her in the chapel. She turned to faith when life threw her a wrench. I strained to hear her words, but I knew it provided her some sort of solace to pray to God. Sometimes her faith came into conflict with her studies, and she attempted her best to resolve the conflict between religion and science. Normally she picked one over the other, and prayed to God she made the right decision._

_“Please don’t take her away from me, I can’t fail her. I know it might not be in your plan, but I don’t know if could survive her death.” It made me wonder which prayer she chose to start. She finished with, “O my God, I firmly believe that Thou art one God, in three Divine Persons, the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost; I believe that Thy Divine Son became man and died for our sins and that He will come to judge the living and the dead. I believe these and all the truths which the holy Catholic Church teaches, because Thou hast revealed them, Who canst neither deceive nor be deceived.” She was finding faith in something tragic. If that wasn’t the most Claire thing, I didn’t know what was._

_Her eyes sparkled with tears, her face flushed with emotion, her nose sniffling, and her skin pale with worry. “I thought you would come.” She said upon noticing my arrival._

_“The prayer of Faith?” I questioned her, curious to her reply._

_A sigh fell from her drawn lips as she scooted over to allow me to sit. “I think we could use all the faith we can get at the moment. Our baby sh-“ the words were swallowed into her sobs as her hands covered her face and her body shook uncontrollably._

_I sat there for a second before gently lifting her and placing her body in my lap. My arms wrapped around her petite form, and I held her as she released all of her pent up emotions._

_I knew what she was feeling as mine probably mirrored hers. There was anger for our child suffering and not having enough time to form inside her mother where she should still be. There was an infinite amount of sadness for what Claire was going through and for all the possible surgeries we were facing. Then there was the worry that I would never have the opportunity to hold my daughter. The baby wouldn’t have a chance to live, and I found my heart unable to handle the amount of pain the thought brought me. I buried my face in Claire’s hair and cried._

_I think it terrified her to realized how broken I was. Her own crying ceased. She raked her fingers through my hair as she shushed me. “It’s alright honey,” her voice held promise, I wasn’t entirely confident she believed it would be._

_It scared me there was a chance our baby girl would die without us having named her. “What can I do?” She croaked into my ear. Her arms were tight around my neck, but I enjoyed the warmth she brought. Her touch was like the sun shooing away all the gray and gloomy clouds. “Please,” she begged me._

_“I want to name her.” Claire pulled back with her brows pulled together. “I can’t allow her to continue living without a name.” She also caught the words I didn’t say. I can’t allow her to die without a name._

_The tension left her frame as her shoulders relaxed and she settled into my chest. Her fingers played with the hair on my arms as she pondered names._

_“Did I ever tell ye where my mam lived as a girl?” She shook her head and I sensed her confusion at what she assumed was an unrelated segue. “Well while t’is true she spent her later years in the Highlands, she is actually from an island called Islay. It’s in the Inner Hebrides, which is an archipelago off the west coast. It’s the southernmost island in the Inner Hebrides. It’s six hundred and twenty kilometers, so fairly large for an island surrounding Great Britain. It’s not huge by most standards with around three thousand people, but the main business is whiskey distillation.” I paused as I thought about when my mother took Jenny and I when we were young on holiday._

_“It’s popular for bird watchers too. My favorite part of the islands are the views from the bluffs. It’s absolutely gorgeous with the red and green cliffs. The water is so blue and vast. I loved watching the horizon and all the shifting colors at sunset. It was different than what I knew at home. We didn’t leave the Highlands often.”_

_I continued to describe the coastline of the island with the ports and towns and the simplicity of it all. I wanted to share something with her I coveted for myself all these years. I hadn’t felt the desire to share and kept the memories in my heart after the passing of my mother. It hurt too much to think about all those special holidays where I practiced my Gaelic._

_“Jamie, first you sound like a travel agent.” Her lips twitched a little. She turned in my arms with confusion in her eyes to what I assumed was the rest of her thoughts. “Secondly, I don’t understand why you’re telling me this. I love that you’re sharing about your mum, but how does it relate to picking a name for our daughter.”_

_I always counted on her to keep me in the moment. “Well a somewhat popular name came from the name of the island.” She raised a brow. “Isla, I want her to have a piece of my homeland.”_

_I saw as she worked it over in her head. I don’t think she minded I chose the name of our child. “Do ye like it?” I tried to hide the excitement on my face, but I knew she saw through me._

_A small smile formed on her own. “I do. I was thinking Faith could be her middle name.” I gave her a gentle squeeze._

_“Isla Faith Fraser,” I murmured and felt a warmth spread through my body. It was her name._

While it took some time before our baby was able to go home, Claire suffered emotionally and went back to Church. She regularly went to confession, and I yearned to know what she told the priest; it wasn’t my business however as what she shared was between him, her, and God. I respected her right to privacy, but it pained me all the same she felt there were things she couldn’t tell me.

She wanted to protect me from her thoughts and feelings, and while I appreciated it, it created a divide between us. Claire seemed only to be able to share half of herself with me. I didn’t know how to feel, knowing she was in agony and couldn’t tell me.

I cooled off enough and went in search of Bree. Jenny was lurking somewhere around the area, and I desperately required her advice for how to proceed going forth with Claire after what I had done. It was apparent we weren’t to be trusted by ourselves any longer as the tension and passion was too overwhelming for us to handle. I wish it weren’t the way it was, but we needed to bridge some distance. It would ultimately hurt a lot less for me when she and Isla left in a few days and definitely when she married Peter. My fists clenched at the thought.

I spotted Claire in the distance with her free arm waving about, a scowl on her pretty face, and I imagined the sort of tone she was using. It wasn’t any of my business however what she was discussing with her fiancé.

My head poked into Isla’s room to find it devoid of human life. My brow furrowed in worry as panic arose inside of me. _Where the hell were my children?_ I quickly rushed over to Claire. “Where are the girls?” I asked her.

She turned to face me and covered the mouthpiece of her mobile. “What are you talking about Jamie?” She was barely restraining her fury, but her worry over our children won out.

I tried not to let my impatience and irritation show, but the woman knew how to work my last nerve. “I mean the girls are not in Isla’s room.”

“What?” Her face pinched with worry and terror. “I’m going to call you back Peter.” She slipped her phone into her pocket. “I don’t understand, they were just in there when I checked on them.”

“Clearly, they aren’t there now. Where could they have gone?” Isla was only a few days post-surgery, and her leg made it so she couldn’t easily travel. She required the use of a walker or her crutches, and there was supposed to be someone around when she wasn’t in bed.

She glared murderously at me as if I were accusing her of something, which with my tone I probably was. “I don’t know.” She growled at me. As quickly as panic set in, relief took its place. The girls came around the corner with an unfamiliar woman. Isla sat in a wheel chair and I exhaled slowly. Bree hung on the arm of the woman, and my nieces were mesmerized by the newcomer.

I glanced over to Claire to ask her about the woman when she took off. She threw her arms around the woman’s neck and squeezed for dear life. “Oh Claire, enough with the histrionics. This isn’t high school.” _Ah an American_ , I thought and was beginning to understand it was a friend. “Your mother told me what happened, and I was in Manchester at the time. I decided to come check up on my favorite eleven year old.” Isla flushed and waved her hand dismissively.

Bree’s words only confirmed the identity of her mysterious stranger. “Auntie Mel says she’s going to fly home with you and Isla. I wish I could go.” A deep pout set in on her face and my breath caught. “But I will have daddy to myself.” Her eyes fell on me and she smiled. “Still, Aunt Mel makes everything fun. I bet you’ll get to eat lots of junk food.” Melody nudged Bree and they stared at each other mischievously. Bree giggled and held a finger to her lips. I shook my head. They weren’t fooling anyone. 

She moved over towards me so she could tug me in the direction of a woman who had spent more time with my children than I had. “Auntie Mel, this is my daddy.” Bree proudly announced with a toothy grin.

Melody was a beautiful woman, but very different in comparison to Claire. They were polar opposites. She was a natural blonde. Her eyes were sea green and the sun kissed look of her skin made them appear more vibrant. They were around the same height with Melody an inch or two taller. There was a ring on her finger, and I supposed Claire likely forgot to tell me about that.

“Hello Jamie, I’ve heard a lot about you.” She held out her hand and firmly shook mine when I offered it. Claire glared daggers at her and I wondered what that was all about. “You look just like I expected. I see exactly where these gingers get it.” She tugged on Bree’s braid as I had done earlier. “Although you’re quite tall. I wasn’t actually counting on that, but now I know why Bree is so tall. She was always taller than all the other kids.” Bree beamed at the praise offered to her.

“Bree has told me all about beach trips at the Vineyard and skiing and snowboarding.”

“Yes, Bree is quite prodigious actually, she mastered her skills for her beginner lessons quickly. The instructor was so impressed. He wasn’t expecting it all.” Bree ducked her head bashfully, and it was strange to see this side of her. “She’s my adventure partner. These two would rather ski and drink their hot chocolate by the fire.” Bree grinned.

Claire intervened to remind us of Isla who was still in the chair. “I’m going to help Isla get settled back in bed. Mags and Kitty come, I may need your assistance. Bree, I need you to clean up your things in your sister’s room.”

Bree’s face contorted into annoyance. “Mommy,” she whined, her voice becoming quite high. “That’s not fair. I didn’t even leave a lot of crap out.”

“Now Bree,” Claire commanded. Bree stomped ahead to the room as the girls followed in her wake. “And I’ve told you about using that word.”

“I guess you’ve never really seen that side of Bree before, huh?” Melody asked me with a gentle smile.

I shook my head. “Normally they’re on their best behavior when they visit me. I’ve seen a few rows between them, but I normally never have to ask more than once for them to stop.” I informed her.

“Would you like to get some coffee?” I appreciated her extending an olive branch.

I wasn’t sure why but I felt as if I were in a competition with her. She hadn’t done anything to me, but it was hard not to feel green with envy of a woman who spent so much time around my children. She knew them better than I did. “Sure.” I agreed because I did want to know her better. She was a huge part of my family’s life. She was bestowed with the title aunt.

We sat across from one another in the cafeteria and she sipped at the coffee. “It’s the only thing hospitals can do right.” Her face was serene as she inhaled the warm, bitter smell of coffee. I preferred my tea. It helped with my nerves.

I forgot she was a surgeon like Claire. She had mentioned they met during their residency. “So ye and Claire were residents together?”

She tipped her head back, her blonde curls following. She hummed softly in agreement. “Yes, we had the same resident. It was actually during one of our breaks when I caught her crying in the locker room that I chanced it and decided to speak to her.”

My eyes dropped to my steaming coffee. It wasn’t hard to figure out the cause of Claire’s crying. “I don’t know what to say to ye.” I admitted out loud. She was disarming in her approach as she remained mostly silent.

“You still love her.”  
My eyes widened and I sputtered. “N-no don’t be s-so ridiculous.”

“It’s alright if you do. I’m sure you know about Peter.” I firmly nodded. “He’s been good to her, but sometimes I get the impression she’s not always with him in her head. Obviously I don’t want my best friend to ruin her relationship especially for a guy living on the other side of the Atlantic and with as many hang ups as you. No offense or anything, but I don’t want her to get hurt.”

I sort of sensed where she was leading the conversation, but I was still confused. “But?”

“I like you. Your girls praise you to the moon and back. Claire’s never spoken a bad word about you and she’s had plenty of reasons. I always wondered what sort of man you were.” I hung my head in shame. “There’s nothing wrong with self-care. Sometimes the first time an opportunity comes around we don’t know it’s the right one. Now if we’re really lucky, we might get a second one. It’s what we do the second time around that makes all the difference.”

My head snapped up as I openly scrutinized this woman, Claire’s best friend. What exactly did she mean? Claire made it apparent she was in a relationship and it was more than a little serious. He proposed marriage, and she was giving the decision thoughtful consideration. I couldn’t interfere with that process as I already screwed up her life enough, and I wanted her to think about the situation without me factored in as a possible option.

A coy smile appeared on her lips as she regarded me once more. “I never told her about your Christmas visit.” I sat back and gaped like a fish out of water. “Why didn’t you follow my advice then? It would’ve saved you some trouble.”

_December 2011_

_I hadn’t informed Jenny of my decision to fly to America. It wasn’t a conscious one either. I simply woke up that morning tired of all my loneliness._

_The walls were caving in and I was suffocating under all of it. Every morning was repetitious where I stumbled out of my bed into the bleary morning, where nothing changed. I simply continued to exist without any true joy in my life._

_If there was one regret I had, it was the ease in which I exited my marriage. As soon as she said the forbidden words, I left her life. I hadn’t attempted to argue or fight for our marriage, and I was a coward for that. If I loved her, I wouldn’t have allowed her to so freely withdraw from everything. I knew after Gabriel’s premature death she struggled endlessly to return to whatever sort of normalcy she could, and I didn’t assist in making her life easier._

_She disconnected from me, and I didn’t stop it._

_I hated watching as she withdrew into herself with each passing day. Some days she stared listlessly out the window looking out onto the street with tears blurring her vision. She wiped her eyes with the corner of her sleeves as I entered and sent me a shaky smile, but I knew it was as fake as the one my uncle gave me when I married Claire._

_Yet through all this time, I discovered she wasn’t a stranger during that time. I recognized all the bits of her, but had never seen them commingling together. It was so much for me to handle._

_My attempts at flattening my hair were abysmal, and I stopped when I reached the door of her house. I double checked the address on the piece of paper before ringing the doorbell._

_I did my best to not fidget or shift anxiously as I awaited for someone to answer the door. It wasn’t Claire who opened the door but a blonde woman. Her eyes were the color of a stormy sea as she coolly looked upon me. She had an athletic build and was a bit taller than Claire. Her hair was thrown up in a messy, blonde bun. She wasn’t someone I would’ve assumed Claire to be friends with considering past associations. She rarely had female companions._

_“Yes, can I help you?” I figured her accent for a New England one right away. She had the coldness down pat, and the manner in which she carried herself, I pegged as someone who vacationed on the coast and who had grown up with money._

_I shifted uncomfortably under her unnerving gaze. Her face was growing impatient as I continued to stand there on my ex-wife’s door step. I coughed to clear my throat. “I’m looking for Claire Fraser.” At least, I was positive she continued to use my surname. I wasn’t sure if she reverted back to Beauchamp or not._

_One of her eyebrows rose quite spectacularly. “Who are you? Is she expecting you?” She crossed her arms over her chest and her stance changed to a defensive position. “I’ve never seen you and she hasn’t mentioned anyone stopping by.”_

_“My name is Jami-“ She cut me off as she reached for my arm and dragged me inside. I supposed she knew who I was if she never gave me the opportunity to finish introducing myself._

_I glanced around the house as she led me down the hall, and was impressed by the homeyness of the place. All of the flooring was hard wood including the staircase. There were photos of the girls lining the walls. Many of them I had copies of myself, but some I hadn’t seen before. At the head of the stairs was Isla’s school picture from kindergarten. Next to it was a pre-school picture of Bree._

_There was a bench carefully placed in front of the half wall of the staircase. There were cutesy cushions decorating it and a lone stuffed animal. Two child sized backpacks leaned against it. In the living room, there was a fireplace with pale wood framing it. The couches were white, and the rug had some sort of intricate design. The place screamed Claire. We hadn’t decorated much at our apartment, preferring to save our money instead._

_In her kitchen, she had pale wood cabinets with a granite countertop. The place felt airy with all of the windows flooding light into the house. It was a stark contrast to the apartment in which we previously resided. There were skylights allowing light further access to the room._

_We sat at the polished wooden table and I marveled at her home. There were pictures of the girls on the walls. A calendar next to the fridge had all sorts of activities and appointments listed for each day of the week. It seemed as if Claire was out with the girls at a dentist appointment. It was circled in a red marker._

_“I guess ye ken who I am?” I asked her friend, who still didn’t have a name._

_She watched me with a strange gleam in her eyes. “Claire’s told me about you, but even if you hadn’t said anything Bree is the image of you. Honestly, I was more shocked by your appearance here than anything as I know you live in Scotland now.” There was a hint of disapproval she didn’t voice aloud, but I heard it all the same._

_“I suppose ye have some sort of feelings about it?”_

_Her eyes dropped to her folded hands on kitchen table. “No, my parents divorced when I was six. I spent most of my childhood with my mom, pining away for my dad. He sent for me during the summers, but hired a nanny to cater to my needs. I rarely saw him. He died before I graduated from medical school.” Her eyes held a watery sheen, but not a single tear fell from her grassy colored orbs. “I’ve grown attached to your daughters, and I don’t want that life for them where their craving someone who is never there when needed.”_

_A deep furrow developed between my brows as I understood her implications. “I would never allow someone else to watch over my daughters when I can. I’m trying to be there for them in the best way that I can.” I was trying my best to not allow my temper to get the best of me._

_She held up her hand with apologetic eyes. “That’s not actually what I meant. My parents hated each other, but just seeing Claire when she accidentally talks about you or your eyes when I say her name, there’s still something there.” She frowned when I opened my mouth to immediately disagree. Yet she was right considering I was there in Claire’s house. “Is that the reason you’re here?” Her eyes softened and brightened immensely. “To get her back?”_

_“Yes,” I sighed._

_She sat back in her chair. “I’m Melody by the way. I suppose I forgot to mention it when I opened the door.” I grinned a little. “Claire and I met on our first day of our residency. She’s an intelligent, beautiful, amazing woman. You’re truly lucky.” My eyes must have showed my disbelief and bewilderment. Her laugh was the sound of chiming bells, and I saw how she fit into Claire’s life. “She’s remarkable. She never says one negative word against you even when other people question your absence. She says it’s none of their business, and that you’ve worked out an agreement so that you can maintain a relationship with Isla and Bree.”_

_As I listened to Melody speak, I realized something about her. She was in love with Claire. It wasn’t obvious at first, but her eyes sparkled when she told talked about her. She spoke of her with affection that I had only ever heard from a few people, myself included._

_“You may not believe it, but I secretly think she’s waiting for you to return. She rejects all advances from both males and females, and spends a lot of time here with the girls. Are you here to get her back?” I was gob smacked by the brazenness of her question. It wasn’t any of her business what I did._

_I scrubbed my face as I considered all of my options. If what she said were true, Claire wanted me back. She was waiting for me to cross the divide we created over two years ago. “Why do you care?” I was curious about her involvement._

_Her lips pursed uncharacteristically for what I knew of her so far. Then she flattened her palms onto the table. “I’ve seen her hurt. I actually met her because she was crying in the locker room after some asshole commented about how she was a hot divorcee and he wouldn’t mind coming over to soothe her woes.” She rolled her eyes. “I thought at first it was the stress of our first shift and the shit for brains until I realized there was this brokenness in her eyes. As we got closer, she opened up about you and told me your whole history together. There was a lightness to her when she spoke about the past, well until you know the more recent shit. Her demeanor shifted and she vibrated with life when talking about the love you shared.” I heard the longing in her voice. “Your daughters adore you more than anything, and I know it would benefit all of you if you were back here.”_

_Her phone buzzed and she quickly excused herself to the next room. My gaze swept over the kitchen, and I easily pictured my children and Claire sitting down for breakfast. There was a box of some sugary cereal on the counter. I imagined Isla begging her mother to allow her to pour her own cereal and Bree making a mess._

_The refrigerator was massive, but I was accustomed to the sight after my time here. It was an American thing. Art, pictures, and school reminders decorated the front. The dish cabinet had glass doors, and I saw the matching dish sets. It was a proper home. The problem was I didn’t know if I fit in it. There were hints of Christmas around the house and outside. I didn't check to see if Claire had gotten a tree yet or not. It would serve no other purpose than to remind me I wasn't spending Christmas with them._

_Was Melody right? Did Claire want me the way I wanted her?_

_Melody re-entered the room with an apologetic look. “I’ve been paged to the hospital. I need to leave. If you decide to stay, you’ll definitely improve my view of males. Even if you don’t, I’m rooting for you in the long run. Lock up if you leave, there’s a key buried on the right side of the little glass frog.” Just like that she was gone with a click of her expensive heels._

“Still rooting for me?” I asked boldly.  
Her arms folded unhappily across her chest and she analyzed me. “Should I? By all accounts, Claire is happy with with Peter.”

I deflated at her question because it wasn’t without merit. “I can’t screw up this thing she has with Peter.” I would feel awful about it, and it wouldn’t endear Claire to me. “They’re engaged.”

She waved her hand dismissively at the mention of Peter. “There’s something to be said for a second love that follows an indescribable first love. Most people use the term quieter, more subdued. They don’t necessarily love the person less, but it’s a different sort of love than the one you previously had. Ultimately, yes your goal isn’t to ruin her relationship. You want to make her aware she has options. As far as your concerned, she no longer believes you’re available to her that way. You want her to see that you’re the best option. She’s not married to Peter yet.”

I honestly believed the woman’s talents were wasted on medicine. She had an insight into the mind and motivations of others. Perhaps it was a side effect of the turmoil of her parents’ relationship.

“As I said, I honestly am rooting for you. The amazing thing is you’re not pining away for her. While you still want her by your side, you’re not demanding her to return. You’re being yourself, and let me tell you Bree was very chatty. She told me all about the trip to the beach.”

Bree was an interesting combination of traits. She never grasped the concepts of privacy or secrecy. She told everyone everything, and then erupted in giggles when we figured out the culprit. It wasn’t intentional; she simply couldn’t hold it any longer.

“It was reminiscent of the past. Claire and I spent a lot of time at the beach when we were younger. I realized we hadn’t ever gone with Bree together though. In many ways we cheated her more than her sister. We talked though and it was different than in the past. We’ve opened up.”

“You weren’t talking at each other with the sole purpose of making the other see the validity of your argument or intentionally hurting one another. You were listening and contributing, and communicating the way you should’ve all along.” She sipped her coffee. “It’s hard when you’ve been with someone for so long. You know all of their little quirks and annoyances, and it’s easy to become short tempered with them. You sort of lose sight at some point. It happens to the best of us.” She shrugged with a helpless sort of look.

“I don’t know. I want to chalk it up to timing. I’ve had some bad timing.” Something in her eyes shifted and she became quite uneasy. I wondered about the mysterious, dark glint in her eyes. “What is it?” I had a feeling it was about Claire.

Her eyes casted a dark shadow and I wondered if I wanted to know what gave her that haunted look. “I-I don’t know if I’m the one who should share this with you or not.” Her lips were bleeding from the pressure of her teeth. I sensed the seriousness of what she wasn’t saying. “Jamie, did anyone tell you Claire almost died last year?”

The color drained from my face at her proclamation. “What? When? Isla and Bre-”

“It happened during the summer when the girls were here with you. She was in a car accident and spent six weeks in the hospital. She didn’t want them to know. She was worried they would cut their time short with you, and hated the thought of ruining your time together.”

I shook my head, refusing to accept her words. “You’re lying.” I accused her. “The girls FaceTimed her twice a week. They would’ve noticed if she was in a hospital all banged up.”

Her face saddened and she shook her head. “Julia, a few nurses, and I covered her face in make-up and used her hair to cover some of the other lacerations. She had some stitches around her hairline from when her head smacked the window. Luckily, the head of plastics adores her and is fantastic at her job. She broke her leg. There was a fractured wrist involved, and her collarbone broke when the airbag finally deployed. It was delayed and turned out there was a malfunction.” My mouth fell open as she listed Claire’s injuries. “There was surgery to repair the damage done to her leg. She was in physical therapy for a while as the bones were slow to heal. When the girls came home, she told them she’d just broken a leg.”

I leaned back into my chair as I took in her words. I understood the underlying message she was attempting to convey to me. I’d almost unknowingly lost Claire forever because I couldn’t get the courage to say what needed saying. If I continued the way I was, I would lose her in one form or another. I was constantly worried about my timing, but if she had died, that would’ve been it.

My hands rose to cover my face to hide the weakness of my tears. I had no problem crying, but it had always embarrassed me to do so in front of others.

Her hand removed one of mine from my face and she held it in hers. “It’s alright to be upset. She should’ve told you. I told her you deserved to know at least as the girls’ father, but you know how she is.”

Aye, I did. “If ye don’ mind I think I need some air.” I rushed for the nearest exit as I tried failingly to fill my lungs with air. I bent over with my hands resting on my the tops of my thighs.

I felt the wetness on my cheeks as tears streamed down my face. What would I have done if she’d left me? Would I have known before receiving the call? I imagined I could sense such a thing if it occurred, but I came to the conclusion I would rather be there by her side.

Someone began to tenderly stroke my hair and I glanced up into the most stunning brown eyes. They were sympathetic and full of worry, which I realized was solely for me. “Why did ye not tell me?” I sobbed out as she cradled my head against her stomach.

“What would I have said to you over the phone? There wasn’t anything you could have done, and I didn’t want your pity.”

I removed myself from her grasp to tower over her. I’d always appreciated her small size in comparison to mine. She’d lost weight from the last time I saw her in person, and her figure was more than a wee bit tantalizing. She could be every man’s desire if she so wanted. “Ye think what I feel for ye is pity?”

She lowered her eyes, her eyelashes resting against her cheeks. “No,” she replied. “I know very well what it is you feel.” Her eyes rose to meet mine and I saw all the conflicting emotions. “I didn’t say anything because I knew you would come regardless of the situation between us. But it wasn’t your place. We can’t ever have that type of relationship. I’m marrying Peter. You’ll always be special to me, but- but I can’t allow anything to happen between us. It was wrong.” She raked a hand through her hair. “I’m already trying to figure out how I’ll break the news to Peter.

Well she had me there. “Blame it on me, Sassenach.”

I stroked away a tear. “Don’t cry, please,” I begged her.

“We’ve made a dog’s breakfast of everything. We could go round and round until we’re blue in the face discussing the merits of timing and everything else, but Jamie, I am doing my best to stay strong and keep everything in. I’m barely holding it together. I feel like I’ll fall apart if I don’t. You’re making it confusing for me. I need a clear head and being around you isn’t conducive to that. I understand that you want to fight me, but is this really the time? Yes, I should’ve called you when it happened. I didn’t though and here we are. If it weren’t for this set of miserable circumstances, we wouldn’t have had reason to be orbiting each other again.”

“How can ye say that after last time?” I asked of her. I knew she hadn’t forgotten and neither had I.

“What about it? It was well… a mistake or a lapse in judgment. I don’t know. It wasn’t real. If it was real, we wouldn’t have needed to do all that we did. I’ve basically forgotten all about it anyway.”

She was trying to dismiss it. “Horse shit. You and I know that’s a fucking lie. Ye’ve told some big ones to me over the years, but I remember it vividly from the smells and the touches, so there’s no way you don’t. Are you actually going to stand there and tell me you are unaffected by it all?”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because when ye love someone, ye fight for them.”

She scoffed. “Like when you led me to believe that you slept with that skank?”

“You’re lashing out. You only do that when you’re trying to push me away.”

“Okay Dr. Phil! I’ve had enough of your psychoanalytical bullshit. You’re going to stand there and fight for me when you’ve had literal years. You came to Boston more than once I might add, and instead of staying to do something, anything, you took the coward’s way out. You left. Then again, I’m not surprised. It’s what you’re good at. I don’t need you to fight for me now. Jamie, I spent years desiring that, but you’re too late. You can’t come back when my life is finally good. You can’t do that to people.” Tears spilled down her cheeks.

“I told you I loved you.”

“And I said it wouldn’t work. You’ve made a life for yourself. You have Jenny and the kids. There’s your business and your friends.”

I took a step closer and she took one back. She wanted to keep her distance from me. “Look I know how this seems.”

“I doubt very much you do.”

Snarky Claire, I wasn’t wholly surprised she made an appearance. “So that night meant nothing to you?”

She rolled her eyes. “What do you want me to say? Seriously? What answer will appease you? Why do you continue to harp on a single night that happened ages ago. I’ve put away. I had to. I needed to let you go for good reason. We aren’t good for each other. Look at you practically groveling for me to give you chance and me being argumentative. This is what we do to each other. I’ll no further part in it. I’m sorry Jamie but I can’t.”

“Can’t or unwilling?”

Claire stopped. She didn’t turn around. “Both.”

By the time I made my way back to Isla’s room, Claire and Bree were nowhere to be seen. Isla regarded me with a frown. “Ugh dad, what did you say?”

“Nothing.. It doesn’t matter.”

“It obviously was. My mom was really bothered and twitchy. She rushed Bree out of here.”

“Just drop it.”

She shrugged. “Whatever, but you’re the one screwing it up.” I fixed her with a stern look. “Go home. Aunt Mel is here and you could use a breather. Take a load off and nap, eat, do something. I think you need to let mom chill out because she’s on a warpath and she will destroy you if you get in her way.”

I winced, knowing Claire’s current mood was a result of my pushing her. Isla and Bree took the brunt of it, undeservingly, but were the only ones around for her to vent.

“Also like when you see her again just apologize. It’s weird enough between you guys. Night dad.”

“Night Isla.” I kissed her head and hugged her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your positive feedback. I was hesitant to do this after my first attempt turned into a disaster and then I couldn't go back as I had written over the original files of the first twelve or so chapters. Now I know exactly what I'm doing, and have planned accordingly. I will explain my decision to eliminate certain elements when we get there as I know some of you were fans of it. Trust me, I have my reasons and it'll make a lot of sense.


	16. We Go On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is where the real changes begin. I combined the orginal 15 and part of 16 together, which is why it's so freaking long.  
> Also, if you don't have anything nice or actual constructive criticism, keep it to yourself. There's a reason comments are moderated. I'll delete any nasty comments. They aren't welcome. My policy has always been if you don't like, don't read. It’s as simple as that. It can be easy to forget there’s a person with feelings on the other end, but there most assuredly is. 
> 
> My note at the end will explain why I have deviated.

**CPOV**

I stared at the ceiling of my hotel room. Bree was snuggled in close with her face buried in my neck. The puffs of her warm breath tickled, but I was unbothered by it. My mind was somewhere else with someone else.

I was confused. The last 48 hours had been enough to get my head spinning.

The event that precipitated it all was Jamie kissing me. We were talking about the past as we had been for the last two weeks. We kept coming back to it. Part of me wanted to avoid discussing it as the feelings ran deep.I didn’t mean for Jamie to get the wrong idea.

My fingers drifted up to my lips. It was not to say our kiss was unenjoyable, however it should have never happened. I was engaged to a man I loved who hadn’t moved across an entire ocean to get away from me. A man who chickened out when he felt there was competition. Jamie deciding to fight for me now was giving me a migraine. How could he do this to me when my life was finally on track? I had locked him in his box and tucked it away. I knew nothing could happen between us. I had to do it for my own sanity. 

Then there he was at the hospital again yesterday making all sorts of declarations and inviting me over for dinner. I should’ve rejected the offer as soon as he made it, but I thought there would be no harm when I made myself clear about where we stood.

Jamie had other plans.

_16 hours earlier_

We spent most of that day in the hospital, Jamie arrived hours later looking rested but strained. If Isla and Bree noticed the tension between us, they didn’t comment.

He had decided to bring Isla’s suitcase and carry on with him back to the hospital for Isla to pick out her going home outfit.

She expressed her delight at finally having an opportunity to not wear her pajamas. It was a change as she loved wearing pajamas at home, but I supposed the effect was different when you weren’t allowed anything else. She spent most of her day in bed, and there was no need for her to wear actual clothes.

Tomorrow was the day where our plane would carry us back across the pond to home. It was strange that after the last two weeks, I was somewhat saddened by our departure. Barring the kiss, my time here had been pleasant and much needed.

I missed home. I longed to go back to work, particularly given the fact that I had left some critical patients of mine in the capable hands of my colleagues. The reality was this was a reprieve from real life. Jamie hadn’t come to the same conclusion as of yet. He was stuck reliving the past, but I was focused on the future. I couldn’t stay here even if a small part of me desired to remain in Scotland.

I knew I had to return home. My mother was watering my plants and feeding the girls’ fish and cat, I left behind in my haste to be by Isla’s side through her recovery. I had nearly forgotten my domestic responsibilities in the abrupt aftermath of Isla’s accident, but luckily my mum never allowed a crisis to overwhelm her. She was cool and collected and managed to keep her hair on. I don’t know how she managed it, but Julia was a formidable woman. She was planning to go shopping, so that there was a fully stocked fridge upon our arrival home. She didn’t want me to leave Isla alone or bring her along.

Isla and Bree were currently on a FaceTime call with her, and I left them to their privacy. Jenny was driving back up the following day to take Isla and I to the airport. Bree was tagging along, not wanting to be far from us any second longer than she had to be. We agreed it would be easier for Jenny to take us as I was limiting my time around Jamie.

Bree was absolutely gutted we were leaving her behind, but Jamie would find ways to distract her from her sadness and make the rest of her time with him worth it. It was difficult to picture a sad Bree, but it happened. She was normally such a bright ray of sunshine in an otherwise dreary sky. She radiated warmth, joy, and hope.

I sat outside the room thinking about the day she was born. It was a less intensive labor than the one with Isla or Gabriel. She went past her due date in a way that was entirely Bree. She was content to rest and soak up her remaining days inside of me. She was a cuddle bug.

She was supposed to arrive around the second week of November, but my darling girl didn’t make an appearance until November 23. The doctors were close to inducing me before she came.

_November 23, 2008_

_I groaned as I readjusted the books in my lap. Jamie was watching Isla as I studied in the library. Technically I was supposed to stay off my feet, but my second pregnancy compared to my first one was a completely different experience._

_The doctors had marked it as a high risk pregnancy because of the complications I had with Isla. Yet, there wasn’t a single difficulty aside from my morning sickness lasting well into my second trimester. Other than that, the baby inside me was calm. During the day, the baby kicked quite a bit, and Jamie was convinced we had a future football player. I indulged him with silly smiles._

_I was so happy. I lucked out as the early and middle stages of the pregnancy were carried out during the summer break. I was absolutely huge, and couldn’t imagine carrying around my stomach during some of the hottest months of the whole year._

_We decided not to find out the gender and allow it to be a surprise. Neither of us cared either way since we already had one precious miracle. Isla turned two last month, and looking at her now, there was no way to tell she was ever premature. She had caught up to other children of her age, and was quite advanced in some of the skills she was able to do. There was an intelligence in her eyes that was slightly disarming. I started to teach her how to read the alphabet, and she recognized all of her letters. It was impressive, and I imagined by the age of three I would have her reading books to herself. Isla loved books._

_I’d explained as much as I could to an almost two year old about the new baby. I showed her pictures in her books about mommies having babies. She then looked at my constantly growing bulge, pointed and said “da bee bee.” Then she placed her fingers back in her mouth and that was the end of the discussion. She rarely had anything to say, but she would kiss my belly._

_I was sure that when the new baby arrived her reaction might be different. At the moment, I knew she couldn’t think in abstract terms. It would be some years before her thinking transitioned from the concrete to the abstract. She only knew what she could see, so to her my stomach was the baby._

_I groaned at my aching back, but I needed to continue studying as I had a test coming up right after the thanksgiving break. There was a definite tightness in my lumbar muscles. I hadn’t considered the possibility I was in labor until my water broke in the library. The experience was different with Isla as I hadn’t had a choice._

_My eyes closed as I took deep, steady breaths to control the pain I was experiencing. It wasn’t anywhere near the level of what I had with Isla. So far, they were quite moderate and very far apart. I picked up my phone and typed in my passcode before clicking on Jamie’s name. “Sassenach? Did ye need anything while yer at the library?” He’d been so lovely and compassionate during my second pregnancy. Memories of Isla’s traumatic birth haunted us._

_He occasionally bordered on hovering, and my hormones didn’t exactly agree with that. I snapped at him constantly when his presence irritated me, then cried immediately afterwards because I felt guilty for snapping at him. He went out whenever I had a craving even if it was at three in the morning and he had to get up at six for work._

_“No,” a smile formed on my lips as I pictured him. “I’m going to drive over to the hospital.”_

_My obstetrician/gynecologist was located at the Brigham, and it was only a few minutes away from the campus. “Isla, is at the sitters and I’ll call to tell her the news.”_

_I knew he was trying not to panic, especially after what happened the last time. I tried to reassure him often how textbook this pregnancy was. It was more than a bit incredible given my last pregnancy, and I found myself immensely thankful for the difference._

_By the time Jamie arrived at the hospital, I was already admitted. They’d put an id bracelet on me, and had one in place for Jamie and the baby. I was only five centimeters dilated when he came rushing in with a flushed face and hair clinging to his temples._

_I bit back my grin as I watched him come closer. His eyes were tender and excited, but I saw the nerves lingering on the edges. I grasped his hand and placed it on my stomach. The baby had started a few days ago transitioning in preparation for the birth, so I knew it couldn’t be much longer. They were already so stubborn like their father._

_“Are ye okay Sassenach?” He clutched my hand tightly._

_I stroked the back of his with my other hand. “I’m alright love. Dr. Heath has stated the labor is progressing nicely the last time she checked. If anything it should be quicker because it’s a second birth, but our baby doesn’t seem to want to come out.” The lines faded from his face, but I knew I didn’t ease all of his fears._

_Two hours later he held my hand as I bore down with all of might and delivered a healthy baby. “It’s a girl,” Dr. Heath announced, her eyes bright and shiny. She’d also helped deliver Isla, and that was an altogether different sort of birth. It was a redemption for her._

_The baby began to cry as they cleared her passageways. A nurse placed her on my stomach and I marveled at her. Isla was completely bald at birth, and when her hair finally started coming in, it was blonde. She also had bird like features because of how tiny she was, but her sister wasn’t at all bald nor did she resemble a bird._

_Her sister had curly, bright, red hair that was matted down with birth matter. Her face was scrunched in annoyance at the sudden briskness in which she arrived. Her tiny body shivered at the cold as Jamie cut the chord and they carried her away to clean her up._

_She returned all swaddled up in a yellow blanket and lowered into my arms. I marveled at her perfect features and saw bits of her sister in her once Isla put on weight. Her Apgar scores were high, and I released the breath I was holding. She was a full seven pounds and twenty inches long. “She’s going to be tall,” I informed Jamie as he stared down at her over my shoulder in total awe._

_“Thank ye Sorcha, for blessing me with not only one lass but two.” His lips descended on mine. They were warm and pliant against my own. “She’s a beauty like her mother.” He leaned his head against mine and we watched as her mouth opened._

_She began to root around and I knew the drill. I lowered my gown and brought her to my breast. I helped her latch on and she did the rest. “A breast man like her father,” I murmured softly._

_Jamie grinned proudly and ran the pads of his fingers over her silky skin._

_“Are we agreed on the name?” I asked him. He nodded and I glanced back down at her. “Brianna, welcome to the world.” We both wanted a way to honor his parents, and naming her second born after them was a good way to do it._

Their giggling ceased and I imagined my mother had to go. She’d been rather busy as of late and secretive, and I wondered if she was dating someone. She hadn’t said anything.

I reentered the room and found them sitting on the bed together. Their bodies were pressed tightly together, and I saw a few tears drop from both of their eyes. My own were flooded, but I didn’t want to cry anymore on this trip. There had been enough of that going around.

“Cheer up girls, there’s only a few weeks left. Bree, you and daddy will have loads of fun.” She sniffed disdainfully. I sighed as I took a seat beside the bed. “Bree, I know you want to go back home with us, but your dad would be absolutely gutted if you chose to do so. He would never say so because he knows how you feel, but he really wants you to stay and spend some time just you and him. I promise time will fly, and you’ll be back home before you know it.”

She and her sister exchanged a silent conversation, and she reluctantly nodded her agreement. “But I don’t want to fly all the way home by myself.” I was prepared for the resulting whine.

“Your Uncle Tom has agreed to escort you home lovey.” Her face morphed into the biggest grin possible as she squealed.

“Are you for real serious mommy? That’s so awesome! I’ve never flown with Uncle Tom.”

“He has agreed to fly here and the two of you will take the train into London. You’ll spend the a day there with him and your auntie before flying to Boston.”

I knew the news would get her excited. Isla shook her head at her sister’s antics, but there was a hint of smile on her lips. “Dork,” she muttered.

“Whatever, I’m going to London.” Bree stuck out her tongue. “So mommy I was thinking since Aunt Jenny is staying in our hotel with us tonight, why don’t Isla and I hangout with her while you and daddy go eat? Isla has been wanting to go to the movies.”

I didn’t miss the way they shared secretive glances, and I suspected they were up to no good. “I don’t know,” I hedged, not sure I should spend anymore time alone with Jamie. “Isla must be exhausted, and I’m not sure she’ll up to going to see a movie.”

“I feel fine mom, if there’s a problem Aunt Jenny and Auntie Melody will be there. Come on, you and dad have barely gotten along the whole time you’ve been here and I think you got in a fight or something last night. You were all annoyed with your pinched face and stern voice, and dad was all pouty and short tempered.” She pushed out her bottom lip and her sister mirrored her. “Come on, please.”

It was at that moment Jamie decided to finally make an appearance. I hadn’t seen him after we kissed and he had been running errands all day. It was code for, I’m avoiding you. “What’s going on here?” He asked upon seeing the girls’ expressions.

I knew how this was about to play out. Our daughters were master manipulators, but rarely got anything past me because I knew their tricks. I employed the same ones at their age.

Within minutes they had Jamie convinced and I essentially had no say. Isla was ruffling through her suitcase to find a suitable outfit to leave the hospital in. She chose her dress with the cherry print. It ended about mid-knee. She grabbed her jean jacket and her white converse as well. Her hair was in loose waves as she’d worn it in a braid her entire stay.

I was at the nurses’ station working on her discharge papers when Jamie settled beside me. “Ye dinna have to actually do anything with me. I know the lasses want it, but yer welcome to tell them to mind their own business.” I felt the intensity of his eyes on me, but refused to look at him. “Especially after what happened. I would understand if ye dinna feel comfortable in my presence.”

I wasn’t prepared to confront everything that went on inside my head and my heart. There were so many conflicting feelings for the man, the father of my children and my ex. I exhaled slowly and raised my eyes from the papers. “It’s fine Jamie. It’ll make their night, and besides I’ll be lonely otherwise. They’ve already made plans.” I pouted playfully for him to show him I was okay with the situation and understood he wasn’t behind it.

I had a sense of uneasiness, but I didn’t linger on it. I would push through and tomorrow I would be back home.

Jenny and Melody were waiting in the car park for us. They were chatting and smiling, and I could only imagine what it was all about. I rolled Isla’s suitcase in front of me as Jamie pushed the wheelchair. He picked her up gently and lowered into the backseat. Her crutches were in the trunk. The doctors preferred she not strain herself too much before the flight and to keep her leg elevated as much as possible.

Kisses and hugs were exchanged as we parted ways. A part of me wished I was going with them. “I wondered if ye mind if I cooked for you tonight.”

I blinked at him unseeingly as I processed his words. I wasn’t positive I wanted to know where he lived. It would make it that much easier to picture him and to think about him in those moments where I pretended I didn’t. It made me uneasy, knowing that I wouldn’t have an escape route.

He noticed my hesitation and I dropped my head to my chest. Was I ready for this? We still had some things to work out, and if I refused his offer, I knew what it meant for the rest of the night. “Okay,” I finally said. I prayed I hadn’t made the wrong choice.

I tried to ignore the butterflies that erupted inside of my stomach at his radiant smile. His whole face lit up at my mere agreement to dinner at his place.

“So when are ye due back at work?” I knew he was attempting to prevent an awkward silence from settling.

“Actually my mother is picking Isla up at the airport and Melody is dropping me off at the hospital. I have a twelve hour shift and I’m in charge of rounds the following morning. My students have been distributed amongst other doctors in the hospital.” He tapped his fingers in rhythm with the music playing. “My mum is going to watch Isla for the afternoon and then a friend and her mother will pick her up. She’ll stay the night and I’ll pick her up in the morning.”

“Does that happen often?” His tone was inquisitive.

I furrowed my brow, unsure of the meaning of his question. “What?”

“The girls staying with other people if yer working?”

“Oh,” I mumbled. I didn’t want to go on the defensive. There was a good chance he didn’t mean any offense. “Well sometimes other teammates of Bree’s take her to the tournaments. The girls spend a lot of their weekends at friends’ houses for sleepovers. We do a carpool in the mornings, so my mum picks up some of their classmates. Then another parent will take the kids home or keep them.” I laughed. “It’s a system we’ve worked out, and it benefits all of our busy schedules.”

“Do ye ken them from church?”

“Some of them, but some of them attend a different one. Most of the kids at their schools are Catholic, although there are a few who aren’t. We’ve formed a community of parents though. It helps when someone is in a bind. Isla asked for it too. She’s been bored and hasn’t seen anything outside of the hospital.”

I saw him purse his lips before licking them nervously. Somehow his next question made him feel anxious. “Is it hard?”

“What? Raising them?” He grunted in agreement unable to vocalize. “Well at first sure,” I admitted to him. “I had the summer to sort of prepare myself for what was coming, but it was during the semester after you left where I had to figure it all out on my own. Let me tell you, raising a baby and a three year old is perhaps one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.” I didn’t regret having them. In his absence, they reminded me he was real and once mine. They made the whole separation and subsequent divorce easier to swallow. “Do I wish you were there? All the time.” I told him truthfully. “They grow and change a lot in the beginning, and I always felt guilty that I got to be there and witness it.”

I didn’t want him to think for a second I wanted him across the Atlantic. There were many days I wished he was beside me, helping me with the girls but also just with me. Those months following his move were hard and stressful. I was trying to maintain my distance and not give him the wrong impression.

I had a complete nervous breakdown, resulting in my mother signing me into the psych ward for 72 hours while she took care of my daughters. I slept most of the time I was there aside from when they made me talk to a therapist. When I was released, they set me up with a therapist who helped me immensely over the years.

I was finally able to voice those feelings that escaped my notice. We talked and talked until eventually I didn’t need her as much. I figured out my own problems and I had enough tools to know how to solve them without becoming overly worked up.

“Why do ye think we let it fall apart easily?” His dark eyes flickered in my direction, and I shifted uncomfortably.

It wasn’t the question because I sort of figured out those answers a long time ago. It was the shade of blue in his eyes. It reminded me of our youth and the seriousness he carried around inside of him. Whenever he got that glint in his eyes, clothes were generally shed. I shook my head. I shouldn’t be thinking about that. It was inappropriate.

I wet my lips and took a deep breath. “Well first and foremost we were dumb. We got married before we were properly settled. It wasn’t exactly the smartest idea either because the most stressful part of our lives was yet to come. We figured it would help us to be married, but I think it only caused us to struggled more.”

“And then we had a baby before we knew it. I love Isla with all of my heart, but it wasn’t the right time for us to have a baby. I’m not sure there is a right time, but we were still in school, neither of us had a steady income to raise a child. We didn’t have a support system, so we had to figure out a lot on our own. We weren’t ready, not that anyone is. It all happened so fast. You dropped out of school and took that job, and well we both know how it ends.”

He blamed me for a host of things like him leaving school and taking the job. I hated his guts for giving me the impression that he and Britney had been having an affair behind my back and for his less than stellar reaction to the news of my pregnancy. I despised him for leaving to attend that conference. I hated myself for never feeling as if I were good enough for him. It was a toxic cycle, and if we had carried on the way we had, we would’ve done much worse to each other. Ending it was the best choice as we were suffering and struggling. We intentionally hurt one another after we were hurt, and that was not okay.

He removed his hand from the steering wheel to cover mine and offer support. I was touched by the platonic gesture. “Ye ken very well ye were not the only one who fucked up. We were young and ye had school. I had my job. Then we had the girls. We stopped talking and listening because we were yelling. We tried to drown one another in our own superiority.” I didn’t disagree with his assessment of the situation. “I cared more about winning an argument than yer feelings afterwards. I ignored when ye cried, and went out with my work colleagues. And yes there’s all the shit with Britney.”

I blinked back tears because I hadn’t thought about it in years. I hated how insignificant he made me feel and how I convinced myself it was my fault he was unhappy. I dragged him to a country he would’ve never lived in if he hadn’t met me, and he was living in misery. We both were.

“I forgave you.” My voice was choked with emotion. “It took a long time and loads of therapy, but I was culpable too. I didn’t attempt to stop the fight, and I instigated quite a few myself. I want you to know I’m sorry. I was sorry then not just in the present when I have hindsight to show me how wrong I was. I ached to tell you, but my pride refused to allow you the win.” I closed my eyes and leaned back into the seat. “They were hollow victories believe me, but and I’m ashamed to admit this, I wanted to hurt you the same way I was hurt.” It didn’t make me feel as good as I thought it would.

I recalled staring into my face in the mirror. I hardly recognized the person who stared back. Her eyes were lifeless and dull. There were large, dark circles around her eyes. Her lips were downturned, and she appeared as if she lost the fight and zest for life. It was hard to believe I had become her.

At our wedding, I promised Jamie we would change together. We would grow and become these new people who still loved one another. Yet, we failed. I failed. He failed. We dragged each other down.

Before the conversation continued, we pulled into the driveway of a tasteful looking detachable home. Jamie ran around to my side of the car and opened the door for me with a tilt of his lips. He offered his hand and I took it. I released it as if shocked.

I’d always felt a gentle tingle on my skin when he touched me. It made me feel alive and desired, and that was the opposite of what I needed. I had to keep a clear head. He unlocked the door and I walked into his home. The floors were wood like mine, but that’s where the similarities ended. The floor plan and color scheme were different.

Photos peppered the walls leading to the kitchen. Some were of the girls and others were his nieces and nephews. Then there were pictures of him, his siblings, and his parents. Jamie had never been one for decorating, and I surmised it was his sister who picked the furniture for the place. He was a nightmare when it came to shopping of any kind.

He led me into the kitchen which was nice, but made me miss my own. He began to dig out ingredients to make some sort of pasta dish. He was intent and focused as he filled the pot with water and set it on the stove, as he cut up veggies, as he mixed in herbs. It was honestly quite erotic watching him get domestic. _Stop it Claire_ , I warned myself. This wasn’t the time or place. He wasn’t the man I was supposed to be thinking about.

“I want to tell ye something.” I quirked a brow as I stared curiously at him. “It’s not the first time I’ve met yer friend Melody.” My face scrunched up, perplexed. I hadn’t met her until after he moved away and I started my residency. There was a good seven or so months between the two events. “There was another visit in 2011. I found myself unable to stay away any longer and I came before Christmas.”

I was not comprehending what he was saying. I would’ve known if he had returned. How had he come back all those times without uttering a single world to me?

He poured some vinegar into the salad he was tossing. “I dinna ken ye weren’t home, but I had yer address. Yer friend Melody was there and we chatted. It was after she left and I looked around yer house, I realized how much I was missing. Ye created this whole life for yerself, and I dinna want to ruin it.”

Our eyes met across the counter and I broke. I wept into my hands because Jamie thought I had a life without him. It took a longtime before I had anything resembling a life because I couldn’t bear my existence without him. “If you had stayed, I promise you wouldn’t have ruined anything. I was close to cracking and ringing you. I wanted you back desperately, but I couldn’t do it to you either.” He lowered my hands from my face. “We are quite a pair.”

Under his smoldering gaze, I felt an acute dampness in my panties. If we allowed ourselves to get there tonight, it would create several problems. I refused to do that to Peter, or to further complicate my relationship with Jamie. Sex was easy, but when there were emotions involved it was complicated. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. We had done in the past and it turned out poorly for us. Feelings were always involved and there was no sense in pretending otherwise.

I was the one who needed to get my shit together. This wasn’t a seduction. He plated the pasta and put the salads in bowls before carrying them to the table. He grabbed a bottle of white, and I knew the night would get interesting. I was onto him. It wasn’t going to work. We weren’t going to let our pesky hormones get the best of us.

The food was delicious, but Jamie was always a marvelous cook. It was one of the benefits to having a husband who knew his way around the kitchen. He enjoyed it as a hobby, and usually had dinner ready by the time I arrived home.

Later, towards the end, he stopped coming home early to cook. It was when he lost his passion for cooking that I knew there was no turning back. Something broke.

I sipped my wine as we exchanged stories. We weren’t delving into the past, which allowed me the necessary breather. It was suffocating to think and constantly discuss that which was gone. I had been stuck there for too long, and had resolved myself years ago to always look forward. If we kept our minds firmly there, we could never face the future.

“It was Bree’s second Christmas, and she was still new to the whole present thing. Isla kept hiding her presents when she turned her head. She would place them back under the tree. Bree frowned and then reached for the same present again. It went on for about ten minutes before I put a stop to it.”

“What do ye usually get them?”

I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I thought about the sorts of things I purchased. “We have a tradition where the girls receive a new pair of pajamas. It’s a surprise so I set them on their beds while they shower. It varies year to year based on their lists and what I think they need. Last year they both received iPads as their expensive, frivolous gift. Thirty minutes before bedtime, they have to bring me their tablets for the night. I place it on their dressers the next morning. Bree got a new bike. Her last one was stolen because she forgot to chain it when they went to the park. Isla got a new bed.” I shrugged my shoulders. I preferred to get my children items they would actually use. “Neither of them play with dolls anymore. We donated most of their dolls and old toys. It happens rarely that they might play, but I don’t buy them new toys. I buy them clothes or give them money. They like picking out their own things.”

“Do ye think I can visit this year for Christmas?”

I knew he felt uncomfortable around me and I him in the years since our divorce, but I would’ve never begrudged him any holiday. He could’ve visited. Yes, we exchanged holidays and those Christmases without my daughters sucked, but I had more time with them. We usually did early Christmas those years.

I set my fork down and focused on him. “Jamie, you are welcome to visit them anytime. I don’t want you to feel as if I’m some sort of obstacle to overcome. You’re their father, and I wouldn’t have told you to step up your game if I hadn’t meant it.”

The laughter began as he told me stories about his employees. It was incredible he built a business for himself. He was always good at taking an opportunity and making something out of it. Soon our plates were cleared, pans soaked in the sink, and we sat inches apart.

“I shouldn’t indulge,” I told him as my eyes fixated on the chocolate cake. “I’ve cut back on sweets.”

A dangerous gleam appeared in his eyes. He picked off a piece and placed it at my lips. They opened for him of their own accord, and soon enough most, gooey chocolate cake was on my tongue. I savored the taste and slowly chewed. He swiped some icing off the top and traced my lips with it before covering them with his.

Before I knew it, our lips were eager and fast. Our tongues met somewhere in the middle and tangled languidly together. I tasted the chocolate on his tongue and moaned loudly. My hands tangled in his hair as I pulled him closer.

 _No, stop it! You can’t do this._ I pushed him away. “Stop, this isn’t right. Not like this.”

“Why not?” His eyes were liquid pools of desire and his lips were swollen and red. I did that to him.

 _Resist Claire, you must resist._ “I’m engaged and it shouldn’t be like this. You can’t say all of these things I’ve waited years to hear and then expect me to fall at your feet. I know what it feels like to have three people in a relationship and I would never do that to Peter. It’s wrong. I think it would be best if you took me back to my hotel room. I’ll forget about this incident and not hold it against you. You’ve just lost your better judgment is all.” _Or maybe I have._

He wasn’t pleased I put a halt in our evening activities, but it would’ve made a hypocrite out of me if I had let it go on any further. A kiss could be explained as getting carried away with the moment, but sex was something different. Sex was crossing too many lines. Neither Jamie nor myself believed in sex without intimacy, and I couldn’t go back there again with him. We had done that and both suffered. He had come to me after with the intention to fight and then gave up, but now when I was really with someone, he had no qualms interfering. How was that fair to me that now was the time?

He was sending me confusing messages. He dropped me off in front of the hotel. “Good night Jamie. Our flight is at ten, so we are leaving around eight. I’m truly sorry about everything, but I think you know too that it wouldn’t have been right if we had continued. There’s no future for us, and it would be wrong to think there is.”

“Before ye go, you calling me the coward is comical given our position. Ye’re running scared. You push people away and one day ye’ll be lonely. Do ye think Peter will forgive you if you tell him?”

I squeezed my eyes shut, willing myself not to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. “Yeah I do. At least I’ve got someone. I know you’re just trying to hurt me, but you know that’s not what I was trying to do. You talk a big game, but you never put your money where your mouth is. Why is it you wait until the worst possible moment to finally find your bollocks? You’ve had years. You can’t be mad at me for moving on. I told you in Paris about what happened when you allow feelings to infiltrate. If you honestly think that I moved on that quickly from you, then maybe you never knew me at all.”

I slammed the door and turned away without looking back.

**JPOV**

The next morning was not something I was looking forward to. Isla and Claire were leaving for Boston.

Things with Claire and I ended on a sour note. I had pushed her too far, but she was being unreasonable. Granted, she made a valid point about cheating. While I hadn’t physically cheated, there was an intimate aspect to my friendship with Britney. With Claire engaged, she would’ve been committing physical and intimate cheating. She was right that it wasn’t the time and saved us from making a mistake. That’s what it would have been if we had gone further as I had wanted and part of her had wanted to do it. I saw it in the smokiness of her eyes and the way she panted after we kissed.

We couldn’t start another chapter like this.

When I arrived at the hotel, Claire was at the desk checking out. She wore an expensive looking pair of jeans that hugged her ass. Her navy blazer prevented me from seeing the shirt underneath. Her shoes were a pair of flats that she would exchange for heels upon arrival at Logan. This was her business casual look and how she planned to appear when she arrived for her shift. Her hair was tied into some knot with a few pieces framing her face. I hadn’t ever seen her in her element at least not like this.

She was conversing with Melody at the counter, her giggles carrying through the lobby. Her smile faded when she turned and spotted me. That answered the question regarding her opinion of me following last night. Her face smoothed out and she turned back around as she signed her bill. “Have a safe flight and we hope you had an excellent stay, Mrs. Fraser.”

She smiled. “Thank you and have a wonderful day.” As she approached me, a spot of nerves hit me. The way we left things last night wasn’t good by any stretch of the imagination. “Jamie,” she greeted coolly.

Mel was polite enough not to comment on Claire’s attitude. “It was good seeing you and I hope to see you around more.” We shook hands and exchanged smiles. She winked at me and whispered, “Don’t let her fool you.”

Claire narrowed her eyes as her friend sauntered out of the building. “Well, it was good seeing you, and honestly last night was I don’t know. I apologize. I was out of line. Please feel free to visit Boston and Isla and Bree whenever you’d like. I can send you Bree’s soccer schedule for the fall. Please don’t let what happened between us last night affect anything with them.”

“I wouldn’t. I should apologize myself. You were right. That isn’t the way we should do things. It wouldn’t have been right. This Peter has been good to ye and deserves better. I’m sorry if I pushed ye or was inappropriate.”

“Bree and Isla are already at the car. So uh yeah, um you should say goodbye… well not to Bree since she’s staying and you’ll see her later, but definitely to Isla.” Claire only babbled when she was nervous.

It was raining outside and I slipped and stumbled into Claire’s back. “Careful that you don’t slip into me… I mean fall into me. It’s slippery out.”

I snorted. She hadn’t made a Freudian slip in years. Was she nervous?

Bree and Isla were in the back of the car, hiding from the rain. Bree looked as if someone kicked her puppy, and my heart ached for my baby girl. The last two weeks were the closest she ever had to something resembling a proper family, at least in her memory.

She was arguably quite upset, but she was putting on a brave face. I opened the backdoor to give Isla a fierce hug. I tried to be gentle and mindful of her existing injuries. While she appeared to have healed since her accident, I didn’t want to risk causing her any excess pain. “I love you dad,” she kissed my cheek. “Don’t worry about mom.” She whispered in my ear. “She’ll come to her senses, but also maybe . Lay the foundation and you’ll have a sturdy house.”

I stared wordlessly at her and she winked. I was terrified about what my daughter had learned in school all of a sudden. I thought she was attending a Catholic school.

“Have a good flight sweetheart, and ring when you get home.” She nodded and sent me a glittering smile. “I love ye.”

I nodded at Bree who was seeing her mother and sister off at the airport before Jenny dropped her back round. It would be the first time I would be alone with Bree since she was an infant. Although back then it wasn’t much as I usually had Isla with me as well. There were a few midnight feedings of just the two of us.

Claire’s glassy orbs met mine. “You’ve got to go or ye’ll miss yer flight.” She nodded but made no attempt to move. Jenny watched us with sharp eyes, warning me not to do anything. “Go on,” I opened the door for her and she hesitantly slid in.

“Goodbye Jamie,” she whispered softly. “I am sorry.”

I choked back a cry as I watched her struggle. I meant what I said when I told her that it wasn’t her fault. I was too pushy and she wasn’t where I was. She had commitments she couldn’t forget about, nor would I want her to. Timing sucked.

I covered my face, trying to push down the urge to chase after them. I couldn’t do that. Claire didn’t need that from me. She needed me to stay. She had too many other things to worry about than me interfering. This wasn’t me waving my white flag. I was biding my time and making my plans. Claire didn’t see me as a viable option at the moment, but she would one day view me as the only option.

I got in my own vehicle and headed home. It was time to start laying my foundation.

**CPOV**

I watched as he disappeared from the rearview mirror. I wiped away my tears with my arm and turned towards the window to avoid Jenny and Mel’s knowing gazes. They knew something was bothering me after they arrived back with my children. They rushed Isla and Bree into Mel’s room and Mel let them order anything off room service.

Jenny and Mel hadn’t known what to do to cheer me up after I explained what happened. They understood both points of view. Neither could tell me what to do. My head was all mixed up and my heart was confused. I meant what I said about him waiting years to tell me all those things. I was frustrated with him and angry with myself.

The girls were silent and melancholic in the backseat, and my heart went out to them. They’d never spent more than a weekend apart in their entire lives. The next three weeks would be agonizing for them as they tried to figure out how to not be around one another. I knew for as much as they fought, they fiercely loved one another. Isla was Bree’ biggest defender and vice versa.

It was a strange situation all around. Bree was staying in Scotland, and not coming home with Isla and myself.

All of us remained in our own heads for the rest of the car ride. Jenny parked in short-term parking as she and Bree would escort us in and walk with us as far as security allowed. Melody took care of printing our tickets, while we waited to check our bags.

Melody's blonde hair was thrown up into a casual bun, and she was dressed in a Boston hoodie and jeans. Bree threw her arms around her. I knew Bree was struggling with the idea of separation from not only me but her sister. If she didn’t have one of us, she usually had the other.

Melody played with the ends of Bree’s braid. “Hey kiddo,” she attempted to cajole my daughter who wasn’t having it. “Come on Bree, it’s only a few weeks. Then we will spend sometime on the beach at the Vineyard.” Her little red head pulled back slightly and I imagined there were tears.

“Promise?” Her voice croaked out. She held out her pinky.

Melody smiled at her cuteness because Bree was still a little girl underneath it all. “I pinky promise.” They swung their pinkies together basking in these little moments left to us.

My monkey unwrapped herself from her pseudo aunt before clinging to me. I leaned down to kiss her head and inhaled the scent of kid’s shampoo. “Awe Bree, mummy promises it’ll only be a few weeks. You’ll spend the rest of the time with your dad. That’ll be fun, right?” Her face was miserable as she shrugged her shoulders. “I guess. I miss Peaches and all of our fish. I miss my bed and now that I’ve seen you, I’m going to miss you lots.”

“You can call whenever you’d like sweetheart. The time will fly before you know it and then you’ll be back in my arms, annoying your sister, and cuddling Peaches.”

Her blue eyes glistened as she refused to cry. I knew she was keeping a tight wrap on her emotions, and I hated the situation we were all facing. There wasn’t anything to be done about it because I had to go back to work.

Isla was going to see the same physical therapist she saw when she injured her shoulder playing field hockey. Her physical therapy this time around would have an increase in the intensity as there was much more to heal. I wasn’t overly worried. On those days, she would travel with me to the hospital and spend two hours there before the private nurse I hired would pick her up and take her home.

However, my heart ached for my young daughter as she would inevitably miss summer conditioning for field hockey and the whole season. Isla and I emailed the coach who said that Isla could participate as the team manager, while Isla would’ve preferred to play out on the field, at least she could still be with her friends. 

There was a wheelchair waiting for us at check in for it was easier for Isla to get around the airport. We had her crutches, but didn’t want her hobbling across the airport. It was going to be a long enough day.

Bree tried to put on a brave face as she and her sister exchanged goodbyes with each other, but her eyes expressed her sadness and her lips were downturned. “I’m going to miss you. Who’s going to play with me?” I pretended to not hear their conversation.

Jenny caught my eye and motioned me over. “It’s okay Claire, I think my dolt of a brother will be fine. Ye clearly worked things out.”

“Or something. We apologized. I don’t know much beyond that. I don’t want this to interfere with anything else.”

“He’s an eejit. He’ll figure it all out. I’m sorry last night didna go as planned.”

I ran a hand down the side of my face. I screwed up my face as I held back my own tears because it shouldn’t be so complicated. We created a new series of problems for ourselves even though we had sorted through our previous ones. It was an endless, nightmarish cycle. When would it end?

Jenny pulled me into a fierce hug and I shed a few tears in her loose hair. She rubbed my back and shushed me. “Dinna cry sister, I canna stand yer tears. What the two of ye require now is some time and space to think. Ye have just dealt with a difficult, emotional situation that forced ye to come together after all these years. It’s alright if ye dinna ken how things will progress from here.”

I nodded, desperately wanting to believe the words she was telling me. I squeezed her tighter before pulling away from her. I was already a mess, and was more than a little thankful I hadn’t put any make-up on my face.

Jenny moved over to Isla and they said their goodbyes, before the three of us headed towards security. We waved at them as we began the process of going home. I couldn’t help but feel as if I left mine, and I knew he probably had similar feelings at the moment.

I forced myself not to think about him as we made our way through and to our gate. It only served to hurt me to think about him after last night.

His touch was still on my skin. The warmth filled me with something indescribable, and I ached for his presence. It was wrong, so wrong, and I told myself it was all the time we had spent together recently.

I watched through the windows as our plane stopped at the gate. They would begin boarding soon enough and the distance would be there to prevent further physical contact. _Thank god_. I had made a fool out of myself. What was with all of the babbling nonsense and had I really said slip into me? I was mortified.

My eyes slipped shut as tears burned my retinas because I wanted to go back to last night. I had to tell him we could figure it out, but I couldn’t make those sorts of promises. It was unrealistic. From all accounts, there was a woman in his life even if I hadn’t met her during my time here, and I had Peter.

We were doused in a bucket of freezing water. Reality had come back to us. My skin prickled at the cold. Drenched from head to toe in ice, and I saw him.

His eyes glowed a dark blue as he stared at me in the distance. A divide forged as we dug our sticks in the ground. Where brightness once lived, darkness came in and stole its’ place. It claimed us and took everything we had to offer. The river flooded until the fire disappeared entirely. On the other side he lived and went on.

I shivered and wrapped my arms around my body, seeking warmth I couldn’t provide myself. I clutched at my skin until my fingers turned white. My lips tinged blue and my hair clung to my face as I cried out for that which I knew was no longer mine.

The river grew until an ocean formed and the distance became unbearable. It wasn’t a matter of swimming across any longer for I knew I was drowning.

A hand on my shoulder woke me from my light sleep. My eyes popped open to the sight of Melody smiling sadly at me. She didn’t have to ask about what happened for it was there in her eyes. “Come on Claire, time to go home.”

My head nodded as I draw myself up from the uncomfortable airport seat. Melody made all of the arrangements and changed our seats, but it was easier to sit Isla in first class in the front. Her leg didn’t make air travel easy for us, but between the three of us, we managed to create something comfortable for her. I had given her some pain medication, but I would give her the stronger one on our second flight where she could sleep for longer.

She fully charged her iPad the night before, and in her bag, a summer reading book remained untouched. I took the window seat beside her, and Melody was across the aisle from us. She was only going to the hospital to check on some of her patients before driving halfway across town to visit the practice she joined.

As the plane filled with passengers, the countdown was on until we were in the air.

My eyes watched as we taxied the runaway. I felt as the plane picked up speed until the beginnings of flight happened, and then we were finally in the air. We rose higher and higher in the air, and I saw the city of Edinburgh below us. Jamie was down there somewhere. I placed my hand on the window and realized how empty I was on the inside.

I was drained after the events of last night and the early hours of this morning. “Sleep mommy,” Isla murmured to me.

I sank back into the seat and closed my eyes, letting my dreams float me away from the reality of what I’ve done.

When I awoke we were preparing for our descent into London where we had a one hour layover before a straight flight into Logan. Isla was drowsy as I roused her from her sleep. She had to take her pain medication soon for her leg.

“Do you want me to get you any food?” Her head bobbed a bit. I saw her energy was depleted and wondered what exactly she and her sister got up to last night.

As we made our way to our gate, we stopped briefly for coffee, juice, and pastries. There would be a meal on our next flight. While I wasn’t a huge fan of plane food, I knew Isla needed to eat something to take her medication.

Isla and I waited for Melody to come back from the restroom in silence. It was oppressive and I felt judgmental waves rolling off of her. I knew she wanted to address it, but there are also topics you don’t have the right to bring up with your parents. “Oh out with it already!” I finally told her, unable to take it anymore.

Her dark blues widened impressively as her gaze swiveled in my direction. I saw her conflicting emotions and wondered which one she would go with first. We hadn’t much privacy in the hospital as there were always visitors and staff around.

She chewed on her lips with a pensive expression on her pretty face. She was still fair, especially after the last two weeks in the hospital. “Did you and dad fight last night?”

I thanked God I hadn’t taken a swig of my coffee at that moment. “Isla,” I tried to hold her hand, but she pulled it back with a stubborn look. I sighed tiredly, not entirely read for this conversation. “I know what you want. The problem is it’s hard to give to you.”

“Do you love him?”

I wished fervently it was as simple as children believed. There was the Beatles song as well, but love wasn’t always enough. “I think you know the answer. Regardless the fact remains we live over three thousand miles apart, and we are divorced. I am engaged to Peter. I know you know.”

Isla was tenacious and saw beyond my reasons. “People can get remarried. I mean you haven’t been all that mindful of Peter’s feelings when I see you staring at dad.”

My face hardened immediately as her disrespectful words. I was tiring of her impertinent behavior, and she crossed a line. “Look, I understand your anger is directed me because I am an easy target for you at the moment. However, your dad is a grown adult too. We make our own decisions, and this is a choice.”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah a stupid one. Why couldn’t you just be nice to him?”

I dug my nails into my palms. “How do you know it was my fault?”

“It’s always about you and your ego. You’re being so stubborn. Why?”

“Why are we even having this conversation?”

“Because you asked.”

“Well I won’t make that mistake again.”

“Yeah, you’re too busy making others.” She crossed her arms and turned away.

My face hardened instantly. She knew my opinion on disrespect. “Excuse me, you better watch your tone young lady. I’m still your mother and you won’t talk to me like that. Is that understood?” She mumbled something. “I’m sorry, but I didn’t hear that.”

“I said yes,” she ground out.

“I’m warning you Isla Faith Fraser, if you use that tone one more time, you will be grounded. I don’t care if you’re injured or not. You don’t get to disrespect me because you don’t like how I handle my personal affairs.”

Her face was screwed up ready to argue back when Melody returned from the restroom. She folded her arms angrily across her chest and faced forward, ignoring me for the remainder of our wait. Melody and I exchanged seats on the flight to allow Isla time to cool down before we were home. I knew the reason was she had too much of me in her and not enough of her father. She was forgiving and generous when she desired, but as she’d gotten older those traits came out less often. She was single minded and stubborn, too much like me. Our personalities tended to clash as she got older.

The majority of the time we were alright as we navigated our relationship, but it was always after time in Scotland when I received the silent treatment and loathing glares.

Somewhere over the Atlantic I fell asleep and slept the entire way back to Boston. It was a dreamless sleep, and I was okay with it.

I was minutes from full on sobbing, but I managed to hold it in. I was crumbling in my failures. “Oh darling,” my mum said upon catching sight of me. She pulled me into her arms and mumbled sweet things. “You’ll be alright Claire.”

I smiled a little with some difficulty before kissing her on the cheek. “I love you mum.”

I knelt in front of Isla and tipped her chin in my direction. “I respect you, and I want you to respect me. Daddy and I love you and your sister. Adults don’t always have the answers you want. I’m sorry you’re hurting, but I don’t want to confuse you. I’ll pick you up tomorrow after rounds. Have a nice afternoon with your grandma and tell Ellie’s parents hello for me.” I kissed her head.

“I love you too mom.” She said before we went our separate ways. It was just after noon, and I wasn’t feeling all the way rested but I needed the distraction work would provide.

“So should I bring it up or will you?”

I blew air out of my lips as I wiped the sweat from my brow. “I’m not sure what there is to say.”

“I feel as if you know your statement is bullshit. Bear, it’s alright to be scared of the future. Do you think you made a mistake?”

I ducked my head because it was the answer it shouldn’t be. “No,” I said, sliding into her Mercedes. “He was being an arsehole. I did apologize for taking it too far.”

Her eyes peered at me and I saw the love she bore for me. It was no longer romantic, but sort of how one regarded a sister. When she met Callie, her whole life tilted on its’ axis and she was swept away in the aftermath. I officiated the wedding and Isla and Bree served as flower girls.

I knew Mel wasn’t the biggest fan of Peter. She believed I was settling for someone because I couldn’t have what I truly wanted. She was aware I had genuine love for him, but it wasn’t as strong or all consuming.

I didn’t always know. In the beginning, it took time for me to warm up to him, and it was because I wanted someone else. It was unfair how I treated him. I had to tuck Jamie into a box and lock it because I couldn’t allow him to invade my life. I had to move on and figure out who I was outside of our relationship. I had no idea if I could be in another relationshipor how to be in one. I had to figure it out along the way. Luckily for me Peter was patient. 

The glass was cool against my skin, and I wished I wasn’t empty. My phone buzzed in my lap. I ignored it.

“Sometimes Claire you make things harder than they should be.” I was finding that to be the truest statement about my life. “I worry about you because sometimes you’re the loneliest person in the room.”

“What the hell do you want from me Mel?”

“Honesty.” She stated.

I blamed the raging humidity outside, but my face brightened probably three shades of red. “I don’t know when I’ve lied.” I said rather tartly. I didn’t appreciate her insinuations.

She sighed and readjusted the sunglasses on her face. “Honey, I’m not implying you’ve intentionally lied to me at any point during our friendship. My issue is with you not being honest with yourself. You hold everyone to the same standard when it comes to the truth, but you lie constantly to yourself. I saw the glances exchanged between you and Jamie. You stared at the man as if he filled in the missing pieces of your soul.” I looked away as she continued. “He looks at you the same way. So I’ll ask once, and only this one time. Did you wish something would’ve happened last night?”

“Yes.”

“Do you regret not going further?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“There’s the Peter of it all. I could never do that to him. It would be wrong. I love him.” The honest to God truth was I felt sick on the inside.

She squeezed my shoulder sympathetically, but I didn’t appreciate the pity directed my way. I deserved to feel wretched about what happened.

The drive to the hospital was quicker than usual as most people were already at work for the day, and afternoon traffic wasn’t due to start for several more hours. We slid into a parking spot close to the building, and I exhaled in relief as the environment inside the car was stifling. I had no plausible explanation for more actions, nor did I have any sort of plan in place going forth.

I pulled my hair back into a bun as I didn’t want to imagine the state it was in after all of the traveling. Mel grabbed my arm before I started to walk away. “Don’t beat yourself up about this Bear. You get to make your own choices about your life. It’s none of my business what you do, and don’t ever feel pressured to do anything because of the wants of others. It’s your life.” With those parting words, she brushed past me into the hospital and I only saw the bounce of her blonde waves as she disappeared into the crowd.

My phone rang again, and I finally decided to turn it off. At the moment, my only focus was my work. I didn’t have any available space left in my brain for the other details of my life.

The residents were floating about and some greeted me as they noticed me. “Hello Dr. Fraser,” one of my residents with potential called.

“I hope you’re daughter’s doing well,” another said.

My residents were notorious for sucking up to me when they saw it as potential for advancement in the program. Most of them were bright with a few needing extra encouragement and skills labs to catch up to their classmates. I had no room for coddling those incapable of following my instructions.

A few times I saw the blonde hair of Peter and ducked around a corner to avoid him. It wasn’t mature of me, but I was self aware enough to know if we spoke, everything would spill out of my mouth as a stream of consciousness. The guilt burned in my chest. I was reminded of the Tell-Tale Heart.

As far as he was concerned I was faithful to him. I didn’t want to imagine his reaction when I revealed what occurred in Scotland. The shame nearly toppled me over, it was strong and pervasive, and I knew I couldn’t in good conscience continue on as if I hadn’t shared a couple of kisses with my ex-husband. It was unfair and cruel to do that to him. He’d done nothing to warrant such behavior for me. I had to be honest.

I planted my head on my forearms as I stared at the dark paneling of my desk. I was an absolute wreck. A knock on my door distracted me from my musings.

“Hey Lady Jane, I was wondering when you’d grace these halls with your beautiful face.”

An unencumbered smile grew on my face as Joe entered the room. “Well you’re a sight for sore eyes.”

“What’s wrong?” I’d known Joe for longer than Mel, and he read my moods as well as I did. “Oh Claire,” he groaned, already figuring out I was a mess. “How’s Jamie?”

I swallowed heavily, bile threatening to come up. My throat tightened and sweat poured out of my body. It seemed as if the world was closing in on me and I couldn’t breathe. Everything spun around me until blackness took over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been biting my tongue for a month now whenever I saw comments pertaining to this part of the story. While I understand your wants, looking back I hated this plot. There's many reasons for this. First of all, it's cheating. I don't condone cheating in any form, particularly after my parents and their divorce. I'm not entirely sure why I had written it that way in the original, but I regret that. Secondly, I don't like the idea of reuniting after cheating. It devalues what they do/will share. Lastly, instead of practically jumping right into a relationship, I would rather build it up. We will still get to the same place in the end, but I want it to be organic and not because of their circumstances. I hope that makes sense.


	17. The Next Right Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready!! Surprise! I'm posting not one, not two, but 5 chapters. Woohoo!!!

**CPOV**

The stillness of the night created an atmosphere perfect for silent contemplation.

The phone taunted me from the corner of the nightstand. I was tempted to call and make a plea for forgiveness and love. I was prepared to grovel if it came to that.

It was all of the alcohol coursing through my system that had me believing it was a wonderful idea. Ordinarily, my thoughts weren’t fuzzy and I could talk myself out of something ludicrous.

I indulged in spirits with my friends at a party celebrating all of our successes and achievements. I begged off in the past not wanting to deal with the hassle of finding a babysitter or cajoling my mother into watching the girls for me while I went out. She did offer, I usually rejected it. I always felt better when I was with them, and hated worrying about who was watching over them. Secretly, it was because I knew they didn’t actually need me hovering over them like I did when they were younger. They wouldn’t cry or throw a tantrum if I was gone for a night. My mother spoiled them when I was gone.

It was likely somewhere between my second shot of tequila and the rum and coke where things were a bit hazy. Mel had invited me over to stay the night and I fumbled with my phone as I struggled to type a message to my mum. My head flopped back into the arm of the couch as Melody settled me. “You know Claire, sometimes I forget how much fun you can be. You handled those shots like a pro.”

I squinted my eyes at her as I struggled to clear the fogginess in my head. My tongue reminded me of lead, and I found it difficult to open my mouth to express my thoughts. I merely nodded, which was somewhat safe for the moment. I knew in the morning, I wouldn’t appreciate my decision to drink as much as I had. I hadn’t drank that much since uni.

Melody sat on the edge of the coffee table with her hands in her lap as she regarded me sadly. I recognized pity when I saw it, and I didn’t appreciate the sight of it on her face. “Oh don’t look at me like that,” I muttered disdainfully. “I’m perfectly alright.”

One of her carefully sculpted eyebrows arched. “You’re a mess.” She stated plainly.

“No I’m not,” I scoffed, attempting to push myself off the couch and regain my misplaced equilibrium. “Just had a bit too much.”

Her face softened, the lines relaxing as she tucked her hair back. “Honey, you drank more than your weight’s worth of alcohol tonight. Do not lie there and tell me false truths. I’ve known you for too long now to believe that. If you won’t be honest, then don’t talk.” I had wounded her with my dishonesty. I saw it in her face before she masked her emotions. “The guest room is ready whenever you pull yourself together. Good night,” she said before heading up the stairs.

I finally managed to get myself steady enough to make the excruciating trip to the guest room. I crawled up the stairs and then used the banister to pull myself into a standing position. I stumbled and flopped onto the bed like a fish out of water. There was delayed pain from stubbing my toe on the bed post, but it was numb from the amount of alcohol I consumed.

My headed pounded angrily against my skull, but luckily I wasn’t feeling a hint of nausea at the moment. In the morning, I probably wouldn’t be as fortunate. Everyone shared stories and laughter over the course of the night, but all I thought about were my own failures. I was in my thirties, divorced with two children, my mother lived with me, and my ex went as far as he possibly could to get away from me. I wasn’t the person people were clamoring to be despite how it appeared on the outside. My life seemed sort of picturesque or idyllic in a way that it actually wasn’t.

I sat there in the darkness with strange shadows lurking and silence reigning supreme. My eyes fell on my phone and before I knew what I was doing and could stop myself, my fingers were unlocking and dialing. My actions hadn’t fully caught up until I heard a “hello.”

I froze and pulled the phone away from my ear as I stared at the name on my screen. _What was I doing?_ I shouldn’t have called anyone in my inebriated state, and should’ve gone straight to sleep. I hadn’t reached to call him impulsively in years. I had trained myself not to. He wasn’t available to me that way anymore. _Why was it him?_

“Sassenach?” His voice sounded raspy. “Claire, I can hear ye breathing.”

I bit my lip and scrunched my eyes as I attempted to consider my options. My brain was on the sluggish side, and I was having a difficult time processing any sort of information.

“Ah Dhia, are ye drunk?”

I sighed because of how well he knew me. Despite years and distance separating us, no one knew me quite like him. He understood what made me tick and all of my little idiosyncrasies. It was like him in a way to appreciate all of me including my quirks. “Yes,” I finally answered him. My tongue was heavy in my mouth, but I pushed through with a little effort. “I went out with some friends. There were shots involved.”

I heard rustling on his end and wondered if I interrupted anything. There was an ocean of possibilities for what he was currently doing. “Have ye had any water?”

“No,” I murmured. “I’ve only settled now. I’m in someone else’s bed.” It took me longer than I wanted to process my words. “Not like I just had sex and am calling you because yeah that would be bad, and inappropriate. I’m calling from a friend’s guest bed. She’s a lesbian, which there’s nothing wrong with that. But I’m not her type and yeah she’s just letting me stay the night. I’m going to shut up now.” My head was still a bit foggy, but some of my thoughts were quite clear. Somehow my mouth decided to keep the conversation going. “I’m not sure why I called you.” I admitted to him.

There were some other noises in the background. “I think we both ken that’s a lie.” I swallowed back bile. “Do ye want to tell me the real reason?”

My eyes darted around the dark room. “I’m lonely. I fear I’ve made a mess of everything in my life, and what if I never find happiness again? Maybe I’m destined to be alone and watch others find their own.” I was entirely unable to follow the process of my pity party that particular night. “Mel is in love and if you had met her, it would’ve seemed impossible that she would find someone, not that she’s not worthy of it. All of my friends are getting into relationships and married, and I’m getting invites to these weddings. Their only expectation is I bring our children. Am I that pathetic?”

It was the end of one journey and beginning of another, but Jamie had missed my start. He washed his hands of me, and I wondered often if the whole situation was more my fault than his. I carried around my own guilt like a well worn blanket.

I imagined him as he licked his lips. His eyes would pinch together and his nose crinkled as he conjured up the right words to relay to me. “Claire, sweetheart I think you’ve also had too much to drink, but I also believe that ye will find happiness again. Yer such an intelligent, beautiful, strong, compassionate, compelling woman that any man would be lucky to call ye his. You know love is unexpected and sometimes it just happens when you’re not looking for it.”

Tears stung my eyes at his words, and I suddenly wished there was a lack of distance separating us because I would’ve crawled into his arms and never let go. “Do you consider yourself among them?” I wanted to smack myself as soon as the words left me as I was hyper aware of the awkward position I placed him in with my question.

“Always,” he replied softly. “I canna pretend as if ye weren’t the love of my life. I ken some people believe we have multiple, and while I dinna necessarily believe in one right person for ye, I do think we have choice. We choose to love that person every day. So even if I have lost ye, I continue to choose to love ye.” He finished and I felt empty at his words.

I wanted to reassure him and comfort him, to confirm that I was always his heart and soul. I was his in blood and sweat. We’d made our vows. We had small tattoos on our ring fingers. I had a black J and he had a C. I normally covered it with make-up so I didn’t have to think about what it represented and the sorts of feelings it conjured. It was part of my commitment to him because if I was willing to permanently mark my flesh, then I had to be all in. I wanted to prove to him that our relationship would last through everything the future had in store for us.

Perhaps I was wrong, but I still had yet to regret the decision to permanently mark my skin. If anything it reminded me if I were to find another in the future, he should consume me just as Jamie had. Those weren’t necessarily the correct words to describe the sentiment. Maybe it wasn’t they weren’t strong enough to describe what Jamie symbolized in my life.

He was the ocean in which I drowned myself. There was no sense of coherency or comprehension when I allowed myself to fall for him. When I knew for sure, there was no going back to the way things were.

I hadn’t tried to use logic or reason to justify my relationships, and maybe that made all of the difference. When I met men, I thought of the long term. If I couldn’t envision any sort of future for us, I cut my ties with them. It was cruel and screamed apathetic, but I’d already put myself through the wringer in the aftermath of tragedy.

“Is it pathetic if I told you I still loved you?”

“Would ye pity me if I told ye, I could never love anyone like you?”

I choked on some tears as released a well deserved laugh. “Maybe one day,” I told him.

“Get some rest, drink water, and be happy Claire. The future will come.” I wiped away the lingering wetness on my cheeks and clicked the end button. I was still all in, blood and sweat. My tears, my blood, everything that I was, it was his.

\- May 2015

* * *

I scrunched my eyes and groaned as light began filtering through my eyelids. I remembered the suffocating and the heat I experienced before I blacked out in the confines of my office. The shock on Joe’s face was more than enough for me to know I hit my head on the way down. It explained the dull ache at the base of my skull.

I carefully peeled an eye open to find myself hooked up to an IV with a hospital bracelet and everything. I sort of imagined this scenario occurring the moment I registered my fading consciousness.

Everyone kept confronting me about my decisions and my relationships, but the truth was I absolutely had no idea. I hadn’t thought that far ahead because I could never think in terms of the future. My life until now had been done in stages, and there wasn’t a lot of room to think about more than tomorrow.

I attempted it once in my whole life when I was pregnant with Gabriel, and the disappointment I suffered afterwards was more than enough to thwart me from trying it again. I was practical and logistical, and relied on the tangible to see me through. I wasn’t a wonderer with a flight of fancy like Jamie. Jamie would say my father’s death had a profound impact on how I viewed life, but truthfully I was already like this when he was alive. He always said I was a serious child, especially in comparison to my younger brother.

What I told him was the honest to goodness truth about what I was currently experiencing. We rushed through the whole process before, and in the moment I was ready to tackle the responsibility of being a wife and eventually a mother. Then I had no idea the twists the roads of my life would take, and the form my eventual pain would come in.

I thought about the dream I had. Three years ago, I was fresh off my residency and celebrating with my coworkers. We could hardly believe we survived all those years of hell. We were forced to take shitty shifts, or do the grunt work of attendings. We had to fill out hundreds of charts and monitor patient vitals at all hours. We made nice with the nurses and forged friendships to last a lifetime. We learned the craft of surgery and perfected our techniques. Some of my friends stayed, while others moved onto new destinations. We still chatted and they visited occasionally. It was different. We had grown and matured into professionals.

Of course, the one way most people who were relatively young celebrated was by hitting the bar. We did a fancy dinner with all of us before deciding throwing darts and playing pool was much more fun and a better way to release five years’ worth of stress and sleepless nights.

I couldn’t say even in the present what caused me to indulge so much, but I’d forgotten about the phone call I placed that night. I was completely plastered, and the next morning I woke up with my hair flattened by my pillow, my make-up smudged, and my mouth felt like something died in there. It wasn’t pleasant in the slightest.

It wasn’t until around two in the afternoon I resembled something human looking. I didn’t arrive back home until nearly six as my equilibrium was still not up to my usual standards. Mel smiled sympathetically and passed the painkillers. She made me a late lunch which I nearly tossed in the toilet soon after, but we never spoke about the night again.

It was sort of embarrassing to have that sort of clarity in my life again. I was unaccustomed to needing someone. Want was a different word and had all kinds of connotations, but wanting and needing were two distinctive things.

I hadn’t considered then that where Jamie was concerned it was always both. The problem was I had no clue what it meant in realistic terms with us separated by more than just an ocean. Sometimes it seemed as if the river between us wasn’t as wide as if our two banks were mending the gap. Those two weeks we spent were some of the best in the last few years of my life.

Did it make me an awful person to think such a thing? I wanted to bury my face and release all of my feelings into it because what was I supposed to do? I had a perfectly lovely man who I did love, but was the quantity the same? Did I love him as much or less than? Was it quantifiable or fair in the first place?

I pushed back my tears of frustration and shut my eyes once more.

Sleep was my escape from the screwed up love triangle I made of my life. The problem was one third of the triangle didn’t know about the other.

He had done nothing wrong except love me. Yet, here I was thinking of another man. While I was not an actual adulterer, I was a cheater. There was no way to misconstrue the facts on that one. Kissing someone and having feelings for them whilst in another relationship was a betrayal.

To find relief from my traitorous thoughts I drifted back to sleep where my conscious mind no longer had any control.

A nurse woke me every hour to monitor my concussion. Luckily, I never quite woke up from my slumber, and found it more than easy to fall back into unconsciousness. I was exhausted mentally and physically, and my body sought rest from all the current stressors of my life. Everyone expected something from me, but I had nothing left to give.

I’d stretched myself beyond my limitations. My heart had mixed emotions and my head didn’t know what to think. It was rare they were in sync. Normally, my head told me one thing, while my heart told me the opposite. At the moment, they were confused and didn’t know what to do. With Jamie gone from my life again, Peter was the rightful option. He was the safe choice. He didn’t have the power to hurt me.

“Hello Dr. Fraser,” Macy one of my favorite nurses greeted as she entered my room. It was half past eight in the morning, and with a bit of luck they would discharge me after morning rounds. “You’re looking much better.” I could’ve gone AMA, but there was no one at home to monitor my condition. I could’ve called Peter, but then to assuage my guilt, I would’ve told him the truth.

I smiled wanly. I was a bit mortified by yesterday’s fainting. I had never done that before in my life, and for it to occur at my place of work was the icing on the proverbial cake. I was positive I was the topic amongst the nurses and residents, not to say the attendings were above gossip, but many of them feared me in a way. The residents did too as I was tough on them.

I expected the best and had high standards. I was never harder than they needed. Some required extra motivation and more than a little push, while others needed just the slightest hint of encouragement. It was all about balance.

The rumor mill was dangerous at work. I could only imagine what they were saying.

“I feel much better. Do you think I’ll be able to go home today?” I tried not to appear to eager, but the hospital environment was making me uneasy. It was not a feeling I was accustomed to as I’d always enjoyed spending countless hours here, but my skin was crawling.

She checked my vitals. “Well we mostly kept you for observation because you hadn’t regained consciousness. I imagine Dr. Evans will have no issue discharging you after rounds. You just need some rest and a few pain killers. Your fall left a nasty bruise, and you did need four stitches. It might scar a bit, but nothing that won’t eventually fade.” Her eyes darted to the door before resting upon me once more.

I sighed and gestured for her to take a seat. “What is it Macy?”

“Well,” her hesitation unnerved me. She was never someone to mince words, and I had the impression she was holding back something. “There are all sorts of rumors floating around the hospital about you...” her voice petered off, and I felt for her.

While we were friends, I wasn’t normally a talkative or open person about my personal life. “What are the rumors if I may ask?” I was nervous about what my coworkers were saying.

Macy’s grey eyes showed her reluctance to ask the question. Her face was full of indecision and silence descended over us. The tension was palpable, and I suddenly became anxious. Nervous thoughts crept into my brain because no good could come from what she was holding back

“I’ve heard in the break room you’re pregnant, or there’s a popular one spreading that you and Peter broke things off after he proposed to you.”

Immediately, I sat up in bed with surprise written all over my face. “I beg your pardon?” Where did people come up with such vitriol? I expected my colleagues to behave as mature adults, and not involve themselves in my affairs. It never bothered me in the past when someone became hot gossip for weeks, but I was slowly understanding what a curse it was.

Her face colored as she lowered her eyes in embarrassment. “I truly apologize for any offense. I don’t believe anything unless it comes from the horse’s mouth. I thought you should be aware of what people were spreading about you.” I considered offering her words of comfort, but my head refused to wrap itself around what people were saying.

It was understandable the rumors about Peter and I. Normally we spent much of our free time at work with one another, but I had disappeared right after he proposed to me. The pregnancy thingwould explain why I fainted to them even though it was dehydration and stress. They preferred drama over facts.

“I was out of line for telling you all about that,” she finished checking my vitals. “I hope Isla is doing better. I heard she was in a car accident.”

I cleared my throat and silently thanked her for the quick change of topic. “Yes, she’s recovering at a friend’s house currently. I’ll pick her up on my way home. She had a femur fracture that required surgery and she’s not happy about what it means for her life in the short term. However she should be as good as new with some physical therapy and rest.”

“Well you tell her she’s in my prayers, and I hope you feel better too Claire.”

I smiled at her. “I’m not wholly bothered by what you said.” I told as she was about to exit. “I’m not pregnant and I haven’t broken things off with Peter.”

Her shoulders slumped in what I thought was relief. “Rest up, they’ve started rounds. We will have to make plans soon.”

By the time rounds finished, I was well on my way to being discharged. Not surprisingly the person waiting for me at the nurses’ station was Mel. She wore her worried mother look, and I knew I would get an earful from her.

“What the hell Claire?”

I rubbed my forehead wearily as I filled out paperwork. “I was dehydrated and stress. I promise it wasn’t anything serious. They really kept me overnight to monitor the concussion., I hit my desk on the way down.” I glanced up as I felt the bitter sting of tears. It seemed I would never be done.

Mel wrapped an arm around my shoulders and guided me to her car. Her face told me everything and I tried to ignore it. I rested my head against the window and fell back to sleep.

Somewhere along the way, we picked up Isla, but I was too tired to notice. “Mom?” Her voice held a hint of worry, and I smiled sleepily at her.

“Don’t worry about her, she’s on painkillers.”

“What happened?” I knew Melody’s words weren’t meant to throw Isla into a panic, but considering her own recent hospital stay, I doubted the word painkillers would be used in any sort of positive context. “Why does she have stitches?”

“She fainted and bumped her head. She has a slight concussion, but she will be just fine. She needs some rest. Which is why I’ll be staying with you guys tonight?”

In my sleep altered mind, I didn’t appreciate the thought of her hanging around. I longed for someone else to take care of me, but was more than self-aware enough to know I wouldn’t call him. I needed time to think and decided what I was going to do.

I found myself in my own bed and sunk into its’ comforts.

**JPOV**

I tried Claire on her mobile more than a dozen times and reached her voicemail. Eventually, it went straight to voicemail instead of ringing. I didn’t know if she was avoiding me or if her work was busy, or her phone died.

I kent very well she arrived back in Boston. I checked online for arrivals, and her flight arrived early.

Isla texted me from her phone. She was on her way to stay with a friend for the evening as her mother had a late shift to work. She told me their flights were fine and her grandmother picked her up at the airport.

Bree sulked her way into the house and I wanted nothing but to see her smile. She was upset about being left behind, and I sympathized with the lass. She pushed food around her plate at lunch before excusing herself to her room.

Jenny smiled sadly. “She was upset at the airport. There were a few tears on the way back. She’s not used to being on her own. I think if ye give it some time, she’ll adjust.”

I hated that her mother and sister’s departure was having such a negative effect on Bree. I missed my smiley girl. In her place was doom and gloom. She spent much of the night in her room crying and I was useless to stop it. I had never really done it aside from when she was a bairn and the reasons for her tears were easier to determine.

As soon as she left, I knew it was a mistake for me to allow her to leave like that.

“What are ye thinking?” Something on my face must’ve registered to Jenny because she was instantly suspicious of me, and rightly so because I was slowly formulating a plan. “Are ye really considering what it is I think ye are?” Her face reflected her feelings on the matter. Her eyes held caution, but there was a small spark of hope as well.

I ran a hand through my hair. “I dinna ken what ye are talking about. My priority at the moment is to make sure Bree is alright. I haven’t had time with her like this in years. Say hello to Ian and the whole family for me, and dinna worry so much Jenny.” I kissed her head and walked her to the door.

I loved my sister dearly, but she meddled far too much in my life. She meant well, but she couldn’t help but mother me after the death of our mother. She took on the responsibility, and while I was thankful I preferred her to simply stay my sister.

She didn’t particularly enjoy being reminded she had no control over my life, but she backed off and chose to give me a hug with a look that said “I hope you know what you’re doing.” I hoped I did as well.

I glanced at the paperwork I started months ago. I had made a final decision.

**CPOV**

_Four weeks later_

Rest and no stress did wonders for me. There was still a dull throbbing sensation in my head, but the pain was much less intense. I had some pain medication Melody picked up for me on the way home, and there was a glass of nightstand with two pills ready for me. Within a few days, the stitches were removed and there was only a tiny scar along my hairline.

Melody and her wife were godsends. Callie helped with Isla, as I was mostly on the receiving end of the silent treatment. My eleven year old refused to speak to me unless it was absolutely necessary, and even then there was an exchange of glares.

She hadn’t forgiven me for what happened between her father and I. In the beginning, she was mindful of my concussion, but as soon as I returned to work, her attitude did a complete 180. My sweet child was replaced with a gloomy, angsty adolescent.

There were a couple of slammed doors resulting in a few screaming matches between the two of us, which was an entirely new development in our relationship. I preferred not to raise my voice, but the child was driving me mad. I believed it was her intent. Every time I attempted to talk to her, she refused my presence and shut down until I left. I heard her chatting with her friends through FaceTime until I finally took her iPad away from her. I wanted her to talk to me.

Then the intensity of her anger increased tenfold. She delivered her first “I hate you”. Her eyes smoldered a deep blue as her nostrils flared. Her cheeks were flushed with the force of her words. Immediately following her proclamation she ran up the stairs to her bedroom and didn’t come out for an entire day. Loud, angry music reverberated throughout the house, and I had to yell at her several times to turn it down.

The weeks were rough and the only time we were in each other’s company for a significant amount of time without an argument was when we video chatted with Bree. We pretended as if everything were fine on the home front. Neither of us wanted to upset Brianna.

My poor little baby girl was miserable. While she relished in all of the alone time with her father, it was never her intention to be there all on her own. She didn’t know any child aside from the little girl she met. They’d met up a couple of times over the course of the past month, but Bree missed her friends at home. She missed her bed and her friends. She wanted to be home already.

“Mommy,” her face was wet with her tears. “I just want to be there.” My heart ached as I longed to hold her in my arms and sit with her in the rocking chair. “I’m glad Uncle Tom and I fly out tomorrow.”

She left Jamie’s yesterday with Tom. They flew into London and he showed her some of the sights like the London Eye and Big Ben. Then he took her to a favorite pub of ours from when we were children and they had fish and chips.

I smiled. “Well soon enough I’ll get to hold you and I won’t let go until next year. How does that sound?” I asked her. I considered Isla’s disposition might change as soon as her sister returned. I was missing the sunny girl who radiated warmth and love, but somehow lost that side of herself. There was a stranger currently inhabiting her body. I worried about what it meant for the next several years of my life. Was this going to be my new normal?

Part of her frustration was the slow going pace of physical therapy. While she made strides, there was always room for more improvement. Her leg was improving and she could get up and down the stairs with minimal assistance. She still had some twinges of pain and days where she relied on her crutches. It didn’t help that field hockey tryouts were that week. She had to miss out on it. She would be at the tryouts as part of her duties for team manager, but she was disappointed that she couldn’t do anything.

A Cheshire cat smiled spread across Bree’s face. “I can’t wait. Do you think I could get a cheeseburger when I get home?” I bit back a smile at her request. “I want something very American.”

“Yes, anything you’d like lovey. You’re my weary traveler after all.”

Her head turned and low murmurs were exchanged. “Uncle Tom says it’s time to sleep. I love you so much mommy.”

“And I you sweetheart. Good night and I’ll see you in the morning.”

I sighed as we ended the call. I missed her entirely too much over the last few weeks. It was strange with only Isla and myself occupying the house. It was different from our usual summers. I tried to do things with her on my days off, but she wasn’t as receptive to the idea. She shrugged me off when I suggested anything.

The front door opened and luckily didn’t slam for once as Isla returned home. She was in a surly mood when she left last night, and I fretted the trend might continue.

She entered the living room with her hair tied up in a knot. Her shorts clung to her legs and her t-shirt was knotted at the side. Before my eyes seemed to transform into a young woman, and I had no idea when it happened. We would have to go shopping to replace some of her wardrobe.

“Mommy,” her voice trembled as her delicate features crumbled into despair.

I was off the couch and wrapping my arms around her as she dissolved into tears. I held her tight and waited until she felt ready to talk.

Her sobs eventually turned into sniffles as she slowly pulled back. Her grip was still tight around me. “My stomach hurts. And then there was blood.”

My face softened as comprehension dawned on me as to what happened. “Your period started. Oh darling, come on.” I ushered her up to my bathroom. “We’ve talked about it, and I did give you a pad to keep.”

She nodded her head pathetically. “It was a shock. There was a lot of blood in my underwear.”

I seated her on the toilet and began a mini explanation. I didn’t fall on clichés. “It’ll happen once a month, and sometimes it can get irregular especially if you stay active. It’ll last somewhere between three to seven days. You might have symptoms that allow you to know when it’s coming.”

“Why does my stomach hurt?” I silently enjoyed the childish innocence in her voice.

I smoothed back her loose hair. “Well your uterus expands during this time, and your experiencing mini contractions that we call cramps. They range in intensity. Some girls never get them. They can usually be controlled with pain medication like Midol or Advil. Any sort of pain reliever works.” I pressed a kiss to her head. “It’s really your body transitioning to being a woman. It won’t always be this bad. You were unprepared for it.”

She buried her face in my stomach and I ran my fingers through her tangled locks. “It’s all right.” I said soothingly. “How about I make your favorite for dinner and we binge on ice cream afterwards in my bed?”

She nodded. “Can I take a nap before then?” Her bottom lip jutted out into a pout.

I was reminded of how young she was, and how she still needed me in her life. Eleven wasn’t that old. In that moment, I found myself thankful she was there with me because I could share in this special time in her life. “Here’s two Tylenol, it should help relieve the pain. After your nap, you’ll feel much better.”

She swallowed both pills with some water. “Tuck me in?” I grinned and followed her into her bedroom. It was a disaster area as she wasn’t up to cleaning, and I wasn’t in the mood for anymore arguments. “I’m sorry mom.” I lifted my brow as I considered her. “I’ve been terrible to you for the last month, and I want you to know I don’t actually hate you. It’s been frustrating not being able to do anything. Practice starts in a few days, and I still have physical therapy. The team has been picked and I’m sad.” I tucked a strand behind her ear as I just listened to whatever came out. “I was really excited for the season.”

Isla was never able to mask her emotions and I saw the conflict in her eyes. “I guess I didn’t know how much I truly wanted you and dad back together until I saw you guys in Scotland. But then Bree reminded me of Peter, and that there were other people involved. Peter isn’t bad and it wouldn’t really be a bother if you married him. He’s pretty cool.”

It was hard to hide my deep sigh. “Honey, I know it’s a confusing time for you. There have been a lot of changes in a short amount of time, but I want you to know that you and your sister will always be my first priority.” I tapped her nose as she frowned thoughtfully. I knew she didn’t fully understand the situation, nor did I expect her to as her age.

“Your dad and I were good together a longtime ago, but sometimes people aren’t meant to be with one another. We weren’t ready for it.”

“I guess. I don’t think I really understand.” Her brows crinkled.

“I know in the movies and television love seems almost simple. If you love someone, you inevitably end up together, but real life doesn’t work out the way you want. Love can be like a fairytale, but the truth is it’s hard work. It isn’t magic. There aren’t any guidelines for what to do, and sometimes they fall apart. It doesn’t mean you never loved that person. It doesn’t negate the experience either. You discover new things about yourself. Falling in love is the easy part, it’s the making it last that’s hard. It’s why all the movies end when characters get together. People don’t always want what’s real.”

Her lips were downturned and the room was silent. Her eyes were shut and I almost thought she fell asleep. “I get it mom. Hollywood is full of lies.” I snorted. “Soulmates are just perpetuated by the movie industry to help people escape reality.”

“You’re funny. Now go to sleep.” I kissed her hair. “I love you.”

“I love you too, mommy.” She murmured.


	18. Demons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bet you didn't think I was serious, but I was surprisingly productive over the weekend. I'm pretty proud of myself lol

**CPOV**

_Dear Jamie,_ I started in my journal. I never intended for him to read the words I wrote but in the beginning my therapist encouraged me to write letters to him as a way for me to express the things I could never say when we were together. It was a cowardly approach, but I would never be able to admit any of this to his face.

_All of my life I relied on the usage of words to assist me in whatever endeavor I was going through. If I needed to argue, I had the words to properly make my case and assure a victory for myself. If I needed an apology, I knew the sorts of words that made forgiveness easier for the receiver to hand out._

_My mother told me when I was thirteen, one day words would betray me if I kept wielding them like they were a sword to protect me from all the hurts of the world. I built a wall around my heart to safeguard my feelings because if experiencing the pain my mother suffered after my father’s passing was any indication, love was a lot more trouble than it was worth. Even now there’s still some truth to that. I’ve loved a few times, and the pain sucks. However, it reminds me that I’m here._

_I ruminated heavily throughout my early teens as I considered how many sorts of things had to go right in the world for a person to discover someone that was right for them._

_I went through a fascination with the gods of old and discovered how man and women were once one creature with a shared soul, but the gods were jealous of tis fact. They punished humans by separating the soul so that a person regardless of if they were man or woman walked around with only half a soul. They traipsed through searching for the other half to make them whole._

_While that’s nice in theory, I think soulmates are hogwash. It’s about making it work with someone. I was talking with Isla and I realized that I fell out of love with the idea of a perfect match. There can never be someone who is wholly perfect for you. It’s about being ready. You’ve got to be ready to earn someone. Timing plays a huge role in the durability of a relationship. You and your significant other have to be ready and want the same outcomes._

_While we had similar goals in our relationship, we weren’t on the same page about how to achieve them. We had never sat down and planned out how envisioned our future beyond us finishing school. That’s on us. We weren’t prepared for what came next._

_I’ve always had a fondness for poetry, Walt Whitman is one of my favorites. He wrote a poem about passing strangers._

_Passing stranger! You do not know how longingly I look upon you,_

_You must be he I was seeking, or she I was seeking, (it comes to me as of a dream,) I have somewhere surely lived a life of joy with you,  
All is recall’d as we flit by each other, fluid, affectionate, chaste, matured,  
You grew up with me, were a boy with me or a girl with me,_

_I ate with you and slept with you, your body has become not yours only nor left my body mine only, You give me the pleasure of your eyes, face, flesh, as we pass, you take of my beard, breast, hands, in return,  
I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you when I sit alone or wake at night alone,_

_I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again, I am to see to it that I do not lose you_

_The crazy part was I understood the exact meaning after I met you. We were two passing strangers on a train to London, and somehow during the ride we’d connected on a deeper level. We kept meeting again because we were both aware there was the potential for more. Our story together was just beginning._

_I’m not sure if you were aware, but I wasn’t good at socializing with my peers. I’d had the same friends since reception. I never spoke to strangers, yet you intrigued me and challenged me in a way no one ever had. Part of me was praying that you wouldn’t talk to me. I had formulated my own macabre views about the world and had decided I didn’t need anyone else in my life._

_The more time we spent together, the more I began to see how all the strings between us interconnected to create a beautiful tapestry._

_I could’ve simply gone on from that day without acknowledging your presence again. It was years later, I realized a stranger could be someone you knew. I slept beside you for months, but I marveled and wondered at the stranger next to me. How did I go from knowing everything about you to suddenly feeling like an outsider in your presence? It baffled me and I hated it._

_The day we signed those papers, I realized perhaps it wasn’t in the cards for us during this lifetime. We’ve had many where we enjoyed one another’s company and others where death and life separated us. It’s chilling in a way to think that sometimes we have to circumvent fate. In this life, I think we were too stubborn and persistent to wait for our time._

_The thing is we are out of time. I waited for a long time. I struggled in the aftermath of Paris. My heart was in ruins for ages after. I thought I pushed you away forever and resolved myself to accepting that. Then it turns out you came back more than once. I keep telling myself it wouldn’t have changed anything, but I can’t honestly say that_

_It is possible that things would be very different if the line had been straight and not forked. It didn’t work out like that and Jamie, I’ve had to let you go. I can’t stay in relationship limbo. I can’t put my heart out there again. I guess I’m a coward too. There are too many risks where you’re involved, and I can’t take them. I’m going to marry Peter._

_All my love,_

_Claire_

The pen slipped from my fingers with a gentle thud onto my desk. I’d harbored a resentment against him for a longtime, but with every passing moment in Scotland, I realized those feelings of hurt never want away. I got better at hiding them. Too many times we tried to recover something that couldn’t be saved. We kept coming together, but every time we failed. The universe was sending us a message. We would never be able to get it right.

The door was thrown open and several preteen girls rushed inside. With the return of my daughters, their friends were welcomed back into the fold to create an atmosphere of loud squeals and screams at most hours of the day.

Isla’s walking had improved after six weeks with her no longer needing the crutches. Her spirits were brighter and she smiled more often, but still it lacked warmth when directed at me.

I tried to continue my method of patience with her, but my frustration steadily increased as she continued with her ignoring me policy. Apparently her starting her period was a temporary ceasefire.

Bree was different. There was an air of maturity surrounding her that hadn’t existed when she left Boston or when I left her. It clung to her like a new dress, and I found myself in constant surprise how she adopted the role of mediator and helped out regularly around the house.

She remembered to pick up her sports equipment without my having to issue any warnings. Her team eagerly welcomed her back for the season, and she was anticipating the upcoming tournaments. They were traveling to Florida in a few months for a huge one, and she was excited because her team was taking a trip to Universal Studios whether they won or lost.

Long arms wrapped around my neck as lips met my cheek. “Hi mommy,” Bree greeted happily. “What are you doing?” Her eyes peered curiously at my journal, which I promptly closed.

My secrets were my own, and I didn’t need my daughters mixed up in matters not concerning them. “Just some writing,” I told her as she left the room for the kitchen.

They said teenage boys ate a lot, but they honestly had nothing on a room full of preteen girls. I was constantly shopping for snacks and asking who was staying for dinner to get an idea of serving portions. The house was busier than ever with the constant hustle.

We left for Martha’s Vineyard the day after next, but the girls were already packed unlike at the beginning of summer when we rushed to finish their last minute preparations before they departed for Scotland. I triple checked they’d packed everything they’d need for the trip. It was going to be a short weekend trip.

I needed the time away to gather my thoughts and relax with my daughters and our friends. I hadn’t had any downtime all summer. There were multiple doctor’s appointments, my job, the few weeks I spent in Scotland, and my concussion.

“Hey Mrs. Fraser,” Reagan Thompson, one of Bree’s friends greeted me upon entering the room. I’d known her since Bree was in pre-school, and it was amazing to watch all of these children grow up.

Her parents were lovely and helped out with the girls as often as they could. Reagan’s dad was a stay at home dad while her mother started her own law firm. “Hey Rey, how are you?” She recently returned from her own vacation.

She sat across from me with her chestnut colored curls fluttering behind her as a gentle sigh fell from her rosebud colored lips. “I’m okay,” she shrugged her shoulders. “My mom lost a baby.” My heart went out to Mia Thompson. They tried for years to have a second baby, but it seemed luck wasn’t in their favor.

“I’m sorry,” I slid my hands across the wooden tabletop to cover hers.

Her fingers were long, delicate, and nimble. I had experience with the pain her mother was suffering through, but I didn’t know what to say to comfort a young child. Her small features crumbled until she dissolved completely into tears. I rounded the table and drew into my embrace. “Shush, lovey it’s quite alright.” I rocked her as sobs overwhelmed her young body.

Eventually, Reagan pulled back, brushing away her tears. I pushed her hair away as I cupped her face. “I promise it’ll get better. I know you were looking forward to being a big sister, but sometimes life doesn’t work the way we want it to. It’s hard to understand at nine.” Lord knows I didn’t accept that until I was much older than her. “Right now, you should be there for your mom and dad. I’m sure they need you a lot.”

She nodded against my shoulder as her fingers dug into the skin around my ribs. “Thanks, Aunt Claire,” it should’ve occurred to me when I was addressed as Mrs. Fraser something was off with her. 

I was a bit preoccupied however with the decisions I made in my own life recently. I had been inattentive regarding a lot of things. 

“Why don’t you go find Bree? She might have her own story to tell,” I patted her backside to move her along. “You can always come to me Rey.” Reagan briefly turned around to offer a smile before leaving the room to find Bree.

It was something I never desired to have in common with Mia. She was a good friend and I would never wish sorrow like that on my worst enemy. She and Chris tried for ages and she had just made it into the second trimester. I wearily rubbed my brow as I thought about sending a flower arrangements and a card. When we returned from our holiday, I would pop by for a visit to cheer her up and ask if she needed anything.

Although I expected the answer to be no because I knew the loss she felt. She would brush away any help.

_2013_

_Dr. Meadows stared at me with those patient, understanding eyes of hers. She was keenly aware of my denial, et didn’t force me to come to any sort of realizations. Instead she provided me the space to work through my thoughts and somehow a breakthrough on my own was the real progress._

_“Claire, tell me about what you wrote.” Dr. Meadows was around ten years older than me with a kind, open face. It was a little round as she’d recently given birth. The dark tinged circles under her eyes told the story of her sleepless nights, yet she appeared weekly at our sessions, ready for anything. Her caramel colored hair was pulled back into a casual French twist, her make-up soft and light._

_I fingered the pages of my journal as I tried to find the words. My brain possessed them, but my mouth refused to translate the struggle occurring inside of me._

_“Every morning I wake up Jamie, and for those first few waking moments I’ve forgotten. I don’t remember the seemingly endless arguments, the constant disagreements over pointless things that mean nothing now. It’s in those innocent times when I open my eyes to the sun filtering through my curtains that I can still pretend.” The tears came steadily and fell onto the page creating a few ink smudges._

_The smudges reminded me of my life with Jamie, a circle with blurred edges. We were a perfect circle in the beginning until the flood came and ruined it all._

_I stared at them briefly before continuing to read the words that flowed onto the page. “The memories hurt worse each time. I remember how we stayed in bed until the absolute last second and talked about everything. The first time we woke up together, I was swept away in the wonderful feeling of your arms and the silly things we said. Then it hits me like a tidal wave. The memories unwind and play quickly through my brain, and then I’m saying goodbye to you all over again. My heart is breaking all over again, and I can’t stop it. Then I get stuck on Paris, and wish I could take it back.”_

_Before I can continue, Dr. Meadows gently covered my hand with her own. Slowly, my eyes lifted to meet hers and I saw how I affected her with my words. The glassiness of her eyes clued me into how she tapped into the pain of my emotions._

_She pried away the journal from my fingers before retreating to her side of the room. “Claire,” a sigh escaped her as she tried to figure out exactly what she said. I’d never seen her speechless before, and my heart constricted at the thought of breaking my therapist. She tucked an errant strand of hair as her eyes fixated on the notebook in her hands. “Does it hurt to write the letters? Please be honest. We don’t have to continue with this exercise.”_

_If I couldn’t tell the truth, I chose not to speak. While it wasn’t my choice to start therapy, the benefits were astounding. For the first time in my life, my mind wasn’t bogged down with dark and depressing thoughts. I felt lighter. I wasn’t straining myself when discussing uncomfortable topics._

_“In the beginning, I felt like glass. It hurt and I broke each time. I shattered on the floor, but then it helped the more we continued. If I couldn’t tell him in person, I wanted it documented somewhere. It hurts more because I want it the way it was. I want to go back to the simplicity of our relationship, but I know it’s impossible. It’s like a hurricane. At first, it’s a light rain. Then it turns into a pour down with fast paced winds until it floods and trees are uprooted and nothing is like it was.”_

_She leaned back into her recliner as she absorbed the full impact of my words. “I want you to continue to write if you think it helps. Sometimes writing it down helps a person to let go. Issues remain unresolved if you,” she points her index finger in my direction. “Don’t have a conversation. You don’t actually need the other person to respond because the issues are more with yourself than with them. Unfortunately as humans, one of our problems is our inability to forgive ourselves for our perceived mistakes. I want you think about what I’ve said as you write to Jamie.”_

* * *

**JPOV**

Her sea blue eyes stared at me with a hidden depth. While there was an innate sadness hidden in her ocean orbs, I knew the emotions brewing underneath. She was lonely and lacking the people in her life who offered and provided comfort to her. She wanted to go home, and I couldn’t begrudge her that. I remembered being her age and being away from home.

Her hand clung to mine as we entered the airport. There was giddiness in her vibrating body. In 48 hours, she would be across the Atlantic with her mam and sister.

Shyly, she peered up at me with an unasked question in her sparkling eyes. “Daddy, are you sure you’ll be fine?”

Bree was a kind, headstrong soul who loved freely and fiercely. Her heart was gentle and she despised the thought of any poor soul in pain. She was protective. “I’ll be fine baby girl.” I picked her up into my arms and her legs wrapped around my hips. “Soon enough I willna be able to do this anymore.”

A giggle tickled the small hairs of my ear and I relished in the youthful sound. “Are you going to miss me?” Her voice came out far more vulnerable than I expected.

The last several weeks were a strange mix of madness and fun as I spent individual time with my youngest daughter for the first time since she was an infant. It was strange for me to realize she and Isla were two completely different people with contrasting personalities that strangely worked well together.

On her own, Bree was different. She was open and adventurous, but could flip a switch and become the exact opposite. She had a temper and hated when she didn’t get her way. It was fascinating to be with her like this.

“I want to be taller.” She informed me cheerfully. “I want to be as tall as you.” Her arms squeezed tightly around my neck.

I placed her back on the ground and she beamed up at me. There was a small gap where she lost a tooth over the summer. I’d never played tooth fairy before, but I called Jenny and asked her about it. I placed a few pounds under her pillow. She crowed the next morning over breakfast about how the tooth fairy was international and brought different money depending on the location. She said it was more than she got at home. Oops.

A week ago, she came to me begging me to take her somewhere to get her hair cut. She wanted a different look. Her curls now rested an inch or two below her shoulders.

“Dinna wish to grow so quick, aye?”

“Aye da,” she immediately agreed.

I couldn’t keep the grin off my face as she imitated the Scottish brogue. They were American through and through.

Claire’s accent had lessened over the years, and had a hint of American in it too. It wasn’t unpleasant, just strange to hear.

It was how I knew where she had made her home. She was a stronger woman who knew her place and had finally allowed herself to settle. Claire spent all those years searching for a home after the one she had was ripped apart by her father’s death. We made a home together, and it was one of the first times in her life where she felt protected and loved, where she knew she belonged.

I sighed at the thought. I hadn’t heard from Claire since she left. Isla said her mam constantly worked and spending her time with Peter. Apparently, she and her mother hadn’t been getting on recently, and Isla was disgruntled with her current grounding.

I grasped Bree’s little hand as I rolled her suitcase. Her backpack was stuffed full of books and whatever else nine year old girls carried around with them. Bree found a bookstore and purchased several books about Scottish history, clans, and anything else that caught her interest. She fancied herself a junior historian.

_“It’s my ancestors’ story daddy,” her eyes were wide and wanting. I couldn’t deny her, her heritage._

We walked to over to the check-in where we were met with Tom Beauchamp. “Hello Jamie,” he had such an easy going smile.

Everything always rolled off of him like rain. I’m sure he had his struggles like everyone else, but Tom never allowed things to fester inside of him like his sister. He preferred to be honest about his feelings and to express himself. He was the polar opposite of Claire and it was almost refreshing.

“Good morning Tom,” we exchanged hugs and Bree grinned at him.

He pretended to be surprised at the sight of her. “Are you sure I have the right girl? She’s tall and skinny like a bean pole. I honestly think you’ve messed up mate.” He winked at her before lifting her up and spinning her around. “Look at you gorgeous girl,” he kissed her hair before setting her back on her feet. “You’re going to be taller than your mum soon. You don’t get that from your mother, but your looks definitely come from our side.”

Bree giggled into her hands as she glanced at me not so covertly. “Alright my ruadh bhàn a ghalad,” I handed over her suitcase to Tom as I kneeled and took her hands into mine. “I’ve had a wonderful summer with ye, and while it didn’t quite go to plan, I wouldna change a thing about it. We’ve had some fun, and I had ye all to myself. When ye get to yer Uncle Tom’s, I want ye to call me and before you leave tomorrow back to Boston.”

Her hair slid forward as she dover for my arms and I received a mouth full of ginger. I spit out her hair as my arms wrapped around her small body. It seemed impossible she was almost ten when I easily recalled the day she was born and how she barely fit in my arms, yet it seemed they were meant to hold her.

“Tha gaol agam ort,” she whispered into my ear and I nearly cried. I kent very well she loved me, but hearing it in my tongue was even better. “I practiced a lot this summer because I wanted you to know even though you’re far away, you’re still my daddy and I love you.” Her cheeks reddened at her admission. I couldn’t love her more if I tried.

“Thank ye Bree,” I gently tugged on a strand of her hair before gesturing for Tom to cut in. “I’m going to miss ye.”

Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears as she clutched tightly to her uncle’s hand. “Bye daddy,” her voice trembled as they headed for security.

I waved at her when she turned back towards me and nearly cried myself at the sight of her departing. I was alone again.

_1 month later_

I smelled the salt coming off the water and smiled as the memories washed over me. It was nearing the end of summer and soon enough the water would cool and wait until next year to warm once again.

“You know I would say you’ve got quite the bollocks.” A voice taunted.

I smirked as she joined me on the bench. “Why would ye say that?”

“Well you don’t call, text, or tell people about your plans.” Her eyes glittered with mischief as she joked with me. “A girl might start to get a complex when a guy calls her for the first time to tell her he’s completely lost his mind.”

This woman was honestly too much. “I didna think madness has taken possession of me.”

She scrutinized me carefully. “I would have to agree. You’re not the type to be motivated by such things. However, you’ve got a battle ahead of you with one of the most stubborn creatures to ever walk the planet. I hope you’re ready to fight because she’s not going to come easily.”

“Do ye think I’ve made the right decision?” I tried to hide my anxiety. While I tended to the impulsive side of things and allowed life to carry me in multiple directions, I still felt the sensation of apprehension when there was a high probability of everything going wrong.

Her eyes softened slowly as she fully appraised me and I saw the worth shining back at me. “Well duh, I’ve been silently rooting for you all along.” There was a calming effect associated with her, and I wondered what it was about her that allowed a person to bare their soul. She listened without the need to interrupt or speak, but presented a person with the opportunity to lay their perceived sins. “You’re a good Catholic man, and I know how much religion means to you.” She added with a meaningful look. “It’s one thing to attend church weekly, but you go to confession, you’re a god fearing man, and you allow him to guide you in life. I can appreciate that even if I don’t follow it myself. She does though.”

It seemed strange to hear someone explain me in that way, but it was accurate. I lived by certain testaments in my life and I tried to follow when I could to the path god chose for me. I didn’t always like where he led me, especially in recent memory as those places were filled with some of the lowest moments of my life.

_“Jamie, what do you miss most about her?” My therapist knew me quite well to ken very well I was avoiding the topic of Claire in our sessions._

_I froze at her question because there were so many things I missed about her. There was a Claire sized gaping hole in my life, and it wasn’t easily replaced. The problem with finding one’s other half early on in life was the difficulty in keeping them there at your side for the remainder of it. Statistically young marriages didn’t work. Perhaps it’s the folly of youth and the conceited nature of young people as they began the journey from adolescence into adulthood._

_I found myself wrapped up in everything but my wife. “To be honest with ye, I miss just talking with her.” Before we were ever Claire and Jamie, we were friends who talked on the phone and spent their free time together. There was no added pressure of a relationship and the need to constantly spend time together. It was optional, and we chose to do so instead of feeling the pressures of society._

_I didn’t mind being around her, in fact I preferred my life when she was near me. It was as if I could breathe for the first time in years. When my mother passed when I was twelve and my father when I was nineteen, it seemed as if my life wouldn’t be okay ever again._

_I met her in the in-between period and somehow with her there at my side, everything was made better. I felt as if I were whole again. “In the beginning, we were friends who told each other everything. We talked about losing a parent, siblings, school, our interests, and anything else we could think of at the time. I could talk to her for hours on end and never find myself bored.”_

_A wrinkle formed between her brow as she regarded me silently before jotting down some notes in her notebook. When our sessions first began, she was worried about my mental state in the aftermath of a huge development in my personal life. The better part of a decade was with one person who constantly occupied my every living thought._

_“Why do ye avoid talking about her when ye love her still? Does it still hurt to mention the profound impact you’ve had on one another and how much space in her life she occupied?”_

_I rubbed my sweaty palms onto the harsh fabric of my jeans. The world shrunk to the size of the office, and the world shone in clarity. All of my senses were heightened and I heard the tick of the clock, her breathing, my breathing, the scratch of the pen across paper, and every other little noise in and out of the room._

_My eyes slid shut as I forced myself to concentrate on the provocative questions. I intended to deliver an answer to her, but the problem was I didn’t know how to answer truthfully._

_Divorce was never discussed between us until those last few months where the weight of the world nearly crushed us. Atlas couldn’t have stopped it from falling on us._

_We were two individuals sailing off in different directions without knowing we were doing so until the gulf between us widened and stretch until it resembled something quite different from where we started. It was strange how that worked._

_“Her name brings me unbearable agony, and when I hear Claire, I picture her face.”_

_“How does it make you feel?”_

_I dug my nails into my palms and felt the sting of air on an open wound. It was how it felt to hear Claire’s name. Every time she was mentioned, it was the metaphorical salt. “It hurts so much. It’s hard because then the memories assault me. I dinna want to always remember the good and bad. It comes so soon and I canna prevent it. I hear her voice sometimes, and it pains me all over again because I kent very well where she is.” Blood trickled out of one of the crescent shaped marks, but I ignored it._

_She folded her hands on her lap. “What do ye wish happened Jamie? I ken what occurred between ye, but do ye wish it had gone differently? Where do ye think ye’d be if it had?”_

_My eyes drifted close again as I thought about the relationship I shared with her. We had our highs and lows, and the lows nearly always obliterated us. The water kept rising and rising until we were basically drowning in our own love. “I’m not sure I’d change it at least how it all ended. The moments leading up to it, I would’ve behaved differently, but that’s a privilege that comes with hindsight. I know I would still travel miles just to hold her hand or hear her voice. I just want to be around her, and sometimes in the haziness of the morning I forget. I’m convinced for a few moments, nothing has changed. Then it hurts again to realize how much it has changed.”_

_Her face remained impassive, but the air in the room thickened at my admission. She wasn’t all too sure what to say about my co-dependency. She made it clear she thought it was unhealthy, and we worked on ways for me to allow Claire to remain in the past instead of clouding my future. However, the problem was she was my future._

_Every waking moment hurt because I constantly felt like I was breaking into tiny pieces, which refused to be put back together._

_“Can I ask you something?” I jerked my head. “Why do you focus on her instead of yerself? You talk about your feelings in relation to her, but you never go into depth about your feelings outside of her. You’ve expressed a bit of yer frustration, but I think that’s only the tipping point.”_

_The problem was she was too observant. If I talked about those other things then it would open the gates for other things to come through. Jenny had told me it was time to focus on myself and leave Claire behind. None of this was about her. It was about what I needed._

_I sighed. “I hated her.”_

_Her brows scrunched together in confusion. It was the last thing she expected._

_“Perhaps that’s too strong of a word, but I did resent her. I was frustrated with how she took control of everything and her privilege. I quit school to take care of my family. I dinna regret that. However, I was angry. It wasn’t her who had to drop everything. I was the man of the household and my father had taught me to take my responsibilities seriously. So I did.” I had pushed it all aside._

_“Is that what you wanted?”_

_“No, but I couldn’t let her drop out of medical school. She had worked hard for that.”_

_“You worked hard to get your master’s. Why should one negate the other?”_

_“I ken what ye’re saying, but I did it. We got into a fight about it later. She was angry I had done it without consulting her. I took a job from a company I had interned with. The benefits were great and so was the pay. The babies just kept coming.” That was horrible to say. “I love my children, but Claire and I should’ve talked more openly about our timeline. We hadn’t planned much beyond finishing school, and then there was Isla, Bree, and G-Gabriel,” I stuttered over his name. “We really needed a house and not an apartment, but we were living solely off my income. Neither of us wanted to ask for a handout, and then she mentioned how she would have her trust fund. She wanted to use it to buy our house.” My fists clenched. I wasn’t over that discussion._

_“You didn’t want to use the money.” It wasn’t a question._

_“She said some things about my ego and we fought some more. It’s different for her. She’s had money her whole life. My parents had a farm. My father worked hard to send me to school and when he died, I worked to put myself through school. That money is Claire’s not ours. I couldn’t use it for something that would’ve been ours.” She did use it to buy herself a home after I left._

_“You wanted balance.”_

_I nodded, agreeing with that. “I suppose it was why I could talk to Britney. She was like me. She didn’t come from money. She came from a small town and worked to better herself. I did share too much with her in the end and we crossed some lines that we shouldn’t have. They blurred and I regret that.”_

_“You’re human. You can make mistakes, not every little thing is your fault. I know it feels as if it is, but Jamie, things happen. Was getting emotionally involved with another woman the right choice? That’s not for me to decide. You can choose to feel guilty about it for the rest of your life or you can work towards moving past it. You want to shoulder everything, but the only thing you have control over is your own reactions, feelings, and thoughts.”_

“You’re one of a kind Jamie Fraser, I hope you’re aware not many are like you.” She nudged my shoulder softly. “I was jealous of you in the beginning. You leave quite an impression and a spot that’s not filled by anyone else.”

“Then how did I lose it all?”

A sad smiled appeared on her lips. “Shit happens. You couldn’t have stopped the train coming.”

I recalled the coldness that enveloped me then and how I allowed it to fester and grow. I was scared and I permitted it to take root inside of me until it ruined all aspects of my life. “Yer right, shit happens. We did the best to save ourselves from a sinking ship, the ship being our relationship. I… well she pegged me as a coward, and while I dislike that she called me one, it’s not entirely inaccurate. I ran. I was scared.”

A proud sort of look took up residence on her face as she peered at me. “When we are young, we do all sorts of stupid shit. We don’t have the life experience to know we are screwing up our lives and it’s entirely our fault. Being twenty something is still like being a child. You might have lived a bit, but you’re still maturing and trying to figure out your place in life and who you are. You had two kids, a wife in medical school, applying to residency programs with another child on the way, and a full time job to provide for all of you. There was another woman giving you attention that you weren’t getting at home and you were unhappy with how your life was turning out, not that it excuses anything.” I was always embarrassed by the way I acted when I was twenty-five.

To most people, a twenty-five year old wasn’t all that different from a twenty year old. At the very least, they were out of could for about three years. However, they’re still just beginning in their career and setting up their lives. In hindsight, while I was a bit more mature than others my age, it was a direct result of the direction my life had gone. Losing my mother and brother affected me deeply, and then to watch as my father suffered in the aftermath of his heart attack, I aged faster. I had to grow up.

When I met Claire, it finally felt like I was the correct age. She gave me a fresh take on life and provided the hope and faith I was searching for in my life. She allowed me to be whoever I wanted and provided a sense of stability in my otherwise unbalanced existence.

“I think you’re a man with a lot more figured out now than ten years ago, and I think in the long run that’s what makes the difference. Don’t screw it up. I’m not sure I can cheer you on a second time if you ruin it.” Her lips twitched as her greenish eyes danced merrily with mirth. She was enjoying herself at my expense. “Well I’ve got places to be and people to see.”

She held out her hand for me to shake, but instead I pulled her into a hug. “Thank ye,” I told her.

Her eyes possessed confusion, but I shook my head as I’d explain it to her another time. “I’ve got to go, or else I’ll be late.”

“Good luck Jamie,” she sent a thumbs up my way before rushing down the street with her keys in hand.

It was now or never as I headed towards my own rental. “You can do this,” the whispered encouragement slid over my skin, warming me like a jacket to beat off the string of winter’s cold.


	19. I'll Stand By You

**JPOV**

The car slid into the parking spot with ease as I observed my surroundings. I had never been here, but had been regaled with stories about the building before me. There was a flurry of cars, children, and parents. It was organized chaos.

I imagined all the tales told to me about this place and saw all them play before me like a movie. Cars lined up down the block as bodies exited quickly with hasty goodbyes and embarrassed kisses. Some people gathered on the sidewalk with tiny hands clutched in their own as they conversed with others. Nervous expressions lined the faces of more than one adult as they escorted a small child into the building.

I saw the hair of a new fourth grader as she skipped merrily beside her mother, wearing a floral aqua colored backpack that was almost too big for her, but somehow it worked for her. The bag was filled with all of her school supplies and was nearly bursting with her belongings. I knew from our FaceTime call all about her new school supplies. It was one of her favorite things to do each year, especially as the years passed new supplies were added to the list. This year the teacher required black or blue pens. She had never gotten to use pens in school and it was exciting.

Her plaid jumper complimented her fair coloring, and underneath she wore a short sleeved white blouse. It was green and blue, and she wore blue knee high socks. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail with a blue ribbon. A plaid hairband was placed on her head to match her jumper. She was ready for her first day.

Bree’s mouth moved eagerly as she chattered away to her mother who smiled patiently down at her as they moved towards the school. It seemed a familiar routine for them, and I was suddenly nervous I was intruding on some sacred tradition. Claire and her mother had done all of the first day of school stuff up to this point.

I hesitantly took a deep breath before exiting the car and moving towards them. It was now or never, and I wanted to show I was serious about my involvement in my children’s lives. I had a different plan for Claire that would take longer to enact. She wasn’t easy to win over. She would hold out and I was prepared for it. 

As if she sensed my presence, bright red hair swung in a short ponytail as the owner’s head swiveled in my direction. Her eyes widened comically as her mouth stopped moving and she dropped her mother’s hand before running in my direction. “Daddy!!” She screamed eagerly and a few heads turned in our direction, and more than one curious glance was sent my way by a few passing parents.

I caught Bree in my arms as she lunged for me and held on tight to her petite form. I’d never had the opportunity to consistently marvel at the changes in the features of my children as my time with them was irregular. There were long stretches of time between visits, so the changes were more drastic. It was easy to note how in a few weeks she’d grown at least an inch taller. When a year passed there were always changes in the girls, and it scared me how easily a year passed.

It was the small differences that made it hit home just how much I’d missed with raising my daughters and my heart ached for the lost time we could never recover. She pulled back to stare me in the eyes. Her eyes were a storm of excitement and conflict. “What are you doing here?” A divot formed between her brows as she considered the multitude of reasons for my sudden appearance. I had never escorted her or her sister to school once since they began attending school.

“Well, my little girl is in the fourth grade, and it is her last first day at the school she’s been attending since she was five. I figured I should come for support.”

The crease deepened and in my peripheral I noticed how Claire fidgeted at my presence. There was something off about her I couldn’t quite figure out.

Bree carefully deliberated my words before seeming to accept them. “Well you know fourth grade isn’t that big of a deal,” she shrugged her shoulders self-consciously. “I mean next year is fifth grade and I’m going to a new school.”

“I’ll be there then as well.” I knew what she was hinting at with her words, and I was providing her the reassurance she sought. Whether or not Claire and I worked out, I was remaining in Boston to watch my daughters grow up and to actively partake in raising them instead of performing the task from afar.

Her arms wrapped tightly around my neck and I felt her hot tears as she buried her face in the crease of my neck. I kissed her hair, doing my best not to muss her hair. Slowly, she slid down as if suddenly realizing where she was.

Her face warmed as she peered around. I supposed it was embarrassing to be caught embracing your father once you reached a certain age, and I guessed nine was where it was no longer cool. She grabbed my hand as her eyes caught mine. They were a beautiful shade of blue that was purely hers. “Come on, mommy is waiting. School doesn’t start for thirty more minutes, but I want to introduce you to some of my friends. Let’s go,” she ushered me over to her mother.

We exchanged an awkward hug. “Hello Jamie, it’s good to touch you.” She paused. “I mean it’s good to see you.” She shook her head in confusion. I hid my smile.

I felt her questioning gaze on me as we walked the halls of the school. I imagined the walls decorated with student artwork as the school year progressed. Bree pointed out her former classrooms to me as she waved at her old teachers who did double takes as we passed.

Lots of people stared as we passed by them, and I realized it was more than likely the result of knowing Claire, Bree, and Isla. I kent that despite her busy work schedule, she was an involved parents and came to just about every school function. She was part of the PTA. She helped organize functions. I wanted to become heavily involved with their schools.

The teachers gawked as we passed, and I knew many of them had Isla as well as there were only two teachers for each grade pre-k-5. I waved awkwardly at them, but mostly ignored them.

We finally reached her classroom. Bree dropped our hands as she rushed to a group of girls who threw their arms around one another and squealed loudly. I’d heard stories about her friends, but it was the first time I had ever seen any of them. I was out of place. Bree had gone to school with most of these girls since pre-k/kindergarten.

Her mouth and theirs moved rapidly as they caught up with one another, though I doubted it had actually been long since they last seen one another from what Claire had told me. Bree gestured at me without looking at me, but I saw as her friends stared at me with gaping mouths. Was my presence that unexpected?

What seemed like an agonizing slow pace was perhaps a few seconds before they surrounded me. “Daddy, I want to introduce you to my friends.” Her eyes were wide as she began her introductions. “This is Katie,” a blonde girl waved nervously at me from Bree’s left side. “This is my bestest friend ever Reagan,” she had chestnut colored hair and it was braided into two Dutch braids. Bree spoke about her the most. “This is Lucy, but we call her Luce.” Lucy was a strawberry blonde with similarly colored eyes as my own daughter. She had far more freckles than either of my children. She and Bree could almost pass as relatives with their similar appearances.

The girls all greeted me with a polite hello before excusing themselves as they flittered around the classroom.

A woman a few years older than Claire and myself appeared before us, and Claire chatted with her. I realized belatedly it was the teacher. “This is Jamie Fraser, Bree and Isla’s father. Jamie, this is Mrs. Nicholson. She was Isla’s teacher three years ago.”

Mrs. Nicholson had a few lines around her eyes, but a kind and welcoming smile. She held out her hand, which I firmly grasped. “Good morning Mr. Fraser, it’s lovely to meet you. Your daughter Isla was a delight to have in class. She’s in seventh grade now?” Her voice was tentative, but she sounded mostly sure.

“Yes, she’s at Newton, and she adores the school.” Claire replied. “She’s grown a lot in the last three years, practically a teenager now. This is Bree, her little sister,” Bree stood nervously in front of her mother and twitched a little as Claire gently placed her hands on her shoulders. “This is her last year here too before we move her over into Isla’s school.”

Mrs. Nicholson smiled delightedly. “I remember at the awards ceremony last year you won a special academic achievement award. You seem like a bright young girl and I heard from Ms. Tate that you are well behaved and a great helper. I look forward to having you in my class.”

Bree’s face transformed before my very eyes as she suddenly stood taller with her chest slightly puffed out. “I achieved the highest marks in the third grade.” Bree never mentioned being the recipient of a prestigious school award.

Soon enough we were saying goodbye to Bree as other parents began their departure. I knew she was in good hands, and she waved goodbye to us while shooing us out the room to begin her first day. We wouldn’t be missed.

We were standing outside the school soon enough, and Claire hesitated over what to say. There was indecision carefully displayed on her face as she debated over several courses of action. “Jamie, I have something I’d like to show you before we have any conversations. Would you mind following me?” I shook my head in reply.

She nodded simply as she headed towards her sleek SUV. She always drove a regular four door sedan in the past, but I supposed the girls were older and had a lot more things to pack in the car.

I read her plates and bit back a smile: I06B08. She had customized her license plates with our daughters’ first initials and their birth years.

It wasn’t until we were nearly at our destination that I recognized exactly where I was. I almost turned back more than once, but I made a promise to her. I refused to shy away from this. If we were to make any progress going forward whether it be friends or something else, at the very least this was something we should put to rest.

I followed her through the gates and along the winding road with rows of stones each with a person gone but not forgotten.

My eyes watered painfully as I refused to blink because I knew as soon as the rain came, it would flood with my tears. I couldn’t allow a downpour because I wasn’t sure if I could get it to stop if I started. I hadn’t visited since the day we left him here.

Her car slowed until she parked on the side of the road. I parked mine behind hers, and I saw the day again almost like a movie playing inside of me head.

_“Jamie,” Jenny called softly to me, her voice a soothing caress. “Are ye ready?” Her dark blue eyes were wet, her cheeks flushed, and everything about her demeanor somber. It was the last phone call she had been expecting, but she had flown out immediately to support me. She had stood by my side at every funeral in my life and she would stand by my side as we buried my son._

_Of course she was sad, I thought bitterly. I hadn’t enjoyed a single happy thought since I woke up that morning. Almost immediately upon opening my eyes, I was swept away with an assault of memories. I recalled the phone call about my wife in the hospital, delivering our child. The pre-eclampsia caused her to deliver far too early, and Gabriel wasn’t developed enough to survive outside of her womb._

_When I laid my eyes on the tiny, carefully wrapped infant, I wept._

_The tears flowed until I was sobbing into his cold skin. I would never hear his heart beat outside of his mother, or listen to his first words. I wouldn’t watch him take his first steps, or as he fed from his mother’s breast. He wouldn’t have any firsts, not even a tiny puff of air would escape his lips._

_His minuscule features were birdlike, and there was no telling who he’d look like. His head had no hair, but I imagined he would’ve had tufts of brown fuzz. His skin should’ve been a nice peachy color with flushed cheeks._

_Instead in my hands was a baby that never lived. Gabriel was only an idea, and every morning I hesitated to wake because my dreams were far better than reality._

_As soon as Claire left the hospital, I checked into a hotel because I couldn’t bear to see her face. I felt responsible for the loss of our child. If I’d been there instead of out of town, I could’ve gotten her to the hospital. Yet, I was off on some trip with a co-worker who used the time to make a move for my affections. I fucked up again. The pressure was too much and it had boiled over. Hearing the news about Claire made everything worse._

_Claire wasn’t wrong when she accused the woman of having ulterior intentions. If she was right, what else was she right about? Were we quickly heading toward the edge? I realized immediately that I didn’t want Britney. While she was nice to talk to, she wasn’t the one I wanted to unload all of my woes to. I should’ve told Claire about my doubts, but I hesitated. Part of me didn’t want to. Talk to Britney was nice because she had no involvement in the situation. It was that weekend, I discovered she had ulterior motives all along._

_Claire was still asleep when they showed me my son. I cried for her, us, our family because there wasn’t a way for us to escape the unbearable pain of losing a child. It didn’t matter if we’d never met him. He was ours and then he was God’s. My eyes burned with the ferocity of my tears. I sniffled as I imagined the warmth his tiny body would’ve emanated. I called forward the image effortlessly after remembering his sisters as infants. The way his body would’ve molded to my own form as he buried his face in the warmth of my chest, seeking the solace of a parent’s comfort._

_I saw him chasing after his screaming sisters. Isla and Bree would’ve undoubtedly spoiled him and forced him into their games. He would’ve pestered them as they all aged and tried to spy when they no longer wanted to spend time with him._

_A drop fell onto his perfect, unmoving face. I saw him learning how to ride a bicycle, asking for advice about kissing girls, punching any boys who dared to mess with his sisters, and countless other events he’d never have a chance at._

_Slowly but surely, I lowered my head to tenderly place my lips on the cold skin of his forehead. For a moment I convinced myself he was alive, but it was all in my head._

_I gingerly tucked the blanket tighter around him before placing him back down. As soon as Claire awoke, they would bring him to her if she asked. The birth was a traumatic experience for her, and she nearly bled out as a result. She almost died, yet I was out there angry at her because of the row we had before I departed._

_Jenny flew in by herself, leaving the kids in the care of Ian. She told me she couldn’t allow me to go through this by myself. I tried to refuse her to no avail._

_She placed my clothes out for me as I barely found the motivation to roll out of bed. The last several days had been too much for me to process let alone handle. Claire rejected my calls, refused my visits, and I stopped trying. In her mind, she associated Gabriel’s death with my actions, and I couldn’t say I wasn’t feeling that unbearable guilt myself. It nearly crushed me. I deserved the blame for what happened because I wasn’t there when she needed me most. I failed._

_It squeezed and tugged and pulled me further down. No one was blaming me (at least to my face), but I blamed myself. I hurled accusations at Claire when she revealed the pregnancy to me several months before. I implied a lot of things that night and then walked out._

_I drowned in my own guilt in the aftermath of that particular fight. The dried tear tracks on her cheeks haunted me in my nightmares. I did that to her. It seemed all I did was bring misery to everyone._

_The next morning she went about as if nothing occurred, but there was a wall in our relationship. It was one I couldn’t penetrate no matter how hard I tried. A layer of frost covered her, and nothing I did melted it._

_She tensed at my touch until I removed my hand. She slept as far from me as she could in our bed. She spoke to me when necessary. I started working later, spending time with my friend Britney, and otherwise ignoring Claire. If she thought it was hard on her, it was undoubtedly harder on me. I had to factor in the costs of another child, how we would afford a bigger place, and continue to pay our bills and feed ourselves._

_Claire and I were raised in vastly different lifestyles. She would deny being a spoiled rich kid, but there weren’t a lot of ways to describe it. Her mother didn’t need the money from her job. Her husband’s estate left her wealthy. Claire had a trust fund long before her father died thanks to her family’s business. She never had to worry about how she would cover the expenses of her schooling and uni. Most of her tuition was covered by scholarships, and her family paid the rest. I grew up on a modest sized farm. We were comfortable and it never bothered us we didn’t have more._

_Claire sometimes had a cavalier attitude towards money. It wasn’t necessarily her fault, but we clashed on the subject on several occasions. The money would be available to her by the end of the year and she suggested we use it to buy or rent a house. We argued over it. It was her money. It was my responsibility to provide for our family and to figure out how to support our growing family. It was one of our many disagreements regarding the changes on the horizon. She called me an egotistical asshole and I called her some nasty names in return._

_It was in the aftermath of it all that regret seeped into my bones. We acted horribly. We should’ve sat down to figure it out how to stretch our budget to afford somewhere with more square feet. No matter what a child was a blessing, regardless if it was planned or not. By our actions, Claire and I conceived him, he hadn’t chosen us. We created him, and we were supposed to protect him. All I did was fail._

_I hadn’t meant the words I said to her, but the thing about words is once they’re spoken, you can’t ever really take them back. They are always there ready to be throw back in your face. They’re there in all of the unspoken arguments.The problem with words said in anger was some part of you always meant them. Claire and I meant what we said. We wanted to hurt each other._

_Which brought us to this particular moment where we had to bury our child in the earth. We were officially giving him to God and the angels for protection, and he was no longer ours to nurture and take care of. We had to accept our shortcomings and failures and set it all aside for the funeral._

_I dressed myself on autopilot as I held back the sobs threatening to burst from my chest. There was an emptiness inside myself that I had no idea how to fill. It was just there the moment I let go of my son._

_Jenny tried to force a smile for me, but it came off as more of a grimace. I appreciated the effort, but I didn’t want her to coddle me today of all days. I wanted to freely feel the pain of my son’s death without anyone attempting to soothe me. I needed this. I had to do it alone._

_I nearly collapsed when I caught my first glimpse of the coffin. It was unbearably tiny, and coffins that size shouldn’t exist. The body inside was even smaller, and I was devastated. It took everything in me not to fall to my knees and wail and rage at God for the unfairness, from what he stole from us._

_I sat on one side of the aisle and Claire on the other. It was my river metaphor all over again. We couldn’t even manage to be together in the aftermath of losing our son. She had her support system and I had mine. Our paths no longer connected but forked and we took our own paths to wind up on opposite sides of the same river._

_Claire’s hair was pulled back into a simple knot with a few curls escaping. Her black dress was simple, and she wore the barest amount of make-up. It was enough to cover the puffy, dark circles under eyes and cover the redness of her face. There was total and utter devastation embedded within the contours of her face that I honestly didn’t know what to do. It felt like all my prayers had gone nowhere. They were meaningless. Was God there? Did he hear them? Was he even listening to me anymore?_

_What happened was the last thing I would ever want for Claire or myself, yet somehow here we were. After knowing how her father’s death affected the rest of her life, I never wanted her to suffer through losing someone like that again. I didn’t want to go through another loss after losing the majority of my family. Sort of stupid in retrospect as I can’t prevent what life has in store, and I certainly can’t circumvent someone’s death. While I fully believed God had a plan for all of us, it was hard to reconcile that belief with my son’s death._

_Was he never meant to live? Was he always meant for the angels? Were we meant to mourn what we couldn’t have? It didn’t seem right._

_Somehow I made it through. I made my way to the front when it was time to read my poem about the loss of a baby. I swallowed back hot tears and managed to keep my face neutral. A few tears dripped onto the paper, but I continued to read until I finished every stanza._

_It was through my teary gaze I saw her. She was an ethereal being with her flushed cheeks set against her ivory skin. Her wet cheeks made her seem almost otherworldly. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in her grief._

_It was after I finished when I lost all purpose for life. How was life fair? Why did some live when others never had a chance to breathe?_

_I was bereft as it all caught up to me at once and I found myself gasping for air through my choking, gasping sobs. Jenny rushed to my side immediately to hold me up and get me far from there and that moment. I saw Claire’s arms twitch as if she wanted to be the one holding me instead of Jenny, but I think it was my imagination playing tricks on me and me seeing what I wanted._

_Jenny and I sat in the car and she held me in her arms like she had at our mam’s funeral. She rubbed my back like one of her bairns as she allowed me to simply cry. “It’s okay, yer gonna get through this. Ye’ll be stronger for it. Shh...” my cries tapered off, but I stayed there in her embrace as people began to depart. “Do ye want to go back?”_

_I shook my head in the crook of her neck. She reminded me of home. “Chan eil, I just want to stay here a bit longer.” I felt her lips in my hair and sighed. It was like I was a boy again when I ran to her room during thunderstorms. She always opened her blankets for me and allowed me to cling to her._

_When I finally made it back to the site, Claire was sitting there by herself. She was huddled inside of her coat and it was as if she were trying to make herself as small as possible, more than likely wishing away her existence. I understood the feeling very well. She stared at the fresh mound of dirt piled upon our son’s grave. He was under there, and we were up here without him._

_Did he know us? Was he sad he wasn’t to be with us? All of these questions continued to float through my head as I stared. This was real. All the dreams and hopes I had for him had withered and died in an instant._

_I made my way over to her where I hesitantly placed my hand on her shoulder unsure if she’d be receptive to my touch or not. Tears blurred my vision, but the time for crying wasn’t there yet. Her eyes connected with mine and I saw the same things I was feeling reflected in her glassy eyes._

_I cleared my throat, not sure if I even possessed the ability to speak still. “Come on Claire,” I told her. “Ye should be home,” with our daughters_ _went unspoken, but was understood._

_She slowly placed her hand in mine and allowed me to lead her away from this place of hurt and despair, and away from our son. Somehow we both looked back at the spot where our baby boy was buried and a fresh round of tears began. He was really there instead of inside of his mother’s belly where he would’ve been safe and warm. We somehow made it inside of my car where Jenny was ready behind the wheel to take us from here, from where we left a part of ourselves that we would never get back._

I slowly exited my car as I stared in the general direction where I knew he lay under the ground. The last time I was here, there wasn’t a headstone. It was still being prepared, and I refused to visit the day they placed it over his grave. I couldn’t come back. I struggled to face what happened.

Claire appeared by my side and offered her open hand to me. We would do this together, the way we should’ve then.

We both carried around a mountain of guilt about the events preceding and succeeding her miscarriage. In our own right, we believed it was entirely our fault, but maybe Claire was right and it wasn’t either of our faults. Things happen.

We walked at a snail’s pace, and Claire seemed to know without words that it was a process. She intuitively knew it was a struggle for me to finally be here, but perhaps she knew it was a step we needed. I had to finally come to terms with everything. She had already told me she came here on her own and with the girls to visit Gabriel. It took her time to accept all that happened and to move on with her life. She never forgot him. She kept him close to her heart, but she refused to let his loss or any other loss affect the rest of her life.

Her hand slipped out of mine as we approached the grave. I was grateful to her for providing me the time alone with him. It had been long enough.

I fell to my knees at the headstone as a dam of tears burst forth from me. Once I started, I couldn’t hold them back any longer. He was here. My fingers traced the letters of his name.

_Gabriel Thomas Fraser_

He was my only son, but before today, I had never had the nerve or the courage to come and see him. I had flowers delivered every year, but it wasn’t the same as seeing it with my own eyes. I wasn’t ready before to acknowledge the loss I felt deep inside of my bones. It was hard for me to admit how much his loss affected me, and how I handled subsequent relationships. I showered my children in love and attention, but at the same time it was easy to keep them at a distance. I couldn’t hurt them if there was an ocean between us.

_In our hearts is where you’ll be_

I bit my lip at tears silently dripped down my face. It was almost too much for me because he was a child of my heart. It was the only place he existed besides Claire’s.

The hairs on the back of my neck rose the minute she closed the distance between us. She had given me my time, but ultimately it was time we recovered from our mutual loss. I reached out for her and she slid herself into my embrace. Her head tucked itself under my chin, her spot. There was nothing romantic. It was two parents coming together to mourn.

“Why did ye not put a date?” My head tilted down as hers tilted upward.

Her eyes held the sorrow she still carried around with her. It wasn’t as prominent as it was. I squeezed her hand. “I couldn’t bear it. He never lived and I couldn’t bring myself to give him a birthday.” She sniffled against my chest and I felt my shirt dampen. My lips pressed a soft kiss to her hair.

We sat on the ground, comforted by the sounds of people visiting their long gone relatives. Flowers populated the area, and I noticed there was a fresh bouquet on Gabriel’s.

I played with her long fingers. “It’s hard to believe he would be about nine years old.”

The dam burst forth and I held her close as she sobbed. All the anguish, hurt, and love she buried away was purged from her as we finally mourned our loss together. “I couldn’t look at him when they offered at first.” She admitted vulnerably. “Then I changed my mind because I wanted to know he had been real. I thought I failed him. It wasn’t until later after talking with my therapist and my ob/gyn I came to understand that these things happen. I didn’t do anything wrong. I am a doctor.” She sighed softly. “I suppose in my profession we tend to make terrible patients and we have a harder time accepting what we can’t change. It’s the God complex.”

I didn’t want to tell her that it was in her nature prior to her profession to not accept she couldn’t change everything, but I doubted the words would be appreciated. It would be like beating a dead horse.

“So what now?” I murmured into her hair. Her presence was like a drug, one I knew I was forbidden from having.

She turned around with a perplexed look. “What do you mean?”

“I mean between us.” I gestured to our current position.

“Oh… yes I suppose we left things rather messy between us the last time we talked. I mean properly talked.” She turned her head. “It wasn’t my intention to give you a false impression, but I can’t give you false hope either. Please don’t fight for me. I know I said a lot of things about you saying all of these things I had wanted to hear, but it’s not right anymore. Your priority shouldn’t be me.” She turned towards me with her forehead doing that crinkly thing it did when she was worried about something. “Wait how long are you here for? Why didn’t you say anything?”

I hadn’t expected that turnaround. Then again it was Claire. “I’ll be here for a while at the very least. I had been considering expanding to the U.S. I just hadn’t decided on a location. I knew I would choose somewhere on the east coast, but this summer made it abundantly clear that I needed to implement some changes in my life and re-prioritize. Isla and Brianna are growing up and they won’t be children forever. I don’t want to miss anymore of their lives than I have. So it made my choice all the easier to start up here in Boston. I’ll have to fly back and forth to manage over in Scotland. But I figured this could be my home base. The paperwork for the visa and the business had already been in the works before everything else, if you’re worried I made a spur of the moment decision without considering all the facts.”

From the way her face flushed that was exactly what she was about to say. “Okay, that’s great Jamie.”

The time away had limited some of my ability to read her properly. It was difficult to determine if she was being genuine. I didn’t want to doubt her, but this was a massive change for us and would inevitably affect the established custody arrangement. It wasn’t my intention to start demanding any changes as it would be unfair to my daughters without discussing it with them. “Do ye mean that?”

“I wouldn’t have said it otherwise. I know things between us are what they are, but that doesn’t mean I’m not happy for you and what this means for Isla and Bree. Isla will be over the moon. She’s had a rough go the last few weeks. She wasn’t happy about not being on the team and has been moody.” She bit her lip. “Just a warning to the wise, uh well… Isla isn’t a little girl anymore. She would be humiliated if she knew I was telling you, but I expect they’ll be spending time with you when you’re settled, it’s better you know. She would never tell you.”

My eyes widened when it dawned on me what her words meant. My daughter wasn’t a wee girl any longer. She was changing. “Och, I dinna want to think about that.”

She shrugged. “I figured I would tell you as it has attributed to some of her surly mood as of late. She’s a nightmare that’s currently grounded. We had a long discussion about why she’s grounded and the ways in which she can change her behavior, but I had given her enough warnings.”

“What did she do?”

“She’s a hormonal tween. She picks fights with me, and I resist the urge to yell back at her. It’s tiring and doesn’t get us anywhere. So I wait her out. She calms down eventually. She’s mad at me for loads of injustices,” she rolled her eyes. “She’s grounded for her cheek though. She’s forgotten that I’m her mother and she can’t speak to me however she wants. So be on the look out for that. She’ll push your buttons.”

I nodded, taking note of what she was telling me. Isla wasn’t in the best of spirits the last time we talked on the phone. She grumbled unhappily about her grounding and how inhumane and unjust her punishment was. It wasn’t my place to interfere, especially as she had done wrong. “She did try to spin the story very differently and turned you into the villain.” It was how I knew that there was more to the story than what my daughter said.

“Of course she did. She’s testing us. Being twelve or almost twelve is a strange time. Things are confusing, but I know she’ll find her way.”

“I’ve got no doubts about that. She’s got a wonderful mam who would doing everything to help her.”

Claire’s eyes shifted. “There’s something we need to talk about, but I don’t have the time at the moment. My shift at work starts soon. My students are waiting. I said I would come in late as it was Bree and Isla’s first official day. I hope you don’t mind me cutting this short.” She was at least apologetic. 

“Oh...” I replied unsure of what to do next. It hadn’t occurred to me that she would have to work. Although it really should’ve. Just because I had spontaneously appeared didn’t mean she could neglect her other responsibilities.

Her expression morphed once again as her face brightened. “How about you drop by for lunch? I get actual time for that instead of the maybe fifteen minutes during my residency, and we can talk then. All you have to do is drop by the nurses’ station and they’ll direct you to my office. Does that work for you?” Her expression was earnest and open.

I nodded my head as her mind roamed about a million miles. What did she need to tell me that seemed pressing enough for us to meet again?

* * *

**CPOV**

I left him at the cemetery as I only had an hour to make it into work, and I was some distance away from the hospital. The morning had sort of gotten away from me with his sudden appearance at the school.

It was an utter shock to the system to find him standing there outside of Bree’s school, and more than surreal to stand beside him as we talked to her teacher. I knew we would be the talk of the parent and staff community by the end of the day. It was a well known fact that Jamie lived in Scotland. The school wasn’t big and the gossip circulated instantly.

That was another headache I would have to deal with at some point. I didn’t want any false rumors spreading as parents tended to talk when little ears could hear. I didn’t want this to hurt Bree. The school community was quite gossipy and far too small for something like this to slide by unnoticed.

I scrubbed my face in irritation because this wouldn’t be easy to navigate. There were several factors to consider. A proper introduction would have to be made between Jamie and Peter, which reminded me that I would have to tell Peter about Jamie’s sudden appearance. Peter wasn’t pleased when I told him about what transpired in Scotland, but he was also understanding about the situation. He knew that things with Jamie had been unresolved; I made him aware that I had no intentions of allowing anything to happen between me and Jamie. That was the past and he was my future.

While I admired him mending bridges between himself and our daughters, I was leery about what it meant in regards to our relationship, not that we had a relationship like that. I just didn’t know how it would affect our co-parenting go forward. There would have to be discussions about what it would all mean. We had to be realistic about our expectations. Isla and Bree would be ecstatic to know his stay wasn’t a one off and more of the permanent variety, however, they were old enough to be involved in talks about where they spent their time. It would take effort on all of our parts.

I was anxious. This was a good thing, so why did I have that sinking feeling in my gut?

I tapped my fingers impatiently as I waited in traffic. According to the radio, there was an accident on the interstate up ahead, but I knew once I passed whatever it was, I would just barely make it to the hospital on time. I had to hope people were not gawking at whatever tragedy befell some poor soul. My interns were probably getting a little nervous and twitching all over the place, wondering when I would appear. They were sort of terrified/intimidated by my mere presence.

I honestly didn’t mind though because I sort of enjoyed their skittish movements and their stuttering words until we had a better chance to get acquainted when they realized that I wasn’t a monster as hospital gossip would suggest. Past residents would tell the new residents about which attendings were the toughest and somehow that translated into horror stories centered around me.

“Hello,” I answered after pushing the phone button on the wheel. I hadn’t been expecting a call.

“Hey Claire, I wanted you to know that I can’t make dinner tonight. I’ve been schedule into surgery and it’s supposed to be a long one. It’s not until later either, so I’m using my time to get some extra rest. Can I get a raincheck?”

It would be all too easy to inform him over the phone about Jamie’s reappearance, but I knew it wouldn’t go over well if I couldn’t see him. I wanted a face to face interaction.

“Yeah sure Peter, that’s fine. Why don’t we have coffee or something before your surgery? What time is it?” I didn’t have any surgeries scheduled.

There was some ruffling in the background. He was in bed. “It’s at three. We can meet at two. How did drop off go?”

“Oh it was fine. Bree practically ditched me the moment she was her friends.” Not a lie. “Isla took the carpool this morning, so I won’t know about her morning until I get home later.” Isla had left in a flurry, throwing out a quick goodbye as she snatched a bagel off the table.

“Technically yesterday was her first day and she said it was fine.” He had picked her up from school and took her to physical therapy. “She likes her history teacher and she said being manager isn’t that bad. She would still rather play, but at least this way she gets to stay involved.”

That was more than she told me when I had a chance to catch up with her at dinner. She answered all of my questions with ‘fine’.

“Wow, she told you all that?” I wasn’t jealous. Isla and Peter had their little friendship. She often gave him a hard time, but then something shifted. They would go on hikes together and he would play catch with her. He helped her with English and history. He wasn’t her dad and he knew that, and never tried to fill that role.

It always made me happy that he enjoyed spending time with my kids and never felt as if they were in the way. Isla sometimes shared with him things she wouldn’t dare to tell me or Jamie. It had taken a long time for her to warm up to him. Bree liked him instantly.

“Yeah, I think it’s hard for her. She can’t do everything she’s used to doing. She wants to be active and she can’t. She also says you’ve been hovering.”

That was somewhat true. “I can’t help it.” He chuckled. “I just want to fix everything for her, and I feel useless that I can’t. She’s mad at me for grounding her. I took her phone away except during school, but she’s only allowed to text and call you, me, my mum, and her dad. It’s not helping. I’ll talk with her later. I’ve got to go. I’m pulling into work now. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

I went through my regular routine and allowed my brain to operate on autopilot. I was sort of in a daze when there was a knock on my office door. “Come in,” I called absentmindedly, completely forgetting I invited Jamie to lunch. The day had gotten away from me.

His eyes roamed my shelves of medical books and journals, the pictures placed strategically around the room until they finally landed upon me.

“Hello,” I said shyly to him.

A tentative grin formed on his lips. “So lunch?”

“Yes,” I said. “Um lets go.” I had a lot to tell him and none of it particularly good, but it was time to start clearing the air. We had started back in Scotland, and it was time to continue the process. He deserved to know a lot of things.


	20. It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah... so if you read the original, you're going to notice the second of my really big changes. I decided to revise it for the reason that it was really holding Claire back in the second half of the story the first time. They’re trying to build a good foundation as friends and co-parents, and it's got to start with them being honest. 
> 
> Thanks a million to Cyntphi!! You're the freaking best. My French is passable at best so this was great.

**CPOV**

“Do you mind if we go to my house for lunch?” What I had to tell him was something meant for private ears, and I didn’t want to be in a public venue when I told him. His reaction could be one of several and I had no way of knowing which he might go for after I told him. We were finally resolving some of the differences we had, but this one could definitely make or break it in terms of a friendship going forward.

He nodded his assent. “Should I follow ye in my car?” He was quite unsure about what to do, but I smiled and nodded.

If he wanted some after I told him my news, I would understand. I wanted him to have an escape route in case everything went wrong and what I told him wasn’t well received. I had kept something massive from him again.

I followed him to the parking lot and waited as he pulled up behind me.

My eyes flitted to the windshield and my cheeks warmed suspiciously. I didn’t want him to see that I was watching him in the rearview. I used the time alone to prepare myself for what was to come. I tried to predict the different ways he could react and there were a lot of possibilities. Anger was the one I kept coming back to you. He had always accused me of harboring secrets and this was one I had kept for a long time.

* * *

_March 2014_

_Ordinarily, I wasn’t the type to do something like this. It was stupid, not really, but it wasn’t smart either. If I wanted to protect my heart and his, this wasn’t the way to go at all. Our approach risked both of us. However, I couldn’t fight the urge any longer and we needed this._

_Our planning was conducted over the phone._

_“Tu as pu tout organiser?” We chose to do all of this in French to prevent anyone from overhearing our conversations. The point was to keep it under wraps and not draw attention. While my mother knew enough to get by, she was by no means fluent and she would ask a lot less questions. (“Did you make the arrangements?)_

_“Oui, tout est prêt. Tu es sûre de vouloir faire ça, n’est ce pas ? On peut encore tout annuler.” (Yes, everything has been taken care of. You don’t have any regrets about this, do you? We can call it off.)_

_“NON!” My reaction was a tad over the top, but if there was one thing I wasn’t feeling, it was regret. There was some anxiety and anticipation about what was to come. “Je ne veux pas annuler. Je sais que ça peut te choquer, mais non, j’en suis sûre. C’est ce que je veux.” However, there was no denying how much I wanted and needed this. (I don’t. I know that shocks you, but I’m sure. I want this.)_

_“Tant que tu n’as pas de doute. Veux-tu attendre avant de se rencontrer?” (As long as you’re not having any doubts. Do you want to wait to meet?)_

_“Oui, je pense que ça améliorerait l’expérience.. on ne va pas vraiment être nous-mêmes, souviens toi!” (Yes, I think it would enhance the experience. We aren’t exactly going to be ourselves. Remember.)_

_“D’accord, donc on se retrouve la bas et on laisse la soirée suivre son cours. Je peux faire ça. Comment saurais-he que c’est toi?” (Right, so we’ll meet there and then let the evening take its’ course. I can do that. How will I know it’s you?)_

_“Tu le sauras.” (You’ll know.)_

_April 2012_

_I presented research with my attending at a conference in Paris. We had worked on the trial together, and we published the research together._

_From the moment Jared knew I was going to be in Paris for a week, he had been adamant that I tend some fundraising gala. It was a masquerade ball. I was wary when he first mentioned it until I discovered one of the guests. Then everything changed and I accepted an invitation._

_Jared had arranged for a visit for me at a shop a friend of his owned. I had thought about doing my shopping at home until he presented the offer._

_“Bonjour!” The shopkeeper greeted as soon as I entered. Her store was lovely with beautiful, hand crafted masks in the windows and on shelves. “Vous êtes Claire?” (Are you Claire?)_

_“Oui,” I held out my hand to shake. “Camille?” I asked her._

_Her coffee colored eyes sparkled magnificently as her smile widened. It appeared almost painful, but I realized it was just her. She was a friendly woman._

_“Oui. Jared a dit que vous auriez d’une robe de soirée pour ce soir.“ I nodded instead of verbally replying. “Vous aviez un modèle en tête?” I shook my head. (Yes, Jared said you would need a dress and a robe for tonight. Is there anything specific you had in mind?)_

_She started by measuring me as I didn’t know my specific measurements. I never had a need for tailored clothes. It wasn’t something I required for my every day life._

_“Vous avez des enfants ?“ I didn’t mind her making small talk. (Do you have children?)_

_“Oui,” I answered.“J’ai deux filles.”_

_“Vous êtes française? Votre prononciation est très bonne.” (Are you French? Your pronunciation is very good.)_

_I had heard that from other people. “Mon père l’était,” I told her not wanting to elaborate further. “Je suis anglaise mais je vis aux États Unis.” (My father was. I’m English, but I live in America.)_

_Camille finished the rest of her measurements. I appraised her from the blonde bob that clung to her face to her lithe body. She wore a fitted black shirt and long tailored black pants. Despite the simplicity, she pulled it off. I wished my own body looked like hers._

_She clapped her hands excitedly, startling me out of my reverie. With wide eyes, I followed as she dragged me through the store in search of something. We were in her sewing room as she began to rush around. “J’ai une robe parfaite pour vous. On devrait avoir besoin de la retoucher un peu mais cela ne devrait pas prendre trop de temps.” (I have the perfect dress for you. We might need to alter it a little, but that shouldn’t take too long.)_

_What she pulled out was an absolutely gorgeous red gown. The material was satin and it felt amazing against my skin. I noticed it was simple and within the range of my style. The skirt was pleated and the back lace-up. My imagination was running wild._

_I tried on the dress and stared at myself in the floor length mirrors. It fit nearly perfectly. The hem dragged a little, and the waist needed to be taken in a little. Other than those details, it was the perfect dress._

_I knew most of the woman attending the event would go for more overstated looks and less vibrant colors, but I wasn’t like them. I rarely attended formal events outside of hospital functions. I preferred simple and comfortable._

_She gave me one of the elaborate black masks from her display case. I nearly wept at the sight of the prices, but when I went to take out my credit card she waved me away. While I did have a trust fund, it wasn’t what I relied on. I preferred to keep the money set aside._

_“Tout ami de Jared est le mien. Je ne peux pas accepter votre argent. Mais j’accepterais que vous portiez ma robe et que tout le monde vous admire dedans . N’oubliez pas de mentionner mon nom si on vous demande d’où elle vient.“ (Any friend of Jared is a friend of mine. I can’t accept your money. What I will accept is you wearing my dress for all to see. Don’t forget to mention me either when they ask about your dress.)_

_I couldn’t accept that sort of generosity. The dress alone must’ve taken her a long time to complete. “S’il vous plait,” I begged, once again offering her my card. It was too much._

_“Non je suis désolée mais je refuse de prendre votre argent. profitez bien de votre soirée.” I pouted, but I knew when a battle was lost. (No, I am sorry Claire, but I refuse to take your money.)_

_“Je le ferai,” I promised her. “Merci infiniment… vous pourrez faire livrer la robe à mon hôtel quand vous aurez fini les retouches. Je ne sais vraiment pas comment vous remercier.” She waved me off. (I will. Thank you so much, just have the dress delivered to my hotel when you’re done with the alterations. I really don’t know how to thank you.)_

_The shoes were the easy part. I only had to visit one store for them._

_The dress had been dropped off later that day. I was going to do a dramatic make-up look with my eyes to accentuate the mask. I went for a silvery shimmer look with winged liner and fake lashes. Mine weren’t nearly as impressive as my daughters. Then to complete the look, I went for a bright red lipstick. All in all, I was pale. I added a hint of blush to give me some much needed color._

_Someone knocked on my door, and I swore. I didn’t know anyone except my attending, and she was out for a night on the city. It was rare we ever had so much time off from work._

_I pulled open the door and shrieked at who was on the other side. It was Jared. “How did you know my room number?” I didn’t recall telling him, only that I was staying at the hotel._

_“I said we were family,” he hugged me._

_I smiled, happy he still considered me part of his family. “Thank you,” I kissed his cheek. “You’re friend Camille is also lovely and gave me the perfect dress.” It was laid out on my bed._

_“You’ll be the belle of the ball.” I rolled my eyes at him._

_“You’ve always been a bit too complimentary.” He shrugged and squeezed me again. “I must say I was surprised by your invite.”_

_“I know how much you love a good cause and it’ll be good for ye to get out. How many people have you talked to since arriving that weren’t a fellow médicin?”_

_I felt the heating of my skin as he knew what the answer was. His question after all was rhetorical. “Fine,” I gave him a punch in the arm and shooed him out. “Is there anything else you wanted before I close the door?”_

_“No, I’ll see you out there.”_

_I sighed in relief. The night would be fine._

_“I’ll see you later Jared.”_

_By the time I arrived, there were so many people already there. Jared had gone all out to decorate the place and give it a magical feel. The lighting was low as candles lit up the hall. Expensive draperies hung around the room with fairy lights strung low across the ceiling._

_People chatted idly at tables, while some danced to the live string quartet._

_I meandered my way over to the side of the room, collecting a glass of du vin on my way, to support Jared._

_“Bonsoir,” a voice said from behind. I turned to find a man with sea green eyes gazing at me. “Vous êtes ravissante. M’accorderiez vous cette danse?” (You’re lovely. Would you like to dance?)_

_“Non, mais merci.” I was curt, not wanting to give him the wrong idea. I was interested in the portion of the evening directed at raising money. It was my last night in Paris. I had other plans for how my night would turn out._

_A hum crept over my skin until there was a rushing sound in my ears. Something stirred inside me for the first time since I said goodbye to Jamie. I was alive. The air thickened around me._

_“Bonsoir,” he greeted me. He had a strong, captivating jaw line. I couldn’t tell in the lighting what color his eyes were, only that they were dark as they feasted on me. They could’ve been blue or grey for all i knew. His hair appeared dark and was slicked back. “Vous êtes très belle.” The deep huskiness of his voice did things to me and a blush crawled down my neck. (You’re very beautiful.)_

_There was something about him that captured my attention. I couldn’t pinpoint a singular thing, but he certainly captivated me with his dashing looks and suave lines. I enjoyed the way he made me feel. I knew French wasn’t his native language, but I couldn’t detect the underlying accent. Jared knew people from a number of countries in part because of his business associations, so there were people from numerous countries in attendance._

_“C’est gentil de dire ça,” I wanted to be gracious and I was flattered by his attention. Besides, it wasn’t everyday complete strangers complimented me. A little flirtation wouldn’t hurt anyone. (Thank you for saying that.)_

_He must’ve decided I was interested as he followed himself up with, “Vous êtes venue seule?” Thankfully I was alone, or I would’ve missed an opportunity. I didn’t want him to think I was waiting for anyone to join me. (Are you here alone?)_

_“Oui, je suis venue seule. Il n’y a que moi, enfin vous et moi mais vous comprenez ce que je veux dire. Je n’ai pas de cavalier ce soir.” Thank god for my dad’s French side of the family as I would’ve been screwed trying to converse with him. There was no way of knowing if he spoke English or not. Besides it added to the mystery of the night as I think he detected a hint of another accent in my own dialect. His lips turned up into a smile as I babbled. He was amused. (No, there’s no one here with me. It’s just me, well me and you, but you know what I mean. I didn’t bring a date.)_

_I saw his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. “Voulez vous danser avec moi?” It was the best offer I had heard all night. (Would you like to dance with me?)_

_I nodded my assent and took his arm as he led me out to the dance floor. I couldn’t stop staring at him. The mask covered a fair amount of his face, so it was difficult to make out some of his features. I knew he was gorgeous._

_“Comment vous appelez vous?” (What’s your name?)_

_Fuck! We had arrived at that portion of the evening. “My name is...” I hesitated for a second as I tried to think of what to tell him before settling on my middle name. “Mon nom est… Elizabeth. Et vous?” I didn’t want to be Claire tonight. Claire was a divorced, single mom, whose mother lived with her, and who rarely saw the outside of a hospital._

_The name gave him pause. “Alexander, mais vous pouvez m’appeler Alex.” (Alexander, but you can call me Alex.)_

_I gulped as the air seemed to thicken. The intensity of his eyes was my undoing. How did he make me weak in the knees?_

_I kept my attention on him. He led me around the floor and we drifted into our own existence. There was nothing but us and the music as he twirled and dipped me._

_I could tell he was a man accustomed to leading, and I let him. I wanted him to take control. I was tired of having it. It was amusing and I let him do it as I sensed it made him feel good to be in charge._

_3 hours later_

_I groaned as my body slammed against the hotel door. It was painful and jarring, but not enough for my lips to separate from his. There was an urgency to our movements as he guided me down the hall to my room. I hadn’t felt this need for anyone in so long, and while I started the night with no intention of having sexual relations with anyone, I knew I would fall apart if didn’t get him inside me._

_The night was going to end with us together._

_He finally managed to get the key card into the slot and opened the door as he rushed me into the room. The loud thud of it closing made me realize it was happening. I was going to have sex for the first time in four years. He attempted to turn on the lights, but I wanted to keep with the theme of the night._

_The lighting in the halls had been low so we hadn’t gotten a good look at one another. “Non, n’allume pas la lumière,” my voice, a husky whisper. “J’aime quand c’est comme ça.” (No don’t turn on the lights. I like it like this.)_

_His lips descended onto my neck as he sucked and nipped. My body was on fire as the connection stirred between us. I shivered at how amazing it felt._

_We kept our masks on as I wanted to maintain our private identities. This would be a one night sort of event, and then we would never see each other again. We couldn’t._

_When he unzipped the dress, his eyes were drawn to my breasts. I had forgone a bra as it didn’t work with the dress. He seemed to approve of the omission. His laser focus was slightly disconcerting as he had yet to say anything and I was growing self-conscious. I tried to cover myself when he stopped me._

_“Tellement belle,” he whispered in my ear. Shivers traveled down my spine at the silkiness of his voice. (So beautiful.)_

_He rushed forward, his lips welcome on my lips and his tongue more than appreciated when it brushed against my lips and entered my mouth. I was surprised by how forward he was, but I wasn’t complaining. It had been too long._

_Slowly, my hands roamed down his body until I came into contact with his pants. Then I slid a hand into his pants and he jerked forward. His reaction propelled me. He wanted this as much as I did, perhaps even more so. I wouldn’t deny him._

_His skin was so hot against my own. I removed my hand and began to unbutton his shirt. With each button, I kissed any available skin. He smelled like sandalwood, and I was entranced by the scent. “Je n’ai pas envie de déchirer ta chemise.” He would need it when he left, and while the French were known for their amorous nature, I don’t know that he felt that comfortable with possibly leaving without a shirt when others could potentially see. (I don’t want to ruin your shirt.)_

_“Tu es si beau.” It was worth saying after he faltered for a moment. His eyes were soft, despite the desire running in them. (You are so handsome.)_

_He shed his pants and followed me to the bed. I laid back on my elbows. “Alex,” I moaned as he began to kiss down the length of my body. No skin was left untouched by him. His lips left my skin tingling. I was under his spell. He paid special attention to my legs. His eyes were hypnotizing and his movements sensuous. It was a slow seduction. He knew he was driving me crazy and he relished in that. It was his goal to drive me insane with want._

_He crawled into position, but I was more than ready down there. I needed him in me. “Non,” I pulled him to me. “ Ce n’est pas nécessaire.” I saw on his face he could smell my arousal and it heightened the experience for him. I felt him grow against me and groaned in response. We were doing this._

_His fingers traveled down encountering my curls before sliding through to my arousal. I was so wet and willing. Then he slid inside and all was lost. I no longer knew the date, the year, or my own name. All I knew was him and the feeling of him pressing into me. My eyelids lowered as pleasure overwhelmed all of my senses. He certainly knew what he was doing as he began to slowly pull out before quickly pushing back in._

_My hands roamed his backside, urging him on, pulling him closer to me. I needed to feel all of him. He made me finally feel full and complete. I was coming home._

_His skin shocked me, fueling me, giving me the energy to continue. His mouth was on mine again and I pressed harder, deepening the kiss and our connection. Everything felt like magic. My skin sizzled under his touch._

_He slowed his strokes to hold off his own pleasure and to prolong mine. It was as if we were sharing each other’s thoughts, and we both needed the night to last as long as possible because morning would inevitably come and take it all away. He plunged back in and my eyes shut as I gave myself completely to him. He could use my body however he liked._

_When his hands were on my breasts, I nearly lost it and released a moan. His touch was electric. He teased and kneaded the flesh, and I fought hard and failed not to groan at the sensation. It was sensory overload. It was all too much for me as I threw back my head in total, utter ecstasy. The passion was so great and unexpected. His lips brushed against the sinewy skin of my shoulder. He was going to leave a mark._

_I clenched around him, but he still didn’t cum. “Tu peux jouir,” and I felt him jolt. “Ne t’en fais pas, tout va bien.” I was on birth control. I could tell he was trying to make me go again by the quick pace of his hips against mine, it was almost painful but in a good way. His fingers joined his strokes, and the feeling built up inside of me again. I could feel myself reaching the peak. I squeezed him and spurred him on, needing his body to cover mine. I needed to feel him all over me. (You can cum. Don’t worry, it’s fine.)_

_My walls fluttered around his length until I clamped down on him. That was enough for him as he let out a string of curses before releasing inside of me. As the height of my orgasm hit me, I whimpered and cried out “Alex!”_

_Then to add to the intensity, he bit into the juncture of my neck. As he finished spasming into me, I rubbed his back, encouraging him, not wanting to part. He had a few more lazy strokes before finally pulling out. He collapsed on top of me, and I closed my eyes reveling in the intimacy. I played with hair at the nape of his neck._

_I was amazed I hadn’t accidentally called out Jamie’s name. He performed amazingly and for the first time in a long while, I was satiated. I wasn’t empty inside. I thought I didn’t know how to feel like this anymore, but I was wrong, so wrong._

_I fell asleep with him curled around me. His warm body was a comfort. I wanted to cry._

_When I awoke in the morning, there was some confusion especially with the dull ache between my legs until I remembered the previous night. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I wanted to laugh and smile as it was a beautiful night with unexpected surprises and wonders. The morning brought with it reality. Reality could go fuck itself. Then again, we shouldn’t have done it. A night of pleasure wasn’t worth the confusion, no matter how beautiful it was._

* * *

Upon arriving at my house, Jamie was instantly at my door, assisting me. While I appreciated the gesture, I could exit a car on my own. “Thanks.” I mumbled.

“What’s on yer mind Sassenach?” I ignored the way my heart skipped a beat at the endearment. “I can see ye are thinking hard about something over there with your big brain, and I dinna want ye to strain yerself.” I shoved the key into the lock, trying to push aside my emotions.

Hearing the title brought back hundreds if not thousands of memories of us in all sorts of places. I wanted the comfort and ease which once guided our friendship because it wasn’t always awkward between us. There was a time when I held not a single doubt about the man, but time had built insecurity around my heart until I no longer knew down from up let alone how to speak to him without feeling tense. Jealousy blossomed and grew in my heart and suspicion replaced trust in my brain. Then trust died along with everything else.

Quite a leap to make, but what was I supposed to think when he spent more than the regular 9 to 5 in the office, especially after I found Britney giving him a massage.

_March 2009_

_Things were strained between us, but I was hoping a family outing could help us bond as a family and Jamie and I work on some of the issues in our relationship. Ever since I dropped the baby news on him, he’d been distant, or perhaps that was me._

_I certainly wanted no part of him when he returned to the apartment after I told him I was pregnant. His reaction to the news was appalling, and while I understood the shock he was experiencing, I despised him for simply walking out the way he did. I had no way of knowing if he’d return or not, and he left his phone so there was no way to contact him._

_I spent the remainder of the night crying into my pillow because we’d screwed up again, and this time it might actually destroy our marriage. Jamie certainly hadn’t planned on another one anytime soon. We were already on tenterhooks and at any moments could fall._

_The girls were certainly easy to get dressed. Isla stood there patiently for once and did as I asked when I told her to raise her arms or lift her legs so I could pull up her pants. She was such a good girl, and most of the time was quite obedient._

_Bree enjoyed kicking her chubby legs and blowing spit bubbles as I dressed her. She wriggled on the changing table and tried to roll herself over the edge. She was a little worm who couldn’t stay in place. She smiled at me as if she knew what she was doing, and my heart swelled with love for the tiny being before me._

_I loved her so much, and I worried endlessly before she was born if I could love her as much as her sister. While I read books about second children, it still gnawed at me that I simply might be unable to muster as much love for her. It was all for naught because as soon as they placed her in my arms, I knew I’d love her just as much. My heart expanded and welcomed this new addition. Nothing could ever make me stop loving either of my daughters. I would do anything to protect and love them for the rest of my days._

_Bree’s sunny smile never failed to make my day. Even when I was frazzled with frizzy hair, unkempt clothes smelling eerily of vomit, and dark circles under my eyes, my children made it all the struggles and problems in my life completely worth it._

_I wouldn’t exchange a single day with them for anything._

_Isla’s eyes stared precariously out of the car window as the city passed by in her eyes. They weren’t the same exact shade as her father’s. They were a bit darker like her aunt Jenny’s. Her hair also darkened from the strawberry blonde fuzz that started on her head when she had grown some. Originally she was bald as a cue ball._

_It had fallen out only to come back a deep auburn color. Jamie was delighted as no one in his family had dark red hair, at least not in a few generations. It certainly hadn’t come from my side of the family as we were all brunettes and blondes._

_Her hair was far straighter than either of ours. She was her own little mosaic. She had all the best parts of us._

_The outside world fascinated her curious mind, and I often found her openly observing the people around us as if she was trying to understand. I could picture tiny cogs moving inside of her head._

_Bree, I knew was asleep, otherwise she’d scream up a storm as she didn’t enjoy being confined. Her energy was a restless sort, and she much preferred rolling around on her baby blanket or preparing herself for some sort of movement. I knew soon enough she’d be pulling herself up, preparing for her first steps. She wasn’t one to allow the world to slow down for her, but wished to be in on the action. Perhaps I was reading too much into her behavior thus far, but I was learning quite fast. They were both so different, and their personalities were complete opposites._

_I pulled into the parking lot and went through the arduous process of waking up a fussy Bree. Isla waited patiently in her seat for me to release her and then stood at my side as I unbuckled her sister. “Ma, see da?” Her eyes were wide and trusting._

_I nodded my head as moved Bree’s arm out of the strap. She whined unhappily as I struggled. “Yes, we are going to see Daddy. I’m hoping he can join us for lunch. Would you like that, lovey?”_

_Her headed nodded eagerly as her hair tumbled into her face. The barrette managed to stay in place and I sighed in relief. Isla wasn’t the most patient or easygoing child when it involved doing her hair. She screamed bloody murder every time I came near her with a brush. I wasn’t sure why, and she accused me of ‘urtin’ her. I thought she was a tad to melodramatic, but Jamie sympathized with her._

_We made our way into the building, and Lucas in security waves us through. “Good afternoon Mrs. Fraser, I see you’ve brought your little girl, oh and is this the newest one?” He was friendly to me whenever I visited, and we talked on occasion about our children. He had a son a bit older than Isla. “What’s her name again?”_

_“Brianna, but we mostly just call her Bree.”_

_“Bee, Bee,” Isla squealed happily at the mention of her baby sister. She’d grown to care for her over the last month or two. “I luv Bee.” She informed the man._

_He beamed down at her and patted her tiny head. “I’m sure you’re a good big sister.” She nodded enthusiastically. “Well you know where to go, I’m not sure if he’s in his cubicle or not, but he hasn’t left the building for his lunch break yet.” He winked at me._

_I thanked him profusely before we made our way over to the elevator. Bree had a chunk of my hair in her mouth as she laid her down. She was in unfamiliar surroundings and desired comfort over anything else at this point._

_Isla had been to work with Jamie a few times, and somewhat knew her way around. Sometimes she got herself lost, but could almost always be found at the desk of a secretary with a lollipop._

_“Ma, you love da?”_

_I hummed, unsure of what she was actually asking me. “Love da, love Bee.” I frowned before it hit me._

_“Yes, I love your daddy. I also love you and your sister so much.” She nodded her head affirmatively before facing forward again._

_I wondered what went on in her little head. I imagined an amazing mind was under there, and once she had the communication skills to let it be known what she thought, the world would become hers._

_The doors opened and she took off immediately in the direction of her daddy’s cubicle. Her chubby legs were quite fast, and I wasn’t able to keep up with her._

_Bree was in my arms and hit me when I tried to chase after her sister. She didn’t appreciate the jerky movements of my running with her. When I caught up with Isla, she was frozen in place with a strange look on her face. “Love, what’s wrong?” I asked worriedly, kneeling to her level._

_Her eyes were fixated on something in front of her and when I turned, I saw Jamie. The problem was he wasn’t exactly alone. The person who sat at the cubicle beside him was with him as well... with her hands all over him. I wanted to march over there to slap him and throttle her. It was reality slapping me in the face reminding how I could never have everything I truly wanted in life. It wasn't possible._

_Her hands were on his shoulders as she dug her thumbs into the tender flesh. His eyes were closed and his face expressed the bliss he felt at her touch. A moan escaped him as she hit a particularly sensitive spot. Her face was turned downwards toward him, and I saw the love in her eyes. She was devoted to him._

_I wasn't sure what I was feeling. It was some mixture of heartbreak, embarrassment, and all encompassing shame. Shame because my husband had a relationship with another woman, and it clearly meant something to him. While Jamie was a friendly person, he didn't allow just anyone to touch him._

_Never once in our passionate and often times tempestuous relationship had I imagined him to be someone unfaithful to his partner. We’d both talked about infidelity and our feelings on the matter, but I supposed opinions could change._

_I turned away and snatched Isla into my arms as I carried both girls and we made our way to the exit. I felt like a damn fool for believing everything was okay between us. How could it be when I was carrying a child he’d shown absolute disdain for? My eyes watered, but I refused to let the tears to fall. He didn’t deserve anymore of my tears. I shed too many where he was concerned._

_“Ma, who dat?” Isla finally asked me, her eyes unreadable._

_She clearly sensed something wasn’t right with the woman. Children were good judges of character. She had never seen another woman draped over her father either aside from me. “That’s daddy’s work friend Britney,” I tried to keep the bite out of my tone, but I don’t think I managed it._

_Isla was silent as we ate lunch and played with her food. I chose not to correct or scold her because of what she witnessed. “Da luv Bit?”_

_I sucked in a breath, nearly choking on the weight of it. I didn’t know what Jamie fancied himself doing, but honestly it would hurt probably a trillion times more if he was actually in love with her. An affair without emotions was different. When emotionally betraying your spouse, there was an unforgivable act committed. Would I want him if he had physically betrayed me? I wasn’t sure as to the answer of either. All I knew was that my heart couldn't handle the crushing blow if he chose to leave. It was already in tattered pieces, what would it take for it to completely shatter and I was left feeling nothing?_

_It nagged at me. I had no idea about the newfound closeness between Jamie and his work colleague. How long had it been going on? Was it because of the baby? Did he feel trapped in this life he never asked for? He was simply expecting to live here a few years as I went to medical school. Now we had a family with another child, and he had to drop out of his degree program because he refused to rely on my trust fund. He thought of it as cheating and not his money, despite my argument that anything that was mine was his. He refused because he believed it to be his job to be the bread winner for our family. His father educated him about honor and responsibility, and to Jamie the two went hand in hand with one another._

_“I don’t know Isla. Mummy needs time to think. Eat your food before it gets cold.”_

_Her sharp eyes narrowed, but she did as I asked. I was thankful for the moment to myself._

The problem was while I told him I had forgiven him for the entire Britney mess, I couldn’t forget it. It was forever imprinted in my mind. I was spurned and completely lost to the emotional wreckage of heartbreak. It was a new experience for me, and not one I was keen to repeat ever again. It was another reason to keep him at an emotional distance. I was devastated and crippled with the loss of something amazing. I knew I wouldn't find the equivalent of that feeling in my life again. So I resolved myself to protect my heart from that.

He stared at me expectantly with his clear blue gaze. “Ugh I hate you know me so well,” I grumbled. I wanted a few more moments to compose my thoughts before I assaulted him with what went on inside of my head. I exhaled calmly through my teeth as I thought of my meditative breathing. “Can you just give me a moment?”

The entire situation was weighing heavily on me. I was completely nervous about what to expect, not knowing how to navigate the tentative relationship we had at the moment because all that was currently between us aside from two daughters was our screwed up past.

I was terrified as soon as I told him the news, he would unleash all of his hurt and anger on me. He would voice all of those things that he had wanted to say, but had avoided. It was unfair and I was certainly projecting, but as much as I knew him in the past, there were clearly aspects of him I wasn’t familiar with. I also didn’t fully know all the ways in which he’d changed over the years, nor was he aware of how I had as well. In some ways, we were strangers meeting on a train again.

Could I do it again?

**JPOV**

She was jittery and flustered, and I wasn’t sure what to make of her unfamiliar behavior. Claire was many things, but insecure was rarely something I associated with her. She was one of the most confident people I knew with her bossiness and taking the helm of situations. Yet, there was something off with her, and I couldn’t figure out what it was. She had some big secret that she was waiting to unveil and it made me nervous.

Following Claire in the car gave me time to think. It also made me realize that this was Claire’s home. She drove flawlessly and when we hit some traffic, she knew how to navigate around it.

When we first moved here, we had to learn our way around together. It was unfamiliar to us, and it was strange. The seasons were different, particularly summer. Or celebrating holidays like the Fourth of July or Thanksgiving. It was hard not to when friends constantly invited us to events.

We only had each other to rely on in those early months. It was fun deciding to get lost in the city together on weekends as we found restaurants, clubs, local grocery stores, and everything else in- between. Claire had spent nine more years living here than me, and probably knew the city better than she knew London now.

She appeared comfortable behind the wheel, which was not something she was used to when we first arrived. There was never a true need for driving in London with all the forms of public transportation the city offered.

She entered the house and disarmed the alarm.

“When did ye become so comfortable behind the wheel here?” I asked her out of curiosity. During our last months, she was still hesitant and overly cautious whenever driving, afraid she might hit something or someone.

At first it appeared as if she hadn’t heard my question, but I kent very well she had. Just as I opened my mouth to repeat, she answered. “Probably around the Christmas after you left. Road conditions during the winter aren’t always the best, and it can get quite icy. I had to learn how to not be so uptight whilst driving and to relax. I used to take a couple of deep breaths before driving, and then I would finally go.”

I listened as she told me about her many driving adventures. “I was in a bad wreck last summer with some serious injuries. It’s why my contact with the girls was so spotty. Every time I FaceTimed them, we had to cover up all the bruises and hide the fact I was in a hospital.”

Mel had told me as much back in Scotland, but it was different to hearing it from Claire herself. She was forthcoming and relayed all the details about it. “I still have some scars, but they’ve faded for the most part. I think most of them are trauma related. I went back to my therapist for a few sessions following the accident because I was terrified to get behind the wheel again. She told me to consider taking driving lessons with an instructor to build up my confidence. It helped immensely honestly.”

There was so much about her life that happened in my absence, and it worried me. How many opportunities would we get? Life was quick and could be brutal to the best of us. We’d dealt with premature birth, miscarriage/still birth, divorce, and so much more.

I knew in my heart I was unable to walk away from the woman beside me. If I did, I wouldn’t get another chance. I was more than aware of that. However, I was playing the long game. I couldn’t reveal my hand just yet.

The house appeared much the same.

The house was quite large no matter how you looked at it. “How many bedrooms?” I asked her.

“There are five and three and a half bathrooms as well. Isla and Bree do not share one. Since they’re both older now, they’re each responsible for cleaning their own. The skylights are mostly what sold me on the house though.” I recalled them from my last visit. They certainly let in a lot of light.

She set her purse on a table by the door. The house had changed some since I was last here. There were far more pictures of our daughters on the walls spanning multiple years, and some of them replaced the ones that were previously there.

They were in ornate silver frames and really highlight Claire’s classiness. She wasn’t generally into opulent possessions, but she believed in pictures having nice homes.

I stopped in front of the stairs to observe the new pictures. When I visited seven and a half years ago, it was a kindergarten Isla and pre-school aged Bree decorating the walls.

Instead of two small children, one barely out of toddlerhood, it was two young girls well on their way to becoming young women. Isla beamed expertly for her sixth grade photo with her face angled just right to capture the light. Her hair was perfectly coifed in curls with some sort of braid running down the side. I had the same photo at home, but it was still strange to see all the ways in which my little girl wasn’t so little anymore. My mind was still stuck on her becoming a woman.

Next to her was a third grade Bree. Her normally wild mane was styled into a braid with a ribbon tied at the bottom. She was missing a tooth in her bottom row. Her eyes seemed almost unnaturally large for her face, but were bright and happy.

There was a photo of the two of them in front of Cinderella’s castle. They had their ears on and Bree was trying to lick Isla’s face. “I put that one up to embarrass them more than anything. They’re such silly girls. I have a nicer one on my bedside table. The picture there is when Bree won her first football game after she joined a new team or soccer as she prefers.” She rolled her eyes playfully. Bree had corrected me a time or two. “Those are a few of her teammates. They’ve played together for about two years.”

She directed me to the opposite wall with a huge family portrait of the three of them. Claire sat on a chair with a girl on each arm of the chair. Isla wore her hair in loose waves, while Bree’s was in a high ponytail. They all shared the same smile, and their teeth were on full display for the camera. Claire had an arm wrapped around both girls as if it were the most natural thing, which it probably was. In the next one, Isla was on her stomach with Bree on top of her. Their grins were wide and eyes sparkled merrily.

“They look a lot like you. I ken ye disagree, but when I see them I see your smile, or the little sparkle in yer eyes. They’re so much like ye, it’s sometimes incredible.” She ducked her head bashfully, although I caught sight of the flaming of her cheeks. “What’s this one?”

It was a picture of all three of them, They were at the beach. Bree’s two front teeth were missing, and Isla’s hair was shorter. “Bree was almost five, which puts Isla at six nearly seven. Ages mattered significantly to them. We had spent two weeks on Martha’s Vineyard. It was our last day there and we were just walking, and Mel well...” she rolled her pretty brown eyes once again. “She enjoys photography, her wife jokes about it being her second career. Anyway she caught us as we were playing in the waves.”

I saw the carefree expressions of joy on their faces as Bree was preparing to splash water at her sister, Claire was chasing after her, and Isla was trying to run from her sister. They belonged there in that moment. It was a moment preserved and saved from the funny tricks of passing time. I almost felt as if I could reach right through and be in the moment with them. But it was one of theirs, not meant for me.

The pictures on the wall told their story after I left. As we made our way to her family room, I froze at the sight of a picture on the wall. I turned to her with tears clinging to my lashes searching for confirmation of what I was seeing. She nodded her head as she slid her hand into mine. “I didn’t want to pretend as if it never existed.”

In front of me was the only family portrait we had of the four of us. Bree was perhaps no older than three months, Isla was newly two, and unbeknownst to us in Claire’s belly was Gabriel. Bree was held delicately in her mother’s arms, while Isla sat on my lap. I had an arm wrapped around Claire as we all smiled for the camera. “I remember it took ye feeding Bree for her to stop crying long enough to take the picture. We were both ready to tear our hair out. I had to bribe Isla with ice cream for her to sit still.”

I heard her sniffle. My eyebrow lifted of its’ own accord as I hesitated about what to do. “Are ye okay Sassenach?”

She nodded her head, but I wasn’t entirely convinced. “Let’s go eat. We have some leftovers from our back to school party last night.” I stared at her strangely. She shrugged helplessly with a tiny smile adorning her lips. “It’s a tradition we started a few years ago. It isn’t always hosted by us, but it was our turn this year. We have all their friends over, and there’s food, laughter, maybe a game of something. It’s a good way to send the kids back.”

She pulled out Tupperware from her fridge and began piling them onto her counter. “We’ve got burgers, hot dogs, potato salad, pasta salad, baked beans, taco salad, uh... let’s see ribs, and barbecue chicken. We also have some sliced fruit and there’s veggies.”

“Dhia, were ye feeding an army?”

She smiled wanly. “Close, a bunch of preteen girls who are going through all sorts of whatever. I’m constantly at the grocery store because of how fast we go through food.”

We settled down with our plates at their dinner table. “The skylights let in a lot of light.” I commented. She didn’t need to turn on any lights.

She swallowed before taking a sip of water. Her face transformed as she began talking about different features of the house. “We’ve lived here for about eight years now. It’s a short commute to my work. My mother or one of the other parents in our carpool usually takes the girls to school. When they were younger, they went to daycare after school until they picked up sports, dance and piano lessons, and whatever else they’re doing. I remember when I first showed Isla the house, she stared at it as if it were a mansion. I suppose after living in a two bedroom apartment up until that point it probably was. She looked at it then at me and asked ‘is this our house?’ I told her yes and she began running through the halls screaming excitedly. Bree was nearly two at this point and did whatever her sister did.”

I chuckled at the picture she painted. “I guess it was love at first sight.”

The light illuminated Claire’s skin providing a nice glow. Although some of it seemed to radiate from her being, and she was truly a picture. Her dark hair was shiny and hung down her back. Her porcelain face was relaxed, her freckles hidden just beneath the light make-up she wore. There was something tremendously beautiful about her, and I couldn’t tell if it was her inner or outer beauty.

“If you want, you are welcome to pick them up from school. Bree’s school gets out at half past two, and Isla’s ends at three. Bree doesn’t have football today, but Isla has practice. You could watch the field hockey team. She’s the manager.” Claire’s hands were moving quickly, and I sensed her anxiety skyrocket yet again.

Whatever news she had to tell me wasn’t helping her nerves settle. “I ken yer nervous about something, so tell me what it is. I dinna like to see ye worked up,” my hand covered hers and I squeezed gently reminding her I was here.

She took a few deep, calming breaths, but it didn’t help her. Her hand was shaking under mine and I caught her glassy orbs. “Please Mo Nighean Donn,” her head snapped up as the term of endearment slipped past my lips.

Her mouth uncharacteristically fell open as she simply stared at me for a few lingering seconds. “Y- you haven’t called me that since...” she glanced skyward as she tried to think about it. I had stopped calling her that long before we made the decision to end our marriage. We were always unhappy, and it seemed as if everything I called her in the past wasn’t her anymore. “Well I don’t really remember,” she murmured quietly.

“What is it? You’re bothered by something.”

She steeled herself before saying the words that changed everything.

“I was pregnant after that night in Paris.”


	21. FRIENDS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last one for the night and probably the week, if I'm being honest. Enjoy! And let me know what you think.

**JPOV**

I stared at her in complete shock, overwhelmed by the news she dropped on me. I thought by the way she ignored all my attempts to address that night that it hadn’t meant much to her. She avoided my calls and passed the phone to Isla as soon as she realized it was me calling. Once or twice, I could’ve passed it off as a coincidence until it happened every time. It was her refusal to speak to me that precipitated a visit that fall. Our morning after wasn’t idyllic. Far from it. There were too many things said and left unsaid.

_Morning After_

_We had done it. Last night, we pretended to be perfect strangers. It eased our guilt about sneaking around like we were randy teenagers. I needed a pretense to see her, and it happened to be that she was going to be in Paris around the time of Jared’s gala._

_We had sworn it would be a one time thing and that we wouldn’t let our feelings interfere and ruin it. I don’t know about Claire, but I knew that I would break that promise. I couldn’t separate my feelings from the act. There was no way I would ever be the type to sleep with a person and then forget about it. My father had taught me too much about respecting women, and it didn’t seem right._

_However, I had tried to keep my emotions at bay. It went hell the moment I saw her enter the hall. Her fair skin shimmered in the minimal lighting of the room. She was stunning. Her lips were bright red and kissable. I wanted to march up and kiss her then and there, but we had made a promise. There was a basic script we were supposed to adhere to, and I was intrigued._

_I nearly lost my damn mind when I saw another man approach her. While she held a mild interest in whatever he was saying, I didn’t like the idea of another man speaking to her. She would say it was the caveman in me and I wouldn’t disagree. It was difficult not to see red, especially when his eyes lowered to enjoy the view of her chest._

_The dress was cut to highlight the curves of her body and the red complimented her perfectly. I was struggling to rein in my hormones and not drag her away to my hotel room. We eventually met and went through our little charade, and then we made love. There was something primal about it. I couldn’t resist biting her at the end or later when we went for another round._

_I awoke before her and stared at her. Her make-up was smudged and there was glitter all over face, but she had never seemed more beautiful to me. Her hair was in loose waves, well really knots after our third go around. Her lips were pressed into my neck and I never wanted to leave the moment where I had her in my arms._

_Over two years since I had seen her in person, and my attraction to her hadn’t faded one iota. In fact, I was more attracted to her now. It seemed impossible._

_Seeing the way her body had matured did things to me. She had shed all the weight from her pregnancies, and her body was glorious. I loved her ass the most. It was firm and round. She rolled her eyes when I told her last night._

_Staring at her, I realized I didn’t want her to disappear from my life. How could I let her go after what we shared? It was proof that what we had was special, infinite, and there was no goingback. I was irrevocably in love with her._

_Her eyes scrunched tightly and little puffs of air escaped her lips as she began to wake. I held tight to her as she tried to push herself away. “Jamie?”_

_“Hmm…”_

_“Do you think you could let go of me?”_

_“No, I dinna think I will.”_

_“I’ve got to pee.” That was one way to effectively kill the mood._

_I heard the flush of the toilet moments later. Still, she didn’t come out. She was panicking. She was attempting to figure out a way to extract her from what was inevitably coming._

_With a sigh, I slid out of bed and knocked on the door. “Claire? Please open the door.”_

_There was a sniffle. “I can’t.”_

_“Yes, you can. Please.”_

_The lock clicked and I opened the door. She sat on the toilet with her knees drawn to her chest. Her eyes were teary as she stared at me helplessly. The make-up had been washed away and she looked even younger. I softened at the sight of her. Of all the reactions I had prepared for, this one hadn’t come to mind._

_“Are ye okay? Are you hurt?”_

_She stared up at me with those golden orbs and my heart broke. There was so much vulnerability and insecurity, I had to turn away. She shook her head._

_“Did I do something wrong?” She shook her head again. I was at a loss to explain her tears. Had she always been that small? “Are ye mad at me?” Again her head moved in disagreement. “Why are you crying?”_

_“I thought it would be easy.” She whispered. I had to strain to hear her. “We weren’t married, but we are familiar. It sounded like a good idea two months ago when we started discussing it, but now…” her lids shut and all I could see were her dark lashes. My heart was shredded when I saw the first tear. Her eyes were open and wet. “Now I don’t know what to do. I thought I didn’t have feelings for you, or at least I convinced myself of that. How could we do that? Insanity must have come over us to think we could successfully have sex without it affecting us.”_

_My heart stuttered and my breathing halted for a moment. “What?”_

_She shook her head. “Last night shouldn’t have happened. We… we… just when you appeared and we started dancing, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. Your touch burned in a good way. I thought I was dead inside and was unable to feel anything resembling sexual attraction. Then last night happened, and we were like magnets. I couldn’t stay away. I was a moth to a flame, helpless to resist the charms of the flickering fire. You really rose to the occasion,” snorted and shook her head. "I meant that literally, although I suppose figuratively fits just as well."_

_I sensed a but. “But?”_

_Her eyes lowered. “What does it mean? We agreed to not allow our personal feelings towards each other get in the way. This was supposed to be a one time affair. I don’t know what I should do. My home is in Boston and you’re creating a life in Edinburgh. This is impossible. I don't have it in me to be in a relationship. I thought- I really don't know why I thought this was a good idea. We are smarter than this, but we allowed ourselves to give into temptation. None of this changes the past.”_

_Reality came to punch me in the face. We had spent four months flirting and pretending this was something it wasn’t. The gala was an excuse to finally see one another. We told ourselves we were itching a scratch and that this didn’t have to mean anything. Neither of us believed it wouldn’t have some lasting effect. “What do ye want me to do? I love you. I’ve never stopped and yeah there are times where I’ve wanted to wring yer neck, and where I came close to hating you; but I can’t stop coming back to you.”_

_She cried harder. I wanted to go to her. “We would still have the same problems. Those don’t disappear. You hate my job, the fact that I come from money, and sometimes you hate me. You said so yourself.” I did. “You dislike that I’m a control freak. And don’t lie, but you resented me when you dropped out of school to take that job. In some ways, my life hadn’t changed. I still got to attend school, while you worked grueling hours and worked hard to distinguish yourself in a job that you had never really wanted. I knew then.” She sniffled, wiping her nose on the hotel robe._

_I tugged at my hair, unable to deny the truths she voiced. “Ye’re right.”_

_“I know,” she murmured. “I tried to pretend not to notice. Money was a sensitive subject and well from there everything dissolved into chaos. Can you tell me that anything has changed?”_

_I would always be bothered by the disparities regarding the way we each viewed money. I had resented her. She was the one who pushed out our children, but she didn’t have to give up her aspirations. It was taking time for me to get my life together. I had decided to start a business, but I had to save up the capital and find some investors. Claire bought a house without blinking at the price._

_“I hated you too. For too many things. Always working. Spending time with that tramp.” Her eyes hardened. “Never having enough time. Forgetting about dates and other commitments. It was happening before Bree was born. I wish it was only those last six months, but we started drifting before that. When you had forgotten our third wedding anniversary, I did my best not to be hurt. I pretended I forgot too.”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“I am too, but Jamie be truthful. This can’t go anywhere. We’ve got too many issues together and apart, and when we’re together we bring out the worst in each other.”_

_I disagreed. “I dinna believe that’s true. We had our problems, but it wasn’t all bad.”_

_“When was the last time you were happy with me? Bree’s birth doesn’t count. I keep trying to remember, but I can’t.”_

_“Why are you doing this? We can work through all of that.” Her arms tightened around her legs as she tucked her head. “I-we weren’t always the best, but we could fix it. There’s too much between us to let go.”_

_“Maybe that’s why we should.”_

_I stumbled into the door frame. “You canna mean that. I love you. I dinna care about that other stuff bogging us down.”_

_“Yes, you do.” Her voice was somber. “I do too. We can’t pretend to be something we’re not because of loves. That’s not right.”_

_“Last night changed everything. It put it into perspective for me.”_

_“That’s hormones speaking. You’re still on a sex high and haven’t come down from the bliss.”_

_“I don’t think ye believe that.”_

_“I do. You’ve got to stop. Please.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Stop Jamie, this- this it can’t… no it doesn’t work. What are we doing?” She picked her head up and look at me with clear eyes. “We agreed. You agreed not to do this. Wanting something and actually having it are two different things. Last night wasn’t real. This isn’t our real lives. We were pretending because we both know deep down that this won’t work. Love isn't some end all be all. It doesn't magically solve everything.”_

I let her go. I didn’t know what to say to convince her. Had we fallen back into what was familiar and that was why? It plagued me for months not to have the answer until I realized in the end she was the answer. We had issues, but what couple didn’t? If we were together, we could work towards finding solutions. Running away wasn’t the answer, but it was the easiest. We spent too long running.

Her face was tense with her fists clenched in her lap and her eyes squeezed tightly as if in preparation for a negative reaction from me. I didn’t know what I was feeling in that moment. How was someone supposed to react?

“I dinna ken what to say.” I was speechless. She was pregnant. What happened?

“I was nervous to tell you,” she admitted, her face burned with apparent shame. “After that night, everything was messy between us. I didn’t know how to talk to you. I was contemplating how to tell you when I suffered a miscarriage. It broke me. I spent some time in an outpatient facility. It was the real catalyst for me in taking my therapy seriously.”

“Well I canna say I blame ye after what happened with Gabriel. I wish I could’ve been there for you. Is that why you avoided me in the months that followed?” She nodded. “Why didn’t you tell me? Even afterwards?”

She sighed and fiddled with her fork. “I…” she licked her lips. “When it happened, I could hardly process it. It seemed unreal. It was later when I realized I had screwed up with my birth control and I was the one who insisted on not using protection. Then I lost the baby, and you would never have to know about it. I’ve pushed it aside over the years. Losing a second baby made me feel like I was a failure. I had made all of these crippling mistakes and it seemed as if the world was paying me back for all my wrongs.”

She had believed that. It was one of the many ways in which we were similar. She thought she had done something to deserve the loss. “That’s not how it works.”

Her lips lifted slightly. “I know. I’m a doctor, but knowing something and believing it aren’t the same. Therapy helped shift my thinking a lot. I know miscarriages just happen. I can’t really answer why I never told you.”

“Would you have told me about the baby?”

“Yes,,,?” It came out as a question. “Look I want to say yes, but I don’t know. I was really messed up. Me rejecting you in Paris had more to do with me than you. Sounds like a stupid line, but i wasn’t in a good head space.” Something about her expression reminded me of that day when she sat on the toilet crying.

I wasn’t sure who reached first, but we were in one another’s embrace again. I smelled the vanilla of her shampoo and felt the downy softness of her hair against my cheek. I was home in her arms. It wasn’t right to relish in this as she was engaged to another man, but I would enjoy it while it lasted.

I shed a few tears into her hair and felt the shuddering force of her sobs as she finally let go of the secret she had been carrying. The day had turned out far different than I imagined.

After visiting Gabriel’s grave, I couldn’t ignore the feelings inside of me that screamed for him. I hadn’t told Claire then, but I struggled with my own faith in the aftermath of our son’s death. I wondered endlessly if it counted as death if he’d never lived. He hadn’t taken a single breath, instead he was a small baby, no longer a fetus, but he was something otherworldly altogether.

Gabriel reminded me of the tales my mam told my siblings and I when we were young. She tucked us in with our eyes wide and full of wonder as she regaled us with stories of mythical creatures including fairies who stole away with human children and replaced them with their own.

As I cradled his body to my chest, Gabriel reminded me of a child belonging to another realm. His tiny, almost un-human like features would remain so forever.

“Sometimes I think I don’t want to have anymore children. The risk is high. I haven’t had good luck in three out of four pregnancies. I don’t know why I’m sharing this with you, but I’m talking. I’m scared to tell Peter. He loves Isla and Bree, but I know he would like children of his own. I just don’t know that I can do that.”

I had to stop her. It wasn’t the type of thing she should be telling me. “I think you should talk to him. He’s a medical professional and he’ll understand your fears.” I had the same ones, but it wasn’t my place to comfort her at least right now. My job at the moment was to be her friend again.

“What made ye choose to live in Cambridge?” We hadn’t decided on a location when we were planning to move out of our crowded apartment. We hadn’t gotten beyond us needing to move. There were too many disagreements about money, location, and it never came to fruition.

Her eyes found mine. I saw the spark of life in those whiskey colored orbs. “Well it was really my realtor. I wanted something not too far from the hospital. I didn’t care about school districts as I knew then I wanted them to attend Catholic schools. The house was probably our second or third showing, and it was perfect. As I said, I knew from the beginning. Besides saying Cambridge sort of reminds me of home on occasion.” I saw the whites of her teeth as she beamed at me.

“So aside from the sky lights, is there any another part of the house ye like?”

I wanted to hear her talk. I didn’t particularly care about the subject matter. It was being in close proximity and hearing her voice in person and not through a grainy speaker. When we were friends we talked all the time.

“The bathrooms are quite nice, but I suppose my favorite room is the sitting room. The window seat overlooks the garden, and it’s lovely during fall. I curl up with a book and usually have a nap. There’s always a blanket nearby as the girls do the same. It’s comfy and cozy, and perfect for lazy days where we don’t go anywhere and sit at home.”

The image filled my heart with love as I saw it. Claire always enjoyed days where she could relax. She was a workaholic and was restless if she was without a purpose for too long, but if she had a day off, she would lay there with a book or sleep all day. Sometimes she watched trashy television or her secret favorite movies. She would stay in her pajamas, usually plaid bottoms and a t-shirt she nicked from me. Her hair was stuck in a bun on top of her head. Casual Claire had to be one of my favorite versions of her. It was the her no one else really saw, and was reserved for her family. \

“Claire,” she hummed in response as she focused on munching on her fruit. “So ye said Bree was almost five in the picture of the three of ye at the beach, how did she come to lose her two front teeth at age four?” All I would ever have is the stories of what happened in my absence, but I still wanted to know. It wasn’t a story I was familiar with. I had recalled the first video call where I noticed, but Bree never shared the story. She spoke about pre-k and football.

Her eyes crinkled in obvious mirth as a snort escaped her. She began chortling and I was worried about her sanity. “Sorry,” she apologized as she attempted to control her laughter. “It’s really not funny, but at the same time it is. Bree was already playing football by that time. Well she was quite angry at me one day, and went out into the garden to play. One of her angry kicks resulted in the ball hitting the pole of the net and then smacking her right in the face. It knocked out both teeth. She had a lisp until they grew in, and it reminded me a bit of Sylvester from the Looney Toons.”

“Was she okay? No other injuries?” I was worried about an incident that occurred five years ago. With each passing tale, I ached for the lost time together.

Claire shook her head. “No, she cried, but it was more from shock than being hurt. You should’ve seen her. She was tiny back then and fierce with an independent streak a mile long." I couldn't fathom where she would've gotten that. Claire ignored my look. "She had this pissed off expression and her eyes were narrow slits, her lips pinched tightly together, and she threw a tantrum as she stormed through the house. I ignored it that day as my mum said giving her attention was exactly what she wanted.”

It wasn’t hard to imagine because I knew quite well from experience where Bree inherited that particular expression. I had seen it dozens if not hundreds of times on her mother’s face.

“What?” Claire asked.

“Nothing.”

“Liar, you’re smirking over there and I want to know why.”

I cackled as soon as she made the same expression as the one she just described. “Jamie, you’re such an ass.”

I couldn’t stop laughing because it felt good. I felt so much lighter than I had in ages. It was a relief not to have a weight constantly pressing down on me. These last few weeks I was a wound up ball of anxiety and confusion. I didn’t know how well my relocation would be received. It was a risk.

“Oh shite,” she grumbled unhappily, her body pushed away from mine as she stood up. “I’ve got to get back.”

Her hand reached out for the table as she tried to steady her balance after getting up too quickly. She sat back down at the table and watched as I cleared lunch. I caught the slightest twitching of her lips, and I wasn’t offended in the slightest. I kent very well what she thought was hilarious and I chose to ignore her with a fond roll of my eyes.

I hadn’t been one for assisting in the kitchen when we were married. It wasn’t that I believed a woman’s place was in the kitchen, but I was normally a clumsy clot and broke more than a few of our nice dishes. I also just hated doing dishes. It was my assigned chore as a lad, and I did anything I could to get out of it. Jenny finally switched me to floor dirty after we had to replace a few dishes.

Claire’s eyes blazed angrily when I broke some of our wedding china. We hadn’t been using it, but she’d been gingerly cleaning them because according to her they were collecting dust. I tripped into her, the dish went flying out of her hands, and then smashed into the kitchen floor. The ferocity of her anger caused me to fear for my manhood, and I swore to stay out of her way in the kitchen after that incident.

After I rinsed off our plates and stored them in the dishwasher and returned the remaining leftovers to the fridge, I offered my arm to her and assisted her to her car.

Her lips were pinched tightly together, which meant she was biting back a sharp retort. I appreciated the gesture as I understood she was trying her best not to let her temper get the best of her. She was making the effort for me. She wanted to stay on good terms.

“Let’s get ye back to work. Are ye okay to drive?”

“Yes,” she nodded as she locked up the house and set the alarm. “Bree will disarm it when you pick her up later. She knows how to do it.”

“Why did ye apply for citizenship?” I knew it was a non-sequitur, but I remember when the girls first told me about their mam being like them.

It niggled at me greatly, but we weren’t on such great speaking terms at the time. There was no way I could’ve asked her such a thing.

The lines around her eyes appeared as she wondered what my purpose was for asking in the first place. While there were differences in Claire from when I was most familiar with her, her facial expressions never changed and almost always gave away her thoughts. If she wore a mask, her eyes were the best way to tell the sort of mood she was in or what was going through her mind.

Her tongue darted out to wet her luscious, pink lips. I followed the movement with my eyes tempted to kiss her, knowing that I should discontinue that line of thinking. “Well it was easier honestly. I applied for a green card before you left actually and was on a visa until I got it. I think they approved me around the beginning of 2011, and I completed the requirements of a permanent resident. I hadn’t left the U.S. during that time as I was fairly busy with the girls and my residency, and it was just easy to stay.”

“What sorts of things were required for citizenship?” I’d heard about the difficulty in becoming a citizen, but if anyone were up to the challenge, it was Claire.

“You have to possess knowledge about the constitution, civics, pretty good understanding of the English language,” her lips twitched. “And have good moral character. It’s an interview process, not terrifying in the least. I actually filled out the forms three months prior to completing my residency requirement because it gave me a jump start, especially as I was ending my surgical residency.”

Claire was nothing if not efficient. She never had time for chaos in her life, and preferred to have her tasks completed early so that she didn’t run the risk of forgetting about it in the end.

Our time together was almost over as I recognized how antsy she was gettin standing beside her car. “Why become an American though?” 

“Because our daughters were citizens and I knew I wouldn’t ever go back to England.” At least she was honest about her intentions. I couldn’t fault her for her answer because I’d asked her, and expected it in all fairness. “I love my homeland, although I’m still disappointed about the World Cup, but I’ve now lived here for twelve years, and England sometimes seems more like a fantasy than anything tangent if that makes any semblance of sense to you.”

I nodded because it did. It was how I thought about her after I moved back to Scotland. Our time together almost felt like a novel, something not real. I often felt as if I’d imagined the whole thing, but I wasn’t nearly that creative. The longer you’re parted from something, the less real it feels.

“Thank ye for lunch,” I couldn’t look at her because I knew I would ask her to not go back and stay with me for the afternoon. I couldn’t ask that of her, not yet. She wasn’t ready for that type of closeness.

“I wish I could stay, but I’ve got patient files to review. One of my residents has their first solo surgery later and I’ll be in the O.R. with them. I hope you don’t mind me leaving like this. I don’t know what time I’ll be back, but Isla and Bree know what they’re supposed to do.”

I understood what she was trying to tell me without her needing to voice it. There was a chance she might work later than she expected. “Isla still has no clue about you being here, but she’ll be over the moon. She does have practice today and Bree has practice at four. Bree gets picked up from school through a carpool, but I can text her friend’s mum and tell her not to worry. Before I forget,” she unlocked her car to retrieve a piece of cardstock with a number on it. “It’s so Bree and the school know which car she’s getting in. Anyway, her coach texted earlier when you were using the bathroom that they were going to have a last minute practice as she’s cancelling Thursday’s. Isla will stay after school for practice which ends at five thirty. You can pick her up then or see her during practice, and I’ll text my mum and tell her the ride is all taken care of. Isla finishes at one, but she will just stay after. She’ll likely be sitting on the bleachers.”

I marveled at the woman before me as she had parenting down to a science. She was constantly aware of our daughters and their active schedules, and found ways to stay involved with their lives.

“Don’t let them con you into a pizza. It’s leftover night, and they’re perfectly aware we’ve still got food at the house. They each have a house key, and you can stay until I get home.”

“It’ll be fine Claire. I’ve taken care of them before this.” They did stay with me two months every summer. “I haven’t poisoned them yet.”

Her brows nearly rose to her hairline, and I was surprised to find they could go higher. At least that was my perception. “They’re talented at getting their way, and they’ll have you believing I never cook for them and we eat take-out regularly. I’m just saying watch out because Isla has all the numbers on speed dial.” She winked at me as we shared a brief hug. I could’ve sworn I heard her whisper ‘so nice’, but when we pulled apart, her face gave away nothing.

“I’ll call when I’m on my way home.” Her lips came awfully close to mine, but she diverted and kissed me cheek. “Thanks for doing all of this.” Our new relationship needed some discussions, but they were better left for when she actually had time.

I had a lot on my mind as I backed out of her driveway. So many things she had never told me. At least I had a better idea for why she ignored my constant bombardment of calls and texts.

Communication was going to be a work in progress. It was a skill we had been lacking in all along. We were married when we were twenty years old. It wasn’t a wrong decision, but if I reflected on the time, we weren’t ready for the responsibilities. We wanted to be tied to one another permanently without conscious thought about how it fully affected our future and what sacrifices each of us might have to make. We hadn’t thought of the possibility of having children while Claire and I were in school; it was always a thought for later and when Claire’s period skipped, we freaked out.

It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility as we tried to be careful with birth control, but sometimes we couldn’t keep our hands off one another to grab a condom.

I didn’t regret my children. Each one was a blessing given to us by god, and I cherished my daughters for the joy, love, light, and just everything else they brought to my life simply by existing.

I had some time to spare before school ended and decided to check out the apartment where I would be living. I had my work cut out for me in the coming months. Things weren’t nearly as awkward with Claire as they could’ve been given our previous encounters, but it wasn’t how it used to be either.

She didn’t trust that I was here for the duration. Before showing her my potential as a partner, I needed her to be secure in the knowledge that I wasn’t going anywhere (permanent) ever again unless she was by my side.

Isla and I discussed some of this when it was just the two of us in her hospital room. She told me how there was a time she hated me. When she realized how far Scotland was from Boston, and how I never attended any of her school programs, sports games, and everything else that made up her life. She played the violin, which I didn’t know about. I knew about the piano as she practiced on the one at Lallybroch, but I had never heard her play the violin.

At first she couldn’t figure out what she was feeling when she saw other dads congratulate their kids or give their daughters flowers, and then with a sinking feeling in her stomach she realized she was envious. Other kids had something she only had for two months out of the year barring years they spent Easter, Nollaig, and Hogmanay. It rarely happened as it was such a short time for the girls out of school. It was also one of the busiest times of year for me with the brewery and pub.

Isla was tearful as she informed how every time they traveled home, she found more reasons to hate me and wrote them down so she could stay angry. It made her feel better to hold onto because without it, inside she was empty. It all disappeared when she saw me again, but as soon as she was on the plane back home, the feelings of abandonment came back to her.

Her lifelong hope was the rekindling of my relationship with her mother. She never thought it would actually happen because the two of us never spoke unless it concerned our daughters. She picked up at a young age the tension between us. It never escaped her notice how I clenched my jaw or how Claire needed a glass of wine before she rang me. If Claire was particularly anxious, she would twirl the glass and balance on one leg to give herself something to focus on aside from her nerves.

The hours passed and before I knew it I was picking up Bree from school. A huge grin was in place as she waited on the curb for pick up. She chattered to her little friends and her face was animated as her hands moved wildly. She was enthusiastic in her movements.

Claire had given me the numbered placard for pick-up as that was how they determined which child’s turn it was to leave. Bree must’ve heard her name as she began hugging her little friends before making her way to the car when she spotted me. She slid into the backseat with ease and a giant grin.

Her dress was a bit wrinkled, but none the worse for wear. She sported her hair in a French braid instead of the ponytail it was styled in earlier that morning. The ribbon was tied to the end, and her hairband was nowhere to be seen. I chalked it up to a girl thing.

Her backpack was emptier than it was when we walked her inside this morning. “How was yer first day?” I had always wanted to ask in person.

It was clearly the right question as her face lit up and she began to rapidly talk. I knew she liked to talk, but I had never heard so many words come out of her before.

“Oh Mrs. Nicholson is so awesome and nice. She let us pick our own desks, and told us she’d only move us if she found our seating arrangements to be a problem. I’m sitting with my friends and I’m so excited. Last year we sat at different islands because our teacher kept moving us all around the classroom. She wanted us to get to know all the kids in class and have a chance to work with them. Hopefully we don’t get moved.” She inhaled quickly before continuing on with her day. “Then we were assigned our cubbies. It’s alphabetical,” she explained. “So I was close to the beginning since our last name starts with F. Then we put our supplies in little baskets at the bottom of our cubbies. Only our pencil boxes went in our desks as Mrs. Nicholson hates clutter.” She emphasized her statement with a hand gesture. “We didn’t really do much today except some back to school worksheets. There was this cool emoji activity we did where we cut out emojis and placed them on a sheet that looked like a tablet to show how we felt about different things like the first day and last day, or math, lunch. Then we filled out an all about ourselves sheet. We also read letters from last year’s fourth graders. We will write our own at the end of the year. Isn’t that exciting? This year is going to be awesome.”

There was so much exuberance exuding from her, I was almost worried I had the wrong child in the car.

“That is cool. Ye should definitely think over the school year what kind of advice you want to pass onto a kid next year.” Her head bobbed seriously as her eyes frosted over with consideration. “So it turns out ye have practice tonight for football. Yer mother received a text about a cancelled one later this week.”

“That’s fine. We haven’t had a practice since Thursday because of a Labor Day Tournament. The coaches care more about our physical improvement than if we win though. The tournament went okay, but there’s always room for improvement. I’m excited to beat my personal best this year and to work even harder than last year.” I saw the determined gleam in her eyes.

We played over the summers, but it was always more fun on my side. I never knew how seriously she took the sport, but if her face was any indication, it meant a lot to her. “We have a game this Saturday. Do you...” her voice trailed off and I glanced in the rearview mirror to catch her eyes.

“Do I... what?”

“Well parents are welcome to attend games. Sometimes with mommy too busy I ride with my friends, but if you aren’t busy I wouldn’t mind if you came.” She said shyly. It wasn’t a trait I had ever associated with her.

I wracked my brains, but aside from meeting with a few realtors and meeting with investors, I didn’t have anything pressing. I still had yet to reconnect with my friends from the city, so my schedule was wide open for whatever my girls wanted to do. “Where is it?”

“I can’t remember exactly, but coach will probably tell us at practice. We play in the NEP/NEC league.” I crinkled my brown in confusion at what seemed to be a colloquial term. “It’s the New England Premiership and New England Championship,” she simplified. “We play more games in the fall as spring prepares us for the championship. We just had a tournament over Labor Day weekend. It’s usually only holiday weekends we have tournaments. Sometimes we go out of town.”

“When did ye try out?” I wasn’t sure when they held tryouts, and sometimes I worried if them visiting me affect the opportunities they had waiting for them back home.

She worried her bottom lip as she tried to recall. “It was the beginning of June, I think the fifth and sixth. They have us tryout based on when we were born because that determines our team. Our season starts in August and we train about twice a week. During the winter, we move our practices indoors and I play on a futsal team since our practices are only weekly. Then in March, we increase practices for NEP and NEC.”

I was astounded by how informative she was and how well she knew her stuff. She didn’t take her participation lightly and was responsible for what she had to do. I was proud of her.

“What’s yer favorite position?”

It took her a while to ponder this as we made our way to her house. “Well I really enjoy being a striker because I love making goals. Defensive midfielder is probably my other favorite. We switch positions so we don’t get too comfortable and have an opportunity to play each position. I hate being goalie.” She bemoaned and told me about the injustice of standing in a net and waiting to catch the ball. “I like being in the action. I’m also terrible at blocking.”

I pulled into the driveway, and it was kind of strange but in a good way. Bree grabbed her backpack. I turned off the GPS on my phone and followed behind her.

She unlocked the door and disarmed the alarm just as Claire said she would. Her bag was plopped right by the door as she headed straight to the kitchen for an afternoon snack. She pulled out apple slices and went to the pantry for peanut butter. Then took a seat the table before getting back up for a glass of milk. She was self-sufficient and was comfortable with her afternoon routine when she got home from school.

“Isla’s practice doesn’t start until three thirty. She has piano right after school and then she goes to practice. So we don’t have to leave yet. Do you want one?”

I sat down across from her and simply marveled at this marvelous creature. It was incredible how she started out as a defenseless baby with tufts of bright orange hair and grew into this child who could certainly talk the ear off anyone.

I snatched an apple slice from her plate and she giggled. “Did anyone ever tell you, you talk to0 much?”

Her laugh was a tinkling sound. “All the time, my mom says I need duct tape all the time. Isla offers to use her own if I can’t shut up.” She shrugged her shoulders as if it was just her life. Which I guess it was. “You will have to drop me off at practice, or I can call my friend’s parents ask if they can pick me up from Isla’s school. Her practice doesn’t usually end until five thirty.” She chomped on another apple. “Not that she’s doing much. She’s responsible for the equipment and things like that.”

I studied her. She was more freckly than when I last saw her, and her arms had a bit of a tan. Both of my daughters were very fair. They had no chance, yet somehow managed to get a little color on them. Brianna’s hair was streaked with lighter strands, a result from playing in the sun. “So how far is the field?”

“It’s like twenty minutes from here and Isla’s school. Either way you take I-90 or I-93. The field is by Pleasure Bay, so it can be cool sometimes. Mommy takes the longer route because she hates paying tolls, but if we are running late on the days she does carpool, she does go through them.”

She polished off her apple slices, and we still had some time before we had to leave. “You know Isla actually started school yesterday but it was only a half day. They got out at noon. Today was when classes started and sports practices.”

Bree was a fountain of information and honestly talked as long as someone allowed her. “Come see my room,” she tugged me behind her as we made our way to the steps.

Her room was the second door at the top of the stairs. The floor was a beautiful wood. They kept the floor polished which gave the wood a shiny appearance.

On Bree’s door there were little things to indicate it was hers. Her name was stenciled in calligraphy with multicolored paper flowers placed from top to bottom. It screamed Bree.

She opened the door to her room. The walls were painted a soft pink with matching pink curtains adorning her windows. The curtains were open and let in light to further brighten the space. On the walls, were stick on gold polka-dots. She had a little pink chair in a corner where I imagined her curling up to read. A string of fairy lights were placed on the wall above her bed with pictures clipped of family and friends. The bed was a white wood four poster queen. She had a pink bed skirt, and I only imagined the things she kept under her bed. The blanket was a white, interfering with her pink color scheme. She had two teal decorative pillows with a pink one between them. Behind were two regular pillows in white pillow cases. Across from her bed was a white five drawer dresser some pattern painted on in teal. She had a white rug with a teal pattern.I was slowly understanding she preferred bright colors.

The room was surprisingly tidy. She had two dolls placed on her bed with a familiar, well worn Teddy in between. “The rest of them are in the play room. Mommy won’t let me keep my toys in here anymore. She doesn’t like when my room isn’t clean. She kept stepping on legos and blocks.”

Ah... that made sense. Bree had difficulty picking up after herself at my house too, and I constantly reminded her to clear her things when she was done with them. “Did you decorate it yourself?”

“Oh, it was a birthday present last year. I wanted something that wasn’t baby-ish.” She made a face. “My walls used to be lavender and I had a twin bed. There were butterflies and other little kid things, and mommy and I got some ideas from Pinterest. She loves that website.”

I coughed to hide my laughter. “I like it. It’s very you.”

She straightened her back and her dimples popped out of her cheeks. She was pleased by my compliment. “Thanks,” then she turned from me and headed for her closet. She dug around until she pulled out a black backpack.

Cleats were thrown in the bag along with a hairbrush, deodorant, and other things she used when she went to practice. “My ball is downstairs. I’ll get it before we leave, and I think my water bottle is in the dishwasher. I’m going to go change for practice.” She pointed to a door across the hall, which I assumed to be her bathroom. Claire had mentioned Bree and Isla having their own.

She grabbed athletic shorts and a t-shirt from atop her dresser and scurried across the hall. She was back five minutes later. The blue ribbon was gone. She grabbed a hoodie from her closet and stuffed it into her bag. “It can get cold.”

I trailed behind her as we moved back downstairs where she gathered the remainder of her things. She was efficient and knew what she needed. She filled her water bottle with ice and water. She grabbed two granola bars and a Gatorade from the fridge. Then she packed her bag, and shoved the soccer ball into it’s netted pocket. “Okay, I’m ready,” she informed me as she headed towards the door. She grabbed her key and began setting the alarm.

I found myself in awe. Where was my little girl? Bree was different when she stayed with me during the summer, but she didn’t have an established routine. We varied our days and I didn’t require much of them responsibility wise. They kept their rooms neat and cleaned their shared bathroom weekly.

“I can tell you how to get to Isla’s school so you don’t have to use GPS. It can get confused sometimes and take you through traffic.” She guided me through several streets and we pulled into the parking lot of NCD.

It reminded me of something I would see on a university campus instead of a school for children. It was massive. I was reminded of some English country estates as I stared up at it.

Bree grabbed her bag and I followed her to the fields. The girls were just beginning to filter out, and some were already on the field playing.

I spotted Isla instantly. Her hair was pulled into a long ponytail atop her head. She was on the field, conversing with some of the team.

Bree handed me her bag and ran the length of the field, calling her sister’s name loudly. The other girls were nonplussed and treated it as an ordinary occurrence. A few of the girls smiled and greeted Bree as she passed them. Isla moved to the sidelines and dropped the sticks she was holding to embrace her sister.

I slid my phone out of my pocket to snap a pick of the two of them. These were the moments I didn’t get enough of, and had missed way too many.

“Excuse me, sir,” a woman in shorts and a NCD t-shirt came out, brandishing a clipboard. Her whistle was poised at her lips. “I will not hesitate to call the police. This is private property, and we do not-“

“Coach, wait he’s my dad.” It seemed to stop the woman short and several of Isla’s teammates turned their heads in my direction. It reminded me of Bree’s school all over again. “I promise he wouldn’t hurt anyone. He’s never been here, but I can vouch for him. He got in from Scotland early this morning. I promise he’s not a pedo.”

Those seemed to be the magic words as the coach relaxed her posture and smiled at me. She offered her hand. “I’m Coach Thomas. You’ve got a fine young lady here. Isla is a talented center forward and we will be lucky to have her on the team again. Right now she’s wonderful as our manager and my assistant coach. Warm-ups begin in five Isla,” she told her as she headed towards the other girls.

Isla stared at me in complete wonderment. “Am I hallucinating?” She rubbed her eyes and blinked a few times, but the image was still the same. I was there at her school. “Dad, you’re actually here. Does mom know? Oh my gosh,” she squealed happily as she threw her arms around me.

It was amazing the progress she’d made since I last saw her. She was on pain medication and had all her injuries visible for everyone to see. She didn’t have the crutches with her and could walk. There was a slight limp, but it wasn’t too noticeable.

“I’m actually here,” I kissed her head and relished in the feeling of knowing I’d made a right decision. “I think yer team is waiting.”

She pulled back with pink cheeks. “Right, you can sit over there.” She pointed to a set of bleachers where Bree sat. “We will talk after practice.” She winked at me before running to her team.

The whole day was a surreal experience, and it wasn’t over yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did choose to flesh out the Paris storyline a bit more. I rushed it in the original and never discussed the full impact it had on Claire and Jamie. So here's me doing that over a year later. 
> 
> This week turned into a shit storm. There was a mouse in my room and my cat turned out to be useless. Lots of screaming and climbing on furniture was involved. It was only by accident that the mouse died. My sister was in a minor car accident. So yeah... not the greatest week. 
> 
> I do want to start doing my question of the week or chapter again. It's fun finding out all these little things about you guys.  
> So this week's question is: what's your least favorite food?  
> Mine is probably any kind of meat aside from deli turkey, chicken, and beef (I refuse to eat steak, it's gross.) But to each their own.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having fun writing this updated version. I like this more confident Jamie and this version of Claire who talks too much. Her streams of consciousness are fun to write because she doesn't even realize what she's saying. Remember guys, Jamie is playing the long game. Directly sabotaging her relationship with Peter would get him nowhere and would hurt his daughters too. 
> 
> A huge s/o to Jeannie for hands down my favorite comment. She made me laugh and I needed that.   
> I love that you guys are so amazing and that you read what I write. It's an amazing feeling. I really do take your views into consideration when I'm writing because sometimes I don't always consider things.

**JPOV**

I watched mesmerized as Isla assisted her coach. Before they even began work on the field, they had their warm-ups. The girls ran a few laps around the field, stretched, and did some other basic exercises to get their heart rate up. Isla did some of the warm-ups, but she wasn’t back to running. She had two weeks left of physical therapy and then she would start to integrate her old workout routines.

Bree read a book and didn’t seem the least bit interested. Occasionally her head bobbed up when the girls took to the field with sticks in hand.

“She was terrible last year,” she informed me quietly, her finger keeping tabs on her page. “At tryouts she was great, but her nerves got the best of her at the first few games. She got really good by the end of the season, and had such an amazing turnaround. It sucks that she doesn’t get to play this year.”

Often, it surprised me the sorts of words the girls knew. They used all of these big words that I don’t think I began using until I was quite a bit older than they were.

“Isla was going to be the center this year. She and coach had talked at the end of last season about switching her position. She was a wing last year, but she practiced a lot in the spring.”

I was making mental notes about all of the different activities Bree and Isla were a part of, so that I was aware at all times of their regular routines. I was beginning to understand there was a difference between school related events and outside events. Isla played for her school softball team and another one in the spring. Her other team participated in tournaments much like Bree’s football team did. The spring was busy with the two of them traveling constantly.

It baffled me how they balanced everything with their schoolwork. Isla had music lessons after school and every other weekend. I could help carry some of the responsibility in transporting them to where they needed to be, and I couldn’t wait to attend games, recitals, and school functions. I didn’t want to miss a thing.

“How does Isla have time to sleep?” I asked Bree seriously.

She stuffed her fist in her mouth to stifle her giggles. “Daddy,” she groaned and shook her head. “We do have weekends. All of Isla’s school games are on weekdays and sometimes they leave school early just to go. The other games are on Saturday usually and then she has Sunday. She does all of her homework as soon as she can to have time for stuff. The team manager has to go to all of the games, but she does get a little downtime during practice.”

Did they have fun? All I saw was them constantly going from one thing to the next. “Do you have fun?” The words slipped past my lips without me knowing.

“Of course, mommy always says if we don’t have fun then we should stop, but I can’t imagine not playing soccer. Isla likes being busy. She hates having downtime because she doesn’t like being bored.” Her ocean orbs rolled skyward at such an absurd notion. “We go on vacations. She doesn’t have any winter sports, so she’s home all the time. She’s a member of a few clubs and she’s thinking about joining student council.”

At a quarter to five, Bree left with her friend to go to her practice across town. Her backpack was draped over a shoulder as she and her little friend walked towards the parking lot, talking animatedly.

I hadn’t met any of their friends in the past because they were always visiting me, and it wasn’t easy to make friends especially as the children were still in school during part of their visit. As they got older, I think it became harder for them to spend so much time away from their friends during their only time of freedom.

Isla cheered on her teammates and conversed with the coach as she watched the field. Her eyes were intense and focused on the players. She had a good eye.

It was different watching her in this setting. She and Mags played one on one back at Lallybroch, but there was something different about watching her on the sidelines. While she did possess a competitive spirit, she loved noticing the improvement in others. She said it was the best part about being on a team.

Practice ended five minutes early. The coach came over to apologize yet again for her earlier mistake. “Nah,” I waved her off. “I dinna mind in the slightest as ye were just protecting the girls from someone you believed to be a predator. I’m Jamie Fraser, by the way,” I offered up my hand.

We chatted briefly before one of the players took her attention away with a few questions.

Isla soon arrived back on the field after changing back into her school clothes. I’d never seen how either girl dressed for school. Claire occasionally sent a picture from the first and last day, but it wasn’t the same as seeing it all in person. I hadn’t received pictures from today, then again it was different from the norm.

As I observed her choice in clothing, it was hitting me that Isla wasn’t a wee one any longer. She would be twelve in a little over a month, and Claire had told me puberty had begun for our darling girl. Isla was embarrassed by all of it, and preferred no mentions of how her body was changing into that of a woman’s, not that I wanted to address that with her either. She was my little girl, and I wasn’t prepared for her to be a teenager in just over a year.

She wore a gingham button up tank with a black cardigan and black skinny jeans. On her feet were red high top converse. I was suddenly assaulted with visions of a teenaged version of the girl in front of me. Only a few summers ago, she wore Disney princess shirts and pigtails. Where had the time gone?

How long before she found spending time with her dad was embarrassing? Was she already in that state?

Claire didn’t talk much about what the girls were like here in their comfort zones where everything was always familiar and comfortable for them. I didn’t know what sort of music Isla listened to or what television shows captured her interest. There were all these things I never thought about in the past because I only had them for a short time. We barely spent time indoors, preferring to get out and see the world. I didn’t know the last time I sat them down and we talked.

Her backpack was full and she carried a gym bag on her shoulder. She offered a tired smile to me as I wrapped an arm around her and took her sports bag.

“So you showed up at Bree’s school?” I heard the curiosity she tried to bury and the burning jealousy simmering underneath.

I unlocked the car and threw her bag in the trunk along with her stick. “Well I canna miss anymore time with ye. You’re practically a teenager, and I want to go to games and recitals, concerts, whatever because you’re my daughter. I couldna be more proud of ye if I tried. You were right this summer when you said that what I was doing wasn’t good enough to ye. So this is me trying. I’ve gotten a flat, but there’s three bedrooms. I’m expanding here to the U.S. with the brewery.”

She discreetly turned to wipe her eyes and I hid a smile at the reminder of her mother in her. “Thanks dad,” she mumbled softly as more tears fell down her freckled cheeks. “Do you know your way to the house?” Bree had navigated me down too many streets, and I wasn’t sure which ones I needed to return. Isla chuckled and shook her head. “Trust Bree to take the shortcut.”

Isla directed me and shortly later we pulled in front of the house. I didn’t park in the driveway as that was Claire’s spot and I would end up blocked in when she arrived home later that night.

I followed Isla up the driveway to the door. She unzipped her front pocket and drew out her key, which she slid into the lock and turned with a soft click. The alarm sounded, but she was quick to type in the code. Her bag dropped next to her sister’s, and then she went to the hall closet where she dumped her gym bag.

“Uh, you can sit in the family room. I’ve got to drop this off in my room. Bree won’t be home until seven. We can watch a movie or something.” She shrugged nervously and I saw how uncomfortable she was with the turn events. Claire was the same way. She wasn’t good with spontaneity. It threw her off and she was flustered and it sometimes made her babble. 

Everything went a specific way and then when it didn’t, Claire went into a complete frenzy. It’s one of the reasons she had anxiety attacks in the past, or why she continued to talk even when she didn’t need to.

I placed a hand on Isla’s shoulder. Her eyes drifted over to where I gently gripped her. “Sweetheart, I dinna want ye to get worked up. Soon enough, this will all seem normal and there won’t be any of this nervous energy between us. It’s new for the both of us, and I’m going along with it just like ye.”

Her shoulders relaxed under my touch and she took steady, deep breaths to calm herself down. “Can we order pizza?”

I smirked at her attempt to con me. “Yer ma already told me ye have leftovers.”

She rolled her eyes and stomped dramatically up the stairs. “Ugh,” she groaned.

My daughters seemed to be throwing me into the wolves’ den with their surly behavior. Claire had informed me Isla especially wasn’t always sweet and helpful. She had a nasty side when she was angry about something, and made it quite known to anyone in the vicinity of her tantrum. I was beginning to see that Isla really had been wearing a mask.

Part of me enjoyed knowing she was comfortable enough to show her true colors, and that she wasn’t worried about me disappearing from her life. Hadn’t she admitted they were afraid if they weren’t well-behaved they wouldn’t get the opportunity to visit me?

I walked into the living room and smiled at the window seat. I saw Bree laying there on rainy days, staring miserably at her wet surroundings. I pictured Claire on a cold, nippy winter day curling up with a fire raging and a book in her lap, a satisfied smile adorning her face. Finally, I imagined Isla doing her homework, erasing answers in her frustration or listening to music and tapping her fingers to notes unheard by everyone else.

I saw hours spent watching movies and eating popcorn, despite Claire protesting the unsaturated fat in movie theater butter popcorn. Although, she hate half the bowl herself, but typically denied she’d eaten a single handful. I always smiled and popped another bag and brought her a glass of water.

There was a bookshelf along the wall with medical, children, and young adult titles. There were a few pictures carefully placed on the shelves to as a way to showcase the family.

In one of the photos, Bree and Isla were a few years younger and dressed for Samhain or I supposed Halloween was the best description for what happened here. Bree was dressed as some sort of princess and Isla was too.

“Oh that’s the year we were Anna and Elsa. They’re Disney royalty. Anna is the little sister and Elsa is the older one.” I jumped, startled by her sudden presence. I hadn’t heard her return.

“Ye scared me,” she grinned as I returned my attention to the photo.

I was amazed how the blonde wig complimented her pale skin. “Bree didn’t have to do anything because Anna has reddish hair. We braided her hair, but we did have to find a white blonde wig for me. This was Halloween almost four years ago. I was eight and Bree was five.” She sounded wistful, not a word normally associated with someone as young as her. 

“We were really into Frozen, nearly drove mom nuts with how many times we played the soundtrack or the movie.” Her eyes held a far away look. “We sometimes still watch it on lazy Sundays and if mom is off, we do it to annoy her.” She smirked at me. “She still hates the main song.”

My eyes drifted towards another framed photo placed higher on the shelf. “That was Bree’s first snowboarding lesson. She face planted so many times. Mom was sure by the end of the day, she’d want to quit, instead Bree proclaimed it to be the best thing ever.” Isla shook her head in amusement at her sister’s antics. There was a fondness in her expression. “At the end of the day, she was smiling so hard and didn’t want to part with the snowboard. She was an icicle and drank two cups of hot chocolate.”

Bree wore bright pink snow pants with a white puffy jacket. She had a pink hat with a puff ball and snow goggles. Her hair clashed horribly with the brightness of the pink, but I felt the happiness radiating off of her. I’d say the picture wasn’t long after the Samhain one. I recalled our conversation over the summer in the pub when she informed me happily about finally having the opportunity to own a snowboard this upcoming winter season.

My eyes landed on a third frame. “That’s from when we went to Cape Cod before going to the Vineyard. We loved seeing the lighthouses. The active ones are so cool. We wanted a picture because it was so pretty.” She gushed, her finger stroking the still images. “I think this was two summers ago. We had never taken the time to visit the coastal areas.”

The last photo drew my attention finally. “That’s from my first piano competition when I was seven. My instructor realized how at ease I was and how my fingers seemed to flow smoothly on the keys. I remembered my music and knew where all the notes were without having to check. He decided to talk to mom about entering me into a competition. We traveled to New York City. I actually placed third. Winners get to perform at this prestigious music hall. It was a really big thing.” Her voice tapered off, and I was reminded of what she told me. Had I been too busy to notice? I had this smart, funny, talented daughter and I missed out because starting my business was more important.

In the photo, Isla wore a royal blue dress embroidered with flowers and a bow on the waist. She had on black tights and black dress shoes. Her hair was in a fancy braid with a matching ribbon. She was all smiles in the empty musical hall. She looked happy. There was something sad about her too.

“I play more for fun now with everything else I have, but I do keep up with my lessons. Back then, I only had T-ball, which was in the spring. It left a lot of free time for me.” She shrugged helplessly. “Bree does soccer year round, but my sports are seasonal and rely on good weather.”

I noticed she changed her clothes when she was in her room. Instead of her school clothes, she wore leggings and a school hoodie. “Mom loves pictures and has so many around the house. It’s so embarrassing.” She groaned as she moved into the kitchen and began digging food out of the fridge. “I mean who wants to see geeky photos of themselves everywhere?”

I wasn’t all that hungry after lunch with Claire. I figured I’d eat when Bree arrived home.

Isla made herself a plate and warmed it up as she cleaned her mess in the kitchen. “Mom’s a neat freak and gets so uptight when we forget to clean. You leave out a few dishes once or twice, and suddenly mom is on your case. We only had to call the exterminator once. Also happens to be the reason we aren’t allowed to have food in our rooms.” She grimaced.

She had a piece of chicken and a hot dog. Then she scooped some potato salad and fruit onto her plate before coming to sit at the table. “What do you think of our house? I know you’ve never really seen it.”

“I like it. Yer mam has made a home for herself and you and yer sister, and it seems to be filled with a lot of love and happiness.”

She nodded as she stuffed her face. “We change things every once in a while. We replaced our old couches last year with the white ones and then got all those throw blankets. We have a little basket and wash them weekly.” Everything ran like clockwork in the house, and I was impressed with Claire for having them trained so well. “Not to say it’s always clean around here. Now that nana has moved out, it’s going to be interesting. She cleans after everyone even mom.” She added.

“How was yer first day back?” I found an opening for the topic I was most interested in regarding her. She hadn’t contacted me yesterday on her official first day.

She lifted her cup to her lips to take a drink of water. Her forked pushed some food around her plate as she thought about her answer. She was more contemplative than her sister, whereas Bree told every single detail about her day, her sister was less than forthcoming with the particulars.

“It was good.” She finally said, before staking a slice of potato. “We didn’t really do much except go over the syllabi. Typical first day stuff. There was the assembly. Today we did some review in a few classes, and gym sucks since I can’t fully participate until I get a note from my doctor.”

I was beginning to believe it was the age she was. In a month’s time she would be twelve years old and wouldn’t feel inclined to indulge me with every detail about her life.

I observed her as she ate her food. Her cheeks had filled out from the last time I’d seen her as she put weight back on. She didn’t like the hospital food much. The bruises that marred her skin were completely gone. While her bones would always show the truth of her injuries and she’d have a scar from the ordeal the rest of her life, she was healing.

“Tomorrow I’ll probably come home with piles of homework. I’ve got to get a head start because the first game is next week. I’ve also got to decide which position I want to run for on student council. I’ll probably go with treasurer. Last year’s treasurer misplaced all the money for the sixth grade retreat.”

Isla was as Bree said. She maintained a busy lifestyle for someone so young. Bree and Isla were constantly on the move like their mother and couldn’t hold still for a single moment. “Do ye need to get ahead?”

Her eyebrows climbed up her forehead. “Of course dad, if I want to maintain my four point GPA. It helps to have your work completed because you never know what can happen. Besides homework is fun.”

If I didn’t know better I would think my daughter was switched at birth, but then I thought about Claire who encouraged me to spend time invested in my home and school work. Her books were always open and if I couldn’t distract her with my lips, she made us do our homework.

Isla stared at me from across the table with a curious expression upon her not so small face. I saw how her face had aged from the small round head that barely fit into the palm of my hand. I saw her chest struggling to breathe. I remembered the tape on her eyes that prevented us from seeing what was underneath those translucent lids. There wasn’t a hint at the time what color her hair was because there wasn’t any, and her eyebrows were nonexistent at the time. She was a painting waiting for the artist.

She tilted her head in question and I realized I was staring at her as well. “Sometimes I remember how tiny you were and how your mother and I spent hours at your side wondering if you would live just one more night. We hoped and prayed, and then we finally decided that if we wanted you to stay with us, we needed to give you a name. Your mother also didn’t want you to die without having one either.” Her lashes lowered and nearly rested on her cheeks. They were so dark. “I remember when I first saw you in your mother’s arms. She cried so much because we thought the day would never arrive. She nursed you for the first time that day.”

_November 2006_

_Isla spent the first five weeks of her life in an incubator, struggling for breath, attached to a ventilator. She was given artificial substances to assist with keeping her lungs expanded. They weren’t fully developed because she was born six weeks too early. She had issues with jaundice. The sickly yellow of her skin horrified me at first because it was such an unnatural color. She was undressed and placed under specific lights with her eyes covered. The neonatologist wasn’t worried in the slightest. He had patients in the past who were born much earlier than our daughter, and didn’t find any reason for concern._

_Claire expressed her milk and the hospital stored it with labels. Isla was gaining weight and slowly but surely her breathing was improving. We were lucky. Still it was unnerving to watch her._

_As Isla wasn’t born too early, her lungs weren’t as undeveloped as some preemies who required long term oxygen treatment. The doctors happily informed us of her progress and how she was maintaining her weight at five lbs._

_They’d taken her off the ventilator earlier that morning and she seemed to be holding her own. They had begun weaning her off the oxygen to determine the strength of her lungs._

_Her face was fuller, not much, but it was a better sight than the tiny baby we saw when she was first born._

_“Alright, which one of you would like to hold her first?” While my arms ached to hold my baby girl, I’d seen the distress Claire experienced over the last few weeks. She carried such a deep guilt over not being able to carry our daughter to term._

_She blamed herself for all the pain our daughter suffered since she was born. It was unhealthy how many hours Claire spent at the hospital. I tried multiple times to coerce into sleeping at home in her own bed, but she wasn’t easily dissuaded. She was adamant she was to stay for however long our daughter’s stay was. She contact her instructors early on, and she went on medical leave from the school._

_I nodded at Claire with her hopeful, watery eyes. “Why don’t you sit Mrs. Fraser?” The neo-natal nurse suggested, noticing the nervous energy surrounding Claire._

_Ever since she heard the possibility of finally holding our daughter, not just touching her, there was a glow about her._

_Claire licked her lips and did as the nurse suggested. She sat and I saw her mentally preparing herself for this momentous occasion. The nurse opened the incubator to reveal a tiny infant with pink flushed skin. It was a stark contrast to the baby with the yellow skin. She lifted her gently into her arms, and then set her into Claire’s shaking ones._

_Instantly before my eyes, my wife transformed into a full fledged mother. It wasn’t a title for her anymore but a reality. There was a human being depending on her/us for everything. We were responsible for how she turned out as a person, her education, and everything else until we were both long and gone. She may not agree with that position one day, but I don’t think either of us cared._

_The role of parent wasn’t something we imagined so soon, but with her here, it was hard to picture a life where she didn’t exist. She was everything we didn’t know we wanted or needed. We’d always had more hypothetical conversations about children and it was more of a concept than anything concrete._

_Claire brushed her fingers against Isla’s tiny cheek, and Isla turned her head into the warm touch of her mother. She already knew how to seek the comfort her mother would readily offer at any moment._

_I pulled out my phone and snapped the moment. Claire didn’t noticed with her attention so focused on our daughter, but the nurse winked at me._

_“Do you want to breastfeed Mrs. Fraser? Isla hasn’t fed in two hours.” Claire’s startled orbs sought mine and I nodded at her. They both needed the time to bond and breastfeeding was one of the easiest ways for mother and child to form an everlasting connection._

_The nurse instructed Claire on what to do and how to help Isla to latch on. It was a natural instinct for babies to root and latch. All they required was a bit of an assistance and then they knew how to suckle all on their own._

_Tears dripped down my nose as I stared at my two girls. It wasn’t just the two of us anymore, but the three of us. We were a family._

_Claire kissed her little, bald head. We were assured the hair would come in and some babies stayed bald for a longtime. There was no reason to worry as it was likely she probably would’ve been born without hair if she hadn’t come early._

_“I love you so much, more than I thought I could,” she whispered to the nursing baby._

_Isla was content to stay in her mother’s arms as she fed. It was too beautiful for my eyes. I wanted to keep this moment close to me forever because we were parents. We created the miracle baby with our love. I knew Claire would agree if I said she was the best work we’d ever done in our life and would forever remain our greatest accomplishment._

_I had to amend the statement two years later when her little sister decided to join us and make our family complete._

Isla smiled shyly as she fought to control her emotions. “Sorry,” she apologized as a few tears sprinkled her cheeks. Our family always seemed to be crying for one reason or another. “Mom doesn’t really talk about that time at all. I guess it makes her sad. Could I-“ her voice died off and she broke eye contact.

“Could you what?”

“See the picture sometime?” She bit her lip with an anxious gleam in her eyes.

I pulled out my phone and unlocked it. I opened my photo albums and began searching for the picture. I slid it across the table for Isla to take a look. She tried to appear as if she wasn’t all that curious, but she grabbed the phone and stared mesmerized at the sight of her and her mother.

Claire’s hair was thrown up into a messy bun. She wore a Harvard hoodie and jeans. Her face was scrubbed clean, although she didn’t really wear make-up in those days.

Isla was all limbs. She was a wee bairn with a sweet face. “I was so tiny,” she murmured, eyes still glued to the screen. “Are you sure that’s me?”

I chuckled at her. “Of course, I think I would know my own daughter. You came six weeks too early and spent five weeks in the hospital. I can’t even begin to explain how it felt to take you home. I was nervous to have you in the car, and nearly drove your mother mad with how slow I drove. She wanted to be at the apartment already to get you settled, but I was worried because we had precious cargo.”

Her cheeks flushed with mortification. “Dad,” she warned playfully. “Let me clean up my plate, and then I’ll give you the official house tour. Mom always forgets when people haven’t been to the house before and never shows them around.”

She rinsed her plate and placed it in the dishwasher. She then set her water glass on the counter. “I use it when I go to bed so I don’t use a bunch in a day. Mom has a rule. If we are only drinking water, we use one glass a day. She hates when all of the cups are gone and she finds them around the house filled with water.”

I followed her into the family room. “This is the family room, but you’ve already seen it. We have our bookcase with most of our books. Those are the ones we share as a family. Bree stores hers under her bed and mom has an office. I keep mine in my closet.” She led me into another room. “This is the formal dining room. We mostly eat in here on special occasions like birthdays, thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. You get the idea. It leads out to our terrace.” She opened the glass paned door, which opened up to their terrace and their back garden. There were a few trees and I saw Claire’s flower garden nestled in between two trees. On the other side was a little house.

“Mom plants her flowers and some herbs every spring. That’s our old clubhouse. We don’t use it anymore.” We went back into the house. She led me through another doorway. “This is the formal living room. We host guests in here. Although I guess we should’ve thought about the white furniture.” She shrugged her shoulders. “Sometimes we use it for family pictures like Christmas cards.”

There was a giant fireplace occupying an entire wall. It was between the two doorways. On the other wall, there was a giant entryway from the foyer. They had two white armchairs and a white loveseat with a light blue rug. In the center was a small coffee table with a small potted plant. The walls were decorated with art, which was something I’d always known Claire appreciated. She thought paintings created a nice aesthetic. The armchairs had little blue pillows. All of the furniture in the room was fancy and displayed Claire’s expensive taste.

I was surprised not to find a single stain. “Mom doesn’t allow food or drinks in here.” Isla explained to me.

Their family room had been a little less formal with a long, white sectional and lots of pillows. There was a decent sized television mounted above the fireplace. It was an airy house with lots of light flowing through the place.

She led me out of the formal living room and down the hall to a lone door. “Down there is the basement, we mostly just use it for storage. The laundry is also down there and so is our big freezer.”

Then she went up the stairs and I followed her. “I’m sure Bree probably showed you her room.” I nodded my head affirmatively. “This is her bathroom.” She opened the door to reveal a pristine bathroom. It was neat and orderly, and way cleaner than their shared bathroom at my house. I suspected it was Claire’s doing.

The walls were Tiffany blue with some sort of swirl texture that was glittery and popped out of the wall . She had a marble sink with a hair accessories organizer thing. I saw all of her hair ties, ribbons, clips, and hair bands. She had a lot. Her name was stenciled onto the white wood container. In the corner was a woven owl hamper with wings and eyes. Her shower curtain was mostly the color of a pool with a shock of royal navy at the bottom. She had a matching bath mat. It was a different color scheme than the one she had in her room.

She had white wooded shelves with several polka dotted towels in multiple colors. I also noticed a waterproof speaker in the shower. “Bree listens to a lot of loud music when she showers. She sings a lot too. But she has terrible taste.”

When we exited the bathroom, she took me further down the hall which I had yet to explore. She opened a different door to reveal an office area. “The sofa is a pull out. Mom does some work in here on days where she works from home, which is usually when we are sick.”

There was a little white sofa with black decorative pillows. She had more framed photos of the girls, and a bookshelves built into the wall with dozens more titles. A computer desk sat on one wall with a Mac desktop. A kindergarten school photo of each girl sat on both sides. She had an organizer for her pens, pencils, and highlighters. There was also a brand new pad of sticky notes. Claire had a fondness for leaving reminders for herself everywhere. Next to the keyboard was a leather journal. I had given her a set of journals for her twenty-fifth birthday because I knew how much she enjoyed having somewhere to express her feelings. I was glad to see her still using them.

Isla closed the door. “So this is my room.” She led me into the large space.

There was a skylight which added to the overall brightness of the room, although the sunlight was slowly fading. She had another window, which she decorated with a navy colored valance.

In the center of her room was a queen sized, iron framed open canopy bed. Curved and angled arches met in the center to form the canopy. Hanging from the center was a sheer golden colored canopy that twisted along the curves and down the poles of the bed. Her bedspread was white with a ruffled sort of look. She had a white fringe bed skirt. Gold stars hung along her walls, providing a wonderful effect against the white of her walls. She had a string of lights, but unlike her sister, there weren’t any photos clipped. Her lights were wrapped around the poles of her bed, although they were currently turned off.

She had a basic, white fuzzy rug. Seeing their actual bedrooms, solidified the differences between my daughters. While the pink in Bree’s room was muted, it was still a bit more on the girly side. Isla preferred something less showy.

On the wall, were little musical note decals that traveled along the length of her room and stopped above her desk. Her desk was organized. She had her music organized into binders in a magazine caddy. She had two different pencil cups. One was filled with pens and mechanical pencils, and the other with her color pencils and a pair of scissors. Next to the desk was a pin board divided into thirds with white boards. One whiteboard was a calendar with Isla’s schedule written out for the next month. She had practice three days a week with a game every Thursday. On Saturdays, she had music lessons from nine until one.

Sundays were the only days she had marked as free. There was the occasional Friday, she left blank.

Her To Do List was marked with reminders for the day. Her pin board held cards and pictures of her with her friends and family. She had so many, and I realized she never talked about them. The same few girls appeared in multiple photos.

In one of the photos, she was positioned between two girls who looked a bit older than her. “Those are my big sisters, not like my real ones since I only have Bree, but they’re my school ones. The one on the right with the brown hair is Ellie. She’s in tenth grade this year. She was my first big sister. The blonde is Sarah. This was taken at my birthday party last year.”

Isla wore a green sweater and jeans with a gigantic smile on her face. Her hair was in a side braid. The two older girls had their arms wrapped tightly around her. “They’re really cool. The school assigns eighth graders to the girls in the lower grades to help with the transition. We all ended up on the blue team. We have a school wide competition between the silver and blue teams. The teams earn points during the school year and the one with the most wins the Blue-Silver trophy.” She pointed to a picture of her from what was clearly last year. Her team had won the trophy. “This is my last year to be assigned a big sister as next year I get to be one.”

Her walls also had little star hook mirrors which she draped necklaces and scarves around. “I don’t actually use those mirrors. I have one on my bathroom door. I chose them because they looked cool.”

She had photo box frames that comprised of a photo of her and her sister. They were standing outside St. Peter’s together on what was clearly Bree’s first day of school. In the next photo, she was surrounded by a bunch of other girls and their hockey sticks. They were in full uniform and smirked at the camera as if they were too cool to actually smile. In another photo, Bree and Isla were at a park. One laid on one bench and the other on the bench next to it. They made goofy faces for the camera.

It was strange to note how different their lives were. Their wholes lives were wrapped up in this one city, and I felt guilty for missing so much of it. I shook my head to clear it of my regrets. They had no place in this new life I was building. It was time to let them go and focus on the future where I would spend time with my children. I would familiarize myself with their schedules, assist with homework, and support them. 

“Dad,” Isla waved her hand in front of my face. I blinked hard, slightly disoriented. “Earth to dad, are you okay?” Her face was the picture of concern. “Do you need water?”

“I’m fine. I just got a bit in my head.” She smiled unsure of my honesty. “Show me yer bathroom.”

Her bathroom was attached to her room, but had a second door that led to the hallway. “Well this is my bathroom.” It was a ruffled white shower curtain and I was starting to understand how much she adored the shade of white.

On her counter, she had a hair straightener, a curling wand, and a blow dryer. “Sorry, I forgot to move these when I cleaned my bathroom.” She opened the cabinet doors underneath her sink to reveal organized white baskets. Inside, she had all of her hair accessories. They were in labeled pouches. She wrapped up the cords and put them in the styling tools basket.

She had a white rug adorning the floor. There were tiny rhinestones embedded into the walls of her shower. She also had a Bluetooth speaker in her bathroom. She had a stack of cotton bath towels in bright colors. “I would show you mom’s room, but I’m not allowed in there without permission. But there’s the playroom. The office used to be Nana’s room. but we had started clearing it out before she even moved out. She has a little house she moved into, but waited until school was over to officially moved.”

At least they respected their mother’s privacy when she wasn’t around. I snooped in my parents’ room all the time when I was younger. I called it an adventure.

The playroom was an assortment of dollhouses, a stack of board games, a table for tea parties with a display of fake pastries, two toy boxes, a large television with a game system and Blu-ray player. “The closet has some of our old costumes and other stuff we’ve stored there. Neither of us play much with the stuff in here, so mom has talked about putting in a couch or something. Right now we just have the bean bags.” She pointed over towards the corner where blue and pink bean bags were stacked. “Well that’s it. We’ve got a crawl space, but aside from the upstairs Christmas decorations and our suitcases, there’s nothing in it.”

Isla led me out into the hallway and we traveled downstairs into the family room. She turned on the television. “I have to wait a few minutes if we want to watch Netflix or Hulu. The TV has to connect to the Wi-Fi first.” It was already seven.

Bree would be home soon enough and I would have alone time with the girls for the first time since Isla’s accident.

Isla switched from cable to Netflix. Her watch list was full of teen shows. It came with the age to no longer want to watch shows directed at children. She picked some show called Arrow.

“I’m only on season three,” she told me as she continued from where she left off.

Ten minutes into the show and I was fascinated. I was a bit confused as to the events prior, and Isla tried explaining but was too distracted by what was happening onscreen.

Around half past seven, a key was heard in the door. The distinct sound of a bag dropping alerted me to the presence of my youngest daughter. Bree traipsed into the room and flopped down onto the couch. “Move over,” she shoved Isla’s legs out of the way.

Isla aimed a kick at her sister and soon it was resolved before I had to step in. “How was practice?”

“It was okay. We had three kids not show up, which was annoying. They didn’t text coach or anything so next practice we all have to run laps.” Bree sounded weary and upset. “It isn’t even fair. Coach wants to teach the team a lesson about commitment and responsibility.”

“Aw I’m sorry little sis. Well how was your first day of school? Did you think Mrs. Nicholson was awesome?”

The show was on pause as the girls caught up with each other about their days. “I’m going to go eat dinner.”

“Oh I think dad said something about eating with you.”

Bree did a double take as if only just now identifying my presence. “Oh my god, daddy I forgot you said you would be here.”

 _Clearly,_ I thought dryly. “Yes, yer sister and I have spent some quality time together. She gave me the full tour of the house.”

“Well come on, I’m starving.” She dragged me into the kitchen where she began to pull out the leftovers. “There’s one steak left from two nights ago. Mommy didn’t want it. She doesn’t eat steak that often.”

As we ate together, she told me about practice and the drills they ran. “Lucy caught all of the balls when we tried to make a goal. She’s the best goalie we’ve ever had.” She boasted proudly. “We joined at the same time, but she was originally defense before we switched positions. She plays goalie at all of our games.”

Bree prepared herself a cheeseburger, grabbing a slice of American to put over her burger before she reheated it. She then proceeded to pull out slices of tomato, lettuce, ketchup and mayo. She grabbed the plate with the steak and offered it to me. I took it from her.

She moved around the kitchen with ease. “Mommy doesn’t let me use knives yet.” She told me as she spooned fruit onto her place. “She pre-cuts everything. She says I can use them when I’m more attentive.” Her eyes rolled. “Isla was allowed to use a knife at ten,” she grumbled unhappily.

Her attention diverted to the beeping of the microwave and then she was dressing her burger. I watched the whole thing with a sense of pride for my offspring. Claire raised them well. They both seemed to have a healthy sense of fear of their mother, and didn’t disobey directives. They cleaned after themselves. They knew how to operate within a kitchen. They knew their routines without constant reminders, and I wondered how long it really took Claire to drill all of this into their heads. Isla and Bree were willful.

Bree grabbed an open bag of Lays off the counter. She held her fingers up to her lips. I decided to allow her the one treat after all it was her first day and she had a surprise practice.

I reheated my steak. “There’s steak sauce on the side of the fridge,” Isla mentioned as she entered the kitchen.

She went straight for the freezer, grabbing a carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream. She opened a cabinet and pulled down a bowl. She searched in a drawer for the ice cream scooper and then grabbed a spoon. She scooped her ice cream, then grabbed some chocolate sauce from the fridge. She rinsed the scooper, but left it in the sink.

The three of us ate at the table and it was the most normal thing. I hadn’t expected that feeling to overcome me. This was what I wanted, to spend school nights with my daughters and talk. “So dad, what are you going to do while you start your business? Doesn’t it take forever to do?” Isla spooned some ice cream and took a big bite.

Bree’s attention was on me. Her eyes stared unblinkingly at me. She was waiting for my answer.

“Ye’re right it does. I have someone interested in being my partner and then we’ve got a few investors lined up. We’ll be scouting locations. Once a month I’ll fly black to check on things, but for the most part the place runs itself. My place is here with you.”

Isla frowned at me. “What about mom? Are you here for her too? It would be kind of messed up to ruin her engagement. Is it appropriate for you to be messing with her feelings?”

I sat back and scrutinized her. Isla had a fierce protective glint in her dark eyes. Her protectiveness was for her mother who she didn’t want hurt if I revealed myself early on as a potential suitor. I could understand her hesitation after everything she had gone through between her mother and I .

Her mother was the most important figure in her life, and she didn’t want her emotionally destroyed by heartbreak.

“I thought ye didn’t like Peter.”

Her arms folded across her chest as her look hardened as she bit her lip. A few seconds later it softened and she dropped her arms. “I like Peter. He’s cool and like I told you it was wrong of me not to think about him. He’s been great to mom and us.” I heard the sincerity in her voice. Peter was a prominent figure in their lives and had been for several years now. “I- well it’s not… he’s good. He takes me hiking and recently to PT. I guess I don’t want you messing around with a good thing when you’re not sure what it is you want.”

She was a smart girl. Wise, probably too wise for her age, but that was the thing about Isla. She’d been a precocious tot from the moment she discovered the world. By two, she’d caught up with all of her milestones, and one would never know the toddler running around, observing the world was a premature baby. Isla preferred to observe and her eyes held a wisdom.

“I don’t want to beat around the bush. Are you here to win mom back because if that’s the case I think that would be a horrible idea.” I blanched. “Yeah… yeah I know, shocking. But if mom’s relationship fails, it shouldn’t be because you tried to steal her away. She’s got to decide herself.” Her eyes cut to Bree before returning to me.

Bree matched her sister’s look and crossed her arms.

I cleared my throat uncomfortably, taken aback by the turn of events. The entire day they’d displayed nothing but enthusiasm over my sudden appearance, and while that may have been their initial feelings on the matter, they also had other thoughts about why I was in Boston.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “I am not here to do anything to jeopardize her relationship. I support her in what she chooses to do with her life.” Even if it hurt like hell to watch. “I want to be involved in your lives. You’re growing up and living in Scotland has prevented me from seeing much of that. Every day you change and I don’t to miss anymore. I want to go to yer games, or help make posters for student council. If anything, I want to rekindle my friendship with yer mam. We were friends before anything else, and I’ve missed that.

“When we made the decision to get divorced, we thought more about ourselves than the two of you. I was angry at her.” Their faces scrunched up adorably as they tried to understand my explanation. “Sometimes people can be selfish. It’s sort of like when you do a math problem.” Their eyebrows rose up in confusion. “All of the numbers are important together, but if you only focus on one number, you can’t figure out the problem. Yer mam and I only focused on one part instead of the whole thing.”

Bree was the first to ask the follow up question, I expected. “What were the other parts?”

“Ye ken ye had a brother?” They nodded their heads. “Well yer ma and I were having difficulties. I worked a lot. Yer ma had the two of you and school, and we weren’t handling it well at all. We shirked on our responsibilities.”

“What does shirk mean?”

I traced patterns on the table. “It means avoiding or neglectnig something. I was supposed to be home for dinner and our nighttime routine. I worked on weekends instead of being home. Then when yer mother got pregnant with your brother, I was mad at her.”

“Why? Our priest says babies are a blessing.” Isla was suspicious of me and regarded me with a healthy dose of skepticism.

“Bree was barely two months old, and we were going to have another child. We lived in a small apartment, only two bedrooms and one bathroom. My job expected a lot from me. Yer ma and I were drifting apart, and there were other issues; which is all you need to know. Everything was complicated.”

Bree bobbed her head as Isla pursed her lips with judgment in her eyes. “What about Ally?”

I coughed loudly aware their full attention was on me. They wanted to know my intentions in the long run. In their eyes, I wasn’t someone who stuck around. I was their dad when they visited for two months or when mommy was being unfair 3000 miles away.

“Well I,” I shifted in my seat, not sure what the right answer was to the question. “She and I decided to end our relationship permanently this time. She was ready to move forward, but we knew that with the distance it would be too complicated. It was a mutual agreement to break things off.”

Isla sensed there was something else at play. She didn’t come outright and say it, but I saw it in her eyes, the accusation.

“You’re on probation,” Isla declared and Bree supported her sister’s decision. “We will be watching you dad. If mom cries once because of you...” she let the threat hang in the air as she began to clean her and her sister’s mess. Bree was appreciative of the offer and wiped down the table when I got up to clean my own dish. Bree then swept the floor as Isla took out the trash. They were a good team, and I was glad they had each other. Everyone needed a sister. It was almost hard to picture one without the other at this point.

Bree missed her sister more than she would admit over the summer. When Isla returned from the outside, the two of them trekked upstairs to get ready for bed as it was school night.

I missed when they were young and required assistance for every little task. I supervised brushing teeth, I read stories and tucked them in, and I gave goodnight kisses before checking the room for monsters. There weren’t any monsters anymore, at least not the fictional kind.

They returned downstairs around eight thirty in their pajamas. Bree’s hair was undone and wet. Isla placed her wet hair in some sort of knot on her head and took her position back on the couch.

“Let’s watch a movie. I don’t like Arrow. Marvel is better.” Bree snatched the remote from her sister and selected the last Thor movie. Isla didn’t object although there was a scowl firmly in place on her face and her tongue poked out of her mouth. It was a blink and you’ll miss it moment.

At some point, I drifted from the excitement of the day and the traveling from the night before. My body was physically exhausted. A warm hand pressed against my cheek. My eyes fluttered open to the sight of a worn out Claire. “Claire,” I murmured softly.

Her lips tipped into a tender smile reserved only for me. She held a finger up to her lips and gestured to the girls who were curled up on the couch. A blanket was draped over both sleeping forms.

“I guess they were tired,” she whispered, her eyes lingering on them fondly. “Did they eat dinner?” I nodded. “Is the kitchen clean?” Another nod. “Oh good, sometimes they forget to put back food or clean up, and then we have ants in the kitchen.”

 _Ah_ , it all made sense why the girls were worried about the state of the kitchen. Isla made mention of an exterminator. I was aware of my ex’s status as a clean freak. She couldn’t stand for any sort of disorganization. When the girls were young and played in the dirt, she immediately bathed them upon returning home. Their cheeks were pink from the efforts of Claire’s scrubbing.

**CPOV**

I was tired as I finished the end of my shift. My feet ached and I was a bit fatigued. I wanted to crawl into my bed and never wake up. However, I knew the next morning as soon as my alarm went off that particular dream would die.

I didn’t hate work. It was just exhausting. I also had less patience than usual with my residents, which didn’t help matters. They were more terrified of me than usual. I was a bit irritable and less forgiving of their mistakes than normal.

Joe sent some strange looks in my direction whenever I chewed out one of the residents. “Are you okay LJ?” His face wrinkled with concern for me.

I waved off his worried. “I’m fine.” I went back to reviewing charts for surgery the following day. “Just a lot to think about.”

I could tell he wasn’t satisfied with my response, but I had a lot on my mind with the sudden resurgence of Jamie in my life. I hadn’t shared the news with Peter, but what was I supposed to say. ‘Oh hey, remember my ex husband who I was in love with for years and who kissed me a few weeks ago, yeah he’s back.’ That was sure to go over very well, not. It was complicated as Jamie had revealed to me the depth of his feelings, and if I was different sort of woman, I would have taken him up on his offer. However, I wasn’t.

I refused to allow myself to go back to that place again. Friends, I could. It wouldn’t be easy in the beginning as we tried to navigate our way around our failed marriage, but it wasn’t about us. We had two daughters who counted on us. I had to make an effort for them, while maintaining a firm boundary. The lines had blurred too much in Scotland, and that couldn’t happen again.

Joe’s lips thinned considerably, but he didn’t contest my words. He suspected I was hiding something from him and in truth I was. I hadn’t told him about what happened between Jamie and I nor that he had returned to Boston. I figured he would find out at some point.

I stretched my arms over my head to help lower the tension in my lumbar region. Spending time on the ground at the cemetery had been terrible for my back, especially after my accident last year.

Joe remained silent, but he kept glancing at me from the corner of his when he thought I wasn’t paying attention. I was annoyed with him for not believing me even if I was lying. Regardless, he should know I would tell him the truth when I was ready.

Before I had the opportunity to address his staring issue, I quickly got up and rushed for the restroom, knocking the chair over in my rush.

The anxiety was getting to me. There were too many things toiling around and causing me to stress. There weren’t any books about this particular situation, and I really didn’t want to go to my therapist with this. She would give me that look and I would tell her far too much about my thoughts and feelings, which were confusing me.

There was a knock on the door, and I sighed irritably. I pulled open the door angrily and stopped short at Joe with raised brows. His eyes were narrowed, but I saw the emotion in his dark eyes. He was extremely worried about me. I’d been acting strange, and he probably heard me retching.

I walked with him back to the break room. “Okay Joe, why don’t you ask?”

“Are you sick?”

I was taken aback by the bluntness. My face must’ve registered my shock because he shifted under my gaze. “No, it’s my anxiety.”

He was stumped. “You haven’t had a reaction like that since we were residents. What’s going on? You’ve been acting weird for weeks and I can’t figure out the cause.”

I sighed. “So my trip to Scotland wasn’t as straightforward as I made it out to be.” His interest was piqued. “I didn’t cross any lines, at least not the kind you’re thinking. Being around Jamie after six years of minimal contact was confusing as hell. He brings me back to those days when things were good and simple between us, which is insane since I mean we’ve always had a checkered relationship. You know he’s never liked I had money and then there’s the whole school thing, and yeah but then we talked and sorted some things out. We even discussed Gabriel.”

Joe blinked at me slowly as he processed my words. They just came out. I couldn’t help myself. “Why do I have the feeling that we haven’t reached the bottom of the barrel?”

“Because we haven’t.” I led him back into my office. “I think we… no I know we crossed some boundaries in those two weeks. Seeing him again was refreshing, and I should not say that because I’m with Peter. Anyway we kissed maybe once or twice, possible three times. I don’t know.”

“You kissed?”

“Yes.”

“I see.”

“Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“With that Joe look of yours that conveys how disappointed you are. I didn’t mean for it to happen. He was there and he was looking very hot- I mean not hot because god that would be terrible. I don’t think that about him at all. It was the emotionalhigh. We were worried for Isla and bringing up the past, and it got away from us is all.”

“I’m still getting the feeling that’s not the end.”

I groaned and buried my face in my arms. “You would be right. We had dinner. Jamie and I kissed. He told me he loved me in no uncertain terms. I turned him down.”

He was silent. I peeked out my head to find him staring at me with a strange gleam in his eye. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why did you reject him? I mean you were clear enough in the head to have dinner with him. What stopped you?”

I was appalled. “Excuse you! I could never cheat on Peter. Granted what occurred was the definition of emotional cheating, but he knows about that. I wouldn’t do that to him and I can’t go back there with Jamie. My head is all wonky whenever in close proximity, which isn’t good. I need to think clearly. Did I want to? Maybe a little, but the truth is that what Jamie and I had is in the past.” He didn’t believe me. The skepticism was all over his face. “Why don’t you believe me?”

“I’ve been your friend for over a decade Claire.”

“So?”

“I think it’s interesting that you pushed him away when he gave you signs that you’ve been wanting from him for years.”

“That was before Peter. Jamie had literal years to give me a clue that things weren’t as dead after the Paris fiasco.” I shuddered thinking about that time. While it had been a good idea in theory, the execution destroyed something fundamental between us. We weren’t prepared to answer questions of what came next. Neither of us had dealt properly with our issues and it only compounded the situation further. Jamie never quite forgave me for brushing him off that morning, but I couldn’t in good conscience let anything happen between us. It wouldn’t be the right choice. We were thinking with the wrong parts of our body.

He pursed his lips. “So you’re committed to Peter?” I nodded. “And he knows everything?” i nodded again. He hummed thoughtfully. “So then why are you all anxious? This was six weeks ago, so why is it bothering you now?”

There was the one detail I neglected to tell him. “Jamie has come to Boston?”

“Like for a visit?”

I shook my head. “No, he’s decided to move here. Apparently he’s been planning it for months. I can’t help but think that what happened this summer propelled him though. I mean isn’t it convenient that after six weeks, he pops up here ready for a fresh start.”

“You do have two children.” He pointed out unhelpfully.

“That’s never seemed to matter before,” he made a face at me.

“Now you’re being unfair and spiteful, which means this has you rattled. You know that Jamie needed to leave for both of your sakes.” I hated that he was right. “I’m sure his moving here has nothing to do with you. Isla’s accident probably reminded him that anything can happen and he doesn’t want to miss a moment.”

“Yes, I suppose you’re right.” Although, I still believed there was more to it than that. I wouldn’t voice it.

“When did he show up?”

“This morning at Bree’s school, one minute we were holding hands about to walk in, the next she’s running towards him. We spent part of the morning together and had lunch. I told him about the miscarriage.”

“Finally!” He exclaimed. He had been telling me for years to tell Jamie about what happened even if we weren’t together. He deserved to know. “How did he take it?"

“He was pissed. He tried not to really show it, but it was obvious. It was just another one of my omissions and controlling the situation. I didn’t want to hurt him.” In my mindset at the time, there was no point in him knowing when the pregnancy had terminated itself. What good would it have done? “He came a few months later when I was out of town for my cousin’s wedding. He thought the babysitter was my boyfriend and he left. He didn’t call or anything as usual.”

“The course of true love never did run smooth.”

“Okay William Shakespeare, there is no true love here. It was obviously the universe, God, or whoever telling us we weren’t meant to be. All of this missed opportunities happened for a reason. Our timing sucks. He may be ready now, but I won’t risk it again. It’s not- I have Peter.”

“I’m sorry LJ. I’ll leave you alone about it.” Joe had seen all the destruction and havoc, but he was also there during the good times. There were good times where we were undeniably happy and the couple everyone envied. They loved our little girl. “You and Jamie were just that couple we all thought would last.”

I remembered in the last year how he stopped showing up at parties and dinners with me and my friends. He was always ‘busy’. We picked fights because it was easier than talking through our issues.

I rested my head in my palm. “You know Joe I thought that at one point too, but we weren’t ready. You and Gale had talked it all through before getting married, granted you were a few years older. However, Jamie and I decided to be spontaneous. The spontaneity turned into something completely different. We made each other miserable on purpose and that wasn’t good.”

He held his hands up when he caught the defensiveness in my tone. “I’m not here to judge you. I’ll support you with whatever you want to do. It’s your life and no one can decide it but you. All I’m saying is that you keep saying it’s all in the past, but you’re also using the past as your justification.”

“I’m no-“

“Yes you are. It sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself of all the reasons why you can’t ever give him another chance. I’m not saying end things with Peter because he’s great and you’re happy with him, but stop lying to yourself too. If the past is irrelevant like you’ve told me then you can’t continue to use it as your defense.”

He was the worst. No, he wasn’t. He told me things I didn’t want to hear. “Thanks for listening.”

“Anytime.”

By ten, we were packed and ready to leave the hospital. “I’ve got to relieve Jamie. He’s had the girls since they got out of school. I’m sure he’d like to go home and get some sleep.”

Joe gave me a warm hug. His hugs had the ability to comfort and soothe and make all my worries disappear. “Love ya, LJ. You’re strong and you’ll learn how to navigate this new world you’re entering. I’ll talk to the wife and invite you and the girls over this weekend for dinner.”

I waved goodbye before unlocking my door. By the time I reached home, all I wanted was to crawl into my bed and never leave.

Jamie’s car was parked on the street and I sent him a silent thank you for his thoughtfulness. I wasn’t in the mood to have to move my car for him to leave. I unlocked the door and disarmed the alarm. I would arm it again after Jamie departed. The house was dark except for the light coming from the family room.

I peeked my head in and the sight before me warmed me to my very core. Jamie had his head tilted back in our recliner. Both girls were curled up in their pajamas. I grabbed blankets from our basket and tucked them around each girl. I’d let them spend the night on the sofa and if they woke up, they could walk themselves to their bed.

I cupped his cheek, warm from sleep. He leaned into my touch as his eyes slowly fluttered open. “Claire,” and I couldn’t help the silly grin that formed on my face.

Fondness overcame me as I stared down at him. I shook my head because I had to stop reacting to him like that. Seriously what the hell was wrong with me? I promised myself to maintain my boundaries and I was already slipping.

“I guess they were tired,” I whispered, my eyes focused on the sleeping forms of our daughters. “Did they eat dinner?” He nodded. “Is the kitchen clean?” Another nod. “Oh good, sometimes they forget to put back food or clean up, and then we have ants in the kitchen.”

It was one of my biggest pet peeves with them. They were improving on that particular problem. They tried to clean up either as they were doing whatever it is they do in the kitchen, or right after they ate.

After the last row we had about it, they knew not to cross me about the issue again. I’d grounded them for two weeks. It was miserable for all three of us, however so was calling an exterminator. It was why he had all the rules.

“It’s getting late, I figured you didn’t want to camp out on my sofa. It’s comfortable enough for a nap, but I don’t think it’ll be kind on your back.”

“Are ye calling me old?”

“Maybe,” my lips twitched.

“That’s not very nice.”

“Never said I was.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a long one. It was exactly 22 pages. 22 is my lucky number too, so that's got to mean something. 
> 
> Question: What's one thing you couldn't live without? (Excluding shelter, food, water.)  
> This is going to sound totally like something someone from my generation would say. My phone. But it's because I can read books, fics, take pictures, talk to people, watch movies and shows, write and research. It's multi-purpose. Lol


	23. Part of Your World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the encouragement and support. I sound like a broken record, but it means the world to me.   
> The chapter title does come from a Disney movie lol none of the songs on my Rivers Reboot playlist were speaking or singing to me as the case may be. 
> 
> Happy Reading!!! And I'm stilling sending copies of the original for anyone who wants it.

**JPOV**

I wagged a finger at her. “Ye think yer clever?”

She nodded her head, her lips quirked up in an almost smile. “Thank you for delivering them home.”

I stared at her. So much of her was the same, but there were moments where someone else shone from her eyes. “You don’t have to ever thank me for that Claire.”

Her eyes unfocused for a moment as she bobbed her head. “Right yeah, um but still it was a lot to ask when you’re just settling in. Do you even have furniture or anything? I didn’t think to consider that you’ve got other things happening.”

My lips curled up and I nearly laughed from the silliness of it all. She was nervous. “Do I make ye nervous Claire?”

“N-no why would you think that? This is just me, plain, homely, talks too much Claire.”

“There’s never been anything homely about you.” My voice had hardened. “You’re beautiful and that’s not a pick up line. it’s a fact.”

“Right,” she nodded. “Do you want to eat me tomorrow? I-I mean, fuck, I mean eat dinner with us tomorrow? I know Bree and Isla would be delighted.”

I snorted. Was my presence having an effect on her? “Are ye sure?” I didn’t want to intrude.

“It’l be fine, and you and Peter can meet properly. He’s off tomorrow and I know it could potentially turn awkward, but this would be great in going forward, you know? But if that’s a problem I mean you don’t have to. I understand if it’s uncomfortable and would never want to put you in that position so y-“

I rested a hand on her arm. “It’s fine Claire. I’ll come.”

“Really? Her face lit up. “Just be here around six.’

I took my cues from her as I didn’t want to wear out my welcome. I wanted our relationship to work, and part of that was respecting boundaries she had in place. I respected her enough. In the end, it was her choice. While my feelings were involved in the matter, I would never jeopardize her chance for happiness.

She followed me as I walked to the door. “If you’d like, you’re welcome to take the girls to school tomorrow. I’m sure they’d enjoy that. Tomorrow I’m not scheduled to go in until ten and I have two back to back surgeries, and a few consults with some colleagues. I also have a skills lab to teach.” My eyes flickered to her hands as she rubbed her fingers together. It was what she did whenever she was unsure.

“What time should I arrive to pick them up?”

She blinked. “Uh yes right um well half past six would be best. They’ll be eating breakfast and then you can take Bree after. I forgot Isla’s got carpool and she’ll want to ride with her friends.” She rolled her eyes. “We’re embarrassing and shouldn’t be allowed within five hundred yard of her school.”

“Okay, and ye’ll tell me if you need me take them to school?”

“I can do that,” her lips tipped up in a soft smile.

I ached for her warm touch again. “Alright, I’ll be by for Bree in the morning.”

“If you arrive early enough, you can be here for breakfast. It’ll be something, I haven’t decided what I’m making.” I had missed her cooking over the years. 

It was difficult to remember the last time I was awake that early in the morning, especially as I was in a completely different time zone that was five hours behind the one I left behind.

It would be an adjustment, but I wanted to have these family moments with my daughters, to savor everything because soon enough the girls would be gone and getting on with their lives. They were young, but it seemed as if they were just little monkeys climbing all over the place and then suddenly they became fully capable people. The years were disappearing and it unsettled me.

“Also, the girls aren’t always so tidy. You probably received the full tour, and the only reason everything is clean upstairs is because we cleaned over the weekend for the party.” Her lips twitched and I watched with the dim light from the television as mirth filled those golden colored eyes of hers. “Don’t let them convince you our home is always in order.”

Well that made a lot more sense. The girls and I usually battled about them cleaning their bathroom. They disliked the mere suggestion of it and fought me tooth and nail. Bree hated picking up her toys or art supplies she left lying around.

Isla’s room was usually a dumping ground for all of her clothes. I wasn’t sure how she managed to have so many at my house, but they were all there. It was scary in a way to think it wasn’t her entire wardrobe either. She had her winter clothes at home that she probably got more use from than the spring-ish clothes she brought with her to Scotland.

Claire’s eyes fluttered tiredly. She was exhausted and probably wanted to crawl into her bed. I kissed her cheek. I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t resist the urge. Her skin was warm and soft. She clutched her cheek as I pulled away as if she couldn’t believe what I did. Her eyes were wide and surprised.

“You’re incredible,” I told her. “You’re doing an amazing job with our daughters and they think the world of you. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. I should take my leave now, so I’ll see you tomorrow bright and early.”

I waved goodbye to her awkwardly, resisting the urge to pull her body to mine. The ultimate goal was to demonstrate that this was our time, she wasn’t ready for that. She had things to work out and there was the Peter of it all. I had made a promise to my daughters and they had to be my first priority for the time being. Still, I could think about her.

Claire was the most beautiful girl I had seen. There were girls who desired me at home and at my school, but none of them captured my attention the way she did on the train that day. She sat there with her head against the window. She blinked and her lids lowered each time until she was nearly asleep. She was fighting sleep.

I noticed how her fingers were crossed in her lap. She was all alone, and I wanted to give her company. I would talk to her everyday if she would allow it.

There was something captivating about her that wasn’t like all the other girls. She had a spark. There was the marked intelligence, or the witty comebacks. Perhaps it was her reliance on sarcasm or the casual way she was always fine when in fact she wasn’t. Or the endearing way in which she babbled and her cheeks would flush a delicate shade of pink when she said something embarrassing.

Claire was someone I spent time trying to figure out. She was a puzzle that I was still solving after finding another piece. Back then, I spoke to her nightly because I wanted to know every facet of her. Anything she told me, I made a mental note about it to review later and possibly question her more on the topic.

While anxious wasn’t a word most would associate with her, talking to people with special notice to strangers, Claire was always anxious. She worried endlessly over how her words would be perceived, if the people she was talking to actually liked her or were pretending to, and found herself more comfortable having a conversation one on one with a person.

She built walls around her heart to keep people out. Somewhere along the way, she had lost the key to her gate and was trapped inside without anyone there until a dashing, young man came to save the beautiful, fair maiden from her own heart.

Her head ruled triumphant and was the ultimate authority she trusted as her feelings often betrayed her.

“Alright Jamie, I think it really is time, otherwise I wouldn’t want you to ever leave. I mean you’ll end up on my semi comfortable sofa.” Her face was horrified. I coughed to cover my laugh. I had missed this side of her. 

A part of me wished I didn’t want to do what was right. I would lay out the entire truth before her and plead for our chance, despite knowing there was another man involved. However, I was better than that. I had to be. Rushing Claire into something she wasn’t ready for would only backfire on me. Claire was right to turn me away in Scotland. Why risk it all for a few guilty moments of gratification when I could have her forever?

“Good night Claire,” her lips curved in the glow of the television.

I was tempted to steal a kiss from her. It was proving difficult, but I resisted. I wanted a lifetime.

I opened the door prepared to take my leave when her hand grasped mine and she gave it a gentle squeeze. “You’re remarkable Jamie, and don’t you ever forget it. I may have been somewhat harsh on you before, but I know you’re an amazing father. You love them as much as I do, and would do anything to keep them happy. You don’t have to try so hard. They’ll see it by you just being you.”

“Promise?” My voice sounded weak to my ears, but it was a fear of mine.

“I promise.” Her lips curved up and I was graced with a real Claire smile. It was beautiful and transformed her entire face. “Now you should probably go.”

“Thanks again.”

“No need to thank me, now shoo. Off my property Mr. Fraser.” She made a little shooing gesture and I was charmed by her.

She stayed at the door until I pulled away from the curb. If I didn’t know better I would say she was flirting with me. I spent the drive to my apartment thinking about the day’s events. The day went beyond expectations, but also unfolded in an unexpected way.

While i knew I risked a lot by popping up at Brianna’s school without warning, I didn’t want to give Claire the chance to second guess anything. The pleasure I experienced escorting my daughter into school for the first time was unimaginable. The pure joy that radiated through her was evidence enough that I made the correct choice.

There had been some emotional moments that I hadn’t anticipated, but appreciated nevertheless. Visiting Gabriel’s grave was cathartic. I had held him close all these years, but I didn’t need to any longer. I would never forget him or what it felt like to hold him for those few glorious moments. Then Claire told me about the aftermath of Paris. I was undeniably angry about it. I understood why she never told me, but I was entitled to my frustration over the situation. It wasn’t technically a lie; however an omission wasn’t the truth either. She intentionally kept me from knowing.

We screwed up in Paris by not thinking through our actions. We thought that it would be fine. The whole thing seemed serendipitous and we couldn’t squander it. In reality, neither of us knew what came next. We were lying when we said that it didn’t have to mean anything as sex with a history like ours inevitably meant something. I wasn’t prepared for her inquisition the next morning. I was running on a high from the night before and thinking with my head stuck in the clouds. We would’ve struggled as she correctly pointed out my issues with her inherent wealth and my unresolved feelings regarding all of our problems.

Seeing Claire these years later, interacting with her forced me to see the work she had done. She wasn’t the same woman who cried on a toilet. She had become braver, stronger, and more compassionate. She was confident in who she was and she wasn’t letting anything hold her back. She needed that time to figure out who she was just as I did.

Six years ago, I didn’t know what I wanted except her and that wasn’t good. I had to discover myself outside of the context of Claire. I created goals and had my own dreams that didn’t involve her. It was freeing. I realized that as much as I did love her and was in love with her, I didn’t need her. That had always been one of our problems. We relied too much on the other to make us feel good about ourselves and their judgment shaped our opinions about ourselves. It wasn’t healthy for either of us to remain in that situation. We had to save ourselves before we could be ready for each other.

Now, eight years later, I was a changed man with a purpose and a new dream.

**CPOV**

_I pushed, my body tired. I wanted to give up._

_Nothing went to plan and I was in agony. Everything ached as tears flowed freely down my face._

_Faces covered with surgical masks stood over me as they argued. I couldn’t hear their words as they blurred together. I was alone._

_I screamed in pain. “The baby is in distress.” One of the doctor’s voices drifted over to me. The words sounded distant. “We will have to perform a C-section.”_

_Faster than I knew, a scalpel was cutting me open. Blood splattered everywhere. I was gushing it. “We’ve got a bleeder.” They began working quicker, and I felt the tugging._

_Then they pulled out something grey. “It’s dead.”_

_I screamed._

_“Mommy,” a voiced called to me. “Please wake, it’s a dream.”_

Slowly, my eyes fluttered open to the worried blue eyes of Isla and Bree. Even in the dark, the color was piercing. They were terrified if their frightened faces were any indication. I swallowed painfully, my throat dry.

“Are you okay mom?”

I could barely nod. Was I okay? The dream had freaked me out, and waking to my scared daughters did nothing to settle me. “I’m well I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure? We could stay in here with you?” Her voice was a soft whisper as she stared at me tenderly. When had she grown up?

I threw back both sides of my duvet and scooted towards the middle. Isla and Bree crawled in and cuddled close. “Do you want to talk about it? You always say that it helps.”

I did, but I knew sharing that with them would give them nightmares too. “It was just a bad dream. Now I have you guys to protect me from that.”

I shivered suddenly cold as the memory of my dream washed over me. Bree tightened her hold on me and laid her head over my chest. “I love you mommy and we’ll protect you from the bad dreams like you do for us.” I didn’t know what I did to deserve them, but I was thankful. They were everything I could ever hope for.

Even Isla had put our petty differences aside to comfort me. She had scooted closer, her head resting on my shoulder. “I love you mom.”

“I love you ladybug.” I kissed her head. “You as well my little clinger. Let’s try and get some sleep, you’ve got school tomorrow.”

“Ugh mom,” they groaned and I chuckled.

“We could hum you a song if you still can’t sleep? It makes us feel good and safe after we’ve had a nightmare.”

“Why not?” I acquiesced.

At first they began to hum a distinctly Scottish tune when their voices took over.

_Sing me a song of a lad that is gone,_

_Say, could that lad be I?_

_Merry of soul, he sailed on a day Over the sea to Skye_

_Mull was astern, Rum was on port,_

_Eigg on the starboard bow._

_Glory of youth glowed in his soul, Where is that glory now?_

_Give me again all that was there,_

_Give me the sun that shone._

_Give me the eyes, give me the soul, Give me the lad that's gone._

_Billow and breeze, islands and seas,_

_Mountains of rain and sun;_

_All that was good, all that was fair,_

_All that was me is gone._

I loved when Jamie sang that to me or the girls. While it wasn’t polished or perfect, it revealed that they were in fact their father’s daughters, which made it perfect. They wanted to console me and they did. They gave me a piece of my past, and I couldn’t love the more for it.

“I love you,” sleep coated my voice. I was tired and sleep came easily.

“Love you too mama.”

I slept content for the first time since returning from Scotland. Somehow during the night our positions shifted. I awoke with Isla’s face pressed into my neck and Bree sleeping half on top of me. I closed my eyes to appreciate the moment a little longer. This was everything.

The moment couldn’t last forever. The day was to start soon as the sun began its’ ascent into the sky. I silenced my alarm before it woke them, giving them a few extra minutes. We couldn’t remain in bed too long as they did need to get ready and eat breakfast, and Jamie was coming over.

At a quarter to six, I got them up. “Come on girls, it’s time to start the day.” Isla burrowed her head further into my neck as Bree clung tighter. “You’ve got to get going. There’s school. Isla, you’ve got violin after school, followed by PT and Bree, your reading tutor sent me the schedule for this semester. Your first session is today.”

I heard groans and moans as I forced them into consciousness. “No m’mmy, too tired.”

“Go morrow.”

“No, you are going to get up now and get ready. It’s the first week of school.”

“Ugh,” Isla groaned as she rolled away and off the bed. She trudged grumpily out of my room and I heard the door to her room shut.

I stroked Bree’s knotted hair. “Time to get up sweetheart. I know you don’t like waking up, but you’ve got to go to school.”

It took another five minutes of coaxing, but I finally got her out of bed.

The girls weren’t quite adept at making their own breakfast aside from oatmeal, cereal, and pop tarts. The first week I usually put forth more of an effort to make breakfast to ease the transition back to school and to coax them into waking up a little more before I sent them off for the day. Usually, I made breakfast for them on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays. Saturdays we made it as a family. Someone got to pick what we were making Friday afternoon, so we could run to the store for possible ingredients.

Sundays we went out to brunch after mass. The rest of the week, it was up to the girls to decide what they wanted to eat for their breakfast. Some days, they chose to grab a granola bar, some sort of fruit, and filled a glass with oat milk. Neither liked the taste of cow’s milk. Occasionally, we ran late enough where they only had time to grab the granola bar and eat on the way to school.

The further into the school year we got, the more likely the last scenario was to occur. Sports dominated their schedules and homework consumed the night. The morning was a struggle to get them out of their beds. I haven’t hesitated in the past to dump water on them when they refused to get out. Wet sheets and hair made for grumpy, unpleasant children, but I had no choice as they knew school came before anything else in their lives.

Mornings were my least favorite time of the day during the school year. Towards the end of year, it was easier to get them out of the house. They were ready to be done and didn’t want to prolong anything.

I grabbed my housecoat and made my way downstairs after I relieved myself. I had stayed in bed a little longer, not feeling the normal morning rush. I didn’t have anywhere to be anytime soon and it was a relief.

In the kitchen, I pondered over my options for breakfast before deciding on French toast and bacon. I didn’t eat bacon, but the girls preferred it over turkey.

I searched the cupboards for ingredients. I double checked I had milk, cinnamon, eggs, and vanilla. Then I began mixing up ingredients and turning on the stove to heat the pan.

I soaked my bread and began frying it. I cooked the bacon in the oven to prevent any accidents.

Isla came into the kitchen, rubbing her eyes and yawning widely. My lips twitched as I remembered the sleepy faces she made as an infant. Her knot had fallen to the wayside and strands fell loose during her sleep. “Good morning love, I see you still haven’t gotten dressed.” She would have time after breakfast to get ready.

She nodded tiredly as she took her seat at the table. Her head fell onto her arms as her eyes shut. I shook my head. The first week was always the hardest as I tried to get them back into the routine of waking up. Last night was a bit out of the norm, so I was cutting them some slack.

The week before they went back, I made them start getting up earlier to make the transition easier. Suffice to say the girls weren’t exactly morning people. They would sleep to nearly noon if I allowed them to.

Bree made her way into the kitchen five minutes later looking just as sleepy. Her hair was a mess of knots and angry furls. I dreaded running a brush through it later because if I left it to her, her hair would never get brushed. She hated detangling it because she claimed it always hurt, and used to scream bloody murder if I came within five feet of her with a brush.

She sat across from her sister who was sleeping and her head thudded into the table. The food was nearly done so I let them rest their little heads a bit longer. They deserved it.

Six thirty was always when we sat down for breakfast together unless I had an early or late shift. Then the girls made themselves cereal. We usually ate in about fifteen to twenty minutes and then got ready for our days. This year Isla was in a carpool as my mother was busier after taking on another client and also she lived farther from us instead of down the hall. On certain days, Bree would be picked up by a friend and her mother, or I would take her. It all varied depending on my work schedule, which I informed the other mother about ahead of time. We alternated taking the two of them to school.

“Alright girls, budge up, time to eat,” their eyes popped open just over the crease of their arms. Two glares were directed at me, but they eventually sat themselves up as I brought the food and plates to the table. A pitcher of orange juice was placed on the table for them to pour themselves. I set the powdered sugar and syrup out for them along with cut up slices of strawberry.

There was a knock on the door, not that Bree and Isla noticed over their squabbling. I rushed to answer it as I knew it was Jamie. He was standing on the poor with a sheepish smile. “So is breakfast still available?”

i grinned at him. “Come on.”

Jamie walked into the kitchen and the girls halted their movements as they tracked him with their sleep dazed eyes. Bree blinked a few times to assure herself it was actually her dad in the kitchen before deciding she was too hungry.

Jamie took a seat next to Isla. Her eyes darted to him before focusing on her food.

Breakfast was mostly a silent affair this early into the school year. Later in the year, the girls talked about their schedules or dreams, or anything big coming up at school. “So lasses, are ye ready for school?”

I glared at him and shook my head, but he didn’t seem to grasp the hint I was throwing his way. Isla finished chewing and looked at her dad. “Too early for conversation.” She told him then continued eating. “No talking. Eat.”

Jamie was taken aback by her less than sociable behavior. Isla and Bree weren’t friendly this early in the day. I had learned the hard way when they were both finally in school, and I nearly got a finger bitten off when I tried to wipe Bree’s face.

The girls honestly hadn’t noticed I placed down an extra setting, but then they rarely noticed anything this early. By the end of breakfast with a little food in their system, they were a bit more awake and ready to start their days. Bree collected the dishes and took them to the sink. Isla wiped down their spots at the table and then they went upstairs to get ready for the day.

“I was trying to warn you about talking to them. They’re like rabid little beasts this early. Neither of them wants to chat. Later in the school year once they’ve adjusted, you’ll find them to be quite sociable. Don’t take it personal, this is how they are with everyone.” I told him as I began cleaning breakfast. I didn’t want him to feel as if it were him.

We worked alongside one another, cleaning the mess. He scrubbed while I dried, and it was nice to have a partner. “Ye ken, ye’ve done a wonderful job with them,” he handed me a dish. “I know I told you last night, but I wanted to emphasize it again.”

I avoided eye contact as my cheeks flushed. It was strange hearing him compliment me on our children. “I’ve tried my best.” It was a bit self-deprecating, but it had been hard work. There were a lot of tears shared between the three of us out of sheer frustration with one another.

He stopped his movements and turned towards me. His wet hands dripped soapy water onto my kitchen floor, but I ignored that as he stared me in the eyes. “I meant it. They’re such amazing, intelligent, beautiful little girls and that comes from you. They are polite.” He cracked a smile. “Most of the time,” a nervous laughter bubbled out of me at his attempt at a joke. “Ye’re a good mother, and don’t ever forget that because I know they don’t.”

I nearly pecked him on the lips out of an old, almost forgotten habit. “Thank you,” I told him quietly as we finished our tasks. I didn’t need his affirmation, but it felt good too.

The girls came back down, dressed for the school day. Bree had on her dress with the pressed white shirt. She had three of them. In the beginning, she used Isla’s old ones, but at some point she became taller than Isla ever was when she attended the school and the dresses became too short to be accepted for dress code. They couldn’t wear skirts until they were in the upper school. 

Bree’s hair was brushed, probably the influence of her sister. She wore her hairband from yesterday and left her hair down.

Isla wore a red, button down flare dress with a ruffled sleeve. To complete the look, she wore a faded jean jacket and black converse. She tidied up her top knot and pulled strands down strategically. She had become obsessed with her hair and clothes.

“Teeth brushed?” They nodded. “Beds made?” Isla nodded and Bree half nodded, which alerted me to her lying. I pointed to the hall and she went back upstairs to make her bed, muttering angrily along the way.

“I filled out all the back to school forms, they’re in your backpacks.”

Isla nodded her head and crossed the kitchen to hug me. “Thanks mom,” her voice filled with appreciation.

“Here’s your phone,” I handed it to her. “If you remain on your best behavior, I’ll consider ending your punishment Friday.”

“Seriously?” I nodded. “And I’ll get full privileges back like texting my friends and the Internet?”

“Yes,” I laughed. “That does mean not being a brat, no rolling your eyes, and listening when I ask you to do something.”

“i will mom. I’ll do anything.” She was exuberant for this time, but I knew that getting her phone back was the cause. “This is the new me.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

Jamie watched the interaction with a wistful look in his cerulean eyes.

Bree trotted back into the kitchen, her spirits cheerful again. “Morning daddy,” she acknowledged his presence.

I cupped her face, her cheeks still a bit chubby from youth. “Daddy is going to take you to school today.” She bobbed her head happily.

Isla grabbed her water bottle from the fridge, a granola bar, and a bag of grapes. She then grabbed her lunch box last and an ice pack from the freezer. “Hey dad,” she said as she passed him. Jamie patted her shoulder as she walked by, knowing ruffling her hair would end in disaster.

Bree retrieved her things from the fridge. Her lunchbox sat waiting for her, and she grabbed her water bottle, filling it with ice. Instead of grabbing a granola bar like her sister, she snatched a pack of fruit snacks and animal crackers.

Isla was out the door with her backpack. “I love you,” I called to her as she climbed into the van. A bunch of girls called out a greeting to me and I shook my head in amusement.

Bree had a little longer until she and Jamie had to leave. She decided to have her own version of the Spanish inquisition with her father. She was questioning him. “So you’re taking me to school?”

“Yes,” I heard.

She nodded her head thoughtfully with pursed lips. “I see,” she said. “You’re not going to walk me in are you? Cause that wouldn’t be cool. It’s a first day only thing.”

“Bree!” I called sharply.

She turned toward me with wide, innocent eyes and a “mama.”

I kissed her head and ruffled the curls a bit. “That was rude. You could’ve said that a lot nicer.” I grabbed her chin to force her to look at me.

“Yes,” she agreed.

“Go put your lunch in your bag. Don’t forget nana is picking you up today.”

She stuffed the lunchbox into her backpack, and I heard the crinkling of papers. I smiled fondly because that was my Bree. “Alright come here love bug,” she came willingly to my arms.

Jamie had gone to start his car and Bree would meet him out there.“I love you so much. I hope you had a wonderful first day.”

“Fourth grade is awesome. We have recess with the fifth graders. There was a huge game of tag we played yesterday. Apparently it’s a tradition, and the person who was last it, is still it today at recess. My teacher is also super cool and nice.”

I ran my fingers through her hair. “You be good for your dad on the way to school. Just talk to him about normal things.” At my pointed look, she acquiesced. “Have a good day darling Bree, I’ll be home around six tonight. Your dad and Peter will be here for dinner, I was thinking of ordering out.”

Bree squealed loudly as she threw her backpack on. “Okay mama, I’ll hold you to it.”

Jamie came back in and I laughed as he nearly stumbled when she grabbed him by the arm to drag him back out the house.

We could do this. We could be a different kind of family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I discovered the worst part about diverging timelines is that there's a lot more you've got to change. Practically the entire chapter was rewritten because I changed the original dynamic between Jamie and Claire and it's finally catching up to me in the story. So next chapter will be the family dinner with Peter and Jamie and more awkward Claire. 
> 
> Question: Are you a tennis shoes, heels, boots, flats, or sandals kind of person? I feel people's preferences in shoes says a lot about them.  
> I'm the kind of girl who wears boots and tennis shoes. I can't walk in heels to save my life. It's like watching a train wreck in real life.


	24. Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was one of the first chapters where I basically wrote it from scratch. Any similarities to its' counterpart really are a coincidence on my part.  
> Thanks for all your responses and support. You guys are the best encouragement a girl could ask for.

**CPOV**

What had I done? What was I thinking inviting Jamie over for dinner with Peter there? While Peter wasn’t upset about what happened, at least not angry enough to call things off, he was visibly hurt. I didn’t know what to do to fix that.

The worst part of the situation was Peter still didn’t know. Coffee yesterday was nice and it seemed wrong to address the Jamie of it all before he spent several hours in an OR with a lot of time to ruminate. It was less problematic when Jamie was over 3000 miles away as opposed to living in the same city.

“What is wrong with you?”

I lifted my head to find Mel and Joe staring at me with looks ranging from mild horror to outright amusement. I stuffed a few more fries into my mouth to avoid saying anything. If I opened my mouth, I would never be able to shut it. I was a powder keg waiting to explode.

They sat down across from me, concern marring their faces. “Claire, why are you stuffing french fries into your mouth? You barely eat fried foods.” Mel spoke softly to me in the way an adult might talk to a child. “Don’t you normally pack lunch?"

“Nothing is wrong,” I swallowed my food. “I’m fine, see this is me perfectly okay. What would I have to worry about? Everything is just perfect from ex’s that are still in love with me but pretending they aren’t and confusing me to fiancés who don’t know that said ex is back in town and planning to stay here. There’s nothing to worry about even though I’m having them both over for dinner and there’s not a chance of anything going wrong, well maybe Peter and Jamie getting into a fight because I mean hello who wants to look at the man who kissed his fiancée. Other than that there’s absolutely nothing that’s the matter.” I shoved more food into my mouth because when it was empty I said way too much. I hadn’t meant to reveal all that.

Joe and Mel stared at me, turned towards each other and did that silent communication thing they did whenever they were worried about me. Joe sighed and took the lead. “If you’re fine LJ, then I’ve won the lottery.” I wasn’t amused. “So you invited Jamie over for dinner?”

I groaned and dropped my head to the table. “Yes,” I moaned. Was it too late to cancel?

“You can’t cancel, you’ve already issued the invite.” I said that out loud. “Look I’m sure it won’t be as terrible as you’re thinking.”

“Yes it will. Or what if they become friends and do all that male bonding instead of posturing. Not that there’s anything wrong with them being friendly, but it would be super weird. Right now I’m what they have in common, oh God what if they talk about me? Could you imagine?” I don’t think I’m ready for something like that. “I’m not regretting the action per se, but there’s a lot that can potentially go wrong when all I want is for everything to be okay. I want Jamie to be happy. I want my daughters to be happy. And Peter too.”

“You’re overreacting. Neither of them would do that. Although you are behaving rather odd. Is there something else going on?” Mel quirked a brow. I wasn’t getting into the mess that was my heart and brain. “You didn’t mention yourself in that little spiel of yours.”

“No, of course not. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go poke around in some patients. I mean check on them. Damnit!” Joe snorted as Mel giggled uncontrollably. “Oh shut up, you know what I meant.”

Their laughter echoed in my ears as I exited the cafeteria. They were terrible friends, laughing at me while I was having a crisis. I loved them. I frowned as I thought about Jamie not having any support. Did he remain in contact with the friends he made in Boston? I didn’t know. I hadn’t asked him. It was definitely food for thought.

This day was the worst. I knew the one thing that could brighten it, my favorite patient. Lyla had been one of my first patients after I picked my specialty. I had worked on her case from the beginning. She was born with a congenital heart disease and needed a new one. She was at the top of the list, so we were just playing the waiting game now.

“Hey Dr. Fraser,” she greeted as soon as I entered.

I smiled at her. “Hey Lyla, how’s my favorite patient?” Her pallor was concerning.

“I’m alright all things considered.”

I picked up her chart and checked her stats from morning rounds. Her numbers weren’t great. She would need that transplant soon and it wasn’t only her heart any longer. She needed new lungs.

“That bad, huh?”

“I think that’s something to discuss when your parents are present.” Her grin dropped. “Why don’t you tell me about school.”

She rolled her sea green eyes as she attempted to sit up. “Not much to tell since it’s home school and boring. I miss going to school. I’m supposed to be in high school going to dances, getting into trouble, and I’m stuck in a hospital bed. My friends barely come to visit anymore as they’ve got their own lives and the whole thing sucks.”

I sympathized with her, reflecting back on my own time in the hospital last year. It was weeks before I went home and slept in my own bed. My friends stopped by frequently at first, but I wasn’t the most pleasant to be around. I was a rain cloud of misery and made everyone aware of it, aside from the nurses. I knew not to piss them off.

I took a seat on the end of her bed. “I’m sorry Lyla. If I could, I would let you leave, but it’s too risky in your condition.”

She sighed dramatically. “I know. It still isn’t fun. I’m so bored I’ve taken to reading horoscopes. What’s your sign?”

“What?”

“You know your star sign? Sagittarius?”

“No, I’m a Libra.”

“Huh…” her eyes roamed over her computer screen as she searched for what she was looking for. “I can totally see you as this. Libras are cooperative and diplomatic. I’ve seen how you handled crises with your residents. Fair minded, gracious, and social are perfect words. I’ve seen you at church and you talk to everyone.” She also attended the same church, which made the world incredibly small. “Indecisive,” described me to a tee. It was hard to make decisions, especially once I analyzed all of the potential outcomes. “It does say this is a month full of personal pleasures for you and that you should re-think the suitability of your romantic relationships. Something about the alignment of the planets or whatever. You may have to revisit old issues with your partner or children, or there could be some communication problems. Uh something about arguments with a lover being blown out of proportion. Look for meaning in words instead of harping… yada yada or relationship might not move forward. Could seem stagnant but good time to review and rest. Basically re-examine issues instead of communicating about them prematurely and keep status quo for the time being.”

“You’re kidding. It did not say all that.”

She grinned at me. “I swear Dr. Fraser it most definitely did.”

How did everything come back to my love life? “Aren’t those horoscopes divided into different sections?”

“Yeah but that’s not fun to speculate about unlike romance. Besides my boyfriend dumped me last week, so give me this doc.”

I softened at her puppy dog expression. She knew I wasn’t immune to her charm. “Fine, fine whatever. I’m perfectly content in my love life though, not that I’ll give you any specifics.” She pouted. “That’s private. And your ex-boyfriend is an idiot if he dumped you because you’re in hospital.”

Her mood soured as she redirected her attention. I had hit a sore spot. “He says he doesn’t think he can handle if I died. He doesn’t want to be known as the dead girl’s boyfriend.”

“Boys at your age can be stupid. You won’t always be the sick girl. Something better is coming for you.” I had faith.

Lyla beamed at me, her smile lit up the entire room, pushing away all the darkness. “I know you can’t promise anything, but I believe in you.”

My eyes watered and she rolled her eyes. “Here I am getting all emotional over you, and you’re being a typical teenager.” She grinned. “i’ll check on you again before I leave. Tell your parents I want to talk to them when they return.”

“Sure, sure Dr. Fraser, let me get back to reading the horoscopes. Oh looks like my friends Talia is about to have a crappy month, serves her right for flirting with my ex behind my back.”

I shook my head as I departed, wanting nothing to do with whatever teen drama was unfolding. I wasn’t looking forward to when Isla and Bree would bring home their own, particularly Isla as she the more temperamental and irrational of the two. I continued check up on my patients and my post-ops.

On my way back to my office, I ran into Peter and grimaced. I couldn’t allow him to be blindsided by this. Jamie knew about the situation and it was only fair. “Hey sweetheart,” he pecked me on the lips and my skin flushed. I checked to make sure no one had noticed our little display. Everyone knew we were together, but we didn’t have to advertise it at work.

“So you’re still coming by for dinner? I know you would’ve said if you weren’t, but I wanted to check in with you just in case. Wait what are you doing here?” It was his day off.

His eyes narrowed. “Jeff is out sick and I got called in. What’s wrong?”

“Wrong? Wh-why does something have to be wrong?”

“You’re doing that rambling thing you do when you’re anxious about something. What is it?”

I cursed him for knowing me as well as he did. I sighed. “Damn, okay so Jamie is here, well not here here but he’s here in Boston, and before you ask, it’s in a permeant way not like he’s on vacation. He decided to branch out with his business and chose Boston. He turned up yesterday and spent the afternoon with the girls, and I may have, no I did invite him to dinner with us tonight. I hope that’s alright. I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable.” i was uncomfortable enough for all of us. The last thing I imagined was the three of us ever being in a room together. “I figured this would be a great opportunity for you to officially meet, but it’s totally okay if you’re not ready.”

I would be stuck between my ex and my fiancé, what could possibly go wrong there?

“Calm down Claire, deep breaths. In,” I inhaled sharply. “You can exhale now. It’s fine. It’s been a busy week with Isla and Bree going back to school, and Jamie showing up.” His cheek twitched, but he continued. “I will still come to dinner. It’ll be good for us to talk if he’s going to be in your life, well then I’ll get used to it.”

“You’re amazing. Dinner is at six. I’m ordering out, so you don’t need to bring anything except yourself.” I was saved by a page. “I have to go. See you tonight.” I kissed his cheek and ran off.

That was one issue out of the way.

By the time I arrived home, it was a quarter to six. I had picked up Chinese on the way home. It was easiest and everyone could pick and choose. The great part about the evening was that I knew it would end. I had a long day ahead tomorrow and I was on-call. I had a legitimate excuse to cut the night short if things went in a negative direction or became too awkward.

“Hey mom,” Isla greeted as I shuffled into the kitchen. “Need any help?”

“I got it. Why don’t you set the table? Where’s your sister?” I started unloading the food.

Isla shrugged. “I think she’s in her room reading. Nana said to call her later by the way. Apparently you forgot to yesterday.”

 _Shit!_ I had completely forgotten that she wanted me to call her. She had something important to tell me, but yesterday hadn’t gone the way I imagined and it slipped my mind.

“Uh mom that’s five dollars in the jar. Too bad it wasn’t the other one because that’s ten.”

I grumbled unhappily as I sorted through my wallet. “Here, go put it in the jar you little miser.”

“Gladly.” She smirked at me.

I made a grabbing motion as her laughter trailed behind her. She had busted me for swearing. We started the jar as a way to curve my swearing around them. Normally, I did fairly well. Tom had been the donor of most of the money and often prepaid.

She came back in and continued setting the table. “So it’s the three of us, dad and Peter, correct?“

“Yeah.”

“Great.”

I placed the food in the center of the table as Isla set out the glasses. “Juice or water tonight, no soda.” She nodded as she finished her task. “Also I’m on call tonight, so if I have to go in nana will come and stay with you guys.”

She brushed over my worries. “Mom, we’ve done this like a million times. It isn’t new for us. You’re a surgeon. Until you go into private practice, this will be your life. We get it. We’ll be fine.”

i wrapped my arms around her. “What would I do without you?”

“Be crazy, oh wait,” she cackled.

I grabbed a dishtowel and whipped it at her. “Hey!”

“I’ll show you crazy.”

“Come on mom, you’re totally insane, in a good way.”

“Go get your sister and wash your hands.”

“Aye aye captain.”

“And they call me crazy.”

“I heard that.”

“You were supposed to,” I called after her, the smile still on my face. The nerves had mostly disappeared. I prayed tonight would go smoothly for all of our sakes.

**JPOV**

I knocked on the door at exactly six. I waited in my car until a minute before so that I wasn’t early or late. The door opened and Isla was there. She was still in the clothes she had worn that morning.

“Hey dad,” she greeted with a smile. “You’re right on time.” There was a hint of surprise in her voice. “The food is already here, but we are still waiting on Peter. You can follow me.”

“My little hostess,” she groaned. “How was school?”

“It was school. There isn’t much to tell. I’ve got math homework and my history teacher is already talking about partners for some project. My violin teacher is up my butt for not practicing over the summer. I mean you can’t really practice sitting down, which is what I spent like the whole summer doing.”

Isla was opening up to me in a whole new way, and I liked it. She wasn’t holding back anymore in what she shared with me. “How was yer physical therapy?”

“It’s PT. It’s not meant to be fun. I just want my stupid leg to be like it was already. It sucks watching my team play without me.” I sympathized with her. I saw how miserable she was as her team practiced yesterday. “It’s not as bad since I still get to be a little bit part of it, but I would much rather be running the field and getting bruises that way.”

“There’s always next year.”

She sighed as we entered the kitchen. Bree was perched on the counter, her eyes on her mother as she snuck a piece of chicken. They were in the midst of a conversation as Claire had her back turned. “Come on mommy, it would be Friday night and they can take me to the game on Saturday. You’ll just meet us there. Then you don’t gotta get up so early on Saturday, especially since you’ve got to work right after. Aren’t you on-call again that night?”

“I’ll consider it Bree and drop the chicken.” Brianna’s eyes widened as her mouth fell open in shock. “Eyes in the back of my head sweetheart. Hello Jamie.” She tossed out a greeting as she put the finishing touches on the table. “We’re having Chinese. I hope you don’t mind. It’s Bree’s absolute favorite.”

“Yeah, which is why I’m hungry.”

“We’ll eat in just a bit.”

Bree huffed as she crossed her arms. She reminded me of her mother. While she had my coloring, many of her expressions were that of Claire’s. I marveled constantly at the similarities. “Wanted to eat now.”

Isla shoved her sister and laughed as she leaned back against the counter. I glanced over at her, noticing for the first time a drawing on the fridge. My brow furrowed in confusion. Isla turned her head and then cackled loudly as her younger sister’s lips thinned. “It’s not funny.”

“It totally is squirt.”

“I’m like as tall as you.”

“Whatever, I’m not the one who drew a serial killer picture for school.”

“It’s not a serial killer,” she glared at her sister. “You know that.”

Isla glanced thoughtfully at the drawing before a Grinch like smirk appeared on her face. “I don’t know, there’s knives, blood everywhere, and a huge smile. Sounds very sadistic killer like to me.”

“You suck!”

“Hey! I’ve warned you both about that word. Isla, stop teasing her.”

“Come on mom, we all know she drew you as a serial killer, which is the reason you’ve never been able to look Ms. Smith in the eyes.”

They were speaking too quickly for me to understand what was happening. “Wait, what?”

Three sets of eyes turned towards me as if they had forgotten my presence. Bree’s cheeks turned a bright shade of red. “Oh god!” She moaned.

“So here’s the story dad. When Bree was in first grade, her class assignment was to draw a picture of her parent’s job. Naturally Bree drew one of mom in the OR, except,” she removed the drawing from the fridge and handed it to me. “If you look, there’s a scalpel or knife in both hands. There’s a lot of blood. She sort of made the body look like that game _Operation_. The smile on mom’s face doesn’t help either as it looks sinister. To make a bad situation worse when mom was there for parent teacher conferences, she told Ms. Smith she enjoyed slicing people. By the time she tried to correct herself, it was too late. She totally made herself sound like some murderess.”

I stared at the drawing made by my seven year old. There was a lot of blood, and the scalpels were sharp. The smile looked more like a smirk. I could see how the teacher would get the wrong impression.

Bree’s hands were covering her face as I gave the picture back to Isla. “We hung it up on the fridge after because it was really funny and embarrassing for mom and Bree.”

There was a knock on the door, and Bree was off the counter and out of the kitchen before I could blink. When she re-entered, she was tugging a blond haired man. He was around my height, more slender, but he worked out. His eyes were green. He was handsome. He gave me the vibe that he came from money, much like Claire. “Hello,” he said with confidence. “We’ve never really had the pleasure of meeting. I’m Peter.” He held out his hand with a friendly grin. His voice was a low timber.

I grasped his hand and shook it. It would be impolite and there was no need to start off things horribly. He didn’t seem like a bad guy, and he had affection for my daughters, which seemed to be returned. “I’m Jamie, it’s nice to meet you too.”

“Oh good, we can eat.” Claire smiled uneasily. “Let’s all take our seats.” Once grace was said, the food was passed around the table.

“So yer a doctor Peter?”

“I’m an anesthesiologist. It’s still a doctor, but I could never do what Claire does.”

I hummed thoughtfully. “Are ye from Boston?”

“No, I’m from Connecticut. I moved to Boston during my residency.”

“Did ye always wanted to go into medicine?” Claire’s hand gripped her fork tightly as she glared at me.

“I was a bio-chem major in college, and I didn’t really know what I wanted to do. I just decided to go to medical school and the rest happened. There weren’t any well thought out plans or dreams.. The pay is good and I like my job. Did you want to become a business man?”

I would admit I deserved the turnaround. I had questioned him. “Not until sixth form when I realized how much I loved math. Starting a business came later. When I moved back home, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to work for another company, so I started working for my cousin. It worked out, and he was one of my first investors.”

“Dad’s brewery is super awesome, and there’s always tons of people there for taste testings. The pub is cool too.” Isla grinned at me. “We’ve never had any, but the visitors always say it’s good.”

“Did you come up with flavoring yourself?”

“Aye, I knew that I wanted it to be completely mine.”

“Jamie has always been very attentive and hands on.” Her cheeks darkened as she lowered her lashes to cover her embarrassment. “What I mean is that he pays attention to details and likes to be involved.”

“Claire is correct. I wanted to be heavily involved from the beginning, and found some good people along the way that I trusted to help. I figured it was time to expand and this was a wonderful way to be closer to my daughters.”

He regarded me silently, meeting my challenge straight on. He seemed unfazed by my declaration, but his eyes twitched ever so slightly. If I hadn’t been watching him, I would’ve missed the movement. Something in what I said bothered him, but if he was worried about his status with Claire, he shouldn’t have been. She was his. She made that abundantly clear time and again, although as she kept repeating it, it was losing its’ intended effect. It was as if she needed the constant reminder about her affiliations. That was a problem for another time.

Dinner progressed and we made light conversation. Bree and Isla chatted about school. “By the way mom, so you said as long as I’m good until Friday I’m ungrounded. So if that happens, which it will,” she added hastily. “Can I go to Kelly Baker’s back to school party?”

Claire bit her lip. She had told Isla her punishment ended on Friday if she stayed on her best behavior, and there wasn’t any reason for her to not go to the party. I wasn’t hesitant to interrupt, partly given my inexperience. I didn’t know Kelly, and was likely to say no on those grounds alone. Claire was giving it serious thought. Isla chewed her lip as she stared back at her mother pleadingly.

“Will Kelly’s parents be there?”

I watched with rapt attention. I wanted to know how to handle these situations as they came. Isla resisted the urge to roll her eyes, but I did catch how she almost did. She had stopped herself mid-roll. It was smart of her. “Yes,” her tone bordering on annoyance.

Claire narrowed her eyes and exhaled slowly. “Fine, but your dad or nana will have to take you. I’m working all Saturday.”

My eyes widened at this. I was involuntarily volunteered for a drop off, not that I personally minded. It was a chance for alone time with Isla to talk. We hadn’t done much of that the other night as she watched television. Her eyes turned towards me and I melted like butter. Claire teased me when Isla was a toddler about how she had me wrapped around her finger. It still held true. “Dad, do you think you could take me?” Her voice was soft and sweet, the opposite of how she had spoken to her mother.

“I dinna have any other plans aside from yer sister’s game in the morning. Ye’ll have to let me know where this Kelly lives.”

“Yeah sure dad, thanks, you’re the best.” I belatedly realized I had been conned.

“Mommy are you going to eat that egg roll?”

Claire glanced down at her place. “Uh no, it’s too thick- big and I’m stuffed already.” I wanted to laugh, but it would’ve drawn attention. Isla and Bree were too innocent to know the other connotation of their mother’s words. I knew she never said it on purpose. It never failed to make me laugh.

Claire glared at me across the table catching my bemused expression. She sniffed and I snickered.

The evening was going fine until an overweight ginger fluff ball jumped onto the table and began to lick the sweet and sour sauce. “Fuck!” Claire exclaimed, jumping back. “Peaches@ Isla I told you to lock her in your room.”

“I forgot.” Isla said as she tried to snatch the cat. Peaches hissed at her and raised a claw when she tried to grab her. Bree dove towards the cat who gracefully leapt of the table and ran away.

“Ugh go get her and put her in your room Isla.” The dinner mood had effectively been eradicated as Isla and Bree chased after their cat.

“I apologize. Peaches… well there’s a reason that she’s supposed to be in Isla’s room during meal times. I’m just going to clean up.”

Peter and I sat at the table awkwardly staring at one another. I yearned to help her, but I figured she needed the time to collect herself. She had high expectations for tonight’s outcome; it hardly went perfectly from the start. Peter was okay. He wasn’t as awful as I pictured in my head, then again he was unexpected. We didn’t have much in common. He preferred baseball whereas I was into football. He cared for my children, so he wasn’t terrible. However, there was tension at the table. I suspected he didn’t care for me at all.

From the triumphant shouts coming from the family room, it sounded as if Isla and Bree had caught their wayward pet. Peaches was a late Christmas present that had been waiting for them when they arrived home from Scotland. She had been only three months old at the time. My daughters were in love the moment they saw her.

I grew uncomfortable under Peter’s gaze and decided to assist Claire with the clean up. It would give my idle hands something to do as opposed to tapping on the table. “Thanks,” she said as I took the dish from her to rinse. We worked in silence, which was for the best with Peter sitting there.

Isla and Bree came back down and collected the remainder of the dishes. They helped put away the remainder of the food. “I’ve got to head out Claire, walk me to the door.” She nodded, her eyes on me.

“I’ll be back,” she whispered.

She came back five minutes later. Her face was drawn and her eyes ringed red. I didn’t ask. It wasn’t my business. “I know tonight wasn’t well perfect, actually it was far from perfect. I just wanted everyone to have a chance to meet and I stupidly thought hosting a family dinner at my house would be a great way to bond. I’m sorry that it was uncomfort-“

“It wasn’t,” I lied. She was miserable without worrying about me. “I was fine. It wasn’t a total disaster.”

“Are you sure?” Her voice was small and she huddled into herself. What had he said to her?

I nodded. “I’ve had worse dinners.” I shuddered, recalling some of my past attempts at dating. It was why I forbade Jenny from ever interfering in my love life again.

The tension from her shoulders disappeared as she lowered them. “I don’t know what I’m doing. That wasn’t supposed to be as painful as it was. You were fine. It really wasn’t you. Peter behaved oddly and I’ve never seen him treat anyone so distantly.” I had an idea of why Peter treated me the way he did. “Whatever the reason you didn’t deserve it and I told him.”

“Did you fight? Is that why you were crying?”

Her eyes lowered and she shook her head. “No, I uh wasn’t crying.” She hadn’t improved in her ability to lie. Claire avoided eye contact when she lied. “I had something in my eye is all.”

I wanted to call her out for lying, but I didn’t want to push. She was upset and she and Peter had obviously fought about me. “I’m still your friend.”

Her lips tipped up at the corners. It wasn’t a smile, but it was an improvement over her sad face. There was nothing that made my heart ache than seeing Claire or my daughters upset. “it’s fine Jamie. You didn’t do anything. It’s Peter’s little problem. Not like he’s little or anything like that, just his issue. He has stuff to think about and can’t do that with me around. He thinks I have feelings for you and thinks I lied about what happened in Scotland.”

The cause of her problems was me. He would’ve never thought anything happened between us if I hadn’t kissed her. “I know what you’re thinking, but it does take two to tango. I kissed you back and didn’t stop you immediately. I’m just as much to blame. Part of me wanted it too, but it was wrong of me to do that to you or Peter. I never said sorry.”

“It’s nothing. I initiated the kisses and I knew he existed.”

“Doesn’t make my reaction right. I hurt him. This is my cross to bear not yours.”

It didn’t erase the guilt. Still, she admitted that the kiss wasn’t one sided. I wasn’t alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So progress... the dinner didn't turn out exactly as planned.  
> Also my cat attacked me as I wrote the part about the cat. I don’t think she liked how I represented her species 😂 Also true story, my cat has jumped onto the kitchen table when there was food on it.  
> What was your favorite movie as a kid, animated or live action?  
> Mine was Beauty and the Beast. I even dressed up as Belle for Halloween when I was 8. I own it on VHS and Blu-ray, so that tells you how much I still love it haha


	25. All the Bright Places

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daddy Jamie because he deserved it in canon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 days in a row, I'm on a roll. In all seriousness, I probably won't update again until this weekend. I think I might try running again now that it's not freezing.

**JPOV**

I was up early for a Saturday, which were usually the days I had a lie in. Today, however I had a promise I intended to keep to my nine year old daughter. Her match was at nine as her team was scheduled for one of the first games of the day.

The game was at the field she practiced at on Wednesday. I hadn’t seen Claire since the awkward dinner two days ago. I figured she needed time to sort out her thoughts and feelings with Peter, and it wasn’t my place to interfere with that. Watching her trying to cover up her tears tugged at my heartstrings. The reality was that any attempt to comfort her would’ve made her retreat further into herself. She wasn’t at the point where she could reciprocate and Claire did prefer to cry in solitude. So I bid goodnight to my daughters and sent a smile to Claire before taking my leave.

Isla texted last night to remind me about the game and to ascertain whether or not I was still taking her to the party tonight. She told me it would devastate her sister if I didn’t show as Bree was looking forward to it. There was no chance of that happening again after finally having a permanent place in their lives after so long. I wanted to show them they could depend on me for anything and everything. 

Isla wasn’t the type to use text slang. She preferred grammatically correct sentences, but she used emojis and whatever GIFs were. She had remained on her best behavior and Claire ungrounded her yesterday, so Isla had her full phone privileges returned to her. To say she was ecstatic would be an understatement.

I checked my email for the directions as she sent me the team’s entire schedule for the season, including links to where all the games would be. I set my alarm and pre-programmed my GPS ahead of time to save myself any trouble in the morning.

Claire and Isla were already at the field when I arrived. I had seen Claire’s SUV in the lot when I pulled in. I sent Isla a quick text as she forgot to mention which field Bree wasplaying on.

I found the field easily enough and spotted Claire and Isla almost immediately. Claire chatted with one of the other moms. Lots of smiles were exchanged and Claire laughed quite a bit. She hadn’t noticed me, which gave me time to watch her. Claire wore a hoodie to support Bree’s team and a pair of jeans. It was the most casual I had seen her all week. Today, she was just Bree’s mom and one of her biggest supporters.

Isla was on her phone oblivious to the world around her and ignoring the attention a boy was paying to her. She rolled her eyes every time he tried to talk to her. She wasn’t interested. Her phone was her main priority, and I had to roll my eyes.

I was not prepared for her to grow up at all. She wasn’t even twelve yet, and boys were already starting to notice her. Claire and I would be discussing the dating policy because there was no way in hell she was allowed to have any sort of boyfriend before she was sixteen. I refused to budge on that. I knew what went through their randy minds. 

Isla wore black leggings, the Under Armour logo was hard to miss as I came closer. She wore a grey Under Armour fleece pullover. The girls seemed to have particular tastes about what they wore. When Bree pulled out clothes for practice a few days ago, most of hers were of the Nike variety.

I spotted Bree easily with her team as they did warm ups. Her bright hair stuck out quite vividly. Her hair was tied back into a basic ponytail with a green ribbon. I had noticed she liked hair accessories.

She was in her team uniform and looked adorable. She had a serious, concentrated expression upon her face and was ready for the game to begin. She broke for a minute to shoot me a smile and threw a wave in my direction.

Claire spotted me first and gestured me over. Her companion’s face was curious, but not entirely surprised by my appearance. I supposed Claire had shared with her the news. I didn’t know how I felt about that. “Jamie, this is Jenna Anderson. She’s the mom of one of Bree’s teammates. We’ve known them since Bree started football, and the girls have been on a team together since they were four.” She pointed out a blonde girl next to Bree. “That’s Remi. If you can find one, you’ll always find the other.”

I shook Jenna’s hand and shot her a friendly grin. “So you’re Scottish right?”

“Aye,” I answered.

“So I’m guessing you use football as well?” Claire rolled her eyes and nudged her friend. “Do you play?”

“I’m not very good. Bree tends to score a lot of goals.”

“She’s a striker. She’s terrible at goalie. Luckily, they have her playing her best position today. Hopefully, they’ll win.” It was strange to meet a woman who knew a lot about my daughter.

I studied her as she watched the kids out on the field. She was more of a honey blonde with light brown eyes and a smattering of freckles in the upper regions of her face. She wore no make-up. She had on a team hoodie as well and dark jeans. Next to her was a cooler. “Does your daughter go to school with Bree?”

“Oh yes, Remi and Bree have been going to school together since pre-school. It’s actually how they originally met. They got into a bit of a skirmish the first day, but then Remi stood up when a boy tried to steal Bree’s soccer ball.” Her eyes focused on the team as they finished their final warm ups. “We were late the first day of school, otherwise we would’ve met then.”

I was wondering why Bree hadn’t introduced her friend to me if they were as close as Claire and Jenna were saying. “We usually take Bree to soccer and drop her off at home afterwards, although on some weekends she comes home with us after a game. She stayed with us last night.” 

This was probably the family Bree talked about when she said she often went with a friend’s family to tournaments. If they had known her since she was a little bean at three, then Claire must’ve trusted them to watch out for our girl. It warmed my insides to know there were people caring for my family when I wasn’t around. I could’ve been jealous, but I wasn’t. All of their friends who surrounded them loved and cared for them like family, and I couldn’t begrudge them that. I had made friends like that in Edinburgh, whilst surrounded by my family.

Isla had yet to greet me as she was far too interested in what was happening on her phone. I plucked the device right from her fingers. Her head lifted and I was treated to a steely, dark blue glare. “Yer sister is about to play, and I would rather ye watch than play on yer phone.”

Her eyes turned to her mother. “Mooommm!!!!” She whined. I rubbed my ear at the pitch of her voice. “Tell dad he can’t just take my phone away from me. This isn’t fair. Becca is having a crisis right now.” I wondered what qualified as a crisis to an almost twelve year old.

Claire scowled disapprovingly at Isla. “Your father probably had a valid reason for taking away your phone. Readjust your attitude, or I’ll take it back. You just finished a punishment.” Isla’s cheeks darkened and the corners of her eyes tightened.

Mother and daughter had a stare down and neither were backing down. I knew it was tense between them with Isla’s recovery, her attitude, and her grounding, but I hadn’t seen the full evidence of it.

Isla blinked first. She rolled her eyes and muttered an angry “whatever” as she turned towards the field.

Claire wore a murderous expression, but chose to ignore Isla’s behavior. Isla crossed her arms and angled her body away from us to watch the game. It seemed things hadn’t improved at all between them even with the return of Isla’s precious phone.

I didn’t have much time to ponder on what to do about it before the whistle blew and the game started. I was riveted. Bree showed determination and passion for her sport, and worked well with her teammates. She was attentive when her coach told them their plays and focused when on the field.

She managed to score two goals by the end of the match. The game ended in 2-1. The other team was fairly good, and the players walked passed one another giving high fives. Bree murmured words to each player as she made her rounds.

The coach talked with the team afterwards and they did a team chant. All the kids left smiling and hugging one another as the coach gave them each a pat on the back before sending them on their way to us. Bree ran straight for my arms with arms held out wide.

I scooped her up and swung her around causing her to squeal loudly with an abundance of enthusiasm. “I am so proud of ye.” She beamed at me abashedly. “Not just for scoring because it isna always about making the points. Ye worked with yer team, and ye told the other members of the team good job. That’s what a true player does. Ye’re growing into a fine lass Brianna.”

Her eyes had a glassy sheen as she looked up at me. As I set her down, I heard her sniffling. I ruffled her messy hair and she shook me off as she went to her mom.

Claire kissed her fiery head and whispered something to her. Bree nodded her head and mumbled something back to her mother. Claire released her and passed her onto her sister.

“Nice job squirt!” Isla playfully shoved her sister away from her. “You kicked some major a-butt.” Claire’s ears caught part of that and she sent a sharp look to Isla.

I was focused on what she called her sister. It was funny and a bit ironic she called her sister squirt as there wasn’t much of a height difference between them anymore. Bree was quickly gaining height on her sister.

Claire handed Bree a hoodie and a different pair of shoes to replace her cleats. Then she reached into the cooler to bring out a water bottle, a bag of grapes, and a sandwich. Bree garbled her thanks to her mother through a full mouth as she dug into her food. I hid my chuckle as Claire chastised her for her lack of manners.

Isla held out her hand, and I placed the phone back into her grasp. “I want ye to interact with the world and not just your phone. Friends are important, but so is family.”

She nodded, although I’m not sure of how much she actually absorbed. Her red head was already turned downwards at her phone as her fingers began flying across the screen. She made all sorts of weird faces each time her phone dinged.

“Just ignore it, she acts like she can’t be parted with it. I’ve learned to let it slide for the most part.” Claire whispered into my ear as I continued to watch our oldest. “If you’d like, I’m taking the girls out for ice cream to celebrate, although we get ice cream anyway, win or lose, but Bree says it does taste better after a victory. Remi and Jenna will be joining, and a few of her other teammates. It’s a bit of tradition”

I debated internally. It was a crucial moment. I realized there wasn’t any decision to make. If I wanted to improve my involvement in my daughters’ lives, it was necessary to integrate myself into every moment I could because in the end, it was the moments they would remember. “Yes, I’ll come.” I was choosing to become an active member of the family, and that meant partaking in their traditions.

I obviously made the right choice as Claire’s eye lit up. “Great, you can just follow me when we leave. The kids usually eat some sort of snack before we head out for ice cream.”

Bree finished her entire sandwich, her grapes, and drank just about all of her water within minutes. She and Remi were talking and making a lot of excited gestures to one another. “I’m so happy. We won and the school barbecue is this week.” Their lips moved rapidly, I only caught snatches of their conversation. “-graded by the end of this week.”

“I think I did well... fingers crossed anyways. So that’s your dad?”

I turned and pretended to watch as other teams warmed up for their game. I didn’t want Bree to know I was listening in on her conversation, but I was more than curious about what she would say.

“Yeah, he got in on the first day of school that wasn’t really the first day, but it was.” Claire later explained to me how both girls started school on a Tuesday but it was just an opening day. The kids went and dropped off their supplies, there were assemblies, and other bonding activities, but no actual learning took place. The first official day was Wednesday when they spent time in their classrooms.

There was a pause. “How do you feel about it?” Nine year olds were clearly quite perceptive and smarter than most people gave them credit for. “Like is it good?”

My eyes darted in her direction and I watched as she shrugged uncertainly. “I don’t know. It’s different I guess. I only saw him today, Wednesday and Thursday.” A frown tugged at her lips. “I’m used to him being far away, and I don’t know how to be with him here. We had this weird family dinner with Peter, and then Peaches jumped on the table. It ended right after that. I don’t think my dad and Peter like each other.” She had caught that. I was ashamed. I thought I had hid my dislike for the other man. He was too pompous for my liking. 

“That bad?” Remi giggled a little.

Bree’s slanted eyes squinted and she wore a curious expression upon her angular face. “I don’t know. It was awkward. Peter and my dad kept sending these looks and mom kept talking like she does when she’s nervous.”

“Do you think your mom and Peter are going to break up? Like will she date your dad now?”

Bree’s eyes lowered to the ground. I watched as a single tear dripped down her face, and I felt my heart crack the slightest. I knew it had been Isla’s mission to get us back together all these years, but I never knew Bree’s feelings on the subject. She’d been less obvious about it. She was accustomed to the arrangement we had because she had never known any different. If she saw pictures of our family in the past, she didn’t know what happened or how happy we once were. They were things she couldn’t actually remember. She had stories and that was it.

Peter had been around for nearly half her life. He was familiar. I wondered if she wished he was here instead of me. “I don’t know. Everything is changing so fast. It’s confusing.”

Remi hugged her friend. It was strange to see a kid taller than Bree after realizing how tall she was in comparison to her peers. Remi was at least four inches taller. Bree pulled back and wiped her face.

“Hey dad, mind if I ride with you?” Isla asked, coming up to my side.

“Ahhh,” I jumped, surprised to find she had snuck up on me. She cackled, her eyes sparkled with mirth. I swatted at her and she laughed harder. It sounded like tiny chortles, which I would make sure to mention to her friends and potential boyfriends in the future.

“God dad, you scare so easily. That’s probably why they say it’s wrong eavesdrop.” I whistled innocently, my eyes looking anywhere but at her. “We aren’t upset you’re here. Honest!” Her eyes were earnest and glittered with truth. “You’ve always been so far, and I guess we just don’t know what to expect. Are you going to start disciplining us like mom? Will you take us to school more often? Come to school events? It’s hard to know what’s going to change and what will stay the same. Dinner Thursday was totally awkward. I don’t know why Peter was being weird. He’s really cool usually.” I wrapped my arm around her shoulder as we began walking towards my car.

She gave me a lot to consider because it was one of those things we needed to discuss. It was new for all of us, but for so long the family was just the four of us even in our separate corners of the world. Change was difficult to handle at any age, especially changes that affected all aspects of life. For children, it was harder. They didn’t always have the words to express what was happening in their brains. Isla and Bree were experts at covering their emotions.

I squeezed her to my side. “I dinna ken. We havena really talked about it.” Her face scrunched as confusion blossomed in her eyes. The shape of her eyes was like her mother’s, but the color was darker than Jenny’s. She was a perfect blend of our two families. “There’s so much we need to work on, and while part of it is how to get to a point where it’s all natural, we have to take it slowly. We have to figure out where everyone belongs.”

She peered up at me with sage eyes. Sometimes I wondered if she was really eleven, or if she was two hundred. “Why?”

“Well, I don’t want to push you guys into anything. We made bad decisions before and it cost us our family and marriage. As humans, we have a tendency for selfish actions, and we always want to protect ourselves from getting hurt. Yer mam and I weren’t in a good place to make good decisions and hurt each other a lot.”

I unlocked the door and slid into the driver seat. I recalled the days where I buckled her carefully into her car seat in the back, or when we placed her carrier onto its’ latch. Those days seemed so far ago as she sat in the passenger seat.

“So you’re better now? Kind of like when you get older, you get smarter?”

“Yes, we needed time to mature because we weren’t then. We didn’t know how to properly talk to one another and hadn’t discussed things we should have. Now, we are working on that and doing what is best for you and yer sister.”

“Huh,” she said, and I couldn’t figure out the tone of voice she used. “Do you want to be together? I mean I know you know how Brianna and I feel about it, but how do you feel about it? I don’t want you to do something because you think it’ll make us happy.”

My heart swelled with love and pride. I don’t know what I had done to help create such a selfless, thoughtful young lady. She was better than I truly deserved. She was proving to be a finer human being at almost twelve than I had been for most of my life.

I ruffled her hair, giving it a messier appearance. It looked as if she hadn’t brushed it today. “How come your hair isna perfectly coifed?”

She gave me a disgruntled look as she ran her fingers through the long, auburn locks. “If you must know, mom wouldn’t let me take a shower this morning. She said it would’ve taken too long since I got up late. Then she rushed us out the door, and I didn’t have time to grab my hairbrush. So it is what it is.” She glared at me, daring me to comment about it again. “You also changed the subject, but I’ll let it go.”

I was starting to see what Claire meant about the little attitudes they occasionally displayed. While they certainly put on a different persona for me in the summer, it was obvious they didn’t always have cheery and agreeable dispositions. Isla already showed hints of becoming a teenager with her moody, sullen like behavior. She had caught me changing the subject. For now I would get a pass, however I knew my daughter. It wouldn’t last forever.

Bree and Isla were finally showing more of who they were. They were growing comfortable in my presence and that was everything to me. It meant they weren’t worried I would disappear back to Scotland. I knew not all of their fears were gone, but I was working on it.

“Mom’s been super annoying since that dinner.” Isla informed me as we left the parking lot. “She threw up after dinner, which is so gross. She said it was food poisoning. The hospital should get better food. It couldn’t have been the Chinese since we all ate that.” She never delved into her feelings about her mother with me before as she kept the two separated for fear of hurting me.

Her eyes rolled often. I knew where she inherited it, not that I would ever tell Claire. Their similar personalities were the cause for their current troubles. “Then she like has been all on my case, especially yesterday. I left my room a mess and she was texting me when I got home about picking it up. She was out running errands, and then she was mad cause I didn’t like clean the litter box. It was Bree’s week. So it was unfair, but I wanted my phone privileges. It still sucked.”

I didn’t like her using the word suck, but I wasn’t sure there was much I could do to curb her. She had a mind of her own, and she was determined to do things her way. I had never heard her speak this much in her life. She was coming out of her shell info not of me, and I would be damned if I didn’t listen and appreciate. “All she does is write all secretively in her journal. Like if she sees us coming, she slaps it shut like I care about what she writes. It’s probably gross like what Donna wrote in her journal in Mamma Mia. No thanks,” her face pinched together as she made a yuck noise. “I mean yeah Peter’s cool, but I don’t want to hear about stuff like that.” She gagged.

I knew Mamma Mia was a movie, but I never felt inclined to watch it. I wasn’t too sure my eleven year old should be watching it either after what she told me. “What exactly is it you think yer mother writes?”

Her eyebrows lifted carefully as she regarded me as some sort of simpleton. I felt two inches tall under her gaze. She was intimidating. “Oh come on dad, I’m not dumb. I know about sex and how babies are made. I mean come on, I’m almost twelve. People talk.” What people was she talking to that spoke about sex? Did I want to know?

This was not the kind of conversation I wanted to have, so I pointedly ignored her and turned up the radio. She smirked from her seat and crossed her arms, knowing she won this particular round because if there was one subject I wanted to avoid with my daughters, it was that one. I wouldn’t touch it. I would leave it to their mother for that education.

Isla continued texting on her phone as we pulled up to the ice cream shop. She pocketed it the moment the car stopped. “Let’s go. Do you think you could take me to my piano instructor after this? I’ve got lessons from noon to two.”

“What about yer mam?”

“She’s got to go to work. Ms. Jenna is taking Bree for the afternoon. Nana will pick her up later and take her home.”

Why hadn’t Claire mentioned any of this to me? I was coming to understand that there was a lot of pre-planning well in advance. “Isn’t yer mam on call tonight?”

“Yeah, but she only works if she gets called in. She’ll probably be there all day anyway and nana will stay with us.”

I bit my tongue from commenting. I didn’t have anywhere prepared for them to stay at my apartment as of yet. While Claire did have a guest room, I wasn’t comfortable using it, not after what happened on Thursday. It put me in a tough spot. “Maybe I could watch Bree tonight after I take you to yer party at least until later.”

Isla shrugged her shoulders as she pulled open the door. “You’ll have to talk to mom who will then call nana. I mean it’s whatever to me since I’ll be at Kelly’s. Still, Bree does have a play date with Remi. She won’t call it that, but it’s what it is.” I nudged her.

I did do as Isla asked and pulled Claire aside to discuss the afternoon and evening plans. I wanted to take on a larger role, not come and go. I wanted to be the first person she asked, not a second resort when it came to the custody of my children.

Her brows were pinched together as she followed me over to another area of the shop, away from prying ears. “Why didn’t ye ask me to watch Bree tonight?”

“What?”

“I ken yer mother is watching her tonight while yer on call, so why wasn’t I asked insteed.” I tried to maintain a neutral tone, but some of my frustration seeped out.

I spotted the moment her hackles raised. I had made her defensive. “Excuse me? I’m sorry was I supposed to rearrange everything? These plans had been in the works for two weeks.” She squeezed her eyes shut and ran her hands over face. “That came out defensive, and I’m trying not to be confrontational. I get it. I do. If I had known you would be here I would’ve asked. I wouldn’t try to keep them from you. If you want, I’ll call my mother and cancel. I think she has other things she could do instead.” She made a face. I wanted to ask why, but figured I was better off not knowing.

“And I apologize for my tone. I know ye dinna do it on purpose. It’s just that I’ve barely had any time with them, granted they have been in school. Still, I want us to work out a schedule where we each get the benefit of having time with them. We dinna need the interference of lawyers or anything like that as we are capable of sitting down and talking it out. Right now, I canna have them over as I dinna have much in the way of furniture, but I would love for them to eventually spend the night at my place.”

Her face softened and she lowered her shoulders. “I hear what you’re saying. We’ve got the guest room, or there’s my couch,” her lips twitched. “You can stay with them tonight if you want. You’ll have to take Bree when you pick up Isla. My mum can still drop her off at the house as she knows where Jenna lives. Does that work for you?”

I nodded. “What time will you be home?”

“It’ll depend.” She shrugged. “Surgeons work crazy hours. Also I should apologize for the other night. Peter and I had some words.” There was a dark undercurrent of emotion in her voice. Something told me that was a conversation I wanted nothing to do with. “We’ve sort of put a hold on the engagement. He and I have things to work through and well…” her shoulders fell sadly. “It’ll be fine.” I don’t know who she was trying to convince, but it wasn’t me. “It has to be,” she murmured. It wasn’t for my ears.

“Let’s go eat some ice cream with our daughters.”

Isla stalked out of the house the minute I pulled up to the house, notifying me she had been intently waiting for my arrival. Her face was impassive as she shuffled into the car. She barely acknowledged me as she shut the door and buckled herself in. Bree remained quiet in the backseat, aware that her sister was having a moment.

She didn’t utter a single syllable the entire twenty minutes home and slammed the car door as we pulled into Claire’s driveway. Her pace was quick as she sped into the house, taking a moment to disarm the alarm, and then stormed up the stairs. The silence was punctuated by the loud slamming of her door. Bree and I winced at the sound.

“What crawled up her butt?”

“I wish I knew Bree.”

I moved to go after her to discuss her reaction and what happened at the party when Bree grabbed my arm and shook her head. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. She’s mean when she’s mad. She probably locked her door too, and it’s really better for everyone if you let her calm down.”

Everything inside of me was screaming at me to go after her, but I took a moment to pause and consider Bree’s words. She knew her sister and how she would react if I went up there after her. I hadn’t dealt with anything of this caliber in my past dealings with Isla’s moods. I was helpless. “What do I do?”

“Let her do whatever. Maybe let mommy talk to her. You don’t really know a lot about girl stuff since you’re a boy daddy.”

She had me there. When Jenny was Isla’s age, I stayed far away from her and her little friends. They were friends one moment and enemies the next. It made no sense to me. “Maybe I will let yer mam handle it.”

“We could make her some hot cocoa and bring cookies. That always makes her feel better.”

“Yer a good a sister.”

Bree looked up at me. “I’m just a sister daddy. She would do it for me.”

I followed her into the kitchen so we could start Operation: cheer up Isla.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are going to get heated soon. Obviously there's tension between Peter and Claire. I just wanted a nice, fluffy lighthearted chapter before all the real drama. We will also find out what's up with Isla too. 
> 
> To be clear CLAIRE IS NOT PREGNANT!!!!! I don’t need those sorts of complications, they would screw up my whole plot.
> 
> What's your favorite quote?
> 
> "The truth is, of course, that there is no journey, We are arriving and departing all at the same time." -David Bowie


	26. Night Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this isn't your typical chapter. It's setting the scene for what's to come.  
> Surprisingly, this took a long time. I had to think about how I wanted the conversations to happen, adjust settings on each phone, it was a lot of work. It took the better part of 4 hours, but I'm really happy about how it turned out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we will get more into the Isla situation later. As for J&C, Peter totally knows. Also if you’re confused about the order, it’s chronological.
> 
> Question: What's your favorite thing in your room?
> 
> For me, it's two things. My string lights with all of my postcards clipped to it. I love it and my friends send me postcards, so it's nice to keep them close. The other is my gold chain of moons. It has half, crescent and a full moon and hangs over my closet doorway. We won't talk about the moon thing lol


	27. It Takes Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do apologize to anyone who had difficulties with the last chapter. I know sometimes with images it can be difficult to view them on phones. But to cut to the chase for anyone who had some issues, Isla had a rough Saturday night and has sworn to get revenge on a classmate. Claire and Peter were taking some time apart, while Jamie and Claire bond over their daughter and flirt a little. 
> 
> Thanks for the positive reception to the last chapter. I was a little nervous about how it would be received as it was different from anything I had done.

**CPOV**

I was caught up in my thoughts that I missed the initial knock on my office. I frowned as I wasn’t expecting anyone. Peter left town a week ago and had kept radio silent. Through the grapevine, I heard he was back at work today, yet he hadn’t informed me of that. A feeling in my gut told me that whatever he discovered during his time away wasn’t good news.

Peter was angry with me for good reason. The end was near for us, and it hurt to think about the inevitability of it. His idea about needing time apart was the best thing for us. I hurt him and that was the last thing I wanted to do in a million years. He was a good partner, compassionate, understanding, patient, and a host of other adjectives. He never minded including my children on our dates, and made an effort to bond with them.

The break-up would affect them too. Peter and Isla were hiking buddies and were planning to explore several trails in the spring. There was talks of starting rock climbing. Those would cease the moment Peter and I finally sat down to discuss everything.

I rubbed my face in frustration. The whole week was pure hell. Isla was having an angsty teen moment. She spent all of her time locked in her bedroom, only coming out during meals where she pushed her food across her plate, muttering about how she wasn’t hungry. Bree was tight lipped about whatever was bothering her sister and it was taking a toll on her. Her under eyes were dark and puffy at breakfast before their dad picked them up for school. Isla grumbled unhappily before slipping out to finish getting ready.

Jamie and I were caught in some weird non relationship where we sort of flirted through text. It was unintentional in the beginning, but it had become a game between us.

My head snapped up when someone knocked yet again. “Come in,” I called out. I held in a gasp as Peter stepped into in the room. His hands were buried in his pockets and he refused to meet my eyes. “Hi,” I whispered.

“Hey,” he returned softly.

He stood there awkwardly and my brain was stuck trying to process his presence. Was this it? Was this the moment? Regardless of how he felt, this was four years of my life. It wasn’t a fling for me. Peter cleared his throat.

“Are you free?”

I glanced at my watch. I didn’t have a surgery for a few hours and it was my lunch break. “Yeah.”

“Mind if we go for a walk? It’s pretty nice out today.”

We strolled around the outside of the hospital. There weren’t any parks or anything like that nearby. We were silent and contemplative, each deciding what we wanted to say. Peter licked his lips several times before opening his mouth only to close it seconds later. It seemed he was at a loss for words too.

How did one do this? With Jamie, the road was clearer. We had legitimate problems that justified our divorce. Peter had been different. We rarely argued. Our problem didn’t exist until two months ago when I made an unexpected trip across the Atlantic. Then everything began to fall apart for us, and there was no stopping the avalanche. I chewed on my lip as my brow furrowed. What did I say to him? I wanted him to know he wasn’t a placeholder in my life.

“Do you want to sit?” He pointed at a bench.

I nodded although I was aware this was a terrible setting for the end of a relationship. Anyone could pass us by, but I figured it was neutral territory for both of us.

Peter sighed. “I never imagined any circumstance where this was a reality.” He started. He was nervous as he rubbed his palms on his pants. It was familiar.

“Neither did I.” I admitted. I had given up the possibility of Jamie a long time ago.

He nodded his head swallowing. “I know even if I said some harsh stuff. I guess I saw this coming when you told me about those kisses. It wasn’t the kisses themselves. It was how you tried to keep your face blank, your voice devoid of emotion as you told me about them. You’re a passionate woman. It’s one of the things I love about you.”

I turned away. “Don’t you mean loved?” He had every right to hate me for what was happening. As much as I did love him, I had reached my own conclusions about our future and they weren’t great. He wasn’t a replacement and he was what I needed at the time, but after everything over the last few months, it didn’t seem like there was much left for us. He deserved someone who wasn’t conflicted about their feelings and would choose him in an instant. Still, it didn’t negate everything I felt for him. All of that was genuine. I loved him.

“No… it’s love. I can see how you would come to that conclusion with my behavior, but I do love you. I know you love me.”

“I do.” It was the truth.

“I’ve never doubted that. What I think I doubted was whether or not it was enough.” I lowered my eyes. “You’ve been fairly upfront and honest about your past. Part of me always worried that I couldn’t be what you needed. I mean you’re Claire Fraser.”

My brows dipped in confusion. What did that even mean?

He chuckled warmly. It was very Peter of him. He was open and kind, never intentionally cruel. “I forgot who I’m talking to, the most oblivious woman on the planet.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m serious. You’ve never paid much attention to how men and even some women stare at you. You’re this confident, kick-ass woman who dominates the OR.” Heat crept up my neck.

“You’re no schmuck either.”

“Look at you!”

I nudged him. “I mean it, you’re a great guy, one of the most amazing guys I’ve ever met. I don’t want you think that there’s anything wrong with you because there’s not. You’re wonderful. I didn’t have high hopes the it came to putting myself out there again because I had two daughters and a busy career. How many guys were going to be okay with both of those? One or the other maybe, but you took it all in stride. You were patient. You never expected more than I gave, but you gave me so much in return. You made me realize that it was possible to be happy again. I had forgotten how being in a relationship could be.”

He grinned at me. His eyes were a lighter shade of green and sparkled. “That means a lot. I loved every minute with you and your daughters. I couldn’t love them more if they were my own.”

“I know. They love you too. They would be gutted if you didn’t spend the occasional day with them.” He glanced away, needing a moment. “I know maybe not right away given what’s currently happening, but I hope you know you’re still welcome. Isla loves when you go hiking or play catch, and Bree loves talking to you. You can take all the time you need to… figure things out or whatever.”

“Thank you Claire, I well I am thankful that you would still allow me to see them.”

He had been a part of their lives for too long. Four years was nothing to scoff at, and he had seen them grow into the people they were today. None of his spending time with them had been an act. He was ready to be a father figure to them upon our marriage. He loved my daughters, which was one of the reasons I loved him.

I waved off his thanks. “It’s not necessary. I would never want to take anything away from them. They love you. It’ll be different and maybe that time apart is necessary for both of us, but I hope we can remain in each other’s lives after all of this. We were friends before there was ever anything more between us, and I want to get back to that some day.”

He nodded. “I’m not ready for that… yet.” I figured given we were still in the process of breaking up. I swallowed back my guilt. “I just don’t think I can see you with-“

“We aren’t together. Nothing has happened. I would never do that to you. I couldn’t not after you know.” He did know. It was one of the reasons I was hesitant to date after forcing myself to move on from Jamie. “It would’ve been wrong especially after I accepted your ring.” Which brought us to the other focus point. I stared at the emerald, not diamond ring on my left hand. I hadn’t pictured a day where I would give it back to him.

Tears swam in my eyes, blurring my vision. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to slide it off and give it back to him. This was far from how I pictured things happening when he gave it to me in June. A sob caught in my throat as I forced myself not to cry. It wasn’t the time and would make this undoubtedly harder.

“It’s okay,” his voice was shaky. It wasn’t easy for him either. Four years was a lot of history. “I thought,” he ran a hand through his hair as his flicked around our surroundings. He wasn’t looking at me, and that way okay. I wasn’t prepared to see his anguish and misery. We were struggling to make it through as it was. “I- well to be honest- no the situation sucks all around. I wanted to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you. I think you wanted those same things, but then he came back and it all changed. You may not be ready to accept it, and even if makes me sound like a bastard that sort of makes me feel better. You don’t have it in you to intentionally hurt me and this situation was far from what you expected, but it doesn’t change what’s happening now.”

“No, it doesn’t.” I wanted to reach out and grab his hand. I was worried it would worsen things. He was in pain. I was the cause. There wasn’t a way for me to make this okay between us. The only way to fix it was time. I wasn’t particularly known for my patience. “I wish things were different. That you were…” I trailed off, not wanting to finish the thought. It was too cruel..

He finished it for me. “Enough. What you and he have whether or not you’ve acknowledged anything out loud is something we don’t. There’s a connection. You weren’t ready for him all those years ago. Now you are.” His eyes were red when I finally caught sight of them. I saw what he kept hidden from me when he first appeared in my office, and why he refused to meet my eyes when we finally sat down. He was suffering being here with me. He was in agony because this wasn’t the future he planned either. His dreams were dying and slipping through his fingers. There wasn’t anything he could do.

“You helped me. You’re right I wasn’t ready and I’m still not really ready. I’ve got a lot to sort through, and I can’t just jump into another relationship. It’s too soon for all of that.” It wasn’t like in films or books where as soon as the girl/guy dumped the person they were with, they were involved with someone else. It was romantic then, but in real life it was insensitive and the wrong move for all parties involved. “You’re not forgettable or replaceable. You make a lasting impression.”

The corner of his lips lifted slightly. It wasn’t much of a smile. That would come in time. “I hope you’ll be happy. While I wish it was me, I don’t want you miserable.”

“Neither do I, I want you to find a woman that is worthy of you. I want someone who will pick you first ever single time. You deserve that. I know you’ll find it because you’ve got the biggest heart. You’re incredibly loving and any woman would be lucky to have you.” It was difficult to determine whether my words had their intended effect. He could think this was me placating him, but I prayed he didn’t. I meant everything I said.

Before another was exchanged, my phone began to vibrate. I frowned as I rarely received calls during the middle of the day. “Hold that thought for one moment,” I pulled out my phone to find out who was calling and concern spiked through me when I saw it was Isla’s school. “Hello?” I answered immediately. I tried to hide my worry. There was no sense in panicking until I had all the facts about the situation.

“Hello, is this Mrs. Fraser?” It was Isla’s principal.

I held back a groan. “Yes.”

“This is Mrs. Davidson, the principal of your daughter Isla’s school. I’m calling as I need you to come to the school. I don’t want to tell you the situation over the phone, so would it be possible for you to come in for a meeting now?”

 _What the hell did she do?_ Isla was secretive and holed up in her room. I thought she was moping and brooding over what happened at the party. “Uh… I can be there in the next twenty or so minutes, and I can call Isla’s father and ask him to join.”

“I think that would be best. I will see you soon.”

“You too.” _Great…_ this was the last thing I needed today. “I’m sorry Peter, I’ve got to go. That was Isla’s school and I don’t know what’s going on, but I’ve got a meeting with her principal.” I gulped as I glanced down at the ring again. Slowly, I began to slide it off. It seemed like hours but was really seconds before I secured it in his grasp. “Don’t be a stranger and please find your own happiness. You’re too great of a person to give up on love.”

“It’s okay to love him. It sort of makes it all easier to bear in some masochistic way.”

I smiled sadly at him as I leaned forward to peck his cheek. “I’ll see you around.”

Without giving him a second to return the sentiment, I rushed off unable to hold back my tears. While it had gone better than I anticipated, I still felt like an asshole. Peter let me go as he was aware of what everyone else seemed to know as fact and that was I had never officially gotten over Jamie. Sure, I had moved on and pushed it all aside, but he was never completely erased from my heart or my mind. Shaking my head, I left those thoughts for later, unwilling to entertain the possibilities as of yet. It was too much for me to contemplate in that moment. It did remind me I needed to call Jamie to tell him to meet me at Isla’s school.

“Claire?” He forewent a greeting and sounded confused as to why I would call him in the middle of the day. “Is something the matter?”

“It’s Isla. She’s not hurt at least as far as I am aware. She’s at school, well duh, she’s there because she would be in a different kind of trouble if she wer-“

“Um Claire, Sassenach,” my breath caught. He hadn’t called me that in a long time. There was affection and warmth in his tone, and it made me feel all fuzzy inside. “I don’t think you called me to babble.” He chuckled.

“Right yes you are right um so Isla’s principal called me and we have to go down to the school. I don’t know what it’s all about, but it sounds serious if she’s asking for a meeting. So are you able to meet me there? It’s totally cool if you can’t.” Why was it impossible for me to hold a normal conversation with him? All I did was talk too much instead of cutting to the chase.

“My afternoon is clear. I met with the realtor earlier and don’t have any meetings until tomorrow with potential investors.”

“Great that’s great, so I’ll see you there.”

“Yeah, I’m leaving now. See you soon.” He still sounded amused, which irritated me.

Nearly half an hour later, I pulled into a spot at Isla’s school. I mentally prepared myself for the worst. My eyes were wide open to my daughter’s faults. I startled at the knock on my window and released a shaky breath at the sight of Jamie. “You scared the shit out of me. Don’t do that again,” I smacked his arm.

“Sorry, you looked lost in thought.”

“Yeah just thinking about all of the things our darling could’ve done to warrant something this serious. I’ve only had a call from the principal twice before in her entire school career. The first time was for fighting, but that involved Bree and Isla and a long discussion later about fighting, which went in one year and out the other. I mean yeah I was proud they stood up for themselves, but I can’t condone fighting either. Fists never solved a problem.”

From Jamie’s wry grin, he didn’t feel similarly. Then again, he had used his fists in his youth to even the score. “It depends on who started it.” I knew where Isla and Bree inherited that attitude.

“Yes, that was what they said when I picked them up from school. Honestly, I was more relieved that there weren’t any serious injuries. Isla had a slight sprain and Bree did get a busted lip. The other kid smacked her.”

My eyes caught sight of his clenched fists. It was one of the reasons I neglected to tell him about the incident as he would want to find out all about the other kid who hurt his children. “They turned out fine. The other child transferred schools after that year.”

He wasn’t fully appeased, but the tension did leave him. “Alright let’s go deal with our troublemaker.”

**IPOV**

I sighed when the principal pulled up my records to find my mother’s number. The call was brief, but I gathered enough to know my mom was on the way. “Alright Isla, I want you to go sit out there until your parents arrived.”

I nodded solemnly. Getting into trouble at home was one thing, but it was different when it happened at school. Disappointing my parents sucked, however they continued to see the best in me even though I didn’t always deserve it. They were great parents and I never worried about whether they loved me. It was the one thing I didn’t doubt.

What was worse was seeing the expression on the faces of my teachers and principal. They didn’t have believe the best in me and my image was bound to change after what occurred.

I tried not fidget too much as I waited apprehensively for the arrival of my mom. She was bound to have a lot of words when she discovered what happened. It had all gone too far and before I knew it was an entire thing. I had sworn to get revenge on Addie, and while that did happen, there were consequences to my actions. I fully accepted it and hated it.

A smirked formed when I considered Addie didn’t escape punishment either. Her parents had already collected her. It took time for my mother to be contacted. I thanked crappy hospital reception for the delay as I knew what was coming.

My mother stormed into the office in a haze of fury, and the only thing that would’ve been worse was if my father was with her. “Too late,” I sighed. I slumped back into the seat because this officially sucked. Instead of dealing with the anger of one parent, I now had two parents who would want explanations and punish me.

The glare she directed at me sent ice into my veins. I was in a lot of trouble. It would get worse when she discovered everything because this was a culmination of events that escalated.

I followed meekly behind my parents and took a seat on the other side of my father. He was less likely to kill me than my mother.

“I’m sorry to have called you in abruptly, but events can’t be ignored. Isla, would you like to share with your parents the reason we are?” I shrunk under her penetrating gaze. Mrs. Davidson was an intimidating woman, and I had done my best to stay out of her office. I shook my head and she sighed. “Isla and another student have been involved in an altercation. I have to suspend her.”

“Why?” My mother’s eyes narrowed dangerously, and I prepared myself for what came next. She was going to discover what I had been doing in my bedroom.

“We have a strict no fighting and no bullying policy that she and this other student violated.”

My father sensing my mother’s rising temper headed her off. It was smart of him. “What did she do exactly?”

“Your daughter has posted things online and she and this other girl have had some nasty exchanges this last week. The other girl destroyed Isla’s campaign posters, Isla retaliated by ‘accidentally’ dropping her lunch on the other girl,” my parents simultaneously turned their heads in shock. They were appalled and disappointed in what I decided to do. “Isla cut up the girl’s gym clothes and the girl snuck in and changed the names on Isla’s math test.” I gritted my teeth at the reminder. “Isla spread a rumor about the girl and the girl well… um I don’t feel comfortable about what she’s said regarding your daughter. To shorten this, she’s suspended for five days and will have to do mandatory service work upon her return to school. She’s also been removed as the team manager for our middle school field hockey team.”

My head dropped at that. “Isla,” my mother snapped. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

I kept my mouth closed. Opening it got me into more trouble.

“What exactly did she post online?”

“Do you want to show your parents?”

“Not particularly,” I grumbled as I took out my phone to open up my Twitter and Insta. I had blocked my parents from seeing my Instagram, otherwise I would’ve never gotten away with it. Addie had made her post online about me, so I had to do the same to her. It was the fastest way for it to spread.

I refused to look at either of my parents when I handed them my phone. I was smart enough not to expect it back. I had just recently gotten it back, and it would be a while if ever before I got it back.

“Isla…” my mother was speechless. She was saving it for when we were in private and she could yell at me. “I don’t know what to say. I understand that she’s going to be punished and trust me she will be dealt with at home too. This will never happen again, right?” There was a steely edge to her voice, and I wasn’t going to disagree with her. I wanted to live.

“Yes, I apologize for my poor behavior Dr. Davidson. This will never happen again. I accept the consequences of my actions and will endeavor to do better upon my return to school.” It was laying it on thick, but I did feel like crap for putting her in this position. It was never supposed to get this out of control. I got so caught up in my revenge scheme. Alyvia was right to caution me against taking action against Addie, especially given the way it all turned out, involving the school and our parents.

“I look forward to seeing you after your suspension. I also expect a five page essay about other ways in which you could’ve handled yourself without resorting to underhanded tactics.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“You can collect your backpack from your locker, and your teachers will email you about all of your schoolwork you’re expected to keep up with during your suspension.” I nodded. Dr. Davidson was fair and I honestly liked her. I was her student assistant last year, and we had gotten to know each other. I didn't want her to think that what happened was a representation of me.

I wanted to plead with her to allow me to stay the rest of the day instead of going home with someone who knew how to murder me and could make it look like an accident. I smiled apologetically at her as I followed my parents out of her office.

My mother tapped her foot as I gathered my belongings. I tried not to pay too much attention to her. I wanted to avoid the yelling phase for a lot longer than I was allowed. As soon as we were in the parking lot, she was on me.

“What were you thinking? Why would you do and say all of those things?” I shrugged, avoiding her eyes. It would all spill out if I did, and I wanted something to be within my control. “Isla that isn’t good enough. This is serious. You’re being suspended from school.”

“Yeah, I think I got that. I was in there too, mom.” I snarked.

My dad stepped between us. I didn’t know if it was smart or dumb of him to do. Bree obviously inherited his mediation skills as neither mom nor I were the type. We went for the jugular during war. “Claire,” he turned and they exchanged a silent conversation. “Isla, get in your mother’s car, while I talk to her.” He ordered. There was no please, and given his tone, it was safer for me to do as asked. I stalked off with the keys in hand and let me parents chat in the parking lot.

I waited for my prison warden wishing I had my phone to entertain me. When mom slid into the driver’s seat, she was silent. She took calm, steadying breaths, but refused to utter a single syllable to me. I was relieved that she didn’t. The car was already suffocating without us arguing and growing more frustrated with each other. After another minute, she finally started the car.

“Have you eaten?”

“No, the fight happened right before lunch and I was going to buy today.” Honesty was my best friend at the moment. I wouldn’t gain any sympathy from my mom. My dad was the weak one, and I needed to get him on my side if I were to have any chance of getting a lenient punishment.

Mom nodded. “We will stop on the way home and grab food. This isn’t a treat. It’s only because there’s not really any food, so don’t think I’m rewarding you.” I nodded.

She was freaking me out. She was subdued and not herself. Normally, she started yelling as soon as no one could hear and doling out punishments while i argued back. It was our thing. However, she said nothing and kept her focus on the road.

As I watched her, she didn’t seem happy. I mean aside from the obvious, she looked sad. Her eyes were all shiny and her eyes were pink and puffy. I was positive she was wearing make-up when she went to work, but her face was bare. Something had happened if she wasn’t going in on me.

What freaked me out the most was when she began to hysterically cry at the drive-thru. I finished ordering for us as I stared at her warily. Mom rarely cried. It was a bunch of choking sobs as tears poured down her face. I dug through her wallet in search of her debit card. I grinned at the drive-thru worker, while my eyes lingered on my mother. This wasn’t usual for her, and I was worried about what happened to cause that. While me getting in trouble was cause for concern, there was no way it warranted her reaction.

“Mom?” I called her name. She sniffled and wiped her nose with the sleeve of her jacket. I grimaced and dug through the glove compartment for tissues. “Here. I’m sorry. If I did this, I apologize.”

She shook her head, tears still falling. “It’s not you.” At my look of disbelief, she corrected herself. “It’s not only you. Peter and I called off the engagement.”

“Oh…” What could I say? It was the last thing I was expecting. Mom and Peter had dated for four years and it seemed inevitable. I would always want my parents together, however if I couldn’t have that then I wanted them to be happy. Peter made mom happy. She smiled when he was around and it was kind of gross when they kissed, but mom would light up around him. “I’m sorry.” There wasn’t much I could say.

“Yeah, it was the best for both of us. It was mutual.” Something told me it was more complicated than she said, but it wasn’t my business to pry into. “We were still talking when I got the call from your school.”

I flinched. I didn’t know what to do. Had they talked it all out? Was I an interruption? “I don’t know what to say.”

“I don’t know either Isla. Let’s just go home and we can talk then. Your dad is meeting us there.” So that was the reason for the extra order. I should have figured.

“Okay,” I agreed. It gave me a little extra time to formulate words to explain what happened.

“I can’t do much for the black eye, but we can clean your lip.”

I touched it tentatively and winced. I had mostly forgotten about it in the aftermath. “I forgot about that.”

“We will discuss it all when we get home.”

I grew tired of that response. It didn’t bode well for me.

**JPOV**

I arrived before Claire and Isla as they stopped to pick up food. I barely believed the chain of events. Isla was a good kid. For some of her difficulties, she was easy. She rarely cried as a baby. She passed over the terrible twos. It was only within the last year os so that I began to spot the changes in her as she transitioned from a little girl into something else. Not all of those changes were positive.

I let myself into the house. Claire had a key made for me in case of an emergency. At least I didn’t have to sit in my car, although it was a touch uncomfortable being alone in Claire’s house. It was another ten minutes before the duo arrived, and Isla was still alive. That was a relief.

I was afraid she had done something else to cause her mother to snap. I refrained from commenting on Claire’s appearance when I caught a glimpse of her. Her face was blotchy and her eyes rimmed red. She was crying. What was wrong? Isla shook her head at me when she caught me staring.

“Why don’t we clean your lip?”

It was then I finally noticed Isla’s ragged appearance. I hadn’t paid much attention to during the meeting, but she did have the beginning stages of a black eye and a busted lip. Her hair was knotted and her clothes rumpled. Whatever had taken place hadn’t been pleasant for either party, especially when I saw Isla’s knuckles. She gave as good as she got. It was a fine line to walk as I proud of my daughter for standing up for herself, but I couldn’t condone her actions. She had to learn other ways to control her temper and to prevent something like this from happening again.

Claire and Isla spent a few minutes in the downstairs washroom. When Isla’s face was cleaned up, we sat down to eat our lunch. It was quiet, probably for the best given the stand off I witness earlier.

I wasn’t too far off in my observations when I texted Claire that Isla was a lot like her. They had similar personalities and it often resulted in something like what happened at the school. I had to separate them. Claire was visibly upset and I had a feeling it wasn’t entirely about Isla. It wasn’t my place to ask, but I did remind her that we should get to the why’s when we had all calmed down. Anger wasn’t going to help us figure out why she did what she did.

I didn’t know who the other girl was, but Claire obviously did as she began muttering about calling parents and whatnot. I snapped her out of her little rant and her eyes widened. She took a deep breath, agreeing with me that it wasn’t the time. After seeing the evidence of her tears, I knew something else was bothering her. Isla was taking the brunt of whatever went on in that pretty head of hers, not that our daughter didn’t deserve some of it.

After finishing, we stared silently at each other, everyone unsure of how to start. It was an unfamiliar situation we had found ourselves in, and it was my first real venture into parenting a pre-teen.

“Isla, why don’t you start.”

She bobbed her head, licking her lips as her eyes darted to her mother worriedly. “Uh well… do you remember that party you picked me up from early?” I nodded as if I could forget picking up my upset daughter who locked herself in her bedroom. “It started then. Addie Parker,” Claire’s lips thinned at the name. “She spread something that day on Twitter about me and I didn’t know at first. It wasn’t until Emme told me that I had any idea. I confronted her at the party.” I vaguely recalled seeing an m&emme on her Instagram and wondered if it was the same person. “She was being all bi-passive aggressive. Everyone kept staring and whispering and that’s when I texted dad to get me.”

Her sullen mood made sense. Hearing about her social media woes made me thankful it wasn’t like that when I was her age. I cleared my throat. “When did you decide to make those posts?”

She pursed her lips and let out a breath of air. “The Twitter one was when we had gone back to school. I wanted some of the heat off of me, and I knew that there were already a lot of people who didn’t like Addie. She posted something back and then it just sort of got out of control from there.”

“What about that old picture you posted this morning? I didn’t even get a notification that you posted.”

“You didn’t?” She asked innocently. “How strange?” She was trying too hard to appear surprised.

Claire wasn’t fazed by Isla’s tiptoeing around it. Isla huffed. “Fine, I blocked you. I knew you would’ve had something to say otherwise.”

“Yer damn right we would have said something. The Internet isn’t a place for you to air all of your dirty laundry. If you’ve got a problem then you handle it without posting about it. You keep telling us you’re not a kid, but you continue to prove that you are.” Isla was shocked by my outburst. Frankly, I was too. I had never spoken to her like that. “What did this Addie do to warrant whatever has been happening at school?”

“Nothing,” she mumbled. She refused to meet our eyes.

“Canna be nothing if you went to all of this trouble.”

“Can you just drop it?” She snapped. “What does it matter now? I’m grounded without a phone, end of story.”

“Excuse me! I dinna appreciate yer tone. You dinna talk to us like that. I don’t care how upset you are. Do ye understand me?”

“Yes.”

“What was that?”

“Yes, sir.”

“So I’ll ask what one more time what did she write?”

Isla’s eyes filled with her tears as she stared down at the table. Her hands were clasped tightly in her lap. “Please don’t make me say it.”

Claire’s face softened and she gathered Isla into her arms. “Ladybug we can’t help if we don’t know the problem.”

Isla shook her head. “You’ll hate me forever. Please,” she buried her head in her mother’s neck and cried.

Claire and I exchanged worried glances over her head. Isla wasn’t normally one for tears. She cried, but it didn’t happen often. I had never seen her react to a situation like this. She was usually outspoken, but she refused to tell us what was bothering her.

Claire gently pushed Isla back, cupping her face and brushing away her tears. Isla’s tear stained face tugged on my heart. I hated seeing my daughter hurting. Whatever happened was the real issue and the reason Isla had decided to get revenge. “Isla, there is literally nothing you could do that would make me hate you. You could kill someone, which I hope you don’t ever do, but if you did, I would still love you. You’re my daughter. I loved you before I knew you and I always will.”

Isla turned to me. “I am with yer mam on this. I love you more than I could put into words. You and yer sister are my everything, and have brought immeasurable joy to my life. You make my days brighter by existing. I can’t imagine anything that would make me not love you.”

Her face was doubtful as she turned her gaze back to her mother. “Really?” Her forehead crinkled the same way Claire’s did. If it weren’t for the hair and eyes, Isla would resemble Claire a lot more than she did me.

“Of course sweetheart, now tell mummy what’s bothering you? Please.”

Isla took a few calming breaths before steeling herself. I was worried. What could be that worrisome to an eleven year old?

She licked her lips. “Addie posted on Twitter that I liked Alyvia.”

I was confused, but apparently Claire wasn’t. She pulled Isla tightly to her chest and cradled her like a bairn. “Oh my little love,” she crooned. “It’ll be alright.” Isla continued to cry while Claire rocked her. 

What was I missing? What was wrong with her liking a friend? Wait… did she like girls? Is that what had her twisted in knots this whole time? She thought we would hate her for that. I felt like a failure if my own child thought I would want nothing to do with her because of something like that. 

"Isla," I called to her softly.

She clung to her mother, but acknowledged me with a nod of her head. "I love you."

Her eyes popped open, a startling blue and there she was, my Isla. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah... Peter and Claire are no longer together. I like change in this as opposed to last time. It gives it a different feeling. Isla did get into trouble at school in the original chapter, but I fleshed it out a little more. 
> 
> What's your favorite outfit?  
> For me, I guess it depends on the season, but one outfit I can wear from late fall through early spring is my fav sweater (it's red, navy, and white), skinny jeans, and either my red converse or boots. Red is one of my signature colors.


	28. Collide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah... so some shit happens is all I have to say.

**CPOV**

Truth be told I had suspected long before this moment that Isla didn’t like boys from some of the comments she made over the years. All of the crushes she had were on girls, and I did my best to not discourage her. She was figuring it out for herself. She was oft confused about why her friends liked boys and she didn’t. We discussed a bit about how some boys liked other boys, or some girls liked other girls. We had never delved too far into, and she hadn’t asked.

I figured we would talk about it when she brought it up as opposed to me confronting her.

I brushed back her hair and pulled her face towards mine. “Can I ask you something sweetheart?” She reminded me of a caged animal as she regarded me warily. I refused to react or address it because I knew she was terrified. She hesitantly nodded. “Is it something Addie knows or she thinks?”

Isla was fixated on playing with the material of my dress. I gave her a few minutes to figure out a response, although I was fairly certain as to what her reply was. She cleared her throat. “I told her. I thought we were friends, but then she heard about something from someone and it snowballed from there. So she decided to inform everyone about my crush on Alyvia.”

There were few words I would use to describe my daughter, small wasn’t one of them. While her stature didn’t make her the tallest, her personality made her appear larger than life. At the moment, she resembled a scared little girl than an almost twelve year old. The way she curled into my lap and clung to me alerted me to how she was feeling.

I pressed my lips to her hair, rubbed her back to soothe her. “I knew already to be fair, but I never said anything to you because this is about you.”

She pulled back, confusion and unasked questions questions swirling in her bright eyes. “I don’t understand.”

“Every crush you had was on a girl. You used to draw your crush with little hearts everywhere. You told me all the time boys were gross and you never wanted to kiss them. It is true that most of that can be attributed to the whole children thinking the opposite sex is yucky, I never had that impression with you.”

Jamie sat silently. I knew Isla was most nervous about his reaction to the situation, but I couldn’t have been prouder if I tried of him. He assured her of his life regardless of whether or not she was attracted to boys. If that was the only thing she took away from this conversation then that was fine. I didn’t care. She was my daughter and I loved her.

“Oh,” she mumbled. “I didn’t really know until the end of last school year. I looked at Alyvia, and it was different. My stomach felt all funny. She was just really pretty and I was nervous to talk to her. It had never happened before.”

I was positive she had crushed on Alyvia a lot longer than she thought. She never seemed to realize how often she spoke of the girl. I found myself amused when she somehow managed to slip her into conversation.

Jamie smiled tenderly at her, affection present in his warm eyes. “It can be like that. One day, ye’re friends and then the next you look at a person, and suddenly ye dinna have any words. It was sort of like that with yer mam after we settled into being friends. I liked her, but the more I knew her, the more I liked her. I was a bumbling idiot for a time and nearly ruined our first date.”

Isla snorted. “You’re having me on. Dad, you’re like the most charming guy around. There’s no way that you struggled to talk to mom of all people.” I was sure she had insulted me. “Wait… that didn’t come out right. Mom is amazing and super smart, and yeah lots of guys would be happy to be with her because like she’s really hot on top of those other things. But you’re a great catch too, so I don’t understand how you could be so nervous. You’re handsome, smart, know a few languages, and you’re you.”

“Ahh there’s my sweet girl,” I planted a few kisses on her cheek. “I thought I would never see you again.”

“Mama,” she laughed as she wiped her face. “Ugh, you’re so annoying.” I didn’t take it personally as there was a giant smile adorning her face.

Jamie was bemused at Isla’s little rant. The fond smile on his lips told me he thought her rambling was adorable. He kept telling me Isla took a lot after me, and it was hard not to see how he arrived at that.

“You’re still ye. Whether or no’ ye like boys or girls isn’t any of our business. All yer mam and I care about is whether they treat ye well and that ye’re happy.”

Isla leaned back into my chest, tucking her head under my chin as she had done her entire life. “Thanks dad,” her voice was choked up. Our support meant a lot to her. “I didn’t know how to tell you guys. What if you hated me?”

Jamie moved closer and took a seat in Isla’s vacant chair. He grasped Isla’s hands. “There is absolutely nothing and I mean nothing that ye could do that I would hate you. Being a parent isn’t a temporary job. It is forever. Those parents who turn their kids away because of who they love, dinna ken what they’re missing out on. This doesna define ye. ’Tis but a small part of who you are. It’s not even going to be the most important of the person ye become. I want ye to remember that.”

I felt the motion of her head as she agreed to her father’s request. Watching Jamie with Isla softened my heart. He was gentle and reassuring. He understood what she needed even if she herself was unsure. The way he looked at her like she was everything nearly did me in. He was open, honest, and loving, so very loving.

“However, ye were right earlier in yer assessment about yer punishment. Ye willna have a phone until yer mother and I agree on when it should be returned.” Isla stiffened in my embrace and lifted her head towards me. I nodded at her and pointed back to her father. He had a good handle on this, and I enjoyed watching him. “Ye’re grounded for a month. If ye hadn’t recently come off punishment, I might have been persuaded to be lenient. There will be no Netflix, television, or anything like that until ye’re grounding is over.” _Please let him have rooms set up for them soon_ , I pleaded. I loved my daughters, but Jamie hadn’t dealt with Isla when she was bored. “Ye can play yer instruments, read a book, do schoolwork, but there will be no use of electronics. Do ye understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I understand the girl hurt ye, but do ye really want to sink to her level? Do you want people to think this is the type of person ye are? Someone who insults someone else online in a backhanded way.”

Isla dropped her head, and I knew she hadn’t thought out everything. If I knew Isla the only thing she would’ve considered when she decided to retaliate were the direct consequences of her actions. She hadn’t thought how people would perceive her after this. “I didn’t think about it.” That was obvious. “I was focused on getting back at her. I don’t want people to think I’m just like her though. Do you think they will?” Some days Isla reminded me of the little girl who was unsure about everything. The little girl who looked to me for all the answers to her questions.

“I canna say. While ye may get a short term thrill from writing those things and having people like it, how do ye think it will make ye feel in the long term?”

It hit me in that moment that this was what we had missed. We never had the opportunity to parent together. These were the times where we should’ve presented a singular front, but we hadn’t. Any issues we had on our own, we handled without consulting the other. There was only a single case where we hadn’t.

Isla slipped her hand into mine. I hid my pleasure that she still sought comfort from me after all this time. We had our difficulties, but she wanted me. I was a source of protection. “Not good. I don’t immediately feel bad, but later after I’ve done something mean, it feels terrible.”

“I canna stop ye from making yer own life choices because those are yours. Ye have to make mistakes if ye’re going to learn, and I’m not here to condemn you either. I just want ye to think in the future about the type of person you want to be. Take a minute to consider how yer actions will affect that. Now, I think ye should go up to yer room.”

I kissed her head again with a whispered ‘I love you’. Jamie pulled her close and shared his own feelings. We were on the same page about affirming our love, but reminding her that she would suffer the consequences of her actions.

For the first time in ages, Isla didn’t stomp or rush up the stairs. There wasn’t any aggressive slamming of her bedroom door or loud music blasting from her bedroom. Then again, she knew it would add to the duration of her punishment.

I sank back into my chair. “I’m exhausted.”

Jamie seemed dazed. He was processing everything that happened this afternoon. “Did ye really know?”

“Yeah… I had some idea. I figured when she got older we would talk about it when she wanted to.”

“I dinna ken.”

“To be honest, it’s not that unusual. A lot of parents have no idea until their kids tell them. If not for this incident, I imagine she would’ve kept this to herself for some time. She’s always kept things like that private.” I supposed that was something else she learned from me.

“Yeah,” he said wistfully.

“I’ve got to be back at the hospital in an hour. Do you want to go look at the clouds until then?”

His lips tipped up into a genuine Jamie smile. It was blinding like the sun. “Why no’?” He shrugged.

When we dated, we didn’t always go on dates to the cinema or a restaurant. Sometimes we went to the park, laid out a blanket, and stared up at the sky. We would watch the clouds and argue about the shapes. We talked about anything and everything, or we didn’t say anything at all.

I grabbed a blanket from the basket and he followed me to the terrace. I found a spot far enough from the trees and my garden for us to lay. It was the closest I had been to him since our time in Scotland. I could feel the heat emanating off his skin. My own buzzed in anticipation.

I was aware of how close his fingers were to mine, how I could reach over and entwine them with my own. I was tempted to close the distance, despite the fact I wasn’t clear about where I was, emotionally and mentally, not physically. I had just gotten out of a relationship a bit over an hour ago wasn’t prepared to start a new/old one. So I left my fingers where they were.

“We haven’t done this in years.” He sighed as his gaze fixated on the sky above. “I see a dandelion blowing in the wind.”

I scoffed at him. “That is not a dandelion. It’s a pinwheel.”

He lifted his head to stare at me like I was the insane one. “Are ye blind?”

“No, I think you’re the one filling in that position.”

His head moved back onto the blanket. “That one there is a little, old lady with an umbrella.”

“Oh for sure I’m the one with terrible vision. That one over there is a rocket ship.”

“I missed this.”

I swallowed back my feelings. I didn’t want to confuse him further. The last thing I wanted to do was to play around with his affections. “I did too. The girls don’t really like to watch the clouds with me. They think it’s boring.”

His fingers inched closer. Mine twitched in response. Part of me, a large part of me wanted him to reach over and hold my hand. “What do they know? Isla, thinks that _Teenage Dirtbag_ is music.”

“You’ve been inducted into the club.” I cackled. “She loves that song for some unknown reason. She literally blasts it at every opportunity. She also knows it annoys me.”

“I am no’ sure ye can take the moral high ground. Ye did have Spice Girls posters in yer bedroom and went to see them on tour twice.”

I bumped his shoulder. “We don’t talk about that. I keep your secrets.”

“There’s no one here to listen.” He whispered. “Is that a smile I hear?”

“What?! No, of course not.”

He flipped over and caught me. “Ha, I knew it.”

I laughed at him. “You’re so ridiculous.”

“What happened to charming, empathetic, ridiculously handsome-“

“I wasn’t aware of that last one. When did I say that?” He thought he was cute.

“I am cute.”

Oh shit, I said that out loud. “No you only think you are.”

The grin on his face widened, the smug bastard. “I think ye think I am cute too.”

I shook my head, turning on my side. “I don’t recall saying anything of the sort. I think you’re getting confused in your old age.”

“My old age?” He reared back, laughing happily. “Ye’re the one who is seven months older than me.”

“How dare you? I know you were taught better than to comment on a lady’s age.” Fuck, we were flirting. How did we continue to fall into this habit? He made it easy and lighthearted. It barely registered that’s what was happening.

“You, Sassenach are no lady.”

I scooted forward. “Then what am I?”

He licked his lips as his eyes briefly flitted to my lips. “You’re all woman.”

I closed the distance between us. Our lips mere breaths apart, I waited for him to give me a signal. I wouldn’t do anything if he didn’t want it. He made the decision by pulling my head forward and claiming my mouth. His lips were hot and rough on my own as teeth and tongues collided. He wasn’t tentative but firm as he pressed his lips to mine. His hands buried themselves in my hair as he rolled onto me. My head thumped onto the ground, but before I had a second to react, his lips were back on mine.

My skin was on fire because he was everywhere. A wild flush covered me from the overwhelming heat of him pressed into my body. I could feel the incessant press of his growing arousal. “Oh god,” I moaned. It felt so good. His hands captured mine, tangling our fingers together as he outstretched our arms above our heads.

“Jamie,” I whispered, desire running wild as I craved his touch. I wanted to run my fingers over his taut muscles, feel the warmth of his chest.

My legs involuntarily wrapped around his waist and I could feel him right there. A rush of desire flooded through me as he pressed harder. “Ahh.” His breaths were short pants, matching my own. As he moved forward, the bulge in his pants pressed right against my center, sending me flying. I needed him.

“Fuck,” I moaned as he repeated the action again and again. A breathy whine escaped him causing me to bite my lip. This was too good, almost too much, but I was burning for him.

“Yes Claire,” he groaned as he moved against me. I released his hands to wrap my arms around his back, wanting to feel him closer. His hips rocked against mine, and the friction sent electric pulses of desire through me.

His lips covered mine again as he angled his head to deepen the kiss. His tongue darted out to tease and lick. My hands gripped his hair. “Jamie,” I rasped. “Please.” His mouth opened instantly to mine and I sunk my tongue into his mouth. Our combined gasps and moans are barely heard over the sounds outside, but are music to my ears.

Jamie’s hands made themselves known and were literally everywhere. I had forgotten in all of the years the memory of his touch, how it made me feel, how we were together. It was everything I remembered and better. I nipped at his lips as his hips ground down. His fingers trailed over my dress, exploring familiar terrain. I gasped when they brushed the underside of my breasts, moving down to my ribs before darting back up. He followed the gentle swell and oh god, they were so sensitive. They craved his touch.

His thumbs swirled over my hardening nipples. “Sorcha,” he moaned.

I cried out, letting myself feel him, to exist in this moment. So he did it again, harder.

I whimpered against his lips, shivering. I was under his spell. I can feel it. My nipples tightened and I mewl helplessly, needing something, anything to end this tantalizing agony. I kissed him more fiercely.

His mouth swallowed all of the little noises I made as he rockets into me. My lungs burn with need for oxygen, but I can’t pull away. My nails dragged down his back and he shuddered. His body was a live wire of desire and want for me. I was doing this to him. His hips jerked forward, rubbing right where I needed him.

“So good,” I cried out wantonly. “More,” I begged.

He wrenched his mouth away and I made a keening sound, but before any words could be exchanged, his lips were sucking and nipping at my neck. “Mhm,” he whispered.

My lips pulsed in time with my heartbeat as his lips found my pulse point. His grip on my waist tightened as we both felt it. It was coming, we were near the precipice. His fingers slipped between my legs and my eyes slammed shut. They danced over my sensitive skin, sliding upward until he slipped them through. My body jerked and pleasure shot straight to my core.

Opening my eyes, I found his face above mine. His pupils were dilated and his eyes the darkest blue as he stared down at me. There was a mix of emotions, too many for me to name swirling in his depths. His fingers pressed forward, and I cry out desperately for more, always for more. My hand joined his as his I guided him, increasing the eroticism of the moment.

**JPOV**

She’s so hot under me. Her body was responsive and moving in tandem with my own. As she rocked against me, I couldn’t help the breathy moans that escaped me. My lungs were desperate for air, but I refused to indulge in any other need, except my need for her.

She’s so sensitive, her legs spread open, and I can’t help but enjoy the moment, knowing it was me that was touching her, me, she was urging on. Her eyes never left mine as I pushed against her wet sex, increasing the pressure. There was something empowering about this, knowing I had full control over her. She was giving this to me. My fingers slid right over her clit as her hips rock upwards and her eyes fluttered shut. She was quickly losing control and I loved it.

I curled my fingers as I slipped them through her clenching entrance. Her eyes shoot open, dark, nearly black with desire. She gasped, her walls tightening around my fingers. “That’s right baby.” I began to move my hand, testing her, watching her. My thumb circles her clit and she quickly loses it.

“Right there, right there,” she cried out. I hoped there wasn’t anyone out who could hear us. It was as if we were in our own little bubble, away from the rest of the world.

Claire gripped my hand and grinds down. She’s so wet and needy and mine. Her eyes never leave mine as her hips rock up again. There was a vulnerability there, something I hadn’t seen since Paris. She was baring it all to me, allowing me to see it all even the things I knew she couldn’t express in words just yet. It was intimate and intense. I increased my pressure.

Her silky walls clung to my fingers, wrapping them tight in their embrace. She was a quivering mass of want. Her back arched, her hips moved faster, and I met her thrust for thrust.

I could feel how close she was. “Almost there,” I whispered against her slick skin. Her thighs began to tremble from the intensity of her building orgasm.

Her walls began to flutter as she gasped loudly begging me to continue over and over just as she reached her peak. The sight of her left me breathless. She was beautiful.

It all hit me. The smell of her garden, the sounds of cars coming down the street, a bird chirping in the tree, the feel of her soft skin, and for a moment time was suspended.

With a breathless scream, she came, soaking my handed with her juices. I watched her face, the delicate flush covering her cheeks, the way her chest rose eagerly for breath. Her eyes were shut in complete bliss, and I waited.

I pressed a kiss to her face, my lips lingering on her dampened skin. That actually happened. A disbelieving laugh escaped me.

“Wow,” she murmured, her eyes opening, revealing her golden orbs filled with so much love. She was radiant, glowing in the aftermath of her orgasm. “That was… yeah wow.” She was speechless. I had done that to her.

I pressed my forehead against hers, our noses brushing as we stared at one another, coming down from our highs.

“Hi,” I whispered, unable to believe that it was real. I had thought that intimacy between us would never happen again, that Paris was unknowingly our last time forever.

“Hi.” The beeping of Claire’s phone returned us to reality. “Shit, I forgot. I’ve got to go to work. Fuck,” I scrambled off of her as she pushed herself up. Our heads bumped. “Ow, damnit, not you Jamie, sorry I’m just yeah, um we will uh undoubtedly talk about all of this,” she waved her hands around “later, yeah later, um so I’ve got to go save lives and all that, so I’ll see you later. Definitely later.” And then she was gone.

I laughed. Because what the hell was all that? Why had she given in like that? But there was also that adorable rambling of hers. She was flustered by me.

I dusted myself off and shook out the blanket. It was definitely not going back into the basket after what we just did. From the back garden, I could hear Claire as she pulled out of the driveway. We would definitely be discussing what transpired later if I had anything to say about it. Claire had disappeared before anything could be said and it was perhaps for the best given that we were unable to control ourselves. It was easy like breathing falling back into that with her. I didn’t have to think. My body just knew. 

That was just wow, unexpected to say the least. I sank into the sofa after handling the blanket, my mind blanking and drifting somewhere else. Truth be told, it was still there in that moment where Claire let go and something beautiful happened.

“Um dad, why do your lips look like all swollen?”

“What?” My eyes popped open to find Isla standing in the archway, a glass of water in her hand, staring at me with a curious look upon her young face.

“Your lips look like they were stung by a bee or something, and you’re all disheveled.” She wrinkled her nose. How did she even know that word? “You also look sweaty and your skin is kind of red. Are you sick?”

I chuckled. Bless her sweet soul for still being innocent enough to not recognize the signs. “Um… I’m just a little heated at the moment.”

Her eyes narrowed dangerously as she stepped further into the room. “Funny because I saw mom. She kind of looked the same too. It must be going around. I mean I didn’t know the back yard was so…” There was a giant Grinch like smirk plastered on her face. “Contagious.”

She was a wee little shit. Perhaps, she wasn’t as oblivious as I assumed. We would need to talk about that, actually I would leave that to Claire. I refused to address that at all with either of my daughters. It wasn’t going to happen. “Oh be gone with ye, ye wicked little devil” I could hear her snickers echoing throughout the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to uh... yeah take my leave now. See ya guys Sunday ✌️ 
> 
> What's your favorite animal?  
> Giraffe


	29. Today and Tomorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We won't discuss that I totally said Sunday. This pulls a flashback from a way later chapter like 20 chapters away in the original, but I thought it fit perfectly.

> With you, intimacy colours my voice.  
> even ‘hello’ sounds like ‘come here'.

-Warsan Shire

* * *

**CPOV**

Holy shit! That actually happened. I ran my fingers through my hair while waiting for the light to turn. Two hours!!! That was all it took before things were out of control and hormones got in the way.

It wasn’t my intention for what occurred in my backyard to happen. We hadn’t talked about anything. He didn’t know my engagement was over. There was way too much going on for me to properly explain everything. I could attribute whatever that was to… well I don’t know because at the moment I could barely string a sentence together.

He had penetrated the walls I had fortified to keep him out. Damnit, I wasn’t thinking like this on purpose because penetrate made me think about what he did to me. He managed to slip in, not slip in me, no I guess he did since there were fingers and that counted, right? I shook my head to clear it as that was not the direction my thoughts should be going. I needed to focus. I had a surgery and I should mentally prepare myself instead of daydreaming about the feel of his body against mine, the way his lips… no stop it Claire.

I was screwed. I had done the exact opposite of what I vowed to myself when Peter and I ended things. I wasn’t going to jump from one relationship to the next. I needed time to think and take stock before that was a possibility, except then Jamie and I decided to round a few bases in my backyard during the middle of the day. I sent up a prayer, hoping that Isla hadn’t seen anything. It was one conversation I wanted to avoid for multiple reasons.

There was a reason I was justified in my concern about my mental state. I had managed to arrive at the hospital in my dazed state. I hardly recalled the drive. This was going to become a thing. “Fuck,” I muttered. “Pull yourself together. Don’t think about him or the feel of his rippling muscles, shit, damnit, stop it.”

It was like opening Pandora’s box. There was no closing it.

I managed to keep my composure as I strolled through the hospital. There were a lot of curious, sympathetic, and pitiful glances in my direction, but I did my best to ignore it. It didn’t take long before the rumor mill knew that Peter and I were no longer together. I was baffled at how they seemed to always know the full details of what happened. Peter and I weren’t necessarily discreet about our location, but neither of us had noticed anyone lurking nearby. Peter wouldn’t share anything. He valued his privacy far too much and despised gossip.

So someone was eavesdropping. My residents better swear to every deity that it wasn’t one of them because I would find a way to make their lives a living hell. “Hey Claire-bear,” oh fuck, it was one of Mel’s days at the hospital.

I swiveled on my heel, nearly toppling over her to face her. She was amused by my over the top reaction. “Everything okay?”

“What?”

“You just seem really pensive and kind of jumpy. You’ve got that paranoid everyone’s talking about me look.”

“No, I’m totally fine, I mean well my relationship is over and yeah that’s- I haven’t fully processed it, and the hospital knows. All the stupid looks people keep sending ugh if I hadn’t taken the Hippocratic oath, I would be strangling everyone. And Peter will probably never talk to me again. So that sucks. Isla did get suspended. Other than all of that everything is perfectly okay.”

Her mouth fell open. She didn’t know where to start. “Um okay, I don’t know what to touch on first. You and Peter, you okay?”

I shrugged. “It happened a few hours ago. It was mutual, but it does still hurt like hell.”

“Is it because of you know…” she trailed off. I could infer well enough to know what she was implying. I nodded. “Oh, I’m sorry honey.” She pulled me in close. I sank into her hug, taking a moment to mourn. The rest of my tears were reserved for when I was alone in my bedroom and had the opportunity to cry freely. “Also it might benefit you to turn down the violent tendencies.” She teased me. I shoved her, pulling away from her embrace. I didn’t need more fodder for the gossip chain. We moved into my office as I needed to check my tablet before heading down to scrub in.

“Claire?”

“Hmm?” I replied absentmindedly, not glancing up. If I had, I would’ve noticed the way her eyes zeroed in on my neck.

“What the hell is that?”

My head snapped up in surprise at her tone. “What?”

“That on your neck,” she gestured.

My eyes widened and I rushed around my desk to the mirror. I was going to murder him. I hadn’t paid much attention when it was happening, too preoccupied with how it felt at the time, but he had left marks. “Fucking bastard.”

“Who? You said you and Peter broke up. Don’t tell me you guys had break-up sex because that’s asking for trouble.”

This was infinitely worse than break-up sex. An intimate encounter with an ex not long after getting out of a lengthy relationship, there weren’t too many explanations for that. “It’s nothing. I burned myself with my curling wand.” I closed my eyes as the excuse crossed my lips. I hadn’t curled my hair that day.

“Your hair is straight, a little messy, but definitely not curly.” I saw the moment it dawned on her what transpired. “Oh Claire, tell me you didn’t?”

“Didn’t have sex if that’s what you mean,” I scoffed at the insinuation, although third base was basically sex.

“You let him get to third base?!”

Where the hell was my filter? Everything kept spilling out. I exhaled slowly, taking a second to gather my wits about me. I didn’t have the time for a full conversation. However, I had to give her something. “Yes?”

“It’s a yes or a no, you don’t sound very sure.”

I rolled my eyes at her. I already had a mother. “Yes, we got to third base, but it wasn’t intentional. I wasn’t like waiting for Peter and I to break up so that I could move onto Jamie. We were cloud watching. It was something we did when we- never mind that’s not important, but we got caught up in everything. One minute we are joking, maybe even flirting, then the next his lips were on mine and it was-“

She covered my mouth. “Ugh, I don’t need all the gross details. You’re like my sister and while I love you, there are some things I just don’t want to know.”

“I listened to you talk about Callie. Actually, I listened as you mooned over her.”

“Oh whatever, you know you loved it.”

“I don’t want to sound disrespectful to Peter because what we had was great and he was a good lover, but with Jamie it was like all my nerves were ending. I burned for him and his touch was scorching.”

“Are you sure it wasn’t the sun?”

“Oh yeah, it definitely wasn’t the sun.”

“Stop looking like that. It’s creepy and gross.”

“Like what?”

“You’ve got heart eyes and the biggest smirk ever. I don’t want to know anymore. You might want to tone that down unless you want the vipers around here to go sniffing for a scoop. Do you have any make-up so we can cover that up?”

“I have concealer in my purse.”

With Mel’s help we covered up the purple bruises marring my skin. “It’s like he mauled you. Is he a vampire? Jesus,” she said as she finished blending in the last of it. “And this took place in your backyard? I mean I never pegged you for an exhibitionist.”

“I would hardly classify it as exhibitionism given my backyard is fenced in. Isla was in her bedroom at the time, so there was no way she saw anything. Her window overlooks the front of the house and she was probably moping in bed anyway after Jamie grounded her.”

“Jamie grounded her? I’m surprised and very proud. I thought for sure Isla would be able to talk herself out of punishment with her dad. He seems like a softie.”

“I think it’s a little harder when there’s physical evidence and your kid has been suspended for a week.”

“Fair point,” she conceded. “If you ever need me to talk to her about things, I’m here.”

“Thanks. She knows we love her and that’s what is important. I didn’t want an incident like what happened with your mother.” Mel and her mother had a tempestuous relationship before she came out, and it only worsened when she told her mother she was attracted to women. She and her mother didn’t talk for years. It wasn’t until Callie encouraged her prior to the wedding to attempt to bridge the gap. It wasn’t perfect, but they did talk. They were still working on it years later, but neither of them was pulling away. It was progress.

Her face darkened at the reminder. “Yeah then again you never left the parenting to nannies and you sure as hell wouldn’t tell your kid that you didn’t know how you could’ve failed them because they were gay.” I felt terrible for mentioning it. “It’s fine. It’s in the past and it’s really not so bad these days. Isla knows how lucky she is. You can trust me on that.”

“I would love to stay and chat, but I do have surgery. Maybe we can get dinner later.” I had an ulterior motive. The sooner we addressed it, then there was a decreased likelihood she would bring it up again. And the truth was despite the indisputable fact that I had just ended a long term relationship earlier that day, part of my heart was still Jamie’s. It had never been mine to give away. And I did need someone to talk to, to assist with the warring parts of my brain and heart.

* * *

Hours later, I settled wearily into a chair across from Joe and Mel. “Oh there’s no need to look at me like that. I’ve come to realize a lot of things.”

Their faces remained impassive as they simultaneously said “oh”. Joe’s came off more inquisitive, while Mel’s barely contained her excitement.

I chuckled and it turned into a smile. It felt good to smile, to let myself be happy for something without worrying and tying myself into knots. “I love him.”

They began to laugh. I would’ve been insulted if I didn’t feel their absolute joy. “Tell us something we didn’t know,” Mel giggled.

“Yeah, I’ve been digging my heels lately, but I’ve accepted that maybe some things never really change. We bury truths deep down because we’re scared. I’m scared, literally the piss my pants kind of scared. I ruin a lot of things for myself. I always have. I self-sabotage, but this is one time where I really don’t want to.”

Joe smiled and reached over to cover my hand. “I’m proud of you. You’ve got to be one of the most stubborn people I’ve ever met in my life. Once you’ve set your mind, it’s hard to change it. You’re evolving and for the first time not getting in your own way.”

“I don’t know what it’ll all mean when I talk to Jamie later,” my lips twitched. Later, how many times had I said the word? I didn’t want Jamie to think I was dismissing it. I was setting it aside for a time where we could sit down and properly talk about what transpired. I really wanted to finally address the elephant in the room, the one that had been standing there since we reunited in Scotland. I swirled the wine in my glass. “I am going to be honest. I can’t start anything right this minute. I need a breather from relationships. I want to give him everything and right now he isn’t the only one occupying my mind.”

“That’s okay. I think he’ll wait. He doesn’t strike me as the type of man who lets go of something a third time.”

“Ahh yes, the infamous break-up of 2003. God, I haven’t thought about it in literal ages.”

Joe quirked a brow. I forgot he wasn’t there for one of my drunken sob stories. Mel kicked me under the table, a huge grin plastered on her face. “She’s never told you?” Her face brimming with excitement. “Jamie and Claire broke up during their uni days, and Miss Grumpypants over there has been stubborn since the day she was born. I mean she’s about as dense as they come, but by some Christmas miracle-“

“You’ve really got to stop saying shit like that. It makes us sound like we are some Hallmark movie couple. That couldn’t be further from the truth.”

“I don’t know Claire. There is something epic here. I mean you and Jamie were separated for years, had a sordid affair-“

“I’d hardly call it that. We weren’t involved with-“

“Not the point. You reunited under tragic circumstances. Then he comes after you, refusing to let you walk away. You’re scared and hide yourself in your relationship. Sounds very Hallmark to me.” Joe was teasing. His dark eyes twinkled merrily at the fun he was having at my expense.”

“You both suck,” I laughed. “I hate you.”

“No, you don’t.” They said.

“You’re right.”

“Now tell me about this break-up.”

“Why are we still on the subject of my love life?”

“It’s entertaining. Your life is like this massive saga.” I glowered at him. “Come on, I lost a patient today. Can’t you give a guy some hope?” I rolled my eyes.

“Okay fine,” I gave in. “Why not? It’s hard to know where to start and if either of you says at the beginning, I’ll hit both of you.”

“So violent, are we sure she said the Hippocratic Oath?”

“I was there, but maybe she just mouthed it.”

“Do you want to hear it? Okay, maybe I’ll start with us actually breaking up. Uni was an experience. While we had different friends and interests before, it was never as apparent as when we were in university pursuing our ambitions. We barely had time for each other and this was on both of us. It didn’t help I had one foot out the door already, waiting for the day that Jamie realized he could do better than me. Stop before for you say anything, I know. I’ve always been a glass half empty, and I’ve been working on it. Anyway, we broke up.”

_Winter 2003_

_“Happy Christmas Claire, I’ll see you when I get back.” I smiled thinly at her, but it failed to reach my eyes. “Cheer up, it gets easier.”_

_Her own held a deep sympathy for me as she rolled her suitcase out of our shared flat. Sarah meant well and we definitely got on much better in my post break-up haze than we had in the past. She was nursing her own broken heart after her boyfriend of three years cheated on her over the summer holidays. We bonded and I discovered she had my back._

_While we didn’t have the same issues in our relationships, we knew what it felt to have your heart ripped out of your chest. The first day I cried the hardest and was hardly coherent enough over my streams of endless tears and over the top histrionics so she poured a glass of whiskey._

_“You’ll survive this Claire,” her voice confident as she passed the glass to me. “You’ll come out on the end stronger than you were.”_

_We made a toast to ambitious women and we possibly burned a few of his things in our fire place._

_It was cathartic then I saw the ashes the following morning, the sight of it along with my pounding skull brought forth a complete cry fest._

_I wanted to call him and apologize profusely for my part, but then ran over his words in my head. If he couldn’t accept me with all of my flaws then he didn’t deserve me. I was human and entirely fallible to the human condition. I was also stubborn. I refused to make the first move._

_He accused me of all these things. I knew it was his newfound friends at the London School of Economics and Political Science. We hadn’t entirely made a connection when he introduced all of us. We had little to anything in common and the things they talked about, I had little to no knowledge about._

_We didn’t regularly see each other as there was a half hour commute between us, and neither of us felt willing to move in together. I wasn’t sure it was the right decision, and now I knew we would’ve fizzled out much sooner if we had lived with one another. We were so different and in the beginning that was the best part. We had some similar interests, but we also had many that were our own. It was mesmerizing listening to him speak about his Scottish heritage, or his affinity for American comic books. I loved when he professed his love for me in different languages, how his tongue curled over the vowels, or how his lips caressed each word. He had a more optimistic outlook on life, while I wasn’t necessarily pessimistic, I was more cautious in nature._

_Fairytale endings were for books and film, and in real life, happiness was something you fought to achieve. When the door clicked, I sunk further into the couch with a blanket wrapped tightly around me as I had taken to doing in my spare time._

_It didn’t accomplish anything, but it certainly made me feel better. I played sad songs from Yesterday by The Beatles to All By Myself, the Celine Dion version. I was in quite a sad state. It bordered and then crossed pathetic several days prior, but I wasn’t in any hurry to alter my position. I wanted to live in my misery. I reveled in it and perhaps in my heart, I believed I deserved it._

_I eventually went to the one place where I knew I would always find love._

_The door opened and I fell into her waiting arms. My mother had moved outside of the city of London when Tom left for uni. He was in the south of France and putting his French skills to good use, and it wasn’t his language abilities that were benefitting. I wouldn’t tell my mother that. I was certain she suspected._

_My mother was in Margate now as she mostly resided in the city for us. Her flat was downsized to one bedroom as Tom had his own place in France and I moved my belongings with me to my flat or donated what I didn’t want to charity. She kept a few of our things, but she had wanted something smaller and to discourage us from moving back as she joked._

_Her building was red brick and most of the buildings in the area belonged to a different era entirely. They were of the Victorian and Georgian variety. “Come in love, I’ve made tea.”_

_Despite the occasional difficulties in our relationship, primarily from having too many similar traits, my mother was my everything. She stepped up in the aftermath of my father’s death instead of wallowing in her widowed status. As far as I knew, she hadn’t dated anyone seriously, not that I was particularly bothered. I could only picture her with my father and maybe that was unfair._

_It occurred to me as I glanced around the flat, she was lonely. She was a woman approaching her forties and still had so much ahead of her. We sat at the table with our hands loosely wrapped around our mugs._

_Neither of us felt compelled to fill the silence with words, instead we stared at the swirling depths of our tea. “Mum?” The hollow, cracked sound of my voice rang in my ears. The emotion seeped out of me as the days continued in front of me as I always seemed behind._

_Her brown eyes while the same as mine were vastly different. They were softer in a way mine hadn’t achieved since childhood. There was so much compassion in the golden flecks as she regarded me._

_Her face was younger than that of most of my school mates’ parents. It never occurred to me until I was a fair bit older why some of the parents stared with open hostility. Their faces and eyes burned with their judgment, but my mother always ignored it and rose above their pettiness._

_“Darling, what is it?” Her hands were warm and smooth. They were tender and I practically felt the love flowing from them as she covered mine. They reminded me of easier times. She was my home._

_I chewed on my lower lip as I tried to think of the proper words. I didn’t want to offend her. “Why are you alone?” I blurted out, a flush crawled up neck at my thoughtlessness. “Oh bollocks, mum you don’t have to answer. I hadn’t meant to ask like that. I’m mucking the entire thing up. Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ. You would think after all these years I would know how to have a proper conversation with sounding like an idiot, but I can’t even seem to do that.” I snatched my hands back and worked them through my wild mane._

_I hadn’t brushed my hair in sometime and it was primarily knots and furls these days as bathing was barely a priority. I had managed to shower prior to leaving the city today, but it was half- arsed if anything._

_My mum sighed sadly and I thought it was about her own situation when I realized her eyes were fixed upon me in my sad state. “Claire, it always surprised me how such an open child changed into someone with a coeur fermé.” I swallowed back a bit of bile as I heard the pity in her voice. “I’ve watched over the years how you push everyone out of your life. You didn’t really say much about what happened with you and Jamie, only that you’ve ‘terminated’ the relationship.” I wasn’t aware my mother knew how to do finger quotes._

_I sensed her curiosity, but she wasn’t someone who pried either. She allowed me the illusion of privacy. I knew her manipulations and still fell into her trap. “I don’t know what you want me to say mum. Much like you, Jamie thinks I’ve got no heart. Perhaps it’s true, and I’m an unfeeling creature, unable or maybe even unwilling to feel emotion. Is that what you want me to say?” I hadn’t meant for the hostility in my tone, but I had moved on from the grief stage into the anger stage. I needed someone to rage at and since the person it was directed at wasn’t near, I had to focus on someone else. My mother became my next target. It was irrational and unfair. “What about you? You’ve been single for almost sixteen years, and you’ve no right to lecture me on how I handle my affairs when you continue to choose a solitary life. What a great example you are Julia,” I sneered with my lip curled back, revealing far too many teeth._

_I don’t know how it turned antagonistic, yet a part of me wanted her to fight back. I wanted to feel bad because I deserved too. I shouldn’t feel happiness but misery for misery I inflicted onto Jamie. I was a wretched beast. I was the real life equivalent of the Grinch with a heart too small to feel anything._

“Wow that was harsh.”

“Yeah, you know I’m surprised she never smacked me for my insolence. Then again, my mum has never been that kind of person. I would’ve deserved it. Anyway, getting back to the story. Jamie was a wreck himself during that time. He was on academic suspension after his grades slipped, so he moved back home for a while to get his head sorted. He lived in Paris for a time, mostly to get away from any thoughts of me.” Joe’s face was sympathetic. “Now I’m not usually one to believe in silly notions of fate or destiny, but it was serendipitous. We were in the same pub. His friend pointed out a woman for him to trying talking to and at first Jamie hadn’t realized it was me. My friend, maybe friend is a loose term, no I suppose it’s right, but anyway Mark chose that night to make a move,” ugh, it still irritated me years later. He had harbored feelings for me, but I was careful with my interactions. I didn’t want him to think I felt anything more for him than friendship and appreciation.

“Um Claire,” Mel chortled. “You’re doing it again.”

“Yes, that seems to be happening a lot these days. Well since you heard all that then you know my feelings on Mark. I ran off to the restroom and Jamie decided to follow.”

“That’s romantic.”

“Oh shut up, he was worried. He found me muttering and pacing.”

“At least there’s someone who likes your crazy.”

“I need new friends.”

Mel stuck out her tongue. “No one else would have you at this point.”

“Whatever,” I muttered. They saw through me and their smiles widened. “Anyway, oh maybe I should’ve also mentioned that when we broke-up we were also engaged.”

“What?!”

“You didn’t tell me that.”

“I forgot. Geez give me a break.”

“Oh yeah, you conveniently forgot you were engaged.”

“It was a rough time. I sent him back the ring, but he gave it back to me. He wrote a letter. He basically professed his unending love for me.”

“And you let this man go?”

“Oh stop, it’s all in the past now.”

“Please continue Claire, I’ll cover her mouth if she interrupts again.”

Mel scoffed. “As if you haven-“ her voice was muffled as Joe slapped a hand over her mouth. She glared at us.

_I stared around at my group of friends as we congregated to celebrate the holidays and the end of the term. An entire year had passed with Jamie’s lingering absence continuing to weigh heavily on my heart. I missed him in a way words would fail to describe._

_Thoughts of last year refused to abate and in my weakest moments, he crept in. I yearned for his voice, his arms, and his presence. It was true what they said 'pride comes before the fall'. My mum and I didn’t talk for several months after ‘the incident’ and there were quite a few times when we spent time together where everything felt rather artificial and tense. She could barely manage to look at me for more than a few seconds without turning away and pretending as if it hadn’t happened. Neither of us knew how to move on from it, which left us in an awkward position where we danced around one another, ignoring the pink elephant in the room._

_I resumed therapy with a therapist approved by me this time as I needed to work on my interpersonal skills and letting go of the past (the last one proving quite difficult). My therapist and I delved heavily into my childhood for source material to discuss and analyze in regards to my behavior. There was a pattern._

_We sometimes touched on my longest romantic relationship, Jamie. It was the only time I willingly allowed myself to think about him as the rest of the time I tried to force him into the box I created in my head. Occasionally the key ended up in the lock, and he overwhelmed me entirely as he seeped out. My filter couldn’t keep him out. I tried to keep him in there and lock away the past. It was far easier than admitting to my own shortcomings, or dwelling on the possibility that I let the best man I would ever know walk out the door without fighting._

_My roommate managed to find love in the new year, and I found myself slightly resenting her for her ability to move on from her previous boyfriend. Granted, it took her nearly seven months and a holiday to the Canary Islands to find her current love interest, I still disliked her happiness. I was elated for her as she deserved it after the shite her old boyfriend put her through at the end of their relationship. However, there was a small twinge in my heart whenever I saw her and her boyfriend do something as simple as holding hands. The intimacy was painful enough to make me look away, uncomfortable by the eruption of my feelings._

_It honestly sucked to be alone. I had my friends, yet somehow I couldn’t feel more alone at times. I missed Jamie, but I heard through the grapevine he had gone through some tough times after our break-up. I knew the last thing he wanted was for me to contact him and rearrange his life all over again. He didn't deserve my messiness. He deserved better than I could give him._

_I knew when he stopped sending emails after I sent him back his belongings and the_ **thing** _that he finally washed his hands of me. It physically hurt to send back the ring as it was saying goodbye to the past and any hope we might've had for a future together. I knew everyone thought us young and incapable of making permanent life altering decisions, but there were very few things I regretted about my relationship with Jamie. My things came through the mail service, which was as impersonal as one could get when dealing with exes. Inside, I discovered a letter and the ring. I put them in a box and buried it in my wardrobe. The implications were too great for me to consider._

_The calls and letters ceased as well and it was as if he had never appeared in my life. It was as if those three years together were a blip on the endless line that was my life. Sometimes I thought I had imagined him after all. How could someone like him be real? I hated myself for caring so much given the way our relationship ended, but he anchored me. I was adrift and somewhat stable in my life before him, but he provided a balance._

_He calmed the raging waters of my brain and allowed me to dream again, to think of a life where he was by my side. The nights when I slept in his arms, I had never felt that kind of peace in my life. It was as if it was only us who existed and the rest of the world faded away to the background as we floated together. As usual, a storm interrupted the flow and separated us forever. The storm was me._

_“Another pint for ya, Claire?” Mark had such a toothy grin and it made him look absolutely ridiculous. He was an American from the Midwest, and we often joked and called him a cowboy._

_He took the joke for what it was and told us we weren’t far off as his grandparents owned a ranch in Montana. I stared into those bluish-green eyes of his, he was confident and earnest. “Sure, why not?” It was the end of the term and none of us had anywhere to be in the morning. We were here to indulge and celebrate our successes after all._

_The others at the table were discussing our last exam. We had been in a study group during the term for our biochemistry course, and it took a load off to meet with them bi-weekly for food or a pint and review the finer points of our lessons. “So Claire, how do you think you did? A perfect hundred?”_

_They enjoyed taking the mickey out of me as I seemed to excel in the class. In all honesty, it wasn’t as if I had much else in my life. My brief affair with a history professor ended around the middle of term, and studying kept my mind occupied. It filled me with purpose when I had nothing else going for me._

_I shrugged. “Honestly, the last bit was difficult, but all in all I think I passed. In the end, that’s all that truly matters.”_

_“Amen!!” They crowed drunkenly, not that any of us noticed as we passed into inebriated quite a bit ago._

_The entire pub was filled to the brim with university students finally able to skive off all of their responsibilities. “So what’s everyone doing over the holidays?”_

_Mark was back with our drinks and I smiled gratefully at him. I was careful with the signals I sent his way as I was aware he harbored a tiny crush or a massive one on me. I didn’t fancy him in return, perhaps if Jamie hadn’t already occupied a massive part (all) of my heart, I would’ve agreed to go out with him. As it was, poor timing and a lack of desire to date required me to keep some distance between the two of us. I hated it._

_“Alright, who’s ready for some karaoke?” We all groaned as Anne stood and headed for the stage. She was the bravest of our friend group._

_Everyone was fairly knockered, and while Anne ordinarily had an amazing voice, she could barely tell the ceiling from the floor. “Oh bollocks, I’m not the only one remembering ‘I tink imma a lil tipsy’.”_

_The group laughed uproariously causing Steven to fall out of his chair as we all recalled the last time Anne was pissed. She told us all she thought she was a little tipsy before falling off a curb and breaking her arm. Such a lovely girl, but she couldn’t hold her liquor for shit. “If she falls, I’m not spending the night in the emergency room with her,” Peter promised as he was the one there with her last time._

_Something tingled at the back of my neck. I rubbed at the irritated area, then chose to ignore it and focused on the present as my therapist suggested was best for me. My continued foot in the past and one in the present was not benefitting me, but interfering with my attempts at moving on._

_Ugh, why was it all so complicated?_

_I shook my head when I realized Mark was attempting to hold a conversation with me and I seemed to have missed the entire thing. “Uh, sorry Mark what was that?” The sensation persisted and erupted into my entire body being hyperaware, almost as if I were on fire. It was irksome, aggravating, and a host of other adjectives, I couldn’t actually think of because of my less than sober state. My brain was all fuzzy._

_“-so can we Claire?”_

_I blinked, realizing once again I missed what he said. “Uh...” I was distracted. There was something happening, but I couldn’t figure it out. “I’m terribly sorry Mark, but I really don’t know what you said.”_

_His face colored from embarrassment, or he was hot from all of his liquid courage or the people crowded around us. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer. “I asked if we could hang out sometime?”_

_My brow furrowed in deep confusion because we were spending time together now. “As in a date?” I blurted out with the slightest hint of disgust, completely unintentional. “Like not that it would be bad or anything, but we are talking about like a date, date where we would go to a restaurant or I don’t know, and talk about things.” I wanted to slap my face._

_He scratched awkwardly at the back of his neck, and I felt like a complete arsehole. He got up and I stood up as well. “Oh Mark, I didn’t mean it that way. I just well never thought about you like that. You’re just Mark.” Shite. “I’m seriously fucking this up, aren’t I? I don’t mean to make a dog’s breakfast out of this, but I thought we were just friends, nothing more. I just don’t know if I can handle anything else at the moment.”_

_“Friends don’t feel what I feel for you,” then he took a step closer before his lips were on mine._

_They were warm, soft, but there was something missing as his mouth moved against mine. It was the absent something during my relationship with the professor. I didn’t know what it was, nor could I properly explain it either. It just didn’t feel right. I pushed back from Mark to make it clear where I stood on the subject. “Look I’ll let that go because we’ve all had a few too many, but when a girl expresses her feelings and they aren’t the same as yours, it doesn’t give you the right to kiss her. It’s cute in the movies, but it isn’t in real life.” God, I was sobering up faster than I wanted. “Next time you see fit to stick your tongue down my throat, prepare yourself for my fist down yours.” He gulped and took a step back from me, finally getting the message I had no interest in him._

_I brushed past him and made my way towards the ladies room because I was seriously having one hell of an evening._

_There was something unexplainably wrong with me as I still felt the hum in my skin and my heart was racing. It didn’t make any sense. The only time such an occurrence happened in the past was when Jamie was near, but that was impossible. I hadn’t heard through the mutual friend gossip chain about his return to university or to the city. As far as I knew, he was still on his family’s farm back in Scotland, quite possibly wishing ill will against me. I wouldn’t blame him._

_That was unfair. He was a good Catholic boy, for the most part, barring the sexual intercourse before marriage and how amazingly good at it he was. I’d said enough hail Mary’s to repent for my own indiscretions i.e. the affair with a married professor. If there were regrets I would have later on in life, it would be that one. It was exhilarating in an awful, I want to hurt myself sort of way. My therapist believed I had unresolved feelings with my own father, which was why I allowed the relationship to evolve beyond a mentorship._

_I leaned against the door to the loo. I wanted to bang my head against the wall as the night had taken a serious downturn. I couldn't stop screwing up my personal life. It continued to implode right before my eyes, and I couldn't do anything but sit and stare as everything I cultivated for myself fell apart._

_“What was he thinking?” I muttered to myself as I paced the hallway. “I haven’t showed him any interest. I was friendly. I mean yeah maybe I occasionally flirted and I did make that accidental sexual innuendo about being a top. But still I’m fairly sure that I never said the words I like you, please stick your tongue down my thro-“_

_“Sassenach?”_

_My blood froze as my heart stuttered, stopped, and then puttered back to life. “Oh shit, I’m going bloody mad. How nutters do I have to be to imagine his voice? I mean yeah I was thinking about him a bit ago, but I’m having a crisis. The last thing I need is this.” I was going crazy. It was official._ _“It’s okay Claire, he’s not really here. He never is.”_

_“Claire?” My delusions were getting louder. Was I having a nervous breakdown? I ran my hands through my hair as I began to panic. Then I felt hands on my face and my eyes connected with vibrant, clear blue eyes filled with many uncomfortable things. It was HIM._

_“You’re here?” I asked stupidly. “I mean I’m not going crazy, right?”_

_“If ye are, then so am I.” I had missed the Scottish brogue in the last year. I hadn’t realized how much when I didn’t hear it regularly. It was then that awkwardness set in as we both took a step back and his hands dropped from my face. We weren’t a couple and that was crossing some serious boundaries._

_I already missed his skin on mine. It had been so long. “What are you doing here?” I was on a roll tonight. I made a mental note to never drink again, although I knew that would be broken by New Year’s._

_He eyed me, his eyes lingering on the tight fit of my jeans. It wasn’t my usual style, but I was encouraged to dress up a little. My shirt was a lower cut than I was accustomed to, which he seemed to appreciate if the way he stared at my chest was an indication. When he noticed he was caught staring, he coughed and shifted his eyes back to my face. “I’m here with some friends. And yerself?”_

_Fuck!!! He saw Mark kiss me. There was no way he didn’t. “It wasn’t what it looked like.” He appeared fairly amused by my lack of an answer. I cleared my throat. “What I mean is that uh... if you saw the display out there, that was Mark.” Oh fuck, how did I explain this? “He’s a friend. He just had a bit too much is all and got too excited. We aren’t together like at all, not that he would be bad to date, just he’s not really my type. He’s American and more like a puppy dog.” I wanted to slap myself in the face. What was wrong with me? I just compared my friend to a puppy._

_“I see,” I didn’t know how to interpret his words. He went to walk past me when I grasped at his hand. They were warm, calloused, and just how I remembered. He scrunched his eyes and his face showed his apparent confusion over my actions._

_“No you don’t see,” I finally said after we stood there for far too long without uttering a single syllable. “I’ve been miserable without you.” I couldn’t look him in the eyes just yet, so there was no way for me to gauge what he was thinking or feeling. “The last year I’ve never wanted to pick up the phone and ring someone as badly as I have with you.”_

_“Why didn’t ye?” His voice was softer and sounded more like morning Jamie._

_I raised my eyes before lowering them once again. “Pride mainly, every time I raised a pen to paper, or dialed your number, or even tried to type an email, I chickened out. I told myself I was being silly and that you were better off without me.” His hand tensed in mine. “I’m incredibly stubborn and convinced myself it was the best for both of us when it was a lie, at least for me. You’ve brought out parts of me that I thought were gone. I’ve tried this entire year to move on and forget all the time we spent together, but all it does is make me more miserable and miss you so goddamn much.”_

_His fingers brushed against my chin before they took a firm hold and tilted my head up. The breath escaped me as our eyes reconnected, and the last year disappeared in a haze of memories. “Do ye truly mean that?”_

_“Yes,” I told him. I was beyond evasiveness. I knew what it was like not to have him in my life. The emptiness pervaded my entire system until sometimes it seemed as if I truly felt nothing._

_“Hmm...” was all he said. His arm fell to his side and I was without his warmth yet again._

* * *

_We stared at each other with only a table’s distance between us in some gastropub. Our coffee sat in front of us untouched as we relished in this opportunity to watched one another unabashedly. There were many details my mind forgot in the last year and I was imprinting them to my memory again, in case this was all the time I had. I didn’t want to forget him. I had almost forgotten the sound of his voice until he spoke to me outside the restroom. It was that more than anything why I was convinced that I was losing my mind._

_Our waitress was more than a little irritated we hadn’t chosen to order anything else. I hid a smile as she tried to openly flirt with Jamie, and he didn’t notice as his eyes were still fixated on me as if he never wanted to look at anyone else ever again. I was perfectly fine with that._

_“So who was the guy?”_

_“Guy?” Oh, was he talking about Mark? “You mean Mark?”_

_“I dinna ken.”_

_“If ye saw the kiss then that was Mark. He’s no one. Just a friend, and only a friend who hasn’t quite understood the term personal space.”_

_He nodded his head. “Why did he kiss you?”_

_I palmed my face. If this was going to turn into an interrogation, I was going to leave. We weren’t together, and this was the first time we’d seen each other in a year. “Look if all your going to do is question me about people who don’t matter, then I’ve got better things to do. If you want to discuss things that matter well I might be inclined to stay longer.”_

_He pursed his lips as far as they would go as he appeared to consider my offer. In the end, he must’ve realized I was deadly serious. “Ye werena angry when ye saw me.”_

_My brows rose. Was that supposed to be a question? I wasn’t entirely sure how to interpret it. There was no inflection at the end._

_“I- well I-“_

_“When we last spoke, you were hurt and ye said ye never wanted to see me again.” That was true. “Ye even sent back th-the,” I didn’t need him to finish. I sent a message to him when I gave him back his ring. It was intentional and it was meant to hurt him, the way he hurt me, the way I hurt myself._

_“Do you ever feel as if the world is conspiring against you? It’s just that for some people love and life seem to come quite a bit easier than it does for me. Even my flat mate found someone new and has forgotten about her ex. I, on the other hand am still single and pining away for a man I can’t have.”_

_He leaned back and sighed. It was a mournful sound full of anguish and pain. “Who told you that?”_

_“I mean let’s be realistic here Jamie. I am screwed up and you were right to leave me when you did. You got yourself out before you tied yourself inextricably to me. I don’t blame you. It was inevitable. Everyone is always leaving me.”_

_His mouth closed and he looked away from me. There wasn’t much that could be said in response. He wasn’t going to leave it there as he returned his gaze with a determined set to his brow. “If ye go through life thinking only about the bad, ye’ll miss all the good. That sounded like some cheesy film line. Sorcha, yer father was a sick man. He hoped he would get better, but sickness is like a leech. It sucks everything from ye and the result is the same. He couldna have known that he would die.”_

_My therapist said as much._

_“If ye think everyone who comes into yer life will leave, you’ll be bitter and lonely. It isna a burden for us to love you. I don’t love ye because yer beautiful. It is so much deeper than that. Try as I have, I canna seem to let ye go. Ye’re in my very bones. Ye’ve embedded yerself into my essence and no other woman can compare.”_

_The tips of his fingers brushed mine and I clasped our hands together, relishing in the feeling of his touch. For the first time in so long, I felt alive again. The color flooded back into my life and everything was brighter, more vibrant._

_“What does it mean for us?”_

_Just because he loved me didn’t mean he still wanted there to be an us._

_“Something I’ve realized is that I dinna just want ye in my life, I need ye like the air I breathe. Without ye, the world is out of focus and I’m dizzy in it. I dinna want to pick up where we left off, but to create something brand new with ye. I want to understand everything about you if ye’ll let me.”_

_He was offering me him. All I had to do was accept. I had to swallow my fears or allow them to consume me. The promise of him was what I craved in body and in spirit, and I knew if I walked away from him now, it would be a regret for the rest of my days. It may not work out, but the risk of possible future pain was worth the love he gave me._

_“Okay.”_

“You’re seriously going to tell me your life isn’t like a Hallmark movie?”

“Ugh, you’re an ass. You have me share this story and want to compare my emotional anguish to something as cheesy as Hallmark,” I wrinkled my nose. “Unbelievable.”

“I’m messing with you. You’re way too easy, well not easy like that, easy like you… I’m going to stop while I’m ahead.”

“I thought I was the one who had no filter.”

“I think I had too much to drink.”

“Sure Joe, let’s go with that,” Mel joked as she flagged down our server. “If that’s what you need to believe.”

“It’s the truth,” he scowled.

“Aw, look he’s upset at us.” It felt amazing to laugh like this. “Let’s get you home.”

“I can take him Claire.”

“You sure? It wouldn’t be an issue.”

“You literally live in the opposite direction.”

“Okay.” I paid for the meal, while Joe and Mel tipped. We walked out of the restaurant together. “Let me know when you get him home. I’ve only had the one glass, so I’ll be fine.”

“Night LJ.”

“Night Joe, drink lots of water when you get home, and maybe think about not drinking before dinner next time.”

“Don’t be late then.”

“I can’t control how long a surge-“ Mel covered my mouth, hugged me, then shoved me on my way. “Rude!”

“Go on, you’ve got a hunk of man waiting for you.”

“Don’t think I didn’t hear the sexual implication,” I called out, my face burning as the couple exiting their car stared at me.

I was exhausted as I entered my house, desiring nothing more than to crawl into my bed until work in two days. The girls knew how to make their breakfast and tomorrow wasn’t my day to carpool. However, I halted my trek up the stairs at the sight of Jamie asleep, one leg dangling off of the sofa, the tv playing in the background.

The lines on his face had vanished in his slumber. He reminded me of the sixteen year old boy I fell in love with and never fell out.

“That’s good to know,” he murmured sleepily.

“What?”

“That you love me.”

I needed to work on that. “I think you knew that already even if I hadn’t said it. I think we should talk.”

“Is it later?” His confused sleep face was adorable. His hair was ruffled and shot in different directions.

My heart softened. “Yeah, it’s later.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Claire sees the light. While she has admitted she loves him, I'm still not going to have them jump right into being a couple. They are different people now, and I want to focus on them getting to know these newer versions of each other. 
> 
> What is something you regret from your adolescence? I was going to say youth, but then realized I would technically still be classified as youth. 
> 
> For me, it was conforming. I dressed like everyone else, acted like them, did my best to be just like everyone else. It wasn't until I went to college that I began to really discover me.


	30. Interlude: Mr. Lonely

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to our first Jamie interlude. I'm still working on later... so I thought why not introduce Jamie's first interlude two chapters sooner. Later will fit between the two interludes. Weirdly enough, my browser under title wanted to fill it in with the name of the second one.

**_November 2009_ **

_Her face bore the concern and worry she had for me, but there was an unknown emotion swirling inside of her dark eyes. It wasn’t misplaced either. She knew that I wasn’t the same as when we last parted. Life had hit me unexpectedly and it was catching up to me._

_I extended my arms for her to hug me as I saw the anticipation building in hers, as usual she did the unexpected and clobbered me over the head. I winced, rubbing at the tender spot. “Ye’re so dotey. When did ye become a feartie?”_

_I muttered angrily, still massaging my head. “I dinna ken as to what ye’re referring to.” She would need to make herself clearer._

_She crossed her arms with a fierce look as she turned on her heel. I followed helplessly after her, still lost as to what was driving her round the bend. After all these years of marriage and growing up with an older sister, the opposite sex still left me mystified. They were all mad and teamed up together against men, speaking a language only they were aware of._

_“Jenny, I ken ye’re angry,” her glare turned on me as she halted her steps immediately. I faltered under the heat of it. I knew then I said the wrong thing to her the moment she swiveled to face me. I stopped just short of running into her._

_Her lips pinched tightly together as her eyes crinkled. “Ye may not be marrit any longer, but that doesna mean ye should leave yer family. Did ye even try?” Her eyes held a glassy sheen, and I was ashamed._

_Claire wasn’t only mine but hers. They had become sisters, which was the closest Jenny had been to another female. She was at the funeral to provide solace to me, but she was there to support Claire in her grief. Claire was there when Maggie was delivered and held the bairn before anyone else in the family. “Can we not talk about this here?”_

_Passerby stared as we argued in the middle of an airport. Jenny’s cheeks burned with her embarrassment of causing a scene and she firmly nodded, not exchanging anymore words with me._

_The drive to Inverness was long and fraught with tension as she refused to say a single word. She was disappointed in me and Claire. I expected it; I kent my sister better than anyone, well perhaps Ian knew her best. Aside from him, I knew her from birth and spent my life growing up behind her. After our mother died, she tried her best to instill the same lessons into me that our mother imparted in her, especially the ones about love, marriage, etc._

_With the thirty minutes to the estate, she finally broke our extended silence. “Do ye nae care that yer family is across the Atlantic? That ye’re here licking yer wounds and wallowing.”_

_“Ah wisnae aware it was any of yer business Janet.”_

_A guttural noise, almost animal like, sort of like a growl escaped her as her icy eyes landed on me. “Ah canna with ye when ye’re behaving like this. Do ye no’ want to be with yer bairns?”_

_I clicked my teeth, almost painfully as I tried to ignore her bait. She was testing me to see how I would react when she mentioned my children specifically. She knew damn well I didn’t want to leave my children, but the situation I found myself in left me with very few options. Quitting my job left me without a working visa, and I didn’t know what I wanted to do. Working for the company wasn’t horrible, but I wasn’t happy either. It was a job._

_“Wit?”_

_“’Tis all fine if ye wanna ruin yer relationship with yer wife-“_

_“Ex-wife,” I cut her off immediately. A painful stabbing sensation in my chest distracted me from her lecture. I inhaled sharply as I realized the pain was from the comprehension Claire wasn’t my wife any longer. The documentation was filed with the legal system. It would take time to process and the official divorce wouldn’t be complete until the following year. However, she was free and I was free to pursue a new life apart from one another. Damn if that didn’t hurt._

_She waved her hand dismissively at me. “Ye can think all ye like she’s not yer wife, but in yer heart, ye kent very well ye belong together.” She gave me a warning glance not to interrupt her any longer. “Ye ken as well as I do that she’s terrified of commitment. She has abandonment issues. Ye haven’t said much about anything.” I was aware. That was intentional. Every time I picked up the phone. I didn’t know what I would say. How could I explain to my sister that I had failed? “What happened after the funeral? I thought ye were going to talk. Ye said ye wanted to work things out.”_

_I sighed, knowing it wasn’t easy for my sister to accept, we simply couldn’t be together. It was one thing after the next this last year, and I couldn’t take it any longer. Neither could she, I reminded myself snidely. “Jenny, she and I canna compromise. We never agreed on anything.” I ran my hands over my face as I tried to figure out how to sufficiently explain all of our issues. Jenny would never fully understand. She and Ian had an entirely different relationship, incomparable in every way. Choosing a place to live was simple. Having children was easy. _

_“How so?”_

_I loved my sister. I did. I also knew before booking my flight back to Scotland, it was going to be a battle to get her to comprehend Claire and I weren’t getting back together. We weren’t good. We hurt each other, and the last thing I wanted now was to hurt her more than I had. I didn’t want her to have the chance to cause me more pain. If we were good together, we would still be together._

_”There are a lot of things I haven’t told ye about what’s happened in the last year.”_

_Her hands gripped the wheel tighter, turning them white. “Like what?” Her voice was restrained, and I winced._

_I gulped suddenly nervous about what I had to tell her. It wasn’t that I intentionally set out to leave her in the dark, but it became easier after a time to not bother her with the issues in my marriage. It was my problem. She didn’t need to know. “I dinna ken where I should start. I suppose a point of contention between us was Brit-“_

_Jenny slammed on the breaks, lucky for her there wasn’t anyone else driving on these old roads, or we would have caused a wreck. “Jenny!!” I exclaimed as I pushed out my arms to prevent my head from slamming into the dashboard._

_It was odd after these last few years in America being on the opposite side again. Everything was strange from the moment I stepped off the plane. It was as if I left part of myself back in Boston. “Ye dinna get to Jenny me after what ye just revealed. Are ye an eejit? Did mam drop ye on yer wee head? Did ye cheat on yer wife?”_

_I turned away not wanting to give her credence, although my silence spoke of my shame. “It isna as ye think it is. We were friends. That is all... mostly.”_

_Her eyes were slits, the blue barely peeking through. “Mostly?”_

_I raked a hand through my hair as I buried my face in my hands. All I wanted was to return to the place where I was safest prior to life spitting me out, but I realised it wouldn’t be that easy to come home. My demons wouldn’t just disappear. My body shuddered as I started to sob because everything wasn’t the way it should be. It all went terribly wrong the moment we were finally on our own and creating a life together. Real life it us and we were left floundering without the lights on._

_I imagined what she might be doing at the moment. There was a fairly good chance she was in class, working hard her last year in preparation for applying to residency programs in the coming months. My mind kept drifting to her in my moments of weakness._

_“I’ve failed Jenny,” I cried as it hit me all at once the reality in which I lived. “I- fuck this is hard to admit. Me and the other woman-“_

_“Britney,” the disdain laced her voice. She was disappointed in me, but she couldn’t be more disappointed than I was in myself. The situation had escalated before I knew it and then it had gotten away from me. I never got up one day and decided that I was going to talk to another woman in an intimate manner._

_“Yes, Britney, she was a coworker. We worked in close quarters on a lot of projects. She was assigned to go out of town with me a few times, and I willna lie and say that the line hadn’t crossed into an emotional affair territory. I shared private things with her about the status of my relationship, issues with Claire, and just general complaints about my life. We discussed other things like our upbringings, and I swear it wasn’t my intention going in. I thought we were friends until…” my voice tapered off as I still couldn’t believe it happened._

_“Until what?” Jenny wasn’t going to let it go._

_I threw up my arms angrily. “We shared a kiss. I was tempted. I dinna sleep with her, but I thought about it. I really did, but then it reminded me of what Claire said. She knew all along and then I thought about what the fuck I was doing. I loved my wife. It was bad enough that I had grown close to another woman, but I was actually considering something else.” In my really fucked up mind, it was my way at getting back at her. But I knew from the moment we kissed it was all wrong. I felt nothing._

_Jenny swatted at me, hitting anywhere she could reach. “Are ye stupid? Ye were tempted by some girl who sounds like a harlot to me if she was wiling to go after a married man. What were he thinking?”_

_“I’m not blameless,” I defended her. I knew Claire despised Britney, but it hadn’t stopped her from blaming me. “I dinna stop it until it was too late. If there is something I will regret, it is that. God Claire’s face when I told her.” I would never forget it. The anguish, resolution, and misery were too much for me._

_“Did Claire catch ye or somethin’?”_

_“No’ the way ye’re thinking, but she did catch us in an intimate moment that didn’t mean anything.”_

_Jenny rolled her eyes and punched me. “Ye’re as clueless as ever James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser.”_

_I flipped her off. She ignored me as she restarted the car. “Yes, weel it was why things were tense between us when I saw ye last. Right before she ye ken… I was on my way out of town with Britney for a conference. She dinna want me to go and I dismissed her, and accused her of being jealous and insecure.”_

_“God gave ye a brain and ye only think with one head.”_

_“Hey! That’s uncalled for, it’s no’ as if Claire isn’t at fault for our many disagreements.” My fingers curled into my legs. “It’s-I- we dinna grow up the way she did. The value of money has always been different. She wanted to use her trust fund to pay for our house because we needed a bigger space. I wasna and am no’ comfortable with using her money. She canna understand and explaining to her wouldn’t work.”_

_She sighed, her face softening a little. “I ken what ye mean. She does have a different perspective. I was always a bit envious.” So was I, but I wouldn’t change how I grew up. My parents worked hard to provide for us._

_“It became a thing between us. We had several rows about money, her schooling, and my job. I told her it was all of her fault I was unhappy. She threw it back in my face that I was the one who decided to do all of that without consulting her. It was a very circular argument and it was bad. Isla was there for one of them. Ye should have seen the tears on her face and how she stepped back from both of us in fear when she caught us.” I shook my head. “I never want to see my daughter look like that again, to be the cause of her tears, it physically pains me.” That fight stood out in particular compared to many of the others we had. Had Isla not interrupted we would’ve kept going, perhaps gotten a citation for a domestic dispute._

_There was no longer a Claire there for me to talk about my day, to drink wine when we were tired, to flirt with when we were tipsy, or to love when the days were hard._

_“Do ye recall what mam used to say to us when we were barely more than bairns ourselves?” I shook my head. I forgot a lot of the things our mother said to us because I took for granted her presence in our lives. “She used to tell us what’s for ye’ll no go past ye.”_

_I stared at her uncomprehendingly, familiar with the phrase, unsure of how it related to my current situation. “It means whatever happens to ye was always meant to.”_

_My mood soured further at the thought I was meant to lose Claire. What was the purpose of our relationship if we were never meant to have one another?_

_“I dinna ken what to do. I left it all back in Boston. I dinna have a job and have a little in savings, but Jenny, I have not a clue what to do next.” Jenny pulled over to the side. I stared at her blankly._

_Her arms wrapped around me and she held me like she did when I was a wee lad. “Ye’re not alone. I’ll help you.”_

**_2015_ **

_I yawned tiredly as my eyes drooped. My breakfast was cooling, and I had yet to take a single bite of the eggs. My head fell onto my shoulder once again as I sat up to wake myself up, finding my eyes could barely open. It had been a late night, and morning came far too soon._

_As my eyes slid shut again, an annoying sound began to blare in the general direction of my phone. I groaned as I smacked the irritating device._

_It was then I realized it wasn’t my alarm, but someone was calling me. I didn’t look at the ID. before answering and found to my upmost surprise, I recognized the sound of her breathing. Ordinarily a statement like that would sound stalker-ish, but I spent a significant amount of time sleeping next to her. I laid awake beside her, listening to her breathe, relishing in my own delight that god chose to allow someone like her to enter my life._

_She hadn’t answered when I said “hello.” I could almost hear her inner thoughts over the phone as she began to over think and panic. It had been three years since our last intimate encounter which ended in disaster. I would never forget the image of her crying on top of a toilet begging me for answers and telling me there was no future for us. Walking out on her, leaving her there was painful, but I couldn’t do it with her. In the end, it was what I had to do. I had to focus on me. Paris was a mistake, one I was keen not to repeat._

_Years had passed and I was left more with the ghost of her. Sometimes it was hard to consider and actually convince myself we were real. We had our daughters, but after Paris everything between us changed. She shut me out permanently. All talk between us was strictly about our children, she refused to divert to anything resembling our personal lives. I played by her rules, and I was fine with it. I didn’t want to know who she was dating and felt less inclined to talk about the people in my life. It worked for us to maintain that distance. Paris wrecked me and I had to put all reminders of her away. _

_“Sassenach,” I rasped, my voice held hints of sleepiness. I hoped she didn’t notice, although she expressed a bit of randiness whenever she heard my sleep voice. It was turn on for her. “Claire, I can hear ye breathing.”_

_I pictured her. Her eyes were likely closed as she considered her options, perhaps she was biting her lip. They were nervous ticks of hers when she became extremely anxious, and I imagined she felt the same apprehensiveness I did. Private phone calls at this time were against our unspoken but implied rules. We never breached them. I didn’t think either of us was prepared to cross the line into familiar territory after our history._

_Then I thought about what sort of scenario would allow her to willingly call me at this time without sounding panicked, especially in what was the middle of the night for her. I glanced at my watch, frowned because she should be asleep. It hit me then. “Oh Dhia!” I exclaimed. “Are ye drunk?”_

_She sighed softly on the other side. There was more silence on her end until she finally responded with a “yes”. Then she mentioned something about shots and friends._

_I began shuffling to clean my mess from breakfast as I needed to finish getting ready for the day. “Have ye had any water?” I knew her answer before she said it. I was the one with Claire on her eighteenth birthday when she got plastered for the first time. Normally, she was too reckless when she went out with friends and let them talk her into more, or she used it to avoid what was going on in her life. She didn’t indulge often, but when she did, she usually drank way too much._

_“No,” she murmured, the soft cadence of her voice washed over me. It had been a long time since she talked to me without the tense formalities. “I’ve only settled now. I’m in someone else’s bed.” I froze, uncomfortable with mentions of her with someone who wasn’t me. The last time we were in the same room, it was my bed she occupied. Before my raging jealousy had a chance to grow, she elaborated on her location. “Not like I just had sex and am calling you because yeah that would be bad, and inappropriate. I’m calling from a friend’s guest bed. She’s a lesbian, which there’s nothing wrong with that.” A smile formed on my face as she continued to ramble. “But I’m not her type and yeah she’s just letting me stay the night. I’m going to shut up now.”_

_Her head was probably hurting her. She described it usually as a foggy sensation. “I’m not sure why I called you,” she admitted. Her admission sparked a fire in me given that out of all the people she knew right there in Boston, she called someone she wasn’t on proper speaking terms with across the Atlantic. She called me. I should’ve been the last person she thought about, yet here I was the one she rang in a vulnerable moment._

_We both knew she was lying to herself though about the purpose of her call. She was usually her most honest when she was drunk. “I think we both ken that’s a lie.” I imagined she was close to puking at the moment, depending on how much she imbibed. From the sound of her, those shots hit her hard. It was strange she was drinking in the first place as she rarely went out, even during our uni days she was mostly the type to prefer to stay in with a good movie or she studied. “Do ye want to tell me the real reason?” I swallowed nervously, unsure if I was prepared for what might come out of her mouth. She was going through a rough patch was what I gathered from Isla. I didn’t ask her any leading questions; she willingly shared her mother was sad._

_I pictured her dark orbs as they darted around the room as she contemplated her words. I cornered her. She had two options: end the call, pretend it never happened or answer me. “I’m lonely. I fear I’ve made a mess of everything in my life, and what if I never find happiness again? Maybe I’m destined to be alone and watch others find their own. Mel is in love and if you had met her, it would’ve seemed impossible that she would find someone, not that she’s not worthy of it. All of my friends are getting into relationships and married, and I’m getting invites to these weddings. Their only expectation is that I bring our children. Am I that pathetic?”_

_She nearly tore my heart out. I related to her as I felt the same way every time one of my friends found someone and married them. It was almost unfair that I the first of us was the one who lost it all. Their wives were providing them homes full of bairns, creating large families. If she were sober, there was no way she would have said any of this. It delved into an area we avoided for a good reason._

Our _conversations were full of tension, distrust, and focused entirely on the two beings we were responsible for bringing into the world. Other than them, I believed she didn’t want anything else to do with me. We hurt each other constantly. She hurt me with her constant dismissals of my feelings and her inability to share her own feelings. I knew it was officially over when she told me she didn’t trust me. That was like a knife to the heart._

_With her declaration of divorce, I nearly projectile vomited because she voiced it. I knew there was a possibility as the months passed, our communication deteriorated, and our default was to ignore one another. I was going to be sick as her eyes stared straight at me and told me everything we built was over. Then I sat down and re-evaluated and arrived at the same conclusion. We were making each other miserable and it wasn’t good for us or our children. I learned to let go._

_The day those papers were signed, we resigned ourselves to our fates, to separate futures that were unlikely to collide again in the future, at least in a way that didn’t involve our children._

_I carried the same guilt she did. We both felt it pressing on us constantly, but as the weeks passed, I couldn’t share my shame with her. How could I tell her the horrid thoughts I had about her in the moments she was suffering one of the worst tragedies of her life? How could I explain she’d been right about Britney? How the moment her lips pressed against mine, I knew where I was supposed to be and it wasn’t working? How when I saw her curled in on herself in that hospital bed, I wanted nothing more than to wrap myself around her and protect her from the world’s evils? Yet, this was where we were._

_Two strangers, former lovers, former spouses, and only just parents now existing in a single moment, hoping it lasted forever._

_I licked my lips nervously because I knew the call couldn’t last forever. I had to go to work and she needed to rest. I wrinkled my nose and felt the pinching of my eyes as I prepared myself. It was nice being Claire and Jamie again. “Claire, sweetheart ah think ye’ve also had too much to drink, but ah also believe ye’ll find happiness again.” The words came out almost painfully because she would. Any man would be lucky to love her. It wasn’t hard. “Ye’re such an intelligent, beautiful, strong, compassionate, compelling woman that any man would be lucky to call ye his. You know love is unexpected and sometimes it just happens when you’re not looking for it.”_

_I knew I was lucky when she was mine. I told anyone and everyone when she agreed to date me. It was a true honor she accepted my offer. In the time, we existed as friends, I carefully treaded the boundary between friends and more as I knew we could be. I craved it more than anything, but then I always came back to the fear we might lose our friendship. I valued her as my friend, which kept me from kissing her sooner._

_It was the hardest part to deal with after the divorce, and one of the things my therapist focused on the most. I found that it wasn’t only resentment I felt for her. I hated her with every breath in my body after Paris. That was worst. If there was an emotion I never wanted to feel towards her it was that._

_My mind came back to the present. I almost saw the tears in her eyes as she processed the sincerity of my words. “Do you consider yourself among them?” While for her, the question was awkward as she thought she didn’t have the right to ask these sorts of things, I wasn’t bothered in the slightest about it._

_For no other reason than she owned a large piece of my heart forever. I couldn’t give my full heart to anyone else because she stole it the day she fell in my lap. I would date and certainly try to find someone else, but deep down I shared her fears about ending up alone._

_“Always,” my voice soft as I confessed my truth. “I canna pretend as if ye weren’t the love of my life. I ken some people believe we have multiple, and while I dinna necessarily believe in one right person for ye, I do think we have a choice. We choose to love that person every day. So even if I have lost ye, I continue to choose to love ye.” I always would, but I was willing to leave her in the past. I had said my goodbyes to her._

_I flashed back to the car with Jenny as she forced me to think maybe we weren’t meant for each other. If we were, we wouldn’t have led it crumbled the way it did._

_It was likely the early hour that made me bold enough to say such a thing to her, especially after all this. I hadn’t seen her face in six years as every picture she sent with the girls was just that, our daughters._

_My right thumb rubbed at my left ring finger where my C tattoo rested. I could’ve gotten it removed, but my heart was married to one person. In our joint silence, I felt her contemplation as well, her desire to explain her feelings and reassure me of her own devotion to our broken love, yet like myself she kept quiet. Regret marred our skin with ugly scars as kept our lies and truths to ourselves, not sharing because we felt justified in our own pride._

_The river was there again. She was on the other side, yelling at me again, and the water rushed and roared between us, preventing me from hearing what it was she so desperately wanted me to know._

_“Is it pathetic if I told you I still loved you?”_

_Be still my beating heart. A miracle has occurred, one I’m not sure I could even fully appreciate yet. She loved me. A darker part of her heart bore the same feelings of hate as I did, but the larger part often won the battle. The problem was love wasn’t absolution. It didn’t fix the problems we had. It highlighted the distance, the gap we created so we didn’t have to see each other. I didn’t want my wounds ripped open, baring raw sin as she dumped salt on an already torn wound._

_“Would ye pity me if I told ye, I could never love anyone like you?” The veracity of my words terrified me because what did it mean for the rest of my life? Was there someone out there who could accept a fraction of what I had left to offer?_

_She choked on her own tears. I damned the three thousand miles separating us, the metaphorical river because I wanted nothing more than to be the one to brush away them away. I wanted to kiss her face and pledge myself to her forever. “Maybe one day,” she said, the pain evident in her voice._

_Her pain resonated deeply within me. We were two souls suffering in our joint agony we created together. My throbbing heart could hardly take the phone call. I sensed the finality of the moment. Slowly we transitioned back into battle ready warriors. “Get some rest, drink water, and be happy Claire. The future will come.” She ended the call seconds after some of the hardest minutes of my entire life. While she still owned me, I was moving on. She was the dream of a boy I wasn’t anymore, and it was time to accept that some dreams were only meant for when I was asleep._

**_2016_ **

_Lips traveled up the column of my neck. My hand moved to her hair as I stroked gently. “Ye canna play with a man like that,” I told her as she giggled._

_Her green eyes popped open as she beamed at me in delight. “Maybe I enjoy the teasing,” she sucked hard on my neck as I moaned deeply. She knew what she was doing and was quite skilled at it._

_I captured her mouth with my own until things escalated and we were under the sheets, letting nature take over. Our bodies covered in a layer of sweat lay on the mattress without anything to cover us, naked as the day we were born. Her pale blonde hair shone brightly in the filtered moon light. “Ye’re beautiful,” I told her. I meant it._

_She was a true beauty to behold. While I didn’t usually find blondes attractive as feisty, independent brunettes were my thing, there was something about her that captivated me. I had to know her and something compelled me to talk to her._

_I saw her pale cheeks flush in the evening light at my compliment. My knuckles grazed her cheeks as I enjoyed the innocence she exuded. I wouldn’t characterize what we had as love, but there was a possibility for something more. It wasn’t what I experienced with Claire, but that was okay. Our relationship wasn’t the same. Things were still new and exciting, and it was fun. Jenny was right to push me to start dating._

_“What is bothering you?” She read me well, knew my facial expressions, or the look in my eye. My moods varied from hour to hour, day to day, especially on significant days relating to_ **_her_ ** _. I wouldn’t do that though. I wouldn’t bring another woman into our relationship. It was unfair to both of them. Claire made her decisions and living her life. I was making mine. I stowed her away on a ship and let it sail across the ocean in my head. She was the past and I was building a future._

_Her finger stroked my face as she gazed at me with open affection. I saw the love she bore for me. Guilt gnawed at me and burned my insides as I wasn’t ready to say it to her. I wasn’t sure what it was. I could see the word on the tip of her tongue every time she looked at me. I was nearly there, but still hesitant to utter the words that would change our dynamic. Love was a huge step in any relationship._

_I remembered the jealousy as it raged inside me like hot lava two years ago when I saw her with HIM. From eavesdropping on more than one conversation with Jenny, I knew she was still with him. There was a break in there, which was when that surprise but pleasant phone call happened. It was clearly becoming serious if after two years she hadn’t found a reason to call it off. By all accounts, she was happy. She was flourishing as a doctor. Her life was working out for her._

_I wasn’t doing terribly for myself either after all these years. My business was making a profit, I had rekindled old friendships, and spent time with my family. My daughters and I chatted two to three times a week. I loved listening to their chatter as they told me about school, sports, and anything else of importance to them. It wasn’t the exact same as experiencing it firsthand, but at least I heard it from them._

_They were doing well in school. Bree had a reading tutor. Isla was at a new school. Things were changing. Isla wasn’t a small child anymore and the things that entertained her in the past had changed. She wanted nothing to do with dolls, and spent most of her time traipsing after Maggie and Kitty. Bree was still happy to spend time playing make believe with Young Ian._

_Then there was Ally. She was bright spot in my life. She came in blazing like a supernova, lighting up the dark sky. I hadn’t mean to fall for her as I was still leery about dating. To this day, I didn’t know what prompted me to talk to her. But I didn’t regret it._

_“Ally,” I breathed as her hand began it’s trek south. “Ye’re full of surprises tonight,” I growled as I rolled on top of her. She giggled as I buried my face in her neck._

**_Nollaig 2017_ **

_“Jamie, we’ve been dating nearly two years,” she argued as I again turned down her offer to meet the girls._

_It was my turn to have my daughters during the winter holidays. They were arriving Christmas Eve. Claire wanted to have the chance to do a few holiday traditions with them before she shipped them to me. They had gone to a few parties and opened their presents from everyone back in Boston already._

_I ignored the twinge on my heartstrings when I thought of her. I tried to put her firmly in the past where she belonged. It was difficult when I saw my daughters and their resemblance to her. It wasn’t entirely their outward appearances as they were taking a bit more after my side than hers, it was their mannerisms, facial expressions, or things they said. It reminded me of her. Isla frowned the same way. When she was upset, she paced and her face crumbled, and all I saw was Claire. With Bree, it was how easily she got riled up. Her face would turn red when she blew up. Or how they babbled, and I would hear Claire in their voices._

_Alison frowned as she sat on the mattress. “Do ye no' think it’s strange I haven’t met yer daughters?”_

_I gazed at her, understanding her frustration with me because it was another opportunity in which I was denying her entrance into the other side of me. My daughters were a huge part of my life even in America. I spoke regularly with them in any format I could get at the time and savored when they spent two glorious months here with my every summer._

_Every time I attempted to make introductions, something occurred, prolonging their meeting. It wasn’t right I kept excluding her. I worried about their reactions to her. Isla was somewhat difficult, and Claire had warned me she was going through a mean phase and to not taking anything she said personally. I wasn’t sure what that meant. All she mentioned was that the transition to sixth grade was rough and some of Isla’s friends had a strong influence on her._

_“Did ye want to go with me to pick them up at the airport?” Their flight was a late one._

_Most of the trip details weren’t solidified until their holiday schedule came out. Isla had a holiday recital and there was the nativity play Bree had at school. So it left us in a bit of a bind as December neared. They were older now and their schedules were fuller than two years ago._

_Alison’s wide smile showed all of her glossy teeth. She dragged my lips to hers to show her appreciation._

_At the airport, she clung nervously to my hand as we waited for the girls to disembark from the plane. I saw the top of Isla’s head as she and her sister walked with the flight attendant into view. Though it had only been four months, I swore they had changed. They were bundled up in layers, thicker than the ones they wore during some of the cooler days of summer. Isla’s coat wasn’t puffy like it had been in the past. She wore a navy pea coat with a white scarf tucked in. Her hair was plaited on the side, and in her hands was a white beret. She wore black boots with white knee socks. Her bag didn’t have any characters on it. It was plain black bag with her initials._

_Who the hell was this? What happened to my daughter with skinned elbows and knobby knees? When had she grown up? She held herself taller and there was a newfound confidence about her._

_Next to her Bree was still a child. She had on her pink puffy coat I gifted her last Christmas. She had a Frozen backpack. Her hair was styled into two braids with ribbons tied at the ends. There wasn’t much of a difference in her compared to when I saw her in mid-August._

_Their birthdays had occurred in our time apart. Isla was eleven going on sixteen according to her mother. Starting a new school last year changed her. She kept some of her old friends, but decided to ditch some of the others for new ones. Bree was nine. She was missing some baby teeth. She had difficulty with her reading and had started futsal._

_“So many changes in so little time,” I mumbled. They weren’t going to remain little forever._

_Bree and Isla were arguing about something rather emphatically if their facial expressions were anything to go by. Isla’s eyes were blue flames waiting for more accelerant to increase the size. Bree wasn’t in agreement with her sister about whatever had them disagreeing._

_Their conversation tapered off as soon as they neared enough to notice I wasn’t alone. I saw the flash of a scowl on Isla’s face before she hid it under a placid smile. Her eyes burned with blue hatred for the intruder._

_Her sister was more polite, friendly, and tried to be far more welcoming of the new presence. “I’m Alison,” she introduced herself to them. “Ye must be Bree,” and Bree beamed in apparent delight. Her youthful face still round, a tooth missing on her bottom row, and her hair in disarray from the flight. Her ribbons were a little lopsided, but she was adorable._

_“You would be right.” Alison was slightly taken aback as most people were when they heard the strong American accent. She knew, but reality was far different. “How long have you and daddy known each other?” I saw her eyes dart to our clasped hands before lifting to meet Alison’s. “Are you dating? My mommy has a boyfriend, so is daddy yours?”_

_Ally’s panicked eyes flickered in my direction. I intervened. “Yes, Alison is my girlfriend.”_

_“About two or so years, how about ye?”_

_Bree covered her mouth as she giggled. “I guess nine years as of last month.” She answered, covertly nudging her sister in the process._

_Alison’s eyes moved to Isla. “And I suppose that makes ye Isla. Yer dad told me all ‘bout ye.”_

_I had never seen such hostility on my little girl’s face, but there was a loathing the likes of which I wasn’t aware she was capable. “Yes,” her voice cool, distant, barely containing her underlying rage. “Although he hasn’t told me anything about you.” I hadn’t known her to be callous in the past and was shocked by her cruelty._

_I excused us and pulled her aside. “Isla, I dinna ken where yer attitude is coming from, but I just want to spend the holiday with ye and yer sister. Alison has waited a long time to meet ye, can ye be nice?”_

_I saw her resist the urge to roll her eyes. It was that particular idiosyncrasy where her mother came out in her. Claire wasn’t one who could manage her temper or annoyance either. It showed on her face, despite her best attempts to hide it. Isla crossed her arms and trudged back over to Alison and Bree._

_She apologized for her behavior, but her arms remained folded across her chest. They only unfolded as she rolled her suitcase. She placed her hat on her head as went out into the cold._

_Two weeks later, the girls were headed back to their home. Alison and I were no longer together as Isla made it clear her opinion on my girlfriend after she called her a gold digging “hoor” in front of everyone at our Hogmanay celebration. Her pronunciation, not her words had me smiling, but I quickly dragged her out of the room, upstairs to the room she shared with her cousins._

_“Ye canna say things like that. Do ye have no shame?”_

_Her cheeks flamed, but I saw the defiance in her stance. “What do you care?” She asked petulantly. “All you’ve had time for is her since we got here. If you didn’t want us here, we could’ve stayed with grandma.” Underneath all of her bravado, I saw a scared little girl, afraid to share her dad. “You just bring this total stranger to the airport without any warning and expect it to be fine. At least mom had the decency to prepare us to meet Peter. You just shoved her in our faces. I mean I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It was bound to happen that you would make a new family for yourself.” She shoved past me and rushed back downstairs. Her angry thumps echoed in my ears._

_We would have a discussion about it later. There were rules. I hadn’t reacted more out of shock than anything else. Isla had never spoken to me like that. She threw tantrums when she didn’t get her way as a child, but that was different. She was older. She was angry with me._

_Alison couldn’t handle Isla’s outright dislike and mistreatment of her and ended things between us. “I love ye, but I canna compete with them. There isna even a competition,” she informed me sadly. “I dinna want to come between you and yer children.”_

_While I didn’t love her the same exact way, I did love her. I hated hurting her, but she was right. My daughters came first. At the moment, I couldn’t handle her and my daughters. Maybe we could settle it when they were back home, but for the moment, it was best if she left._

_“I love ye,” I told her._

_“I ken, but it’s no’ enough. I need some time to reevaluate. We want different things. Ye’ve even said ye’re dinna ken if ye want more bairns.”_

_It was partially true. I did. I just couldn’t see anyone having my children except for the one who already mothered two of them. If I couldn’t have anymore wee ones with her then I was done._

_ "Can we maybe talk after they go home? I dinna ken fully what I want, but I do love you."  _

_ She bit her lip and nodded, kissed my cheek and walked out.  _

_She drove up separately so there wasn’t an awkward drive back to the city together, at least not with her. Isla blasted her music, the loud sound blared angrily from her headphones. The only reason she had her phone was because I didn’t want to deal with her without on the way back to the city. Otherwise, she was grounded and I had already told her mother._

_Before she departed Isla gave me a peculiar look. “I’m sorry about your girlfriend. I was a jerk, and I’m sorry if I hurt her or your feelings when I said all of that stuff.” I saw the pain on her face, so I knew it was hard for her to say any of that. Isla hated apologizing. “Maybe 2018 will be the year all your dreams come true,” she shrugged, her eyes downcast as she realized why I was single. “I really am repentant about the situation. I know she made you happy, and you deserve that dad. You truly do. Mom has Peter, and you shouldn’t be alone either.”_

_I kissed her head and hugged her again. “Dinna cause yer mother more trouble. She’s only upholding the grounding you received here.”_

_“Yeah, yeah dad, you act as if this is the first time I’ve been grounded. I’m an old pro. I’m going to enjoy my phone time because it’ll be gone as soon as I get home_. _See you in June!_ ” _She winked at me as she headed in her sister’s direction._

_They were the embodiment of their mother. It did bother me how my daughter casually used the word whore. I wasn’t too appreciative of the language, and wondered if it was something her mother said. I called her prior to the girls arriving to inform her about Alison and the future introductions. She didn’t seem bothered, although there was some indication she wasn’t happy. There was a chance I read too much into it._

_Our two weeks were interesting. It was different than our normal summer escapades together. Isla spent far too much time on her computer, messaging friends on the other side of the world. Her phone was in hand at all times. It was her favorite birthday gift. Her headphones were almost always in her ears._

_Bree ended up with a slight cold. She slept it off, but it diminished our time together. We hadn’t been able to do much as Bree started to feel better the day before they left. The probability was high she caught it from someone on their way here as she hadn’t been to school in a week. It gutted me to know I was partially responsible for her feeling poor._

_As I watched their plane take off, I thought about Isla’s words. 2018 was going to be a big year. I had a good feeling about this one._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think? The next chapter we will finally get to later. I started working on it, but then got sidetracked. Then it occurred to me, we don't know much about Jamie's middle years and that's just not okay. 
> 
> Also if you want to catch me on other forms of social media aside from Tumblr just let me know. I’ve got insta and Twitter.   
> You can find me on Twitter under: jmoonrise95  
> And insta under j_moonrize  
> I’m not terribly original 😂 
> 
> What's your favorite season?  
> FALL, although last fall totally sucked. My allergies were horrible and didn't improve until January. I spent like all of November and December stuffed up. But still, I love pulling out my sweaters and boots. Ten years ago I would've said summer because that's when I was born, but it's too hot lol


	31. Let It Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's later, although later went a lot differently than I anticipated. 
> 
> I hope everyone is keeping safe. 
> 
> The second interlude will post soon. It elaborates on a lot of what Jamie's done over the years.

**JPOV**

Her presence startled me. After Bree and Isla went upstairs to finish their homework and do whatever else they did at night, I decided to spend the time until Claire was home watching television. Somewhere in that time, I fell asleep on her sofa.

Then she was there rambling about loving me and I had to take the opportunity to tease if only a little for it. I suspected she harbored feelings for me, but it would take a lot for her to openly admit it. Having known her for eighteen years, I was at an advantage, as far as some of her mannerisms were concerned, I was familiar enough with them to have a vague idea of what was going through her mind or what she was feeling. I was the Claire reader.

I pushed myself into a seated position and waited as she settled herself. I frowned at the distance she kept, but I didn’t push. This afternoon was unexpected and confusing. The ending was abrupt, and I had an entire afternoon and evening to brood.

Her hands were clasped tightly in her lap. It was a sign she was anxious. “I think I should start. I don’t know what happened today- of course I know what happened because I was there duh and felt all sorts of things and body parts, so not the point. I meant how something as innocent as cloud watching turned into a make-out session.” A deep blush spread across her cheeks. “Just if you were wondering, there,” she lowered her gaze, her tongue darted out to wet her lips. She was worked up. “You won’t have to worry about an angry Peter.”

My brows shot up. “Oh?”

“We broke up earlier.” Her lips visibly thinned into a straight line.

“I see.”

“Do you?” She countered.

“Not really, I am confused. I thought it was going well between the two of ye.”

She huffed and smiled wryly. “Honestly, are all men this clueless? Jamie, he knew that while I loved him, it wasn’t as strong as what I feel for you.”

I frowned having caught what she left out. She used the word feelings as opposed to love, and it was deliberate. “Are ye blaming me?”

“No, no I’m going about this all wrong. It was mutual. I-this is harder than I imagined. Scotland changed the rules of the game. If it had never happened, it’s true things would be a hell of a lot different, but it did. There’s no changing it. Peter saw what I willfully ignored and avoided because I wanted to commit myself to him. Perhaps some of it was for the wrong reasons after I came back, but I loved him. He’s a part of my story now just like you are. I’m still not making much sense, am I? I guess I don’t want you to feel guilty about what happened. I don’t, well not in the way you might be thinking. I enjoyed like really enjoyed it.” Her eyes glazed over with the memory of our afternoon activities.

I waited for it. I knew there was going to be an addendum. It was Claire.

“But?”

“You know me too well for my own good. You’re right there is a but in there. While it’s an undeniable fact at this point and I wouldn’t bother refuting my feelings, I’m not in a place where I can jump from one relationship to the next. Realistically, we might know some things about one another, but things change. We haven’t properly been a couple in over nine years. I want to focus on getting to know you now and not the person I think you are if that makes sense.”

It did. While there were aspects of her that remain unchanged in our time apart, she wasn’t untouched by time. She was different. Instead of tea, she drank coffee. She was a fan of baseball. That one was rather surprising. She had never shown much interest for sports in the past, often turning her nose up at watching or attending match with me.

I nodded my head. “I hear what ye’re saying.”

Relief crossed her face. Was she worried I would disagree with her proposition? “I want to know about your interests, your likes, dislikes because maybe they’ve changed. I want to listen to your favorite song or watch your favorite movie, although I have feeling it’s still _Die Hard._ ” There was no hiding the disdain in her voice. My grin stretched across my face. “The point is we know there’s still a physical attraction if that,” she waved her hands, and I bit back a laugh. “Is any indication. However, that’s not the same as intimacy from just knowing a person.”

“Claire, I agreed with you about five sentences ago.”

She stuck her tongue out. “I wanted assurance we were on the same page.”

I scooted closer to her until our knees touched. I gently pried her hand out of the clutch hold she had on it and brought it to my lips. “I want those things too. You’re absolutely correct about us having changed in the last decade. I discovered you like coffee.” That got her to laugh. “You used to drink tea and called it the superior beverage, but I’ve rummaged through your cupboards, there’s barely any tea here.”

A loose strand fell as she ducked her head. I tucked it behind her ear, my knuckles grazing her face. Her skin was soft. She leaned into my touch. “Jamie,” she murmured softly. “I think we should keep the touching to a minimum. Neither of us are masters at restraint, and I would rather not taint what we are building for a moment of fun. It sounds amazing on paper, but then my mind drifts back to Paris.”

I lowered my hand. We weren’t at that stage and it was wrong to skip steps. I wanted to do it in the correct order. “Can we talk about Paris?”

She leaned into the arm of the sofa and tucked her legs under her. “What do you want to know? She was wary of the topic, but hadn’t refused my request. It was progress.

“What happened?”

Claire sighed deeply, turning her head. “I got in my head. I was happy the night everything happened. It was beautiful and magical. However, the next morning was a wake up call. We were kidding ourselves.”

Paris was a triumph in failure. When we first began to discuss tentative plans and created rules, I thought we could uphold them. We were adults. We could keep our feelings out of it, but the moment I saw her, that flimsy dream was dashed. It was impossible to hold back my emotions when it involved intimacy with Claire. We had too much history to think we could pull it off successfully. The problem was I hadn’t expected Claire to crack first.

“What happened when you got to the bathroom?”

Her eyes drifted back to me, contemplative as her face remained blank. “It hit me. I was there staring at myself, seeing the marks you left on me, and realizing that we made a mistake. I don’t regret having sex with you, but the way in which we went about it, the secrecy, the pretending, the refusing to acknowledge there were feelings, it was wrong. We can’t take back our history. It will always be there. In Paris, we told ourselves none of it matter, but it did.”

“My heart felt as if it was being pulled out of my chest when I saw ye there. Ye’re normally this large personality and bossy and in control, but that morning ye weren’t any of those things. You were broken.”

“I was.”

“I was too. I wanted things, but it wasn’t the time to want them. I think we saved ourselves from making a bigger disaster.”

She tilted her head. “Really?” She was surprised I agreed with her.

I patted my lap expectantly. She stared at me. I repeated the gesture. She huffed and uncurled her legs, stretching them across my lap. My fingers dug into her heels and she involuntarily moaned. I smiled cheekily. “I… it took me a long time to not hate you.”

“Oh.”

“Sometimes I cursed the day ye were born, but all of that was a glamor of sorts. I wasn’t angry only at you. I was pissed at myself. Ye dinna make me do anything I didn’t want to. I am responsible for my own feelings. I chose to be an active participant in what turned out to be a horrible idea if only because it left us more fucked up than we were before.”

“It really was the catalyst for me to start taking therapy seriously. I was a passive goer, but after losing the baby, it triggered something in me. I-I couldn’t,” she licked her lips nervously. “I realized it would never be like it was. It had a profound impact one me. Paris has come up numerous times, but so have other little instances I brushed off over the years.”

My face scrunched. “Like what?”

She pursed her lips and lowered her eyes. “Like you taking on the burden of providing for our family, and my solution to the problem was to use my trust fund. I know how uneasy money like that made you, but I’m used to solving my problems like that. If you have a problem that can be fixed with money, my family’s solution was to throw money at it.” I sensed a story and quirked a brow at her. She huffed, laughing at me, wiggling her toes in my lap. I had an idea to get her to talk. “Hahah okay haha uncle, uncle, I’ll tell you,” she agreed breathlessly. I stopped tickling her feet and went back to rubbing out the aches. “I’ve told you snippets of what happened the year prior to us meeting about the boy and the wrong crowd… blah blah. What I didn’t tell you was that my aunt and uncle donated a lot of money to keep my school from expelling me. I skipped classes, mouthed off to teachers, and just did everything I could to make those around me discontent. If it weren’t for them basically bribing the school, it would’ve impacted my future. I was already in my second school.”

She had never fully elaborated on what happened to her that year. It was when her mother became serious about her mandatory therapy sessions. She also began to spend time with her uncle. Her mother hated her friends. Julia knew that outright discouraging the friendships would lead to more trouble and acting out, so she figured out other ways to out maneuver her daughter. It worked eventually. By the time I met Claire, she was practically a different person. She had moved out of her punk phase and settled into a more comfortable skin.

“I know it’s never been something you’re okay with. We grew up differently and had different expectations about our futures. I always knew I would have my trust fund, and God does that make me sound entitled. I suppose I am. To me, it’s just money.” I tried not to wince at the statement. “I know that you hate when I say things like that, but honestly Jamie if I’ve learned anything from my family, money doesn’t really matter. Sure you can buy things, fix stuff, but it’s not terribly important. Being a good mom, doctor, partner, friend, daughter, sister… those things matter. They bring me fulfillment. I hate that we never fully discussed what it would mean for me to come into my inheritance or what sort of money we are really talking about.”

I had ideas given the size of her family’s business. “I owe ye an apology too. I dinna handle it the way I should have. Ye weren’t responsible for what I did. Ye were right I did choose work over school and then work over my family. Ye supported me in whatever I chose, and I turned it all around on ye-“

Her fingers touched my lips. “I should’ve talked to my family about it. We could’ve found a way for you to remain in school.” She was close. Her warm breath wafted over me and that was it.

I pulled her to me and kissed her. She slid a leg over mine and settled in my lap. She leaned into me further, her chest pressing into mine, and I shivered. Her lips were soft and intoxicating, and tasted vaguely of wine. Her mouth opened up without me even asking, and I shoved my tongue right in ready to reacquaint myself for the second time today. Kissing her was addicting, and I always lost myself in her. The passion lay right underneath, nearly bubbling to the surface, urging us on, but what filled me up was the sense of rightness, the peace that washed over me. This was where I was supposed to be.

Her hands tugged impatiently and I groaned at the feeling of her fingers running through my hair. My mouth left hers, her lips puckered and her face punch drunk as I trailed my lips across her face, down her neck, sucking, biting, kissing, loving her. “Jamie,” she moaned as I lave her soft skin with my tongue. “Oh God, don’t st-“

“Mom?”

Before I could blink, Claire was across the room, her face flushed and her hair a mess. She straightened her clothes as she headed towards the stairs. “Yes, Isla?” She called up to our daughter. I had lost myself in her that it failed to occur to me that my daughters were here. We were in deep trouble if we didn’t learn how to keep our hands to ourselves.

Her voice moved farther away as she headed up the stairs to help Isla with whatever she needed. Holy hell that was close. Weren’t we just discussing establishing boundaries for the time being? How had we ended up making out for the second time that day?

I was so lost in my thoughts, I failed to notice her return. She had changed out of her work clothes and her face was freshly scrubbed. She threw her hair up in a messy bun. That was when I saw them. A shy smile appeared on her lips, but she seemed pleased. “Don’t get to used to it,” she warned me, wagging her finger. “Do you want to help with bedtime?”

“What?”

Claire clasped her hands and twiddled her thumbs. “Um well, we read a book. We’re currently reading _Peter and Wendy._ So did you want to…?” She gestured to the second floor, and I eagerly nodded. This was what it was about. I wanted these moments because that was what my children would remember when they were older.

“Yes,” I said. It was a tradition of theirs, and she was extending a branch to me to immerse myself. I wanted all of it.

A smiled graced her lips, transforming her face immediately. She radiated beauty and glowed. Her features were iridescent, her eyes brighter, her hair more luminous, and her skin clear and creamy with a slight flush, although I couldn’t ascertain as to whether it was from our previous activities or not. “Come on then, I can’t keep them waiting all day.”

I followed after her, admiring her luscious behind. She gave it an extra wiggle before we descended onto the second level. She turned and winked at me. “Minx,” I whispered. She laughed.

“So what can I expect?”

She laughed at me as she explained story time. “It started on the nights I had off. The girls picked a chapter book, child appropriate,” she added for clarity. “I would read to them, usually in my bed since it was the biggest at the time. Now we usually convene in Bree’s. Right now we are making our way through _Peter and Wendy_ , which they love. Our last book was _Alice in Wonderland_. We’ve done a few other popular children’s books. It’s less about the book, and more about the time we spend together.”

The girls were snuggled up in Bree’s bed with the book sitting between them. Their eyes tracked me as I made my way into the obscenely pink room. It grew on me as I pictured my little red headed nine year old spending her days in here. Her school clothes were laid out for the next day. She was prepared. Her backpack was situated by her dresser.

Claire crawled into the bed, snuggling close to Bree. Isla shyly glanced at me and gestured for me to join them in the bed for family story time. I did as she bade.

“Chapter 4, The Flight,” the girls were hanging onto every word. “ _Second to the right, and straight on till morning.’ That Peter had told Wendy, was the way to Neverland; but even birds, carrying maps and consulting them at windy corners, could not have sighted it with these instructions.”_

Her voice was soft, although she inflected at the necessary parts. She gave the characters life, and the girls were mesmerized. They hung on her every word. I did too. I saw the magic and adoration in their eyes. _“And so, bewildered, and now staggering in her flight, she followed Tink to her doom.”_ ** _[1]_**

She softly closed the book and glanced down at our slumbering children. They fell asleep during the last two pages after fighting sleep the whole chapter through, but they couldn’t resist the lulling tones of their mother’s voice as she read to them. I could hardly resist them myself, and found myself a bit drowsy.

She held a finger to her lips as she slid out of the bed with practiced ease, without stirring either of our children. I wasn’t nearly as careful, and Isla turned over as I left the bed. I tucked the comforter closer around her and then exited the room after Claire.

She glanced in the room one last time before shutting the door. Her love for them radiated from her. It shone in her eyes, reflected on her face. They were her world. Everything was lighter about her, and I knew she enjoyed and relished that time together as they did. It was obviously special to all of them. It was a coveted time where there were no outside forces pulling them apart, only the love and affection they had tying them together.

I glanced at my phone. “I should get going.”

Claire snapped her head up. “Right yeah, you should, it’s late, and you’ve probably got a super busy day tomorrow, and today has already been insane. Not that what happened was insane, no that was really nice, but everything else, that I could do without. I’m going to be quiet now. Let me walk you out.”

She was a basket case, and I adored ruffling her feathers. She worked herself up more than I could, and it was entertaining. We stood at the door taking a minute to stare at each other. “Thanks for the hand today,” her face twisted and she closed her eyes. I hid my laughter. “I meant with helping the girls.”

“Ye dinna have to thank me for that or the other hand I gave ye.” Her mouth fell open, and I took advantage of her astonishment to steal a kiss and run off.

“Jamie!!!”

I laughed all the way back to my apartment. Today was a good day. We still hadn’t finished discussing later, and when I received a text from Claire, I knew she was in agreement. Hopefully the next time, we could do it without things getting out of control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, after being asked about this, I figured I would give it out. I am on social media.  
> You can find me on insta @j_moonrize and on twitter @jmoonrise95. I really am not original haha. I'm always up for talking. Maybe that's why I write lol
> 
> What's your favorite activity to do at home?  
> Read or write


	32. Interlude: Waste My Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a monster sized chapter. It's snippets of 15 years of Jamie's life.
> 
> Huge thanks to Cynthia for translating.

**_September 2003_ **

_“You’re unfeeling and heartless, and I don’t think you know how to love. Ye say ye want to marry me, but whenever I bring up the topic, ye shut me down. It seems that ye’re just playing mind games with me because ye can.” I didn’t know what possessed me to say it. It wasn’t how I felt, but part of me felt satisfaction when her face slipped and her lips trembled. I froze. I didn’t want to make her cry. “No, I dinna mean that, Claire-”_

_She wiped at her teary eyes. “Are you sure? It sounds like you’ve been holding that one in for a while.” Her tone was devoid of any sort of emotion. Her stony expression scared me. She wore everything on her face. “How long have you been preparing it?”_

_I threw my arms up angrily because she was doing it again. She acted as if my words didn’t bother her when they clearly did. “Do ye no’ care that I told ye, you dinna feel anything? Ye never tell me what is going on inside of that wee brain of yers, and I’m left feeling as if I’m more invested in this relationship than you.”_

_She was stricken and reacted as if I’d slapped her. “What do you want from me? I’m trying to give you as much as I can, but don’t pin all of this on me. Your friends actually hate me. And before you try to make an insipid remark, I know it’s true. I was there last week at that pub you went to and you didn’t even defend me when they went in you-“ she shut her eyes for a moment. “That came out wrong. When they asked you why you were dating me and one of them made that remark about my ass, you didn’t say anything. You let them make their stupid jokes and call you whipped. They said a lot of awful things about me and how you should cut your losses from the ice queen, and my friends and I decided to leave shortly after.” I didn’t know she was there. They were having a laugh. Then again it explained why her flat mate glared at me when I stopped by the other day when she coldly informed me Claire was unavailable. I was normally physically aware of Claire and somehow it escaped my notice that we were at the same location, and I didn’t know._

_  
“That’s not even the tip of the iceberg. You keep telling me you’ll make time for me, but as soon as we solidify any plans, you’re calling to cancel on me to hang out with your dumb, immature mates who got you arrested by the way. Maybe it’s me who is more invested than you. At least I’m trying.”_

_I scoffed and laughed callously at her words. “Ye wouldn’t ken how to do that if you tried.” Her cheeks colored as a mixture of embarrassment and anger hit her. Her eyes flashed dangerously as she glared at me, as she moved closer, encroaching my space. “While I believe ye love me, ye only love me as much as you let yerself. Ye canna fully let go, which has left me feeling as if I’ve never really had you. Ye’ve always had every part of me.”_

_“That’s hardly what started this conversation. I keep thinking it’s something wrong with me every time I call and someone else answers the phone. Perhaps I’ve got the worst timing in the world, but then I show up at your flat, and it turns out you’re here drinking with your stupid friends. You told me you were staying in to study. So I suppose I’m the real fool for believing you. Hell, you didn’t even tell me you were considering a term abroad in America.” She laughed hollowly. I had lied to her. She wanted to go out on a date, but my friends had brought alcohol. I figured I could make it up to her another day and cancelled earlier in the afternoon before she started getting ready. Then there was the America situation. “I came over to see if you wanted to take a break, but I realized you already were.”_

_Her eyes lowered and dread shot up my spine. I was suddenly uncomfortable and slightly anxious as if something bad was about to happen. When she lifted those dark orbs, I saw something in them. There was resolution and an emptiness I’d never known. It was as if the spark inside her died. “I’ll make it easy for you then. You want someone you can have and call up when it suits your fancy, well it’s your lucky day as you no longer have me to stand in your way.” She turned and without thinking my arm shot out and grabbed ahold of hers._

_When she swiveled around, I expected a raging inferno to confront me. Instead there was barely a flicker from a match. She carefully removed herself from my person. The glassy sheen nearly undid me. “Please Claire, I dinna want this to end. We can work on this.” I needed her like the air I breathe, while I wouldn’t say she completed me, she certainly filled in the empty spaces of my life. Where once darkness reigned after my mother’s death, she brought the light of the stars with her._

_A choking sound, I realized was a cold laugh emanated from her. “There’s nothing left to fix. Do me a favor, lose my number, forget this… all of this happened. We are done. I’m done being second. We both deserve better than that.” I watched her walk out of my flat without turning back. The door closed with a soft click instead of a gentle thud, as she quietly disappeared from my view and my life._

_I lost interest in my school work and my advisor recommended I take time away from my studies, the following term. If I removed myself from the school and took a term off, it wouldn’t affect my overall grades as opposed to the impossible recovery of my grades by the middle of term._

_It was months before the flash of brown curls didn’t cripple me with unbearable sorrow. My melancholic nature drove Jenny insane and she flew to London to yell some sense into me._

_“Jamie, I ken how much she means to ye, but if ye dinna put yerself first, who will? I canna always be there to protect you from the world. Claire has her own things to work out. There’s no sense in brooding around yer flat, hoping for her to waltz back into yer life. She’s made her choices and while I thought one day the two of ye might get marrit-” She cut herself off and shook her head. She cupped my face and forced me to look at her. “Da, wanted nothing more than for ye to get an education and be happy. Ye’re doing him and yerself a disservice by wasting away. She’s not worth it.” My fists clenched at her callous words, but I forced them to relax._

_I glanced away shamed by her words. She knew what they would do to me. My father lived his life with as little regret as possible. He said regret was a useless emotion because you’ve already made your choices. There was no such thing as a right or bad choice because whatever choice you made was the right one in that moment. There was no pre-existing guide for living your life, and you had to navigate with the tools you already have. Happiness wasn’t about your choices. It was about choosing to live._

_The only person who can make you unhappy is yourself if you continue to beat yourself up for all of the perceived bad choices you believe ruined your life. Our choices were what defined and brought us closer to discovering ourselves as we learned more about the essence of who we are at the core with each challenge. My da told us he never regretted a single day with our mother and never dwelled on the fact she died._

_He still had us and we brought him happiness because we brought her/them happiness._

_“I dinna like admitting this because it’ll make yer head swell, but ye’re right Jenny. Da would be ashamed of me if he saw me wallowing.”_

_She ruffled my hair with a small smile. “Ye canna let someone else’s choices dictate your own. I ken you love her with your whole heart, but Jamie I think ye always kent there were something between you.” I opened my mouth to retort angrily and defend my ex-girlfriend from my sister. “There’s no need to look like that. It’s not like I’ll start a stramash. I love her too. I talked to her after ye told me, and I understand her side of things.”_

_“So ye’re siding with her?” I crossed my arms, feeling betrayed by my own blood._

_She flicked me in the head, her dark eyes piercing my own. “No, ye idiot, I am always on yer side. I think ye were both young for such a serious relationship seeing as ye’ve carried it over from when ye were both children. Sixteen is a child. Neither of ye were prepared for the transition and how it would affect your lives individually and together. Right now, the important thing is to get yerself ready for the next term so ye dinna fail out. I want ye to continue working and figuring out who you are. For a longtime, you and Claire were a pair, and now it’s just you.”_

_I was slightly embarrassed at having jumped down her throat. “I’m sorry. I’ll figure it all out Jenny.”_

_Jenny kissed my head. “I ken. I’m always a phone call away. I know I’ve got the children, but that doesn’t mean I can’t help you.”_

**_February 2004_ **

_“Welcome Jamie,” Jared greeted me as I stepped out of the black town car he sent to pick me up at the airport._

_“Thank ye for having me.” He was going to allow me to work for him for a time with his wine exporting business. I had taken time off from school after receiving abysmal marks the previous term. Jenny suggested coming home for a time, but swiftly changed her mind upon seeing my haggard appearance. Lallybroch was the last place I needed to be. Memories of her were everything._

_I hated it. She had ruined my childhood home for me. It was like she was everywhere. Even her memory was suffocating. I had to escape her, or I would never find me again._

_“Ahh, the joys of young love,” he commiserated._

_I grunted in response. Talking about it wasn’t something I was inclined to do. I wanted to forget and what a great place to do it. She hadn’t ruined Paris for me._

_Jared patted my shoulder, his face sympathetic to my woes. “That’s what love will do. It rips out yer heart if ye let it. I ken ye dinna want to talk too much about it, but I am here when ye do. I think it could help.”_

_While he meant well, he wasn’t the person I needed advice from. No offense meant to him, but he was notorious for his lack of commitment and many women flitting in and out of his life. According to Jenny, one of his longest flings was with a married woman. He had never settled on one woman._

_“From the expression on yer face, I’ve gathered I’m not really helping. I have garnered a bit of a reputation, but I haven’t found a woman that I want to settle down with. I love women and I enjoy my time with them.” His dark eyes crinkled. “Maybe while ye’re here, ye should enjoy yer time. Ye dinna have to find lasting love, but yer time here would be awfully boring and wasted if ye dinna find a way to relieve the tension.”_

_His words had their intended impact as I considered what I wanted. I wasn’t prepared for a serious relationship after what happened in my last one. One of my reasons for leaving home was to gain some perspective and to forget about the past._

**_June 2004_ **

_“Tu es doué pour ca,” she giggled as my lips trailed down her stomach. “Ahh Jamie,” she moaned. (You’re really good at that)._

_I grinned as my eyes met hers. Her pupils were blown and her face flushed with pleasure. “Je fais de mon mieux.” I crawled up her body, hovering over her. Her arms wrapped around me and she pulled me down for a kiss. Our mouths collided instantly. Her tongue flicked out to tease my lips and my mouth opened automatically to give her access. Our tongues dueled languidly as her hands roam up and down my backside. I pulled away breathless to find her smug face. “Je t’aime,” slipped out before I had a chance to think. (I do try.)_

_Her face froze, the astonishment written all over it. I had no idea it was what I felt until this moment. “Tu m’aimes?” She failed to hide her trepidation. Neither of us planned for our fling to turn into more than just that. It was us having fun, to get over our exes. She was coming off her own failed engagement, and we commiserated together. It bonded us until one day things inevitably transition into more. (You love me?)_

_My lips widened. “Je crois oui.. c’est un problème?”(I do. Is that okay?)_

_Her lips surged forward to meet mine. My tongue swiped forward pressing against the seam of her lips. “Tu sens si bon,” I moaned as her body arched into mine. “You feel good too.” Sometimes English was easier to use to convey something. (You taste so good.)_

_She smiled coquettishly, her lids dipping lower as she pressed into me. I groaned as she sped up her movements. “Je t’aime aussi.”_

_As it turned out, our relationship fizzled out as it neared my time to return to school. There were feelings involved, but we both saw that our relationship had no real future. “Je-“ she licked her lips as a way to halt the progression of her words. “Je pense que tu l’aimes toujours... tu sais de qui je veux parler.” (I- I think you are still in love with her… you know HER.)_

_I blanched. “Non, c’est faux.” (No, I am not.)_

_Annalise shook her head fondly as she cupped my face. Her fingers traced over the contours of my cheeks and I leaned into her touch. “Ce n’est pas un problème si c’est. Le cas d’après ce que tu m’en as dit, elle est différente des autres. Ton visage s’illumine sans même que tu t’en rendes compte. Je t’ai déjà entendu l’appeler en dormant” Her lips turned down, and guilt clawed at my insides. I tried to stray away from mentions of her. I was taking Jenny’s advice. Jared’s wasn’t terrible either. “Tu n’as pas à te sentir coupable de l’aimer. J’aime Charles même si nous ne sommes plus ensemble.” (It’s fine if you are. From what you told me, she’s different. There’s a way your face lights up even when you don’t want it to. I heard you call out her name in your sleep once. You don’t have to feel guilty for loving her. I love Charles though we are no longer together.)_

_“Je n’ai pas envie d’être amoureux d’elle.” I told her stubbornly. (I don’t want to be in love with her.)_

_“Tu n’as pas vraiment le choix. Quand tu donnes ton cœur à quelqu’un, tu ne le récupères jamais vraiment.” Hadn’t I heard that particular argument? I was tired of listening to it. I didn’t want to consider the ramifications of her owning my heart after all this time. Hadn’t I gotten away to move on with my life? So what if she gave me back the ring? It didn’t matter if i kept it buried in my sock drawer. It meant nothing to me. She meant nothing. (You don’t really get a choice. When you give your heart away freely, you never really get it back.)_

**_April 2010_ **

_The screaming and laughter of children reminded me of my two I left back in Boston. Their cousins rolled down the hill, screeching happily as they hit the bottom and then ran back to the top. We had Skyped, but it wasn’t the same as being there, listening to their giggles, and watching them grow._

_Children were innocent and reaming with life. There was an abundance of joy and love radiating from nieces and nephews as they urged me to participate, to play with them._

_I couldn’t find any energy to go over to them. I was too tired to indulge their youthful fun. I wasn’t able to play with my own children, but Claire sent videos regularly of them playing. Bree was at the stage where she chased after her sister. Isla pretended to be annoyed, but then would turn and pounce on her little sister. Their sweet chortles constantly rang in my ears. I ached for them, but the reality was that things were very different from my expectations._

_A chuckle escaped my lips, surprising not only me, but Jenny who was seated next to me. She stared at me almost as if I were an alien from another planet. “Did ye...?”_

_Laughter was a rarity for me these days as I found so little in life to make me laugh. Most of the time, I kept myself shut up in my room and it was only through my sister’s sheer stubbornness and determination that I managed to shower and spend time with my family._

_“Aye, I did.” My retort was short and sharp._

_Jenny sucked in a quick breath. I felt terrible for the way I treated her as she was only trying to help me through this difficult transition from family man, husband, and provider to just me. I didn’t know what my next step was, and she had vowed to help on my new path. I was alone for the first time in years. Sure I had my sister and her children and Ian as well, but they were still her family first._

_“Ye could go back,” Jenny suggested, but I immediately shook my head in disagreement. Going back wasn’t a viable option, particularly give that I had no prospects. It wasn’t as if I could pick up and move back to America. There was a process and the company I worked for wasn’t exactly willing to provide a reference after my declining performance and eventual departure._

_I needed some more time, but I knew it was possible I could more than just survive. “Can I ask ye a question brother?” I didn’t know why she was asking._

_I rolled my eyes. “Janet Murray, nothing has ever stopped ye before from meddling.”_

_Her cheeks flamed in embarrassment and at the admonishment. She was interfering, and I knew it was her best intentions at heart. Yet still, I was old enough to know my mistakes weren’t fixed by my sister’s involvement. I had to patch up the holes in my life on my own. She could assist, but it had to be because I wanted it._

_“If ye kent ye loved her and wanted to spend yer life with her, why did ye allow her to think something happened between ye and that coworker of yers?”_

_Ah, yes Britney, it always came back to that mistake. Claire and I never discussed fully what transpired. There were tears, loud voices, and too many emotions for us to calmly discuss it. Then in my darkest moment, I allowed her to believe more had taken place, not a full blown physical affair, but definitely more than a simple kiss. I was vindictive and it felt good until I saw her stricken face. She had said that worse than something physical was if there were emotions involved. Truthfully, there were, but they weren’t as deep or all encompassing as the ones I had for her._

_Jenny and I talked about the relationship at length. She wanted all of the salacious details. She promised if she ever met Britney, it would not be a pleasant encounter. She didn’t care about my part in the affair, but that there was a woman willing to interfere in another woman’s marriage when there were children involved. She hated home wreckers. It reminded her all too much of what happened with Dougal and Collum and the impact it had on our mother. She still reamed me out for not putting an end to it when I suspected something afoul._

_“Jamie, it doesn’t take much for a female to think ye have an interest in her. If ye give her some attention as innocent as it may be, she could take it the wrong way. I’m not saying all of us are like that, but some women are always looking for a new man.” Her tone was patient, but her eyes betrayed her. She was furious. “From the sounds of it, she broke up with her boyfriend because she grew to have feelings for ye. Did ye no’ suspect?”_

_I stared at her in disbelief at how she could reach such a conclusion. “Ye canna possibly ken that from the bits I’ve shared with ye.”_

_She shook her head at me and patted my hand sympathetically. “Ye’re not a woman. Her boyfriend wasn’t giving her the attention she thought she deserved, but ye were there to lend an ear. Ye shared with her yer own private troubles, which probably made her feel good and important to you. Ye were discontent and tense, so ye let her give ye back rubs and bring lunch, which ye told me yerself, that the two of ye ate together. Ye occasionally had dinner when ye worked late. Do ye see where I’m going with this bampot?” I scowled at the unnecessary insult to my intelligence._

_“I wasn’t aware that offering friendship was saying I’m interested.”_

_“T’is why ye have me tae inform ye of such things. Some women dinna take no for an answer, and will no’ hesitate to try and take another woman’s partner. It makes them feel superior. Then again ye were confused about yer own feelings until nearly the end.”_

_My shoulders slumped in disappointment because Claire was right all along. She saw what Britney was doing the entire time and tried to warn me, but I brushed her off. I was irritated and lonely, and Britney was there feeding into my insecurities. “I led Claire to believe that I would’ve slept- er had sexual relations with Britney since she wasn’t…” I couldn’t finish the sentence without tears stabbing at my eyes. My heart clenched painfully thinking about the fight and the aftermath. It wasn’t long after that when she told me about her lawyer. It all went downhill fairly quick._

_“She told me she put out feelers to see if I was interested in her and assumed since I hadn’t rejected any of her prior advances, I had feelings for her. She kissed me. The problem is at the time I was confused. It only took a few seconds for me to push her away.”_

_“The real question is did ye kiss her back?”_

_The truth was yes. Only for a second before I shoved her away in abject horror at what I had done. I inadvertently led another woman to believe there could be an us while my wife was pregnant with our third bairn. I was away and she was at home with our children. She begged me to stay. I didn’t. I had to live with that, which fed into the reason why I never elaborated on the situation. It didn’t matter in the end and would sound like an excuse if I did mention it._

_“For a second, I entertained the idea, but then I realized I cared for as only a friend. I felt an immense amount of guilt.” I cried. “Claire was having a miscarriage and I wasn’t there. She was alone. I could’ve been there for her.”_

_Jenny rocked me in her arms. “Jamie, ye canna continue to go on this way.” I sobbed at the loss of my child, my marriage, my best friend, and for my daughters who had no idea why their family was destroyed and their dad gone. It was surreal because in one moment it was as if I was at the top of the world, and then the next I was buried under mounds of rubble without the slightest possibility of seeing the sun again. My world fell apart._

_“Ye let some hoor with loose morals work her way into yer marriage. It’s not all yer fault. She knew what she was doing.” Her fingers scrape against my scalp. It was nice. “I must admit Claire shared her worries about this friend of yers.”_

_It was news to me. She wasn’t generally the most open person about what she was feeling at least if it was a negative emotion. She was a mosaic filled with all of these pieces, I was still putting together._

_There was no mistaking the enjoyment I felt in the task because it was worth it. If there was anything I wanted her to understand, it was that she was completely worth every single moment of the life we shared together, the happiness, the sorrow, the loss, and everything else in between._

_I palmed the grass, felt the soft tendrils glide through my fingers as I enjoyed the first real day of spring after the fading of winter’s thaw. The sun’s rays warmed my skin, perhaps not as much as it would in Boston, but it reminded me of days gone past when there were no worries in life. When I had my ma and da, my brother and sister, and we all lived here oblivious to what was ahead of us. We lived in the moment and waited for tomorrow._

_My eyes closed as I stayed in the moment. “It isna as if I haven’t thought of returning, but I think I need to be here for the time being. I have to figure out who I am without her by my side. We’ve been together in one way or another since we were sixteen. We broke up once in the entire time aside from ye ken...” I gestured not wanting to say the word divorce out loud. “I just- my dreams died. I thought my life was going to turn out one way and it’s gone somewhere else.”_

_I didn’t know how to dream anymore. I had no goals. What I thought I wanted wasn’t at all what I had, and it was time to work on something new. Returning home was the first step in determining what was in store for my future._

_My remaining relatives rallied around me, and expressed their sentiments of sorrow for the dissolution of my marriage. Others, however practically threw in my face I deserved it for marrying a Sassenach as they were outsiders and would never understand what it was like to be us._

_I waved them off as they were the more zealous members who championed regularly for independence from what they viewed as our oppressor._

_“Aye, I remember well the first time ye called it off. Was it no’ yer second year of university?” She knew it was. I took a semester off as a result and made it up during two summers, so that I could finish at the same time as Claire. We were making plans, plans that went off course, but we had envisioned what our future would be. Then again reality rarely resembled dreams._

_“Weel, it wasn’t as if we were perfect. We’ve always had our faults and issues with one another. We pushed them to the side for a long time. It’s not surprising they came to the surface eventually.”_

_She stared at me long and hard, trying to reach into the depths of my soul to determine what it was I was feeling. Sometimes I wasn’t entirely sure what was going on inside of my head and heart. The ache was acute and always present, a reminder of the past. Some days it was a duller pain, but it was always present. I feared for the day it was gone._

_Jenny laid back onto the grass and stared up at the clouds. They were blobs for me as I lost my inspiration for everything. My imagination died. I would squint, close one eye, but there was nothing in the clouds for me. “Maybe it wasn’t time for ye. Sometimes it takes doing the wrong thing to figure out the right thing.”_

_I didn’t understand what she was telling me at all and remained silent._

_She shook her head, brown strands falling loose around her face. Sometimes she appeared far older than she actually was. She was nearly thirty in a few months with a bunch of young children to account for her adult years. She clearly worked out what I still couldn’t see. Then again, all of the women in my life were like that._

_“Do ye remember how ma used tae tell us all those stories about tragic lovers?” I frowned at her, ready to argue immediately in defense of my previous relationship. “Hold yer tongue for a minute as I explain. It isna always clear why some people go so easy together and others no’ so much, but often the problem is they fall in love at the wrong time.” Her eyes tracked the figures of her rolling children in the short distance and a beautiful smile lit up her features. Her eyes squinted and sparkled, her body was relaxed, and there was something carefree about her._

_“Mam always said ye would find yerself a girl and attach yerself for the rest of yer life. Ye were the type tae truly love once in yer life, and maybe she was right. I dinnae ken, but I think ye need to find yer own way. The past holds memories but the future is unknown. She could be there again some day or maybe no’, but this is yer life. Ye need to start living again. Find a purpose. I dinna want ye to give up yer life. I love her like a sister, but ye’re my brother. I need ye around ye ken?”_

_Her face was serious as she asked her request of me. I couldn’t disappoint her. I’d done nothing but that since returning home. “Okay Jenny,” it was all I could say to appease her._

**_July 2010_ **

_I fidgeted nervously as I watched the arrivals board in the airport. It was happening, despite my misgivings about Claire’s promises. It wasn’t fair of me to doubt her, but I was apprehensive about the amount of time I missed. Yes, she had given me as much access as possible to our daughters, but it wasn’t the same. I couldn’t hold them close or receive their slobbery kisses._

_Brianna couldn’t make the trip as she was still too young to be separated from her mother. She was going through a phase where she only wanted Claire. It had turned into a nightmare when dropping her off at daycare. She cried endlessly for the first hour until Claire called during her lunch breaks, but Bree never settled until her mother was home with her._

_Julia was the one escorting Isla across the Atlantic, the two had a layover in London, during which they stayed with Tom for two days. On her way back home, Julia would stay with Tom for a longer holiday._

_She was in the process of moving to Boston to help Claire with the girls as she was starting her surgical residency. Brianna was in daycare in the interim period and probably would remain so even when her grandmother returned. They were hoping she would adjust. Upon her return home, Isla would start pre-k. I had been there for her first day of pre-school, but I wouldn’t be there when she went to real school. She would spend half the day there before taking a van to daycare. Change was on the horizon. I could practically taste it._

_Jenny not so gently nudged my side to stop my nervous twitchy movements. I glared at her, but she pointedly ignored it in favor of texting Ian to check on her children again. She trusted Ian, however it was rare when he was left with all the children by himself. They were tricky lads and lasses with extremely mischievous natures which activated the moment their mother was no longer within a one mile radius of them._

_“Stop it,” she commanded as I shifted my weight to my other side yet again. “Ye act as if ye’ve never seen yer own child or talked to her. Ye spoke with her last night.”_

_Conversations with Isla were interesting, especially with the expansion of her vocabulary as of late. New words were constantly introduced, which she found ways to incorporate into our phone calls. She was a chip off the old block, not mine, but her mother’s. She had loads to say about everything and she was observant. She told me about the teachers at school, and all of the fun things that she did during the day. She would ramble endlessly, and I never asked her to stop. Her sweet voice brightened my days._

_Claire sent a constant stream of pictures and videos with at least one each every day. It was hard to gauge from the pictures how much she had grown since she was so small._

_I buried my hands in my pockets to prevent her from seeing the twitching. It was a big deal, Claire trusting me with our daughter for so long without her in a close vicinity. Isla had never left Massachusetts in her life and her first trip on a plane was to somewhere far away from what she knew. I was worried she would get homesick and beg to go home within the week. She had never been without her mam for this long._

_She was only staying for three weeks. We both agreed any longer than that for the moment might not be ideal for her. She was starting school near the end of August and her mother wanted her on an established routine before then. It was for the best. We didn’t want to push anything, but the goal in the future was to extend the trip longer._

_For me, I was just happy to see and hold her after all this time. It didn’t matter if our time was somewhat limited as I planned to relish and bask in every single moment together. I could scarcely believe over seven months had passed since I last held her in my arms. I would’ve flown in for the holidays, but it was a dark time for me. I wasn’t in a state to be around anyone really, especially if I had to see Claire._

_I spotted Julia almost immediately and at her side was a toddler pulling eagerly on her hand as she made her way across the airport._

_I sucked in a breath at the sight of my little girl because she had grown. I could see some extra centimeters were added to her height and I knew her warm weight would feel heavier in my arms. Her hair had darkened from the strawberry blonde she had as an infant into a dark red color. Julia smiled in mild amusement as her granddaughter dragged her and then dropped her hand the moment she laid eyes upon me._

_“DAHDEE!!!!” She yelled excitedly as she ran full throttle towards me._

_“She’s certainly yers,” Jenny remarked. I shot her a glare before catching Isla in my arms._

_Her legs wrapped around my waist as she snuggled her head into the crevice between my neck and shoulder. I was right about the added weight to her frame. It was amazing how much change occurred in our time apart. Our video chats showed the maturing of her face, but I didn’t personally see any of the other physical changes in her body. “Missed you,” she said in her clear Bostonian accent. It had an almost posh sound to it like Claire’s, but there was something distinctly American about it._

_“I missed ye as well, mo chridhe.” My lips planted themselves in her hair as I inhaled her baby shampoo. She was a solid mass in my arms and completely mine for the time being. I never wanted to let her go, so I pushed thoughts of her eventual departure away._

_“Hello Jamie,” Julia greeted me tentatively._

_From the moment I met her, I respected her. She raised two children on her own as a nurse, not relying on the money from her husband’s estate and life insurance policy to sustain her. She believed in good old fashioned hard work for getting what you want. She set aside the money for her children in accounts where it would accrue interest. It didn’t mean Claire’s family hadn’t taken an interest in her and Tom’s education and life, but Julia did her best to provide a stable childhood for her children._

_“Hello Julia, I hope ye’re well?”_

_“Oh quite, well I can’t stay long sadly. My flight leaves in about thirty minutes. I wish I could chat with you longer,” her eyes conveyed her sincerity. She wasn’t just a mother-in-law but a mother to me. She was aware of her boundaries as far as the placement of my own mother in my life, but she was there for me whenever I needed her._

_“Thank ye,” I told her. She cupped my face, kissed my cheek, and shared a fond smile. She hugged Jenny._

_Isla was back on the ground, hugging her grandmother and promising to be a good girl. “Tell Bee Bee I miss her and mommy I love her, ‘kay?”_

_“I will love. Behave for your old dad because he isn’t used to the sorts of things you get into now.” She turned her head away innocently as if the accusations against her were completely false and a slight on her good name. “I mean it Isla, or Santa might not bring lots of toys this year.”_

_Isla gasped seriously and planted her hands on her grandmother’s shoulders. “I pwomise, I be good. No worry ‘bout me. Give mommy a kiss for me.”_

_She made strides in her speech development and spoke in complete sentences. “Kiss all my dollies too since I only brought one. I love you lots and mommy and Bee Bee. Baseball game when I get back?”_

_Julia kissed her head and agreed to Isla’s wish._

_Isla turned around to me and Jenny with expectant eyes. “This is yer Aunt Jenny, my sister like Bree is yer sister.” I doubted whether she remembered all the times they met._

_She turned on her charm instantly and Jenny was smitten with the girl even though she had three of her own. Perhaps it was something about your sibling’s kids._

_She scurried behind my leg and poked her head out shyly to sneak a peek at the new stranger. I hadn’t figured her as someone shy, but she was older now, perhaps more wary of people she didn’t know. “Come on ladybug, she won’t harm ye.”_

**_April 2012_ **

_The opulence and grandeur of my surroundings hardly fazed me as I was accustomed to these lavish parties my cousin threw. He viewed himself as worldly, especially as business was booming. Wine was his specialty._

_Jared was known for his extravagance and practically oozing his wealth for all to see. He truly meant no harm, but as a Scottish man residing in France, he wanted to fit in with the wealthy people of Paris. He regularly attended the opera and had box tickets to the ballet. Jared didn’t care for expenses._

_The ballroom was decorated tastefully with fancy draperies hanging across the room and candles lit everywhere to provide mood lighting. String lights were strung across the ceiling with crystal chandeliers as the centerpieces of the room. Men and women were dressed in their best. Men were adorned in their black tie, while women wore elegant ball gowns, most likely perfectly crafted for them by some designer or another._

_Masks hid the faces of all those attending. Waiters passed by frequently with hors d’oeuvres on their trays or glasses of wine._

_People mingled politely as the place reeked with sophistication. It was nothing personal against my cousin just generally it wasn’t my type of party. I was used to smaller, more intimate parties with family and close friends. If it weren’t for my cousin and for Claire, it was unlikely I would have made an appearance._

_“Would you like some wine?” I was thankful for my aptitude with languages and the semester I studied here during university._

_“Yes, thank you,” I plucked the glass of wine from the tray. I needed the courage. My hands shook from anticipation and nerves. This was happening. We were both here, in the same place, at the same time. We were going through it._

_Jenny encouraged me to go, but what she hadn’t known was I already had planned to, if only for the chance to be with her. Jenny thought it would be an amazing opportunity for me to expose myself to the world at large and to slowly integrate back into life. The last two years were rough and full of struggle until I saw the guest list. There she was, a beacon calling me home._

_At first, I thought it impossible. Why would she go to Paris for a charity gala? Then I reached out to her, and she informed of the conference, the mini trip to visit her grandparents, and I knew then that we had to meet up. She agreed immediately and we began to discuss details. It was lucky for us that it was a masquerade ball, and everyone in attendance aside from my cousin and his partner, were strangers. Navigating around the event without anyone noticing us or knowing our entire history would be easy._

_Jenny was suspicious every time she caught me on the phone, but she didn’t know French. It was a benefit that she didn’t have the patience to learn another language._

_Jared invited me as we were beginning to discuss him investing in my business plans for a brewery. He already had some connections, especially in distribution and I did need the money for the start up. I had a few people interested in capitalizing on the opportunity, but with his assistance it could happen a lot faster than if I did it all my own._

_I sipped at my wine as I watched the guests move onto the dance floor at the start of the music. Jared hired live musicians with instruments who began playing the faint notes of a waltz. I waited._

_I attended the event stag, although Jenny encouraged me to put myself out there and meet someone even if it was just company for the night. ‘Dinna stick yer cock in the first thing ye see.’ She warned with the unending and unnerving patience of hers. She had no idea that I was planning to do something she would’ve disagreed with instantly if only because she knew us._

_She slid into the room without anyone noticing her, but I did. Her brown hair was lightly curled and partially pinned back. Her cream and roses complexion complimented her quite nicely. She was fair. From the distance between us, I couldn’t make out her eye color or any other details about her except she was absolutely beautiful. I knew thought that her eyes were a molten gold color. They were warmer and brighter than sunshine when she was happy. She captured the interest of a few men, but the way she carried herself, discouraged anyone from coming closer._

_The dress was what initially drew my eyes to her. Most people had gone for more standard ballroom gowns, but she dressed to shine or at least star in the minds of the men in the room. I buried my envy, aware and confident that at the end of the night, I was the only man who would know what was under her dress. It was a satin, strapless, lace-up dress with pleats, but it was the color, which drew me like a moth to the flame. It was bright red. She always knew how to make a statement with her fashion._

_She was dazzling, although she stayed close to the edges of the room like a wall flower. Her face was mostly covered by a black mask, hiding her best features, her face._

_I began my slow approach and my eyes honed in her as several men came up to her and asked for a dance. Her billowing dress kept them from coming too close._

_I stopped several feet from her and I felt an unnatural hum surround me. I hadn’t felt the stirrings of it since the day I signed my divorce papers. It was how I recognized whenever Claire was near._

_I approached her after she rejected the last man. “Bonsoir,” I greeted her, proud my Scottish accent wasn’t noticeable. “Vous êtes très belle.” I didn’t think I would survive the night if I didn’t touch her soon. Her skin was smooth and milky. She was a temptress of desire. Except, I wasn’t able to give in right away, we had a script to adhere to. We were in a game._

_“C’est gentil de dire ça,” her cheeks were flushed and her eyes sparkled merrily._

_“Vous êtes venue seule?” I was interested in whether or not the beauty of the night was by herself, or if there was a man even if I knew the answer. We had to keep up appearances._

_“Oui, je suis venue seule. Il n’y a que moi, enfin vous et moi mais vous comprenez ce que je veux dire. Je n’ai pas de cavalier ce soir.” Her French was impressive, then again half of her family was French. She spent every summer growing up in the French countryside and then a few interning for her family’s business._

_I swallowed back the bile threatening to make an exit. It was nerve wracking talking to her, pretending I didn’t know her, and that she hadn’t captivated me from the moment we met. “Voulez vous danser avec moi?” I needed to hold her in my arms, to reassure myself this was happening, and was real. I didn’t want to wake up and find out I dreamed all of this up._

_She nodded her assent to my offer. She took my arm as I held it out for her. I couldn’t stop staring at her. There was something mesmerizing and I was spellbound by her._

_“Comment vous appelez vous?” We were strangers and decided to forego using our birth names._

_She bit at her lip nervously, and my eyes automatically tracked the movement. Her red lipstick accentuated her lips and highlighted just how fair her skin was. “Mon nom est…” she paused as if considering her own name. “Elizabeth,”she finally answered. “Et vous?”_

_Our middle names were the perfect solution to our problem._

_“Alexander, mais vous pouvez m’appeler Alex.”_

_She gulped and nodded her head as I lead her around the dance floor. She was very good on her feet, and didn’t need much leading from me. I sensed she was merely humoring me. Our eyes connected and the world disappeared around us as we got caught up in each other._

_3 hours later_

_Her body slammed against the door of her hotel room as my lips remained firmly attached to hers. Our movements were heated and hurried as she tried her best to slide the keycard. As soon as our lips connected, I knew the night would end only one way, with her under me, my name on her lips._

_The door opened and then closed with a loud thud as I backed her into the darkened room. She stopped me as I tried to turn on the light. “Non, n’allume pas la lumière,” her voice a husky whisper. My pants tightened uncomfortably as her voice washed over me. I had to have her. “J’aime quand c’est comme ça.”_

_My lips were soon buried in the delicate skin of her neck as I sucked and nipped at the sensitive skin. She shivered under my ministrations. Our masks were still firmly in place and the lights were turned off in her hotel room. We agreed this was under the guise of a one night stand. The moment our lips met, I knew it was a lie. One night were her could never be enough. I craved her._

_I unzipped the dress that had driven me crazy all night. It pooled around her feet and she stood before me in almost all of her naked glory. She wore a scrap of lace, but there was no bra as I suspected. They were naturally that perky. Childbirth had only made her more beautiful. She moved to cover herself self-consciously, but I halted her movements and admired her beauty. Her body had changed in the last two years. She would always be gorgeous to me though. Her stomach had flattened and her hips flared out a little. She was all woman, no hints of the girl I made love to outdoors for the time._

_“Tellement belle,” I whispered softly to her._

_The only light in the room was from the city outside of our window. I surged forward and my lips met hers. I sunk my tongue into her mouth and she moaned in surprise by my forwardness, not that she was all too bothered as her hands began their descent into my pants. She knew what she wanted and she was going to take it._

_My skin burned with desire at her hesitant touch. She was familiar and a stranger at the same time._

_Ours bodies were pressed so close together, it was hard to know where one began and the other ended. Her skin was so warm and bonny. The taste of her was addicting._

_Her nimble fingers began the arduous task of unbuttoning my shirt. I was shocked she wasn’t bothered enough just to rip it. “Je n’ai pas envie de déchirer ta chemise.“_

_With each button undone, she placed a kiss on my neck as her lips traveled further down. Her eyes flickered with desire as she stared up at me. “Tu es is beau.”_

_I couldn’t believe this was actually happening as I shed my pants and followed her to the bed. “Alex,”she moaned as I placed kisses down the length of her body. It was allsmooth and smelled wonderful like roses. “Non,”she pulled me towards her. “Ce n’est pas nécessaire.” She informed me, and I knew it was true. I could smell her arousal, the way she could feel my own. Our game of foreplay was over._

_I was ready to burst, and if she felt a fraction of the way I did, she was a powder keg ready to explode._

_My fingers explored what lay under the thatch of dark colored curls to find she was so wet. She was more than prepared for the moment I slid myself to the hilt into her body. Her eyes were hooded, hiding the smoky brown color that intoxicated me like a fine whiskey._

_I wanted it all from her. I needed her back in my life. I pictured our nights like this as we made love and exhausted our bodies until we had our fill. I pulled out, only to slide back in causing both of us to cry out in pleasure. Her hands roamed my backside and urged me to continue. Her touch was electric, charging me with each fervent touch._

_I brought my lips back to hers, and she pressed harder deepening the kiss as I slowed my strokes. I wanted the moment to last as long as possible because I had one night with the magnificent creature underneath me. Her eyes drifted shut as she gave herself over to me._

_My hands cupped her breasts. The nipples were a nice, rosy color, it went perfectly with her creamy skin. She groaned as I teased and kneaded them. Her head tossed back as the passion overcame her. Her face was one of ecstasy._

_Her muscles clenched almost painfully along my length, but I held back my orgasm. “Tu peux jouir,” I nearly did at her exclamation. I hadn’t expected her to allow me the privilege of cumming inside of her. “Ne t’en fais pas, tout va bien.” she said, her voice a throaty alto. She was losing control quickly, and I knew with a few more strokes and my fingers, she would be there soon enough._

_It started as a soft fluttering until she clamped down fully on me, milking me for all I’m worth as I released inside of her. She whimpered and cried out “Alex,” as she reached her climax._

_I bit into the juncture of her neck to prevent myself from calling out her true name. We weren’t Jamie and Claire, and something about our interaction felt dishonest. I continued spasming into her, and she rubbed my back, encouraging me as I finished._

_We fell asleep curled around one another. For the first time in two years, I was satisfied. Maybe there was hope for us after all._

_September 2015_

_Dr. Clarkson waited patiently for me. She was easygoing and allowed me to lead our sessions. Occasionally, there was something in particular she wanted to focus on, but most of the time the decision was up to me._

_“I’m no' sure I’m ready for this,” I finally admitted. “How can I ken it’s right?”_

_Four months ago I met a woman. I was attracted to her, but we started out as friends. There was something about her that called to me, and I had to try. I hadn’t been with a woman in over three years. It was time to start anew. Last week I finally asked her out, unable to take the underlying tension between us. Everyone was constantly commenting on our status and if Claire could move on, it was time for me to do so. I was done putting my life on hold. It was time to take control of the car._

_She put down her pad and smiled at me softly. She tucked a strand of her strawberry blonde hair behind her ear as she silently regarded me. “Jamie, I think you’re well aware that there aren’t any guarantees in life. We put ourselves out there knowing there’s potential for us to get hurt. However, we don’t have the benefit of hindsight until an event has passed. If you knew everything from the beginning to end about your relationship with Claire, would you have still pursued her?”_

_It was a tricky question. “Probably, although I would’ve changed how some things happened.”_

_“Oh Jamie,” she chuckled, not in a mean way, but to express her fondness. “We all would like to think so, but it’s those hardships that define us. If we went back and changed every single little negative detail, then we wouldn’t be the people currently sitting in this office. Those acts turned us into ourselves, and we have to accept it.”_

_I absorbed the full impact of her words and the all the things which she didn’t say but implied. “There’s a risk in everything ye do. Ye have tae choose sometimes what’s worth it. We all get some good and bad, but at the end of the day we get to choose whether or not begin again the next.”_

_“I’m nervous,” my voice was a bit shaky. “It’s like giving up on the possibility of...” I trailed off letting her fill in the blanks for herself. Despite it all, I wanted her. She was unattainable, but I had never lost what little hope I had that perhaps the future was where we would meet again._

_She leaned forward, her eyes calculating. “I get ye’ll always have feelings for her, but at the same time ye canna put yer life on hold. Ye have made great strides in securing your life and making something for yerself. Ye deserve the same opportunity as she does tae move on with yer life. If there’s a chance for ye and her, well then it’ll come. And if not, then it’s okay. Ye can be happy without her.”_

_I leaned back and sank into the cushions of the couch as my heart heard what she was saying. That was the crux of the matter. Letting her go was the greatest struggle of my life, but it helped me realize I didn’t need her as a crutch any longer. I was happy. My life wasn’t gloomy skies ahead. I had a family who loved me, friends who supported me, and a business on the rise. My daughters were flourishing. They were in the first and fourth grade, and they loved school so far._

_“Do ye still feel guilt about the last time the two of ye met up?” It was the kindest way she could’ve phrased what happened between us. In all honestly, I pushed away thoughts of that night and morning. I tucked them out of sight._

_The truth was I did feel awful about it. We lied to ourselves and we deserved what the morning brought us for thinking we could come out of such a thing unscathed. We nearly destroyed each other again. “A part of me always will.” It still haunted me._

_“Let’s talk about what scares ye about being in a relationship again?”_

_“Weel I am terrified of disappointing someone. What if we get serious and she wants children? I also dinna ken how I can put my heart out there after what happened last time.”_

_“Jamie in the end it’s all up tae ye. Ye can come up with all of these reasons, but it’s really ye stopping it. Ye’ve worked hard tae get here and made so much progress from our first session until now. I want ye to think about what we’ve talked about and if dating is something ye’re interested, or if ye’re really doing this to prove ye’re over Claire?”_

_My mouth fell open in shock. “That’s what I thought. Dinna hurt someone who doesn’t deserve it if ye’re not serious about it. It’ll hurt ye and her in the end, which I dinnae think ye want.”_

_She was right as usual. “Ye’re right. I’ve got a lot tae consider.”_

_May 2018_

_Somehow Jenny and I were in the same place again, watching her children. Although this time, the younger ones were the only ones participating. Maggie, Jamie, and Kitty were on a blanket surrounded by books and class notes. They had exams in a few weeks and thought themselves much too old to chase after their younger siblings._

_Jamie and I would be headed back to the city at the end of the weekend as I was currently fostering him so he could attend the school he wanted in Edinburgh. Through his marks, he earned himself a scholarship that covered his tuition and his parents paid for his room and board. As a way to earn some pocket money, he worked in the pub on weekends._

_Michael, Janet, and Ian played merrily, their joy infectious. I could almost picture their siblings not too long ago in their place. It was as if one day they all sprouted up like weeds. Ian often felt left behind by his siblings as their was the nearly five year gap between him and the twins. Jamie was eleven by then and Maggie recently turned nine. It was a huge adjustment as they thought their parents were done having children. The three of them were all teenagers and the twins were eleven. It was hard to believe so much time passed. My own children were far from bairns. Next year Isla would turn the dreadful thirteen, and there was nothing I looked forward to less. She was already slipping away from me._

_“So... did ye and Isla have that talk at Easter?”_

_When Isla went home after her winter break, Claire had added an extra week to her punishment when Isla got fresh. Apparently, they were going through a rough patch prior to their departure and Isla picked it back up when she arrived home. Isla didn’t just avoid her mother but me. She blamed me for her unfair grounding and refused to pick up the phone when I called._

_Over Easter, I decided to forget the disaster and focused on our limited time together. I wanted some peace and figured the summer would be a better time to address her behavior._

_“No, and Isla has been getting into a wee bit of trouble. Claire has grounded her twice this year and taken her phone. I thought she was joking when she said she was an old pro, but she wasn’t. She and some friends ditched school to go to a mall.” I wrinkled my nose. “She’s eleven.”_

_Jenny hummed as her eyes narrowed on a brewing altercation between Michael and Ian._

_“Exactly, she’s eleven. This is the time where they start thinking of ways to get attention. Isla is smart and I think it’s yer attention she wants.”_

_I choked. “Och, I give her attention. I’ve devoted countless hours on a Saturday to listening to her complain about her mother. She’s tried to convince me that Claire is the devil and that she’s innocent, except I got the same email from the school about her absence. I tracked her phone too.”_

_“She’s eleven. In her mind, talking or video chatting are no’ the same thing as being there. I’m no’ saying ye dinna do everything ye can for them, but she’s growing up.”_

_“I wish she would stop.”_

_Jenny laughed, her head landed on my shoulder. “I’m sure mam and da thought the same about us. Children grow up. I’ve talked to her. She’s having some troubles. She won’t tell me what they are, but she’s going through something.”_

_I sensed it the last time she was here. She was distant and moody. She spent more time attached to her phone than she did during the holidays. She rarely smiled. She seemed sad, but any time I asked, she brushed me off, muttering it’s nothing._

_“When are the girls arriving?” I was thankful she decided to change the subject. I didn’t know what to do about my eldest._

_“Second week of June, the tickets have been booked. They leave their last day of school.”_

_She nodded as she sharply called out her sons’ names. It was a first warning, and they knew they didn’t want her to come over there to sort them out. “I canna believe how big Brianna is getting. She’s almost the height of her sister. She also looks more like mam with each year.” Jenny was right about that. Brianna did take more after our side than her sister did._

_I still saw her mother in her, but in Isla, aside from the red hair she was practically pure Claire. “How come ye dinna move back?”_

_It was something I considered more than one time over the years, especially as the girls were getting older and older. They were entering years when I wanted to be more actively present in their lives. “I’ve thought about it.” In truth, I was closer to finalizing a decision because I was tired of missing their lives. There was some paperwork I was waiting on, and hopefully I would know soon enough._

_Their mother and I had issues, but it shouldn’t affect my relationship with my children. The distance was more than a problem. It was hours later when I heard about their acts of defiance or nasty behavior they exhibited. Sometimes I was involved in deciding how they were punished, but other times it was out of my hands._

_“Ye ken ye should talk to Claire. If ye wanted to move closer to the girls, a suitable arrangement could be fixed.” I knew Jenny and Claire were still in regular, not awkward or stilted, contact with one another. They spoke at least once a week according to Maggie._

_It was quite warm outside for Scotland. “I haven’t made any decisions yet. I just want to be apprised of my options. Besides I want tae talk to the girls about it before I mention it to Claire.”_

_Her name still sent shivers down my spine and tingles in my nerves. Her name alone had the power to heal and destroy me all at the same time. Besides, there was Alison. We were tentatively back together._

_“Do ye remember the masquerade ball ye attended a few years back?”_

_A frown formed on my face at my recollection of the night in question. I never disclosed the full details of what happened to her because I didn’t want to hear her self-righteousness. I loved my sister, but I was also aware of her faults. I gave a firm nod instead of a vocal reply as my throat seemed to dry up._

_“Weel I kent I made ye go, but I was hoping ye’d run into Claire.”_

_My eyebrows scaled my forehead. “Wh-wha-what?!”_

_She rolled her head nervously as she began to crack all of her fingers. It was a nervous habit of hers. I remembered my ma scolding her more than once about it. She hated the sound. “Aye, but she told me she met someone else that night instead. T’is a pity as I thought it would work between ye. I didn’t want to mention as ye came back from Paris with a chip on yer shoulder. Mentioning her seemed silly.” Jenny shrugged her shoulders._

_“What made ye ask about it?”_

_“I saw yer mask when I was cleaning the attic the other day.” There was something suspicious about her asking regardless of the mask. Why would she care if I didn’t meet Claire? We were divorced and as far as she knew, we were cordial when it concerned our children and kept our affairs to ourselves. “It was on my mind is all. Ye only said it was an unforgettable night. I ken ye needed the time.”_

_Try as I could, it was one night I still couldn’t let go. I could never tell Jenny what really happened._

**_August 2018_ **

_“You’re breaking up with me.” She was resigned. From the moment we met up in the park, there was particular expression upon her face. She was holding back something she wanted to say._

_I opened my mouth, only to close it a few seconds later. She wasn’t incorrect about my intentions for asking her out today. I ducked my head._

_“I figured if we’re being honest. Things haven’t- they- what happened at Hogmanay left a mark on our relationship. We thought we could move past it, but realistically it’s hard to get over your daughter hating me.”_

_“She doesn’t hate ye. She’s angry at me.” She took out that anger on Aly._

_Aly chuckled humorlessly. “No, she really didn’t like me even when we met again that day we went for ice cream. She kept glaring at me and she said… that doesn’t matter. The point is ye dinna not invite me here today to make nice.”_

_“Ye’re right.” She inhaled sharply, turning her head away. Three years was a long time._

_“Have I been just wasting my time these last few years? Because it feels like it. I thought maybe ye would change yer mind about having children and that we would be engaged by this point.”_

_She was five years younger than me. Aly should want those things. I’ve experienced all of that, and wasn’t necessarily ready to jump back into it. Every time I considered taking our relationship further, Isla’s words came back to me. It was those words hurled at me in a fit of anger that propelled me into action._

_I sighed. “I dinna ken. I do love ye.”_

_“But you’re not in love with me,” she choked back a sob._

_My heart thumped erratically. I hadn’t wanted to hurt her. “Please dinna think that these years have meant nothing to me. They’ve been amazing.”_

_“I know you’re moving. I saw a few weeks ago on your table the approval. When were ye going to tell me?”_

_My shoulders sagged. “I… things haven’t been- it’s confusing. With Isla’s accident, the summer was thrown off course. It changed a lot for me.”_

_“Including your feelings for me,” her voice was small and carried her pain. “is it because of her?”_

_Strangely, the conversation reminded me of another one I had fifteen years ago. Was I transparent? “It’s really about being there for my daughters. I am their father, but I’m missing everything. They aren’t going to stay children forever and they’re changing all the time. They’re my everything.”_

_Her face fell. I hated the situation. Aly was good to me. She loved me. I loved her. We had a good relationship. Maybe if things were different, it would’ve gone differently._

_“But it’s also her? I sort of suspected. You didn’t want me around at all when Isla was in hospital. Then we barely talked these last few weeks, I would have to be an idiot not to pick up those hints.”_

_I swallowed back my own pain. “I’m sorry.”_

_She shook her head. “Don’t be. If this is what will make ye happy, ye deserve to have the chance to after it.”_

_I took her hand in mind and slid my other one over her cheek, holding her face in place, brushing away her tears. “I dinna want ye to ever think that ye aren’t enough. You are. I thought all of these years that it was done and I was fine with it. I was happy to be with you. You made me unbelievably happy, and I wouldn’t trade one minute of our time together for anything. I think it was borrowed time.”_

_Her lips brushed against my palm, pressing gentle kisses. “You’re a good man. I hope she’s worth it because you are amazing. I don’t regret our time together. Some things come to an end so some thing better can happen.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? Someone made me think about the fact that it was mentioned Claire had an affair with a professor, and that Jamie and Claire were virgins when they first got together. Jamie wasn't alone during their break-up. 
> 
> What's your favorite book?  
> Mine is one I haven't read in literal years, not since I was like 12 in 2007. It was a book introduced to me by my 5th grade teacher called Each Little Bird That Sings. It's stuck with me over the years.
> 
> For anyone interested, here’s the link to the Spotify playlist for the story. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3HDVqeKBBKZYfCzYvQEodz?si=uUZ-sRh6RjaDEjaBFO7QQQ  
> Although I generally use Apple Music.


	33. Crazy for You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Sunday! I hope you are all continuing to do well given the circumstances. I've just guzzled a lot of coffee while writing this, so I hope you guys like it. Let me know!
> 
> Please bear in mind that this was written 2 years ago and really isn’t meant to reflect current events at all.

**IPOV**

I crawled into her bed a little after nine, stifling a smile as her arms wrap around me, and snuggle in close, enjoying the warmth of her embrace. Whenever I’m in her arms, I’m home and safe. It’s my favorite place to be even when we’re disagreeing. I tucked my head under her chin, inhaling the light scent of vanilla that constantly surrounds her. A happy sigh leaves my lips.

“I thought you were mad at me,” I whisper, not wanting to break this moment of temporary peace between us.

Things weren’t the greatest between us over the last year from the moment I entered sixth grade. Some days, every thing was great, and we didn’t argue at all. Other days, every little thing she did irritated me to the point where I would snap at her. She had a tendency to get overbearing and it was annoying. She asked too many questions about school, my friends, and other aspects of my life. She never took ‘fine’ as an acceptable answer, and my frustration from a previous disagreement would boil over into that one.

Being angry with her constantly was hard. It took effort to maintain, some days I was too tired, and she didn’t deserve it.

Her lips brush against my forehead, they’re a balm. “I’m disappointed. The anger dissipated yesterday.”

I burrow deeper into her arms, unsure if I believe her. It sounds too good to be true, and if it is, I don’t know how I feel about it. “Really?” Her arms tighten around me and she nods her head. “Oh.” I’ve stayed mad at her longer than she’s ever been angry with me. Actually, she’s usually more disappointed than anything, which is worse than anger. Disappointment sits heavily in my stomach and my brain whirs restlessly in an attempt to figure out a solution.

Her breath puffs against my forehead, disturbing some of my baby hairs. It tickles. “Isla, I just think we’re too much alike sometimes.”

Strange as that was what Aunt Jenny kept telling me whenever we spoke on the phone. She told me I reminded her a lot of my mom when she was younger, and nana had said something similar. I’ve wondered if there wasn’t some truth in that, but part of me wants to rebel against the notion we’re anything alike. “Why do you say that?”

She tilts my head up and I can see her eyes for the first time since I came into her room. There’s a lot of emotions swirling around, but the love, I could never miss that. I’ve never doubted it either.

“I suppose I should tell you about my own youth. If you think you’re the one who invented skipping school, then you’ve got nothing on me. I skipped school, smoked a little when I was fifteen, which you’re not allowed to do ever, cursed my teachers, and did everything I could to make those around me miserable. The thing is I didn’t know why I did those things. They didn’t make me feel as good as I thought they would. Instead I felt worse about the people I was hurting like my mum and brother. They wanted to support me in whatever way they could, and I made it difficult for them.”

The reflection of her honesty in her eyes startles me. It’s not as if my mom is a liar by trade, however we’ve never candidly spoken about her past. She usually brushes over her childhood after she was eleven. She told us she made bad decisions and that was about it.

“I was expelled from my high school and from sixth form. My aunt and uncle paid a tidy sum when I was nearly expelled from another school. My mum made me start attending therapy, and I won’t say it was helpful to me at that stage because it really wasn’t. I didn’t want to be there and I should’ve taken it more seriously than I did. I buried my issues in school, relationships, and pretended it was fine for a long time. I slapped a band-aid on my trauma. Losing my dad was,” she sighs mournfully, and her sadness permeates the air, it’s potent to the extent I can feel it, the heaviness. “He was my best friend. I love my mum, but my dad was my everything. We had our own made-up language and we got each other. I was young, and it was confusing watching him deteriorate day after day in the hospital.” I didn’t have any words, she had stolen them from my lips. Death, while not an entirely foreign concept, wasn’t something that had infiltrated and impacted my life, the way it had hers. “Doing all that dumb stuff hurt me, and that’s what I wanted. I wanted to feel the pain.”

“Do you th-think that’s what I’m doing?” I’m uncertain if I want to hear her answer.

“I think it might be something you’re doing unconsciously. You’re terrified about this side of yourself you’ve yet to discover.” She wasn’t wrong. “Being twelve or nearly twelve,” she pushes back some of my hair so that she can look at me. “It’s a confusing time where the world seems upside down and you’re trying to figure out how you fit into it. That feeling never really goes away, but as you get older you start to feel more comfortable in your own skin when you accept who you are. It seems there’s no one for you to talk to, but I promise there are lots of people in your corner who love and support you; who only want to see you succeed in life.”

“How do you do that?”

Her brow crinkles. “What?”

“Make me feel better even though I’ve been a little snot.”

“I won’t deny the snot thing, but I just told you what I wish someone would’ve told me sooner. I didn’t make the change until the year I met your dad, but the real changes didn’t come until that loneliness, the darkness that had remained infected and tarnished my life. I let it in and when I attended therapy again as an adult, I made it a mission to start implementing changes into my life. I wanted to be a different person.”

“It didn’t feel as good to post that stuff about Addie or to play those cruel pranks. Maybe it did for her, but at the end, the guilt was too much to handle. I wanted to confess when they finally called me into the office. I don’t know how it got so out of control.”

“That happens. A situation seems under control one minute, and then the next, it’s like the ground has been snatched from under you.”

“That’s exactly it.” I play with the bottom of her t-shirt, desperately wanting to avoid what’s being left unsaid.

“What is it?” She knows me too well, but playing with her shirt was something I had always done.

“When I heard that she cried after one of the rumors I spread about her, I cried. I didn’t think my words were worth that, but…” I choke out a sob as tears blur my vision. My dad was right yesterday when he told me about how this wasn’t the type of person I wanted to be.

She glances at my sympathetically and wipes away my tears. “Nothing rarely ever feels as good as you imagine even revenge. You’ll never fully rid yourself of the guilt and shame, but it gets easier as time passes.”

Those weren’t the words I wanted, but my mom rarely sugarcoated the facts for me. She told it straight up. I appreciated her rip off the band-aid approach in contrast to dad’s empathetic one where we talked the subject to death. I love my parents equally, but often it is my mom who speaks my language.

“I’m going to apologize. I’ll never be her friend again because I can’t trust her again. I just don’t want to be,” the words escape me, or maybe I’m afraid of the connotations.

“A bad person,” my mom finishes for me.

“Yeah,” I mumble.

“Bad people rarely ever wonder if they’re terrible. You’re a good person and maybe misguided at times when you try to solve your problems yourself, but there’s nothing inherently evil about you. I’m proud you’re going to apologize and at least put the situation behind you.”

I shift closer to her, resting my head on her chest. Her fingers run through my knotted hair and it’s nice, being with her like this, neither of us having anywhere to go. I drift back to sleep with her fingers stroking my scalp and the sound of her heart thumping in my ear. “Love you mama.”

“Love you too, Ladybug.”

* * *

**JPOV**

My eyes were heavy with sleep as I bid Claire goodbye. She tasked me with staying with our daughter, while she was sick, and since I had contracted whatever bug she had, it worked in our favor. She told me I could stay in the guest room. There was a television and it was connected to the Wi-Fi. I drifted back to sleep not long after her departure. It wasn’t until an elbow dug into me that I was awoken from my uneasy slumber. Two, huge blue eyes stared back at me drowsily.

I pushed back a sweaty strand of her fiery hair to see her miserable face. Her skin was flushed with fever. “Oh baby,” my voice soft as she slid under the comforter and cuddled into my side.

She radiated heat, which wasn’t ideal given my own state, but I couldn’t send her away after all the past times she was sick and I missed it. I wanted to provide her comfort during this time. “Daddy,” she croaked painfully. Her eyes wet with her tears.

I gathered her in my arms and held her close. I reached over to the nightstand for her medicine and handed it to her. It was lunch time, and I knew she shouldn’t really take her medicine on an empty stomach. “Yer mam made some soup for you. Do you want some?” Her head rolled in a way I interpreted as a yes.

Her sickness took a toll on her sunny personality. The life was sucked out of her, and she was a bit pliable. She agreed to anything suggested and spent the day mostly sleeping or watching cartoons. “Do ye want to stay here or come with me to the kitchen?”

I didn’t mind either way, but I’m sure at the moment she had a preference. Aside from using the bathroom, she rarely left her bed. “Stay here,” she cried as her eyes fluttered shut.

I foresaw the nightmare coming my way when I returned to wake her up. She was sometimes hungry, but struggled to keep anything down. She threw up more than she ate, and it was a challenge keeping her hydrated as she wanted to sleep the entire time. She pushed away the gatorade and the water.

When I came back fifteen minutes later, she was curled into a ball with her hair stuck to her sticky face. I set the tray on the nightstand and sat by her to gently wake her. “Bree, ye have to get up. Ye’ve got to eat some food.” Her grumbles were indistinguishable as she turned over and tried to shoo me away. Her mouth moved, but her eyes remained closed. “Come on, just eat a wee bit and then ye can go back to sleep. I promise.”

Her complaints were heard, but she did as I asked. She eyed me skeptically as she took the first bite before her face smoothed into one of assurance. Apparently she didn’t trust my abilities to heat soup. “Mommy made it,” she said. I was a little offended, but Claire’s skills in the kitchen were impressive and surpassed my own.

It was one of the things I was getting accustomed to since my return as she wasn’t the best cook in the world in the past. We relied on take out and some basic kitchen skills to get us by, but neither of us were by any means relaxed in a kitchen setting. The fire department made an appearance at our apartment during an attempt to make chicken. We decided it was safest if we limited our cooking time until one of us learned how to properly cook.

My head pounded against my skull as I slurped a spoonful of my own soup. The headache was always there when I was awake, which was why I enjoyed the blissful hours where my mind thought of nothing and had the opportunity to rest. It was my only solace. 

We both ate as much as we could without our stomachs churning too much. It was good, but neither of our appetites were there to fully savor the taste. I took another dose of medicine before Bree fell asleep with her head on my chest, and I followed her unable to ward off the effects of the medication any longer. My body was too exhausted exhausted to put up much of a fight.

Time blurred as one hour faded into another and darkness settled upon the house. Shadows scaled the walls in their familiarity.

My eyes shot open as my dream suddenly ended. Bree’s soft breaths warmed my chest, and I realized drool pooled on my t-shirt. She took to sleeping with her mouth open because she was so congested.

I stilled at the thud of footsteps trailing up the stairs. Claire was on call tonight, and Isla was to remain at Julia’s to prevent her from catching anything from either of us. The creaking of the stairs filled me with dread, but I was too drained and had Bree on top of me to be able to do anything. There was a pause on the landing before whoever it was decided to head towards Isla’s room. A few minutes later, the door closed, and the visitor made their way to the guest room.

The door scraped against the carpet, each fiber practically catching on the door as it slowly opened. My eyes squinted as light filtered in from the hallway and settled upon Isla’s figure in the doorway.

Her hair was a mass of frizz, untamable and wild, not the sort of look she generally chose, and definitely the opposite of the carefully styled looks she wore when she went to school. Then I noticed her sluggishness as she trudged her way into the room, flicking off the light outside. The door closed with a soft click, but she still moaned at the sound. “Daddy,” she whimpered, the nasally tone present as she crawled into bed on my other side.

“So ye’re sick too. It’s becoming a family affair.” She slid herself in on my other side and laid her head on my bicep. “When did ye start feeling terrible?”

“Last night when I went to grandma’s,” she admitted. “I thought it wasn’t so bad, but then towards the end of school I rushed to the bathroom to throw up. I felt kind of better after so I thought it was fine. I’d taken some medicine before going to school. I threw up in the middle of my violin lesson and my teacher called mom who called grandma who picked me up. It sucked since we were working on a new piece for the upcoming showcase.” She was disappointed. After her suspension was lifted and she no longer had team manager to fill her afternoons, she decided to invest her time in her music lessons. 

I kissed her warm head. “Ye need yer rest. Ye canna possibly expect to get well if ye dinna tell yer mam or I what is wrong.”

It was the slight movement of her head that told me she had rolled her eyes. I ignored it as it had lost its’ effectiveness over the last month. It was a frequent action of hers that I rarely noticed anymore. 

Just as I nearly slipped back into the throes of my dreams, Isla rushed out of bed to the bathroom. The sound of her retching was enough to get me out of bed and rubbing her back as she sobbed inconsolably, her body wracked with dry heaves.

Bree shuffled around and called out from the other room. “It’s alright Bree. Yer sister has just caught our bug.” I heard the rustling of the sheets as she came to investigate and check on her sister.

Her slightly smaller frame knelt next to us as she patted her sister’s head almost a little too firmly and then briefly left before returning with a glass of water for her sister. “Sorry I got you sick,” she apologized contritely.

I wanted to inform her this wasn’t something one generally apologized for as disease was unpredictable. Victims were randomly chosen, and she had no way of knowing her sister would get caught in her radius.

Isla shrugged tiredly, with a soft smile for her sister to show her it was fine. We ambled our way back to bed as I poured out the correct dosage for Isla, handed a chewy to her sister, and then took another dose myself. None of us were in the mood for any type of food after that display, perhaps when we weren’t so tired or disgusted. I clicked on the television.

I flipped through the channels. “Stop,” Isla said as I attempted to bypass _The Princess Bride_. I loathed the movie, but Claire had an unnatural fondness for it, although I thought it was the hero she secretly lusted after in her youth. “I love this movie.” She exclaimed, the happiness in her voice was the reason I kept it on.

I groaned unamused. Claire would introduce this to our young and impressionable daughters. “Me too,” Bree declared. “I love Westley,” her voice took on a dreamy quality as she settled in comfortably beside me. “It’s so sad when Buttercup thinks he’s dead and almost marries the dumb Prince because Westley is the best.”

“He’s a jerk,” Isla agreed. “I’m glad it all works out for them. Westley comes back to life because he loves her so much and they get to be happy.”

It was simply inconceivable my two, well somewhat sensible daughters loved the movie. They quoted all of the lines, especially Montoya’s classic line about avenging his father. I wondered how many afternoons and evenings were spent with their mother just like this, watching some cheesy, cult film from the 80s. It wasn’t a bad movie, but it was far too kitschy in my opinion. Then again, Claire suffered through watching _Die Hard_ with me every Christmas. Her opinion on the movie was clear when she tried to distract me every year with a snog.

I saw the hearts in their eyes as Westley yelled out “as you wish” and Buttercup tumbled down after him.

Claire said she started watching it when was four and sick. It was in the VCR, and she at least knew how to work it. Her mother had left it inside and before she knew it, her daughter was invested in the movie. By the time Julia reappeared with Tom attached on her hip, it was too late. She tried to take out the tape, but the precocious toddler screeched at her mother she was trying to ruin the best part. From then on whenever Claire wasn’t feeling well, _The Princess Bride_ made more than one appearance depending on the length of her sickness. It was her all time favorite.

By the time the movie ended, both girls were wide awake and gushing about one day falling in love and hoping it was as epic. I dreaded the day any boy or girl thought they could take my daughters on a date. It was terrifying as I realized in four years Isla would be the ideal dating age. Her twelfth birthday was near and I wasn’t prepared for her to age another year.

“Dad?” I shook my head to clear my thoughts and focused on the voice of my eldest. Her face showed she was peeved; apparently, it wasn’t the first time she tried to call my name. Isla wasn’t one to hide her annoyance, nor did she try.

I wrapped an arm around her. “Aye lass?”

“Tell us a story about you and mom. Mom never shared any of those stories with us, and you always told us about your adventures as a kid.”

She was right. I purposely omitted anything past age sixteen as they primarily included Claire, and I wasn’t in a state of mind to indulge in the sad tinted memories of our past. Even in the present, those memories were still surrounded by a tinge of melancholy as our story was interrupted. In the time between there were others and we found our own forms of happiness for a time, able to put the other away.

Isla and Brianna looked at me expectantly with a start it occurred I was supposed to be sharing one of the tales of my time with their mother. I had the perfect story. “Let me start from the beginning. I was on the train back to school from Lallybroch. I was living in London with an uncle at the time. There were other seats available, but I spotted this girl whilst we waited for the train on the platform. She was reading some book, to this day I don’t know the title. She hadn’t noticed me because she had zoned out.”

_She was beautiful with ivory skin and dark curls falling loose from her ponytail. I couldn’t make out the color of her eyes from the distance, but I thoughts perhaps they might be dark. It would compliment her nicely. She sat with a straight back, one leg crossed over the other, and radiated poise and grace._

_I watched as she turned each page eagerly, devouring the text. Mini expressions crossed her face as she moved from line to line; it was fascinating to observe. The rest of the world vanished for her as she kept her face in the book. It made me want to know her, to have a chance to speak to her, listen to her voice. I wanted to know what she thought of the book, if she enjoyed reading, and recommend some of my favorites for her. Maybe they could be future gifts if we got to know each other and became friends. There was something about the girl that compelled me. She was different than any of the ones I had met._

_The impending arrival of the train was announced and the girl disappeared from my sight as she gathered her belongings and prepared to board. It worried me because there were stops on the way to London, and it might not be her final destination, which would cut into the time we had together if she gave me a chance. As soon as I boarded I went in search of the mysterious dark haired girl because some part of me felt it would be a mistake not to try. This was my only chance to speak to my mystery girl._

_She was a passing stranger like Walt Whitman once wrote about. I wanted to know everything about her and I knew nothing then. In all of my years no one captivated me the way she did. Lasses in my village attempted multiple times to interest me, but I’d grown with them and knew none of them were right for me, not until an aingeal stepped into my path. She was the missing light to brighten the darkness, which was fitting when I discovered her name. She was light personified._

“Oh dad,” Isla swooned, her eyes soft. “You’re such a sap. I think you’re waxing poetic. Mom is a bright light, but still…” she wrinkled her nose.

Bree swatted her sister for interrupting. “Na uh, I think daddy is being romantic. It’s so adorable he loves mommy that much. It was love at first sight.” She informed her sister with a superior tone, implying she was dumb for thinking otherwise. "I think it's sweet he liked her more than other girl."

“Alright lasses, while ye may no' think it’s true, I really did think that about her. I just knew I had to talk to her if for no other reason than to learn her name.” I wanted to convey to them the importance of that initial meeting with their mother. Every good and bad thing to happen to me since that moment was a result of our meeting, and I wouldn't change a single thing as it gave me my daughters.

Isla chortled, grasping her sides as she laughed. "Dad that sounds more like a fairytale or something in a romance novel than real life. You can’t be serious.”

I realized my daughter was a cynic. "One day, ye're going to find someone, and ye won't be able to explain it. Something will change for ye. Ye're still young yet." She sobered up and I continued with the story.

_There she sat, her head leaned against the window as she waited for the train to finally depart. She appeared as if she were resting with her eyes once again unavailable for my viewing. Her hands were clasped in her lap, and I wondered not for the last time what was happening inside that head of hers. As a strange, I thought she appeared sad and lonely._

_I calmly approached, although my insides were screaming at me. My anxiety spiked as I neared her as this was out of character for me. I had never shown any interest in a girl, and I attended an all boys school. I rarely interacted with girls outside of my sister. My palms sweated and I did my best to wipe them on my jeans to cover up my apprehension as I reached her section._

_She was young. I figured she was around my age. “Do ye mind if I sit here?” My voice sounded controlled even though I wasn’t. I was seconds away from squeaking, especially if she told me no._

_Her eyes flashed open to reveal golden orbs that travelled to the depths of my soul. There was a wariness and a spark of irritation in her eyes, I was an interruption, but her face remained impassive until a slight divot appeared between her brows. “Uh sure...” her hands gestured to the seat across from her._

_She quickly readjusted her position. I felt bad for forcing her to change her position to something less comfortable. We sat there for a few minutes, the silence almost overwhelming as neither of us knew what to say. I had only gotten as far as I asking if the seat was free, and hadn’t thought of a way to start conversation with the silent girl._

_Voices of the other passengers filtered into my consciousness, but I blocked them out as my gaze kept returning to the girl across from me. It was borderline ridiculous and I finally introduced myself after noticing her stealing glances at me. Someone had to do it if only to cut the tension. “I’m Jamie,” I offered shyly, my bravado suddenly failing me._

“Dad, you’re usually so cool. How could mom make you nervous?” I ruffled her dark red hair, receiving a scowl in return.

It comforted me to know she had yet to feel this way about anyone. “Ye’ll understand when ye’re older.” She didn’t appreciate my answer, but allowed me to continue my story.

_“My name is Claire,” her eyes lighting up as her lips curled into a smile. She held out her small, smooth hand for me to shake._

_I was a bit amused by the formalities as it was rare to find someone around our age actually engaging in a handshake. I appeased her by taking her proffered hand in mine. The moment our hands connected, I knew she was it for me, and our ride couldn’t be the end for us, I refused. I thought I was staring into the darkness when the sky lit up with thousands of stars. She was the brightest of them all. That was just a touch. I wondered what would happen if we kissed. Her lips looked so soft and I wondered if they felt as soft and gentle as they appeared._

Both girls pulled away, their faces failed to disguise their disgust at my words. “Ew daddy, that’s nasty. It’s cute that you want to kiss her, but we don’t want to actually hear or see it.” Isla’s head bobbed across from her sister’s in complete agreement with her statement.

_I kept our hands together for as long as was socially acceptable, but I had to pull away in order to avoid another awkward moment. Coldness settled over me and I was lonely again without her touch. The stars barely twinkled in the night sky, nothing but dim embers of a dying universe._

_It was then I realized her accent indicated she was a Sassenach and not a Scot. I thought it might’ve been one of the many London accents I heard regularly. There were enough of them in the city. “Are ye from England?” I asked her, aware of the answer before posing the question, but requiring the confirmation._

_“Yes, I was born and raised in London. Where are you from?” I loved the sound of her accent already, how it glided silkily over syllables. It was lovely. She was lovely._

_She leaned forward, which was an unconscious action for her. I saw as her face reddened, and I thought she didn’t seem the type to easily get embarrassed. I marveled at her rosy complexion and realized our meeting was having an effect on her. It eased my nerves to know I wasn’t the only one affected._

_“I’m just from outside of Inverness. I was home visiting family. I actually attend school in London.” It occurred to me I had a chance with her, to explore what was between us if our meeting went well. We resided in the same city, and while there several other million people in the city limits, it was fate that brought us both to this train where we could finally meet. There was no other explanation. We were in the right place at the right time._

_It turned out we were both sixteen. She was a bit older than me, but I always fancied an older woman for myself. We talked the entire ride back to the city. The hours faded as time ceased to exist for us. It sped up as the conductor announced the next station, and Claire noticed it was hers. Her face fell when she realized our time was nearly over. I was suddenly nervous about what she thought and if she wanted to continue our contact or attribute the train ride as kindness from a stranger. Then she did the unthinkable and gave me her number, and invited me to ring her some time._

_I thanked her on the outside as I pumped my fist on the inside. It was incredible that a sophisticated and poised girl like her would find me remotely interesting and provide me, a stranger with her number. I essentially lived on a farm while she was a city girl. The moment she stood, the train jerked, knocking her off balance and into my lap._

“It was the first time I called her Sassenach,” I glossed over the other bits, wanting to avoid traumatizing them for the rest of their lives. “She sniffed me too and then quickly rushed off the train as the door opened. I called her later that day, and we actually stayed friends for a while until we snogged or made out as ye Americans say.”

“Okay but you said that was the beginning and not the actual story you wanted to tell.”

I seriously blundered on that one. “It isna terribly romantic, and I was positive yer mam was never going to want to date me after our first date. It was truly one of the worst dates first or otherwise.”

_October 2000_

_I spent two months working up the courage to finally ask her on a date. It baffled me how she could remain single, especially as I saw how other mens’ eyes lingered on her, appreciating her body, or how they flirted with her when we went out. She thought I was being daft and ignored it, but I knew they saw the beauty in her as I did. She was attractive and smart, probably one of the smartest people I knew. She could outwit nearly everyone. And well, I wouldn’t deny her body was a part of my attraction to her._

_Our date took place the same day we first kissed. I was shocked when she said yes. I don’t know what exactly I was expecting. It just seemed so impossible she returned my feelings, there was no indication as far as I could tell they were reciprocated until she kissed me back. Her mother’s arrival home provided me the time to gather wool and collect myself. I wanted to do this the right way and take her on a proper date instead of skipping a few steps._

_I planned a date I hoped she would enjoy. I tried not to spend too much money as any spare pound went into my savings for university. Our family estate brought in a modest income back then and my da had more to worry about than how he was going to pay for university and my other expenses. I wanted it to be special though because I was already aware of my innate desire to impress her; she came from a wealthy family and I didn’t want her to think I was simple or boring. i wanted her to find me as interesting as I found her. That desire made me out to be a fool more than once as the night progressed. Sometimes it seemed as if we’d spent multiple lifetimes together, and then other times it was like no time with her would ever be enough for me. I learned things about her all the time including her love of theater. She preferred plays over musicals and was very much into the classics like Shakespeare._

_I did some research prior to asking her and discovered the Globe Theater had a production of A Winter’s Tale running. I made a reservation at the theater’s restaurant to lessen the amount of travel. The seats weren’t the best, but it was what I could afford on my budget._

_In total, I had around eighty pounds available for the date. I had purchased my ticket home, which cost me a bit and I was still searching for an after school job after I had to quit my previous one. If I had to pinch a few pences, it would be fine as long as I could treat her with a night out. I had to pay for the cab ride there and back and dinner. I prayed we stayed within the limits of my budget, stressing endlessly about expenses. I wanted to lessen the time we had to walk anywhere as it was cooler outside as we neared November. Claire had gotten over a bout of sickness two weeks previous and if I could make it easier on her, I would. I would do anything for her._

_I arrived back at her apartment a few hours later dressed in nicer pants and a button up shirt with a tie. I wore a jacket to complete the look. The door opened to reveal the most beautiful specimen on the planet. There were truly no words to describe her and if there were, my brain was too fried to find them. She was radiant with lightly applied make-up and her curls pinned back, showcasing her face. She wore a simple black dress that hugged the curves of her body with a simple black heel. A string of pearls adorned her neck, and I pictured my mother’s pearls sitting there one day. She wore a matching pair of earrings as she slid on her coat._

_I saw her mother hovering in the background with a gentle, encouraging smile. At least she approved of our decision to progress our relationship to something more, I had discussed it and my plans for Claire’s birthday with her. She was nothing but supportive of my actions. I was however, mortified when she entered earlier that I stuttered something or another before making haste and getting out as fast as I could to prevent further embarrassment. I had turned into a bumbling idiot and my babbling was worse than Claire’s when she was nervous._

_The cab waited below for us and I held out my arm for her, which she took with a satisfied, smug grin. “Jamie, where are you taking me?” She begged to know, but I refused to divulge my secrets. It was a surprise. I had to use every advantage I had and this was my chance or I would be stuck as her friend permanently. I needed to make a perfect impression._

Isla snorted as Bree exclaimed loudly, “DADDY! You always say there’s no such thing as perfection.” She wasn’t wrong. I set myself up for failure on our date by trying to attain something that doesn't exist. It was one of the reasons I tried to instill in my daughters the importance of giving their best effort instead of reaching for a goal they could never achieve. I would rather see them trying to get better than to believe they’d attained perfection and didn’t need to improve.

“Aye, I learned from my experience trying to make it perfect for yer mother how bad it can get. It doesn’t feel so good when ye feel like ye've failed. And that night, I was a disaster.”

“I don’t see how it could go poorly dad. You took mom to the theater, the weather doesn’t seem too bad, and while you aren’t rich, it isn’t like you didn’t have any money. Mom loves the theater too, which was a great idea on your part.”

“Just ye wait, I haven’t gotten to the worst of it.” She looked doubtful about my assertion, but gestured for me to continue my story.

_I paid the cab driver when we arrived. It was a sizable amount, more than I expected, and I cringed when I realized I might have to dip into my savings with my bank card. “You know you don’t have to pay for everything,” she told me._

_Claire and I usually split things or switched off paying for stuff whenever we hung out, but this was a date. I was the one who asked her on a date. It was my duty to bear the costs. “Dinna worry about it, Sorcha.”_

_Her eyes met mine and I saw the burning confusion in her golden eyes. I saw a lot of things in them. “It’s yer name in Gaelic. It means light, and I think ye’re my light.”_

Both of my daughter groaned in embarrassment as they began to giggle uncontrollably. “Dad,” they cried out at the same time. “You are so cheesy.”

Bree covered her face, shaking her head, muttering about my ‘corniness’.

“Do ye want me to finish the story?”

_I used a fair bit of my cash for the cab, and realized I would need to use my bank card for the meal if I wanted to pay for the return ride home. We arrived early for the pre-dinner at the Swan Restaurant. I wanted the three course with the starter, main course, and dessert. She deserved a proper date and given her family, I knew she was accustomed to a fancy life._

_I wanted to bash my head into a wall when I saw the prices on the menu. I plastered on my biggest smile so she wouldn’t know I was panicking internally. It wasn’t that I didn’t have money. I spent every summer holiday since the age of twelve working for our neighbors and my da. I did everything I could to earn money; I just rarely spent it. It was a date, I reminded myself, and it was for Claire. I wanted to make the night unforgettable to her._

_“So why today?”_

_I blinked at her, unsure of her meaning. “Let me clarify, why did you choose today to finally ask me out? We’ve spent a lot of time together, and I was beginning to think, you weren’t interested in me like that.”_

_It dawned on me she was unaware of how long I harbored feelings for her. I reached across the table to grasp her hand, interlocking our fingers and the fireworks exploded on the inside of my eyelids. It was as if I were walking in a world of grey and she brought color to everything. “Claire, since I’ve met ye I’ve been working on a way to ask ye on a date. I was nervous, ye ken? Ye’re this amazing person with all of these interests and I’m me.”_

_She frowned unsatisfied with my words. “Jamie, I happen to like who you are.” Her eyes looked down to where our hands were clasped on the table. “I’ve waited practically every day since we met for you to ask me on a date. I hoped you returned my feelings, but as time passed I began to wonder...” her voice drifted off sadly._

_I could’ve kicked myself for not realizing she waited for me to be ready the same way I waited for some kind of signal from her to inform me she liked me in return. A bit cowardly but I didn’t know how to capture her attention, and I was still learning how to read her. Her facial expressions belied the words she said, and I often thought about what went on inside of her brain and the words she held back out of fear of rejection._

_“Ach, Claire,” I was speechless. She stole the words from me again. Of all the possibilities I considered prior to today, I estimated I had a less than fifty percent chance of success in terms of getting Claire to accept a date with me. Recently, she began to talk about a classmate of hers from school, and the way she spoke of him, I had to wonder if he was someone she desired. Was he brave enough to admit his feelings for the lovely Claire? I knew she wasn’t some sort of consolation prize. I never thought of her in that way. She just had so many options and I was just a farm boy from Scotland. “I am mucking this up, aren’t I?”_

_Her eyes flashed with confusion at my question. “Jamie, you aren’t. Truly I love this. I love the theater and really any time spent with you. Even a walk along the Thames would’ve been perfectly fine. I love our time together.” She was so heartfelt and I wanted to feel deserving of it so much. “Time with you is special and I look forward to it.”_

_The first course arrived, interrupting any further discussion. We both went with the terrine. Neither of us spoke much, and our eyes briefly met when we tried to peek at each other through the thick of our lashes._

_I didn’t want to mess the date up more than I already had. By the time the second course arrived, I didn’t know how to talk to her. It was different when we played the game of friends, but truth be told she was never just a friend to me. I coveted her heart the entire time and was afraid after tonight, she would realize that I wasn’t worth the time._

“Jamie, you’re telling it all wrong.” All three of our heads snapped up in the direction of the doorway to find Claire there with a silly grin on her face. There were dark circles under her eyes, but ultimately she looked so happy. “It seems there was a scheduling issue and too many attendings were on call tonight. I was sent home with the possibility of being called in later.”

She sat in the chair in the corner and her legs stretched across the ottoman. She threw the blanket over her lap. There were blankets all over the house. Apparently with the three of them, there was no such thing as too many. “You’re dad didn’t ruin anything. We were both very unsure and anxious about the date. I was as nervous as he was because I’d been waiting ages for him to finally ask. I kept hoping he would get all of the hints I threw his way, especially when I mentioned my classmate Sam. Your dad is a bit dense though, and I really thought he saw me as just a friend.” I glowered playfully at her. She winked back, a saucy smile adorning her lips.

“Alright your dad lost...”

_When it came time to pay, it turned out I’d lost my wallet somewhere between the cab and the walk to the theater. I began to panic internally because I couldn’t fathom how I would pay for the meal. It was nearly sixty pounds and that was without the gratuity added._

_A stroke nearly came over me when Claire slid her wallet out of her purse and placed her own card inside. My face flamed because this certainly wasn’t how I planned the night to go. I was the one who invited her and here she was bailing me out, and I felt pathetic._

**_CPOV_ **

_An uncomfortable stretch of silence settled over us, and I couldn’t figure out the latest cause. Things were going great between us from the moment he arrived on my doorstep and when we had gotten over our first date nerves, but then the food came out and his attitude dipped._

_Jamie was stiff and formal after I covered the expenses of the meal when he couldn’t find his wallet. His hand was like lead on my back as he escorted me into the theater. I didn’t honestly care about the seats as with any play, it was the live experience that truly mattered. To feel the emotions pouring out of the actors and to sit in an atmosphere reminiscent of one hundreds of years prior was a thrill. I was delighted he wanted to go to the theater. My last boyfriend would’ve refused outright._

_I hadn’t thought he was a theater type. He read the classics, but that wasn’t a confirmation of anything._

_During the performance, he fisted his hands in his lap refusing to touch me at all even going so far as to shy away from my touch when I tried to grab his hand, and I thought I ruined it. He didn’t want to hold my hand and wanted the date over as soon as possible because he realized that I wasn’t really what he wanted. He refused to glance at me or make any eye contact. His face had a stony expression and his jaw was clenched tightly. “I have to use the restroom. I’ll be back,” I informed him at intermission. I bit back the tears forming in my eyes, refusing to allow him to see the effect he had on me. I didn’t want him to know I was pathetic enough to cry over him._

_I rushed to the ladies room to have a nice cry in one of the stalls._

“Daddy made you cry?” Bree was aghast as she stared at her father in disbelief. “You always say to treat mommy nice and not make her cry.”

A watery chuckle crossed my lips. That was my Brianna, always saying whatever popped into her little head. “Well lass, I dinna ken she was crying.” It was true. I touched up my make-up after I splashed some water to hide the evidence of my tears. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.

_By the end of the play, my hands nearly lost all of the blood circulating as I had them firmly clasped together in my lap. I hadn’t paid any attention to the last half of the play as I seethed at Jamie’s behavior. It was his entire idea to go on the date, and then he got all shirty for no reason and then decided he wanted nothing to do with me halfway through. We could’ve left after dinner if it was such a problem to be out with me. No one forced him to ask me out. He had free will and chose this. I just wanted to go home and forget it ever happened. I wanted to forget stupid boys named James Alexander Malcolm Fraser even existed and eat ice cream while I sobbed over a boy._

_We walked over to the Southwark Bridge to find a black cab so I could finally get away from him. He clearly didn’t want to be around me, and that was fine with me as the feeling was very much mutual at that point. I thought we were moving towards something with the potential to be great. Apparently it was all in my head, and he didn’t deserve my tears if he was going to behave like a jerk._

_There was barely a wait for a cab as we’d been amongst the first out of the theater. I needed air and space from him, especially if I had a chance of recovering from my feelings for him and wanted to preserve what little friendship there was between us. For the time being, I would have to lock them away and push away the thoughts that made my heart flutter like his lopsided smile or the way his hair flopped in his eyes. Maybe we could get to the point where we would be friends again, which would hurt, but I didn’t want him out of my life completely. I saw how girls stared and flirted with him regularly whenever we were out together, he was a catch. He didn’t realize it, but his natural charisma drew them in and he inadvertently flirted back with them. I wasn’t much to look at beside them, but somehow he managed to make me feel as if I were the only girl in the world._

All three of them stared at me with open mouths. The resemblance between them was very much present in the moment. “Mom,” Isla sputtered as Jamie said my name.

“Ye canna honestly believe that. If anything, it is them that dinna hold a candle to ye. Ye’ve always been extraordinarily stunning.” He would’ve added some other things if not for the presence of our impressionable daughters in the room.

“Yes mommy, you’re the most beautiful mommy on the planet.”

Tears fell from my eyes at my family. They were so sweet. “This was years ago.” Although the reproachful look I received from Jamie told me the discussion wasn’t over, and we would definitely revisit the conversation when we got to later.

“Anyway...” I continued, bringing their attention back to the story. It had been so long since I thought of that particular day. I held the memories close to my heart because that day was memorable. I usually stopped them after my mom caught us on the couch because everything else hurt far too much to think about.

_I slid immediately to the opposite end, and made it clear with my body language I wanted my space from him. My face was turned towards the window as I tried to hide my dismay and my tears at my failure. I supposed it wasn’t meant to be. That thought wounded me the most, and my heart clenched almost painfully as the first tear spilled over. I hastily wiped it away as to not let him know what he’d done to me. He shouldn’t have to feel guilt it was such a disaster and I was a terrible date. The tension was palpable and even our driver felt it. He kept his eyes on the road, not daring to make a sound._

_Relief washed over me as the cab pulled in front of my flat. The city blurred past, and I hadn’t realized I recognized most of the streets for the last ten minutes. I quickly exited the cab and ignored Jamie’s pleas until I heard him tell the driver to wait a few minutes as he chased after me. I wasn’t quick enough to escape him and he cornered me, grasping my hand before I had the chance to sprint._

_“Ah Dhia!,” his voice a mournful cry when he saw my blotchy complexion and red eyes. “Sorcha,” my eyes fluttered as his honeyed voice washed over me. His hands framed my face as he gently tipped my head back. “Open yer eyes, please,” he begged, the rawness in his voice compelled me to listen._

_His eyes shown brightly and swirled with a brilliance of blue and grey hues. What struck me was the love I saw in them directed at me. I gasped as he lowered his head to mine and tentatively brushed his lips against mine before pressing harder. His mouth urgent and insistent as he traced my lips with his tongue._

_My mouth welcomed his and my arms wrapped around his neck. I pressed my body to the length of his and felt him respond. It did wonders for my ego to know that I was the one causing the reaction in him._

_We pulled back slightly out of breath, but our bodies were still touching as we realized our time was soon ending. His thumbs gingerly caressed the sides of my face as he stared at me. “Ye dinna do anything wrong,” he told me, the promise on his lips. He shushed me when I opened my mouth to immediately protest his assertion. “It was embarrassing for me. I’ve never wanted to impress someone as much as ye in my life. Losing my wallet and having ye pay for the meal was humiliating. It was disappointing and I didn’t feel good enough for ye.”_

_I found his statement vaguely sexist and told him so. “Sassenach, it matters not to me if ye pay in the future, but I was the asker in this case. I invited ye on a date and then I couldn’t even pay for the meal. At least I already had the tickets.” It occurred to me he planned for so long to make the night special, for me. He did all of this for me._

_It wasn’t exactly the magical night I imagined, but somehow all these misunderstandings fit us. It made for a memorable night. “I just wanted to make it special for ye. I really lo-like ye Claire.” I was shocked because he was going to say love. He loved me. I rejoiced and whooped with joy. James Fraser loved me. I was the one he loved. It was unbelievable. Even though he couldn’t say the words yet, he felt them. It meant more to me than any silly date. He had inadvertently made the night special with his words. I would never forget it for the world._

_I stood on my toes and kissed him hard. My fingers tangled in his hair, and it was like I was in my own personal heaven. “I’ve got to go,” he sounded like he was in agony at the thought of leaving me. I related because I felt the same. I wasn’t ready to part from him, but I had a curfew._

_“I ken,” he pulled back with a cheeky grin at my use of a word from one of his many tongues and swooped down to capture my lips yet again. The first drop fell and then more joined it, but I didn't care as long as he never stopped kissing me._

_His lips were soft and fitted against mine perfectly. We were both greedy for more, but he had to go home and couldn’t keep the meter running forever. Also if we stayed in the rain for too long, we both would be sick. “Do you need money for the taxi?” I asked him as it suddenly occurred to me he lost his wallet and didn’t have any cash on him._

_He shook his head. “My uncle will cover it when I get home. Goodnight Claire,” he kissed my forehead and his lips lingered longer than necessary. I knew why he hadn’t kissed my lips and smirked at him. I watched as he left and stayed outside until I could no longer see the cab anymore. I was drenched, not that I particularly noticed or cared. All that mattered was Jamie and I were together, and he loved me. I sort of fell against the door in complete and utter astonishment at what transpired between us. It was the greatest day of my life. We managed to salvage what was admittedly not the best date, and the day was once again at the top of list of my favorites._

_It was as if a spell were cast on me as I floated up to my apartment and past my brother and mother who were asking questions about night. I laid (after taking a shower and burying myself in warm pajamas) in bed touching my lips, feeling the phantom tingle of his lips, and dreamt about the day where curfews and cabs wouldn’t matter anymore and he could kiss me as long as he liked._

“Oh dad, who knew you were such a romantic?” Isla’s eyes were clouded over with the thought of love. “How am I ever going to find someone who can measure up to those impossible standards?”

From his expression I read the smugness. He found her statement a positive one. “You definitely want to find one like your dad. She doesn’t have to be perfect, but she certainly should make you feel like she is, flaws and all.” I told her. “By the way, how did you start telling them this story?”

“Well ye’ve managed to sway them into loving _The Princess Bride_ , and I had to sit through it again with another generation.” He winked at me with his famous cheeky grin. “They asked and I canna refuse them anything. I told them about the day we first met because it was an important one and it led to all the best things in my life.”

I couldn’t have said it better if I tried. “I’ll have you know that it’s one of the best films ever and is regarded as a classic.”

He held a mischievous glint in his eyes. “It’s certainly a classic, a classic in bad story telling.” Both girls gasped offensively. “DADDY!” I laughed because they were on my side and it was three against one. We outvoted him on this one.

“Alright, well I think it’s time for all of you to get some rest. I want to check your temperatures and then give you all another dose of medicine.”

They grumbled a bit, but complied with my wishes. Jamie and Bree’s fevers were down from this morning, Isla spiked one. She was a bit higher than them, but I knew she’d be fine. When we got a little more medicine and some fluids in her, she would recover. It never hurt anyone to take a few days at home to rest. They all dutifully took their medicine. I kissed the girls and brushed my lips over Jamie’s forehead. “I love you all.” I never thought taking care of my family could be such a meaningful experience, but my heart was so full.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone interested, here’s the link to the Spotify playlist for the story. It's what I listen to when I'm writing and has nearly all the songs for which the chapters are named. It's really eclectic.  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3HDVqeKBBKZYfCzYvQEodz?si=uUZ-sRh6RjaDEjaBFO7QQQ
> 
> Do you make music playlists? If so, what's the one you listen to the most?  
> This is tricky since all of mine have different purposes from mood playlists to decades, to musicals/broadway, and story playlists. I would say the one with my favorite songs from different movie/tv scores is my most listened to.
> 
> You can hit me up on social media. I really like talking to you guys. I'm on tumblr, twitter, and insta.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are about to get to the good stuff, just you wait. I'm really excited about the chapter that comes after this one.
> 
> I’ve really screwed myself with the order of the chapters and combing chapters, that sometimes I’m seriously confused lol

**JPOV**

I stared at my calendar uncomprehendingly because surely it couldn’t be right.

 _October 19_ glared back at me, and I found myself deeply saddened by it. Today was Isla’s twelfth birthday, and in a year she would be embarking on her journey into her teenage years.

I recalled without the slightest effort the day she came into the world far too early, but completely and utterly perfect. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her.

From the moment I knew of her existence, I loved her. There wasn’t a time where I didn’t love her, and it was unfathomable to me that my daughter was twelve years old. Yesterday she was a little girl, seeking solace in my embrace, begging for kisses on her imaginary injuries, and laughing at all of my jokes as if they were funny. Today, she was a year away from thirteen, but already displaying signs of pulling away, becoming just that bit more independent. She no longer needed me to cut the crusts off her sandwiches or to tuck into bed or to check for monsters under her bed and in her closet.

Isla came off her grounding just in time for her birthday. Claire and I agreed on holding onto her phone a little longer as we wanted Isla to connect with the world on a personal level, not through her phone. We had no issues with the use of technology, but with the way our daughter wielded it. She had in fact apologized to Addie; the other girl grudgingly accepted it, and we along with Addie’s parents further discussed the situation, unwilling to allow another situation like that to happen again.

Whether Isla learned from the experience had yet to be determined, but she had accepted her punishment gracefully and rarely took out her frustration on myself or her mother.

With the cooling temperatures and falling leaves, we transitioned from summer into autumn. Bree was tasked with raking the leaves, but not before she jumped into piles of them. She didn’t care if there were any bugs at all as she created huge mounds of crispy leaves. Her laughter and joy carried into the open windows of the house each time I was there. Her sister had other household duties she was responsible for performing.

The school year had officially kicked off with Isla and Bree bringing home homework and projects at regular intervals. Isla was in the midst of preparing for a recital held around thanksgiving.

Football had taken over much of Brianna’s after school free time. Bree had a tournament at the end of September, which I attended with her. Her team didn’t win, but Bree saw it as an opportunity for them to improve themselves and work on their skills and teamwork. I was immensely proud of her for not dwelling on the negative side of things. It was special as it was the two of us and the smile hadn’t left her face the entire weekend. There was no greater feeling in the world.

On this particular Friday, Claire had requested the weekend off and most of my plans for my business were underway. One of my friends from grad school signed on as a business partner, and he was handling things for the weekend. We were on our way to pick our daughters up from school for a birthday surprise. We were going to spend the entire weekend together as a family. Sure, we had dinner twice a week, but it wasn’t the same as taking the time to properly bond as a unit of four.

Claire and I hadn’t defined anything, neither of us had free time, so later was constantly pushed back until we could find the time to discuss what we were, where we saw this going. The most talking and planning we had done concerned our daughter’s birthday.

We had informed Bree’s coach she wouldn’t be attending the game on Saturday as we were going out of town. We didn’t want to inconvenience anyone, but we thought taking the girls somewhere for the weekend was the best way to celebrate Isla’s birthday. We were starting anew, all of us, and it was important we took all of these little moments given to us. We were agreed on never taking any of this for granted.

I parked the car in the lot as Claire and I got out of her SUV. After the girls left for school this morning, we packed their clothes and loaded the car. We planned the trip three weeks ago as we debated about what to do for her birthday. The following weekend, she was having a small party with her friends, but this one was just for us. We didn’t have many left before she was out of the house and living her own life. Her seventeenth birthday was not as far away as we wanted. The years were disappearing.

Claire was dressed casually, which contrasted with her normal attire. She wore a pair of jeans that were fitted perfectly over her ass and a loose fitting blouse with a jean jacket over it. The blouse was a forest green color, which looked lovely with her fair skin. She wore comfortable sneakers. Her hair hung in loose waves down her back. She was relaxed.

The secretary in the office smiled kindly when saw us, having recognize Claire instantly the moment we entered. “I’ll call Brianna down, just sign her out.” She said as she began to dial the number for her classroom.

Claire wrote out her name, the time and date, and then signed her initials. A few minutes later, I heard our girl as she made her way down the hall. A smile blossomed on her face when saw us, but her brows were pinched together. At least, we hadn’t slipped and she was surprised. 

Her backpack was full as we contacted her teacher earlier in the week, she wouldn’t be back until Wednesday. She was curious about why she needed all of the work and voiced it to us as well, but we kept our lips shut not wanting to spoil the surprise. Also it was well known in the family if anyone told Bree something, everyone would know within seconds. She had loose lips. 

“Aw come on,” she said as she continued her persuasive argument. We pulled in front of Isla’s school. “Why can’t I know?"

“I’ll be right back Claire,” I lifted my hand to her face and her eyes caught mine, shocked by my actions. I was confused by my own actions and quickly exited the car to avoid an awkward conversation.

I had been inside the building a few times since the start of the school year. The parents were heavily involved, I discovered which meant I was too. The office was empty when I entered so I dinged the bell. I waited several more minutes before a woman of average height with light colored hair appeared. She looked extremely harried and annoyed, but that wasn’t my issue.

“Can I help you sir?” Her tone was snappish, but I allowed it.

I simply wanted to sign out my daughter so we could get on our way. “Yes, I’m here to pick up my daughter.”

A flash of irritation crossed her face. “Name?” She was a regular ray of sunshine.

“Isla Fraser, she’s in seventh grade.”

I heard the clicking of her keyboard as she typed Isla’s name into the system. “I’ll need to see some I.D. of course.” I opened my wallet and took out my identification card. She slid it across the counter space and scrutinized the picture before handing it back to me. “Fill out the blanks in the green binder, and I’ll call her out of class.”

It took a little longer for Isla to appear. She was confused, but surprised nonetheless by my appearance. “Dad?” She asked as I shouldered her bag. It was heavier than it appeared. What did she put in there, bricks?

She was in her gym clothes. I realized belatedly she hadn’t had the opportunity to change back into what she wore to school. I shrugged, it wasn’t as if anyone would see her, and she was going to spend a few hours in the car. I hugged her to my side as we exited the school. Her brows knitted together when she noticed her mom and sister waiting for us in the car. “What’s going on?” She asked, sliding into the backseat. “Is this about my birthday?”

“It’s a surprise,” Claire replied, a tiny smile on her lips. Apparently, our daughters lacked the patience to wait for anything. They begged for the first hour of our drive until the backseat settled into silence. It was then I noticed, they fell asleep.

According to Claire, they were awake past midnight last night so they could celebrate Isla’s birthday. Our daughter graced the world with her presence at 1:32 am, and it was a tradition for them to have a mini celebration.

There was a cupcake and a candle involved, and Claire presented her with her first give. It was a locket, her mother gave her on her own twelfth birthday. Nestled inside was a picture of Isla and Claire. I glanced in the rearview mirror to briefly watch her.

Wisps of Isla’s hair fluttered in the autumn breeze floating through the car. Isla slept with her head on her sister; I wanted to capture the moment to freeze it for all time. The years vanished from her face, and for a second I could almost convince myself she wasn’t almost a teenager.

Claire apparently was of the same mind as her phone was open to the camera. I heard the click as she took a few pictures. “Sometimes it makes me nostalgic of when they were younger. The car lulled them to sleep instead of them chattering away. It seems so long ago,” her voice was wistful. 

_It reminded me of when I first had the two of them for a summer. Bree was a wee thing back then, toddling around on steady, rounded legs of a toddler, trailing haplessly after her older sister. Isla had a more confident step as she guided her sister to me, their grandmother trailing behind them._

_Bree’s hair was a mass of untamed curls, flattened by sleep on the plane, her eyes widened in complete amazement at the busy airport. There was a wariness in those blue irises as she approached, her eyes were calculating, at least it was how I interpreted the act. She was hesitant to approach me, a frown marring her minuscule features._

_Isla slowed a few feet from me, her voice soft and lulling as she explained to her sister I was the man in the computer. Bree still stared at me, refusing to budge, the disbelief shone in her eyes._

_Julia took over and pushed Isla in my direction. The girl took off and ran straight into my arms. I held her close, inhaled the scent of baby shampoo, and counted my blessings she was in my life. “I missed you daddy,” her thin arms squeezed tight around my neck. We had spent easter together, but that seemed so long ago._

_I rubbed her back, took comfort of her warm weight when a shadow hovered over us. I peeled her off to find Bree there, her chubby face reflected her skepticism and curiosity. There was a fading redness in those round cheeks, and I imagined she recently woke crying as she was prone to do._

_Claire told me she didn’t take well to anyone waking her, and she generally allowed the girl do it on her own except when they had to go anywhere._

_I raised my hand and waved at her with a friendly, welcoming smile on my face, at least that was how I hoped she perceived it. I didn’t want to scare her, but essentially I was a stranger to my own daughter. It was Isla who dominated our video calls, who chattered about anything and everything happening in her life, while Bree popped her head in, fingers in her mouth, and then left. ‘She’s just shy’. Isla offered as an explanation for her sister’s absence._

_Bree lifted a foot then another until she was right in front of me. Wet fingers poked at my face as she considered me thoroughly, seemingly appeased, she lifted her arms for me to carry her, which from the look on her grandmother’s face was a true honor. I had heard stories about Bree’s unwillingness to meet strangers or leave her mother’s side._

_Julia handed over their considerably tiny suitcases, but I knew from the previous summer how many clothes fit inside. She exchanged kisses and hugs with them, and kissed my cheeks before heading towards check-in for her flight to London to visit Tom._

_I was left with two little girls who depended on me to know what I was doing. Isla took the handle of her suitcase and began rolling the little bag behind her, willing to lead the way. I leaned down to reach Bree’s, and we made our way out of the airport to the car park. Isla was plastered to my side. She was aware enough to stick close in a busy car area._

_At my car, she stopped at the boot and left her bag as she made her way to the doors, and I hid a smile at her presumptuous nature. Obviously, I was the one to put away her bags, but some children offered to help, not Isla though. She said I was big and stronger than her, therefore it was easier for me to do than her._

_I unlocked it and carefully placed the girls’ suitcases inside before closing it. Isla strapped herself into her booster seat, familiar with how to do it, and wanting to assert her independence. Claire told me things had changed since easter, and Isla had started insisting she was a big girl._

_I buckled Bree into her carseat, and double checked her sister correctly did her own._

_It was on the way to the flat I lived in at the time, the girls drifted off to sleep, worn out from the long trip. It was the middle of the night for them, but as I studied their features in the rearview mirror, my heart melted at their small, sleeping faces. They were comfortable with me, trusted me to protect them as they slumbered._

_There was a slight flush to their cheeks. I noticed the fluttering of their lids as they fell deeper in a REM cycle. These were my children. I had a hand in creating something new and wonderful, and I didn’t know how I would let them go at the end of summer._

“Did I ever tell ye about their first visit together?” We spent the remainder of the car ride exchanging stories about the girls, from the good to the bad. I wanted to share everything with her about when they were with me. I had heard loads of stories of theirs from over the years. We watched a few of their home videos. It was almost like being there. It was as close as I would get. 

The girls woke about thirty minutes from our first stop. They were hungry as they dug out the lunches they prepared for themselves.

It wasn’t quite the season for travel, but we didn’t need the warmth of summer to celebrate. Fall was everywhere, but it was a new beginning for the world around us. As the seasons and plants transitioned, we were transitioning as a family into new and unexplored territory. I slowed the car at the line of cars waiting at the booth for their signal to go.

When it was our turn, I handed the paper over with my reservation as we pulled up. It took some booking and finagling to arrange the entire weekend. Claire had to suck up to several people in order to get the time off even though it was a few days. She was tentatively planning a sabbatical and would consider her future during that time.

We drove ahead and parked the car, the girls were out of their seat and opening the doors as soon as I stopped. I rushed over to the other side to help Claire even if we were in a weird place where everything was mostly left unsaid. I opened the door and offered my hand.

My heart fluttered at the tingling sensation of our connected hands, she locked our fingers together. “Sometimes I think you’re from an entirely different time.”

“Maybe my soul had to wait a longtime to be with yours,” she sucked in a breath as I pulled her closer. My lips were close to her, I felt the puff of her breath against mine. Heat built between us as I stared into those soulful brown orbs and saw everything I ever needed to know.

I can’t say whose lips reached first, but the moment they connected, all thoughts disappeared from my brain, and I concentrated on the feel of her. We had kept our space and were aware at all times of our physical space because our control wasn’t the greatest. We knew what we were missing. We craved it and fought constantly against our mutual attraction.

Her tongue darted out of her mouth to swipe against my lips, she was teasing. My mouth opened to welcome her tongue, and I swallowed the sound of her moans. I was trying to keep it PG as there were other people and families around us, and it wouldn’t do anyone any good if I were to become aroused with a lot of witnesses. I wrenched my mouth free, the moment she pressed closer because I was only man, and she was a tempting wench.

I tapped her nose, a grin lit up her face as she noticed a certain part of me wasn’t as asleep as I would prefer. I glared at her, the sweetest sound escaped her lips in reply. I was astounded by the giggle because she rarely did that anymore, at least not without Isla or Bree around.

Her hand slipped into mine as we made our way over to the railing beside our daughters who stared out at the water. It was a surprisingly nice day with a slight chilly breeze, not that it bothered either of them.

“You know this might be the best birthday ever,” Isla said, her eyes tracing the lines of the water. I knew what she meant. We were a family.

**CPOV**

A smile formed on my face as the house came into view, and I found myself sinking into my seat. We needed the time as a family; Jamie and I discussed possible activities to do with our daughters to bond. Our dinners were all well and fine, but that was two hours as opposed to a few days at my vacation home where the outside world was just that.

I glanced over at Jamie and saw the absolute delight in his blue orbs as took in the house. They were bright and sparkled with his joy. He heard the stories, but the house was purchased long after we divorced. I never even considered owning a vacation home then.

The girls were out of the car and running to the house, the moment the doors unlocked. They had a key.

“So I have a question for ye?” I glanced at him warily. “If ye have the house, why do ye stay with yer friend Mel?” I covered my mouth to hide my giggles. He was adorable sometimes, and he sent my heart fluttering.

I placed my hand in his and gave a gentle squeeze. “Jamie, we didn’t always have the house. The renovations only finished two summers ago, and the girls enjoy spending time with Mel. Her house is over in Chilmark, and we decided it might be nice especially once she got married to find our own house. We were here in Aquinnah one day, and I saw the for sale sign.”

My eyes focused on the paneled house before us. The views from the balcony overlooked the Sound and provided breathtaking sights of the water. Sunrises and sunsets were spectacular to witness. “We can use the garage if you want, but most of the time we leave the car out. Winter is the only time we put the car inside and that’s only when it snows.”

It was a two door detached garage. We actually had a car for when we were on the Vineyard inside as sometimes we simply hitched a ride with Mel to the island. I hired a caretaker for the grounds and he started the car regularly for us and kept it maintained when we were back in Boston. He drove it when he prepared the house for our arrival, or to pick up anything needed. He was a valued employee, and took care of multiple houses on the island besides ours.

The house was built on the hillside with a rolling, open yard and stone walls with several paths, and lightly wooded areas. Ideally I wanted to retire to the house when it came time for me. Boston was lovely, but the house in Aquinnah was magical. 

What captured my interest in the house was all of the windows as it reminded me of our house back in Boston. It was light and airy. There was also a living space above the garage, which I used as an office when we were on holiday.

The house was three levels with the bottom layer only seen from the back of the house because of the hillside.

The deck off the great room was my favorite spot, especially in the fall as the trees changed colors and the waves rolled in. The breeze off the water this time of year was idyllic. The water was as blue as Jamie’s eyes.

“Come on,” I tugged gently on his hand. “I’ll show you around.”

We walked up the drive together, the girls were probably halfway down the hillside, playing their make believe games, and enjoying their time back here again.

The front door opened to reveal the Great Room, which was the largest room of the house. The wood flooring was a chestnut color and was used throughout the house with the railing and balcony, the door and window frames, and we found a table to match. There was a stone fireplace between a large window and one of the glass doors.

The opposite wall was nothing but glass doors and windows that opened out to the most amazing sight. It was where most of the light flooded through the house, and provided the first glimpse of the outdoors. The rolling hills with their changing tree tops decorated our view.

Nestled into a corner was a black piano for Isla to use whenever the mood struck her. Most of the space was dominated by our long dining table and off white love seat and sofa.

A wide doorway led into the kitchen with its’ modern appliances and white cabinets. It wasn’t as big as our kitchen at home, but it did the job when we were on the island.

Jamie’s eyes were glued to the windows as I took him through each room. “Where are the lasses?” He finally asked, noticing the silence enveloping the house.

I pointed to the yard where two girls were running around chasing each other. “Let’s go,” I pulled him back into the great room and slid open the door.

A glass dining table sat on the deck with four chairs around it. A few potted plants lined the deck as Bree planted them over the summer. Gardening was her new favorite activity.

Jamie didn't follow me out, instead he silently explored the downstairs area from the book room to what was our guest room, that was never used. Photos littered the walls of past trips to the Vineyard prior to us owning the house. It was all the holidays we took when the girls were younger. Year by year, the changes in our daughters could be witnessed.

Sometimes I forget how tiny they were with all of their missing teeth and lopsided pig tails. They rarely if ever let me touch their hair since they learned how to style it themselves; the first day of school was a rare occasion when they were open to my machinations involving their hair.

I watched the girls from the deck as they played in the grassy knolls, childish laughter carrying across the yard. I didn’t want them to stay out too long for the slight possibility they could catch a cold and that wouldn’t be an auspicious start to our weekend holiday. They were coming off a stomach bug.

I couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason why I continued to keep him at a distance and our talks of later, but my therapist was willing to discuss my feelings on the matter. She suggested it was perhaps the reason I pushed him away in the first place. It was easier to run away than to face your feelings. I was petrified about what it would all mean, revealing the depths of my feelings, starting something new without someone familiar but different at the same time. It was anxiety inducing every time I tried to wrap my mind around the situation.

Lips pressed to my hair and arms wrapped around my neck as I sank into the warmth of his body. It was a natural reaction and for some reason, I was unbothered by my body’s unconscious decision. The breeze floated off the water, ruffling the trees and my hair, as I sighed and lived in the moment. Later wouldn’t stay away forever, and we were coming to an end.

My thoughts tended to get me into trouble. I over thought everything, nearly ruining everything in the process. “Ye look so peaceful,” his voice was barely more than a whisper in the wind, as the velvety tones caressed something inside me. “it reminds me a bit of home.”

Often statements like that slice at my heart as I’ve taken the man away from his homeland, his people, the hills and cliffs, and the water he loves so much. Sometimes I think I’ve displaced him, and it isn’t with me where he truly belongs.

Somehow he managed to maneuver himself under me with his arms wrapped just under my breasts. The scent of him washed over me. It was sandalwood and something distinctly him, something fresh that sort of reminded me of Scotland.

“Sorcha,” fire erupted in my veins as it always did when he addressed me as such. For so long, I was only Claire to him, the mother of his children, the woman who broke his heart and sent him packing across the Atlantic. I was the woman he hated and tearfully rejected him in a hotel bathroom in a foreign country. “I want ye to ken something.” His tone was serious, anxiety crept along my skin as I braced myself. “I dinna mean Scotland as ye think I do.” Skepticism clouded my brain. “’Tis more like how ye think of England,” his breath was warm against my scalp, tickling a little bit, but comforting as he reassured me of his presence there. The timber of his voice sent shivers down my spine. The smug bastard knew what he was doing. “Ye’ve been home for so long even when I wasn’t with ye, ye were with me. I spent my time wondering what ye were doin’, if ye missed me like I did you.”

For once, I didn’t need to see his eyes to believe the sincerity of his words. The honesty was laced in his voice as he revealed to me the hidden depths of his heart, or the not so hidden because those words had been in his eyes since he arrived, maybe even in his dining room in Edinburgh. I wasn’t ready to admit what it was for fear of what it meant for us. Love was too much at this stage. I had inadvertently blurted the words to me a month ago, but hadn’t uttered them since that day in my yard.

All the years, I denied myself the opportunity to think about him, or moments like this where we simply existed, where the outside faded away and it was us and our children.

The anger and resentment drifted away as I accepted what I knew all along. I loved him with every fiber of my being, with every chip in my heart, and my soul and his were connected by time, our children, and our past. The day in highlands where he made me his, I marked him as my own as it wasn’t just us making love, we imprinted on one another.

“What are ye thinking?” He asked, breaking our prolonged silence.

I turned slightly in his embrace, kissing his chest. “Nothing, really,” I shrugged uneasily, not sure I wanted him to know everything in my head just yet. “Okay, a lot because hey it’s me, and my mind never shuts the fuck up, but I don’t want to do that pretend game anymore either. It’s gotten us into a lot of trouble, and I think embracing this honesty thing has been beneficial for us. It’s opened up parts that I long ago closed. I guess I’m nervous about what being here mean, not for our family, but for us, you know you and I. We’ve put off later for a lot longer than I thought, and it’s not working for us. Every time we are in close proximity, we end up snagging like randy teenagers. I… well that’s not a bad thing, but I would like the talking to accompany it to end all of this confusion because even I can’t stand it anymore.”

And okay, that was a lot to unpack. I hadn’t planned to say any of that, but as soon as my mouth opened, the words came spilling out. It was silly and rather immature of us to continue to avoid the discussion about where we stood. Over a month was long enough, and it was time we finally addressed the sexual tension in the room.

He considered my words and licked his lips. His brow dipped, and several expressions flickered over his face, never settling for longer than a few seconds before a new one appeared. I didn’t know what any of them were. Time was our enemy in a way. While parts of him were familiar to me like the back of my hand, there were moments like this one where I didn’t recognize him. He was a stranger to me, and it was strangely exciting. It didn’t feel as if I was going back to Jamie, the boy, this was Jamie, the man, a different person entirely. There were aspects that were similar, but he had in fact changed.

A loud squeal interrupted whatever he was about to say. I peered over the railing just in time to catch Bree tackling her sister into the grass. Both girls shrieked their joy at returning to the place of their youthful adventures.

Boston was home, but it also brought us back to our routine. Our life was scheduled and we were planets circling each other, but rarely did our orbits align. My job normally took up the majority of my time, leaving little opportunity for me to spend time with my children. On more than one occasion, I disappointed them because I was called into surgery or to consult or assist. There was always a reason for why I couldn’t attend a game, recital, school function, or to tuck them into bed at night.

They hid it well as they aged, plastering on fake smiles of understanding, while their eyes betrayed their true feelings. They never complained as they knew how I loved my job with its’ insane and hectic hours that drew me away from them, and they appreciated how while I wasn’t with them, I was saving other people. It wasn’t easy all the time either with words of hate thrown around when I was forced to explain my next absence.

Jamie’s thumbs brushed against my abdomen in soothing circles. His solicitous nature meant he couldn’t deny himself the chance to touch or ask me anything. He displayed his concern openly and never held back. We were getting on the same page after all this time.

“Pound for yer thoughts?”

I snorted almost painfully. “We are in America,” I nudged him. “We say penny, and I’m not sure they’re worth that much. I want to know what you think, don’t think I haven’t noticed your lack of reply to my whatever that was.”

The waves continued to roll in, breaking against the black rocks in the distance, spraying the air with splashes of white. If I strained my ears, I could almost hear the crashing of the waves, the exact sound as the water hits a barrier.

In a way, I related to those waves. They traveled a great distance and then a barrier stands in their path to the shore, interrupting the flow of water, but then welcoming them home when they returned. The shore had always called to me and I yearned to answer, but I was anchored to Jamie. He pulled me and kept me in place, providing something heavy enough to keep me still and in place, he was my home. He welcomed me back whenever I strayed too far. 

“Of all the places you could’ve picked, why this one?”

It wouldn’t hurt to delay our talk a little longer. It was heavy and deserved reverence and seriousness. There was no rush. We knew what awaited us at the finish line and I had feeling we had the same goal in mind.

I snuggled closer to him, taking solace in the extra warmth his body provided. “Have you ever been somewhere that made you feel complete? Serene?” I wasn’t sure if he knew what I was saying. I wasn’t entirely sure I was expressing myself correctly. “For me, the first time I came here, I shed a layer of myself, not literally, but in the metaphorical sense.” I had stumped him. “Mel invited me and the girls because she not only saw the loneliness in me, but shared it herself. At that time, she hadn’t come out to her family and there was an estrangement. Her last relationship ended in disaster because of her inability to share the other side of herself.”

I wanted him to know who I was then and how I became who I am today. “I was lost long before that night where we did the deed. We first came the summer of 2011. I went to see the cliffs here in Aquinnah, they’re clay cliffs by the way, so don’t worry if the water occasionally takes on a different shade.”

_August 3, 2011_

_Mel took the girls into town for ice cream giving me a welcome reprieve from their squabbling, which she recognized I needed. I wasn’t supposed to have them back yet, but Jamie had to rush to Paris to assist his cousin’s business as the man was in the hospital after suffering a heart attack. Jenny flew with them home as I didn’t have the time to leave the hospital._

_I knew it would be a while before Mel returned as the girls were notoriously slow and messy eaters at that stage in the game, not that I ever minded because they were all I had left of him._

_By following a single routine daily, I learned my life by rote memory. I never deferred from the path, continuing my life as I had every other day, unwilling to trust myself to follow through on spontaneous acts. It was risky and spontaneity rarely turned out well for me._

_In their absence, I decided to venture outside of the house, explore the slice of heaven Mel constantly talked about from her childhood. I was in a state of disbelief most of the time listening to her stories because they sounded almost too magical to be true._

_I wanted to explore and see if her stories held true. I threw on some trainers, tied my hair back, and was out the door before I could second guess myself._

_I had my car as Mel and I came down separately. She directed me to the road that led to the lighthouse when I first arrived, and I was finally taking advantage of my knowledge._

_The town was formally called Gay Head; the name changed in the late nineties to Aquinnah. Mel spent a fairly significant amount of her childhood here until her parents divorced and her mom moved to Connecticut. She was a pure WASP._

_I spotted the lighthouse in the distance, overlooking the Sound. The lighthouse was moved four years later to a new location because of erosion. It was 39 meters from where it originally stood, but I at least saw it in its’ original placement._

_Due to erosion, no one was allowed to actually step foot on the cliffs for fear of possibly causing the area to erode faster._

_The beach called to me, and I knew I could get a better look at the cliffs from the ground. There weren’t as many people out that day as it rained the previous day, and was threatening to rain again. There were a few brave souls like myself._

_The cliffs drew me to them with their beauty. They jutted out forming the western coastline of the island with surprisingly vibrant hues of red. I had read the sign about the clay deposits protected and owned by the Wampanoag tribe as they and their ancestors had inhabited the land for the last 10,000 years._

_I yearned to have somewhere I called home. I wasn’t sure I would ever call England home again, and in some ways it never truly was where I belonged. Until Jamie’s appearance in my life, I dreamt of leaving the sometimes dreary place where I was raised. I didn’t fit in there._

_As I looked out onto the water, I realized what it reminded me of. When we went to the beach, I often told Jamie how his eyes reminded me of the sea. They swirled with multiple shades of blue depending on his emotions and beautifully reflected the sky._

_My knees fell out from under me, and I was in the sand with the natural wonders of the world surrounding me. It was the cleanse I never knew I needed as first one tear then another fell down the contours of my face until I was laughing and crying._

_I released the things I held onto for all these years that fueled my rage, my loneliness, that held me back. My therapist encouraged me to find healthier outlets for my emotions instead of the burning rage inside of me that stoked the flames._

_“Are you okay?” My head swiveled to find an older woman with darker skin and a lined face that told the story of her life._

_I wiped hastily at the tears lining my face, attempting to cover my emotions, embarrassed about what happened. The older woman was unfazed by this and slowly lowered herself to the ground beside me. “My name is Elizabeth,” she greeted me. I remained silent, unsure of what the strange woman could possibly want with me, I was a weepy, pathetic mess unable to even prevent myself from crying on a public beach._

_She waited patiently for me until I was ready. “Claire,” I finally offered her in return._

_I peered at her face, noticing it was brown and ruddy at the same time. She was a member of the tribe. “How is it you came to be here today?” Her hair was once pure black, but strips of grey covered her head presently._

_Normally I wasn’t one to reveal myself to anyone, but there was something about her kind and friendly disposition that allowed me to share with her. She merely listened as I told the tale of my life and then chuckled at the end. “Claire, it is not the end of your story. You are young. You can’t even be of thirty years yet.” She wasn’t wrong. “Change is a natural part of life, and we are constantly preparing for transitions. Once my people lived across all of this land in large numbers, but over time we’ve become smaller. We’ve adjusted to the changes of Turtle Island,” my eyebrows rose at the unfamiliar reference. “It is what we call earth. We carry on the traditions of our people because if we don’t, who will? Life doesn’t stop because we desire it to.”_

_Elizabeth reminded me of my grandmother. She died when I was eight, leaving me devastated because she was the only other person who understood. “In the past, Aquinnah was referred to as the praying town. Despite the occupation of the Europeans, we managed to retain the land for our people.”_

_“Would you like to come over for some tea?”_

_I grinned at her as my lips trembled in gratitude. “Yes,” I found myself agreeing for no other reason than the kindness she expressed to me._

_She lived in a three bedroom house, her grandfather built in the late nineteenth century. All of the fixtures were original with a large stone fireplace dominating the family room. “It is large because we gathered here and told stories when I was growing up.”_

_“Why me?”_

_“We all find ourselves as lost souls, and something about you called to me.”_

_I focused on my tea, unsure of what to say to this seeming stranger. “I don’t normally cry so... publicly.”_

_“Do you cry?” It was a forward question, but I sensed she meant no harm in asking. “It is hard for strong women to unleash the waves of their emotions for fear it might consume them in the end.”_

_She spoke from experience. It was the tone of her voice that told me of her own struggles for balance. I fingered the rim of my mug as I considered her words. “It takes a lot for me to express myself like that. Jamie always displayed emotion so easily, and let whatever he was feeling come out and I guess I had to hold it in.”_

_“You are not him and he is not you.”_

_Then why did I feel that way sometimes? “Why does it feel like I lost half of my soul then?”_

_Her hands covered mine with such a tenderness I hadn’t felt since I last shared tea with my grandmother. “You come from the same soul, but you are still your own. You began to cleanse your soul of all the guilt you carry around with you. Loss is part of the circle of life. It is a cycle we all go through, and we must accept it.”_

“I still visit her when we come to the island.” She became a surrogate grandmother to me. Her presence in my life helped me onto my path of healing. “She adores the girls who call her Granny.”

His chin rested on my shoulder, but he was still. If it weren’t for his soft breathing in my ear and the steady beating of his heart, I wouldn’t know he was alive. “I am grateful to her. Ye deserve to have people love you, Claire.”

“I know,” I murmured. I did know that now. It took me a long time, but I stopped pushing people away and accepted that they loved me.

I fought it for so long because to protect myself from losing anyone, I couldn’t let them through my impenetrable walls (snort). I didn’t want anyone to possess that sort of power over me. In the end, it was me who hurt me through my incapacity to let people love me.

The girls eventually settle on the deck as the sun began to make its’ descent. The cliffs in the distance take on a purplish hue and the water, the deepest blue imaginable. The sun casted the sky in shades of the most spectacular orange and purple as it crept below the horizon. I took a picture, wanting to preserve the moment, and made a mental note to post it later.

Isla and Bree headed inside to change for dinner as we were going out to eat in celebration of Isla’s birthday. We had a reservation at seven at The Aquinnah Shop. It was a tradition of ours from our very first trip to the island. Mel said we hadn’t experienced seafood until we had theirs.

When the girls were younger, we usually shared an entrée. Mel shared with one and I with the other, but as they grew, so did their appetites. We picked off each other’s plates. 

With our bags out of the car, everyone changed into something a bit nicer for dinner. There were grass stains on Bree’s white school shirt, but I wasn’t overly bothered by it. Her tights were a different story with a few runs and one big hole. I shook my head, but it was typical of her as she usually went through at least six pairs by the spring thaw.

Bree was the first one ready with her plush grey button dress that reached just below her knee. She paired it with her black tights and black stretch ankle boots, she occasionally used as her school shoes. It was becoming harder to find dresses that weren’t too short as not only did she have long legs, she also had a long torso. She wore a size 12 in girls, which was different than her sister at the same age. Isla was wearing a size 10, and during school clothes shopping this year had finally managed to extend into juniors, only because she thought shopping in the kids section was too mortifying and I had to agree some of the clothes were too childish.

Bree paired her dress with her beige trench coat. After last year, she swore off puffy coats, deeming them for little kids, which she wasn’t. It was just as well since the one she received from her daddy two winters ago no longer fit. A purge of their winter wardrobes was on the horizon.

Isla followed her sister a few minutes later in a navy floral, lace up high-neck dress. She forewent tights unlike her sister, but paired it with a pair of brown booties. She wore a white cardigan with her grey pea coat over her arm.

I swallowed back my emotions as I witnessed for the first time the evidence she wasn’t a little girl anymore. In many ways, she would always remain my little girl, but to the rest of the world, she was becoming a young woman. Her face lacked most of the roundness of her youth, her cheek bones almost jutting out revealing the sharp angles of her face. When did that happen? She was gangly giving her the appearance of being stretched out, but soon enough puberty would help fill in the angles of adolescence with the curves of womanhood. I wasn’t ready.

She argued for make-up, but I made my position clear on the matter. Jamie deferred to me when she attempted to bargain with him. He knew almost nothing about make-up and didn’t feel informed enough to make a decision, nor did he want to against any previously established precedent. I had no issues with it, but I didn’t want my daughter looking like she was several years older than her age. We would revisit the subject when she was in high school, but for now she could go with her natural, pretty face. There was nothing wrong with it.

Worse was that her sister wasn’t far behind her. She wasn’t itching in the same way to grow up, but it was coming. Bree held no interest in make-up at the moment, but in a few years it would all change. She was nearly the height of her sister, and would be wearing the next size in clothes soon enough. It scared me to think how fast time passed. One minute they were helpless and entirely dependent with their incoherent babbling and then the next they were taking care of themselves and planning full fledged arguments to get what they wanted.

Jamie squeezed my hand. He understood. He was right next to me. He missed more than I had, and for him it was almost as if it had occurred over night with the way they grew from one year to the next.

“Okay birthday girl, you ready?”

Isla rolled her eyes at the question I asked her every year. It wasn’t about if she was ready to go out. I was really questioning if she was ready for all the tribulations and joys of the next year, and if she was prepared for the next chapter in the saga of her life. Twelve chapters was unbelievable to me.

Her arms wrapped around me as her lips pecked my cheek. “You shouldn’t cry mom.” She said as we walked out the door. “Grandma told me how you couldn’t wait to grow up either. It’s a natural part of life, and we all do it. I’ll always be your kid,” she informed me. I found myself staring after her as she rushed up behind her sister to tickle her. “So can I get my phone back? It is my birthday.”

I gently pushed her. “Nice try but no.”

Despite all the difficulties I had in understanding her, it was through all of the confusion I related to her best. I recalled the time when I wanted nothing more than to live on my own and do whatever I wanted, regardless of my mother’s opinion. Isla really was like me in a lot of ways.

“You coming mommy?” Bree asked, her brow scrunching as I stood outside our front door.

I nodded and made my way towards my family. My daughter was twelve, and it was a beautiful day. Those first weeks of her life terrified me as I never thought she would make it to one let alone twelve as a healthy, vibrant, mouthy girl with a penchant for getting into trouble.

“Mom, you walk like a snail. You aren’t even forty yet.” Isla cackled as I buckled myself in. “Do we need to get you a walker?”

Jamie and I exchanged looks, no longer needing words to communicate that which we already knew. “It isn’t always about how fast you get there,” I told her, knowing the words wouldn’t make any sense to her at twelve. While I tried to instill values instead of advice into my daughters, I knew it would be years before they comprehended the knowledge I imparted in them. I was fine with that as it was the natural order of things. Kids often disregarded things their parents said. I dismissed my own mother until I had children, then all of those things came rushing back to me. 

“Let’s go to dinner because I’m starving,” Bree and Isla said at the same time. “Jinx, double jinx, triple jinx.” They giggled and shoved each other jovially. There was nothing but love floating in the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? 
> 
> Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?  
> They're both magical, but I would say seeing the sun rise is like watching the world start anew.


	35. Lovers Who Make Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just basically smut, pure and simple, no real plot this chapter. Enjoy!

**  
JPOV**

I watched her stand where the sea met land as the waves rolled in, burying her feet in the sand. Her jeans were rolled up to her ankles and she wore a light jacket.

The breeze coming off the water blew her hair forth, providing cover for her face. Her arms were held at her side as she enjoyed a quiet morning on the beach. It was the off season for the vineyard, and the beaches were mostly empty this time of year. Watching her here in her safe place, it was mesmerizing. I saw a side of her that I was unaware existed. She was open to me, welcomed my touch, and set my body on fire with her kisses. Every day, it was harder to resist her, to coax those delicious sounds from her lips, to keep my hands to myself, to not bury myself in her and join our bodies.

Isla and Bree were sent off to Granny’s the night before for some fun and food. We didn’t expect them back until later today. Isla’s birthday was a success and I was still shocked my daughter was twelve. She wore it well. Her grumbling about her lack of phone hadn’t ceased, nor did I expect it to. She was Isla after all.

It was an interesting experience to view all of them in a setting removed from the hustle of their every day lives.

The environment was relaxed. I observed her as she leaned back on her arms, head tilted towards the sky, and maybe that was a smile on her face. Her hair blew wildly around her, but she didn’t mind.

She snuck out of the house without disturbing me until I heard the brief click of the door as she left, and the groaning of the stairs as she descended. I slid on my shoes and grabbed a jacket, and hung back as she trailed down to the water. I wanted to watch her.

Her head turned slightly as she beckoned me over, somehow knowing I was there without me ever saying anything. “I love it here,” her voice was soft, almost overpowered by the wind. “I realize how unfair I’ve been to you, asking you to wait until I had my shit figured out. Don’t for a second think I’m unaware of the distance I’ve kept.” I kept my face neutral as this was for her. She had things to say and she had been saying them all weekend. If anything, I hadn’t had an opportunity to respond; it was surprising how open she was to talking.

“For so long, I thought it was me against the world.” Her eyes darkened slightly at this. “When I saw Britney’s interest in you, it seemed that was that.” I opened my mouth to interrupt, but she held her hand for me to stop. “We can go over that over and over, and you can issue apologies for the rest of our lives, but Jamie, don’t you know by now?” Her voice was lilting and she wasn’t angry. My brows flew up my forehead in confusion. “I don’t need your apologies anymore.”

I frowned. “Wha-“

Her fingers hovered over my lips as she turned her gaze towards me. “I know you’re sorry. In some ways, I understand why it happened. What I don’t want is our past to interfere with what’s happening here. That person I was ten years ago, she feels like a stranger, like some long lost relative that you can sense a connection to, but you don’t recognize them. I’ve had to work on myself and get over myself, and I’m ready for you now. I don’t think I was eighteen, fifteen, ten, or six years ago. You’re a lot, but in a good way. You’re something I don’t think I realized I needed and every time you’ve come back into my life, it was when I wasn’t searching.”

I took a second to ponder on her words, and realized she was in fact correct. When we first met, she was coming off a rough year, when we connected a year after our break-up, it was unintentional, and even a few months ago, she was taken.

“Do you think the universe was sending us a message?”

She giggled, the sound melodious to my ears. It was light and airy. “I don’t know, maybe,” she teased. “We probably missed a few turns here and there, but we did wind up here in the end. And Jamie, I like being here. I know you’ve noticed after I accidentally said I love you a month ago, I’ve been cautious about what I say around you. I do love you. I’m in love with you.”

My eyes widened. “What?”

She cupped my face. “I love you. I loved you yesterday, last week, ten years ago, always.”

My lips turned up into a grin as I stared at her. “Say it again,” I asked of her. I would never tire of hearing the words.

Claire leaned closer, her lips an inch from my own, which tingled at the close proximity. “I love you,” she kissed me. “I love your laugh,” she brushed her lips over my eyes. “I love your dorky dad jokes.” She pecked my nose. “I love your body, god do I love your body.” She sucked one of my ears, her tongue swirling around the shell. I was rising to the occasion. “I love how you make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and like no one else matters.” Her lips drifted down to my neck as she nipped and sucked at my skin. I groaned.

She pulled back, but stayed close. I knew she wasn’t going anywhere. She was done retreating. “I love you too.”

The smile she rewarded me with was worth everything. It filled my insides with warmth and love. “I may have guessed,” she said shyly.

I slid my hands up her cool, pink cheeks and held her gaze. “You’re something else. I’ve dated and dinna frown because what I felt for them doesn’t come close to a fraction of what I feel for ye. Ye make my heart flutter when ye walk in the room. I lose my breath when you so much as smile at me. When you talk, I hang on to yer every word.” It was time to lay out all of my cards on the table. “Back then, I can admit I wasn’t ready to be the man ye deserved or needed. We met too soon.”That was the truth of it. If we had met a few years later, it would’ve turned out differently. But then, we weren’t ready for what it meant to give our hearts away and never get them back. “Ye’ve always been one of the best parts of me, and I needed this time to figure out who I am without ye by my side. I had to do some work on myself like ye did, and it’s true that I can live without ye, but I wouldn’t want to. You make my life brighter and happier just by existing.”

She sniffled. “You do the same for me.”

“Really?”

Her hands reached up to cup my face as she forced me to look at her. Her fingers smoothed out the creases of my face. My head leaned into her touch and I kissed her palm. “Yes. The answer is always yes. I’m ready to go all in if you are. I want to risk it all, the way we didn’t ten years ago, because you James Fraser are worth all the tears and broken hearts.”

My throat clogged as my eyes brimmed with tears. It was hard to accept the veracity of her words given everything. How was I was granted another chance, the we had another opportunity to start again. “I’m in too. I’ve been since ye stormed into that hospital room and stole my breath.”

She huffed and tried to push me, but I barely moved. Her hand drifted to my heart, and I covered it with my own. “What I didn’t want to admit was how much I missed you and needed you all of these years. I- I tried to date men as opposite of you as possible. Then there was Peter, and I definitely left some carnage there. He knew when he watched us interact that it wasn’t as over as I claimed.” I saw the sadness in her eyes as she thought over the ways she had hurt the man. “I wish I could say I fully regret hurting him, but then I would’ve never been here with you now and that’s something I can’t regret. I love him and I always will, but he doesn’t hold the key to my heart. He never did.”

I placed kisses in her hair, relishing in the closeness I thought was lost to me forever. It was surreal to find her in my arms again,. “Ah I love ye, mo chridhe.”

She nestled her head into my chest, her nimble fingers clutching at my jacket. “I don’t want to keep you away anymore.”

“I won’t let ye.” I held her tight to me.

“I’m a bit cold. Do you think we could go back to the house?” I smiled because she was always freezing. I held her hand as we made our way back to her house.

“When do ye think the lasses will be back?”

“Oh probably not until later tonight,” her hands slid under my shirt and I squirmed at her freezing touch.

They roamed my backside and I felt myself begin to rise again. “Sassenach,” I groaned painfully at the tightening of my pants. “Are ye sure?” We hadn’t done more than kiss, and I did make her cum.

Her eyes lifted to mine. In them I saw the love she bore for me and the heady desire reflected in them. We were meant to be. She was my còmhla ri anam.

I lowered my mouth down to hers gently at first to test the waters. I teased her mouth open as she had yet to fully respond to me. Within seconds, our tongues were tangled and she was kissing me back. Her fingers were in my hair, pulling me closer to her. After a few moments, my name was a whisper on her lips, begging me for more. As I broke the kiss, my lashes fluttered against her cheeks as I dipped my head.

“Make love to me,” the words a hoarse plea on her lips.

We made our way up the stairs, my arms around her as I nipped at the sinewy skin of her neck. The scent of roses washed over me. “Jamie,” she giggled helplessly.

As we entered her room, I turned her to face me and took in all of her beauty. Her eyes were expressive and I knew in that moment she wanted it as much as I did.

Her hands pulled me towards her as she began to lift my shirt impatiently, starting at the shoulders then at my hip. She was frantic as she tried to get me undressed. I needed to feel all of her to know she was real and here with me.

I recalled our forbidden night, the tone of melancholy shared between the two of us as we both were more than aware it was the last time, but we weren’t prepared to admit it. The taste of goodbye had permeated the air that night. Something hung in the air and we took it slow, savoring each second of our coupling because when morning came, I was the man she was no longer married to.

I stopped her hands as I wanted the chance to undress her. Normally, I loved watching her do it herself, but I wanted the honor and privilege of having her with me again. My hands pushed back her jacket and it landed with a silent thud on the floor. Then I began to lift her shirt, enjoying the sight of her soft, smooth skin. Her stomach was flat, the skin lightly marked, bearing the evidence she gave birth to our children.

Unable to help myself after her shirt was off and she stood before me in her bra and jeans, I lowered my head to place snack on her collarbone. She smelled like vanilla and it was addicting. I teased the skin causing her to moan breathily and press closer to me.

I placed one last kiss as I continued with my original intention which was to have her completely naked for my eyes. My fingers crawled up her backside as I undid the latch of her bra. She held out her arms as I sensually slid the straps down, my touch lingering on every inch of available skin. Goose pimples appeared on her flesh. At least, I wasn’t the only one unaffected.

I cupped her breasts in my hands. The areola had darkened slightly and her breasts were a bit fuller. The size was still just right for my hands. She stepped closer, pushing them further into my hands, my fingers pinched and teased her nipples. I squeezed and massaged the soft masses as I maneuvered myself behind her, her head fell back onto my shoulder. My lips trailed down the column of her neck leaving a wet trail. My nose brushed against her skin and I felt her shiver against me as I nuzzled into her warmth.

My hands worked themselves lower to her waist and to the front of her jeans where I unfastened the button and unzipped her pants. I pushed them down and it was a bit tricky getting them off as I didn’t want to part from, but we managed.

My fingers danced across her skin until one slipped inside of her panties, reaching the apex of her thighs, and slipping past the thatch of curls covering her sex. She was putty in my hands. She was wet, for me.

“Do ye want me?” My voice was a husky whisper.

She nodded, her eyes closed as a finger teased her entrance before slipping inside. I explored and was thrilled at how ready she was for me. I pulled my hand back. “Finish undressing me.”

Her eyes were a dark, dangerous color, nearly black as she set a tantalizing, unhurried pace for removing my pants. Her small hands fumbled with the button and zipper before sliding my jeans all the way down. She stared up at me with dilated pupils and eyes full of promise for the illicit things we were going to do to each other.

She stood back, her hands sliding up my body before landing on my chest, although my height still eclipsed hers by a lot. I lowered her hand down to where I ached with arousal for her. “This is coileach,” I told her boldly. “Broin,” I informed as I trailed a finger along the top of her breasts.

Her breaths were heavy as my finger lingered on her nipples. “Cnapan,” her eyes focused on my movements as I teased her more and more, she was impatient when it came to sex. She loved a good seduction, but she could only deal with foreplay for so long before she exploded from all the tension.

Claire finally snapped and decided to take it into her own hands as I was moving too slow for her liking. She shoved my boxers down and fell to her knees as she took me into her mouth. I moaned as my fingers ran through her hair, raking through the soft curls. “Oh Dhia,” I groaned, struggling not to fall to my knees as she took me deeper. Her tongue swirled and she pulled back, taking one long lick as she glanced up at me through hooded eyes.

“You tease,” I moaned as she took me deeper and hollowed out her cheeks. “Oh Jesus Christ!” My hips jumped as a strangled cry left my lips. My muscles coiled in wait.

My eyes squeezed shut as I succumbed to the pleasure of her mouth. My teeth clenched almost painfully as my neck arched. Just as I nearly came, she stopped and kissed her way up the slope of my body, sucking and licking as she rose. She was making it clear it wasn’t all about my pleasure.

Her panties seemed to disappear in a flurry as we made our way to the bed. The wind rattled the windows as it raged outside. Raindrops began to fall not too long afterwards, and weren’t particularly hurried as they made their trek down the window panes. In the distance, I spotted the ocean that not so long ago was calm, but wrestled against the rocks in massive waves.

As soon as I penetrated, I felt her spasm around me and halted my movements. “Jamie,” she murmured, her voice full of love and devotion, which she previously denied herself. She relaxed as her legs fell open, offering herself to me, allowing me to claim her as my own and me as hers as if we hadn’t already done that in the past.

I arrived at the conclusion we were imprinted on one another’s souls. We couldn’t move on because we had found what we were looking for all those years ago. We just didn’t know what to do with it then.

My strokes were slow and lazy as I wanted it to last forever and it seemed as if each second really was our own personal forever. “Faster,” she commanded me, her feet digging into my legs.

My pace quickened as I plunged in deeper, hitting new angles, giving her all she asked. I stared down into her eyes, which were focused on where we were joined. I saw my whole world in those sparkling orbs. The tightness was building in my groin, but I held back from my release as I lowered my mouth to hers, savoring the taste of her. I had been deprived for so long. 

My lips tingled at the sensation of her lips moving in sync with my own. Her tongue poked out, tracing my bottom lip. I gasped and she slid it all the way in to find mine ready for hers. I couldn’t focus any longer and wrenched my mouth away as I grasped the headboard and I drove in her, finally finding my release as she did hers.

She clenched painfully around me as her walls fluttered. She whimpered, which then turned into a fully blown scream as I plunged into her one last time. “I love you,” she said as I collapsed on top of her, still inside of her. Her hands played with the curls at the nape of my neck. “I haven’t stopped.”

I placed a kiss on her breast. “I ken,” because I felt the same way about her. Perhaps Jenny wasn’t wrong after my break up on New Year’s Eve. Some things fall apart only for better things to come together even better than before. “Ye’re my everything, a ghràidh.”

I dozed there on top of her, living in the moment of her surrounding me. “Go to sleep my love, I’ll still be here.”

We had to shower and clothe ourselves before our daughters arrived home, but from the secret smiles and looks we exchanged over dinner, we had the same idea about what would transpire when our children went to bed.

The candles that were placed around the room illuminated the paleness of her skin, making her glow. I drew her closer and my nose brushed up against the satiny skin of her shoulders. It had been so long since I touched her, the hours apart were too much, not that we had rediscovered one another. There was no going back after what happened that morning, nor did we want to. We weren’t in a rush or hurried frenzy, it was time to take it slow.

I heard the huge intake of breath as our bodies connected. I knew the minute her tongue connected with mine, she was lost to whatever existed between us. We were two souls consumed by an almost twenty year love. She ran her hands the length of my back, my name falling from her lips. “Jamie,” she moaned breathily, her breath tickling my ear.“Please,” she begged.

I planted kisses along her collarbone and possibly nibbled a bit or a lot. She encouraged my actions by tilting her head more to provide my lips better access to her soft, creamy, delectable skin. I wanted to mark her, to show her I was the only one who could ever make her feel like this in her life. I wanted her to walk around with my mouth on her body as evidence of who she belonged with, and if that was caveman of me, then so be it.

Her eyes were bright and alive as she stared at me. I paused as I realized in this lighting, they had become the golden color I was fond of that rarely showed except in moments we shared like this one. Her pupils were dilated, but there was none of the wild lust I saw earlier instead it was replaced with burning love.

Her lips had the hint of a coy smile. Up close, I saw all the tiny freckles across the bridge of her nose and underneath her eyes. My lips descended and brushed soft kisses first on her eyelids and moving my way down her nose until I reached her plump, soft lips. They were already swollen from the kissing we had done.

I started with the top before switching to the bottom and then covering her lips with my own. She returned my kiss and there was a sudden urgency to move to the bed. I backed her up and she fell with a thump onto the mattress. She looked up at me through hooded eyes. I could see the desire as plain as day.

I stared at her through half closed eyes. There was something sensual in her actions. “I want to undress ye myself,” I told her. I gently lowered myself to a kneeling position in front of her. Her eyes tracked my every movement.

I kissed her as my hands moved to the edges of her shirt. I tugged gently and she relented. There was so much skin exposed to me. Her creamy breasts were revealed to me in all of their beauty. I smirked at the silky, lacy black bra she wore underneath her blouse. It amazed me such a woman was the mother of my children.

“Sorcha,” I breathed against her skin. “You’re beautiful.” I knew if I stared too long she would become self conscious and try to cover herself.

There was no room for insecurity tonight or ever again. She was stunning. I nipped playfully at her neck and moved my way down to her twin mounds. I couldn’t decide whether or not to use my hands or my mouth so I used both. While I lavished attention on one with my mouth, I gently squeezed and teased the peak of the other. “Jamie, please,” she begged me for more.

I reached behind her to unclasp the contraption. While the color was delectable against her pale skin, I wanted to see all of her. I wanted nothing separating us as we gave ourselves to each other again.

“You’re wearing too much,” she said before impatiently pulling up my shirt. I saw her tongue swipe across her lips, and I captured them once again with my own. Her tongue slid against mine, and we both released a moan as they tangled together. I felt her breasts against my chest and leaned over her to push her onto the bed. We were pressed firmly together as our lips and hands worked in tandem.

“Tell me ye want me, only me,” I whispered against her mouth. I needed her and perhaps I always had. I needed to know she needed me as well. It wasn’t just sex between us.

Her eyes opened with a dreamy and soft look, and I knew she was here in the moment with me. She was feeling the same thing. “Just you, only you, no one else.” It was all I needed as I peeled her pants down the length of her legs. My own soon joined hers on the floor.

The only thing separating us from being one were my boxers and her panties if you could call the scrap of lace underwear. As I suckled at her breasts, my palm traveled lower to her thighs where she trembled at my touch. She gasped my name as my fingers moved in slow circles, teasing her, readying her for what was to come. My hand skimmed over her panties, and I felt the heat of her sex.

She was wet, and the warmth emanating from her was killing me. Claire was still aroused by me, which pleased me more than anything we’d done today. It was my touch that made her tremble, lose control. She jumped a bit as my fingers pushed aside the fabric to gain access to her moist, pink folds. Her hips shot off the bed as my fingers pushed through her thatch of curls and reached their destination. Her thighs fell open, granting me further access to her body.

Her eyes shone with trust and love. Neither of us would say the last one, but we knew it was true. It was the only reason to explain why we were here. If there wasn’t love between us, we wouldn’t risk it for a rump in the fields.

She held her breath as I divested her of the last layer separating us. Before me was Claire, and she was unfolding like a flower. Her nipples were a nice rosy pink. Her stomach was flat, and there were thin silver lines. She was gorgeous. I barely had time earlier to take in the sight of her.

It made me harder to think no one else knew what she looked like fully ripe, naked, and pregnant with our child. They didn’t know what it was like to make love to her when her breasts were full and her stomach round as she lost all control around me. I remembered how she tightened almost painfully around me, and I released into her no longer able to hold back.

My lips lowered to her stomach, and her fingers ran through my curls. The taut muscles tightened under my mouth. I planted open mouthed kisses down her body until I reached the apex of her thighs. I smelled her arousal, and from the way Claire watched me, I knew my eyes had darkened to a deeper blue. She said it was her favorite shade of blue.

I brushed my nose against the softness of her creamy thighs, nipping the skin. Her body vibrated and tensed, waiting for me to move. I sucked at the sensitive skin of her inner thigh, marking it with my mouth, and then laving it with my tongue. I traced the outside of her pussy with my tongue. Her legs clenched as she trembled. “Jamie, love me, please.” There was no more time for foreplay as I finally brushed my tongue against her clit in a long, firm stroke. She moaned as her body jerked up to meet my mouth. My tongue traced over every crevice, relearned all of her inside and out before re-introducing myself to her clit. My tongue rolled over it and Claire gasped as her heels dug into my shoulders.

I knew how to make her come, and I wanted to see her in all of her glory as I did it. It was a sweet, tanginess as I circled my tongue around her clit before taking it between my lips and firmly sucking. She cried out, followed by a desperate keening of“oh God.” Her fingers threaded into my hair, pushing my face deeper into her. The flavor of her made my head swim as her juices flooded my mouth. She was getting closer. I plunged my tongue deeper into her depths as her thighs spasmed around me.

I pulled back with a cocky smirk. Her eyes flew angrily to my face. “The fuck?”

A lascivious grin pulled at my face. “Are ye close?”

“What the hell does it feel like?” She grit.

Claire was exactly where I wanted her, frustrated and desperate to cum. I lowered my head and blew over the exposed area of her pussy. She threw her head back and began to mutter intelligibly. I barely understood anything that came out of her mouth, all I was aware of was that she had lost all control. I closed my lips over her clit and started to suckle at the sensitive bundle of nerves. Long, deep, and hard, her fingers dug into my scalp, likely to avoid screaming.

I thrust my fingers inside and her hips flew off the bed as she screamed loudly. It was hard and fast. Her thighs wrapped around my head and tightened as I felt her reaching her high. The muscles rippled and trembled until she clamped down around my fingers, and I felt her body spasm. Her eyes fluttered shut as she pulsed around me. Wetness flowed into my mouth, and I tasted her sweet nectar for the first time in years. I heard her heavy breathing as she came back down to earth. Her hands tugged gently at my hair, wanting me to join her.

I slid up her body and fell into her whiskey eyes. My erection rubbed against her hip more than once as I explored her skin once again. I thought it was a treasure once lost to me, and now I was like a starving man. I nipped, sucked, and kissed my way up to her mouth. She reached down to begin the process of removing my boxers. When there was nothing between us, she tenderly grabbed my length. Her forefinger and thumb circled the tip, and then she slid her hand in an upward and downward motion. Her thumb swirled around my swollen head and I dipped forward unable to control myself as I moaned loudly in her ear.

I positioned myself at her entrance. Our eyes connected, and it was as if our souls called out for one another. She nodded her head to confirm she wanted nothing more for us than to be joined together.

There was no going back as my erection slipped past her folds. Our fingers wove together as I was suddenly surrounded by heat and tightness. My lips connected with hers at the moment of our joint union and we groaned into the kiss. I stilled myself inside of her as I didn’t want to release too soon. I wanted it to be pleasurable for her as well, and I needed to take my time because that morning was quick and fast. I was already quite worked up from what we had already done.

Her mouth was hot against my neck as her tongue lapped playfully around my skin. A nip of her teeth caused me to jerk inside of her. She pumped her hips against mine, and I caught the hint. I slowly started to move, pushing in and out, teasing her as I sunk inside of her warm walls. She threw her leg around my hip, providing me better access to her. Her walls clenched around me, and I redirected my attention by burying my face in her neck to control myself. I wanted this to last as long as possible.

We were caught somewhere in heaven and hell as I gave a quick and deep thrust. It was hard to believe we were together after all the time between us. Here we were, eighteen years after we met and almost nine after our divorce, and the connection we shared was still intact. It was as if her body and soul were still mine to know and keep.

My eyes slammed shut as I lost myself in her silky, hot, wet walls. Every time I entered her, I felt the clenching and unclenching of her muscles and it was almost my undoing. Her fingers squeezed at my bottom, urging me to move faster. I buried my face in her hair as I obliged her wishes. I smelled the vanilla scent of her shampoo and the tea she constantly drank. I was home with her, in her, and I didn’t want to lose the feeling. I saw in her eyes she knew our souls were reconnecting, joining, becoming one once again. We were whole.

I pulled all the way out and her molten gold eyes were on me. A pout formed on her lips until I pushed back in, exhaling. We established a steady rhythm as I slowly pulled almost all the way out before sinking back in again. Her throaty moans and groans caused my balls to tighten in anticipation of my release.

Her eyes were focused on where our bodies joined, watching as I thrust into her. She had always enjoyed watching us together as we lost control. Her hips raised repeatedly to meet my downstroke, and I drove back in so deep I felt myself press up against her cervix. She stroked my hair as we continued to take joy and love from one another.

My pace quickened as I continued to drive into her. I felt her hand move between us, and her breath came in little pants. I nudged her fingers aside and took over and applied the right amount of pressure as her eyes flew open. Her hips rotated against my quickening hand. She bit down on her lip, and I sensed she was close. Her face was flushed with passion. It would take a few more strokes, and we would reach our peaks together if I timed it right.

Her legs fully wrapped around my hips, her ankles locked, giving me a better angle to dive in. My fingers were soaked with her warm juices. Her whimpers were louder and uncontrolled as she threw her head back in ecstasy. “There Jamie, oh God- oh God, right there” she gasped.

“Claire, only for you,” I breathed into the hollow of her neck. She grasped my face and her eyes stared into mine, searching for something, and seemed to find it. My breathing was fast and labored, and I nearly caused my bottom lip to bleed.

I kissed her and sank my tongue into her sweet mouth. Her tongue tangled languidly with mine as our bodies continued to rock together. Her muscles clenched tightly as her body tensed in preparation. She clamped down on me like a vice, and I felt the fluttery contractions of her release. As she came down from her high, I pitched forward unable to hold it back and spilled my seed into her. My cock pulsated as I released all of my pent up frustration and love for the woman beneath me. We held onto each other, our bodies slick with sweat. I stayed inside her as long as I could, enjoying the feeling of her warm, silky walls wrapped around me.

I had come home after such a long time. “I love you,” I whispered into the hollow of her neck.

“I know,” she replied as she played with my curls.

I tentatively pulled out of her, both of us moaning at the sensation. I rolled over to stare at her before pulling her closer to me. She pressed her back into me. Despite the size difference, her body fit perfectly against my own. God had seen fit to make us for one another.

She pulled my right arm over her body and twined our fingers together. “I missed this.” She admitted. My arms wrapped tightly around her, hoping if I held on she would never leave my embrace. “I don’t mean the sex, although that’s wonderful too. I meant the connection. You’re so aware of my body and what I need. I feel as if our souls join together each time our bodies do.” I knew what she meant, but it was nice to have her confirm it as well. “But the sex is really, really good, and your fingers and fuck your mouth are like magic and feel free to use them at any time.”

I snorted into her hair. That was my Claire.

She was a puzzle. It took me years to fit the correct pieces together to figure her out and there were new pieces to add, but in essence she was Claire, my Claire. She didn’t make it easy, but I was patient and determined to know what made her tick.

“Sassenach, I thought I hated you, but I didn’t. It was easier to hate you than to love you. If I didn’t love you then I didn’t have to think about how much I missed ye. How I craved yer body and yer heart.”

I couldn’t love another woman like I did her. As surprising as it was, my love was taken the day I sat on a train. My heart was given away before I even knew it was gone. I had yet to take it back, and I didn’t want it back. She had all of me and always would.

I heard her sniffle and pictured her wet cheeks and red nose. She rolled over to face me and propped her head up on her elbow. Her brown eyes were soft and loving, but I sensed she was going to say something I wouldn’t like.

“You’re always making me emotional and cry. You say all of these wonderful, albeit sappy things and you’ve got your body pressed up against mine. I can feel every ridge and your muscles, ugh, unfair by the way, but my point is you display your love in all of these big ways. I know you didn’t move back just for our daughters.” So she had caught onto that? I thought she was being genuinely obtuse. Her eyes were moist as she posed her next question. “What are we?”

I sputtered because I was speechless. I thought it was obvious. We made declarations of love and had our fill of each other’s bodies. Then again, that still hadn’t really defined what we were to one another.

“Am I your girlfriend, your partner, equal? I just want to know exactly where I will fit into your life. I know you want this as much as I do and we’ve thrown caution out the window, but I still need to know where you foresee this going. I’ve got my ideas about it, but maybe you don’t agree.”

“Has anyone ever told you, you talking too much?”

“Yes, frequently.” Her eyes sparkled with mirth.

“I’m going to ask you to kindly shut up for a moment.” She squawked indignantly and I covered her mouth with my hand. “Claire, love of my life, mother of my children, I- there are no words- nothing could ever come close to describing what it is that I feel for you. I gave you my heart at sixteen and it’s been yours to do with as you please. I want it all with you, no matter how long it takes to get there, because Claire, a lifetime with you will never be enough for me.”

She kissed my chest, her lips warm against my cooling skin. My arms wrapped around her and we laid there soon drifting off. No words were needed between us.

Two hours later, a thigh slid over mine and I found her hovering above me. She smelled of sex and me, and her hair was a bit ruffled. It fell forward in a dark curtain, preventing the moon from bathing her in its milky glow. She didn’t look like Dr. Fraser or mommy, but like Claire, my Sassenach, the girl embarrassed because she fell into a stranger’s lap.

She sank down onto me and took me inside of her. We made love again as she cried out above me. Her breasts pressed into my face as I took a nipple between my lips. It was slow and lazy as we our bodies made the promise of forever.

We were shifting and sliding against each other, and I felt the world shattering around me. No one else existed except for the two of us as I marked her skin. She reached her climax quickly and I followed not long after. I swallowed her cries with my lips and savored the taste of her. I saved it to my memory because I never wanted to forget, the night where my world fell into place.

I watched as her face relaxed and smoothed, her cheeks pink with exertion and release. She fell on top of me in a heap, and we drifted off to sleep with me still firmly inside of her.

I pressed my lips to her hair and kept her in the cocoon of my arms.

She nuzzled under my chin, her soft words a murmur on my skin. “Jamie,” she whispered, her breath tickling the hairs on my chest. “Jamie, wake up.” She shook me.

My eyes shot open to find her there. Her eyes were wide and alert as a fond smile teased her lips. She ran her fingers through my hair as she stared up at me. “Will you come somewhere with me?”

“Anywhere.”

It was still dark out, but the blackness of night was quickly fading to welcome the light of day. Claire threw on a large hoodie and some leggings, while I grabbed some shorts and my own hoodie. “Hey, that’s mine.” I realized with a start it was my hoodie from when I was in grad school. It disappeared after the divorce, and now I knew why.

“I’ve owned it longer, but I might be persuaded to share.”

I slapped her ass. “You’re a damn tease and you know it.”

She grabbed a blanket and I followed her out of the house. We went back down to the beach and she dropped the blanket. She glanced up at me and bit her lip. “Would you like to take a swim with me?”

“What?” It came out harsher than I intended, but it was October.

Her eyes darted to the water before flicking back to me. “It won’t be that bad. But I want to do this with you. No one’s out and my nearest neighbor is a mile away.”

I took a second to consider her offer. I wasn’t opposed to it and what was a little cold compared to her body pressed to mine.

“Okay,” I agreed.

We stripped, our eyes met several times admiring one another’s body, and then she held out her hand for me to take as we walked to the water. The water was freezing, but she was there next to me. Her body was hot and I held her in my arms. She sighed happily in my embrace. “The first time I watched the sunrise here, watch the sun bathe the earth in brilliant light, it was like watching the world be reborn. It transformed and in a lot of ways, I’ve transformed. I’m still Claire, but I like who I am now.”

She turned in my arms and I fused our lips together.I poured everything into that kiss, my need and want of her, my love. There were no more miscommunications between us. Her tongue darted out to poke at my lips before slipping back into her mouth. I slanted my mouth over hers, stealing her breath, and she gasped. I used the opportunity to slide my tongue in and as our tongues slid together in a familiar dance, my head spun.

Her pebbled nipples pressed against my chest. Her skin was cool, but when we touched it was like fire. It was scorching. My hands found her breasts, and I kneaded the soft mounds, my fingers finding her nipples, rolling them between my thumbs and forefingers. She moaned into my mouth and the sound went straight to my cock. We pulled apart, only to get ourselves back to the beach. The ocean wasn’t an easy location for sex. She wrapped the blanket around us.

She was close. I could count all of her eyelashes. She blinked owlishly up at me, her lip caught between her teeth. Her hand slid lower, grasping me as she began to rub her hand. “Tell me what you want,” she demanded breathily.

“I want you.”

“Then take me.”

I surged forward, capturing her lips, her hand fell away from my cock, but it was just as well. I had other plans for it. She guided my hands to her slick, silk folds, and I knew we were on the same page. Her body bucked into mine as my fingers slide into her. She was hot and wet. My knees nearly buckled. My brain was fried and my body reacted on instinct.

Her lips were pressed to my chest as I continued to coax her. She pulled back and the early light of the morning was in her eyes. In her, I saw the a new beginning. We were a new day, being reborn in the sun’s glow. She was everything I would ever want in life and I was stupid to think otherwise. “Claire,” I said, her name a prayer on my lips. She was my salvation.

I cupped her face and kissed her deeply. She reached between us and guided me into her body, my home, my temple where I worshipped at her alter. “Fuck,” i groaned as I sank into her. The angle was hard given our differences in height, and I wasn’t as deep as I wanted. I pushed until my body was flush with hers. “I love ye, Sassenach.”

She peppered kisses along my face and neck as her body rocked against mine. My thrusts were shallow, and she mewled desperately for more. I pulled out of her before pushing back in, lifting her into my arms. Her legs circled my legs and I almost lost control.

The blanket fell and I lowered her onto it. A primitive growl erupted from my chest when I saw her there, spread out for me like a feast. She was stretched out for me, her hands above her head, her breasts on display with her pert, pink nipples. All of her was for my viewing only. I pulled out before surging forward, full thrust into her, harder than before, grinding into her. The sounds she made were music to my ears as thrusted hard and long into her body over and over again, taking and giving from her.

I grabbed her hands, lacing our fingers together, and fell on top of her. I drove into her hard and deep, and a low keen came from her mouth. Her eyes were squeezed shut in ecstasy, her head was thrown back, giving me access to her neck. “Take me Jamie, show me I’m yours,” she pleaded pitifully. Some of the sounds she made were animalistic and it fueled the possessive beast within.

Our gazes met. “Mine,” I growled. She was mine and I was hers. That was it.

I pounded into her relentlessly, my lips trailing up her neck until I met her mouth and shoved my tongue in to swallow her screams. Her walls tightened and fluttered around me, but I didn’t stop. I did my best to circle and grind during each thrust to make it as pleasurable for her. It was getting harder to keep up the momentum, so fucking hard.

She clenched around me, soaking me, and my muscles tightened, my neck arching as I surged into her one last time before releasing into her. I collapsed onto her, my breathing harsh to my own ears. Claire spasmed around me a few more times, aftershocks was what she called it.

I rolled over and pulling her on top of me. She draped across my chest, her hair splayed everywhere. I kissed the shell of her ear and slid my palm over her stomach.

“We should head back inside,” she mumbled sleepily.

I played with the ends of her hair, marveling at how the light reflected off of it. The early crimson glow bathed her and she was radiant, like her own little star.

We stay out there a little longer, not ready to part from one another just yet, but the day had to start. We quickly dressed as the early morning chill hit us and gathered the blanket to rush back inside. We were already risking getting sick, but it was worth it.

* * *

Time wasn’t on our side as we ran into Isla on her way to the bathroom. Her fists rubbed at her tired eyes as she shuffled out of her bedroom. She wasn’t fully awake, or she wasn’t until the moment her eyes landed on us. Her eyes flicked from me to Claire and back. I saw the unasked question in her eyes.

“G’morning,” she greeted drowsily. “Why are you up so early? I thought we weren’t leaving until later.”

Claire was quick to respond. “We decided to watch the sun rise.”

Isla’s brows scaled her forehead as she took in our appearances again, lingering on Claire’s wet, tangled hair and her flushed cheeks.

“Uh… um you know what,” she shook her head. “I don’t want to know.” She made a face.

She walked past us and I swore I heard her making retching sounds.

Claire buried her face in my bicep as she attempted to stifle her giggles. “Ye think that’s funny?”

She bit her lip and looked up at me and then fell apart. “I’m sorry,” she chortled. “Oh, did you see the look on her face? We’ve scarred her for life.”

The way in which Isla made it a mission to avoid eye contact with us told us she knew what we were doing outside.

We overheard Isla and Bree talking as they loaded up the car. “Why are you being so weird?”

“I’m not.”

“Uh yeah you are, you looked like you were going throw up when mom told you to put away the laundry.”

Isla mumbled something about a blanket. “It’s nothing. You don’t want to know. Just if you ever hear them talk about sunrises, go in the opposite direction.”

"This family is weird."

So yeah, our twelve year old daughter was officially traumatized and horrified.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're finally together. There won't be any angst either, not like in the original. This is the long haul. In case, it wasn't clear, Jamie and Claire are together now. Full fluff and some more steamy moments ahead, people.
> 
> Are you a morning person or a night owl?  
> Night owl


	36. Show Me Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise next chapter will be longer, but I wanted to post something today.

It shouldn’t be as easy as it was to fall back into a relationship with Jamie given the distance between us, physical and temporal. Yet, in many ways, it was as if we never parted. There were noticeable differences, increased passion, and it did take us a bit longer to recover after we rediscovered the joys of one another’s bodies and took our fill; all of the best parts of being with him were still there. If anything, it was heightened. 

We knew what we were risking everything for this time. Our end goal matched up and there was no running away anymore, and if one of us did, the other would chase them. We were playing for keeps. This wasn’t like before because we knew what there was to lose.

He pressed his jean covered crotch into my ass. The sensation felt good, but I wanted to feel more of him. “Have I told ye how much I love yer arse?” I shook my head, biting my lip as he pushed into me, his body molding to mine. His chest was firm and hard, and his cock provided a little friction. His tongue licked the shell of my ear, teasing the lobe. I shivered. “It’s glorious. Even better than my memories.” His voice was pitched low and did strange things to me.

I felt my panties dampen. I was losing control and he had barely touched me.

“Jamie,” I whimpered as he continued to lavish attention on my ear before switching to the other. Instead of the gentle teasing he gave the other, he drew the lobe into his mouth, sucking slowly. “Please.”

One of his hands moved forward to stroke my sides, but never moved towards my breasts where I wanted his touch. The smug bastard knew what he was doing. He had enjoyed working me up over the last three weeks. We had done it on my desk, the shower, in his car, and too many other places to count. We were insatiable, but one aspect that never changed was how he looked when he watched my control slip.

I squirmed a little, trying to get his palm to move upwards. His hand crept along the edges, brushing the sides of my breasts, his touch was a whisper, and I growled. He chuckled against my neck, sending heat through my body. The moisture in my core grew in preparation for what was to come.

Unable to handle the lack of skin to skin contact any longer, I unbuttoned the top of my [dress](https://www.modcloth.com/shop/dresses/collectif-cherished-era-checkered-shirt-dress-in-burgundy-plaid/166653.html?dwvar_166653_color=WINE&dwvar_166653_size=4%20\(UK\)&kpid=10108015-WINE-4+\(UK\)&gate=false&src=paid_pla&gclsrc=aw.ds&&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI_8qkkfbA6AIVVeDICh2kTw_kEAkYFiABEgJ49fD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds), thankful I had chosen a lacy black bra. His visit was a surprise and we didn’t have plans to meet until the following day for lunch.

I felt his grin against my neck as he peered down at his unwrapped present. “Beautiful, och Claire.” His voice rumbled sending vibrations down my spine. “They look so good from this angle.”

His fingers stroked the column of my throat before skimming down to the tops of my breasts. His touch was light like a feather. “Tell me what ye want.”

“Touch me.”

“I am.”

I growled. “Touch my breasts.”

He did. His hands moved forward and cupped them as he began to squeeze. “They fit perfectly like they were made exactly for me.” His touch was electric, but it was always more than that with us. There was an emotional component that made everything feel even better. He was a good partner, always willing to give me a good time, and to take care of my needs before his own.

I closed my eyes and melted against him, allowed him to continue his ministrations with his mouth and hands. He was here to cheer me up after I texted him earlier. I hadn’t expected him to pop up, but the moment I opened my office door, I didn’t care. I wanted his comfort in whatever form that took. In his defense, I was the one who initiated the kiss that led to our current position.

“Lean forward baby with yer hands on the wall.” His fingers continued to pinch and roll my nipples, but I knew he was gearing up for the main event. We were both more than ready for him to fill me to the brim.

My ass stuck out at this angle and he ground his hips into me. “Ahh Claire, I’m going to make ye feel so good.” That was the idea. I wanted to forget. My body trembled as I heard him unbuckle his pants and lower his zipper. I pulled away for a moment to hike up the back of my dress. I really did like it and didn’t want it ruined.

“Are ye wearing a thong?” He choked out when my bare skin was revealed to him.

I smiled at his reaction. “Fuck,” he groaned as his fingers skimmed over my ass. He was grinding against me, he was so hard. He continued to squeeze one of my breasts, while his fingers scraped against my nipple. The pressure felt good on my tight nipple. I rocked back against him and we both grunted at the sensation.

“Fuck Jamie,” I moaned as his lips brushed across my neck, his tongue trailing down towards my shoulders. “We shouldn-“

His hand covered my mouth as he entered me quick and fast from behind. “Shh Claire, no more talking.” We groaned as he pulled out and plunged back into me. My hands were planted firmly on the wall in front of me and I threw my head back giving Jamie plenty of access to my neck.

He reached forward, his palm slowly sliding up my sensitive skin. My clit throbbed and I removed one of my hands to rub it, my eyes closing at the sensation combined with Jamie pumping into me from behind. “Let me,” Jamie shoved aside my fingers and took over. His thick, calloused fingers moved quickly in tight circles, hitting just right, and I moaned loudly.

He pulled out and I whined. “Oh Claire, ye should see it.” He nuzzled into my neck. “It’s beautiful.” He rammed back into me, harder and faster than the first time. “Ye feel so good.”

“Oh,” I gasped. I was close. I could feel my walls tightening around him.

His pace was bruising as his hands tightening on my hips. His balls smacked against my ass, the sound punctuating the air between our groans and pants.

“Almost there,” I told him breathlessly. My walls fluttered.

Jamie took it as a challenge and one of his hands slid from my hip to the crease of my thigh to my center. He pressed hard and a guttural, animalistic sounds escaped me as I clenched around him.

He made a few shallow thrusts, dragging out my climax. “Fuck.” He still hadn’t cum. “Let go Jamie, just let go.” Within seconds, he was jerking inside of me as he finally released. I leaned against the wall, panting uncontrollably, attempting to regain my breath. Jamie had collapsed onto my back. His breaths were fast like mine. He pressed a kiss to my spine.

Neither of us made any sounds as we came down, our pulses returning to their normal rates.

Jamie finally pulled out of me. I winced at the sound, but there were tissues on my desk. We cleaned ourselves as best we could. “So you can cheer me up anytime if that’s what you’ve got in mind.”

His face flushed as he laughed. He shook his head as he pulled me into his arms. I settled my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. “Do ye want to go to dinner with me tomorrow? I ken it’s yer night off so if ye wanted to-“

“I would love to go on a date with you. I really do have to get back to work, but I’m looking forward to tomorrow. Thank you again for stopping bye.” I pecked his lips. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he grinned at me. He leaned down to kiss me thoroughly, tongue and all. “Mmm, Claire.” I pushed him, knowing if he stayed I would never get anything done. “Okay, okay I get it. I’ll see ye. And dinna worry about Isla and Bree, I’ll make sure they do their homework and go to bed on time.”

I smiled knowingly. They started staying with him a few nights a week as of two weeks ago, and Jamie was terrible at reinforcing their bedtime. They pushed out their little lips and batted their big, blue eyes and he caved, giving them another thirty minutes. It was his own fault they refused to get out of bed when they were at his place.

“I’ll try.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it. They’ve got you wrapped around their little fingers. You’re a sucker James Fraser, be strong.” I giggled.

He stepped closer as I backed away. “I’ll show ye strong.”

“Ooh, Jamie I’m seeing a new side of you.”

We halted our movements at the unwelcome entrance of my best friend. I dropped my head to my chest. She was going to tease me endlessly for this.

Jamie turned to Mel. “Hello, how are ye?” He greeted casually as if he hadn’t just had me pressed against the wall five minutes previous.

Mel’s eyes roamed over us, her eyes lingering on my neck and disheveled dress. A smirk appeared. “Not as good as you apparently.”

I blushed. “It’s not what you think.”

Her brows lifted as she nodded her head at us. “Really? So you didn’t just have hot office sex with your baby daddy who is also your ex-husband and current boyfriend?”

“I hate you.”

“No you don’t.”

I glared at her, but she remained unbothered. “I can’t wait to tell Joe about this. He’s going to laugh himself silly and he owes me fifty bucks now.”

My eyes widened in horror. “What? What bet?”

She grinned. “I told him you two were totally doing it. He didn’t believe me, but you’ve been a little smug and just a little too glowy recently. You’ve practically been floating and let me tell you people have noticed.”

“Ugh.”

Jamie chuckled as he kissed my head. “While this is riveting, I have to get back. The equipment is being delivered today, and I have to be there to sign for it.”

A topic change was just what the doctor prescribed. “I would love to see your equipment.” Jamie’s lips twitched and Mel didn’t bother to hide her laughter. “Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ, why can’t I talk like a normal person? That was not meant to sound so um sexual. I promise it wasn’t an innuendo. I really do want to visit and see what you’ve done so far, but whenever you’re ready. I love watching your work with your hands, and yes I heard that one too. I’m going to stop talking.”

Jamie gave me one last lingering kiss before departing. I knew he just wanted to leave so he could laugh without me seeing him do it.

“Oh Claire, you really know how to use your womanly wiles.”

“Shut up.”

“In the office, really? Where?”

I averted my eyes. There weren’t a lot of surfaces we hadn’t used in the last few weeks. Jamie timed his visits with my lunch break, and I did fill one appetite during that time.

“You dirty girl!” She exclaimed. “I always knew you had it in you. I’m so proud, but also disgusted because now I don’t feel safe sitting or touching any surfaces in your office.”

“Then you might not want to lean against that wall,” I smirked at her, garnering the reaction I wanted as she jumped away as if shocked.

“Wall sex? You had wall sex?”

I laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is Claire and Jamie's big date. It's going to be a fun time. Also, this is going to have a legit happy ending. There won't be anything bittersweet this time because that would literally depress me. The state of mind is so different than two years ago, and I just want something happy for them.
> 
> Instead of a get to know you question, I'm going to ask what sort of situations would you like to see Jamie and Claire in before the story ends? I'm having a lot of fun writing this, although it's definitely more sex than I've written in my life.


	37. Just You and Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We won't address what time it is or how long I spent writing this haha
> 
> My sister wants it to be known she picked out all of the clothing and that I have no taste except when it comes to myself lol
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3HDVqeKBBKZYfCzYvQEodz?si=uUZ-sRh6RjaDEjaBFO7QQQ
> 
> Let date night commence.

“Mom, what is wrong with you?”

My gaze snapped towards Isla who was leaning against my door frame as I fretted over my hair for the umpteenth time. I was adding the last pin after redoing my hair three times. “What do you mean?”

“You’re all anxious and it’s making me nervous. I thought it was just dinner, or is there something you need to tell me?” She wagged her brows and I shuddered. I didn’t like the implications.

My daughter was twelve and knew about sex. It made me uncomfortable to think about. “It’s dinner. We’re just focusing on getting to know one another.”

“Yeah you guys already know each other quite well in the Biblical sense. You could probably use a conversation involving words and not your lips.”

“Excuse me? You just got your phone back young lady, and I’ve told you several times now that I won’t tolerate disrespect. What I do with my personal life is my business.”

“Except it affects me and Bree,” she counter-argued. “I get you’re dating and I don’t know exactly how you define it, but Bree is confused. She’s nine and has no idea what’s happening, not that I really do either. But I did catch you at the beach house and I’m fairly sure that was you guys making all of that noise in the garage last week, so do you know what’s happening?”

I didn’t appreciate the interrogation. I was the adult and she was the child, but she made valid points about it partly being her business. “We’re dating. We decided to take it slow. I don’t want to rush into anything, which is why we haven’t shared the news with you or your sister.”

“I’m not a little kid mom. I have amazing deduction skills. I know what a hickey is and your neck has been covered in them recently, which is all types of gross. I mean it’s great you’re reconnecting or whatever,” she made a face and wrinkled her nose at the thought. “But I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to know that dad mauls your neck like some vampire. In my mind, you’ve had sex twic-”

“Okay um maybe we should change topics.”

Color stained my cheeks as I realized we weren’t as discreet as I thought we were. Isla wasn’t done and continued speaking, ignoring my protests.

“Last week you almost got away with saying the drink was hot, but I heard you say he first before you backtracked and said it’s.” That did happen. Jamie had peeled off his sweater to reveal a t-shirt that conformed perfectly to the contours of his body. His muscles flexed and my eyes couldn’t look away. “Hey,” she snapped. “Stop that!” Her face appeared a little green. It was sort of fun to rile her up after all of her antics. She normally seemed fairly cool and indifferent, but now I had a way to annoy her, not that I wanted it to involve my love life.

Was she paying me that much attention without me noticing? Isla was an observant child. There was no denying that, but I hadn’t realized she was taking notes on my behavior or listening closely to what came out of my mouth.

“I’m sorry. I know you’re not a child anymore. It’s hard for me to reconcile this young woman you’re becoming with the little girl who asked Santa to take her sister back.”

“Hey! I thought we wouldn’t mention that again. It happened once… okay twice, but I haven’t asked for that since I was six. So this is a date? Like he’s your boyfriend?”

I nodded. “It’s our first one in a long time. He is my boyfriend.” Boyfriend seemed such a lackluster word to describe what he meant to me, but for all intents and purposes, it was what he was to me. “I’m nervous. It’s why I’ve been so-“

“Annoying, jumpy, like you haven’t been able to sit still all freaking day. It’s just dad. He looks at you with heart eyes. He wouldn’t care if you were wearing a plastic bag as long as you were going out to dinner with him.”

Somehow my twelve year old managed to settle my nerves about the evening. I took a deep breath and slowly released it. My earlier anxiety seeped out of me. “You’re right, but he’s not just your dad.”

“He’s the man you’re in love with. Don’t think I haven’t noticed your heart eyes too mom. You look hot. That red dress compliments your skin nicely. You picked out killer heels and your make-up is tasteful.” How did she know all of these things? “You should you use that small black purse, that Valentino one grand-mère gave to you. You’ve definitely put a lot of effort into your look tonight.”

“You seem to pay attention to a lot of things these days. Why is it you haven’t paid that much attention to your English grade?”

“Oh,” she said innocently, glancing at her phone. “Would you look at the time? I think I have some homework to do.”

I laughed as she backed herself out of the door. “Wait,” I called before she was in the hall. “I’m going to see your dad’s equipment this weekend.” Her face scrunched up and she looked at me with horror in her eyes. “Oh no! Not again, I’m going to watch him play with it and by it, I mean his equipment, and by that I mean at the brewery. They delivered it and he’s going to test it this weekend.”

“Please stop mom, you made that sentence more awkward.”

“Anyway, did you want to come along? I asked Bree and she said yes, but if you have plans that is fine.” I thought it was a good opportunity to spend time together as a family. We all were frequently busy with our own schedules, and there wasn’t much planned until thanksgiving and Bree’s tenth birthday was the following day.

Isla thought about it and checked her phone. “No, I don’t have anything. We cancelled movie night this month. Exams are this week and everyone wants to get some studying done.” At least she was taking initiative with her grades. The C she had in English was unlike her. “Before you say anything, I was missing a few assignments because of my doctor’s appointments. I turned them in today, so my grade should be at least a B. I did some extra credit to help with a test I totally bombed and it should bring that test grade up to a C plus.”

“That’s acceptable. Let me see it.”

She huffed, but obliged as she handed her phone to me. After the incident involving social media, Jamie and I agreed to check her profiles once a week. We wanted to know what she was posting, who she was talking to, and that she was being safe online. “I see you’ve changed your profile pic again.”

“The last one sucked. I like this one. It’s from those pictures we did in the spring.”

Every spring and autumn, I hired a photographer to take pictures of Bree and Isla to update the photos around the house. They complained endlessly about how they hated some of them, so I gave them an opportunity every year to take a better one. “You deleted a lot of photos recently.”

She dug her toes into the carpet and lowered her head. “Yeah… well I didn’t like them. So it’s just my family on there for the time being. There’s still some unresolved drama from all that sh-stuff with Addie. Lots of room for Bree to make her appearance, but she literally never smiles when I take her picture.”

I glared at her for her near slip and she grinned sheepishly. “Reminds me of you when you were younger. Why did you post my wedding photo? Where did you find a copy?” I knew I put all of my wedding photos in a box in my closet. I didn’t want to destroy them because no matter the outcome it was a good day and I figured one day Isla and Bree would want to see them.

“Um… you know I think I should really go do that homework now.” She plucked her phone out of my hands and darted out the door.

“You little sneak, Isla stay out of my closet.”

I finished readying myself for the evening. I hesitated upon opening my jewelry box, debating on which necklace best complimented my dress. I wanted to send a message to Jamie about my commitment to our burgeoning relationship and decided on the infinity necklace he gave me on our first wedding anniversary with our names and the date of our very first date.

The doorbell rang as I fastened it around my neck. Before I had a chance to respond, Isla yelled out. “I GOT IT!!! FINISHING GETTING READY MOM.” I heard her thumps as she went down the stairs. I thanked my lucky stars she had stopped jumping the last few steps. She had made strides in her recovery, but she definitely wasn’t there yet.

Bree followed behind her sister and I could hear the murmured voices of the three people I loved most. I suspected the real reason Isla was quick to the door was so that she could intercept me and interrogate her father about his intentions. She was subtle and would figure out how not to alert her sister to the seriousness of our relationship. Jamie and I planned on doing that soon, but things were busy. Bree’s season was wrapping up and snowboarding would enter her schedule. She decided to drop indoor soccer this year.

I grabbed my coat, applied another coat of my red lipstick, and slid into my heels. I checked my appearance one last time and flicked off the light on my way out.

I stopped at the top of the stairs when I caught my first glimpse of Jamie. He wore a suit, which was a rare occurrence. It fit him perfectly, hugging his muscles, and I imagined his backside.

Isla and Bree were telling him about something and he chuckled. It was deep and there was so much warmth in it. Happiness filled me at the sight of the three of them together. Jamie turned his head and he gasped, literally gasped at the sight of me.

“Dhia!” Bree and Isla grinned as they nudged each other. I descended the stairs slowly to avoid tripping down the stairs and winding up in the emergency room instead of across the table from Jamie. “Ye look absolutely beautiful Claire.”

My eyes raked over him and my tongue darted out for a quick pass of my lips. He was delectable. “You don’t look so bad yourself,” I said to him. I had to keep it PG.

His smile widened as he offered me his hand. I glad took it and stepped into his embrace. I inhaled his scent and sighed. He smelled amazing as always, and there was that something that was just Jamie. I felt his lips in my hair. “The things I want to do to ye,” he whispered in my ear. “They are so verra filthy.” I shivered at his sultry tone.

“Then we’re having similar thoughts.” I stepped out of his arms, turning back to our daughters. “Okay, we should be back around ten. If there’s an emergen-“

“Then we should call you on my phone. We have to set the alarm as you leave and you want a text update every hour. We have to be in bed by ten, but we can stay up in our rooms for you to say goodnight.”

“You’re a smartarse.”

She winked cheekily. “I learned it from you mom.”

I rolled my eyes at her. “Incorrigible like your father.”

“Hey!” Jamie exclaimed.

I smiled at him. “Alright hugs and kisses.” They rushed into my arms. Jamie wrapped his around all three of us and it was nice. It was how it was supposed to be.

“You’re squishing us.”

“Can’t breathe.”

“Dramatic like yer mam.”

I smacked his chest. “I am not dramatic.”

He raised his brows and glanced at my arm. “Ye just proved my point. We will see ye two later.”

“She better be in this house by ten dad.”

“Yeah daddy! We are watching you.” Bree picked up Peaches as she walked by. “Say by to mama and daddy.”

Jamie laughed. “I will do my best.” I shook my head at the three of them. They were silly. “See ye two later.”

I blew them a few kisses and took Jamie’s arm as he escorted me from the house. Bree and Isla had their faces planted against the front window and were watching attentively. Jamie led me to my side and opened the door for me. “And they say chivalry is dead.” He winked at me.

“Only for ye, my love.”

“You’re so cheesy.” I waited until he was on his side before asking him about where we were going.

“It’s a surprise.”

I pouted. “Oh come on please, you know I hate surprises.”

A smile teased his lips. “I know. Ye’ll have to wait and find out.” I sat back and crossed my arms. “Ye look adorable when ye do that. It reminds me of Isla.” I made a face at him. His hand landed on my knee, and tingles crawled up my leg to my center.

“Jamie,” I warned him as his hand inched up my thigh.

“What?” He asked innocently, his eyes on the road.

“You know damn well what. I want food and wine. You are not getting lucky today and you will not ruin my panties with your shenanigans.”

“How is it my fault if a simple touch arouses ye?”

He was a smug bastard and he knew what he was doing. “You think you’re so clever.”

“I am. I am only touching yer leg. Ye’re the one with the issue.”

“This isn’t a normal touch. Your fingers keep moving higher and have definitely gone under my dress.” I glared at his appendages. “You’re playing a dangerous game Mr. Fraser.”

He smirked at me. My head spun and my heart nearly flew out of my chest. He was sex on a stick. I wanted him, but I wanted this date more. He was making it difficult to resist him. “Fine for ye Mrs. Fraser, I will place my hand somewhere that doesn’t get ye worked up to the point that ye make all those wee noises.”

We spent nearly an hour in the car, and he still refused to divulge the location of our date.

**JPOV**

I shook my head with a fond smile on my lips as she tried yet again to get me to reveal our final destination. She tried the seductive route, which I appreciate immensely. I got a great view of her creamy thighs and a peek at her black lace panties. I wanted to rip them off of her, but we deserved to have this night for ourselves without sneaking around.

I finally turned off the road and pulled into a parking lot. We were just outside of the city limits. Claire stared at our surroundings in confusion. “Where are we?”

“It’s still a surprise.” I exited the car and went around to her side to open the door for her. I stole a kiss from her, but didn’t deepen it. We had a reservation and the two of us got carried away more often than not.

She licked her lips. “Mhm, what was that for?”

“Just because I like you.”

“Only like?”

I glances shyly at her. “Ye ken it is more than that.”

She beamed at me. Her eyes were bright and alight with love. “For me too.” Her hand slid down my arm until our hands were clasped together. Our fingers wove together, a perfect fit. “Lead the way Mr. I like to surprise my girlfriend.”

“Girlfriend?”

“Girlfriend.” She responded.

I smiled at her. It was the first time she had said it. She was my girlfriend. I was giddy. Everything felt new and different. It was exciting. “Come on.”

We entered a gazebo like structure and her eyes widened in surprise. Fairy lights were strung up everywhere and candles glowed from every table. Space heaters kept the atmosphere warm and patrons from freezing in the cool autumn air. “How did you discover this place?”

“Jamie!” A voice called.

Her head snapped up and she failed to hide her smile.

“Ahh Claire, you are as gorgeous as ever. Look at you and back with him, come now someone as hot as you with this ugly mug.”

“Tony, you cad,” she laughed as she threw her arms around him. “This is yours? The restaurant?”

He grinned at her. “I told you I was going to do it.”

“You did. How’s Isabella?”

“We got married a few years ago, went the long engagemenf route, and had a few kids. How are your daughters?”

“Oh they’re wonderful. They’re twelve and ten and driving me mad.”

“I still don’t believe you had two kids. There’s no way, not with that body.”

“Ye can stop ogling her now.” I growled at him, pulling Claire to my side.

Tony winked at her. “Alright, alright besides it’s not like anyone could ever steal her from you. She’s only ever looked at you from the day you introduced us. See she’s staring at you now.”

My eyes looked down and caught hers staring up at me. She grinned unabashedly, not caring at all that she was busted. I pecked her nose.

“The two of are so cute. It’s making me having a stomachache. I can’t wait to tell Isa about this development. She always thought if anyone would last it would be you two. Now follow me.”

He led us towards the center. “Here is your table. Your server will be here soon, and I hope you two enjoy your evening. We will have to get together soon. Remember Claire, my heart still burns for you.”

“In your dreams Anthony.”

“You know it,” he laughed as he walked away.

“I can’t believe this.”

“Good surprise?”

Her eyes roamed over our surroundings, appraising the atmosphere. “Yes, it’s beautiful. It’s magical. I didn’t know Tony had a restaurant.”

“I invested in it.” I informed her.

“Can I get you two anything to drink?”

I ordered a bottle of wine and some water for us. “You invested- so you sort of own this place?”

“You could say that. Tony needed a partner. He dinna have all the funds, so two years ago I went in with him as a silent partner.”

“That’s incredible. You and Tony were always close. I’m glad you were able to stay friends.”

Tony was one of the first people I met when I started my Master’s program. He hadn’t believed me when I told him I was married and then when he met Claire, he was in total disbelief. He would hit on her every time they saw each other as a joke and try to get her to leave me. He was never serious as he had his own girlfriend, and it was their own joke. Claire pretended she was heartbroken when he shared the news with us he was engaged to Isabella and was officially going off the market. We all had a good laugh. 

“Yeah, he’s visited a few times and I’m his daughter Maria’s godfather.”

She smiled softly. “You did make him Bree’s godfather, so I would say it’s well earned. “Remember how terrified he was of dropping her at the christening?”

“The way he held her in the photos still makes me laugh. He had never held a baby in his life and there he was holding ours like she had the plague.”

“So tell me something.”

“Anything,” I replied.

She giggled. “I didn’t mean literally. I thought you could tell me something about yourself that I don’t know.”

I pondered silently over what to tell her. “When ye fell in my lap on the train, I wanted to kiss ye. Ye were adorable with yer pink cheeks and the babbling.”

Claire covered her face and groaned. “I was a disaster. I think I said something about you having a nice lap. Who says that?”

“Ye do. Then again ye’ve always made yer appreciation for my body well known.”

Her mouth fell open as her hands fall to her lap. “Jamie!” She scolded as she glanced around to make sure no one overhead. “I can’t believe you.”

“The feeling is mutual.” My eyes drifted to her neckline where I had ample view of her cleavage and the rosy blush spreading across her collarbone. “No need for embarrassment.”

“You’re very bold tonight.” Her eyes darkened as her tongue glides across her lips. I tracked the movement with my eyes, wishing there wasn’t a table separating us. “Tsk, tsk it’s too bad we will be sleeping in separate beds. I guess I might have to take care of my needs myself tonight.”

“Ye little teas-“

“Here you go,” our server filled our glasses and set the bottle in a bucket. “Are you ready to order?”

We ordered our food and she left us to it. Claire sipped her wine and moaned. She was doing it on purpose if the way she was looking at me was an indication. “I love a good red.”

“Do ye?”

She smirked. Her eyes were as dark as night as she leaned forward. “Oh yes.”

“Fuck,” I groaned.

“Which you won’t be doing.”

I growled at her at the reminder. “I’ll be calling ye tonight.”

Her eyes grew brighter. “Oh? What will we be talking about?”

“Ye won’t be doing much of the talking and ye will be naked, writhing and making yer wee noises as I bring ye to the edge.”

The sultry grin she rewarded me with was worth it. “That can be arranged.”

Suddenly, her gaze shifted as laughter from a nearby drifted towards us. “Oh no,” she mumbled, turning in her seat, covering her face.

“What?”

“It’s nothing.”

“It doesn’t seem like nothing.”

The laughter continued and Claire grew more uncomfortable. “Do ye ken one of them?” She nodded her head. “Is it the man?” She nodded. “Did ye date?”

Her eyes widened and she looked nauseated by the idea. “Jamie, do you seriously not recognize the female laughing?” I shook my head. “It’s my mother and her… boyfriend as if someone her age should have one.”

I snorted into my hands. She narrowed her eyes. “Yer mam, Julia has a boyfriend and ye dinna say anything?”

Her face soured. “Yes, she told me two months ago. I had them round for dinner. Apparently they’ve been dating for eight months, and she didn’t bother to tell me. The real reason she moved out was to move in with him.” She was worked up about it. Claire was protective of her mother, but I sensed it was the idea that her mum was moving on and dating. “He’s lovely, but it’s weird. I can’t believe we are at the same place for dinner. Ew, they just kissed.” She made a choking sound, similar to the kind Isla made. “Do ye want to switch places? That way ye dinna have to see her.”

Her eyes softened and she nods her head. “You’re the sweetest. I’ll definitely look forward to that call later. I’ll throw in some pictures for you as a reward.”

I sucked in a breath as my mind began to conjure all sorts of dirty images. “I canna wait.”

Dinner was excellent. We talked about our careers, our daughters, we even discussed our expectations for the future. “I wouldn’t mind getting married again, just not right now. I’ve been considering joining Mel’s private practice and cutting back on my time in the O.R.” No words could’ve shocked me more. One of Claire’s biggest dreams upon deciding she wanted to become a surgeon was to one day ascend to the role of chief of surgery. “I know, it’s surprising. I want to spend more time with Isla and Bree, and if there are more children to come,” my heart skipped a beat. Did she want more? Our daughters were enough for me, but I wouldn’t mind having another bairn or two. “I’m getting ahead of myself. The point is I want to spend time focusing on us, our family, and what we are building together. I love my job, but it is time consuming. If I joined a practice, which precipitated your move, so don’t get that guilty look, it’s not your fault. I’ll have time to go on proper holidays and to go on date nights with you. I can attend Isla and Bree’s games and other school events.”

“Ye dinna have to explain yourself to me mo chridhe. I want whatever ye do.”

“That’s nice and all, but you do have a say. When I told you I wanted us to start anew, it was implied that we do things as partners. There won’t be anymore of one of us deciding and not consulting the other. We have to communicate.”

I took a sip of my wine. “Ye’re right. I think it is a good idea. I see ye stressing yerself out and ye dinna always seem happy.”

She lowered eyes to the table and her fingers traced the rim of her glass. “I never told you this, but before you, I never thought of marriage or kids. They seemed like ideas for later, a lot later, but then you kissed me in my sitting room. I- I- no one ever looked at me the way you do. Being with you, I started thinking about kids and marriage, a house where we would make our home, and those ambitions I had for myself were pushed to the side. I still wanted to accomplish them, but they weren’t as important to me. I lost sight of the important stuff for a long time and allowed you to get away. I thought after you left, I could fill the hole in my life with my career. It worked for a long time, but it didn’t help with loneliness. Peter helped and I did love him, but having you back, it’s made me realize that there’s more to life than surgery.”

Her hand covered mine and I turned mine over to connect our palms. Her fingers slid through mine. “Are ye sure?”

She squeezed my hand. “Yeah, I am. It won’t happen until after my sabbatical, but I think it is time to cut back on my hours.”

“I want to kiss ye.”

“I wouldn’t object, but I think the people around us would.” That wicked smile of hers made an appearance.

“Ye saucy little minx.”

“You seem to bring it out in me.”

I paid the bill and wrapped my arm around Claire’s waist as made our leave. Julia winked at meas Claire burrowed into my side. I blushed under her knowing gaze. She smiled and waved goodbye with her daughter none the wiser.

“Can I kiss ye now?”

“Yes,” she breathed as my mouth slanted against hers. She moaned into the kiss and pulled me closer, her fists grasping the lapels of my coat. I poured my love into the kiss and slid my tongue past the seal of her lips. She pulled back with a dazed expression. “Mhm, my favorite kind of dessert.”

“Mine too,” I kissed her lips once more before we headed to the car.

The drive back was over in a blink, and I longed for our time not to be over.

We slowly made our way hand in hand to the porch. Claire sighed as we stop in front of the door. “This is me,” she pouted.

My lips made contact with hers. She pressed her lips harder against mine, deepening the kiss. My hands reached up to cradle her fast as her back connected with the wall. “Ow,” she mumbled against my lips. Her arms snaked around my neck as she pulled me closer, throwing a leg over my waist. Our lips moved in tandem as our bodies ached for more friction. Her fingers caressed the nape of my neck causing me to shiver.

A rush of warmth and completion swept through me as her tongue danced with mine. Our heads tipped until we found just the right angle and she whimpered as I sucked her tongue. It was as if the world was finally falling into place. All of the pieces to puzzle were there, and I was coming home.

The darkness was pushed out by the light. She melted into my body and I lifted her up as her legs wrapped around me. “Oh fuck,” she groaned as I rubbed against her. My hands cupped her ass and she bucked against me. The lights flickered, but I was too caught up in the way she felt against me, her body pliant and warm, all the skin available to me, to pay much attention to it until the door was thrown open.

“What the hell?!!!” Isla screeched. Claire hopped down and tried to fix her appearance. “I flashed the lights and here you are giving our neighbors a peep show.”

I avoided looking at Claire as my lips twitched. There was a fair mix of amusement and embarrassment inside of me.

Bree appeared behind her sister. She walked out onto the porch, wrapped her fingers around her mother’s wrist and dragged her inside. Claire was out of it and followed. Isla glared at me. “Good night dad, you can call her later. It’s time for her to go to bed. Say good night mom.”

Claire turned toward me with a secret smile. “I’ll look forward to your call. Good night Jamie, and thank you for tonight.”

Bree pulled her mom to the bench next to the stairs. “Let’s get your shoes off, mommy. Good night daddy, drive safe.”

It was my last glimpse of them before Isla shut the door in my face.

I was definitely going to call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? 
> 
> Also, I appreciate all of your ideas. I hope to incorporate as many as possible, but some of them don't align with my vision for the story so I apologize. A lot of them will find a way into the story.
> 
> What so far anyway has been the most uncomfortable situation you've ever been in?
> 
> Mine happened two years ago on a train to Chicago. I was with my sister ordering food when this drunk guy came up to me and tried to make a move. My sister literally let it happen instead of interfering even though she could tell I wanted to get away and she said she saw the whole thing coming from the moment he decided to stand next to me.


	38. The Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little late night fun for our favorite couple

Her grin widens when her phone screen lights up and she hits the call button without checking.

“Hello?” She answers breathlessly, her thighs clenching expectantly.

She hears him inhale sharply. “Do I have the wrong number?”

“I don’t know, do you?” His voice is husky and velvety, and she feels heat pool in her belly. “It depends on who you intended to call.”

“Weel ye’re not a male.”

“No, I am not.” She quips.

“I was trying to call my mate, but it seems I’ve managed to bungle that.”

“Oh,” She sighs disappointed.

“Ye sound like ye were waiting for a call yerself.”

She licks her lips. “I was waiting for my boyfriend, but it seems he had other important things to do.”

“Ye have a boyfriend?” He chokes out. She hums in agreement. “And he’s left ye all alone?”

“Oh yes, he promised to make my night, but I suppose I’ll have to figure it out on my own.” She teases.

“What was he supposed to do?”

She grows shy at the question. He is a stranger after all. “He told me he would elicit wee noises from me.” She holds back a moan when she thinks of his fingers dancing along her skin, trailing under dress, brushing her panties, and how badly she wanted them to slide through the barrier to feel her desire as his fingers explored her dripping folds.

“Wee noises?” He squeaks.

“Oh yes,” she replies. “We went on a date tonight, but I told him that we couldn’t do anything illicit afterwards.”

“Why not?” He asks inquisitively unable to rein in his curiosity for the woman on the other end.

“I had to get home. I have a very busy day tomorrow, so he said he would call when he got home. Maybe I’m not that important to him. I really wanted him to…”

“To what?” He demands. He loves the sound of her voice.

“To make me cum. I was going to send dirty pictures.”

“Fuck,” he groans as he feels his cock straining against his boxers. “He’s a fool then if he hasn’t called.”

“Yes, I agree.”

“Could ye send me a pic? I wouldn’t mind.”

She wants to, anything to relieve the aching throb between her legs and the tenor of his voice sends shivers down her spine. “You really want one?”

“Yes,” his voice is thick with want.

She takes her time with the first two buttons. She doesn’t want to show him everything. Just yet, anyway. She angles her body just right on the bed and snaps a picture of her torso and the lower half of her face. She sends it before she has a chance to second guess her actions.

“Fuck,” he rasps as he opens the text with her image. “Can ye unbutton a few more?”

“I don’t know,” she says, toying with another button on her top. “What do I get out of this arrangement?”

“I’ll make ye cum unlike yer boyfriend.”

“Deal,” she smiles. She pops two more with her finger dipped between her breasts and sends it to him.

“Yer so fucking sexy. Ye’re dating an idiot.”

“I concur, but he has left me wanting.”

“Wanting?”

“Oh yes, he kissed me outside of my door and left me… unsatisfied.”

His raspy breaths are all she hears, and it pleases her to know she isn’t the only one aroused. “How could he do that?”

“I don’t know, but now I’m soaking and throbbing.”

He growls and it’s raw and primal. He’s losing his control. “Touch yerself,” he orders her.

She obliges, running her hands down her body, over the soft curves of her hips, across the planes of her flat stomach before stopping at her shorts. Her breaths come out in short, little pants as her heart speeds up. “Tell me what to do,” she licks her lips. “I’ve never done this.”

“Are ye comfortable?”

“Yes,” she breathes.

“What are ye wearing?”

“A button up shirt and shorts.”

“Take them off.”

She does. “Okay, they’re off.”

“Now what are ye wearing?”

“Black lace panties.”

“Sexy,” he purrs, honest to god purrs as he thinks of her chest. “Can ye send me a picture?” His phone vibrates a few seconds later and he’s rewarded by the sight of her. Her ample breasts are perky with hard, pink nipples, and he wants nothing more than to part her creamy thighs and make her scream his name.

“What should I do next?”

“Slide those pretty little fingers down to your panties,” his rich baritone fills her ears.

Her fingers dip under the waistband of her panties where she’s wet and warm. It feels like silk against the pads of her fingers. “Tell me what it feels like? Are ye wet?”

“Drenched,” she replies.

“Rub yer clit in slow, gentle circles.” She does. Her moans pierce his ears and he hardens further. “Now increase your pace and pressure.”

“Ahh,” she groans. She rarely touches herself. “Feels so good.”

He swallows at the desire he hears in her voice. He wants her. “Alright baby, can ye put me on speaker?” He waits as she shuffles around. “Now rub your breasts.” She uses her other hand to tease and pinch her sensitive flesh, imagining it’s his hands. She can almost feel the callouses and the rough touch as he brings her to the edge. “Slide your finger down your slit.”

She gathers her wetness and spreads it around her clit as she rubs faster and faster. Her fingers continue to swirl around her wet folds. “Are ye still with me?”

“Yes,” she simpers. “Oh, I’m close, so close.” Her core tingles and she feels her muscles coiling as the ache between her legs worsens. She continues her motions wanting to climax and her body starts to tremble as she loses the first tendrils of control. Her toes curl, her back arches as she feels pleasure flood her. She bites her lip to hold in the scream threatening to break out.

Now that he’s coaxed her through the first orgasm, he’s ready to do more. “I wish I could smell ye, smell yer arousal,” she moans in response. “My lips would be all over your neck as I mark ye as mine. Everyone would know.”

“Everyone?”

“Yes, everyone.” His voice is dark and possessive, and it sends a thrill through her. “Can ye feel my touch on yer body? On your sensitive and tight nipples?”

“God yes,” she answers, unable to deny it or him and her own carnal desire.

His voice drips with sensuality and confidence and it is a serious turn on. “Do you want my mouth?”

“Fuck,” she moans huskily as she conjures the image of him suckling from her breasts. “Yes.”

“Perfect,” he smacks his lips together. “Ye taste so sweet, but I can taste the salt of yer sweat as I lick and tease. Yer breasts are soft and supple and fit perfectly in my hands like they were made for them. Move yer fingers like mouth as ye glide around yer nipples, but dinna touch it.”

“Sure,” she agrees, but he hears her frustration, can see her brow furrowed in concentration, her lips pouting, and her eyes squeezed shut in anticipation.

“Press a finger inside,” he demands in that sexy way of his.

She does it slowly, aware that she’s on the edge of release and wanting to make this last as long as possible. She feels her walls pulse around her finger.

“Is it tight?”

“Yes.”

“Add another and pump it in and out, pretend it’s me entering your body, thrusting, filling you. Go slow at first until you’re physically aching and your body is demanding you to speed up.” He takes ahold of himself, spreading his pre-cum over the head of his throbbing cock. He closes his eyes and sees her on her bed, writhing, her body glistening with sweat, her thighs slick and trembling. “Curl your fingers when you thrust.” Her body jolts and she thrusts a little harder, her hips shooting off the bed. “Yes baby,” he moans when he hears her mewling. She’s making those wee noises. “Keep doing that,” he speeds up, pumping his fist as he pictures her slick folds, and her tight heat enveloping him.

Her palm continues to rub against her clit as she pumps her fingers inside. She feels her walls begin to flutter. “So close,” she cries out.

“Me too. Ohh you’re so hot and feel so good, yer walls are squeezing me tightly.”

It’s enough to send her over the edge. She thrashes against her bed, her legs tangling in her sheets as she comes undone. She hears him on the other end as he finds his own release. Her eyes slept shut as a lazy grin teases her lips. “Fuck Claire, next time I am staying over. I did cause ye to make those wee noises, but I would rather hear them in person.”

“I have no objections. I love you, Jamie.” She really does. She wishes to have him next to her instead of across town, but it's way too soon for all of that. Slow and steady wins the race, and this is one race she doesn't want to rush. She wants this forever. 

“I love you too, sweetheart.” He does. He can hardly believe they're together again, that he's the one making her lose her control, who she loves. If he thought she would accept, he would be down on one knee, but they have to take things slow not only for their own sakes but their daughters. They can't afford to screw up. He won't risk losing her again. 

“Good night.” He smiles when he hears her sleepy voice. She's there in his mind. Her eyes are likely hooded and barely able to stay open and she has that satisfied expression on her face that she gets after sex. "Thanks for the pictures."

“Anytime," she means it. She hopes he continues to look at them and think of her and this night. She knows she won't ever forget it. "Sweet dreams, my love."

Oh she most definitely will be having those.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?


	39. Fine Line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may have noticed, I changed the title. I had been toying with the idea for a while now and decided to bite the bullet. I've mentioned before how I feel that the two stories aside from the same premise feel very different, and it's true. I mean Jamie and Claire have had way more sex in this version than they did in the original. 😂 This story no longer feels like Rivers and deserved its' own name. The title plays into the idea that Claire never meant to fall in love, but she did.

She blew a puff of warm air, tickling the hairs on my chest. She was thinking deeply about something. I didn’t need to see her face to know that; I could feel it. It was the way she was silent and unmoving, except for her fingers tracing shapes and writing messages on my chest. Her dark hair was splayed out beautifully, hiding her face from my view.

My eyes drifted lower to where the sheet rested at the curve of her ass. I swallowed back a groan as the stirrings of arousal peaked within me. We had gone several rounds last night, but I would never have my fill of her.

“Can I ask ye something?”

Her fingers halted their movements as she hesitated. One indisputable fact that would never change was Claire’s innate dislike of the unknown. “Okay.” She finally answered before the silence lingered too long between us and became awkward.

My hands were caught in her silky strands. My pads gently massaged her scalp until she relaxed and began to purr under my ministrations. “What made ye make the change from tea to coffee? Ye used to say ye hated coffee.” Claire went on long winded rants about her preference and how she wouldn’t abandon tea for coffee.

"That's your question?" She chuckled, the vibrations of her chest rocked into my body. She lifted her head up and maneuvered her arm to rest her chin on her forearm causing my hands to fall away. “You would recall that about me. You don’t miss a thing.” She bit her lip as her eyes unfocused. “It started after you left during my first year of residency. The nights were particularly long and the days were longer. Sleep was like that aunt that you only see round the holidays. Mel and I used to go to this coffee shop a few blocks away after we finished a shift, and it became a ritual of sorts throughout our residency. I needed a pick me up and coffee performed the job way better than tea.” A crease formed between her brows. “Why do you ask? I know you’ve made a few jokes about it since your arrival two months ago, but you could’ve asked at any time. I've got no secrets. Open book for your perusal.” I caught the double meaning of her words.

I lifted a shoulder to shrug. “I’ve been curious.”

She hummed as her lower half stretched, her toes digging into my calves. “What happened with that woman you were seeing?” What surprised me the most about her question wasn’t her audacity in posing it, but the lack of jealousy layered in her voice. She was merely curious about how I spent my time away from her. A decade ago, she would've been seething. It was good for us to witness all of the changes time bore us. We were different, but the same in the ways that mattered.

“Her name was Ally,” she nodded her head to tell me to move the story along. “I guess ye probably knew that. Isla had a lot to say.” I cleared my throat.

She nodded. "She was grounded and lost her phone for a while, and we had a long talk about appropriate language."

That explained some of Isla's whinging about her mother at the start of the year. 

“We got back together after that disastrous holiday party, but it wasn’t quite the same as what we had before she met our daughters. Our relationship had irrevocably changed.”

“Isla is a tenacious little pit bull. She didn’t care much for Peter in the beginning, but I suppose she had more exposure to him and time to warm up. He wasn’t the first man I dated, but definitely the first serious relationship I had after you.”

“I never introduced them to the other women I saw before Ally. They dinna go anywhere. Ally was… she was different. We had the potential, but I always held back.”

Her forehead crinkled as her brown eyes softened sympathetically. “Why?”

My knuckles grazed her cheekbones, and she leaned into my touch, her eyes drifting shut. “Because she wasn’t you. I loved her, but not the way she deserved. It wasn’t fair of me to keep her tethered when she wanted marriage and children. She wanted what I couldn't, or should I say refused to give her.”

“Don’t you want those things?” She whispered. There was worry, which shouldn’t have been there. 

“Only with you.”

Her eyes fluttered open, shining a beautiful golden brown. They glistened with her unshed tears. “Really?”

“Aye, ye silly, daft woman, only with ye can I let myself think of marriage and children. I wouldn't mind another bairn or two. We missed out on some essential parts with our daughters.”

"Another baby," her voice had a dreamy like quality to it. "That sounds nice."

"Maybe one will finally have yer hair color. I just want to see ye round with my child again, to hold yer hand as ye break mine while ye give birth, to share the joy with our lasses..." I trailed off.

She squirmed her way up my body and leaned forward to place a chaste kiss on my lips. Claire pulled back with a soft smile on her face that reached her eyes. “I want that too. Although not quite yet, but we can definitely practice making the children in the meantime.” She grinned saucily as her foot stroked my calf.

I was disappointed by her words, but I knew she wasn’t ready to marry just yet. And we weren’t ready just yet to add to our children, but the promise of it was there. I flipped her over with a growl. Her eyes darkened and dropped to my lips. “Tell me what ye want?”

“You, just you.”

I captured her mouth with mine, sucking her bottom lip then her top. She wriggled under me, trying to get the friction she desired. Her sounds of frustration were amusing. “Stop laughing at me,” she pouted. “I was going to blow you and Jesus Christ, I need a new mouth.”

“I like yer mouth. It says some verra filthy things and performs them too.”

The very same mouth fell open. I took the opportunity to kiss her and slip my tongue in. She moaned into my mouth as her tongue slid against mine. Her arms wrapped around me, roaming up and down my backside as she thrusts her hips impatiently. I ground my hips into her and feel her gasp as my cock rubs against her wet heat.

I pulled my lips away to plant wet kisses on her neck, sucking at her pulse point. “Oh,” she moaned as her hips flew off the mattress. “Stop teasing me.”

My veins coursed with heady desire and liquid fire. She stared up at me with her molten gold eyes with her own wild desire burning. There was something in her expression that was carnal, primal that spoke of something much deeper between us.

“Ye’re beautiful,” I told her. And she was with her hair wild and tangled about her head, her skin coated in perspiration and a faint blush, and her pink puckered lips swollen from my kisses.

I dipped my head to kiss her, tugging at her bottom lip, more than a nip, but not quite a bite. When she didn’t open, I bit down to ask directly for entrance. She willingly granted me permission with her mouth instantly parting. I didn’t waste a second before shoving my tongue inside to explore her cavernous depths. My tongue swiped over her cheeks, her teeth, the roof, even though I was familiar with it all. Eventually my tongue stopped its’ exploration to wrestle with hers for dominance as we each took and gave, but never relinquishing full control.

My fingers trickled lower below the sheets to her sex to find her soaked and waiting for me. An animalistic growl left my mouth as my fingers swirled around her bundle of nerves. My mouth hovered over her neck where her skin purpled from our earlier activities.

My tongue laved over those marks, soothing the skin before lavishing ribbons of kisses over her silky skin. I made my way back up as her head tilted back. My lips travelled over her jaw as her moans reached my ears. My calloused fingers brushed against her slit causing her to back to arch before slipping inside her. My other hand traced a path over her pert breast while my teeth grazed the nipple of the other.

Her pants filled my ears. My tongue danced around the rim of her darkening areola as she whimpered helplessly. I quickly thrusted my fingers upward and am rewarded with her keening moans as she she bestows upon me her appreciation and begs me to keep going.

I feasted on her breast where one day another child of ours would suckle for nourishment. I smiled into her skin at the thought. I nipped at the nipple, testing the waters before sinking my teeth into the sensitive flesh. She mewled salaciously, so I repeated the action a little harder before flattening my tongue to soothe the skin.

Her legs wrapped around my waist, encasing my own, and the way she bites her lip informed me, she needed more than what my fingers were providing. With a sigh and a little whine from her, I removed my fingers from her pussy. They glistened with her juices and I bring them to my lips. Her eyes tracked my every movement as I lick her arousal off of me. “Fuck, I need you in me now.”

My cock was at her entrance and with a single thrust, I was sheathed within her warm, tight walls. I pulled back and with a snap pumped right into her. Our lips met in sloppy, hot wet kisses as she meets me thrust for thrust.

I pounded deeper into her as she sunk into the mattress. She took it all with her ravenous, uninhibited cries of pleasure. Her walls clenched around me, but there wasn’t the telltale fluttering that told me she was close. She squeezed around me, almost painfully so, her walls constricting and contracting as I thrust into her. Her nails dug into the sinewy muscle of my back as I find a punishing rhythm.

I plunged in harder, filling her to the brim and her teeth sunk into my shoulder. An animalistic grunt escaped my lips as her tongue sweeps across my skin where I’ll sport marks in the morning light.

Though I hated the idea of withdrawing from inside of her, I sought a different position. I flipped her over onto her hands and knees. Her eyes were wide and surprised as she craned her neck to look at me. I grinned wickedly at her as I smacked her perfectly round ass.

Saliva pooled in my mouth as I stared at her fleshy cheeks. I grasped her around the shoulders, pulling her back, as my cock pressed against her cheeks. I swiftly entered her as she gripped the headboard. My hips snapped against her backside. Her breasts bounced with each lunge.

From my current position, my thrusts weren’t as deep, but I felt myself hitting a new spot in her. Her lips were parted and swollen as her grip tightened and her knuckles turned white from the effort to keep herself up.

I leaned back bringing her with me, her ass fitting against the curve of my stomach. I thrusted again harder, sending us both upward. Her eyes met mine and I dipped my headto press a kiss to her shoulder.

I shifted my arm down to grip her waist as the other cupped her breast. “Do it, touch yerself Claire,” I whispered roughly, my scruff brushing against her ear. She shivered as her fingers traveled to her clit.

Her circles were uneven and fast, but there was something erotic about it. My breath quickened as I rasped for her to go faster. Her fingers teased and pinched at her little nub, brushing occasionally against the base of my cock where I moved up and down inside of her.

Then I felt it. Her walls tightened as she threw her head back with her eyes closed. She toppled over the edge and she cried out in French, although I barely caught the slew of dirty words that left her mouth. I continued to push into her as she tried to curl in on herself. With my lips pressed to a spot behind her ear, my thrusts quickened as my thighs tightened around her. With a _fuck_ torn from my throat, I came, spilling my seed into her womb, filling her.

I trailed kisses across her shoulders as we came down from our euphoric highs. My skin was a raging inferno that burned from her touch. I slowly withdrew from her.

She turned to me with flushed cheeks, messy hair, and dark eyes. Her lips were puffy and red. She looked like sin incarnate.

I got up from the bed and headed to the bathroom where I cleaned myself and then brought a rag to clean Claire. She smiled lazily with her body stretched across the mattress. “Thanks,” she said hoarsely.

I hid my grin. I had rendered her to this. I returned back to the bed and climbed in. I pulled her into my arms, smoothing our her wild hair. “I love ye.”

Her lips curved up. “I love you too. There’s no one else for me either.”

**CPOV**

The soft morning light streamed into my bedroom and I groaned as a new day dawned. Jamie was wrapped around me, his morning erection digging into my ass. I would definitely do something about that, but first I had to relieve myself.

I pried myself loose from his embrace and took care of my morning needs. I brushed my teeth and tried to do something about the mop on my head. It was a tangled mess and I decided it could wait until after our morning activities.

Jamie and I still had a little time before our daughters would be back home and we would have to shift our focus to getting dinner on the table for Thanksgiving.

In my absence, Jamie had moved onto his back, which was exactly where I wanted him. I licked my lips at the sight of him with his muscled chest and the trail of hair that led to his cock. I crawled under the duvet and up his legs. My lips marked a path up his thigh until I reached Mecca. There he stood attentive and ready for action.

My hand enveloped his cock and I smirk when his hips give a little jerk in his sleep. I knew he was still asleep as his hands hadn’t moved to my hair and he hadn’t groaned my name. I traced a vein that wound around his shaft. My head dipped forward as I tentatively licked at his head. _No twitch._ I decided it was time for something bolder. My tongue ran up the side of his shaft before I took him all the way into my mouth and gave one large suck. My hand moved to the base where I pumped him. My other hand fondled his balls the way I knew he liked. His breathing deepened.

“Shit,” he gasped as he thrusts into my mouth. “Fuck Claire!”

I smiled around him, now that he was awake. My tongue swirled around the tip, sliding across his tip, tasting him. His legs stiffened as I continue. I relaxed my throat as I prepared to take him deeper, up and down, I repeated the motions, swirling and licking around his head when I reach the tip. His thighs trembled as I hummed around him and his hands tangled in my hair.

I sucked the tip harder as my hand tightens and pumps faster around him.

“Mom? Dad? AHHHHHH!!!” Isla screamed and the door shuts quickly behind her just as Jamie tenses and cums in my mouth. "NO! NO! Can't unsee!"

Isla’s loud cries of horror penetrated my senses as she stomped to her bedroom, throwing the door closed. I could still hear her muttering as I finished licking Jamie. I had to finish, or else I would think about what just occurred. 

“Oh my god, please tell me that didn’t happen?” I asked him as I lift the duvet over my head.

His face was grim and his eyes haunted. “Worse, Brianna was with her too. Isla threw her hand over her sister’s eyes the moment she realized what was happening and backed them out of the door."

I dropped my head to Jamie’s chest absolutely humiliated by the morning’s events. I should’ve checked the time, but I believed we had more than we apparently did. Our daughters had walked in on us. I didn't want to consider the implications of that, or how horrifying it was. There was some relief that we weren't in a more revealing position, however at the same time Isla clearly knew enough about relations between people to know about oral sex. I wasn't ready to talk about that with her and feared her answer about where she discovered what it was.

By the time we were dressed in full layers, a turtleneck sweater and long jeans for me, Isla was refusing to leave her bedroom until our other guests arrived unless we could figure out a way to wipe her memory or bleach her eyes. 

Bree sat at the kitchen table, her brow scrunched in confusion. “I don’t get it. Why did she react like that?”

I choked on the hot coffee that slithered painfully down my throat. I turned to Jamie, unwilling and unable to answer my youngest daughter, praying he knew how to solve our latest dilemma. It was bad enough that Isla knew about sex and apparently more than what was taught in sex education, but she knew what I was doing. I didn’t know how I would look her in the eye again.

Jamie’s eyes widened as pink spread across his face and his ears. At least, I wasn't the only one uncomfortable. “Um, weel uh it’s something ye’ll hopefully no’ learn about for a long, long time.” _Ugh_ , that's what I get for resting my hopes on him. Jamie was worse than me and still wasn't over when our daughters caught us snogging on the porch, well maybe more than snogging. There was some very nice groping and rubbing involved, and I needed to focus. 

Bree huffed at her father’s non-answer. “Why does everyone keep saying that? I’ll be ten tomorrow. I’m not a baby.” She pouted. I didn't want her to grow up. 

That was unbelievable too. My baby was turning ten in a day. That was an entire decade of experiences. I cleared my throat. “Look sweetheart, no one is discounting your age.” She raised a dubious brow, disbelieving the words coming out of my mouth. When did that start happening? “Honest! It’s just that this is one of those grown-up things that kids don’t need to know about.”

“So sex,” she replied dryly.

I ignored the strangled sounds from Jamie as I focused on Bree. It was good I had set aside my coffee. It appeared our darling girl knew more than we thought about adults. “Um yes,” I admitted, chewing on my lip. I didn't want to lie to her as those things built up over time. 

Her nose wrinkled as she looks between me and her father. “You guys do that? At your age? That’s gross.”

With that she stormed out of the kitchen leaving me a sputtering mess and her father practically asphyxiating in her wake. “When did we become old?”

Jamie was no help and I rolled my eyes at his inability to accept that which we couldn’t control. Sex was one of those topics that kids somehow discovered way too soon and spread way too much misinformation.

I wrapped my arms around his waist, kissing his jaw. “Oh come on, it’s not that bad. She would’ve found out eventually anyway.”

“That is no’ making me feel better.”

I chuckled as I drag my lips up his jaw and kiss his lips. “Mmm,” I moaned. “But keep your hands to yourself mister, there will be no more sexy times today. I think we’ve scarred Isla for life. She wouldn’t even open the door. She has the cat in there with her.”

Jamie sighed and relaxes in my arms. He buried his face in my hair and takes a shuddering breath. “I canna believe they’re no longer my wee lasses.” I patted his chest. “Bree told me last week she wanted a new winter coat, preferably not puffy, something like Isla’s.”

“Isla was like this at ten too. You happened to have the better end of the deal and missed out on her swift attitude change. She became an absolute nightmare with all of her whinging and mood swings. Shops she adored as a nine year old were suddenly too kiddish and she wanted a new wardrobe.”

“I hope ye told her no.”

“Of course, we replaced a few pieces here and there, but I wasn’t replacing her entire wardrobe. She was out of her damned mind.” I didn’t know what accounted for the change in her behavior that year whether it was the new school, her friends, or just growing up, Isla began transitioning into someone else. Sure, she was recognizable, but there were parts of her that faded. She boxed up all of her dolls and gave them to her sister, but kept her favorite stuffed animals around. The way she fixated on her appearance was worrisome and irksome as she spent a lot of time in front of the mirror. At least she hadn’t given up sports. She still played outside with her sister when Bree asked. “She told me all of her church clothes were babyish.”

“I got that same reasoning when she visited me that summer. I may have bought her some things.”

“I’m not terribly surprised and I wasn’t then when she came home with a stuffed suitcase of clothes I know I didn’t purchase.”

He grinned sheepishly, more than aware of how our daughter played him and he fell into her trap. “She looked at me with her big blue eyes.”

“And let me guess pouted her lip, and you couldn’t say no.” I shook my head. “Alright, we should get to it. The food won’t cook itself. And thanks again for helping with the pies last night. Normally Bree and Isla help, but they ditched me for my mother.” I pecked his cheek.

“Ye dinna have to thank me.”

“I know. I did that last night.” I smirked salaciously at him as I remembered all of the positions and things he did to me. “Luckily, I did the cranberry sauce last week, so that’s one less thing. And I took care of the bread for the stuffing two days ago. Also you were a godsend for seasoning the turkey for me last night while I started the clean up, now we just have to get it in the oven.”

Thirty minutes later, the turkey was in the oven, and I was starting the prep process for the gravy. “Do you think you can get Isla out of her room? She’s usually my helper in the kitchen, and it’s a tradition of ours. You can help too, but it just wouldn’t be the same without her. I feel like something is missi-“ He cut me off with a kiss.

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“Bless you.” I wasn’t dumb or brave enough to enter the lion’s den.

It took some persuading on his part, but he finally coerced her out of her bedroom. Her eyes refused to settle on me as she kept her gaze focused elsewhere. Her cheeks were a bright pink, and I couldn’t blame her for her reaction. We worked comfortably without needing to do much communicating. We had done this many times now. She prepped the salad, while Bree started on peeling the potatoes.

We worked in silence.

Some part of me knew it was too good to last.

I was right.

I should've trusted that instinct, especially when my daughters were involved. 

“Is that why you’ve been weird since your birthday weekend?” I Ioved my sweet Bree, but at the moment I cursed her mouth and lack of filter. She had broken the spell. 

Isla’s head snapped up and she narrowed her eyes. “What?” Her jaw was tightly clenched at the reminder of what she saw that morning.

Bree oblivious or perhaps ignoring his sister’s mood elaborated. “You know how you barely looked at mama and dad on our last day at the beach house, was it because they’re having sex?”

I froze and rolled my eyes skyward. Was this punishment for something I had done?

_Dear Lord, please I'll give up anything... well no that's lie. I can't give up sex, especially the most amazing, tantric sex of my life, coffee, bacon, my daughters or Jamie. But please, I'll give you_ _most anything if this conversation ends soon._

“Why would you say that? How do you even know what sex is? You’re like eight.” I wondered when that haughtiness would return. 

If she wanted to start an argument with her sister, she chose the best way to antagonize her. Brianna hated when Isla acted as if their two year age gap was larger than it was. “I’m ten!” Bree replied hotly, her face turning red with anger.

Isla scoffed at her, dismissing her sister. “Yeah tomorrow, which means you’re still a nine year old baby today. So automatically that implies you shouldn't know anything about sex since you're just a baby.”

"I am not!" She stood up immediately. "I know all about sex and how it makes a baby."

"Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ," I mumbled at the absurdity of the conversation happening in my kitchen. 

"Puh-lease, if that's all you know then I'm sticking by my assessment that you're just an elementary school baby." Isla knew how to get under sister's skin with nearly ten years of practice under her belt.

"I know what the parts are called. The Internet does exist."

"Oh?" Isla's brow ticked up. This wasn't good. "So then you know what mom and dad were doing?"

"Well... no." _Thank God_. There were still small blessings to be had. I was finding a whole new reason to be thankful.

Isla laughed at her sister. "Like I said a baby." She openly taunted her little sister, almost as if she was hoping Bree would try and retaliate to prove she wasn't a baby.

“Don’t you dare!” I warned when I saw Bree’s grip tighten around the potato, preparing to chuck it at her sister. “Both of you knock it off. This isn’t appropriate conversation. I don’t want to hear either of you mention the word sex again today. Do you understand me?” They glanced away. “I said do you understand me?”

“Yes ma’am,” they muttered.

Jamie was in our formal dining room setting the table. He offered and I wasn’t stupid. I hated setting the table. I usually gave the task to Isla or Bree once they were tall and capable to handle our good dishes.

By four, I sent them up to their rooms to change for dinner. Our guests were going to arrive soon. I rolled my head to get rid of the kinks in my neck when Jamie’s arms slid around my waist. He planted tiny kisses behind my ear as my neck was unavailable. “This is our first major holiday back together.”

I glanced up at him. “Sort of fitting since it was our first in America too. I love you and thanks for dealing with my neurotic self. This is one of my favorite holidays, but it also makes me ridiculously stressed.”

He brushed his lips against my forehead. “I thought that was everyday.”

I slapped his chest. “I’m not always neurotic.” He snorted. “Oh fine, come on, we better go get changed. I’ve already taken the turkey out to properly rest. The baked macaroni will be done in twenty minutes. And the green bean casserole needs about fifteen more minutes. Isla already took the foil cover off. The mashed potatoes are done and are on the stove, the stuffing is complete, Bree made the salad, and the sweet potato casserole is done as well.”

With my daughters older and their skills in the kitchen constantly improving, it made Thanksgiving easier. Without my mother around to help cook this year, I was originally stressed about how I was going to pull it off.

“I had no doubts ye would get it done.”

“Are you reading my mind?”

“Maybe,” he teased. “Or maybe ye talk out loud.”

"Before I forget," I started as we headed up the stairs. "You're on dish duty with Bree and Isla. I had to spend the entire afternoon with them and they mentioned our sex lives. I don't think I'll ever get over that." I nearly retched at the thought. "Bree apparently realized why Isla has been so dodgy around us recently and thought it was a good time to ask. So you can deal with them while I sit back and relax, watching _A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving_." I hurried to my bedroom, leaving a gobsmacked Jamie behind.

"Wait!" He exclaimed. "Ye canna do that. Och, I canna listen to them talk about THAT. Claire! Sassenach! You get back here."

When the doorbell rang twenty minutes later, Jamie was there with a huge smile welcoming Joe and his family like the amazing host and partner he was. It was shaping up to be my favorite Thanksgiving yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never personally walked in on my parents when they were married. My sister did. I did hear the bed creaking one time and that was traumatizing. 
> 
> Also not that it necessarily affects current events in the story, but I have gone back and edited some of Claire’s earlier characterisation.
> 
> What's your favorite holiday dish?  
> Since I'm American I'll go with Thanksgiving since that's the only holiday where I really eat a big meal. I love mashed potatoes. They are so good when cooked just right.


	40. Not an update

It’s the dreaded author’s note.   
  


Hello my lovely, wonderful, enthusiastic readers, 

Ideally this would be a new chapter, however as it stands I’ve been running my mind ragged to post regularly. I’m taking a bit of a break, not a hiatus, just some time off. I want to finish writing the story before I begin posting again. The way I’m currently going which is writing the chapter and posting the same day isn’t helpful as I’m writing off the cuff with only a vague idea about where I’m going and I mean that in the broadest sense of the word. Since I’ve decided to scrap the original ending for something a lot more cheerful and less depressing, it’s forced me to reconsider a lot of plot points. With that said, I should specify that I mean there won’t be any cancer shocks and related deaths. That’s too depressing for me. I want to exude positivity and that’s the exact opposite even if it reflects how real life can be at times.  
  


I do know some things from mentally planning ahead like Jamie and Claire won’t be getting engaged on New Years. It’s way too cliché and kitschy for my liking. I love romance but I think I was a little caught up in the holiday season and finishing the story at the time when I decided to do that. While not revealing any details, the proposal this time which I’ve had in mind since I restarted this venture is going to happen very differently in a very adorable and sort of comical way as has been the theme this time around. It’s my favourite idea I’ve had for this story so I’m really excited.   
  


Anyway after that deviation from the point of the authors note, I know this is a trying time for all of us, but just give me a little time and I promise to make your dreams for this couple and family come true. It’s going to be a fun ride. When I wrote the original last dozen or so chapters, nearly all of them were completed well before posting so there wasn’t too much stress involved. I’ve been oscillating between anxious and stressed recently and just need to catch my breath for a moment. I hate to disappoint and I really mean that, but I want to put out my best quality of work instead of subpar material.

I hope you all understand. I’ll be back soon enough. Stay safe and healthy!

Best wishes,

Jameelia

P.S. I finally made a cover for the story on the first chapter to give you guys a better idea of what I had in mind for the characters, particularly Isla and Bree. And then also like all of the explicit chapters have their own cover art. I would’ve made one for all of the chapters, but at this point, I’m far too lazy to do such a thing. 


	41. I'm the love that you've looked for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is my gift for you guys to tide you over until my return. I had this in mind before my author's note and it just needed to be written.  
> This chapter is also dedicated to Ratchet, more on that down below.

The flickering light danced playfully across her pale skin, giving her a pearly sheen as she stripped her remaining clothes. The shadows danced across the panes of her face as she threw her bra onto the pile. She flashed me a teasing smile as she lowered her lace panties, kicking them away when they were wrapped around her ankles. Her eyes glowed brighter as she neared me.

The air was filled with the scent of vanilla, reminding me of her, I was surrounded by her. Her steps were careful and deliberate as she sashayed her way to edge of the tub. She lowered herself to the edge as she dipped in a finger, swirling the foamy froth on top. She slowly lifted a delicate leg, the view tantalizing as she lowered it in the warm water, It was agony as she repeated the action with her other one. The smirk on her lips said she knew exactly what she was doing.

I had a face full of her and my mouth watered at the sight from the swells of her creamy breasts, to the taught muscles of her flat stomach where lines danced across her skin, to the soft curves of her hips. My eyes trailed down her toned thighs to her partially covered calves. She was all mine.

Claire moved closer and I grabbed her arm, yanking her to me. Water and bubbles splashed, covering the tile, but we didn’t care. She came willingly, her slick body settling in my lap.

She leaned back until she rested against my chest, a deep sigh leaving her lips. My arms wrapped around her naked torso as I lowered us further into the bubbly water. “That was something,” I whispered against her neck. I hadn’t recalled Thanksgiving being… well it was a lot of things. The evening started out great until it came time for everyone to give their thanks.

We should’ve suspected Isla wasn’t as over the morning’s events as she lead on when she pointedly looked at us as she told everyone around the table that she was thankful for doors that locked and people who actually used them. Claire’s glare wasn’t enough to deter the twelve year old as she dared her mother to comment. She wouldn’t as it would draw further attention to the situation.

Everyone around the table brushed the incident off with a good laugh, although a few suggestive glances were exchanged around the table. Bree kept her head buried until it was her turn, embarrassed by her sister and willing to leave ‘the incident’ as it was dubbed in the past where it belonged.

Then everyone tucked into dinner. Conversation flowed freely between the guests and it was wonderful. I hadn’t celebrated the holiday in ages and it held a different meaning for Claire after she became a citizen. When the children moved into the family room after dinner, the ribbing by our friends began. None of them had missed Isla’s subtlety or lack thereof. Of course, it started out seemingly innocent. Mel and Claire’s friend Sara questioned Julia about Claire’s childhood, curious about the girl she once was.

_“What was she like? I can’t ever get anything out of her.” Mel leaned into her arm as she eagerly awaited Julia’s response._

_A smile tugged at Sara’s lips as she nodded her head. “Claire’s stories leave a lot to be desired. The way she tells it, you would think she popped out of you a full blown adult.”_

_We were all rewarded with Julia’s tinkling laughter as she shook her head at her daughter. Her smile was wide and her dimples on full display. Her brown eyes, the same as her daughter, were bright and full of love and appreciation as she cupped her daughter’s face. Her thumb brushed under Claire’s eyes. “She likes to think that, but Claire was very much a tomboy.”_

_Mel’s guffaws filled the air as the very idea of the posh and perfectly styled Claire as anything but filled her mind. “I don’t believe it.”_

_“I have to agree with this one,” Joe bumped Melody’s shoulder. Claire glowered at the two of them. “She’s so Claire.” Sara and Gail snorted. Callie smacked her face as Mel’s laughter grew louder._

_“Well believe it, Claire hated dresses and brushing her hair until she was around Isla’s age. She was in ballet and that was the only time I could do her hair or get her to wear pink after she turned five. Almost of her friends were boys. She told me girls were too silly and they spent all of their time giggling about nonsense. She could be very serious.”_

_“Thanks mum,” Claire rolled her eyes._

_“You’re welcome, darling. She played primarily with her brother, getting into all sorts of mischief. When she spent time with her grandparents in the summer, Claire’s favorite activity was climbing trees.”_

_That set off another round of giggles. “That hasn’t changed much.” Mel cackled. “Claire loves a good tree.” The innuendo was clear._

_I choked on my sip of wine and glanced hastily at my red faced girlfriend after that statement. She chewed aggressively on her bottom lip as she did her best not to react to her friends._

_Julia hid her smile and her own embarrassment at the acknowledgement of her daughter’s love life. It was one thing to have a vague sense and another to know your daughter was having sex._

_“Okay!” Claire called out, her eyes too wide, and her smile the wrong side of happy. “I think that’s enough wine and enough chatter out of you Melody.” I considered intervening on her behalf, however I wanted to keep the heat off of me._

Claire mumbled something as my hands moved across her skin, massaging her back and shoulder. “I can’t believe I agreed to host Thanksgiving and invited all of those traitorous friends of mine over.”

I buried my face in her hair as she ranted about what our dinner conversation. The evening was interesting. Claire invited Joe and Mel with their spouses and Joe’s children, along with one of her other close friends Sara. Her mother and her boyfriend, and I invited my friend Gerry from my old job. We stayed in touch over the years and he was recently divorced. His kids were with his ex-wife for the holiday.

My thumbs grazed her sides just below the swells of her breasts. She turned her head into my neck, brushing her lips against the underside of my jaw. “I’m going to kill them all, Hippocratic Oath be damned. That was humiliating. How does the office incident come up in conversation? Then Isla walked in making hints about this morning and ugh.” Her hands slapped angrily against the water. “I swear I need to find new friends. And I can never look my mother in the eyes again. This is comparable to when Tom made a lot of thinly veiled innuendos after we had sex for the first time. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole. God, what an impression it must’ve made on Robert.”

“He thought it was funny. We talked a bit in the kitchen. He isna that bad.”

She bristled and I shushed her. “I ken it is difficult for ye to see yer mam with someone after all this time, but she’s happy. I haven’t seen her smile at anyone like that. Isla and Bree like him, and I think ye do too.”

“Yes, he’s not awful and I don’t _dislike_ him.”

There was a caveat implied in her innocent words. “But ye dinna trust him with yer mother’s heart, nor do ye want to let him in. Ye’re reminding me of a certain twelve year old down the hall.”

I had insulted her. She deflated as she lost some of her steam upon realizing there was a grain of truth in my words. I hadn’t said them for the hell of it. Isla and Claire were replicas. It was frightening to watch them together in their corresponding intensity. They volleyed back and forth, neither budging on their positions, like Julia said. They were stuck in their ways.

“Yes, yes I see the juxtaposition. When you stick us side by side, it becomes all too clear.” She was resigned. “It’s strange watching her with him, how happy he makes her. I don’t have many memories of her with my dad, but I guess after a while I assumed, she couldn’t move on. It turns out she’s dated a few men here and there without sharing. With Robert given that she’s moved in with him and introduced us, it’s…”

“Serious,” I finished when she didn’t continue. I was out of my depth with this one as I had never been in this position. My dad wasn’t anywhere near ready to move on from my mother and had other worries to focus on than his lack of a love life.

“It’s not like I want her to remain alone for the rest of her life, and it wasn’t realistic to think she would continue living with us forever. It just seems fast.”

“They’re no’ getting younger.” I reminded her in case she forgot. While her mother was far from old at fifty-four, she wasn’t a young woman with her whole life ahead of her either. This was her time to do what she wanted without worrying about her children. “She’s given ye over thirty years. I think ye can give her this.”

“Damn, I hate to say this, and I mean that with everything. You’re right.”

I grinned into her hair, soaking in the feeling of being right. It was rare and I relished in it. “Say it again.”

She elbowed me. “That’s the only time I’ll ever admit it.”

I laughed. That was my Claire. She never gave an inch. “I love ye.”

She tilted her head and our eyes met. “I love you too.” I saw her love for me reflected in her golden irises. “You’re the best thing that happened to me. Some days I think what did I do to capture your attention that day.”

I kissed her. I pulled back with a silly grin. “Ye were invested in whatever it was ye were reading. Ye dinna notice yer surroundings until they announced our train, then before I knew it ye disappeared in a flash. I had to go searching on the train to find ye. What was it that had yer interest?”

“Strange you’ve never asked before since you’re so curious. It was the fourth Harry Potter book,” she admitted sheepishly.

“Wait? Ye told me ye dinna like Harry Potter.”

“Well you said you weren’t much of a fan, which is blasphemy by the way. I kept it to myself and went to see the movies on my own or with friends. I lied about my whereabouts the night the last book was released. I wasn’t studying. I was in line to purchase a copy.”

My jaw fell open. “I dinna say anything such thing and ye were? I believed ye.”

“Um I’m fairly sure the words ‘I dinna really care much for Harry Potter’ left your lips. You went on several long winded rants about the popularity of the series and the films. And I wanted the book and refused to have it spoiled for me, so I eagerly waited outside of a bookstore for hours.”

“As a fan.” I corrected her.

“Bullshit. There’s no way that you are a fan. I refuse to believe it.” Her head moved from side to side, her lips curling into a disbelieving frown. “You said that people who liked it were nerds.”

“Aye, I was counting myself amongst them.”

She scoffed derisively, her eyebrows knitting together. “I refuse to believe that. What’s your house then?”

“Gryffindor.”

I didn’t miss the dismissive sound ripping from her throat. “Figures.”

“What house are you?” I had her pegged. She had qualities of all four house, but there was one that perfectly fit her.

“Wit beyond measure is a man’s greatest treasure.”

Color me not surprised by her reveal. Claire valued her brain and was quick to use her intelligence over her feelings. She believed in the use of cool logic over fleeting emotions. “I am no’ shocked by that. Ye’ve got that snooty air about ye.”

She gasped, her hand rising out of the water to smack me in the chest. There was a slight sting from the impact. “I do not.”

“Ye must certainly do.”

“Well you’ve got that whole jump into the fire nonsense pervasive amongst Gryffindors. You barely take a minute to pause before reacting.”

I laughed at her for turning the tables on me. “I canna believe I dinna ken all this time ye were into Harry Potter.”

“I bloody well wasn’t going to inform you after you called them geeks.”

I shook my head, my lips ghosting the shell of her ear. “This explains a lot about you,” I whispered. “Ye were a massive fan of _The X-Files_ , ye read comic books, and ye’re a huge _Star Wars_ fan. How did I never notice how geeky ye were?”

“I’ll show you geeky!” She growled as she turned her body, ratcheting my heart rate as she trapped my thighs between hers. Her eyes were dark as night as she leaned down to kiss me, deep and hard, her arms winding around my neck, her fingers tangling in my hair as she tugged experimentally.

Her body rubbed against mine, my cock sliding against her folds. A moan burst forth unexpectedly as my tongue explored her mouth. The soft strokes of her tongue fueled the fire as I pulled her closer. Her whimpers urged me on as my hands trailed up her body, resting underneath her breasts. She sucked harder on my tongue as I pinched one of her nipples.

Her body jerked closer as I teased the puckered flesh, testing different pressures as I did my best to work her into a frenzy. Her hand moved between us as she grasped by cock, giving a few short pumps as she wrenched her mouth away. “Watch,” she rasped. She raised her hips and slid down to my thighs, teasing my cock with her warm, wet folds.

Beads of perspiration formed on my skin as she repeated the action. I tried to grab her hips and she smacked my hand. “No,” she said firmly, eyes focused on the placement of her hands splayed on my chest. “No touching, just watching.” Then a quick and fluid motion, she lowered herself, engulfing my cock in her tight walls until she was seated on my lap.

She rocked slowly, enjoying the sensation of our joined body parts. Her swollen lips were parted and her cheeks were flushed as her eyes fluttered shut. Her breasts swished with her gentle movements as she moved over me. My hands slid down to her waist, anchoring her body to mine, but I didn’t move.

This was her time. This was all for her. She wanted a slow, languid pace, and I was going to give to her.

“I love you,” I professed as she leaned forward, her chest brushing against mine.

Her eyes opened and in them I saw the love she bore for me. They were bright and wet as she pressed her lips against mine, sealing the promise between us. Her lips trembled with pleasure and happiness as she beamed at me. She was radiant with her strands from her clipped back hair falling forward, framing her face, the blush that traveled down to the tops of her breasts, and the sensual way she rhythmically rocked her hips.

But then she bit her lip, methodically chewing on the abused skin as the speed of her hips increased. A grin spread across my lips as I gathered where she wanted to go. She was done with soft and gentle, and wanted me to utterly ravage her. “Tell me,” I demanded, my mouth sucking hungrily on her neck, licking and lapping at the skin available to me. “Tell me what you want,” I rasped huskily in her ear. Her body quivered over me.

“I-I want-“ she groaned as my cock pressed firmly into her. “Fuck Jamie, I want you to fuck me.” There were no better words in the English language.

She lifted her body up, sinking back down, my hips snapping to meet hers, and we moaned as our bodies reconnected. I quickened her movements as she cried out happily into my ear. The speed increased and I pulled her from my body, she mewled helplessly as I twisted my hips, the tip of my cock brushing against her before pulling her back down, pounding into her hungry and needy walls.

Her teeth grazed my ear, her hoarse breaths were music to my ears as she bounced on my lap. Water sloshed out of the tub and splashed us, but we were too far gone. Our bodies slapped together and I panted heavily as my hips pumped faster. I thrusted deeper into her as her teeth clamped down on my shoulder, surprising me, but the pain felt good. She was marking and claiming me the way I had her.

She came mere seconds before me in a haze of heady cries and cursing. I continued to thrust in her as she milked me, her walls clenching tightly around my cock.

We separated, my hands loosening from her waist as she lifted up with a soft whimper. “I love you,” she said as she kissed me. It was sweet and short, but I received the message.

It took us some time to clean up all of the water. “I’ll have to do laundry after shopping tomorrow, but it’ll be fine.”

“I can do it for ye.” I offered. Claire and the lasses were leaving early for a day of bonding. I was content to stay away from all of that, the very idea of rushing from store to store, chasing sales was unappealing. I would rather indulge myself with leftovers and snooze on the sofa.

Claire smiled. “Okay, that would be lovely. You are a god amongst men Jamie Fraser.”

As we climbed into bed on our respective sides, fully dressed after learning a lesson earlier that day, the thought that this was what I was most thankful for flittered thought my brain. I tucked myself behind Claire, the big spoon to her little one, as she settled herself in my arms. I buried my face in her loose hair, inhaling the fragrant scent of her vanilla musk. “Good night baby, ye’re what I’m most thankful for this year.”

“You too,” she replied, her arms tightening around mine. “You’re everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being so wonderful and understanding. Today has been a very strange day. Our outside cat passed away sometime between yesterday and this morning. She was a stray that we'd been feeding since we moved in a year and a half ago. She was old, but she had a lot of life in her. We gave her the worst name because she looked rough, Ratchet, but she was scrappy. It's going to be weird not seeing her on the porch every time we leave, or strutting down the driveway when we return home, begging for food. She was an affectionate cat and I hope wherever she is, she has her wet food with gravy.
> 
> Do you have any pets?  
> Technically, I really only have a cat who is almost two, named Mally Grace. I call her my Mally Cat. My sister has a dog, but I'm not much of a dog person except for a few dogs.


	42. All I Want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so turns out storyboarding is technically useful and then it really isn't when it comes to my *beep* muse. Part of this chapter was in the original outline, but then my brain went somewhere else. So that sort of shifts things as far as chapters. It's looks like there might be an extra chapter added because of my stupid mind. I liked it better when I was writing chapter 50 instead of 42 lol.

We meandered our way through the shops, each of us bogged down by several shopping bags. We shared grins and a few laughs over how we went overboard with all of the sales in our favorite stores. “So how are you enjoying your birthday?”

Brianna was ten years old. That was 120 months, 521 weeks, 3,652 days, over 87,648 hours and 5,258,880 minutes since we were blessed with her arrival in our lives. She was born on a Friday like this one, and our lives were better for it. It was difficult to recall what my life looked like before my children as they made everything enjoyable and brighter. Our timing wasn’t the greatest, not that our daughters were planned exactly. They were wonderful surprises and honestly I was relieved to discover myself pregnant with Bree. I wanted Isla to have a sibling without too much of a gap between them, and at the rate we were going, it was looking unlikely for that to happen.

I thought about when I told Jamie about my pregnancy. I waited until after the three tests and the confirmation from my doctor to tell him. I was worried from the start about something happening to our growing baby. Isla was born under less than desirable circumstances, and I feared something similar happening again.

I surprised him with a hidden, cheesy poem I wrote. It was sort of our thing.

* * *

_May 2008_

_I scribbled out the words a second time as I attempted to start over. I wanted to tell him in a fun and creative way, but the words weren’t coming to me. There were few ways I could surprise him in life, and informing him he was going to be a father for a second time was one of them._

_I’m done being cautious_

_And hiding that I’m nauseous_

_Remember that ride_

_When we no longer had to hide_

_Because I was stuffed_

_And you were cuffed_

_You really filled_

_And completely drilled_

_With your Moby Dick_

_Making me sick_

_With your baby_

_And promises of maybe_

_Enjoy your clue_

_I love you_

_It wasn’t my finest work and was on the cheesy side, but I tucked it into Jamie’s underwear drawer for him to notice when he showered after dinner. We were going to have a second child, another child to nurture and watch grow as we had with Isla. Isla was a big sister. Explaining that to her wouldn’t make much sense as she was only nineteen months. A baby was too abstract of a concept for her to understand and I didn’t want to constantly repeat myself when asked where the baby was. There wasn’t a visible bump for her to see yet._

_“Ma!” Her squeals came through the monitor. I winced at the high pitch and the excitement in her voice. She was no longer the grumpy toddler I put down for a nap an hour before, and it appeared she was ready to run amok in the apartment as she was prone to do._

_I went to her nursery where she stood proudly, clutching the bars of her crib. Her tiny teeth were on display as she beamed at me. “Oh look at you, did you have a good nap?”_

_She grinned and nodded her head, wavy wisps flying about her head. Her hair was closer to blonde, but there was a strawberry tint to it. It made me wonder what color the next one would have. Would they be blonde like their sister? Ginger? Brunette? There were endless possibilities about which side they would take after more._

_“Daddy’s going to be home soon.” Her dark blues lit up instantly at the mention of her father._

_“Da! Da!” She bounced jovially in my arms and kicked her chubby legs._

_Her constant chatters filled the baby monitor and woke us up at ungodly hours on the weekend. The interesting thing about Isla was that she was content to fill the silence and remain on her own. She played contently with her stuffed animals until one of us went in to change her and get her ready for the day. Most of her words made little sense to anyone but her, but she was progressing in her language development. She could string 2-3 word sentences together and regularly asked for help. When we read together at night, she sometimes pointed out the different animals, although in her head, most of them were dogs, cats, or cows._

_“Let’s go start dinner Ladybug,” I set her on her feet and she toddled right out of her room on steady feet. At 9 months, Isla had enough of crawling and went from walking to running circles around me and Jamie. She was full of endless energy and raucous laughter. I hoped the next one would balance her out, or I was never going to recover._

_I followed her and grinned when she plopped on her bottom in front of the television. She looked at me expectantly, pointing at the screen. I knew what she wanted, but we were working on using our words. “What is your want sweetheart?”_

_“‘Cess, ‘cess,” she said, repeating herself for good measure. ‘Cess was short for princess._

_Ten minutes later her attention was captured by The Little Mermaid. I kept a watchful eye on her as I started dinner. It wasn’t anything fancy as our previous attempts to cook had some unfortunate ends. Spaghetti I could make, and perhaps after this child I would expand upon my culinary skills._

_Isla’s singing reached my ears, and I had to laugh. She knew the melody of the songs, but she made up her own words to fill in what she couldn’t say. Her sweet baby voice was beautiful as she harmonized with the characters onscreen. I recorded her singing and sent it to Jamie to share it with him._

_If there was one thing our daughter enjoyed aside from Disney movies, it was music. She constantly sang and a few times we caught her humming her sleep. We joked around and entertained the idea of enrolling her in music lessons when she was older._

_“Kiss, kiss,” she clapped her hands as Eric and Ariel leaned forward on the boat and were knocked into the water. She was a sponge and soaked up everything. The next year was going to be an interesting time as her conversation skills further developed. There was also the matter of potty training. We waited until she was 18 months before introducing the idea. She was fairly resistant, but I was going to have to find a way to motivate her. I didn’t want two children in diapers. I was hesitant about it the way I was when I finally stopped breast feeding. It was another milestone that represented her maturation and her road to independence. “Kiss her, aw.” A frown replaced the smile she wore a second ago. “No happy.”_

_Already she was showing signs of wanting to do things on her own. She liked to help clean up her toys and wanted to turn the page in her books. She could feed herself, not without making a mess, but she knew how to use utensils. She just preferred her hands._

_We worked on recognizing her letters. She pointed out individual letters everywhere from her books to road signs. She knew the letters of her name, but pronounced it like ‘La’ and not Isla. The first syllable eluded her. I was proud of her achievements and annoyed at myself for forgetting how toddlers enjoyed making themselves heard._

_I kept the sauce warm and waited until Jamie texted to start boiling the noodles. By the time Jamie walked through our door, dinner was fully cooked and ready to be served. He dropped his messenger bag and hung his keys on the hook before scooping Isla into his arms. She squealed loudly and pressed sloppy, wet kisses all over his face._

_Jamie hung onto her every word and nodded along as if he understood what she was saying. Sometimes I swore he knew exactly what she said. Her gave her a noisy kiss on the cheek and carried her over to her highchair. “No, no, no,” she screeched when she realized what he was doing. She attempted to push herself out of his arms, but he tightened his grip on her and held her away from him when she started kicking._

_Isla hated her highchair. As soon as she learned the word no, she began to use it and threw a tantrum whenever we put her in it. “Yes,” Jamie replied. “Ye need to stop this. Ye’re going in this chair, and I dinna care if ye like it or no’.” Her bottom lip wobbled as she stared up at her father with betrayal in her eyes._

_He rolled his eyes and slid her into the chair where she pouted. “Bloody drama queen,” I mumbled. For all the ways she was an easygoing child, there were just as many where was she an actual demon. She could go from sweet to an absolute terror at the snap of a finger. I had doubts about how the next one would turn out and prayed silently that they were more docile._

_When I reflected back to that moment, I think it was then that God decided to mess with me by giving me a colicky baby and a boisterous toddler. If I thought my life was hard, it was nothing compared to what I went through a year later. Sometimes I wanted to go back to before it was complicated and messy when everything was simple, or simpler._

_“Takes one to know one,” he whispered into my neck, his arms wrapping around me. I sank back into his embrace with a deep sigh. “How was she?”_

_“She was cranky before her nap and threw a few toys, but after she sat and watched her movie without any complaints.” I neglected to mention she bit me, more of a nip than anything. I reprimanded her directly after it happened as the longer I waited, the unlikelier it was she would recall what she did wrong. She pleaded with me not to stay mad at her. Jamie was strict about her habit of biting us when she didn’t get her way about something. I didn’t need him to talk to her again when it was settled between us. “How was work?”_

_His sigh was one of frustration as he buried his face in my neck, pressing tiny kisses to my heated skin. “It was work. They’re adding someone new in a few weeks to the department to take some of the work load off of us.”_

_“That’s great Jamie.” I twisted around to give him a kiss. “I made dinner for us.”_

_We chatted idly as we ate our dinner, neither of us needed to constantly talk to fill in the silence. Isla was loud and messy as she stuffed her mouth with handfuls of chopped up spaghetti. Sauce coated her fingers and stained the area around her mouth. We removed her shirt prior to serving her as previous experience taught us to never trust Isla with her clothes and food that splattered._

_“I’ll clean up,” he offered with a tired smile. “Why don’t ye get her into a b-a-t-h and then b-e-d.” With the recognition of words in her vocabulary, some we were reduced to spelling to prevent her from throwing a tantrum. There were three actions Isla hated. She despised bath time. It was fine when she was a helpless baby. She would splash us with the constant fluttering of her legs and giggled adorably at our drenched appearances. Then around the time she gained the ability to walk, we had to chase her around the apartment to bathe her. She ran around naked, screeching no at the top of her lungs. It was a wonder our neighbors didn’t think we were torturing her. Bed time was worse than the bath. What I learned about my daughter in her year and some months of life was that she was stubborn, doubly so. Putting her down for naps or tucking her for the night was a nightmare as she refused to settle down and close her eyes to sleep. She found ways to divert attention. She would play with her toys or talk to herself, anything to stop the inevitable from coming. And last, she hated sitting in her highchair._

_“Are you sure?” I didn’t want him to feel obligated to clean because I cooked. Then again, the dishes were the easier task than what was awaiting me._

_He smiled at me as he stood up grabbing his plate, kissed my cheek, and collected my plate as well. “Oh I am most definitely sure,” he replied, his gaze lingering on our daughter who spread the sauce across her tray and drew pictures. “Ye can deal with the wee demon and I’ll wash up in here.”_

_“You’ve got the easier job.” I grumbled as I slid out of my chair and plucked Isla out of hers. I held her out at arms length and she squeezed her hands repeatedly, wanting to move closer to me. “No you don’t. Sorry my love, but I am not letting you ruin another shirt.” Her face fell unhappily and she worked herself up to a cry. I ignored her as we moved into the bathroom._

_I no longer fell for her watery manipulations. Isla discovered a month or two ago that crying was a good way to get what she wanted. I nipped it in the bud, however Jamie often caved to her demands when I wasn’t around._

_“No bah, no bah, me no go.” She protested wildly, trying to run out of the open door. I got to it before she did and closed it. She glared up at me with darkened eyes. “No like.”_

_“You are getting a bath. That is the end of the story.” I moved over to the tub and started running water while Isla wailed dramatically. When the water reached a desirable temperature, I put the stopper in and filled the tub. “Come here.”_

_She shook her head and stayed by the door. I gritted my teeth and reminded myself she was a toddler. It was preprogrammed in her. If this was her now, I dreaded when she was two. “Isla, come on, please don’t make this more difficult for mummy. Please come here, the faster we do this, then it’s over and done with.”_

_Isla pouted but complied nonetheless as she toddled over to me. I removed her diaper and lifted her into the tub. “Do you want your ducky?”_

_“Yeah,” she answered as she played with the bubbles. She was all smiles and giggles as I washed her body and her hair._

_“Maybe mummy will have to eat you next time if you continue to get food on you.”_

_“No,” she squealed in delight as she splashed the water. “No eat me.”_

_I rinsed her hair, making sure to prevent her shampoo from going into her eyes. It was tear free, but I was still careful. Then I gave her a few minutes of play time with her bath toys. She blinked slowly, her eyes unfocusing, and then she widely yawned. “Let’s get you out of the bath and into some warm jammies.” I wrapped her in her hooded ladybug towel. We dried her off and then I carried her into her bedroom._

_I buttoned her into her footed pajamas, and we moved over to the rocking chair. This was mummy and Isla time. I grabbed Goodnight Moon, one of her favorites at bedtime. It always did the trick. “Ready for your story?” She nodded, burrowing her head into my chest, her fist grasping at my shirt. I opened it up to the first page. “In the great green room, there was a telephone and a red balloon and a picture of… the cow jumping over the moon.”_

_“And goodnight to the old lady whispering “hush”. Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight noises everywhere.” I silently closed the book and gently rocked the chair. Isla remained asleep, her warm breaths puffing against my collarbone. She had succumbed to slumber after the first five pages, but I always finished in case she woke._

_I kissed her, brushing back her curls. “I love you so much and will love your sibling just as much.” It was a whispered promise._

_A dark figure loomed in the doorway, and I glanced up to find Jamie standing there with a strange gleam in his eye. “Is she out?”_

_Isla snored. “Definitely out like a light,” I confirmed. My hand gently patted her back, soaking up this time with her. There were months between now and when the new baby would arrive, but time like this would dwindle when there was another baby demanding my attention. I wanted Isla to have all the baby time she needed._

_“I’ll take her.” He walked forward and lifted her into his arms. She curled into him, but didn’t wake at the transfer. He murmured to her in Gaelic, kissed her head, and set her down in her crib. She sighed contently and snuggled in, safe and warm in the knowledge we were across the corridor from her._

_He held his hand out to me and helped me out of the chair. I was comfortable, but I did have some studying for an exam to do. As much as I wanted to stay, it wasn’t feasible._

_Jamie turned off the lights plunging the room into darkness except for the cloud night light plugged into the wall, emanating a bright, reassuring light. Isla wasn’t scared of the dark anyway._

_He led me out of the room and pulled me into our bedroom. His hands roamed the contours of my body, pulling me closer to him. “I found yer poem.”_

_I froze. It was hard to discern his thoughts on the matter as he maintained a blank facial expression. “I see.” I played with the collar of his shirt, shifting my eyes away from his. “And what do you think?” I was incredibly nervous for his reaction. A second child wasn’t included in our plan, not that there was specifically one in place, it was more implied than written. “I would understand if you’re upset, we haven’t talked in great depth about adding onto our family, and here I am knocked up again, so we must be failing at something. But you were really irresistible two months ago and then you kept making me… ahem,” I snapped my mouth shut. Normally it was from embarrassment, but the thought of what we did two months ago made me horny. Jamie was extremely gifted with his tongue and fingers and he kept giving. We broke our record and he broke me for two days. My legs were like jello when I finally crawled out of bed. My mother was in town visiting for Mother’s Day back home and offered to watch Isla for us._

_We barely left the bed. We did it slow, hurried, and every other position. It was a break from our regular routine, but definitely needed for us to reconnect with work, school, and our daughter._

_The sexy way he licked his lips told me he recalled that weekend perfectly. His eyes darkened and he surged forward to capture my lips, I moaned into his mouth as his tongue darted out and tangled with mine. His hands were caught in my hair as he pressed the length of his body against mine._

_I tugged on the end of his shirt and together we divested him of it. His chest was warm and smooth as I ran my hands over it. My lips trailed down his jaw, hovered over his neck, and teased his nipples. I shoved him onto the bed, bracketing his legs between mine._

_His arms circled my waist and I pulled back to stare at him. I traced the familiar contours of his from the sculpted cheek bones, to the slanted cat like eyes of his, the defined jaw with a day’s worth of stubble, and the way he just looked at me. It was everything. Jenny told me it was his lovesick expression that he had only around me. It was reserved solely for me. He reverently gazed at me, lowering his eyes to my abdomen where our newest member had yet to make themselves known. There was wonder, shock, joy, and best of all love. One of his palms covered my stomach and I placed one of my own on top, lacing our fingers together._

_“We made another bairn?”_

_I nodded with a teary smile. “We did.”_

_He kissed me. “I love you and I love our children. I canna believe ye’re making me a father again.”_

_I started crying. “You’re making me a mum too, don’t forget that. I get something out of this.” I cupped his face with my free hand, my thumb brushing through his stubble. “I love you so much. I didn’t know nearly eight years ago all the ways you would change my life and make it amazing, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.”_

_Our love making was slow and gentle that night as he rocked against me, his body flush against mine. Our eyes were on each other the entire time. With each thrust, I fell deeper. It was incredible how my feelings for him continued to increase. His brow dipped as he pushed himself and my walls fluttered around him. “Let go sweetheart, let go.” We came together and it was magical._

_He kissed my stomach, spoke sweet nothings to our baby in Gaelic, and I was content. I picked the best man possible to father my children, and we would do all of it together. Our next baby was already so loved._

* * *

Bree shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s weird. I want to say I’m nine. It doesn’t feel any different being ten.”

I ruffled her hair affectionately. That was the crux of aging. “You never really do. I know there are people who say differently, but the truth is you don’t really feel older.”

She scrunched up her face and stared at me pensively. There were other ways in which people matured that went beyond the physical. “What does make you older?”

“Sometimes it’s the way you think.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“Maybe not yet, but it will one day. You’ll realize how you think has evolved. It might be hard to differentiate when you’re ten.”

“Can we stop for lunch? My arms are killing me.” Isla moaned, interrupting our moment.

Bree and I shared a smile. “Sure honey.” We stopped at a cafe and enjoyed lunch together. It occurred to me some time had passed since I last spent time with the both of them like this.

“Welcome to double digits.” Isla grinned at her sister. “I can’t believe you’re finally ten.” The way Isla acted was hilarious. For most of last year she was ten herself. She behaved as if there were five years separating her and her sister instead of two.

“You already said happy birthday when you came into my room at midnight with a cupcake and a candle.” It was a family tradition.

“So I can’t say it again?”

“Not until I open my presents unless you want to give me a hint?” She smiled mischievously.

“Unlikely,” Isla scoffed. “I planned this for a long time. I’m not going to ruin it because you aren’t patient.”

Bree shrugged, unbothered by her sister’s reaction. She expected it, but couldn’t resist teasing her sister a little. “I thought I would try again. You know third times the charm and all that jazz.”

“You should’ve saved the breath.” Isla laughed.

“Oh whatever, can I see the birthday post you made for me?”

“How do you know I did? Who says I even like you?”

“You love me. I’m your best friend.”

Isla’s expression softened as she stared at her younger sister. It was what I wanted and imagined when I discovered I was pregnant. Isla deserved to have Bree in her life. They balanced out each other’s personalities and understood one another in a way no one else could match. It was a sibling thing.

“Oh fine,” Isla caved, unlocking her phone and opening up her Insta. “Here, and it wasn’t just me. Mom and dad posted too.”

“You tried to foist me onto Santa?” Bree glared at her sister. “I’m a good sister.”

  
Isla smiled at her and shrugged nonchalantly. “Of course.” She stated as if it were a perfectly normal thing to admit. “Mom read my letter before I sent it out. It didn’t stop me from whispering it in his ear when we went to the mall and it was only two times. You were so annoying and always tried to follow me. I figured Santa could help solve it if it was the only thing on my list.”

“In separate years,” I corrected her. “Isla loved you the second she saw you. However, you were a colicky baby and cried a lot. She didn’t like that. She kept asking when you would go back to where we got you, and it took time for it to sink in that you were staying.”

The twelve year old in question was pleased. “Seems I knew then what a pain you would be.” There was a noted lack of malice in her tone. “I love you Bee. We fight and we make up. It’s what sisters do. Well except for that one time where we didn’t talk for like a month and then mom made us apologize.”

"Interesting that mom and dad called you their little sunshine. Am I not sunny?"

Bree stared incredulously at her sister. "Who would ever mistakenly use that word to describe you? No offense or I guess offense should be taken, but you're like gloom and doom ninety percent of the time."

Isla made a face at her sister as Bree looked down at the screen. "Seriously though did you plan that or was it coincidence?"

"I hadn't seen your father's post when I made mine."

"Ahh so sharing a brain wave, totally simpatico."

"What?"

Bree glanced up. "It's like being in sync with someone. You and daddy think the same."

How did they learn these things? Every day it was something new, and I was becoming the student and they were my teachers. It was disconcerting. They weren't little girls anymore. They were young ladies and that was vastly different. We were trekking into unknown territory for all three of us. 

“Ugh mom, did you have to pick that one? I’ve got tons for you to choose, and you pick one from when I was like three.”

“You were adorable.”

“You’re my mom. I think it’s like a rule you have to say that.”

“I don’t recall seeing that anywhere.”

“Look at your adorable pink coat and your braids, aw, you were tiny. Your hair was everywhere.”

Brianna enjoyed having her hair styled and sat there while I did it. The problem was that it rarely stayed nice. Her wisps usually stuck out everywhere. It was aggravating.

“Isla, you’re barely older than me, and we’ve mostly been around the same height our whole lives.”

“Oh whatever,” Isla rolled her eyes. “Twelve is still a long way from ten.”

“You were ten last year.”

“Until October and that was forever ago.”

Bree snorted and I couldn’t hide my chortles. Isla was in a rush and I was doing my best to slow her down. “Anyway, are you two almost done?”

“Yeah.”

“Nearly.”

“Good, we’ve got to stop at the grocery story to pick up the ingredients for the pizzas.”

Bree’s smile was radiant. It was the first birthday with all of us there to celebrate with her. When she saw Jamie this morning with the cupcake in hand, all she did was stare at him as if he were the answer to anything. Her eyes sparkled with her joy and her grin was contagious as we watched her blow out the candle. She said she didn’t know what to wish for as everything she wanted happened.

I was speechless and when I looked over, Jamie was too. It was a special moment for all of us. This was the beginning.

“Alright let’s go mom, dad is probably wondering how we could still be shopping after six hours.”

“You’re probably right.”

“Thanks mommy.” Bree whispered after her sister got up to dispose of her trash.

“For what?”

“Just thanks. Now come on slow poke, we’ve gotta get the stuff for pizzas and pick up my cakes.” There was a cake for our family party and there was another one for the one with her friends the next day at the trampoline park.

With her birthday falling the day after Thanksgiving, it made sense for us to hold off until Saturday for a celebration with her friends. Everyone she invited was in town and accepted the invitation without any issues.

“I’m coming. Geez, you would think you’d be sympathetic to your mum in her old age.”

Her eyes crinkled at the corners as she openly laughed at me. “You aren’t even forty yet, nice try.”

I tried to grab her, but she darted out of my reach with a small giggle and caught up to her sister. The two of them shared a few laughs and glanced back at me as I collected my shopping bags and followed them to the car. I was looking forward to the rest of the celebrations for Bree’s birthday. Just as Isla had her special time a month ago, Bree was finally getting her own time to shine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you not on tumblr, I recently posted on Tumblr about storyboarding the remaining chapters. It was supposed to be 18 chapters and some one-shots including your ideas from a few chapters back. Hopefully this doesn't happen with every chapter because I really want to get to 50 or I guess 51 now. It's my favorite by far and I've already written a fair amount. We won't discuss that lol. You can check out the post here: https://jmoonrise.tumblr.com/post/615769429133983744/guys-i-finally-story-boarded-the-remaining.
> 
> Black Friday is no joke here in the U.S. People take their sales very seriously, not that anyone can blame them when you see stuff 50-70% off or those buy 2 get whatever free. It’s enticing but I usually sit until cyber Monday.
> 
> Question: Do you have siblings? I have an older brother and a younger sister.


	43. For Now For Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter turned out a lot longer than originally intended. I combined the other half of what I intended for 42 and 43 and that's how we got this monster. There's lots to unpack in this one. Enjoy!!!

Bree and Isla snorted at the image of their father snoozing on the couch, his snores filling the house. They whispered and laughed as we made our way to the kitchen to deposit the groceries. Bree opened the fridge to store the cupcakes and the cake. “Go put your belongings away, don’t just dump it on your bedroom floors,” I fixed them with a stern look, fully aware of what they were about to do in their haste to return downstairs to get started on making the dough for our pizzas. “I’ll go wake your dad.”

They puckered their lips and made kissing noises teasing me. I shooed them away with a fond smile. They were happy and secure, and that was what I wanted for them. I could do without their teasing as it was humiliating. Isla’s comments at the dinner table last night were less than subtle and our friends picked up on it immediately. Their winks and smirks were a different kind of mortifying, and my mother, bless her, she didn’t help at all. In fact, she inspired them to come up with some new material.

With a shake, I meandered out of the kitchen into the family room where Jamie lay sprawled across the sofa. One leg hung off while the other stretched over the arm. His arm dangled, his fingers brushing the carpet. His hair was in disarray and the sight was endearing. He was adorable.

I saddled over to him, crawling up his body, and settling on top of him. Sleepily, his arms came up to wrap around me, holding me close. “Ahh Sassenach, I missed ye.”

I smiled into his warm chest. “Really? I wouldn’t know. You seemed to rest perfectly well without me.”

His lips pressed against my head. “Ye were taking too long in the shops.”

“Blame your daughters.”

“I think they inherited that from ye. We both ken I hate shopping and would never spend countless hours buying clothes or whatever it is ye buy.” His hand lazily stroked my hair and his voice was warm with sleep. I sighed happily.

“Perhaps you may have a point,” I conceded. “It was fun. I know I can’t coerce you to come with us next year.” His chest rumbled with his thick laughter. “It wasn’t that bad.”

“I’ve seen some of those videos online, and those people are bloodthirsty vultures.”

Black Friday was an American institution and essentially kickstarted the holiday shopping season. I didn’t shop for any of my daughters’ gifts as I would wait for Cyber Monday. They were nosy and scoured the house in search of their presents, which I had sent to my office to prevent them from finding. They weren’t moved until the day I wrapped them and placed them tidily under the tree.

The real relief was that as of last Christmas neither of them believed in Santa Claus. Bree figured out some time before her ninth birthday and informed me there was no need for me to keep up the ruse any longer. It was disheartening to discover another piece of her childish innocence was chipped away. When Isla figured out the truth when she was around the same age, I was saddened. It was difficult to realize they were growing up and part of that entailed them losing the magic of childhood.

“It isn’t quite that bad depending on where you go. The lines are the worst part and sometimes you’ve got to wait outside the shops because of the store capacity.”

“I’ll give yer wee feet a rub tonight.”

I lifted my head. “Promise?” I whispered huskily.

His eyes darkened. “Of course,” he leaned up to kiss me sweetly.

I cupped his face and kissed harder. We kept it PG as we were aware of our daughters’ presence in the house and that they were due back any minute. “They’re excited.”

Jamie was wistful as he dropped his head onto the throw pillow. “I canna believe she’s ten.”

Neither could I. “Remember when I told ye?”

“I’ve got the poem back at my flat. I like to look at it sometimes. It seems absolutely surreal that our little ginger haired bairn has been around for a decade. She was so little and she smiled all the time. Isla always frowned at me when ye weren’t around.”

I giggled and rolled my eyes. He claimed Isla had a preference from the start over which parent she wanted, and supposedly she didn’t settle unless I was there. “She did not.” I playfully smack his chest.

“Ye dinna see it. She would frown at me, her little brows puckering, and her head swiveled around the room in search of ye. Then as soon as ye came back, she was all smiles again. She hated me.”

“She didn’t. You made her feel safe and happy. I promise. Bree was the one that was a monster with her colic and constant crying. It was months before I had a decent night’s sleep.”

We were tired and cranky for weeks on end with one of us walking around with Bree at night when she refused to go down. She would cry and cry, refusing the boob or a bottle, and we were going insane with our baby who hated us and refused to sleep. Jenny heard the frustration seep into our voices during one of our weekly calls and she flew over immediately tohelp relieve us of some of the stress. She was a godsend.

“Och ye’re right. She was miserable and wanted us miserable. Sometimes I forget about it because after she was a happy baby. She smiled all the time and her little eyes would sparkle when she was around us. Isla tried to sell her.”

“She didn’t enjoy having a baby sister. She actually wrote to Santa to take Bree away.”

His chest shook with his suppressed laughter, and I joined in with a grin of my own. It was one of my favorite stories from when Isla was younger. She was adamant about writing her own letter to Santa at four. She could read and write, which was one of the reasons we were able to enroll her in school a year early.

“She dinna.” He gasped, his eyes wide in surprise, not that it was too shocking for Isla at the time.

We weren’t on those kind of speaking terms back then and sharing cute anecdotes about daughters wasn’t something we did. Now, we shared stories from the years and it brought us closer together. “She did more than once. She was secretive about her list and that’s why I decided to read it, and we had a few talks. It didn’t fully sink in until she was around eight. They’re best friends, but they do fight.”

“I’ve seen it. They get quite ugly too. I had to send them to their rooms and it was an experience for me. Isla had thrown one of her toys at Bree and Bree retaliated by biting her sister.” I winced. Bree had a serious biting problem and a bit a kid in kindergarten when she witnessed them bullying her sister. We had a serious discussion about it and how human bites were dangerous.

“They didn’t talk for a month once about a year or two ago. Isla accused Bree of stealing from her and Bree was deeply offended. Then to top it off, Bree wouldn’t leave Isla and her friends alone. She trailed after her sister desperately seeking to fit in with her, and Isla blew up at her. It was a bloody awful time around here for ages until I forced them to make up because the silence was bothering me.”

“Isla threw a ball at Bree three summers ago. She was angry that she wouldn’t play by the rules and threw it right at Bree’s face.” I grimaced. “Bree had a bloody nose and kept crying, while Isla pouted and stomped her way back into the house. I had to clean up Bree before talking to Isla.”

“That’s a regular occurrence, not the throwing of objects, although that has happened a few times. Bree threw a hairbrush at Isla back in May and they’ve tossed books, house keys, remotes, and whatever they’ve found lying around. They do love each other, but they’re easily frustrated too. If I’m here or my mum was, we separate them immediately and listen to their versions of the story. They were forced to stay in their rooms until my mum and I conferred. Some of the details matched, but it was apparent how they altered their stories to favor themselves as the sympathetic victim.”

Isla and Bree were no strangers to trouble and the resulting punishment. From the moment Isla snatched a stuffed rabbit from her sister’s crib, I knew that the path wasn’t going to run smooth with them. “Usually they both received extra chores or were grounded for a week depending on the infraction, regardless of who started it first, they equally participated.”

“That’s clever.” His thumbs rubbed the apples of my cheeks. His blue eyed gaze was tender and affectionate. “I dinna have to punish them often, but there were times when I had to get angry.”

I guessed where this conversation was leading. “Yes, you know you should have a proper sit down talk with her about that.”

His eyes crinkled and his lips thinned. It wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have with Isla, however they both needed it. “I was angry and embarrassed that night. She used words that…” he squeezed his eyes shut. “She was eleven and I had never heard her speak to anyone like that. She wasn’t full of shame, nor did she regret her actions.”

“Talk to her about it, maybe before she goes to bed tonight. I did lecture her about her language and how out of line she was with her behavior, but Jamie,” I sighed, brushing back his hair. “It’s a conversation that would sound a lot better and perhaps more meaningful if it came from you. I wasn’t there and only heard everything secondhand. I know you hate having to take a firm stance with them, but Isla isn’t a two year old we can send to the corner anymore.”

Those were the days though. We sat Isla in her little chair for two minutes, increasing the time as she aged. Jamie implemented the same method when she visited over the summer. We were clear about how we should handle discipline. We had miscommunication in other aspects of our relationship, but how we dealt with punishing our children, we were in full agreement.

“Ye’re right,” he liked his lips, his eyes far away, caught up in a memory. “It was easier when we could park her wee arse in that chair. She would cry and beg for it to be over.”

Isla hated time out. She made it abundantly clear with her screaming and crying. “Ugh, the only thing I can say was, she was cute.” Isla had that going for her with her big blue eyes and her adorable freckles.

“We did make some adorable lasses.” I rested my head on his chest once more, my ear pressed over his heart. I listened to the gentle cadence of his heart beats, the reassuring _thump thump_ and felt the soothing rise and fall of his chest, the sound and motion lulling me to sleep. “Shh… rest mo chridhe, tha gaol agam ort.”

I began to stir some time later, my eyes fluttering open, noticing the fading autumn light filtering in. It was likely somewhere around five if I had to guess. Jamie held me loosely in his arms, his fingers playing in my hair, and the tv playing in the background. A blanket covered us. It was so domestic.

“What time is it?” I yawned, burrowing my head under his chin. I felt his lips brush against my forehead.

“It’s a little after five. Ye were exhausted from our activities last night coupled with yer early morning and all those hours ye spent shopping.” He chided.

“You were the one who kept me awake. If anything it is all your fault.” My fingers danced up his arm, teasing his flesh, and keeping the mood light.

He snorted at my turning it around on him. “Ye were no’ complaining when ye made yer wee noises. Ye ken what it does to me.” He bucked his hips upward, and I bit back a moan.

I pressed my lips to his neck, nipping at the flesh. My tongue laved over the spot where I pulled roughly and I continued to suck my way up his jaw and to his mouth where we met in a kiss. His tongue darted out and I opened to him, he swallowed my moans.

“Ugh gross, get a room.” We pulled away, our breaths harsh and ragged to find Isla leaning against the archway with her arms crossed and her face wrinkled with disgust. “Seriously don’t you think you’ve scarred me enough for one lifetime. First the beach house, then yesterday, and now this. Oh wait… let’s not forget that day in the backyard.” She made a face and shuddered. “Come on, Bree is in the kitchen waiting. This is her day.”

After she made her leave, Jamie and I shared a laugh over her dramatics. “She’s such a smartarse. She gets it from ye.”

“She doesn’t. I wasn’t like that.”

“I’ve talked to yer mother and by all accounts she’s the spitting image of ye.”

My mothered needed to learn how to keep secrets. She kept telling everyone everything there was to know about me. Hadn’t she ever heard of a little mystery?

I pushed myself into a sitting position, gave Jamie a quick peck before making my way into the kitchen. He was right behind me and pinched my butt when our daughters had their heads turned away. He winked salaciously at me. There was something absolutely filthy in the way his eyes sparkled that told me we weren’t going to be receiving a lot of sleep again that night.

“Bree and I made the dough already, it’s officially done resting which is why I went out there to get you. We even cleaned up the mess.”

I was impressed by their actions. “Alright, well then let’s get started on our toppings.” We all made our own pizzas as we had our preferred toppings.

Bree loved Hawaiian pizza and we all just let her be. None of us understood why, nor did we want to. Pineapple didn’t belong on pizza, but I spent far too long arguing the merits of that with her. I gave up two years ago.

Isla kept hers simple with handfuls of mozzarella and pepperoni. I added veggies to mine and Jamie had different types of meat on his with olives.

We played a few games, while the pizzas cooked. Isla and I were locked into an intense battle of Scrabble. “Mommy and Isla have played for hours,” Bree informed Jamie as I deliberated over my letters. “Mommy usually wins, but Isla hasn’t given up yet even with all of her losses.”

Isla scowled at her sister at the reminder of how many times I defeated her. She told me when we started playing together when she was six that she didn’t want me to go easy on her. She wanted me to play with her like we were equals, which was interesting. Isla and I had gone head to head too many times to count, and she had won only a handful of times.

I laid down my tiles, and Isla swore under her breath. J-E-Z-B-E-L boosted my score by 75 points. I sent her a look for the use of her language, which she ignored as she glanced down at her own tiles. I was up by 50, and she needed a good word if she was going to defeat me. She laid down her letters with a mischievous smirk and a dangerous glint in her eyes as she stared me down. I had to give her credit as she wisely used her letters. Q-U-I-X-O-T-I-C was how I felt about her chances of winning at the start of the game.

Jamie stared at the two of us in utter shock, lowering his eyes to the board, his face showed he was impressed. “Wow,” he mouthed.

“Ha!” Isla shouted with glee. “I beat you.” She pumped her arms in the air and then clasped her hands, shaking them in victory. I rolled my eyes, but failed to hide my smile.

I held out my hand for her to shake. She did with a winning grin. “You were a great opponent.”

“So were you mom, maybe you’ll get there next time.” She smirked at me.

The timer went off before I could retort, and she was saved. I narrowed my eyes at the smartarse and decided it wasn’t worth it. She could have the win. We took out the last two pizzas and waited for them to cool off. Bree and Isla cleared the table of the games, putting the tiles back into the little sack and tucking it into the box. They then carried the boxes back to the family room, storing them under the window seat.

When they returned, they tidied the table and set it. I carefully arranged the purple and pink balloons around Bree’s chair. Jamie set her gifts on one end of the table and then carried the sliced pizzas over to the table. Bree grinned at all of us. We said grace and then we tucked in to our meals.

We chatted and Bree mostly dominated the conversation as it was her birthday. “Remi wouldn’t tell me what she got me and keeps messaging me all these hints. I still can’t figure it out.”

“How do you know if she’s giving you real hints?” Isla laughed at her sister.

Bree gaped like a fish. “What? She wouldn’t give me fake hints.”

“Uh you do remember last Christmas when she totally had you convinced about what you were getting and then it turned out to be something else entirely.”

“Shoot!” Bree exclaimed. “Do you want to give me any hints?”

Isla cackled, her entire body shaking with the force of her laughter. She reminded me so much of Jamie in that moment, although by the look in his eyes, he was thinking the opposite. “I already told you pipsqueak, I’m not ruining it. Here’s your hint, you’ll like it.”

Bree sighed, her shoulders dramatically falling. We all rolled our eyes. “You can’t tell your poor sister on her tenth birthday what you got her? This day only comes along once in a young girl’s life.”

“Yeah which is why I’m not telling you.” Bree huffed at her sister. “You can wait the few minutes it’ll take for all of us to finish eating and then clearing up the table. You didn’t tell me what you got me for my birthday.”

“B-b-but that’s not fair.”

“Sure it is. You just don’t like it.”

It was another ten minutes before we were stuffed. We stored the leftovers. Isla wiped down the table, while Jamie prepared the cake. 

It was a chocolate cake with purple frosting, decorated with macarons, sprinkles, and pink and purple frosted flowers with a golden 10 on top. All ten candles were lit and the lighters were off as we began to sing to her. I captured the moment she closed her eyes and made a wish. She had the most infectious grin and she looked absolutely delighted.

We set the cake aside for presents. All of our extended family sent their gifts and we had to hide them as they arrived. There were a few close calls, but we managed.

Then Isla presented her gift she carefully picked for her sister. She was proud of it and it took her a while to find the perfect present for her sister. She was meticulous.

Bree pulled a jewelry box out of the gift bag with a curious expression. She glanced up at her sister who encouraged her to open it. Inside was a pendant with a single [wildflower](https://www.etsy.com/listing/728454931/wildflower-necklace-mother-daughter?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=sister+gifts&ref=sc_gallery-1-9&plkey=3b56491633d0f17d39d6de2e69ed960d6f34e05b%3A728454931&frs=1&bes=1). “It’s part of a set,” Isla explained, pulling her own necklace out of her shirt. Hers had two flowers on it, and I pulled out my own with a bouquet. “You, me, and mom all have one.” Isla bit her lip nervously as she awaited her sister’s reaction. She played with the pendant, her movements growing uneasier the longer sister remained quiet. “It’s okay if you don’t like it.”

Bree blinked rapidly and realized she had unintentionally hurt her sister’s feelings. “I love it.” She assured her. “It’s so pretty and we all have one.” She pulled up her hair and asked Isla to help fasten it around her neck. “You’re a great big sister, thank you for this.” Bree planted a sloppy, wet kiss on her sister’s cheek with a tingling giggle.

Isla wiped her cheek and shoved her sister. “You’re welcome.”

My gift was less sentimental, but something Bree less than subtly hinted she wanted. She was the proud owner of a polaroid camera. Isla had also gotten her some funky film, claiming that regular film was boring. “Thank you mommy, I can’t wait to use it.” I already foresaw having to purchase more film as a Christmas present.

“You’re welcome sweetheart.”

Jamie was the last one for a good reason. Just as I had passed on a family memento to Isla for her birthday, Jamie was doing the same for Bree. 

She unwrapped the jewelry box and stared at her dad before opening it to reveal a gold cross that once belonged to her paternal grandmother, Ellen Fraser. “This was my mother’s,” he explained. “Her mother gave it to her before her first communion, and it was her mother’s before that. It’s been passed down in the family for a few generations now. Yer mam and I discussed it and talked with yer sister, and we all thought ye would love it.”

Her eyes were wet and shiny as she stared up at her father in adoration. Her nose was a little red and her gaze continued to flicker between the cross and her father. “Thank you,” she was choked up. She slid out of her chair and into her father’s arms. “This has been the best birthday of my entire life and that’s counting the princess tea party I had for my eighth birthday.”

I let out a watery chuckle. Excluding the day she was born, this was one of my favorite November 23rds. We were all together as a family.

We enjoyed a slice of cake and spent the night watching Bree’s favorite movies. Jamie was indoctrinated to the Disney princess club. He somehow managed to finagle his way out of watching them over the years, but he had run out of excuses. I cuddled up close to him as we settled in for _Moana._ We started with _Frozen_ and worked our way through, near midnight I glanced over to find Isla and Bree stretched across the sofa, limbs tangled and dangling. I nudged Jamie and he smiled softly. They were ours completely.

Jamie lifted Bree into his arms as I turned off the tv and woke Isla enough to assist her up the stairs. We took it slowly and I helped her change into her pajamas. “Night ladybug,” I kissed her head.

“Night mommy,” she mumbled sleepily, turning over. I smiled at the sight. I closed her door with a soft click and met Jamie in the hall.

“Isla is asleep. She barely woke.”

“Bree is sleeping too.”

His lips were instantly on mine and he lifted me into his arms, my legs wrapping around his waist as he carried me to my room. He deposited me on the bed reverently, his eyes running down the length of my body. He moved onto the bed and hovered over me. His arms bracketed me head and we just stared at each other.

There was about an inch between our bodies. The air crackled around us, but we ignored it. In those dark eyes of his, I saw the answers to the questions I spent years asking myself. I reached up and tugged him down and cut his surprised gasp off with my lips. We met in a frenzy as his hands reach down to pull on my shirt. Together we got it off and he cupped my breasts in his large hands. The rough texture of his calloused hands drove me insane as he moved them over my sensitive flesh.

He slowly caressed, his thumbs nearing the swells of my breasts, but he continued with his ministrations. It was agony. I attempted to urge him to speed his actions by scratching his scalp with my fingernail. He groaned, but didn’t budge or quicken his movements. It was aggravating when all I wanted was to feel him inside me, feel his hands squeezing and pinching, and his mouth devouring my skin, marking it for the world to see.

He rubbed his nose against mine, brown and blue meeting, and I felt him grin, enjoying my frustration. He murmured lowly in Gaelic as he brushed his nose across my skin, down my neck where he pressed gentle, soft kisses. I barely felt his lips as he moved downwards. When he reached my chest, he slid his hand under me to unfasten my bra and then pulled down the straps. His hands travelled sensually down my arms and I blushed at the feel of him.

His scent invaded all of my senses. It was sandalwood, something woodsy, pizza, and something that was entirely him. I wrapped my arms around him, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. He shivered, pressing his body further into mine. There were too many layers between us for me to properly feel it, but I had an amazing imagination and had the privilege of experiencing the real thing so many times.

Sex with Jamie wasn’t just sex. We made love. We connected on a deeper, spiritual level where the world faded around us and it was just me and him. There was no one else. Our bodies melded together and it was as if we were one soul, one entity. It was an experience, and something that only happened with him.

Jamie’s lips trailed over my breasts and then he sucked a nipple, teasing the bud with his tongue, gently biting while his other pinched and flicked the other. My hips rocked against his, searching for more friction. My hands gripped the hem of his shirt, tugging, hoping he would grasp my hint. He grinned sheepishly and pulled it over his head, revealing his well-defined muscles. His abs flexed and I licked my lips. My fingers raked over his naked flesh, enjoying the feel of his hard muscles. My mouth watered at the sight of him, the bulging biceps, the six pack, and even his thick fingers. It was unfair how good looking he was.

He lowered my torso back to the mattress, continuing where he left off. He suckled at my breasts and I moaned loudly at the feeling of his tongue pressed flat against my nipple. His cheeks hollowed before he released the bud with a soft pop. The color had darkened to a deep shade of red and he moved his attention to the other one. His tongue circled around it, teasing and prodding before capturing it fully in his mouth.

I panted loudly, my hands pushing his head further into my chest. I rolled my hips, but he was far down for me to grind against him. His hand palmed my other one, rolling it between the pads of his fingers, and those wee noises he claimed I made escaped my throat. “Fuck,” I whimpered as I felt the pressure building. I squeezed him between my thighs as my fingers pinched tightly against his scalp.

He lifted his head and I cried out in disappointment. Before I could protest, he licked two fingers, his pink tongue inspiring a lot of dirty thoughts, and he trailed them down my abdomen before reaching my waistband. With a sexy grin he slid them underneath, past the barrier of my underwear, and my hips shot up when he reached my clit. My abdomen tensed as he began to swirl his fingers in circles against my hard, swollen clit. He moved his mouth to the underside of my breast and planted tiny kisses.

My legs shifted as his fingers slipped inside my wet walls and his thumb was left to circle my clit. His eyes sparkled when he realized how wet I was, and it spurred him to go faster. My hips rocked against him as he pumped faster, and I whimpered painfully, my body seeking release which he was denying with that smug smile of his. “Jamie,” I breathed. “Please.” I wasn’t above begging in this instance.

I was close, so close. His fingers curled, reaching that spot, and I saw stars. My hips shifted as a long moan spilled from my lips and I clamped down on his fingers, my walls clenching as he continued to press inside of me. My nails dug into his biceps as my walls began to flutter when he rubbed hard at my little nub in combination with his mouth suckling at my breast.

I squeezed my eyes shut and threw back my head as my hips rocketed up to meet his thrust, coating his hand with my wetness. I rode out my orgasm, my chest heaving as I came back down. He was pleased, absolutely proud of himself for what he did to me. I was a speechless, gasping mess.

My fingers travelled down his back, stroking his spine as I tried to catch my breath. He was raring to go but I had yet to come down. He laved my neck, his stubble scraping against my skin, as my breathing slowed, sucking at the tender flesh, leaving his mark, despite my lectures about all of the concealer I was using to cover them up. He liked watching as my skin bruised, then again I had left my own mark on him a fair few times.

When I was breathing normally again, we quickly divested ourselves of our remaining clothes. He was ready, his cock at my entrance, waiting on my signal. I nodded and he began to pressed inside of me, sliding into me with a loud groan. He filled me to the hilt and I bit my lip, my eyes slipping shut.

He dropped a kiss on my cheek as he settled on his forearms. “Are ye ready?”

“More than ready.” I told him. “I love you forever Jamie.”

“I love ye too, more than I could ever express with my words.”

Despite the tenseness of the moment with him fully sheathed in me, I laughed, it was light and airy, and he smiled. “You don’t know how much that means to me.” I traced the veins under his eyes. “For so long you were far away and I thought we had exhausted all of our opportunities to be together. The universe was sending us a message, but then one horrible day, I walked into a hospital room and the problems we had weren’t the same ones. I saw your tired face and my heart clenched with the knowledge that I had never stopped loving you. I can’t. You’re embedded into my skin. You’re a part of me and I can’t get rid of you even if I wanted to.”

He captured my lips, pushing his tongue past the seal, and tangling his with mine. He slid out of me before pushing in slowly. He was teasing me again. My hands pressed down on his ass, urging him to move faster and deeper. My breasts rubbed against his chest and the feel of his skin as he slid against me was amazing. I pulled my mouth away, my breathing ragged as I pressed my head into his shoulders. My thighs opened wider and he picked up his pace as he slammed into me.

My breath hitched and I mewled as he hit a particular spot inside of me. My fingers curled around his arms, digging into the muscle of his biceps. He was in tune with my body as he was with his own, he knew it with six years between us, and he knew how to play it, to get me to make music.

His lips searched for my own and we met in a sloppy kiss. Our movements erratic as our bodies tried to reach the ultimate goal. His hand travelled down the length of my body, grasping my thigh in his tight grip, pushing it up and holding it there. He thrusted deeper and harder, knowing how to get my body to do his bidding. It complied. I was putty in his hands.

The way he opened me, allowed for a different type of stimulation as he bumped my clit when he pushed back in. I keened wildly as he pumped into me, my fingers tightening around him as I pressed my face into his shoulder to muffle my cries of pleasure. A fire grew in my core as he continued to piston into me, the bed squeaking under us as we rocked together.

“Oh God… Oh God… Jamie,” I moaned as he picked up his pace again. I felt the telltale flutter of my walls and it spurred him on as he pushed in deeper and harder, grinding against my clitoris and circling his hips. With three more thrusts, I was sent flying into euphoria as I clenched around him, wailing loudly as I finally found my release.

His hips lost their rhythm as he thrust, searching for his own pleasure now that I had mine. With a deep grunt, he pushed deep inside, spilling into me and holding still. His lips found mine and we shared a lazy kiss.

 _Holy shit_ , I thought. That was intense. It was gratifying and he had rocked my world. I couldn't feel my legs and didn’t want to think about getting up any time soon. I flexed my leg and he let it go with a start as if forgetting it was there. He sagged against me, the length of his body deliciously fitting against mine. I couldn’t think about sex though. He had rendered me boneless. I was incapable of doing anything except laying there.

I swirled my fingers over the contours of his back, tracing hearts and _I love you_ over and over. He whispered sweet nothings into my ear and we just laid there. My lips grazed his temple. I had never felt this complete in my life. I was happy.

“I love you,” he murmured sleepily. “I loved ye before I knew what it fully meant and I’ll love ye for the rest of my days.” He rolled off of me, and I curled into his side. We drifted off to sleep, holding one another tightly, with no intention of ever letting go.

* * *

**JPOV**

The early dawn light filtered through the sheer curtains, brightening the room, making it almost glow. I was awake and just watched her sleeping. Her bright pink lips were puckered in sleep and there was a slight crease between her brows. I smoothed out the lines with the pads of my fingers, and felt a warm puff of breath spill from her lips.

She was exquisite. Her hair was splayed across the pillow in a mass of tangled waves and curls. There was a beautiful flush to her creamy, pale skin. Parts of her neck were visible to me, and I tried not to smile at the sight of her marred neck but I was possessive. I wanted everyone to know she was mine and I was hers. She mumbled in her sleep, her eyelids fluttering, but she just turned over, pressing her arse to my groin. I groaned at the sensation, still craving the feel of her, her tight, wet walls gripping me painfully as I pounded into her.

“Jamie,” she moaned in her sleep.

Was she dreaming about me? Another moan slipped out and I scooted closer, my hand travelling the expanse of her body, moving downward and finding her soaked. “Fuck,” I swore.

“Please baby,” and I was no longer too sure about her unconscious state. She moved her hand over mine and pressed my fingers into her willing flesh. I swirled them, spreading the juices around. She mewled, pushing her hips back. “More.” She demanded with a tiny growl.

I slipped one finger inside to test her before adding another. My fingers pumped into her furiously as my thumb circled her clit. My own hips ground into her pert ass, seeking friction for my racing erection. When her walls began to squeeze my fingers, I pulled them out. She whined miserably before I replaced them with my cock. I slid into her with a mutual moan. “Ahhh,” we said together when we were finally joined. I rocked into her, enjoying the soothing sensation. We weren’t in a hurry and there was nowhere for us to be except wrapped in one another’s arms. I pressed my lips into her neck as I quickened my movements. She met me thrust for thrust, and I circled my fingers around her clit.

She cupped her breasts, rolling her nipples between her fingers, while my grip tightened on her hip. My hips slapped against her ass when I pushed back in. She made a loud keening sound as she clenched around, her walls fluttering erratically as she found her release. I pulled out, turned her over, and held her by the waist as I pushed in deep from behind. “Oh fuck,” she groaned, still feeling the after effects of her climax.

I slammed into her over and over again, my fingers digging into the fleshy part of her hips as I thrust into her, reaching new depths. Her velvet walls wrapped around me, clung to my cock as I stretched her to her limits.

She craned her neck, and I captured her tiny pants with my mouth. She ground her hips into my pelvis, and I growled, thrusting harder. I was close. I squeezed my eyes shut, stilling myself for a moment, to halt my body from pounding into her. When I was controlled enough, I continued my rhythm until she hissed, releasing a strangled moan as she came. I jerked into her a few times, losing myself in her as she milked me for everything. My ears buzzed and I lost all sense of time, and there was nothing but me and her. I collapsed on top of her and pulled out of her with a squelching noise and a groan.

I kissed the side of her neck. “I love ye.”

“‘ov ‘oo too.” I smiled into her hair as she succumbed to sleep once more. I rolled off of her onto my side.

A year ago, this was so far out of my fantasies that I didn’t dare to consider it. I thought all possibilities of a future with her were gone the day I allowed her to walk out of that hotel room. I forced myself to move on and find my own happiness to prevent my mind from going insane and to get my sister off my back.

Then like a miracle, she strutted back into my life, and turned it upside down in the best way possible. I realized what was missing all of these years and I wasn’t going to allow her to get away from me again. I was willing to play by her rules and then in that funny way, our circumstances changed again. She wasn’t engaged, I wasn’t in a relationship, we were two single people who had no reason to feel guilty over what transpired in the past. We put it behind us to embrace our future.

Sundays were my favorite and least favorite day of the week. I loved them as there were no expectations. Claire did have to leave for work in an hour, but Sunday mornings were reserved for us. We made slow love and enjoyed each other’s bodies without feeling as if the world were pressing in on us. We could just exist. The last few days were a dream, a beautiful, unexpected dream that I didn’t know was possible.

My youngest daughter was ten years old. As the years passed, I began to see the heavy resemblance between her and my mother. Most people would assume she resembled me, but it was in fact my mother she favored. There was some of Claire thrown in from the shape of her mouth and her smile and her ears, but the rest of it was all Fraser. I gifted her my mother’s cross after discussing it with Isla as I didn’t want her to feel slighted as the eldest. She understood perfectly and agreed, especially as her sister looked just like their grandmother. She agreed it seemed right as she did receive something special from her mother’s side of the family.

They were growing and maturing every day and I was there to witness it all. I was no longer on the sidelines, I was a player in the game with as much stake as anyone else.

I kissed Claire goodbye an hour later, savoring the taste of her on my lips. My eyes lingered on her arse as she went out to her car, and I felt a flush crawl across my face when she caught me. She laughed and waved goodbye.

On Sundays, the lasses spent the night at my apartment. Isla grumbled when Bree claimed the front seat and she was forced to sit in the back. “And I dinna forget ye still have to finish that project for yer science class and Bree, ye’ve got that book report.” Their faces fell in tandem at the reminder of their schoolwork and the return of school the following day.

The holiday was an idyllic break from our everyday lives, and we spent all four days together. It was special and memorable.

Bree’s birthday party yesterday was another first for me. I hadn’t made it to many of their birthdays, only a few, and never for their parties. All of Bree’s friends swarmed her when we entered the trampoline park. I had no idea where she got all of that energy or that was capable of so many tricks. Isla loosened up and decided to give in to the fun after spending the first hour on her phone. Claire plucked it out of her hands and I pushed her over towards her sister. By the end, Isla had as much fun as Bree.

Claire and I chatted with the other parents, and I had the opportunity to meet some of Bree’s friends’ parents. Some of them I had encountered from sleepovers and school pick ups, but there were a few that I had missed.

All in all, it was a successful party. Bree blew out more candles after another round of Happy Birthday. She beamed at everyone and later smashed a cupcake into her sister’s face. Isla retaliated later by smashing one into Bree’s hair and face. Neither of them were malicious about it and laughed the whole way home. Claire and I directed them upstairs to their bathrooms when we returned.

We spent the remainder of the day watching movies as a family like we had the previous night. Instead of Claire cuddled into me, Isla lay with her head in my lap. I stroked her hair absentmindedly as we watched _The Parent Trap_. Isla and Bree shared a mysterious grin at the start of the movie and giggled in the way girls do. I would never understand that side of them. Claire shook her head at them. Bree was nestled in her, her head resting contently on her mother’s chest.

Our holiday spell was officially broken with the return to real life on Monday. I had both girls up at six. Isla pulled the blanket back over her head and shooed me away. I thought when Claire told me about some of their habits, she was merely exaggerating and blowing it out of proportion. It turned out that she was in fact correct about their blatant dislike of mornings and following their routines. I sighed and snatched the blanket away from her. She curled in on herself, her arms wrapping around her knees in the fetal position.

 _Is she serious?_ I was aware of Isla’s status as a drama queen and her tendency to take everything seriously, but we had a schedule. “Isla, wake up.” I ordered.

“No,” she grumped, tucking her head under pillow. “Not going to school. Can’t make me.”

“Yes, you are going to school. There is no getting around that. I want to see you at the table in the next twenty minutes, and you better be there. You don’t want to know what’ll happen if you aren’t.” I warned her. My confidence had grown in these last three months with the realization they would walk all over me if I allowed it and that I couldn’t maintain the status quo any longer. The summer was over and I had to step up as their father.

I went to Bree’s room where she was sat up, stretching her arms above her head. She rubbed at her eyes and grinned sleepily when she spotted me. “Mornin’ daddy,” she greeted, her voice was thick with sleep. She pushed off her bed and padded over to me. She gave me a hug and then headed to the bathroom.

I decided to start on breakfast. I made them omelettes. They were quick to eat and fast to make, and weren’t full of sugar like their favorite cereals. I wanted them to start off their weeks right. There were a few weeks left until they were on break again, this time longer. I sliced some strawberries and pulled some grapes off the vine to add to their lunches.

Bree entered the kitchen/dining room. Her hair was brushed and she wore her school uniform. She clutched her matching plaid hairband as she took a seat at the table. I set her omelet in front of her. “Thanks daddy,” she dug into her food.

“Do you want juice or milk?”

“Juice,” she answered.

I poured her some orange juice and ate my own breakfast as we waited for HRH to join us. Isla had two minutes left before she found herself in trouble. I wasn’t joking when I issued the warning. Luckily for her, she made her way into the room. Her hair was thrown up into a messy bun with strands flying around her face. She wore an oversized hoodie, jeans, and a pair of black converse. It was Isla’s signature outfit when she didn’t feel like putting effort into her appearance. She grabbed her plate off the counter and joined us.

We ate in silence. Our forks scraping against our plates were the only sounds heard as we finished our breakfasts. Isla and Bree headed to their rooms to grab their school bags, while I grabbed their lunchboxes. I dropped them off at their individual schools and headed over to my business. I had a few meetings for the day, one of them was with the health/safety inspector.

By the time I picked up Bree and then Isla, I was exhausted. Our mini reprieve last week was a blessing, but also we didn’t do much of anything except eat and watch movies. I was sluggish. “How was school?” I asked Isla when she climbed in.

“It was school.”

I brushed off her dismissal. “Did anything fun happen?”

She leveled me with a glare. “I don’t know what you want me to say. School is boring most of the time. Two girls got into a fight with actually kicking and punching in gym class. That was interesting.”

I regretted asking her the question immediately. “That wasn’t what I meant and you kno-“

“Who was it?” Bree piped up from the back.

“Jessica Taylor and Brinley Owens, I didn’t like them anyway, so it didn’t bother me.”

“Weren’t they the ones who started arguing during your fifth grade ceremony?”

“Yes, they were. Apparently, they’re interested in the same boy from our bother school. There was a lot of shouting and shoving at first then elbow and knees were flying everywhere. It was epic. Coach Riley was so shook.”

_What the devil does shook mean? Were they inventing words?_

“I would’ve been shook to if that happened in front of me. Do we know the boy?”

“He’s in our parish. It’s Brett,” she cackled in delight.

Bree squealed. “Ew, he’s gross. He used to eat his boogers.”

“I know,” she slapped her thigh. “And he’s an idiot. He literally told me that the sun isn’t a star, it’s a sun. And I was like no dumbas-“ her eyes drifted nervously to me as her cheeks flushed at her near slip. “I was like you’re an idiot if you really think that.”

Bree chortled. “Ugh, he’s such an ignoramus. He asked me how the Olympics could be 3000 years old if it’s only 2018.” They both groaned. “I’m in fourth grade and know how time works. He’s an eighth grader. There’s no hope for him.”

Isla was of the same mind. “Remember when mom used to schedule those playdates with him, and he would be the husband and I had to be the wife. He was so bossy acting as if he were my real husband. I wouldn't give him the time of day even if I did like boys. And then I got in trouble with mom for punching him in the face.”

“It was a good punch. Didn’t he lose a tooth?”

“It was two.”

We arrived back at my apartment where I directed them to the kitchen table to do their homework while I got started on dinner. Isla helped Bree with her math homework between her own assignments.

I belatedly realized when I settled into bed that I hadn’t heard from Claire all day. I sent her a ‘good night’ text, slightly worried about her, vowing to check in with her tomorrow.

The next morning was easier than the previous as Isla roused the moment I opened the door. “Yeah, yeah I know.” She muttered, crawling out of her bed, her hair sticking to her face. “I’m up. Don’t get your panties in a twist.”

Bree was in the process of readying herself when I entered her bedroom. It was a cereal morning and we all hunkered down at the breakfast table. I tried texting Claire and calling her after dropping Isla and Bree off at school, but there was no answer from her. I was worried about her and decided to do something somewhat unethical. I texted Isla. I didn’t like that she responded as quickly as she did, but she did give me a reason to drop by the house without Claire assuming I was checking up on her.

I used my key to let myself in when Claire didn’t answer. I knew she was home as her car was in the driveway. I headed up the stairs, bypassing Isla’s room and heading straight for Claire’s. The door was cracked and I opened it. I frowned when I didn’t see her until I saw the light from under the bathroom door. I knocked. “Claire?” I called hesitantly. There was no answer. “Honey, I’m coming in if you don’t answer.”

“It’s okay.” She said. “You can come in.”

I entered and she was seated on the bathtub. That wasn’t what caught my eye. On the sink was a box containing pregnancy tests. “Wh-what? Claire?”

“I’m late.” She sniffled, wiping away her tears. “I hadn’t realized with the last few days that my period was supposed to arrive over a week ago. I’m on the pill as you know and that regulates things, but it also isn’t a hundred percent effective either.”

A cold chill ran down my spine. It wasn’t that I didn’t want another child with Claire. I did. I wanted it a lot. Claire and I had only been together for a month and I was in the middle of starting a business, she was potentially leaving her job for another in the next year, and we weren’t ready to bring another child into our lives. There was too much happening for us to do that. “Is that why you ignored my calls and texts?”

She frowned, glanced around and spotted her phone on the floor, she picked it up and winced at the notifications. “I’m sorry. I panicked.”

“It’s okay. I’m internally panicking too.”

“You are?”

“Aye, I love the idea of more children but…” I trailed off.

“Not right now, I couldn’t agree more. I’ve been terrified to take the test all morning. I bought it last night. I just was hesitant to tell you because this is so new and we aren’t ready for it. We are still figuring out things with Isla and Bree. We don’t live together and we aren’t married. There are too many reasons for us not to have a kid.”

Apparently, we were in agreement. There were things that needed to happen before we planned to have another child. “Maybe we should talk about our expectations. We don’t do that a lot.”

So after she took the test, we talked. “I want it all with you. I want more than what we had last time because that fell apart so easily. We weren’t strong and united the way we should’ve been and we crumbled. I want us to last forever, and that means us being on the same page. We have to communicate and talk. I’m sorry I didn’t call you right away. I just… well I don’t really know. I sort of froze.”

I covered her hands with mine and pulled her into my lap. “It’s okay. When I saw that test, I freaked. It’s not that another kid is unappealing, but you’re right. We are very new and we are building something great. A new child would distract from that and we have to put the time into us first.”

She traced my collarbone. “I love you more than I did then. I do want to get married and move in together and all of those other things. However, I’m not ready for all of that just yet.”

“Neither am I,” I admitted. In fact, the prospect of getting married at this time terrified me. I wanted our second marriage to have a stronger foundation for us to bask in the knowledge that we were fully committing ourselves to each other and there was no more running away. We were going to stand at each other’s sides no matter what. “Ye can share yer fears with me. I’m here for you, for whatever ye made need.”

“I know,” she replied, resting her head on my chest. “I get scared sometimes. It’s all happening and sometimes I have to pinch myself to believe that it’s real.”

I understood the feeling. I was the same way. Most days it felt like one really good dream that I hadn’t woken up from yet. “It’s not, we are real. This is real. I love you.” I tipped her chin and kissed her. I poured everything into that kiss. I wanted her to understand that this was the long haul. We were stuck together and there were no take backs.

“How are you real?” She murmured, dazed. “You are amazing and honestly I don’t know what I did to deserve having you in my life, but I’m thankful for that day when you decided to sit down and converse with a total stranger. You brought light to my life and you continue to do so.”

“Are ye ready to check?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” she sighed, pushing herself up. I smacked her ass and she pivoted on her heel with wide eyes. “Jamie, you have a serious fetish for butts.”

“Just yers,” I told her. That was the truth. I didn’t care for asses on other women, but there was something about hers that kept my attention.

She giggled and slapped my chest. “Okay, come on, we can’t avoid it.” She picked up the test and read out the results.

“Is it odd I feel oddly disappointed?”

“No, I do too. I know it isn’t the right time at all, but I can’t stop picturing another tiny human that’s half you and half me.”

“Dinna worry sweetheart, it’ll happen when it’s meant to.” I brushed my lips across her forehead. “Now if ye’ll excuse me, I canna stay, I’ve got to deliver a violin to our twelve year old.”

“James Fraser, did you use our twelve year old as an excuse to stop by and check up on me?” She was laughing and my lack of an answer was telling. “Shame on you,” she snorted.

“It was her idea.”

She shook her head. “Even worse, listening to a twelve year old’s advice.”

“She is great at doling out advice.”

Claire smiled. “Oh Jamie, what am I going to do with you? By the way, I ordered those things you asked me to yesterday and they should be delivered to my office some time next week.”

Claire had shared with me how our daughters snooped for their presents and were like wee hound dogs on the hunt. She refused to have any of the packages sent to her house any longer after one year when Bree and Isla found them early, unwrapped the boxes, took out the present, and then rewrapped it without Claire any the wise to their actions. She discovered by accident when she was tidying their rooms and found their iPods, fully loaded with music and operational.

I laughed at the story as it was hilarious. They were sneaky and it was funny that they had devised such a clever plan. They would’ve gotten one over on her if they had taken better care to hide the gifts in a location Claire would’ve never looked. Instead, they tucked them under their pillows, and she was changing their sheets.

“Thank ye, I hope they like it.”

“Honestly, they’ll love it. As long as we don’t buy them clothes, it’ll be fine. Isla and Bree have stated they want to pick out their own things from now on and want cash instead of clothing.”

“Bold.”

“They’re monsters. I’ll tell my mum. She’s more of the clothes giver than I am anyway. But all of my stuff is officially taken care of including your present.”

“Oh and what did ye get me?”

She grinned saucily. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” Her fingers crawled up my chest. “It’s something you can unwrap.”

“Can I unwrap ye?” My gaze zeroed in on her loose camisole and her hard nipples. I was dying to get my mouth on her breasts. Two days was too long to go without my fill.

“Mhm, you’ll just have to see.” She pushed me away. “Sadly you don’t have the time, you’ve got a violin to deliver, and I’ve got work.”

“Ye little minx, I willna forget this. I’m going to punish ye.”

Her eyes darkened. “Do you promise?” She bit her lip and the thoughts that went through my brain weren’t the kind I had time to think about without taking her right there.

“Aye.”

“Well then I look forward to you…” She leaned in close, she panted heavily in my ear. Her tongue traced the shell before she gently sucked. “Punishing me for being such a naughty girl.”

She pulled away before I had a chance to grab her and sashayed into her closet. I was going to get her back for this. “Just ye wait Mrs. Fraser, Santa made a special notation next to your name on the naughty list.”

“I can’t wait.” She quipped.

“God, I love that woman.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! Glad that's done. I was even writing on my phone in the bath. I just spent the better part of 6ish hours writing this and a little time yesterday. But now I'm officially back on track with my storyboard so yay.
> 
> So that present opening story is actually based on a true story. My cousin unwrapped his xbox and took it out of the box. He then rewrapped the box and put it back under the tree. He got busted when his mom walked into his room and caught him playing video games.
> 
> Have you ever peeked at your presents?  
> Uh yes… I used to poke discreet holes in boxes I knew were toys.


	44. Interlude: Crazy For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was sort of a request... Jamie 'punishes' Claire for being a tease.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ta da! It's done. I do apologize for those who follow me on tumblr. In my defense, I totally thought this would be done on Sunday. But that didn't happen. Anyway, here it is. Thanks DistractedBySparklyThingsAndToast for this. You were the deciding factor on whether or not this was going to be included and it turned out to be 6k words. That wasn't the plan, but my plans have rarely worked out in relation to this story.

I was mortified as I tried to call Isla after her last sent text. I wanted to know how she knew about *shudder* my wee noises. I refrained from having discussions centered around our sex lives when our daughters were near and Jamie could barely say the word sex around them let alone think it. He was in denial about their maturation and the inevitability of them one day engaging in illicit activities.

Isla, however was difficult to get ahold of, and if I didn’t know better, I would’ve said she was screening my calls. I hit redial again and several rings later was directed to her voicemail once again. I growled and tossed my phone onto the sofa in my office. I had no way of interrogating her either with my shift ending after the time she would depart for Alyvia’s house. She was clever that daughter of mine. I would eventually corner her to figure out where she heard that.

While still disgusted about some of the changes in my relationship with her father, she had taken to teasing us when she wasn’t busy miming vomiting. She fluctuated depending on her many moods and we hardly knew what Isla would appear at the breakfast table until she opened her mouth.

I decided my best course of action was to focus on my work and put thoughts of my daughter out of my head until I could talk to her on Sunday. I wouldn’t see her at all tomorrow with Jamie and the girls going out for the day and my night shift. She picked the perfect time to go off the grid. I commended her and would discuss that with her when I next saw her.

By the time I dragged myself through my front door, I wanted to drown my sorrows in a bottle of wine and snuggle into my bed with a good rom-com. What met me when I entered my home was the delicious aroma of something Italian, and my feet carried me into the kitchen where Jamie worked diligently at the stove, stirring some sauce and boiling his pasta. “What’s all this?” I asked through a yawn.

He turned to me with a sheepish expression. “I was hoping to surprise ye.”

“I am surprised.” I walked over to him, sliding my arms around his waist with a content sigh. His arms wrapped around me and I snuggled into his chest. “You didn’t have to do all of this.”

“I ken ye had a bad week.” I grimaced at the reminder. Two of my long term patients passed away from complications and I took it hard. “With Isla and Bree out of the house this was a good opportunity for me to do something just for ye.”

He kissed my hair. I tilted my head and kissed his chin. “You’re the best and I love you, you wonderful man. Did I ever tell you that I find men who cook to be very sexy?”

“No if ye had, I would’ve learned ages ago.”

I giggled, having no doubts about the certainty in his voice. “Is there anything I can do?” I wanted to offer some assistance since had he decided to make us dinner.

He pulled away from me and shooed me out of my own kitchen. “No, ye can park yer ass in a chair. Have ye no’ heard of the word surprise? It means ye dinna do anything Sassenach.”

I pouted.

He shook his head and wagged his finger. “It doesna work on me.”

I deepened my pout, jutting my bottom lip out further and softened my eyes. He chuckled, the sound was rich and light, I loved it. He was all the medicine I needed. The rest was just extra.

“Why don’t ye light the candles, create some atmosphere?” It was less suggestive and more demanding, I narrowed my eyes as I went to the cabinet where we kept the candles. Jamie was up to something and I was beginning to think I was led into a trap. It was awfully convenient that Isla was invited just today to a sleepover. It had happened in the past, but it was rare for her and Bree to be gone on the same night.

“Jamie?”

“Aye?” I heard the smile in his voice.

The smug, sneaky bastard set this all up. “Nothing.” I would allow him to have his fun for now. It usually meant I got to have my own and lots and lots of orgasms. There wasn’t anything much better than that when we had no children running around to interrupt or catch us in the act.

I lit the candles as Jamie plated our food and brought it to the table. He poured us each a glass of red wine, then turned down the lights in the kitchen. “Are you seducing me?”

“I dinna think I have to do much to seduce ye.” He smirked as his eyes darkened.

I squeezed my thighs as dirty thoughts penetrated my brain. He wasn’t wrong. All he had to do was look at me a certain way or talk in that smooth, silky baritone of his for me to be wet and ready for him. _Fuck!_ He had said he was going to punish me for leaving him high and dry on Tuesday, and his flirty, provocative [texts](https://jmoonrise.tumblr.com/post/617230183413547008/i-apologise-for-the-delay-in-posting-the-next) throughout the week kept my interest and left me wanting. I had to take a couple of long showers for the last few nights as Jamie was busy with his business and spent the week at his apartment. Now, I realized he had done it on purpose to heighten the anticipation for when we were finally together.

I squeaked when I felt his foot trace my calf. I bit my lip at his electric tough, unwilling to give him the reaction he desired. He had bested me too many times this week with his cheeky texts that were indecent. He would send them at all hours of the day, especially if I was at work. That was his favorite time to press send. He left me flustered and stuttering, flushing my way through conversations with curious coworkers. There were a lot of giggles and winking, and I couldn’t look at them for fear they knew exactly what my phone contained. That was why he got his named changed in my phone from My Love with a heart to Sadistic Bastard. It was a title he earned in my opinion, and I wasn’t planning to change it back any time soon.

He got under my skin.

“How was your week? We’ve barely had a chance to really talk.”

His grin widened as he swirled his pasta around his fork. The way he looked at me should’ve been illegal. In his eyes, I saw all the dirty, filthy things he wanted to do to me. I squeezed tighter, trying to ignore the way my heart raced and my core heated. I could do this.

“I dinna know, I think we’ve talked a lot.”

So that was how he was going to play it? “I can’t remember. It’s just been so long and busy, and well… it’s easy to forget anything anyone sent me.”

He tilted his head, his gaze challenging after I tossed the ball in his court. “Ye dinna get any of my texts?” I shook my head. “Really? That’s fascinating. Do ye want to hear what I wrote? What I’ve sworn to do to ye?”

My throat was dry as I glanced at him across the table. The candle light danced across his facial features making him appear roguish. I despised that cocky, knowing grin of his as he fingered the stem of his glass. I immediately took a sip of my wine, hoping it would help settle my nerves.

“Claire, make no mistake, I will have ye tonight. I’m going to make ye scream and beg for me. Ye’re going to feel me and know that ye’re mine.” I gulped. I was aroused. Desire shot through me as confidence brewed in his dark blue gaze. “I’ll taste yer sweet nectar, pressing my fingers inside, only to pull them back. I’ll watch as your chest rises and falls with exertion, that beautiful blush covering yer body, and then I’ll enjoy it when ye fall apart for me. Do ye understand?”

I bobbed my head, words failing me. I was going to learn my lesson and I couldn’t wait.

We made small talk as we finished our meal. I told Jamie about the texts and ignored calls from Isla. He laughed and assured me it was fine. She probably overheard a conversation or something and decided to make fun of me for it. I didn’t like it, but there wasn’t much to be done about it.

He informed me of their plans the following day. Just as I had my day with them, he wanted one of his own. I thought it was sweet and I adored him more for it. He loved our daughters more than anything, and it made me so happy when they spent time together. “Did Jenna’s mom try and hit on you again?”

Jenna’s mom was a divorcee and always on the prowl. She made advances on a lot of the fathers of Bree’s classmates throughout the years, and she had finally set her sights on Jamie. I hadn’t had an opportunity to confront her about it, but I was at my breaking point. Jenna was a sweet girl and good friend to Bree, however I could no longer tolerate the way she disrespected significant others. It was beyond inappropriate.

The tips of his ears turned red, confirming what I knew to be true. “She wasn’t as pushy as last time, but she did try to invite me inside. I wasn’t comfortable and politely declined.”

It was endearing watching him transition from confident sex god to embarrassed school boy. He was cute and he was mine. “You’re cute. I will handle it.” He would bumble his way through it and in that charming way of his accidentally give her an invitation to continue her flirting with him. It wasn’t his fault.

“Do ye want to watch a movie while we eat dessert?”

“Sure, what do you have?”

“Cannolis.”

I cheered happily. It was my favorite Italian dessert. “You are a god amongst men. I love you.” I kissed him as I took the dishes to the sink. “Leave them,” I told him when he started rolling up his sleeves. He stared at me in shock, “They’ll be fine. I’ll wash them in the morning. But we should put away everything else and soak the pots.”

We cleaned the kitchen together, shortening the time it would normally take, and then walked into the family room with our hands entwined. He pecked my temple as we plopped onto the sofa. I brought my legs up and stretched them across his lap as he settled the plate with the pastries on top of my legs. I scowled at him. “Let me feed ye.”

He brought fried pastry to my parted lips, and I took a tentative bite, moaning in delight as the cream wrapped around my tongue. My tongue darted out to lick some of the cream off of Jamie’s fingers. My eyes met his as my mouth wrapped around the thick digit. “Claire, ye’re supposed to eat the dessert, no’ me.”

“Who says I can’t do both?” I challenged.

“Me,” he replied, rubbing his thumb against my puckered lips. “Behave and maybe yer punishment will no’ be that bad.”

I didn’t trust the sadistic bastard after all of the illicit texts he sent me, detailing exactly what he was going to do to me when we were alone. He was going to bring me to the edge before pulling back right before I climaxed. He wanted to torture me as long as possible until I was frothing at the mouth, begging him to end my suffering, pleading for him to finally fuck me. It was a familiar game with Jamie, and I was wet thinking about what fun it was going to be.

“Fine,” I pouted and crossed my arms. He laughed, relishing in my misery and my frustration. I was reduced to using my fingers to satiate the natural hunger I had for him and my fingers failed to compare to his package. They did the job, but it was nowhere near as filling as his cock, and the smug asshole was aware of my dilemma. He taunted me about it, thinking it hilarious, but it also meant he was using his hand to take care of his problem. So he clearly wasn’t too far behind me, and we both shared a mutual desire to roll around naked.

My phone began to ring and I sighed, sliding it out of my back pocket. I wanted to growl because seriously who was calling me this late at night. If it was the hospital, I was going to toss it across the room. Instead of the familiar number of the hospital, it was a FaceTime request from my elusive daughter.

I slid my finger across the screen to accept her call. Her smile widened when she realized I wasn’t the only person in the frame. Her resemblance to her father was uncanny at that precise moment. “Hey mom, I noticed you called.”

I glared at her. She knew damn well, I more than called her. “Did I Isla? Are you sure it wasn’t four times and a couple of texts?”

She visibly winced, her eyes darting to her father for a rescue. Jamie looked away, unwilling to help our darling daughter out of this one. “Okay… yeah I think I remember that. In my defense, I had piano lessons and then I had to get my stuff together, and we’ve been busy.”

A hollow laugh clawed out of my throat when she attempted to dismiss how she ignored me. “Isla-“

“Look I’m sorry, but in my defense I don’t actually want to have that _conversation_ , and you’ve been super stressed this week. I thought we’d talk later when you had some time to you know relax, that thing you rarely do. Gosh mom, take a chill pill for once.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re uptight. As much as it pains me to say it, maybe it is better for all of our sanity if you and dad just,” her face scrunched and her body sort of shudders. “Just do it a couple of times a week, you’re way cooler then and a lot less annoying. No offense or maybe yes offense because you’ve been moody and on my case all week.”

Jamie moved offscreen to snort at Isla’s bluntness.

“I’m just saying,” she added upon noticing the look on my face. “You- well- there’s really not a lot of ways to say this, especially to your parents and I’m going to have nightmares about this moment forever. But I think you need to get laid.”

Jamie failed to hide his chortles as his body shakes with mirth. He held his sides as he continues to laugh. I resisted the urge to duck and hide as I was the adult, she was a child. Although, her observation was correct, and I needed to as she so crassly put it, get laid. I was starting to despise the seventh grade.

“Good night Isla, we will finish this discussion at a later date.” Or never was preferable.

“Whatever mom, good night. Have fun ‘relaxing’.”

That set Jamie off into another round of laughter. I groaned and laid back onto the cushions. How was this my life? My daughter was ever watchful of me and used to deductive reasoning to determine the reason I was crabby was the lack of her father in my bed. There was nothing okay about that statement.

I whacked Jamie in the chest. “Stop that,” I muttered. “It’s not funny.”

“It is from where I’m sitting. Ye should’ve seen yer face, ha ha,” he laughed. “Ye were shocked and ye looked as if ye wanted the earth to swallow you whole.” I did.

“It’s embarrassing to know she’s sharp enough to pick up on those sorts of things now.” I twiddled my thumbs uncomfortably, unable to look him in the eye. “She’s twelve going on thirty and I want to keep her twelve.”

“Aye, I ken. I keep thinking back to those calls I used to make with her. She was tiny and her voice incredibly high. Now she’s a person capable of higher thought, and she knows things.” If anyone understood it was him. It was surreal to watch her grow, almost as if it happened over night when we were aware that it was twelve years of work to get her to this point.

“In a few years she’ll be off to college.”

“Hey,” his voice was soft as he tipped my chin up. His eyes were a raging storm. It was worse for him in a way as he could never make up all the missed time. “She’s still here. There are still roughly six years left with her living with us. Let’s not add onto her age just yet.” His smile was reassuring as he helped me lift up. “We’ve got time.”

“Thanks.”

He leaned forward to kiss me. There wasn’t heat behind it, but I felt his overwhelming love. It was sweet and what I needed in that moment. He pulled back, his eyes crinkling. “Come on, it’s time for me to punish ye.”

I licked my lips. “Lead on.”

**JPOV**

I had plans for her. I worked all week so that I could execute them without her knowing. When Bree informed me of her intent to sleepover at a friend’s house, I asked Isla if she wanted to go over to a friend’s house too. I wasn’t trying to get rid of her if her answer was no. I would shift things around, but Isla was all too happy to leave and spend the night at her friend Alyvia’s house. She unbuckled her seatbelt before the car was at a full stop and opening the doors with a rushed goodbye thrown in my direction.

I personally escorted Bree to the front door of her friend Jenna’s house. She threw her arms around me and kissed my cheek, while I promised I would pick her up at ten the next morning for brunch and shopping. She beamed at me and then rushed inside to chase after her wee friend, leaving me with said friend’s mother who made several unwelcome advances before I departed.

Claire said she would deal with the situation, and I was man enough to admit I preferred that. I didn’t want my words misconstrued and I had a habit when I was uncomfortable of accidentally flirting. Claire used to chuckle and shake her head when my natural charm came out.

“Alright come on,” I tugged her up the stairs to her bedroom. I prepared everything prior to her arrival. She was going to learn what happened to women who teased men. “Sit on yer bed.”

She did so obediently, and the neanderthal in me loved how she listened and obeyed. “Close yer eyes now.” I grabbed the cloth before entering Claire’s personal space. I lowered it to her eyes before fastening it in a knot at the back of her head. “You’re going to lose yer sense of sight tonight. Do ye ken?” She nodded and I grinned. I lifted up her shirt and unfastened her bra with one hand, letting it fall to the floor. “Scoot back on the bed baby.” She did until her back hit the headboard.

I grinned, savoring and imprinting all of this to my memory. She was compliant and giving me all of the control, then again she was unaware of the next part of my plan.

Gently, I held a delicate wrist in my hand, tying it to the headboard, repeating the action with the other. “There will be no touching. I am in charge tonight.”

She gulped nervously. Claire was out of her depth, but she was willing to continue with our game. I was immensely proud of her for it. I lit the candles around her room, creating a cozy, romantic atmosphere for us. I turned off her lamp. “Now ye can always tell me if at any point ye’re uncomfortable with anything and need me to release ye.”

“I know Jamie. I trust you.”

The words were everything to me. I kissed her, pulling back when her tongue brushed against my lips. “Remember my rules,” I whispered.

My breath fanned over her body, goose pimples rising over her flesh. I didn’t know where I wanted to start first, but removed her work pants, sliding them off her legs at a slow pace. Claire bit her lip, her cheeks flushed with desire. Her thighs glistened with moisture and I was smug as hell. I knew I was getting to her when we were downstairs. She pretended she was unaffected, but I knew better. I knew her.

My eyes traveled over the sleek curves of her body, curves I was intimately familiar with and had explored numerous times in the last month and a half. My hands ached to touch her, to feel her soft skin tremble underneath me.

I hooked a finger under the lacy hem of her panties, which were completely soaked through. I tugged them down her legs, my fingers brushing against her naked flesh. I planted tiny kisses at the apex of her thighs, they fell open for me as I received my first moan of the night. I hadn’t even done anything to her and she was losing it.

My lips traced over the veins in her legs, never lingering in one spot. She wriggled her hips impatiently, wrists tugging at her restraints. I grinned salaciously at the sight. Her lips were bright red and parted as she panted. My mouth trailed up her legs where I stopped upon reaching my treasure. She was pink and glistening and it was a beautiful sight. I pressed a finger to her opening, and she keened wildly, her hips jutting off the bed. I removed my hand with a smirk as she whined.

I crawled up her body, our lips separated by a mere whisper. Her warm breath washed over me, and I gave in, kissing her hungrily. I encased her bottom lip between mine, tugging with my teeth, before soothing the abuse lip with my tongue, only to repeat. I sucked on that lip as her hips rolled under me, begging me to touch her. I wasn’t going to give into her that easily. I had big plans before I finally joined with her, satisfying both of us.

I pressed my lips harder, deeper into hers with fervor as her tongue darted across the breech to duel with mine. My need for her was too great and I wrenched my mouth away from our battle of tongues and lips. Her chest rose rapidly, her breasts jiggling, and I was aroused by those rosy buds. I recalled what I said I would do to them.

My lips trailed across her jaw, down her neck, over the sinewy muscles of her shoulders working downwards until I reached one of her pebbled nipples. I cupped her other mound, testing and tugging, while my lips were encased around her sweet berry. “Mmm,” I moaned languidly. She arched her back, her fingers twitched, likely aching to tangle in my hair as she was fond of doing.

My tongue swirled around the bud, skating over her raised flesh in slow circles before whirling back across with a quick whip. My teeth grazed her nipple before I bit down. “Ahh,” she groaned. “More.”

I switched my attentions to her other breast, my mouth firmly attached to the mound, while my hands explored her curves. Her body was warm and willing and available for my personal exploration, as if I didn’t know it better than my own.

I dropped the best with one last swipe of my tongue, my nose brushing down the center of her body, dragging wet kisses until I was once again at her pussy. “How did I get so lucky?” I murmured. My hands cupped her perky ass as I smelled her heady arousal. Something carnal and licentious awoke in me as it overwhelmed me. I had to taste her. I licked my lips like the cat who ate the canary. “I’m going to fuck ye over and over with my tongue. I’ll bring ye right to the edge until ye’re trembling and then I’m going to stop, watching as ye come down before doing it all over again. When I’ve decided ye’ve had enough, I’ll let ye cum. Ye’re going to cum harder than ye have in yer whole life.”

“I believe you.” She said breathlessly.

My mouth closed around her mound. I breathed in deep, inhaling her scent one last time before my tongue ran across her slit. The first stroke sent her body skyward when she came back down, my tongue continued along its’ path, parting her slit like curtains to peek inside. My tongue slipped further into her wet folds and her taste enveloped my tongue. She tasted as delicious as she smelled.

I kissed her sex as she mewled helplessly above me. My hands wrapped around her hips, fingers clamping down to hold her in place.

Her sweet, tangy taste coated my tongue as I savored each stroke back and forth. I forked my tongue over her tightly bundled clit, before pushing back the hood and clamping my lips over it.

Claire moaned lewdly as I pushed my tongue deeper into her. My lips wrapped around her swollen nub, caressing the bundle of nerves. My stubble grazed against her folds as I buried my face deeper into her. I felt the tell tale flutter of her walls and with a sad sigh pulled back.

“You fucking bastard! Seriously?”

“Ye have a foul mouth on ye. Has anyone ever told ye that Mrs. Fraser?”

“I’ll show you a foul mouth, you arsehole.” Her accent was often stronger when we had sex. I loved it. “I can’t believe you’re leaving me hanging like this. I’m throbbing Jamie, literally throbbing and so ready for you, and you’re just going to sit there and watch me losing my goddamned mind.”

I clucked my tongue at her. “Taking the Lord’s name in vain Sorcha, ye’re only adding to yer list of offenses.” She growled and made a clutching motion with her bound hands. I grinned.

When her breathing slowed, I dove back in, nipping and licking as I went. If anything, her sweet nectar tasted better than before and I lapped at her folds. Her salacious moans filled my ears and spurred me on as I snaked my tongue across her sensitive clit. She jerked erratically, whimpering for more as I pushed my tongue past her slit, parting her like the Red Sea. My tongue swirled all around, never stopping its’ movement as I buried my face in her. Claire mewled, her fingers grasping at air.

Her muscles rippled and tightened, and I had to stop as she reached the edge again. She was at her tipping point. All it would take was a single swipe before she came all over my tongue, flooding my mouth with her juices, but we would do one more round before I finally allowed her that pleasure. After all, I wasn’t doing this to reward her but punish her, and what better way than to withhold her climax.

I waited patiently, my fingers trickling over her silken skin. “I love you.”

Her lips quirked upward. “I know.”

I rolled my eyes. “Ye’re such a nerd Claire. No one would ken it looking at ye.”

It was one of those things I learned about her when we first began dating. While she told me a lot about herself during the early days of our friendship, I learned the bulk of everything when she was my girlfriend like the fact that she was a geek.

She poked her tongue out and I couldn’t resist the temptation of that pink muscle. I moved closer, slanting my mouth over hers, her mouth opening to mine as I slid my tongue against hers. I swallowed her moans, my hands roaming over her body never settling.

“I can taste myself on you.”

“Good.” I told her. “I love tasting ye. Ye’re the best dessert and I’m going back for thirds.”

This time I was finally going to give her the release she desired. Her sex quivered as I blew over the exposed area. She clenched her thighs. My hands parted them, holding her legs in place. My mouth enclosed over her clit and she was crying out immediately. I listened to her cries, catering my movements to her needs, so as to elicit more from her, coaxing her into a powerful climax.

My tongue swiped over her much abused nub leaving her legs trembling. My thumb replaced my tongue on her clit as I slid it through again. I stroked through her wet folds as my thumb circled her tight nub. Her legs wrapped around my shoulders as I fully buried my face inside of her, as I delighted myself with my dessert. My tongue sunk fully into her and her hips jetted off the mattress, pushing her pussy further into my face, allowing me to enjoy the fragrance of her bouquet.

I pressed harder with my thumb, swirling in tight circles as I penetrated with deep strokes, hard and fast, the way she liked. Her whimpers and moans filled my ears like a beautiful symphony as I continued to thrust my tug in and out of her.

I felt the moment her orgasm finally hit her. Her abdomen tightened under my palm, her walls clenched as my mouth filled with her, and her legs gripped my shoulders. She came with a litany of curses streaming freely from her seductive lips. I continued to lap at her until her legs loosened around me, falling to the bed when she couldn’t hold them up any longer.

She was glorious. Her body shimmering with sweat and afterglow. Her hair had fallen out of her updo, pieces sticking to her face, and her face was bliss. I did miss seeing her eyes during the experience. I pictured her smoky orbs, dark and dangerous, ready for more. I stripped myself as my eyes mapped the contours of her body.

I was finally going to have her. I ached and was unbelievably hard. I didn’t think I was going to last too long after all of that. It was as painful and pleasureful for her as it was for me. “Are ye ready for me, mo chridhe?”

“God yes Jamie,” she groaned as I dipped my fingers into her pussy.

“Tell me what ye want.” I thrusted a single digit into her to explore her spongy, velvet walls.

She threw her head back as her body trembled with need. “Please.”

“Please, what?”

“Just fuck me already, we both know you want to and I need you to fill me. Like you said my fingers haven’t been doing the job and I haven’t had to dig out my vibrator since you re-“ I cut her off with a hard kiss, positioning myself at her entrance.

I swirled my cock in her juice, teasing her, adding to the prolonging of this moment. She licked my lips, stealing her taste right off my glossy lips, and damn if it wasn’t the sexiest thing she had done. With our lips firmly entrenched, I sunk myself into her hungry walls, groaning with exertion as she swallowed my cock. “Fuck,” I swore as her silk folds wrapped around me.

She flexed, tightening around me, the little minx. She found a way to enact her revenge on me with those damn Kegel exercises. I pulled out and then drove back into her clenched walls. She dug her heels into my lower back. My lips found their home in her neck as I sucked lasciviously on her pulse point. The bruising from the previous weekend had faded away over the week and she needed some new markings.

I inched deeper into her, wanting to crawl inside of her every time our bodies met with a loud slap. My ears rang with the sounds of her gasps, my tempo increasing, I was emboldened. I licked a trail of sweat, beading down her neck, and kissed my way up to her ear, taking the lobe between my lips. Her languid moans were pure music when I eased my cock out with only the tip remaining inside of her. She thrusted her hips, trying to get me to move, but I refused to budge.

Claire was close. I wasn’t going to allow her another orgasm unless we were climaxing together, so I held back from pumping into her.

“Ugh, you are the fucking worst tonight.”

I chuckled darkly as she fought against the silk restraints. I enjoyed watching her like this, completely under my control.

When I was unable to hold back, I surge forward, burying myself in her completely before pulling back. Her hips rocked against me as Claire tried her best to participate with her limited range of motion. I propelled myself back into her as she lifted her ass off the bed, offering me a better angle to drive into her.

My hands gripped her ass cheeks as my shaft stroked into her. Her tight walls caressed my cock with each penetration, and I felt the strain in my upper arms. My abdomen tightened as I forced myself to continue charging into her at a rapid rate as she arched her back with her enticing cries escaping her parted lips. She was delectable and I loved her. I plowed into her, in, out, in, out not noticing the clenching of her walls and her attempt to throw her body forward.

I hammered her, my pace unrelenting until I felt it. Claire’s teeth dug into my shoulder as her heels pushed me further into her deep tunnel. Her loud keens of pleasure continued to reach my ears, but still my own climax eluded me. I devoured her skin with kisses as my body drove into her, deeper, faster, harder, desperate for it all. I craved her in all of the best ways possible and she took it. She gave as good as she got, meeting me thrust for thrust, despite how tired her body must be.

My thighs tensed, all of my muscles quivering as I thrusted into her one last time before spasming around her fluttering walls. I spilled into her as her warm juices soaked my spent cock, sending me right over the cliff. I kissed her sweaty temple, panting uncontrollably, my breaths short and ragged. With a few shall strokes, I pulled out of her.

“Give me a few minutes and I’ll untie ye Claire.”

My muscles were the equivalent of jelly, and the way Claire lay unmoving said a lot about her own. It was a few minutes later when I released her from her bondages, lathering each wrist with tiny kisses. Claire smiled weakly at me, cupping my face, her eyes conveying her exhaustion.

“I think you broke me. I’ll be feeling you for a while.”

I buried my face in her neck with a giant smile.

“Stop smiling you big oaf.”

“I canna help it. It is the caveman in me.”

She giggled. “Well whatever it is, I love you and it, but I think you should save it for very special occasions.”

I laughed at her. “Sore?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe. You are something else.”

“I love you so much, always have.”

“Don’t worry Jamie, if there is one thing I don’t doubt, it’s the depth of your feelings for me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's off to bed with me. I've been writing this for the last 5hrs and it's 4:40 on the east coast. I wasn't tired an hour ago, but I am now that this is done. I hope you enjoyed. If you want to see Jamie's texts, just click the link to my tumblr. https://jmoonrise.tumblr.com/post/617230183413547008/i-apologise-for-the-delay-in-posting-the-next
> 
> Question: What's one of the most memorable punishments you had as a kid?  
> I would have to say (and this totally makes me sound like a member of my generation) it was when my mom took away my phone for two weeks. I actually snuck in when she wasn't home one day to check all of my missed texts. Other than that I really wasn't punished that often as a kid except for 6 weeks when I was grounded in the 6th grade.


	45. Chasing Pavements

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll explain at the end what's happening.

I stare at my reflection, adding the final touches to my make-up. I fluff my hair a bit to give it some extra volume, pursing my lips when it fails to turn out the way I pictured. That’s what I get for trying anyway.

“You ready?” Someone calls from behind me, and I turn with a smile on my dark pink painted lips. “Holy shit! You’ve totally been holding out.”

I duck my head bashfully at the compliment. It isn’t as if people hadn’t made remarks regarding my appearance in the past, however I am finally arriving at a place where I feel comfortable accepting and believing them. “Thanks,” I murmur shyly. “You look good too.”

She waves her hand dismissing me. “I already know how good I can look. What I didn’t know was that you could look like that.” She whistles at me with a wolfish grin on her face. I resist the urge to laugh at her antics.

“Why?” I frown.

“I’ve known you a long time and it’s only recently where you’ve started to come out of your shell.”

Normally, I would take offense at her words, but I don’t. I fall silent momentarily as I figure out an appropriate response. When a person knows you as long as we’ve known each other, the old, tried and true excuses fail to have an effect. With a sigh, I sweep back my hair, pushing it behind my shoulders. “I guess I didn’t feel confident. You try following after someone like my mother.”

My mother is drop dead gorgeous and a lot of men and some women have taken notice. While I somewhat resemble her, it was a struggle to not feel inferior to her. I hate how I constantly compared our appearances and considered myself to fall short every time. It isn’t the way I was raised to think of myself, and shame churns guiltily in my stomach.

“I mean yeah your mom is seriously beautiful, but you are too. You’ve got to stop doubting yourself.”

“I have,” I assure my friend. “It took time and a lot of self-affirmations in the mirror, but I see it.” I spent much of my childhood insecure about my appearance, despite the constant reassurances of my mother stating otherwise. “I like how I look.”

“Good, so are you ready to go?”

“Hell yeah!” I exclaim, draping my coat over my arm. I’ll shrug into it before we leave the house. “Are you sure it’s okay?” I hate how tentative and anxious I sound, but I’ve never done anything like this in my life.

I've spent much of my life toeing the line and pushing boundaries, but I’ve never deliberately completely crossed it into unknown territory. I’m going to a new country and it terrifies me.

“Isla,” Emme grabs my hands and squeezes. “My sister is cool with it. She wouldn’t want me telling my parents what she gets up to on campus.” I snort, well informed about Marlee’s activities since she started attending college last fall. She is two years older than us, but Marlee is no stranger to embracing her wild side. “She plays the dutiful Catholic daughter and joined the Catholic Student Association. But you’ve heard the stories from me and her.”

The moment I heard about Marlee rushing a sorority her first spring at the school, I knew then Emme would find us a way to get invited to parties. We covered for Marlee on numerous occasions when we were in middle school and we caught her traipsing into the house well passed her curfew. She swore us to secrecy and we extorted promises from her that we would collect in the future.

“Who else is coming again?” I wasn’t listening all that much, mostly tuning her out when she prattled on about the others in our friend group she invited to tag along.

She glares at me and punches me without much heat thrown behind it. If she wanted, she could have left a bruise. We weren’t strangers to injuries. “I invited Sara and Meg. Lyv said she had plans for tonight when I mentioned going out.”

I fail to hide my disappointment. “Oh… she has been busy lately.”

“Ugh, God I really hate you. You’ve been pining after her since like the third grade.”

My cheeks burn hotly. “I have not!” It is a blatant lie and we both know it. “Well… even if I have it’s complicated between us.”

“Yes, I’ve been privy to all of it, and all I’ve got to say is you really need to do something about it.”

It is easy for her to say. She isn’t the one in love with her best friend and risks destroying twelve years of friendship with a single declaration. As much as I want to reveal my heart to her, pouring out my feelings to her with potential rejection looming over me isn’t something I’m keen to do. Emme has a natural confidence and charm and she uses it to flirt with boys and get them to do her bidding. I haven’t reached that stage, nor do I believe I ever will.

“Can we drop it?” I slide my arms into my black pea coat. I don’t mean to snap at her after all she’s trying to offer me her support, however she’s been pushing me towards dating since school started two months ago. I have a lot on my plate without the added worries of a relationship.

“Fine, fine,” she holds her hands up, dropping the subject. “But just have some fun tonight. I know that you’re feeling the pressure recently with your parents and school, but we’ve got two years left.”

The reminder of our limited time together sits between us as we situate ourselves in her car. My SAT scores are bound to arrive in the next few weeks, which will help determine my next actions. I’ve got my dream schools and my back ups in case I don’t get in. I had to play it smart. Music camp and studying for the SAT dominated much of my free time over the summer. My parents were planning several colleges for us to visit over the upcoming months, and it was a lot to contend with at once. The future sat before us and for the first time, I didn’t want to look forward.

Our teachers spoke extensively to us at the start of the year about how different this one was compared to our previous years. My counselor called me into her office for a meeting two weeks ago to discuss my plans. It was all happening and there was no putting the brakes on any of it.

“Sorry dude, I didn’t mean to make the moment all heavy.”

“You’re right.” The next year and a half was going to pass us by and then we would take great leaps and bounds into our futures. “I want to share all of these experiences with you guys before we all go off in our own directions.”

Emme grins over at me before focusing on backing out of her driveway. Her parents are out of town for the weekend with her brother who is visiting a few colleges of his own. He’s a senior and narrowing down his choices for when he has to decide in the spring. They’re in D.C. and left Emme home alone for the weekend. They figured her sister lives nearby on campus and if anything were to go wrong, she was there to watch out for her sister, never mind the fact that Marlee was much more likely to get her little sister in trouble than the other way around.

“What did you tell your parents anyway?” She glances over at me, signaling her blinker for the car behind us. We make the turn onto Meg’s street.

I fiddle with my hands in my lap, unable to believe the whopping lie I delivered to my parents two days ago. “I told them I was spending the night and we were potentially going to a party at someone from school’s house.”

“You just failed to mention said person attended school with us two years ago.”

I glower at her. I had little practice in the art of deceiving my parents. “Besides, my parents are busy with the kiddos.” Thank god my younger siblings came down with the flu, distracting my parents from worrying over me. “Bree promised not to narc as long as I returned the favor.” My little sister was in the eighth grade, nearly fourteen in a few weeks. “She and her friends were nearly arrested on Halloween.”

Bless my sister, I love her. I can’t remember when she wasn’t there, a thorn in my side. My parents had their rose colored glasses on when it came to her, I would too if I hadn’t seen the pictures.

“What did she do?”

“Let’s just say she and her friends should be lucky they run fast.”

“And Mama and Paper Fraser didn’t suspect a thing?”

I giggle at the nickname for my parents. “It wigs me out when you call him that.” Emme and a lot of my friends had a massive crush on my father. Sometimes I caught them watching him as he worked shirtless in our backyard. I heard far too many fantasies and had to remind them he was very much married to my mother. “Anyway, lucky for her, no they don’t. But it also means I was able to cash in this favor.”

My sister has covered for me a few times when I broke curfew or deliberately snuck out. It wasn’t to do anything stupid like her, but still we weren’t allowed out past eleven on weekends.

“How are your brother and sister?”

A smile finds its’ way onto my face when I think of them. Mom and dad held a lot of regrets when it came to how they raised me and Bree. They weren’t quite the united front they thought they would be when we were born, but they worked with what they had.

When they shared the news of my mom’s pregnancy, it was dead silent. Bree and I were nervous prior to the meeting as family meetings were rarely called. We exchanged several cursory looks as we took our seats. I was thirteen and she was eleven. Trouble was something we did our best to avoid with two parents around to bust us for our wrongdoings.

_“You aren’t in trouble,” my mother laughed, taking in our tense shoulders and worried faces. “We have news to share.”_

_I furrowed my brow, meeting Bree’s eyes again. My mom said that, but what sort of news could she have to share with us. We had gone through all of the big things… proposals, moving, weddings, etc. What was there left? My eyes widened and I stared at my mom, excitement racing through me as I bounced eagerly in my seat. “Seriously? Are you?” I nodded to her barely noticeable bump._

_She smiled and nodded. “OH MY GOD!” I screeched, throwing myself off the sofa into her arms._

_“Oomph.” She exhaled when I collided with her. There were going to be more of us, which was a positive. It wasn’t the only reason I was ecstatic._

My sister, Ava Grace was born April 20, 2020. She was seven pounds and twenty centimeters with blondish hair. She wasn’t a ginger, which my dad marveled at and her hair had darkened a little in the last two years. Then a little over a year after her birth, we finally got the little brother we always wanted. I was happier that Ava would have someone to grow up with like I had Bree. Brodie Noah Fraser is a demonic child as it turned out. At eighteen months he had the entire house stressed out. He is the reason my door remains shut at all times. His sticky fingers have pilfered many a personal possession. As soon as he discovered his legs had a use besides crawling at some weird angle, he started running and never stopped.

We converted the guest room into Ava’s nursery, and then when Brodie was growing inside of my mom, we finally cleared out the play room. Bree and I hadn’t used it in years and we were barely home enough as it was.

“They’re fine. Honestly, I think they’re milking it more than anything.” They love their cuddles and the extra attention heaped on them. I do love them, but they were exhausting. Babysitting them is a nightmare, one I do my best to get out of when an opportunity arises.

The car pulls to a stop in front of Meg’s and Emme honks the horn like an asshole. “Honestly, we could’ve texted her.”

“Much more fun this way.”

“You’re just hoping to catch a peek of her hot brother.”

“Guilty as charged.”

Meg struts out the front door with a huge grin as she exchanges some words with someone unseen beside her. She closes the door and rushes to the car and out of the cold. “You’re timing couldn’t have been better if you timed it. My mom was starting to seriously annoy me.”

It’s another ten minutes of idle chit chat before we arrive at the final pick-up, Sara. Sara waits at the entrance to her apartment building and grins when she catches sight of us.

Sara is on the field hockey team with me, while Meg, Emme, and I play softball together. We all have classes together as our school isn’t particularly large. Our class is only like 70 kids. We do benefit from it.

“So the party is off campus, but we will be meeting my sister on campus at her dorm. She’s going to drive and she says we can crash in her suite.”

Two hours later with music blasting in my ears, I find myself making conversation with one of Marlee’s sisters. She’s a lit studies major and way smarter than me. “What’s your favorite quote?” She asks me. We have talked about our shared love of reading and classics.

“Of all the creatures that breathe and move upon the earth, nothing is bred weaker than man.”

“Ahh _The Odyssey_ , do you like Greek works?”

I feel the flush of my cheeks and ignore the butterflies in my stomach. “Yeah, I took a literature class last semester on classics and _The Odyssey_ sort of reminded me of my parents in a way.” Well if you took out all of the killing and mythical creatures. My parents spent a long time on their own journeys, lost in their wandering, trying to find their way back home. “What I enjoyed the most was the way the Gods are depicted, interfering in the life of humans, whilst also despising what humans had become. What more is that while their lives are in the hands of the Gods, they are still responsible for their own follies. All of their decisions are their own even though they want to blame the Gods for everything that goes wrong in their lives.”

“Are you considering becoming an English major?” She asks me.

“I’ve entertained the idea.” I start. “But I’m planning to apply to music school. I play the piano and violin and really want to pursue that further.” That was one conversation I was anxious to have with my parents when we started discussing my future the previous school year. They wanted to hear if I had any ideas and I did. While I loved the rigour and challenges associated with traditional school subjects, music had become my saving grace after my accident a few years ago.

“You must be good.” She comments with a shy smile.

She’s very pretty. I think she said her name was Lily. She is a sophomore like Marlee, but unlike our group, she is from out of state. “I’m not terrible,” I joke. Am I flirting?

“No, you’re not.” Her voice is huskier and there’s something attractive about that.

I lean towards her. “So what made you join the sorority?”

“I’m a legacy for starters and I’ve always liked the idea of sisterhood. I’m an only child. What about you?”

“I’ve got three younger siblings.” I definitely am not an only child. “My sister is two years younger than me and then we’ve got siblings who are toddlers.” Her eyes widen comically and I bite back a smile at her reaction. “My parents had us young and then decided later they wanted to add a couple more.” I omit a few details wanting to avoid the epic saga of my parents’ relationship. “So why Boston? You’re from California and that’s about as different from here as you can get.”

She shrugs with her piercing grey eyes. “It’s different. I wanted to get away from my parents. They’re divorced and they’ve made my life miserable. Without leaving the continent, Boston is quite a distance.”

“I’m sorry,” I tell her, understanding her situation. My parents weren’t ever that bad, nor did they go to extremes to make us unhappy. My childhood while not idyllic was great. I did have my parents around and they kept their words to themselves when we were around. Out of the corner of my eye, familiar light brown waves catch my attention and I swallow the lump in my throat. “Oh,” I mumble.

“What’s wrong?” She cranes her neck to catch a glimpse. “Is it that girl with Trent?”

Trent, the name sounds douchey and pretentious. I lower my eyes and nod. “That’s Alyvia.”

Now I understandwhy she hasn’t been able to spend time with me as of late and evasive whenever I asked about what she was doing. “She’s the girl I’ve been in love with since like forever.”

Lily cups my face and presses her lips to mine. My eyes flutter shut at the brush of her mouth against mine. She pulls back with a smirk. “She won’t have missed that.” My eyes dart over Lily’s head to find Lyv glaring daggers at Lily’s head as if she had a right to be jealous. We weren’t together. She made that insanely clear to me. “The thing I’ve learned Isla is that sometimes you’ve got let some people go for your benefit and theirs. You may or may not be ready to pursue something with her, but I think you should focus on yourself and not her.”

I chew on my lips. “Why does it feel like my world is ending watching her in his arms?” I watch as he wraps an arm around her waist, his massive palm sliding into place on her hip. She cuddles into his side and I remember a time when we were like that, when she kissed me and my heart stopped.

“That’s called heartbreak.”

“It fucking sucks.” Here was another thing my mom was right about. She told me the first time the heart breaks is the worst. It happens unexpectedly and leaves a gaping hole. I rub my chest at the uncomfortable sensation settling deep inside, ready to take permanent residence. So this is what it feels like. She leans up to kiss his cheek and he tilts his head catching her lips. The worst part is I know exactly what those lips feel like, how soft they are and how they pillowed mine. I knew what her hands felt like as they cradled my face, her thumbs brushing delicately over my cheeks as she traced my features. “Is it alright… I-I have to go.”

Lily helps me leave and gives me her number. She said I could use more friends who understood after I told her earlier about my friends.

I duck out of the party and stand outside in the cold. I left my jacket inside, but I refuse to go back in there. My heart can’t bear to see them together. “Isla?”

My eyes squeeze shut as I rein in my tears. I refuse to fall apart in front of her. I plaster a fake grin onto my face as I turn to her. She bites her lip and stares at me as if she’s never seen me before tonight. “Can we talk?” I hear the trepidation and the petty part of me relishes in it. Alyvia isn’t dumb and I have a glass face like my mother, meaning I lack expertise in hiding my emotions.

“What is there to say?” I ask snidely. I’m not in the mood for Alyvia and her brand of bullshit tonight. “You’re dating Trent.”

She winces at the hostility in my voice. “Please you have to understand, I-“

“No, fuck you!” She reels back instantly as the words spill from my lips. “You’ve kept me dangling like a little puppy for the last two years. We shared a lot of kisses and you hinted at something more, but this,” I point to the house where her boyfriend is. “This is the last straw. I’m tired of this shit. I can’t be your fall back person. I deserve so much better than that and I can’t be your friend any longer. You’re a lot of things but you’re not an idiot. Everyone and their freaking mom knows how I feel-no felt about you. After tonight, I’m done.”

She rapidly shakes her head, tears slipping down her cheeks. She’s beautiful even as she cries and I have to look away. My eyes blur with the rapid flow of my tears. “You don’t mean that.”

Inhaling sharply, I turn my head. She’s making it harder than it has to be. We aren’t on the same path any longer, and it’s time for me to pave my own away from her. As children, we were naive to believe our friendship would last forever and at twelve, we were stupid to think kissing meant nothing.

“I do. I can’t be your best friend and watch you date him. It hurts way too much. You’re breaking my heart and if I’m going to get over you, I have to cut all ties.” Her presence crushes me and gives me hope at the same time, and if I want a clear head, she can’t be there hovering over my shoulder. “Look the fact that we were at the same party with different people says it all. You do your thing. It looks like you’ve been doing just fine without me.”

I swivel when she catches my wrist. I snatch it from her grip and glare at her. “Alyvia, please,” I beg. “Let us go then, you and I.” I quote. She drops her arm to her side as tears continue to line her wet cheeks. She recognizes the reference to the T.S. Eliot poem. I chose it as one of my poems during our poetry unit in our English class last month. Even then, I think I knew she was leaving me, going somewhere I couldn’t follow. “Bye.”

She stands there watching me as a walk away, wiping my own tears, realizing for the first time all night how different my life will be without her there beside me to face life’s challenges. For as long as I can recall, she was at my side, defending me when I seriously didn’t deserve it, protecting and comforting me, and loving me.

There’s a diner a few blocks a way. I decide it’s a perfect place to wait. I slide into the booth and order some coffee as I send out a text. My fingers trace patterns on the mug as I stare at the hot liquid. It smells amazing even in my half inebriated state. Luckily, I stopped drinking after the first hour and kept my wits about me, the warnings my parents drilled into me running through my mind.

My phone buzzes and I glance down at the notification from Instagram. The post I made prior to leaving for the party has earned a lot of likes, ordinarily I would find myself stoked, but tonight, social media is the furthest thing on my mind.

I’m tired. Being in love with someone who can’t admit or return your feelings hurts like a bitch. I thought I was prepared for the inevitability of her rejection when we started drifting apart at the end of our sophomore year. I barely heard from her over the summer. She was a camp counselor for two months, and didn’t come back until right before school started.

It hurt to realize that I was like a toy to her. She didn’t want me, but no one else was allowed to have me either. I was done holding onto my childhood notions of love. It was crap.

“Hey,” a familiar silhouette hovers over me, and the corner of my mouth lifts up.

I gesture for him to sit across from me.

He raises a brow when he takes in my appearance. “Why are you dressed like that?”

“Are you going to tell my parents?”

“I don’t know. Should I?” He counters.

I cross my arms, leaning into the vinyl booth. “I went to a frat party with my friends. Before you lecture me about the dangers, just know tonight sucked and I probably won’t be going to any more, probably ever.” I wish I could blame it solely on Alyvia, but it wasn’t my scene. I liked talking to Lily, but the atmosphere of sweaty, drunk people dancing around me as music pulses from all corners wasn’t my idea of fun.

“Why did you call me?

“My parents have sick kids and I figured you’re less likely to yell at me than they are.”

His lips twitch. “You’re probably right about that. Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“Not particularly, I just want to go home. I already texted my friends and told them I won’t be staying with them tonight.”

He nods and stands. He places a few bills on the table to cover my coffee. I could’ve paid for it myself, but my protests die on my lips. He didn’t have to come and grab me at midnight when he has his own family. “Thanks Peter.” I hug his side. “I’m sorry if I woke you.”

“Unlikely, Cami doesn’t like sleeping at night.” I chuckle, the description sounds familiar. Brodie was the same way when he was a helpless baby. He nearly drove all of us to insanity with all of the sleepless nights. “Let’s get you home where your parents can lecture you.”

I grumble intelligibly under my breath. My parents haven’t exactly seen some of my wardrobe choices as of late and as I left my coat at some frat house, there was no way to hide my current outfit. “On a scale of 1-10, how pissed do you think they’ll be?”

“Isla, if you were my daughter, I’d kill you.”

“Yeah, I thought so.” I sigh as he opens the door for me. I shiver as the cold air hits my skin. Before, I had the benefit of the alcohol coursing through my system to keep me from feeling the biting sting of the frigid November air, now I have no more barriers. “Maybe they won’t notice when I sneak in.”

He shakes his head. “I won’t tell them, but maybe you should. You look like you need someone to talk to.”

“Peter did it hurt when my mom broke your heart?” My eyes slam shut as it hits me what I blurted out. “You so don’t have to answer that. It was personal and I was way out of line for thinking it was an appropriate question. I’m just curious, but please ignore me and pretend I didn’t say anything.”

His lips twitch as he starts the car, turning up the heat. “Do I want to know where your coat is?”

“Probably not.”

He nods as he backs out of the parking space. “To answer your question, it did. But I realize that if we hadn’t broken up I wouldn’t have met Lyla. As much as I loved your mother, what I felt for her barely measures up to what I feel for my wife. Did someone break your heart?”

“Like I said I would rather not talk about it.”

The great thing about Peter is that he doesn’t mind silence. He leaves people to their thoughts when they ask. The car glides along the nearly empty streets of Boston, and the smooth motion helps me drift off to sleep.

“Wake up Isla,” Peter says as he pulls into my driveway. “We are here.” He adds as if I didn’t know where I live.

My fingers tighten around the door handle as I stare up at the daunting building. Okay, it wasn’t the house that bothered me, more what lived inside. My parents and I went through a rough patch when I was twelve and it lasted until around the time I started high school. We weren’t on bad terms, however we had our fair share of misunderstandings and conversations about attitudes and appropriate ways to speak to them. They doled out advice about how I could express my frustration, which further entrenched my love of music. “I’m nervous.” I admit to him.

“They’re your parents. I think they’ll care that you’re safe and relatively unhurt. You can live with punishment if it comes to that. It wouldn’t be your first rodeo.”

I chuckle, pushing open the door. “You’re right it wouldn’t be my first trouble on the wrong side of the rules. Thank you for the ride Peter. I owe you a night as Cami’s babysitter. Just call or text when you want to cash it.”

“Good night honey and go easy on them. They love you.”

“Night Peter.”

I close the door softly and firmly and wave as he backs out of my driveway. The porch light is off, unsurprising as Bree and I aren’t expected home. I turn on the flashlight and wave my phone around, kneeling as I search for the spare key. Mine is in my bag situated in the trunk of Emme’s car. My mom changes the location every six months as a precaution, and I likely ignored her the last time she told us the hiding spot.

“Aha!” I whisper shout as my fingers wrap around the cold metal. I push myself off the gound and slide the spare into the locks. They unlock with a click and I enter the darkened house. Shadows play in the dark and I sigh at the familiarity of home.

Peaches darts down from her perch on the bench and winds herself through my legs, rubbing her face against me. I lean down to scratch her head, smiling when she purrs happily. I unfasten my heels and sigh when my feet touch down on the floor. I stretch them out and head into the kitchen for a glass of water. Peaches trails after me, delighted with my return. I barely spent any time with her the last week. She meows when I put a few treats into her bowl. I sit at the kitchen table, sipping my water and crying silently as my mind replays the night’s events over and over. My friendship was over. My heart was broken by the one person I thought would protect and keep it safe.

The night hadn’t turned out the way I expected and brought to light some unpleasant truths. I want it to end, to climb into my bed and throw the duvet over my head to hide from everything. Maybe I could convince my mom homeschooling is a viable option going forth. I laugh to myself thinking how ridiculous that is. My mom is all about resilience and rising from the ashes. 

The light flicks on and I blink blearily, orienting myself to the brightened space. My mom frowns when she spots me. “Isla?” She questions as she moves closer.

“Hey mom,” I croak and then gulp down some more water.

She takes one look at me, her face softening as she pulls at the chair closest to me. “What happened? Why are you crying?”

“Why didn’t you tell me how much a broken heart hurts?”

“Oh…” her face falls as she takes my hands. “That’s something you have to experience for yourself. It’s different for everyone. It’s meaningless when you don’t have the feelings behind it.”

“I do now.”

“Alyvia?”

I nod minutely. “We aren’t friends anymore. I had to do it for my own sanity. Watching her with someone who isn’t me hurts like hell… sorry,” I apologize. She waves it off.

“In the words of Mark Twain, ‘never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option’.” She squeezes my hand and gently tugs me into a standing position. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.”

She seats me on my toilet as she lovingly cleans my face. I probably resemble a raccoon after all the crying. “The great part about hearts is they heal. They’re meant to be broken and there are some people you don’t get over, but you can move on sweetheart. Loving your best friends comes with its’ own set of unique problems. That was the worst part about losing your father both times. He was my best friend and then I didn’t have him there anymore.”

I look up at her and see the story of a strong woman flashing through her eyes. Love was what I saw in movies as a kid. It was easy. There was a date or two and then the couple was in love, or something magical happened and they realized their feelings. Everything sort of fell into place, but maybe that was why movies ended at the happily ever after. Reality sucked. Real love wasn’t anything like how it was portrayed in Hollywood.

My lips are dry. She hands me my chapstick. “I want to hate her. I really do. I feel stupid for falling in love with her.”

“Contrary to popular belief you can’t always choose who you love.”

“That’s advice I could’ve used a long time ago. She stepped all over my heart and then had the fuc-freaking nerve to-to act surprised by it all.” My eyes burn for the umpteenth time. “Why would anyone want to fall in love if there’s a chance it’ll feel like this when it ends?”

She cradles my face and tilts my head to meet her gaze. “Love isn’t easy.” I snort at the massive understatement of the century. “What I mean is it is all about risk. Grabbing happiness before it passes you by, you’ve got to be willing to risk it all. Heartbreak especially a first one is its’ own kind of hell. You don’t have anything to compare it to, and you drive yourself mad thinking of all the things you could’ve done differently. But here’s the truth, things fall apart whether you did things one way or another. You won’t be the same as you were before this, but you’ll pick yourself back up.”

“Have you heard the saying ‘these violent delights have violent ends’?”

I furrow my brow as something niggles at my memory. “Oh the friar in Romeo and Juliet says that to Romeo.” I despised the insipid play when we were required to read it my freshman year. There were some great quotes, but the overall plot left much to be desired. I told my mom and my teacher that Romeo and Juliet were idiots if they believed they were in love and they ruined a lot of people’s lives with their stupidity.

“Yes from one of your least favorite plays. I can say from personal experience that sometimes instant gratification isn’t everything. When you love too fast and too sudden you run the risk of burning out quickly. These things take time and maybe right now it’s not the time for you and Alyvia. You go at your own moderate pace. You’ll figure it out one day.” Mom wisdom is strangely effective. “Give yourself some years to grow and let her grow and if it’s meant to be more, you’ll figure it all out one day.” She does have experience with that type of thing. Her advice hasn’t failed me as of yet.

She brushes the moisture clinging to my lashes. “I love you mom.”

“I love you too Isla bug.” She kisses my forehead. “Also don’t think we won’t be discussing your outfit or your whereabouts tonight.” I groan, dread crawling up my spine. “I’ll talk to your dad about letting you off easy.”

My head shoots up in surprise. “What?”

“Because you’re already going through a tough time and I think you know it was wrong to do whatever you did. Brush your teeth. The underage drinking is something else we will talk about and will be where most of your punishment comes from. Also not so much make-up next time, you're sixteen not thirty.”

That answered my question about her knowing I drank and I roll my eyes over the make-up thing. “Yes ma’am.”

“How did you get home?” She doesn't neglect the particulars. 

“Peter, and he encouraged me to tell the truth. I figured you and dad have had a rough couple of days and didn’t need the added stress of picking up.”

There’s a small smile. “Go get some rest. I’ll make sure to wake you bright and early.”

“Wouldn’t expect anything less,” I retort. “Night mom and thanks.”

“I’m here for you always honey and so is your dad.”

“I know.”

“But seriously thanks for being so thoughtful. Your brother and sister are…” she’s at a loss of words to describe them.

“Exhausting. I didn’t know kids were so much work. I definitely won’t be having any for a long, long, long time.” I wrinkle my nose. Ava and Brodie are cute and sometimes sweet, but I had no idea children were so drippy, sticky, and stinky. The substances that came out of them haunt my nightmares.

She laughs at me and ruffles my hair like she did when I was a kid. “Go cuddle your husband,” I pat down my hair as her laughter echoes down the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I want to tie in what's happening with Isla. Some of the stuff happening with her in this chapter stems from what's happening to her in 2018. You can find the full explanation here: https://jmoonrise.tumblr.com/post/617754014375903232/lets-talk-chapter-45.


	46. Vignettes: Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the format is a little different for this chapter. To cover the month of December, I'm doing a series of vignettes that capture the Fraser holiday season.

  1. ******Morning Coffee**



The pale grey morning light filters into the kitchen skylight. The occupants share secret smiles as they sip their morning beverages, the morning paper sits on the table between them. Their gazes drift to the window where the light drizzle has picked up into something heavier.

“How is yer coffee, Sassenach? Did I make it the way ye like?”

The dark haired woman grins and nods her head as she takes larger sip, the sweet nectar helps to wake her and gives her a much needed energy boost after last night’s activities. “It’s perfect. Honest. You’ve been paying attention.”

“I watch everything ye do.” The red haired man pauses, freezing before wincing as he processes exactly what he said. “That sounded less creepy in my head.”

Her lips curve into a soft smile, one meant solely for him. “I think I’ve said a lot worse to you. I basically implied you got around when we first met.” He chuckles, the sound velvety smooth, filling her insides with warmth as she settles further into her chair. “My brain to mouth filter is worse than yours, so I think I can excuse you for coming off a little stalker-ish.” She giggles, taking a larger gulp of her coffee. “How’s the tea?”

“Delicious. Someone had to put yer kettle to good use.”

She rolls her eyes for him, flipping open the pages of her book, ignoring him as usual when he begins waxing poetic about tea. “My mum used it on occasion. It hardly went to waste and Tom used it whenever he visited.”

“Ye’ve gone really soft and American on me.”

“You’re ridiculous.” She laughs, sliding her foot up his calf. His body jolts as her freezing skin comes into contact with his.

“How do ye manage to have icicles for feet?” He takes the offending appendage and rubs his hands over the ice cold skin. “Why do ye no’ wear socks?”

“I love tucking them between your legs.” She shrugs as she refocuses on her book. “You’re the best blanket, always the perfect temperature.” Her mind drifts to the way her blanket warmed her last night and her body heats with desire she can’t act on.

“I love tucking something else between yer legs.” Pale pink spreads across the apples of her cheeks as she snorts indelicately, unable to believe he said what he did.

“I thought I was the one who made euphemisms.” She stares at him, adoration shining from her brown orbs. She can’t remember a time where she didn’t love him. She may not have admitted it and buried it underneath her other feelings, but she’s always loved him.

He hums as he scans the newspaper. “What time do ye have to go in today?” He was distracted when she told him the previous day. Her lips were painted the most delectable, tempting shade of red and the build up of dinner and their inability to keep their hands to themselves was his undoing. He barely registered anything she said.

“I’m not scheduled to go in until ten. What time are you picking up Isla and Bree?”

“Around nine or so, and then we will go out for breakfast.”

“Have fun shopping with them. They’re indecisive nightmares and will spend hours looking at different items only to purchase the thing they looked at when they first entered the shop.”

“They canna be that bad.”

She raises an eyebrow, inwardly shaking her head. He has no idea what’s coming his way and she almost feels for the man. “Oh Jamie,” she chuckles lowly. “You’ll have bundles of fun.” _Planning their murders._ Claire knows her daughters after shopping with them for a decade. She loves them more than anything on the planet, but taking them gift shopping for someone else is her least favorite thing to do with them.

A comfortable silence stretches between them, the pitter patter of rain is heard in the distance, but neither occupant at the table notices, wrapped up in each other and the cozy atmosphere inside the kitchen.

**2\. Father and Daughters**

A lone figure pushes a doorbell and waits expectantly on the porch, seeking shelter from the rain falling around him. He is a little wet from his jaunt from the car to the door.

The door opens revealing a dark haired teen with sky blue eyes. She smiles before calling the name of the man’s youngest daughter. He sighs in relief that it isn’t her mother who answered.

A girl with two red braids comes dashing down the hall into the arms of the man, dropping her bag and pillow at the door. She snuggles into his chest, giggling merrily as he lifts her off her toes. “Hi daddy,” she greets him enthusiastically, very chipper for the time of day.

He puts a hand on top of her head. His daughter is pure light, which is why they call her sunshine. Her smile could brighten the current grey skies unleashing hell around them. He reaches down and grabs her belongings as she clings to him. She tugs on the hood of her bright colored rain jacket as they descend off the porch and sprint to the car.

He opens the door of his vehicle for her and she slides in, pulling down her hood and shaking out her hair. He goes around to the back of the car and puts her bag and pillow in his trunk before going to the driver’s side. “How was yer sleepover?” He asks, glancing behind him as he backs out of the driveway.

The young girl’s smile dims a smidgen at the question. “It was okay.” She shrugs listlessly.

The father glances warily at his daughter before removing his eyes and focusing his attention on the slick roads in front of him. “Why only okay?” It isn’t the usual response he receives from her. Bree has something to say about everything; since he arrived back in September, every sleepover she’s gone to, she’s had whole speeches to describe them.

She sighs, lifting a shoulder, her gaze drifting to the world outside her window.

“Did something happen?”

Bree stares impassively at her father. “It was fine.” She says flatly, ending the inquisition.

He thinks of her reaction when he arrived to pick her up and wonders if her exuberance to see him has anything to do with what happened at her sleepover. He is discovering she can be as tight lipped as her sister when she doesn’t want to reveal anything. Claire says sometimes he has to distinguish the difference for himself if he should push an issue or let them stew until they eventually spill what is wrong. He decides he’ll give her some time to think it all through and ask later after she’s spent the day with him and her sister.

Ten minutes later, he pulls up in front a red brick home. He pulls out his phone, texting his eldest daughter. She told him her friends have massive crushes on him and think he’s dreamy. They particularly love his accent and she doesn’t want to watch them moon over him, so she would prefer if he remains in the car.

A few minutes later, a figure clad in a bright red rain jacket darts out of the house. She opens the back door, dumping her things in the backseat. She closes the door and then opens the passenger door, sliding into the seat. He waits until he hears the click of the buckle before pulling away from the curb.

“I think I have to apologize.” His brows shoot up in surprise. It is the last thing he was expecting. His daughter while insightful in many ways, often fails to realize when she’s crossed a boundary. “I’m sorry for being inappropriate and well…” she flushes, the dark color contrasting with her pale skin, making her freckles stand out. “Yeah I said things that aren’t any of my business and I know I have to apologize to mom for blowing her off the way I did.”

He had planned to have the conversation with her later when her sister wasn’t around to pry and ask questions, however he takes a peek at his younger daughter and she’s asleep, head leaning against the cool window, drool pooling around her lips.

“That’s very big of ye.”

“Yes, but Lyv’s mom also kind of heard parts of the conversation and she made me talk to her. We had a good long _talk_.” He has had a lot of chats with the woman and she’s definitely not the kind to let any poor behavior slide even if it isn’t her own child. He has watched her scold Isla on a few occasions when she rightly deserved it. “You didn’t deserve what I said, and while I like all these developments between you and mom, it isn’t really any of my business what you guys do with your alone time.”

“I’m proud of ye for saying that. We are still going to have our own talk later about it, but for now I’ll accept yer apology.”

The preteen sighs, the sound filling the car. She isn’t shocked the discussion is being tabled for a later time. Her parents rarely let anything go and getting away with anything these days is harder than it used to be. If it isn’t her mom, it’s her dad. “Okay.”

**3\. Special People**

She waves at her dad, promising she’ll text him when she gets to her final destination. She walks through the familiar halls, having spent all of her formative years in one way or another between these walls. She could walk them with her eyes closed and she knows where she’s going without asking for help.

Her eyes land on her target and before she knows it, her legs are moving on their own. “Isla?”

“Hi,” she tucks a strand of hair between her ear, feeling shy. It seemed like a good idea when they were at the mall, but now she’s uncertain about the reception she’ll receive. “Are you busy?”

“For you? Never.”

They head to the cafeteria where she gets a juice and then they find a table away from other people. “So what brings you by?”

She shifts nervously in her seat, her eyes flicking away briefly. “I brought you something.” She pulls a bright, carefully wrapped package and sets it on the table. “I saw it and…” she shrugs. “Open it.” She hastens him, wanting to get this over with.

“Wow…” inside is a silver picture frame filled with a photograph of two figures playing catch, one a red haired little girl with sweat and dirt smudged into her face and the other a blond haired man with the cheesiest smile adorning his face as he gazes proudly at the small girl. “This is-“ he cuts himself off, choked up with emotion, his sea green eyes pool with tears. “Thank you.”

She lowers her eyes, giving him a moment to collect himself. She didn’t think her gift would make him cry and she’s worried she made the wrong decision until he thanks her. “Really? You like it?” She hates how young and vulnerable it makes her sound when she asks, but she felt insecure purchasing it with the way things are.

He’s quick to answer. “Yes, I wasn’t expecting anything.”

She deflates for a second. It’s strange as he’s been someone she’s given gifts to for the last several years. “Bree is waiting until closer to Christmas to give hers to you. I wanted mine to be a moment for us. I know things are kind of…” she trails off as she tries to think of a word to describe how things have been recently. “Uncertain. But Peter, I-I- you’ve been a huge part of my life and I don’t want to lose you. Playing catch with you on hot afternoons and then going out for ice cream after are some of my favorite memories. I know I was bratty sometimes and could be standoffish, but you always listened to me. You didn’t hold any of that against me.”

Peter’s lips tip into a smile. He loves Isla and her sister as if they were his own daughters. He never tried to replace their father, but he did do everything he could to be there for them. “You’re a good kid.” He starts. “A lot of kids struggle when their parents start dating again. I know things between your mom and I didn’t work out, but I’ll always be there for you if you need me.”

When she grins, he sees echoes of the eight year old he met all those years ago. She’s a little older now, however she’s the same girl who took the lead with him on their first hike. She has the same laugh and smile, and she still has the same propensity for trouble. “I know. I’m going to hold you to that. You’ll be my first call if I ever get arrested.”

His loud, throaty guffaws help erase any doubts she made a bad decision. She has missed Peter in the last two months. It’s one of the longest times she’s gone without seeing him since they met. He did send her a birthday text and mailed a card with money tucked neatly inside, but it wasn’t the same as when he had been there for her birthdays in the past. It was different and something was missing, next year she thinks she’ll try to find a way to include him.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you did find yourself on the wrong side of the law one day.”

She is scandalized and puts a hand to her heart. “I would never.” The giggle at the end ruins the effect. “Okay so maybe it’s possible, but it wouldn’t be my fault.”

“Sure… sure, except I know you.”

She bites back a smile. “Maybe,” she demurs.

“So tell me about the fight you got into? Was it Addie?”

This is why she adores Peter. He doesn’t miss a thing. “Oh you heard about that?” He fixes her with a look. “I totally didn’t start it.”

She spends the next hour before he has to report to the OR filling him on the details of her life. He is a great listener and asks all the right questions. “Alright kiddo,” he glances at his phone. “I’ve got to go, but don’t be a stranger. You’re gift should be on its’ way to your house and tell your sister hi for me.”

Isla throws her arms around him, hugging him tightly, a few tears leaking from her eyes. She brushes them away hastily as she pulls back. “Bye Peter. I’ll see you later?”

“Definitely, we’ll even toss the ball when it gets warmer out and I’ll take you out for ice cream afterward.”

“Deal.”

They part ways. He heads for the OR and she goes to her mom’s office.

**4\. Give No Fucks (A.K.A. when a home wrecker can’t get over rejection)**

“I am sorry again mom,” a young girl apologizes as her mother opens the door for her. She rushes inside to escape the cold and rain, rubbing her cold, red hands as her mother comes in right after her. “It was disrespectful and you raised me better than that.”

The mother ruffles her daughter’s hair when she lowers her hood. “It’s okay sweetheart. I mean not the way you spoke to me like I was one of your friends because yeah that crossed far too many lines and we don’t have that kind of relationship where I would be alright with you speaking to me about…private things.” The girl’s face heats up at the allusion to what her parents do on their own time. It is one thing to voice it and another entirely to know they do those sorts of things and she does unfortunately know they do things of a- uh private nature. Sadly, the mental bleach has failed to completely erase the images.

“I-“

The mother holds her hand up, halting another stream of her daughter’s apologies. “However misguided your thinking is and despite how way out of line you were, I’m not angry. I was last night, but I’ve had time to cool off.”

The red head blanches at her mother’s words. She wrinkles her nose as her mind tries to dispel thoughts of what caused her mother’s complete 180. She’s heard the stories from her friends about their own parents and she would rather not know, though she’s for a strong idea of why her mom is so relaxed. “Fine, fine.”

“How many?” The hostess asks when they reach the front of the line.

“Two,” the dark haired woman replies.

The hostess’ gaze turns to her tablet, searching for a table. “Ah, here we go.”

A waitress comes over and directs them to their table. “Can I get you anything to drink?”

“Water,” they answer simultaneously, sharing matching grins.

“Okay, I’ll be right back with your orders.”

Mother and daughter look over their menus, each debating over what they’re in the mood for today. It is an impromptu dinner of sorts. The mother was surprised to find her daughter in her office after she finished her last surgery of the day and saw her patient to post-op. Isla explained her presence at the hospital and how she got there, then went on to apologize effusively for ignoring her calls and texts and then the things she said during their FaceTime call. 

Claire hadn’t expected the diatribe, nor the long-winded apology. Apparently her daughter was on an apology tour after she had asked her dad for forgiveness for her out of line behavior when he picked her up earlier that day. The mother asked her daughter if she wanted to go out for dinner the two of them and Isla rarely turned down food.

When their server returned, they placed their orders.

Isla sips her water, her phone off to the side. Claire hasn’t seen the phone unattached from her daughter’s hand in ages and she wants to take advantage of the opportunity. “So are you planning to go out for softball?”

The girl shrugs. She has put some thought into it, but she doesn’t think she’s in good enough shape. Her stamina is terrible and her leg aches on occasion. In the last few months, she lost a lot of muscle mass, which she needs to regain and going out for her school’s ultra selective softball team would result in failure. “I don’t think I will this year. I want to work on regaining my skills. My pitching is probably terrible and I can barely run more than five minutes without huffing and puffing. I was actually thinking of auditioning for the spring show.”

Claire is taken aback. Isla is a talented musician, but she’s never expressed interest beyond playing her instruments. “Like for a role?”

“Yeah, I know how to sing on pitch and I like my drama class. Ms. Sullivan was the one who suggested it actually. Aside from music lessons, I haven’t really had much to do. It could be fun.”

“Hey, I’ll support you in whatever you want to do.” She doesn’t want her children to think she’ll clip their wings. Their choices are their own unless it’s something potentially life threatening or illegal. This is harmless and she’s proud of her daughter for branching out of her comfort zone. Isla had been involved in sports since she joined her first T-ball team when she was four and even before that she started ballet, which she promptly quit when she was nine, citing she wasn’t into it and she hated the other girls at her studio as the reason.

Isla swirls her straw in her water, watching as the ice cubes move around, clanking against each other. “I mean yeah the surgery was great, but I might not be as good as I was before and I want to see if I can get back to where I was. It would be nice to do something though, not that there’s anything wrong with spending oodles of time at home, but like yeah there really is something that kills the spirit when you spend most of your time at home. It already sucked when I couldn’t do anything and hobbled around on crutches everywhere, but I can walk and there’s no limp.”

“I know honey,” the last six months have been hard on her daughter and she’s dealt with a lot of change in a short period. “I think it’s great you want to do something new.”

“It’s a joint production between our school and our brother school. We’re doing the Seussical, which should be fun.”

“You did love Dr. Seuss when you were a kid. I think _One fish, Two fish, Red fish, Blue fish_ was one of the first books you read. You were very proud of yourself at three.”

“As I should be,” Isla jokes haughtily, her lips twitching. “So does dad know about his surprise?”

They share a smile. “No, he doesn’t suspect at all. You haven’t told Bree have you?”

Isla snorts. “Tell Bree, tell everyone. She’s terrible at keeping other people’s secrets.”

“Good,” her mother murmurs. “It’ll be a surprise for her too.”

“I’m so hyped. This is going to be the best holiday season ever.”

Dinner is light and fun as mother and daughter connect. They haven’t had much time to do anything together in the last few weeks and their relationship has been somewhat on the tempestuous side as they battled out their differences. As they depart, Claire wraps an arm around her daughters shoulders, softly kissing her forehead. “I love you.”

Isla grins up at her. “I love you too. Let’s blow this popsicle stand.” She leans into her mom’s side as they make their way out of the restaurant.The rain ceases for the time being, so they take their time walking back to the car, enjoying the cool, fresh air left behind.

“Can we stop for ice cream?” Claire stares incredulously at her daughter, gesturing to their surroundings as explanation. “It’s not like we’ve never eaten ice cream in the winter.” Her daughter has her there. “We can go to the shop that’s not too far from home.”

“You’re a little sweet talker.”

“Not about everything,” the girl mumbles as they reach the car.

Claire frowns at her daughter’s sudden sullen state. She is clueless about the brisk change in her demeanor, hesitating to voice her concerns or ask questions. Isla would sooner close herself off than respond to a series of prying questions. The mother decides if her daughter wants her to know, she’ll tell her eventually.

Arriving fifteen minutes later to their favorite ice cream place, Claire can’t help but smile at her daughter’s idea. She has lots of memories, all good of her coming with her children over the years. She recalls fondly chocolate covered faces, sticky hands, and seemingly endless sugar rushes. Sometimes she finds herself yearning for the time when her daughters were small.

Isla goes first, selecting her favorite mint chocolate chip. Claire steps up to the counter, choosing chocolate fudge as her selection this time. She’s been craving chocolate all day.

They choose a small table over by the window. “How was shopping with your dad? You never mentioned how it went.”

Snorts and chortles fill the air between them as Isla clutches her aching sides. Her dad hated the whole experience, fed up with their indecisiveness. “If you ask dad, he’ll say long and tortuous. He was so irritated by the end of the trip that he didn’t talk to us the whole way home and we tried to initiate conversation lots of times. He didn’t take the bait.”

Claire suspected his day would turn out like that. She considered warning him, but ultimately decided it would be a lot more fun for him to discover it on his own. “He was pretty excited when he left this morning.”

“I can confirm he wasn’t when we were done shopping. He would pace, angrily mutter, mumble a few choice words, and then pace again. He was on edge when Bree and I would settle on something, then change our minds at the last second.”

“I’m familiar with the routine by now.”

“Dad wasn’t.” She cackles.

“YOU!!!”

Mother and daughter jump, startled by the loud shrieking. It was a woman’s voice. It sounded familiar, but Claire can’t quite place where she’s heard it. She swivels her head in the direction of the voice, closing her eyes with a deep sigh when she spots who it is. _Damn_.

“You fucking bitch!” A woman stalks angrily over to their table.

The other patrons stare wide eyed, watching the spectacle.

Isla looks over at her mother, her brows pinching together. She doesn’t know the woman and can’t fathom why she would be accosting her mother in an ice cream shop.

“You stole him from me and I bet it was you who reported me for inappropriate conduct. I got fired.”

“Hardly seems my fault if you did. If your HR department substantiated the claims against you, then that is an issue you should’ve taken up with them. I had nothing to do with it.”

“Don’t try that holier than thou, righteous shit with me. You were just a jealous cunt who was upset because your husband desired someone else.”

The young girl’s eyes pop open, widening dramatically, her eyes darting between her mother and the raging lunatic. Was the woman talking about her dad?

“Look you’re making a scene. I haven’t seen you in nearly a decade and honestly hoped to never again.” She adds the last part under her breath. “You’re barking up the wrong tree. I haven’t given you a passing thought since that May. You’re a cheap tart who craves other women’s men and then throws a fit when they realize that the petri dish between your legs isn’t worth ruining their marriages.” Claire manages to contain her rage, barely, but she doesn’t want to say anything she might regret later in front of her daughter.

“Just because you couldn’t please you-“

“I would shut your mouth while you’re ahead.” Claire hisses through clenched teeth. “You spread lies like your legs, and apparently nothing has changed in nine years. You’re delusional and should seek professional help.”

“FUCK YOU!!” She screeches, her face distorting horribly, and for such a beautiful woman, she’s really ugly. “If you hadn’t lost that baby, he would’ve left you a lot sooner.”

Claire’s cheek twitches as her daughter winces. She doesn’t understand everything happening, but Isla can deduce facts from what’s been said. She refuses to let some hag talk to her mother like that. “Why don’t you shut up?”

For the first time since the woman walked over to their table, her gaze moves off of Claire to the petite girl sitting across from her. “Oh it’s the one you used to trap him.”

Isla furiously bristles at the extremely biased retelling of her parents’ history. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Look just because you’re desperate and bitter in your middle age, doesn’t mean you can take it out on my mother. My dad clearly had good enough sense to drop your ass when he realized how CRAZY you are.”

“She’s got a mouth on her. You’ve clearly brainwashed her like you did Jamie.”

“She didn’t do anything. Keep my dad’s name out of your disgusting, home wrecking mouth. I mean if you’re still this disgruntled after all these years, you must have a pretty crap life. Let me guess you can’t get your own man and you already failed to steal a good one or several, so now you’re some dissatisfied harpy who gets off on making other people miserable. Get a life. My parents are back together and have moved on from you and all your ratchetness. Learn some decorum before running your mouth.” Isla glares at the woman, her eyes frozen glaciers.

The woman’s face morphs from shock to burning hate, and Isla feels good for putting this woman in her place. She considers asking her dad about who this woman is, but one look at her mother says it wouldn’t be a good idea to remind him of this chapter in their history.

“Britney, why don’t you just go? I’ve done nothing wrong. If you lost your job, that’s on you. I didn’t steal Jamie because he was always mine. He rejected you because he didn’t want you and saw your insanity a mile away. Now if you’ll kindly move along.” Claire dismisses her.

It’s just as well as the owner has her removed and apologizes to Claire for what happened. She waves him off with a smile. They have been frequent visitors over the years and she even stitched him after he sliced open his hand.

Isla bounces excitedly when they exit twenty minutes later with two pints of free ice cream for her dad and sister. “That was so awesome mom. Like you’re the coolest.”

“Let’s not tell your dad and I’ll ignore your language. Deal?”

“Deal!” She exclaims jovially, skipping next to her mom. “That take down was the coolest and her face was all red and splotchy. Seriously what did dad see in her? She’s a few french fries short of a happy meal.”

“I don’t know. We were going through a rough patch at the time and she was there. He realized his mistake, but…”

“It was too late.” The girl’s face falls as some of the picture clears up. “Well I’m glad you finally got to say something to her about her disgusting behavior. Did she really go after other married men?”

Claire wasn’t particularly close to the wives of the men her husband worked with, but she had met them at the company’s summer picnics. They gave her all the gossip about Britney and how she moved through men. They warned her to watch her around her husband. She sometimes wished she had heeded their advice, but things work out the way their supposed to and it was all part of their journey.

“Let’s just say she has a thing for married men.”

“Probably has daddy issues and learned a thing or two from her mom.”

“How do you even know something like that?”

“I watch a lot of _Law and Order_.” Claire rolls her eyes. “And they talk a lot about M.O.s and psychology stuff.” Her mother snorts at that. “She’ll probably be alone forever because she’s got crazy all over her.”

“That I can agree with.” She squeezes her daughter’s shoulder. “How about we get this ice cream home and have a movie night? You did finish all of your homework?”

“Ugh, yes _m-om,_ and there’s still Sunday if I didn’t. Besides it’s the last week before break.”

“Which means you definitely should make sure all of your work is done. You don’t want to leave anything unfinished before you go on break.”

“Yeah, yeah, did nana nag you this much when you were my age?”

“Worse.” Claire cracks a smile. “Come on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty sure at least one of you if not more requested a confrontation between Claire and Britney. I hope you liked it.  
> It was strange to write a chapter like this, but it was also interesting. The next chapter will cover the actual holidays and will jump around a lot.
> 
> Also you'll find out what the totally awesome surprise is for Jamie. 
> 
> What's the best surprise you've ever received?  
> Probably when I came home from my eighth birthday part and discovered a new bike waiting for me on my porch.


	47. Vignettes: Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's going to be a part 3 to conclude this. The remaining ones are a bit shorter, well I hope. In my head, I think they will be.

**5\. Falls, Surprises (And Your Girlfriend Neglecting to Mention a Few Things)**

If it wasn’t for the creaking of wood under shifting weight, there would be no indication of anyone walking around the house. The figure peers up and down the hall before opening a door, closing the door with a silent click.

The occupant of the room stares strangely at the visitor, not expecting anyone to enter. “What’s with all the secret spy stuff?” The girl startles her sister who had her back to her as she listened outside for their parents. She sighs with relief when she hears no one coming to check on them. She has the best story to relay to her sister and can’t risk her dad overhearing.

The older of the two rushes over to her younger sister, an almost frightening smile taking up residence on her face. Her sister leans back, slightly terrified about why her older sister has that peculiar expression. She wasn’t the type to display giddiness, but she vibrates with it.

“I’ve got tea for you.”

A grin forms on the young girl’s face. She does in fact love a good tea sharing session and without school in session, it’s going to be a few weeks before she hears any juicy gossip from her peers. “What is it?” She leans forward on her knees, eyes alight with mischief. “Tell me, tell me,” she pleads as her sister smirks.

“Okay, settle down,” she says as she sits down next to her little sister. “So you know how mom and I went out to dinner last week, right?” The girl nods, gesturing for her sister to hurry up and get to the good part. “So then we went out for ice cream, which you also know. What you don’t know is how freaking awesome mom is.”

Bree is taken aback by the veracity of her sister’s statement. As of late, neither her sister nor her mom have gotten on too well with each other. They find one thing or another to disagree about, usually resulting in Isla stomping her way up to her room, punctuating the finality of their argument with a slam of her door. The slam usually results in their mother storming up the stairs after her, leading to another heated argument. It’s why the last week was strange. She hadn’t noticed the relative silence surrounding her home. Without her mom and sister fighting at least once this week, there’s been peace around their home. It is unusual to say the least.

“What did she do?” She’s eager to know what could have her sister cheering for their mother.

“So this woman shouts at her all ‘YOU!’ Mom turns around and it was like nothing I had seen from her before. She was so pissed. If looks could kill that woman would totally be dead. Mom gave that woman the verbal smackdown of her life. Like that takedown was epic and should’ve been recorded for posterity. I hope someone posted it on the Internet.” Bree clears her throat. “Anyway, her clapbacks were so on point, and I was beyond proud of her for it.”

“What did she say to her?” She is on the edge of her seat, figuratively speaking anyway. The ten year old can’t imagine her mother verbally attacking someone in public. It isn’t that she’s not capable of it, she just doesn’t like to make a scene.

When they were young children throwing tantrums in the grocery store, instead of giving into them, she left the groceries there, and carted them off to the car. She refused to give into them.

The twelve year old bites her lip, debating whether the content is appropriate for her younger, impressionable sister. While she’s quick as a whip, she doesn’t think her parents would appreciate her sharing all of the details. Her mother did compare a woman’s vagina to a petri dish. She’s old enough to figure out exactly what she was implying, but she doesn’t think her sister would understand the reference. 

“Let’s just say this woman has history with mom and dad. You know what a home wrecker is right?” Bree nods, confusion marring her features. What did a home wrecker have to do with their parents? “Apparently this chick is like a known one around dad’s old place of work, and she sunk her claws into him because he’s a stupid boy. She’s one of those women with issues and likes them married.”

Bree makes a face. She knows about those kind of women. Her friend Abby’s dad left her mom for another woman, his assistant and her mom’s best friend. Abby hasn’t seen her dad in a year and her mom refuses to talk about him, acting as if he’s dead to her. “Like Abby?”

“Yeah something like that, so she comes up to mom and basically says she turned dad against her and it was all her fault they didn’t together as if this woman wasn’t delusional as hell. I mean she was seriously crackers, spouting a lot of ridiculous stuff. Emme told me some women, not the word she used, but some of them can’t take a hint. I think her name was like Bethany or Brenda or something with a B, totally basic, kind of funny since she was a total b word too.”

Bree covers her mouth to hide her giggles. She won’t tell her sister this, but she’s reminding her an awful lot of their mother with her babbling.

“So she’s calling mom an effing b and the whole place is like dead silent because people are nosy and can’t help themselves. Like literally everyone in the shop is watching this woman make a scene. Like apparently she lost her job not long after whatever drama happened between her and dad and so she’s blaming mom as if mom has given that tart a single thought.” Isla scoffs at the very idea of her mom’s thoughts lingering on her over the years. She was barely worth the words her mom used on her. “Mom may have- no she totally did in the most amazing freaking way possible implied she was a slut who failed to steal other women’s husbands.”

The younger girl is gobsmacked, her mouth falling open, as her eyes widen comically. She can’t picture this at all and if it wasn’t for her sister’s exuberant retelling, she would think the other girl made the whole thing up. “Wow!”

“Yeah, I know.” Isla grins. “Crazy doesn’t like that very much and let me tell you when she’s all angry, she’s really ugly. Her personality already takes away from any attractiveness she did have and her anger further mars it. Then she tries to go after mom again and mom shut her down. She cut her off and told her how it is. I’ll tell you all the really juicy stuff when you’re older. Then mom tells her she needs to get therapy because she’s a legit psycho.” Bree has to agree. Normal people don’t yell at other people in public for stuff that happened forever ago. “But here’s where I stepped in, so she’s starts swearing and tells mom if she hadn’t lost the baby, dad would’ve left her.”

Bree gasps dramatically. “No!”

“Yes!”

“What a horrible woman!” The woman had a lot of nerve to mention such a personal tragedy like that in public.

“I know! So I call her out for her behavior and told her dad clearly had the good enough sense to drop her ass for being crazy!”

“Good!”

There’s a creak outside the door, both sisters frown turning towards the door. Isla glances at her sister and shrugs.

“She accuses mom of brainwashing me like she did dad.” Isla rolls her eyes at the absurdity of the accusation. She’s twelve, not five, and is perfectly capable of forming her own opinions about people. “I told her to keep dad’s name out of her home wrecking mouth.” She snorts. “I called her ratchet and told her to get some manners and to rub salt into her wounds informed of mom and dad’s relationship.” Her smile grows larger. “At this point, she’s seething. Her face is so red and all splotchy, she should see a doctor about that. Finally mom just dismisses her like she’s nothing. It was the coolest thing.”

Bree is envious her sister bore witness to all of that. She’s never around when all of the fun stuff goes down. She pouts at her sister. “No fair! I wish I could’ve seen it.”

Isla pats her sister’s head. “You missed a good one, kid.” Her voice is mocking and Bree doesn’t appreciate it at all.

“Get out.” She orders and Isla obliges, her tinkling laughter echoing behind her.

The younger girl decides she wants some hot chocolate to cheer herself up. She grabs her blanket, throwing it over her head as she makes her way out of her bedroom. The house is familiar to her after all she’s lived here basically her entire life, so she doesn’t need to see anything.

Her sister’s footsteps sound behind her, but she doesn’t hear them on the stairs. “What are you doing?”

“Getting hot chocolate.”

“Are you seriously mad about this?”

“It’s not fa-“ her foot catches on her blanket and she slides down the last five or so steps. She lays in a heap at the bottom as her sister laughs at the top. Her snorts of laughter are annoying and she wants to shove her fist down her throat. She could be injured for all her sister knows. She gets up, only to fall down again when she runs smack dab into the wall. Isla laughs harder, her laughs transitioning into chortles after watching her sister fall down the stairs and running into a wall. She falls to her knees, wiping tears from her eyes. She wishes she had the forethought to have her phone so she could’ve recorded the whole thing.

Bree stays there, stewing in her hate for her sister who she totally blames for this incident. “SHUT UP!!!”

This only sets off Isla even more. Bree growls, throwing the blanket off her head and storming off to the kitchen. She slams doors to cabinets and closes the fridge with a little too much force. Luckily, the noises don’t bring her parents down to check up on her.

Isla leans against the entrance to the kitchen, watching with amusement as her sister moves around the kitchen. She rarely sees the spitfire version of her sister and likes when she gets all riled up. “Stop being so dramatic already. You would’ve laughed at me if I had done the same thing.”

Which is true. Bree has laughed at her sister for less. “Still,” she grumbles stubbornly.

The almost teenager waves off her sister. “You’ll live.” She retorts dryly. Honestly, her mom calls her the drama queen, but her sister is kicking things up to a different level. “Anyway, what’s up with you lately? You’ve been a little short tempered.”

“Nothing.” Bree dismisses instantly, piquing her sister’s curiosity.

“So something,” she surmises.

“What do you care?”

“You’re my sister.”

“You can’t help with i-“

A knock on the door interrupts her. She casts a look at her sister who is positively delighted. She rushes out of the room, her sister hot on her heels, and throws open the door with a loud squeal. “You’re here!!!” She wraps her arms around a dark haired figure.

Belatedly Bree realizes she does in fact recognize the person holding her sister. She screams excitedly, tackling the woman in a hug. “Aunt Jenny!!” She exclaims jovially. “What are you doing here?”

“To spend the holidays with ye.”

“Seriously?!!!” She bounces on her heels, unable to contain her enthusiasm. She peers around her aunt when she hears the closing of several car doors and takes off down the walkway to hug her cousins, her cousins who have never been to her house ever.

Isla shakes her head at her sister. “Mom and dad are upstairs. I think there was some last minute wrapping or whatever.” She waves her hand in the general direction. “It’s the door at the end of the hall. You really can’t miss it. My door has an I, Bree’s has a bee on it.”

Two minutes later, there are shrieks and screams coming from upstairs. Isla pounds up the stairs to her mom’s bedroom. Her aunt stands in the hallway, hand plastered over her eyes, and white as a sheet. “Aunt Jenny?” She calls tentatively. “Everything okay?”

Her aunt uncovers her eyes and Isla groans. She knows what that look means. “Ugh, seriously? The middle of the day, gross. Come on, Bree was making hot chocolate. We’ll let them… yeah, let’s go.”

Inside her bedroom, Claire buries her red face in her hands. She can never look Jenny in the face again. This is the second time she’s caught her going down on her brother. At this point, she doesn’t know if she can give him a blowjob without worrying if anyone is going to interrupt. Their recent track record is less than stellar.

Jamie zips up his fly and tucks in his shirt. “So why is Janet here?”

“I was going to surprise you. Turns out we both received a surprise,” she chuckles humorlessly.

This was humiliating. Jenny texted an hour ago when they landed and she believed they had more time with all of the holiday traffic, apparently luck wasn’t in their favor.

The universe is punishing her for something she is sure. “And here I was trying to give your candy cane a good lick… or suck.” She huffs, pushing her loose hair out of her face.

“It is fine, Claire.”

“Really? Because I don’t know how I’ll look at your sister again.”

“Ye did fine last time.”

She grimaces. “It took me like four months and her even longer.”

“It’ll be fine. Dinna think I canna recognize a distraction either.”

Claire blinks innocently at him. He wags his finger, gathering her into his arms. “I kent ye dinna want to tell me the full story I overheard Isla telling her sister.”

She sputters incoherently. “Wh-what- no that’s not- I just wanted to play with my favorite stocking stuffer.”

He buries his face in her neck, his body shaking with silent laughter. He loves this woman and all of her ridiculousness. “Come on, let’s go enjoy the surprise and ye can explain how ye planned it all, and later Santa can ye show ye his special something in his sack.”

**6\. Demon Cats, Nosy Sisters, and Way Too Many Females**

Between his apartment and her house, they worked out sleeping arrangements for the visiting Murray clan. The boys stay with Jenny and Ian at his place, while the girls stay up into the late hours, giggling all night long at Claire’s.

It’s Christmas morning and he barely got any sleep. The lasses refused to settled down until well after midnight and they had waited to set up presents. Their daughters may not believe in Santa Claus, but it didn’t mean he was going to put their gifts out before Christmas.

He turns to his snoozing girlfriend, watching the gentle rise and fall of her chest. He is blessed.

She started planning his Christmas surprise a few months ago with his sister. She wanted him to have some of his traditions and his family during the holidays. He had moved across an entire ocean for him, and she wanted to do something for him. He has no words to describe how much he loves her.

Her eyes scrunch and he watches closely as her they flutter open. Brown meets blue. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“Happy Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas,” she corrects.

“Ye’re a wee smartass, did ye ken?”

She grins merrily at him, pecking him on the lips. “I try.”

“Christ, our first Christmas back together.”

She reaches back for her phone to look at the time. “Jenny should be over soon to start on breakfast. I figure the kids will sleep a little longer. They were up half the night.”

He loves his nieces and his daughters, but he can’t for the life of him figure out what they had to giggle about at 2am. “Ye’re a female?”

Her eyes narrow. “You happen to love me that way. Where are you going with this?”

“Weel, what is ye females chatter about that keep ye so giddy?”

Claire rolls out of bed with a roll of her eyes. “Jamie, you should know by now females like to keep a little mystery. We can’t reveal all of our secrets.”

“Ye’re sound like our daughters. Did ye ken Isla called me a stupid boy?” She snorts, covering it up with a cough. “Can ye believe it?”

She could. To Isla, all boys are stupid. “She’s twelve.” She answers around her toothbrush.

“Still, she’s cynical.”

Claire spits. “Yes, she is. To be fair, girls typically mature before boys. She didn’t mean anything by it. She was quick to realize something wasn’t adding up with that she-demon and then it clicked.”

“I still canna believe ye dinna tell me.”

“I was embarrassed.” It was mortifying to have someone air out age old business in front of strangers. None of them hid their interest either. “I didn’t want you to know what I said to her.”

“The petri dish is my favorite. I wish I could’ve seen her face.”

“Isla relished in the whole thing. She’s got good instincts. Although I wish she would curb her language a little more, but I won’t hold my breath. I suspect she says worse when we aren’t around.” She tidies up her hair with a few strokes of her brush. “Now come on lazy bones, we’ve got to get the breakfast casserole in the oven.”

He follows after her and the two of them make their way down to the kitchen. She starts pulling out the casserole pans. She mixed all the ingredients last night with his sister and then stored it overnight in the fridge. “Those nephews of yours know how to put away food. Isla and Bree consume a lot, but geez they don’t eat me out of house and home.” She preheats the oven. “We’ll wait to start on the hash browns and the bacon. The cinnamon rolls will go in while the casseroles are cooling.”

He tugs her into his arms, hands placed on her waist. “I love ye.”

“I love you too,” she smiles. She strokes his face. “You’re the best gift I could’ve gotten this year. I hope you know that.”

“Same for me Sassenach, ye’ve made me realize I was living half a life without ye.” She lays her head on his chest and they softly sway to the Christmas music playing from the radio. He kisses her hair as they moved around the kitchen, parting when the oven beeps.

The front door opens, bringing with it the rest of the Murray clan. “Happy Christmas Jamie,” Jenny hugs him. “Did ye get all yer presents?”

She hasn’t let it go. He loves his sister. He really does. But he also wouldn’t mind throttling Janet Fraser Murray either. “We are not deviants.” He huffs. She somehow has gotten the impression that he and Claire have nothing better to do than have sex.

“That’s no’ what I’ve heard.”

“From who?”

“Sources.”

“Who would share such a thing with ye and why does it concern ye?”

“It’s just that ye’ve barely had time to call in the last two months and that coincides with ye’re reunion with Claire an-“

“And nothing. It is none of yer business Janet. Ye need to learn to leave well enough alone. What I do with my- with Claire, that’s my business, no’ yers.”

She crosses her arms. “Ye dinna share anything about yer relationship with me.”

“I wasn’t aware I had to. I am an adult.”

“I’m yer sister.”

“Exactly. Ye’re not entitled to be privy to every sordid detail of my life. Now Claire was waiting for ye to help in the kitchen. I’ll go wake the lasses.”

She flips him off as she makes her way to the kitchen, muttering under her breath about ‘stubborn brothers’. He ignores his grumbling as he tries to think of who gave him sister the details of what he and Claire have been doing the last couple of months. Some of their friends had made an appearance the last few days, and he had seen his sister chatting them up. He couldn’t rule out his daughter either

Maggie and Kitty are nestled in the guest bedroom. “Time to get up,” his hand raps against the door. He hears their groans and protests. “Ye’re the ones who stayed up long into the night.

He moves across the hall. Janet is in Bree’s bed, spread out like a starfish. “Janet,” he calls softly. She tucks her head under the pillow. “It’s time to get up. Yer parents are here and there are presents to be opened.” He doesn’t wait for her reaction before heading to Isla’s room.

His heart melts when he sees them curled up together. In their sleep, they appear younger and feels a pang in his heart. He sits on the edge of the bed, shaking his daughters. “What?” Isla mutters, burrowing her head into her sister’s.

“Go away Daddy,” Bree shoes him with a tired wave.

There’s a melancholic smile lining his lips. He has a few Christmases left with them like this. Isla is already 12 going 20 and it won’t be long before she’s off into the world.

“Afraid I canna do that. It’s time to get up.”

“WHYYYY?” They whine.

“Because it is time for ye to spend time with yer family and it isna our fault if ye stayed up all night.”

Bree’s head darts up, curly locks flying everywhere. “But daddddyyyy, I want to sleep.”

“Tough.”

“Ugh,” Isla growls. “Fine, fine we’ll be down.” He hears the displeasure and smothers a grin. While the nature of their relationship is undoubtedly changing as they age, he’s just getting a different picture of them.

Ten minutes later, the frenzy begins. Jamie can barely keep any of it straight as paper goes flying and squeals of joy are heard. He has no idea who has received what as the voices talk over each other. The adults stand back and watch the madness unfold. None of them willing to lift a finger.

Of course everything is bound to end in disaster when there’s a ginger demon roaming about, causing mayhem. “Fuck,” Claire shouts when she returns to the kitchen. On the counter is her devious cat who has managed to claw away the foil covering one of the casseroles and is eating directly from the pain. “ISLA!!!”

Jamie suspects this is new normal. Cats eating their food, children running about, and watching all of the changes unfold in his daughters. He doesn't mind giving up his portion of the casserole if it means more mornings like this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll 'see' you guys Monday.
> 
> Also that falling down the stairs is a true story. It happened to my sister. I was standing at the top and she had her blanket over her head as she went down. She slipped and fell like the last 5 or so steps. Instead of removing the blanket, she gets up, thinking the wall is farther than it is (can’t say how since it was like two feet in front of the stairs) and runs smack dab into it. I laughed so hard and so did she. I think this was like 10 years ago, not that I wouldn’t laugh now at 24. I’m mature but not that mature lol


	48. Vignettes Pt. 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last of the vignettes and after this we will be jumping ahead a few months. I'm so excited!!

**7\. Cheers to Getting It Right**

Two women sit at a cafe, each lost in their own thoughts, content with the silence between them. The younger of the two eyes the older, lowering her gaze when her longtime friend catches her eye. She has a fairly good idea why her friend has asked to meet up for lunch.

They’ve had a few conversations over the phone in the last few months, far more than what is normal between them. Her daughter’s accident was a catalyst, shaking up the order of things, and forcing her to realize she was settling. “Oh out with it already,” she huffs impatiently. While she can outlast the best of them, her ex sister-in-law has ‘the look’. From experience, it isn’t one she wants directed at her and usually means something.

Jenny has been rather tight lipped about her feelings regarding her relationship with Jamie and how everything will work out as they explore and settle into this new incarnation of their relationship.

A smile teases the older woman’s lips. She leveled Claire with her patented look she used on her brother, children, and husband. It worked like a charm and she wasn’t surprised to find Claire not immune to the effects. “What do ye mean?”

Claire rolls her eyes. “Jenny, I love you. However playing coy isn’t one of your virtues and you’re not the type to invite people out for no reason. You’ve always got an ulterior motive.”

This is why Claire is no fun. She prefers to get straight to the point rather than drawing out the game. “I’m curious.”

She arches a brow, not saying a single word, or expressing anything with her face.

“Look my dolt of a brother doesn’t share much with me. I’m curious as to how everything is going. From what I’ve heard and seen,” she averts her gaze momentarily, flushing a light shade of pink. There are some things a sister never wants to witness. “Ye’re definitely no’ having any issues with uh yer performances.” She smirks when Claire’s face colors red, skipping pink altogether. “Still that isn’t indicative of the inner workings of a relationship.”

“Are you asking me my intentions regarding your brother?”

“Weel he isn’t the only one I care about. I just want to know how everything is.”

Claire leans back, regarding Jenny with a careful look. Her face surprisingly gives nothing away. Jenny tries to read her, but she’s locked up tight.

“We’ve talked about the future. We are on the same page about what we want and where we see things heading. Have we made any concrete plans?” She shrugs. “We are finally getting to a good place where for the first time in ages I’m not worried about what comes next. I spent so much of my life planning what comes next and what comes after that. I was focused on all the wrong things and allowed everything to get away from me. Part of the reason we ended things was because of our inability to get on the same page. We argued constantly and some of it was important like money, but then other things mattered so little in the grand scheme.”

Jenny was in an interesting position at the time. Both her brother and friend confided in her about the disastrous state of their marriage. She refused to divulge their confidences to the other, swearing to keep the two relationships separate out of a sense of loyalty to both individuals. She expected the same from them.

“I guess money isn’t an issue any longer.”

A strange expression crosses Claire’s face before she answers. “You’re right. It was a point of contention and I suppose there was a lack of understanding on both our parts. We talked so little about a lot of things, focused entirely too much on the big picture. I can tell you as much as I love them and wouldn’t change how things turned out, Isla and Brianna weren’t part of the plan, at least at that time.”

Jenny was aware. Receiving the call Claire was pregnant was a shock and then getting a second two years later was another surprise. “I know.”

“We’ve established a policy about being honest whether the other likes what we have to say or not. So far, nothing we’ve said has caused any problems. We’ve talked about potentially having another child, and if we do that well we do need to think about it in the immediate future. I’m not exactly aging backwards.” Jenny laughs. “Marriage isn’t something we’ve shied away from either. I’ve got ideas about that.”

Jenny is intrigued by her words. Claire doesn’t elaborate, but she suspects she can get the details out of her before she leaves to return home. “We’ll come back to the marriage thing.”

“Sure,” she says as if entertaining Jenny. “We haven’t talked about him moving in, but I think that’ll be a conversation in a few months time. I know you worry for us, but we aren’t those impulsive, hot headed idiots.”

“I should hope not.”

“I know you worry about him and the distance isn’t easy, but I think this is what we’ve been waiting for all along.”

Jenny has to agree. As soon as she saw them outside of the bedroom that is, she noticed the immediate differences in them from ten years ago. There is still a fire burning inside of them, but it is born from pure passion and love. The stiffness that wove its’ way into their marriage no longer exists and the rage that consumed them dissipated. In front of her was a very different couple, one that knew exactly what they had to lose and was willing to risk it all.

She is glad she came. She suspects the new year is going to bring about a lot of changes.

**8\. To 365 Days of You**

He watches her from across the room, observing her effervescent smile, the way she uses her whole body to talk. He loves the way her deep green dress clings to the contours of her body, hugging her hips beautifully. She has kept her distance from him all night, dancing away whenever he gets close.

She is wise to his motives for wanting her close. He wants to run his hands over her body. He really loves that dress. “Stop staring like that. It is obscene.”

He is reminded of the reason he hasn’t had sex in over a week. As much as he adores his family, he can’t wait for the return of normalcy and for his sister to go back to being thousands upon thousands miles away. She has absconded with his girlfriend whenever she has any free time from the hospital, which is limited.

Somehow he has seen less of her than usual and it isn’t sitting well with him. He misses her and longs to hold her in his arms. It isn’t purely sexual. He wants to experience the intimacy he seems to have only with her and to share his day with her, to hear about hers.

“Hardly my fault if ye’re love life is lacking.”

His sister is affronted by his assumption and expresses it. He can’t resist getting a rise out of her and something tells him, he’ll never fully outgrow that habit. “Oh stop ye’re gabbing. Ye dinna fully understand what it is like.”

She did date other men during her uni days, but she came back to Ian. A few years compared to nearly a decade aren’t the same at all. “Did ye ken she was in a car accident last year?” Jenny’s eyes briefly flicker to Claire and he has his answer. “Why did ye no’ say anything?”

“She made me promise. It wasn’t my business to be telling. I dinna go around telling her everything ye share with me in confidence.”

“I get it.” He holds his hands up. “I came this close to not having any of this. She would’ve been gone and I would’ve been nothing to her. I wouldn’t have the chance to hug or kiss her or to raise our daughters or potentially have more bairns. Life is unpredictable and I finally decided I was ready to take the steps to get her back. She’s the love of my existence.”

His sister rubs her eyes, muttering something about allergies. He looks away with a snort. If his sister wants to pretend she isn’t tearing up, he’ll let her.

“Just dinna undress her with yer eyes when me or my children are around and maybe learn to use a lock every once in a while. I think ye’ve broken yer eldest.”

“Isla will live.”

“She’s dramatic.”

“Hmm… canna imagine who she might share that with,” he says with a pointed glance in his sister’s direction. He leaves before she can start in on him and finds himself drifting over to Claire.

He catches her eye and grins when she can’t find a way to excuse herself from conversation. She and Joe have been talking for the last fifteen minutes. He comes up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist, and dropping his chin on her head. She leans back into his embrace with a contented sigh. “Ye’ve been avoiding me,” he whispers.

Claire digs her elbow into his side to shush him. She listens avidly as Joe continues to talk about some clinical trial he’s starting with one of his residents. “Okay,” Joe looks from Jamie to Claire. “Is it me or is there some weird tension?”

“What? No of course not.”

“It just uh feels a lot like UST,” he wrinkles his nose at the term.

“Do I want to know how you know what that means?”

“Why do you know it?”

“Oh would you look at that, I think your wife is looking for you.” She sure as hell isn’t going to mention what she did in her free time as a teen.

Apparently, Jamie is. “She wrote fan fiction for _The X-Files._ ”

“You bastard, you said you wouldn’t tell anyone.” She turns on him with a heated glare, which is effectively ruined by her adorable pout.

“Och did I? I canna seem to keep it all straight.” Claire narrows her eyes. “My memory isn’t what it used to be.”

Joe grins at the two of them with a shake of his head. He’ll tease her about her television preferences at a later date. Right now, he’s going to leave them to resolve what that is. “I think I’m going to go find my wife.” Neither hear him and he doesn’t mind as he makes his escape.

“I will find a way to enact revenge.” She whispers, her warm breath tickling. “Or maybe,” she presses closer to him. “I’ll let you make up the worst case scenarios, driving yourself mad wondering when I’ll get you.” Her tongue darts out, brushing across the shell of his ear.

The countdown begins around them.

_Ten_

“I can’t wait for this year with you.” He tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear, knuckles grazing her cheek. She leans into his touch.

_Nine_

“So much to look forward to and I couldn’t be happier.”

_Eight_

_“_ I had no idea how you were going to make my whole year this year.”

_Seven_

“The feeling is very much mutual.”

_Six_

“You’re incredible.”

_Five_

_Four_

_Three_

_Two_

_One_

“Kiss me Jamie,” and he does. It is the perfect start to the next 365 days together.

**9\. Finally Time to Say Goodbye**

Jamie is delighted when the day finally arrives. He loves his sister and appreciates her presence in his life. However, he misses holding his girlfriend’s attention and taking her out on dates. He can’t wait to get back into the daily grind of their lives.

His daughters go back to school the following day and he almost feels for them. They haven’t had to get up early in two weeks, but they are the ones who stay up late into the night with their cousins.

“Goodbye Jamie,” Jenny hugs him tightly and he hugs her back. He’ll miss her when she’s gone. “I’m beyond happy for ye and Claire and the lasses.”

“I know you are. I promise I’ll be a bit more forthcoming with the details. I won’t tell ye everything, but I won’t be a stranger.”

“I ken. We’ll be seeing one another soon enough.” Her words are ominous and she’s out of his embrace before he can question her. He scratches his head, confused by another woman in his life.

He kisses and hugs his nieces and nephews, thanking them for coming, and wishing them the best. He tells them all to have fun when they get back to school, receiving a lot of grumbling and groaning.

And then like their arrival two weeks ago, they’re gone in a flurry. 

“I’ll see you later, Lyv’s mom is here.”

“I’m going over to Taylor’s.”

Jamie blinks in surprise as his daughters disappear through the front door. Claire is in her room, finishing getting ready for work. He won’t see her again until tomorrow as she is on call.

It didn’t take long at all for things to return to normal. He decides to settle on the sofa for an overdue nap.

**10\. Flash Forward: Keeping Secrets and Lying to Your Parents Because Your Sister Has Done Something And You Don’t Want to Be Held Accountable**

“YOU DID WHAT?!!?”

It is a good thing she lives on campus and isn’t due to return home for a few days.

“God could you be any louder?”

“Um yes, what the hell Isla?”

Her sister doesn’t appear the slightest bit bothered. “Don’t tell them. I’ll get around to it.”

Those are famous last words her sister has issued. Her sister has the benefit of not being expected home for the next seven months. She decided to study abroad for the entire year in Paris and is staying with some distant cousins over the holiday break. She doesn’t have to spend nearly a month with their parents, while knowing something of this magnitude and keeping it from them. Her sister should count her blessings she can’t throttle her from 3500 miles away. Otherwise she would kill her sister for putting her in a difficult position again. They did make a pact as kids to protect the other’s secrets, but she had thought it wouldn’t extend to larger infractions, the kind that had the potential to cause their parents to flip the fuck out.

She rubs her forehead. “I just don’t know what to say.” Her sister has a talent for this.

“It happened.”

“Yeah I got that.”

“It felt right.”

“You’re twenty.”

“And?”

“You really think this is the right step for you?”

“Yeah I do actually, look you won’t understand and that’s fine, but it wasn’t some spur of the moment thing.” 

No her sister is beyond that. She is calculating and thinks about everything, a little too much. She plans every detail and her execution is usually to perfection, at least since she’s gotten older. “Wow, this is just surreal.” She can’t believe she’s having this conversation with her sister.

“You won’t tell them right?” Bree doesn’t appreciate the doubt. She hasn’t betrayed her sister to their parents in years and the time she did was under extenuating circumstances.

She laughs. There is no way in hell she’ll tell her parents. She hasn’t been in their line of fire for some time and wants to keep it that way. The last time was when she told them she was skipping her junior year straight into her senior year. It was silent enough to hear a pen drop when she dropped that bomb on them and they tried not to show their hurt she wanted to go off to college sooner rather than later. Her sister had just informed them she was staying in New York over the summer break to continue teaching lessons to her students and to participate in a summer concert series hosted by her school. These days they rarely saw her sister. She cashed in on her sister’s bomb, hoping it would take away some of the impact of hers.

That was also part of the problem. Isla and their mom got into a huge argument before Isla flew off to Paris and had yet to fully resolve their differences. Bree isn’t entirely privy to the cause, but things have been frosty between the two since August. So she can’t imagine relaying her sister’s life changing news to a less than receptive audience. It also isn’t her responsibility. 

“That is all you sister.”

“Chicken,” she taunts merrily.

“Damn right, I already am dreading telling them about Michael.”

Bree met Michael the day she moved on campus after her parents departed. She has casually mentioned dating in passing, but neglected to mention the guy she’s with is a senior. Her dad went a little overprotective in her teens when guys asked her out and scared off more than half of her would be dates.

“Ohhh Michael, how is the little Casanova who stole my sister’s heart?”

“Ugh, I should’ve never told you about that.”

“And yet you did. Don’t worry I won’t tell dad he was a total player before you.”

“To answer your question though, it’s good like really good. He’s incredible and intelligent and he really likes me.”

“I’m happy for you Bee. You deserve that after the total asshat you last dated. Your taste in guys left a lot to be desired, so I’m glad you finally found someone worthy of you. I know meeting him over FaceTime isn’t the same as in person, but he seemed totally cool and smitten with you.”

She blushes. “He’s special and I’m trying to keep it under wraps a little longer.” He’s the first guy in a some time she has deep feelings for and wants to make a go of it.

“How do you manage that when you live in the same city as our parents?”

Bree is slightly envious of her sister who has the ability to go under their parents’ radar. New York City isn’t a place they can visit on a whim and choosing Paris for the year was a smart move. Her parents also didn’t know about her sister’s other Instagram, and she won’t enlighten them to that. Her sister is an adult and Bree has her own secrets. If her sister wants to engage in underage drinking and going clubbing on the weekends, it hardly seems anyone else’s business. At least in France, she is above the legal age.

“There’s a little wiggle room. It helps that there’s Ava and Brodie to distract them from us.” It took her some time to adjust to no longer holding the position as the youngest, but she had learned to appreciate her younger siblings. At five and six, her siblings were handfuls and taking the heat off of them. Their parents were occupied with running after two little kids instead of constantly stressing over their adult daughters. “Ava had her Christmas performance with her class. Mom recorded the whole thing and plans to send it to you. Brodie has become a hit with all of the girls in his kindergarten class.”

“He always was a charming little shit.”

Their brother is a sweet talker. It helps he’s adorable and unnaturally confident.

“Mom is busy at the practice with Aunt Mel busy with Lizzie and Cam.” No one was more surprised than them when Melody decided with her wife to adopt. They assumed they were going to remain a childless couple and then two years ago, they brought home the cutest baby. Of course said baby was now two and a little monster. “She’s slowly integrating back into the practice after they adopted Cameron.”

“Still so weird she’s got kids like for the longest time we were the only children she knew and now she’s a mom.”

“We were great practice and such angels.”

They share a good laugh. 

“Are you ever going to share with me what happened between you and mom?”

Isla’s face turns stony and she retreats behind her walls. Bree sighs. That answers her question about that. “No. All I’ll say is that I won’t forgive her until she apologizes for what she said.”

”Which is?”

”It’s nothing.” Bree doesn’t believe that load of bull for a second. “It’s private and I’ll set aside my differences with her for the time being with it being the holidays.”

”You’ve got to forgive her eventually.”

”I really don’t. She said some pretty unforgivable things and I’ll admit I did too, but she crossed a line.”

Brianna doesn’t understand what it is about her mother and sister. There were times where they were extremely close and then it was like world war three in their house. There is something to be said about like personalities. The two of them constantly went back and forth.

”But you aren’t sorry enough to share your unexpected news?”

”That’s part of the problem. She’s a control freak and keeps treating me like I’m twelve. I don’t ask for anything from them. I earned all the scholarships on my own. I work two jobs to pay for my rent back in the city and still she acts as if I’m a child.” 

Brianna is familiar with this argument. She can’t blame her sister for feeling frustrated and stifled by their parents. “Still maybe consider saying something before you pop up in Boston next summer.”

“I really miss you. Are you sure you don’t want to come over during your spring break?” Bree is impressed at how deftly her sister changed the topic.

“I sort of have plans with Michael.”

“Shut up!”

“I didn’t say anything.”

That sets off another round of laughter. They developed their own language in their teens where they started quoting different movies and tv shows to each other. It didn’t make sense to everyone around them, but it was something for them.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me earlier. Do mom and dad know?”

“Do I look like I have a death wish?”

“So what are you going to tell them? Are you going to lie?” She wipes a fake tear from her eye. “I’m so proud. You like skipped that whole teenage rebellion thing.”

“I think you rebelled enough for the two of us. You were the one who got arrested.”

“I was never charged and I was already out of the house when it happened.”

“Semantics.”

“You’re one to talk. You were almost arrested when you were thirteen.”

“Touché.” She has to concede to that. “God I was such an angry thing.”

“Um your hair is blue.”

“I was experimenting with my look.”

“I went away for like two months and then you get a new hair color. Mom is flipping out on me like I’ve got some influence on you.” She rolls her eyes at the absurdity. “I still can’t believe you did it.”

“Ava thinks it’s cool.”

“Ava also thinks Dad is the handsomest man and she’s going to marry Fred from _Scooby-Doo._ ”

“Fair point. So are you going to FaceTime on Christmas?”

“I mean yeah… I was going to wait until I had you all there to open my presents.”

“Are you going to tell them then?”

“No. I think this is news better shared in person and it’s a lot harder to fake a reaction in person.” 

Bree shakes her head. Luckily, her parents can’t actually do anything to her wayward sister. Sure, they could get mad, but it wouldn’t change anything. And she suspects the reason her sister is putting it off is their mom. She really wants to know what went down between them. “So you’re waiting seven months?”

“Yes.”

“May God be with you. They’re going to fucking murder you.”

“Ehh… I’m twenty. I don’t depend on them for anything anymore and again I’m twenty. I haven’t lived at home in two years. Besides it’s all mom’s fault. If she hadn’t acted like such a raging lunatic and tried to interfere in shit that isn’t any of her business, then we wouldn’t be here.”

“That’s so weird. You’re twenty. I’m eighteen. Where did all the time go? It seems like yesterday dad moved to Boston and they were figuring out everything.” Bree feels a little uncomfortable lingering on the topic of their mother. Her sister’s hostility is unfamiliar but without the full story, she can’t offer up any advice. “Then there were romantic proposals and intimate weddings and then bam I was an older sister.”

“And here we are.”

There’s a knock on Isla’s door. “I’ve got to go, but I’ll talk to you in a few days.”

A few days later, Bree hands her phone off to her younger sister and watches with amusement as she talks Isla’s ear off. Ava tells her every little detail about the first grade and all of her friends. She talks about her dance and singing lessons and how unfair their mom is. She complains about Brodie being annoying and everything else in her life. It is an exhaustive list. It isn't even as if Isla doesn't have a standing call date with their little sister every Saturday. She can't imagine how so much can happen to the little girl in a few days.

“When are you coming home?”

“Not until July.”

Ava pouts. “But that’s so far away.”

“I’ll take you out for ice cream when I get home.”

“Double scoop?”

“Promise. I know it’s a long time, but I’m learning a lot here.”

The younger girl sighs. “I guess. Do you like my hair cut?”

“It’s very pretty.” Ava prefers shorter hair and usually kept her hair cut in a bob. From pre-k to right before first grade, she grew out her hair and then told her mom she was done with it the week prior to school starting. “It suits you. You were cute with long hair, but I think this frames your adorable little face better.” Ava grins, pleased with Isla’s answer.

“So you got married?”

Bree’s smile falls away from her face. "Shit!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Memorial Day/unofficial start of summer to my fellow Americans.
> 
> The time jump is finally going to get us to the really exciting stuff that I've been absolutely giddy about. You're going to be surprised,, screaming, and crying. It's going to be a wild ride. 
> 
> And yes, Isla totally got married. You could probably guess who it is.
> 
> Also if it isn't a lot of trouble, I would love if you guys could fill out this survey. It's related to what sort of fic I want to write after I finish this and Hiding. Here's the link: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/FQZM7HR.


	49. Falling Into Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Conversations with our favorite family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is setting up for the next chapter.

**Flash Forward- 2026**

[Transcript](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ffTB5rTPLDEUzruvgrh6qnphOAXSGtw9xv06UkNtP7c/edit?usp=sharing) of all the conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might be able to guess what's happening in the present storyline. Any guesses?  
> I'm super excited about it and it's really going to help push the story through it's last 8 official chapters before the epilogues. If anyone needs a transcript of the texts for whatever reason, please let me know. 
> 
> Question: What does your name mean?  
> My name means beautiful in the sense that someone is beautiful.


	50. Hope Is a Lesson I've Learned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know! It's still June and I'm posting. I was considering waiting until July 31st just to be petty because one of my friends (she knows who she is) kept bugging me. She really was on my case about this. And then I was going to blame her for why it took so long.  
> I was going to write the next chapter of Getting to Know You and then decided to open up what I had already written of chapter 50 a few months ago and here we are.

Isla folded her lips over her teeth as she exchanged nervous glances with her sister. I continued the drive down the practically deserted roads, giddiness spreading through me the closer we got to our final destination. This was finally happening.

Years of neglecting my needs taught me to pursue my wants and desires, for in the end, our time was limited. Anything could happen and I didn’t want to live my life with regrets. I had far too many that served no purpose other than to make me miserable. Sometimes though there are things that are worth the wait. With patience and time, the picture becomes clearer and everything else fades to the background.

“Are you worried?”

“About what?”

She hesitated, playing with the skirt of her dress. “I mean this is a huge deal. It wasn’t that long ago things were different. Are you sure about everything?”

Her question shed some light on the appearance of her nervous ticks from the second we left home. I smiled reassuringly at her, reaching over to pat her leg. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life if you can believe that.”

Her brows scrunch together, a wrinkle forming between them. “I am so confused.”

“Me too,” Bree chirped from the backseat.

I wet my lips, my grip loosening a bit on the wheel. “Okay perhaps saying I wasn’t a tad anxious is a bit of an exaggeration, however,” I tacked on when I caught her mouth opening to comment. “It’s good to have those butterflies. I don’t regret what I’m going to do. Does it terrify me? In the best ways possible.”

She was too young to understand fully what I meant, and it wasn’t her fault. She had yet to reach the point in her life where she would have similar experiences that told her everything would turn out fine in the end. Isla was still a few months off from her thirteenth birthday, which was scarier than what I was headed to do. I was faced with my daughter fully transitioning out of childhood into teenagedom. She was by all definitions an adolescent, her body undergoing puberty, and her personality shifting constantly as she discovered herself.

With all of that were rapid changes, I had trouble accepting. One day, maybe not that far in the future either, Isla would understand. Confusion wouldn’t cloud her eyes, and instead something else would replace it.

“When I was your age, I didn’t really get it, much like the two of you,” I made eye contact with Bree to assure her, she was involved in the conversation too. “Love and all of its’ complexities made little if any sense, especially when I focused on the science behind it. Love is a drug in many ways and the brain reflects that.”

“I know that.” Isla said. “It was in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.” It was comments like that that reminded me of my dwindling time with her. Her tastes in television had matured and the shows she spent countless hours watching no longer held her interest. “They said that when a person is in love, the brain basically looks like it does when people do drugs.”

Jamie joked all of the time that despite the hair and her eyes, Isla took completely after me with her intelligence, her interests, and her personality traits. I couldn’t ignore the comparison when things like that came out of her mouth because it was what I was about to say.

“It does,” a proud grin spread across my face. “Sometimes your actions come off as somewhat irrational and others might judge you for it, but when you know, you know. There’s a feeling of rightness that accompanies it and everything falls into place. Maybe it isn’t perfect by everyone else’s standards, but you should never use other people’s measurements to define your life.” It took me too long to realize that when I was young and I wasted far too much time being an idiot. “It, meaning love of course, it is absolutely confusing and irritating and amazing and wonderful and so many other things that I could go on about it forever, but it does take hold of you. You’ll find the person who is perfect just for you, who teases you, challenges you, knows you better than you know yourself, who you can confide in and share the load. Someone who inspires you to be the best version of yourself and doesn’t try to change you.”

Their faces were pensive and I can’t blame them. Age and experience were massive factors in their comprehension of the situation. Neither of them were old enough to experience the joys and heartbreaks associated with falling in love, but I wanted it for them some day. It was all part of life and I would never shelter them from that.

“As long as you’re happy, I think that’s all that will matter.”

“Thank you love,” I reached over and squeezed her hand in appreciation.

As much as I desired to hide away from her growing up, I saw it. The Isla from a year ago was a different person than the one seated on the other side of the console. Having her dad in the picture was a major influence, but there was a calmness around her where before she was unsettled. Unburdening herself to Jamie and I last autumn helped her in accepting who she was and that her sexuality didn’t define her. She was the same girl we had known from the moment she came out of me.

There was a maturation in her these last five months. Did she still occasionally antagonize her sister? Yes. Was she more diligent in her schoolwork and the pursuit of her activities? Yes. Did she help out around the house? Yes. She was growing.

“I’m really excited.” Bree cooed. She refused to sit still with all of her nervous, excited energy she exuded. “I can’t believe this is happening. All of my friends will be totally jealous when I tell them.”

I shook my head, keeping my eyes on the road. That was my Bree. She constantly looked for the positives and rarely kept her mouth shut about anything she deemed newsworthy. She and her friends were notorious gossips at school, something I hoped she had left behind in the third grade.

“It’s going to be great,” Isla reassured me. “Mom, can I ask you something else?”

“Yes sweetheart, what is it?” I glanced over at her to find her looking back at me.

“How did you know it was right? Like ten years ago, you said you felt you were making the best decision so how do you know you are now?”

“You can’t ever really know for certain. You have to trust yourself and dive.”

“What? Like off a cliff?”

I snorted. “I meant figuratively, dive into the unknown. It’s terrifying because you will change. Change is scary and not knowing who you’ll be on the other side can stop you from going after what you want. Becoming a new person isn’t easy and the path to getting there isn’t easy at all. You have to face obstacles you couldn’t have imagined and you discover all of these different facets of yourself, you would have never if you had decided to never make the journey.”

She tilted her head, staring out the windshield thoughtfully. “What if you’re scared of becoming someone new? Like what if you like the current version of yourself?”

I loved her sweet innocence and naïveté. She hadn’t realized yet. “Honey, you’ve already become someone new. In your whole life, you’re going to be many different people. Life isn’t stagnant even if it can feel that way at times. Do you think you’re the same person who started at a new school two years ago? Do you remember how you clutched my hand and were hesitant to enter? And now, I pull up the car at drop off and you’re out of the car with a quick ‘bye mom’.”

“That’s weird. I mean yeah I wouldn’t say nine year old me is the same as twelve year old me.”

“Exactly,” I tapped her nose. “Bree isn’t the same person either. I’ve seen you both grow a lot in these last few months. Do you have your moments where I want to tear my hair out? Of course, but it is incredible watching all of these new versions of the two of you emerge. You wouldn’t have become these people without taking a dive into the unknown. Last summer, you had to accept that you weren’t going to be the same person you always had been and you’ve embraced something new.”

The spring show was fantastic. Isla was in the chorus and while she didn’t have a feature part, she was spectacular. It was amazing to watch her find passion for something outside of her instruments again. Was she a little mournful when she passed the softball fields? She still went and supported her former teammates when she had the time.

“Doing the musical was very different and I was nervous at my audition. I totally messed up my monologue.”

“But you did it. And Bree, you entered that poetry contest and won third place.”

Bree came to us in February, admitting she had been bullied at school who she once considered a friend. It was the reason for her subdued behavior and her refusal to accept invites to slumber parties with her friends. We got her moved into the other fourth grade class to help relieve some of the tension and there were multiple meetings between us, the girl’s parents, and the school administration.

For Bree, she had difficulty expressing her feelings and we sent her to counseling. She was confused. She didn’t understand how someone she called friend could hurt her like that. Her counselor suggested she try journaling to vocalize everything she had internalized. And then she wrote a poem and another until she pages filled with dozens of poems ranging in topics. Bree kept her feelings to herself, afraid to make them known.

She was afraid to share them. We never pushed for her to do it. The journal was hers, and we weren’t in the business of violating our daughter’s privacy until she told us she entered a poem into her school’s competition. All of the local Catholic schools had a larger one that it was submitted to and her poem ended up in the annual book. She won third place across fifteen different schools. We were beyond proud of her and the strides she had made.

“Oh yeah, I was super nervous that no one would like it.” She piped up from the backseat, glancing up from her phone. “I was just writing about what it felt like when Alex bullied me.”

“Bee, some of the greatest poems are great because of the feelings they invoke and the images they conjure. Yours must have resonated with the judges. Your teacher couldn’t stop raving about how good it was. I really liked it too. I told all my friends and read it for them. They thought it was unbelievably good for someone in fourth grade. Some of the poems girls wrote during our poetry unit were awful and we are in seventh grade.”

“Thanks La, and you were amazing in the show. I didn’t even know you could dance.”

Neither did she.

* * *

Another hour passed before we pulled into our final destination. I pulled the car round to the other side of the house to keep it out of sight. Bree and Isla were instantly out of the car, despite my warnings about safety and waiting until the car pulled to a full stop.

“Auntie Jenny!” Was all I heard as their voices were swallowed up into the late afternoon.

I joined them with a tired smile. “Hey Jen,” I pulled her into a hug as the girls went back to the car to grab our belongings.

“Ye look tired and peckish, but ye have some time.” She smirked wickedly at me. “Ye’re going to knock him dead, and he doesn’t suspect a thing.”

“Why would he? He thinks we are at home and the girls were in school all day yesterday.” They weren’t and only spent half the day in class for attendance purposes and for them to collect any schoolwork they would miss over the next week. “I hated lying, but Jamie is usually the romantic one in this relationship and I thought it was time for me to turn the tables on him.”

She threaded her arm through mine, leading me into the house. “My brother is as dumb as a tree. I dinna ken how he dinna suspect anything with ye all giddy as a school girl.”

I suppressed a smile. Hiding my ever evolving plans and my happiness was difficult when I lived with him, slept next to him every night, and regularly had hot, sweaty, mind blowing sex. “Och, get that gleam out of yer eyes. I dinna want to see it ever again. That is my younger brother and ye’re my sister Claire. I canna, I refuse to think of ye like that.” She shook her head, likely picturing bleach erasing all thoughts of her brother and I entangled together.

I barked out a laugh as she covered her eyes and ears. “You sound like Isla. It took ages before she would stay in a room with only Jamie and I occupying it, and even longer until she looked us in the eye. It was by far more humiliating than the time you walked in on him going do-“

She slapped a hand over my mouth, absolute horror reflected in her eyes at my unfinished sentence. I wagged my eyebrows just for her. She mimed vomiting as I laughed at her dramatics. “It was fifteen years ago.” I thought that was a respectable amount of time for her to get over it.

“And it is still just as vivid. I wish I could bleach my eyes at what I witnessed.”

“I think I have dibs on humiliation. I was the one bared for all the world to see, well not really, but you know what I mean.” I settled into a chair at the kitchen table, while Jenny poured steaming mugs of tea for us. A flush crept over my skin and down my neck to my chest as I recalled the incident we all swore to forget. “You came in all excited and chipper, very chipper for you as it was the morning, and you’re not generally a morning person, and you just strode right in, blocking out all of my moa-“

“I get the idea Claire.” Her own cheeks were pink. “It’s something I don’t call forth ever.” She shivered in disgust. “The two of ye are randy and have gotten caught by too many people. I dinna understand it.”

She wasn’t wrong about the getting caught part. We had terrible luck and were often caught up in the throes of passion, preventing us from locking a door, or moving somewhere secure from prying eyes. “Isla caught us three times. The first time I didn’t know anything about until Jamie mentioned it. We, _ahem_ , we did something in my back garden,” I avoided meeting her eyes as the familiar heat spread again. “Anyway, she saw me leaving and I wasn’t particularly collected or put together with my disheveled hair and clothes. Isla may be twelve, but she isn’t stupid.”

“No she isna. Ye did it in the middle of the day, really?”

I squeezed my eyes shut. At the time, I did my best to block out the memory. It was a good time, actually it was an experience as Jamie brought me to the edge and swallowed my moans, his warm mouth traveling across my skin, his calloused hands rough and thick as he entered me.

“Stop it, ye’re going to traumatize me.”

“I’m sorry.” I really wasn’t. “We didn’t exactly do it. We just um got a little carried away is all. Trust me there wasn’t any penetration, well there was, I mean not that ridiculously filling kind where my toes curl and the world just fades away, and oh my god I need to stop.”

“That would be preferable before I cut off my ears or they bleed.”

“You’re a drama queen.” I sipped my tea to smother my giggles. Riling Jenny up was a favorite pastime of mine. While I hated divulging aspects of my sex life with her as the other person was her brother, and I had a brother of my own with a wife, I was in a perfect position to understand why she strayed away from that topic. However, it never stopped her from sharing details from her own love life, and there were things I never in a million years, or ever wanted to know about Ian. “I kept it PG thirteen.”

She snorted. “I’d hardly call it that. It was explicit, definitely a rating of fifteen”

“I barely said anything you wouldn’t hear middle schoolers talking about in the halls or the bathroom.” I shuddered at the thought, my mind drifting to my own middle schooler. Isla was aware of sexual activities and I wasn’t comfortable with that, neither was Jamie. Yes, I had ‘the talk’ with her and there were questions involved that ventured into a different sort of territory, however I promised to remain honest and answer any and all questions she had about the topic. I didn’t know at the time the sorts of things her schoolmates gossiped about or wrote on the bathroom walls. It was a Catholic school.

Also one of the reasons we had a talk about sex in the first place. There wasn’t really any curriculum about sex except for abstinence and while I preferred the idea of her remaining abstinent, it was unlikely. I would rather her have the facts and I did research about sex ed specifically related to the LGBT community. We got through it together.

“Are ye anxious?”

I wrinkled my nose, stifling a laugh. What was with everyone and that question? There were some butterflies but they weren’t strong enough to deter me from my current course of action.

“Would you believe me if I said I’m not.”

“Probably.”

I took a sip of tea, setting the warm mug on the worn surface of the kitchen table. “If you had informed me this time last year this is where I would currently be then I would’ve laughed right in your face and called you deranged. I was positive I was done with all things romantic where it concerned Jamie. Life had shown me numerous times we just weren’t made to last. And then life can be funny, not in the ha ha way. Things happen and you realize all of those worries that bogged you down and kept you from going after your happiness, they didn’t matter. I said fuck all of it.” Jenny laughed with a roll of her eyes. “I had unconsciously settled and was allowing someone to feel as if they were my number one when they weren’t.”

Jenny reached over and squeezed my hand, a sympathetic smile in place. “Ye shouldn’t feel guilty. Ye had no way of knowing that was how ye felt. We don’t evaluate our feelings and take them at face value. Ye cared deeply for him and ye loved him. Ye didn’t deceive him. It didn’t work out and sometimes that happens.”

“Thank you, Peter and I have talked since we called things off. He’s actually in a markedly serious relationship himself. She’s lovely and a perfect match for him.” We were slowly navigating our relationship as former lovers/sort of friends. Before everything, Peter was my friend. “Anyway, are you sure you’re alright that none of us will make an appearance this summer?”

She brushed off my concerns. I didn’t want her to feel as if I was stealing her brother or taking any of the limited time she had with her nieces. “Life is busy. I think ye need to worry a whole lot less about me and my feelings. Ye’ve talked about for ages how disappointed Bree and Isla were when they couldn’t participate in summer activities and now ye dinna have to send them across an ocean for an entire summer. Ye dinna have to wonder what they’re doing or wait around for them to ring. I’ll be fine. Besides, ye promised me a visit at Nollaig. And you’re here for a week, so I will be fine.”

“Have you gotten everything?”

She bobbed her head. “Ian picked up the last of it earlier and it’s in the family room. How did ye ever think of such a thing?”

“I don’t think I should tell you. It’ll disturb your delicate mind.” She shoved me, laughing as I fell off the chair. “Rude! To think I call you my family.” I stood up, brushing my bottom. “Your floors could use a good sweep.”

“How dare ye? Ye ungrateful wench,” she cackled, shooing me out of the kitchen. “Go start preparing.”

I did as she bade. I didn’t want to be on the wrong side of Jenny, and I wanted to watch as my plans finally fell into place. “Oh my gosh,” I squealed, my voice echoing off the walls of the house. I heard the laughter from the other residents, but didn’t mind. Nothing could bring my mood down. I was taking control and pursuing my happiness.

* * *

The sun setting behind the mountains, painting the sky in rich reds, purples, and faded pinks was almost enough to uplift my mood. It was still at least another hour or so before the sun would beyond the horizon. It set much later here than at home.

My trip to Scotland hadn’t panned out how I originally planned. The issue I came to help resolved was patched before I arrived. Jenny had cottoned on to my trip and invited me to spend a few days back at Lallybroch. She claimed since she would be unable to see me on my birthday, she could host a family party, giving me presents in person instead of mailing them. Instead of declining the invitation, I gratefully accepted it.

I had missed her. Four months was a lengthy amount of time. We hadn’t sketched out our full summer plans. With Claire leaving her position at the hospital and joining Mel’s medical practice, we were basing all of our summer plans around her schedule. She didn’t have much longer left at the hospital and wouldn’t be officially a member of the practice until the end of July/beginning of August.

My business had its’ grand opening in a few weeks and I would need to be hands on in those first few weeks until I felt comfortable leaving it for my manager to run when I was unavailable. There was a lot happening. Bree was enrolled in a football camp with her club. Isla was taking theater classes and adding more music lessons. She was going to start conditioning with the field hockey team over the summer and testing out how her leg felt. At present, the most she did was run two miles, three days a week and some other exercises to strengthen her leg.

We had a week ini June and one in July where could take a trip or do anything together.

I didn’t know how to tell Jenny it was unlikely we would be making an appearance this summer. Things were too hectic, perhaps if I suggested us visiting at Nollaig, she would be accepting and understanding.

The sun hadn’t made it’s full descent by the time I made my way down the long driveway of my childhood home. Squinting I spotted Jenny pacing in front of the steps, muttering to someone out of view.

My lips quirked up into a grin at the sight of her. I had missed her. Was it the same as how I missed my family? No, but Jenny was the only one left to remember our shared childhood. She was there to talk about our parents and brother. She stopped when she spotted my car coming down, her hands on her hips.

“Jenny,” I called out, rolling down the window.

“Ye said ye would be here thirty minutes ago.”

“I had to make a stop and then I made another one Jen.”

She rolled her eyes. I parked the car and got out, my arms wide as I gathered in them. She sighed, sniffing. “I missed ye, but we dinna have time for all of this. I have a surprise for ye. So I need to put this on ye without ye asking any questions.” I quirked a brow. “Please?” She amended. I acquiesced and knelt, so she could tie the blindfold around my eyes. “Good, now follow me.”

A moment later, she tugged on my hand, pulling me away from the house.

My brow knitted together as we moved away from where I thought the surprised would be. She took me out further and I knew we were moving away from the center of the property. I had no idea where we were going.

I shivered at the evening breeze, frowning when I caught the hint of vanilla. I could’ve sworn Jenny preferred something flower, but perhaps she was trying something new. “Did ye get a new perfume?”

Jenny shushed me. We continued to walk another fifteen minutes before she stopped, halting my footsteps in the process.

I heard some shuffling and then felt as she removed the blindfold. Except it wasn’t Jenny standing before me.

It was Claire.

My head swiveled around and I realized where we were. This was where I first made love to Claire. What the hell was going on?

When had she flown to Scotland? Where were our daughters? Her eyes stopped me from asking my flurry of questions.

“Jamie,” she smiled shakily, her lips trembling with the force of her words. She extended her hand for me to take, which I did. My eyes landed on the burning candles and the blanket with flower petals strewn across it. She led me over to the center. “We’ve walked an unconventional path to say the least.” That was an understatement. Our paths had diverged for a time, only to once again merge, putting us back in each other’s orbit. I could see and feel her nerves. My thumb stroked her hand in slow circles.

“Years ago when I first made that promise, whispers of a life together and a love that lasts forever, I meant it. I didn’t know then what life would bring us, nor do I regret what happened. We did all the work ourselves to fix ourselves before we could be together without falling apart at the seams. There was a little outside influence, but what all those years taught me was that we weren’t ready then for each other. We had some growing up to do.”

That was the crux of it. We had no idea then how our lives would turn out, how we would develop into capable, self-sufficient adults. We didn’t know the losses we would suffer, or the successes we would celebrate. It was all still waiting to be written. “We had our children and perhaps that was the reason we happened then, to usher in those two dazzling, amazing souls. I believe God has a plan, not in that predestined, stripping us of our agency, fated to be shit, but there is a greater purpose.”

“Back then I didn’t fully comprehend what it meant to love you and open myself up to your love. But here, right here,” she gestured to our surroundings. “Is where I gave myself to you, where I discovered you would service all of my needs, and that sounds like a line out of a poorly written porno.” She snorted, her shoulders shaking, eyes shining with mirth. I loved my babbling Claire. Her cheeks were flush, but there was no sign of embarrassment in her face. “You made me feel loved, special.” She flashed me a salacious grin. “And you filled me, you were gentle and slow, taking care of my needs.” Her eyes flickered to my fingers and I knew immediately what she was thinking about. “- _fingers the ones that made me feel so much as they thrust inside of me, thick and calloused.”_

My eyes danced with amusement as she vocalized her thoughts.

“Ugh,” she groaned, covering her face with her free hand. “I hate the way my mouth translates thoughts from my brain. It literally couldn’t sound less romantic if I tried.”

“I think ye’re doing fine. I canna say I’ve ever been proposed to in my life, and ye’re so charming and adorable.” I was sure that was what was happening. Claire was proposing to me in the spot where we gave each other the gift of our virginity.

From the way she glowered, she didn’t appreciate my teasing her as she was attempting to propose marriage to me. I held my arms up with an innocent look plastered on my face. She shot a glare for interrupting.

“As I was saying, you brought me here eighteen years ago, and it was that day I knew.” Her face softened as she gazed at me. Her eyes were melted pools of chocolate. “I was in love. It was terrifying and thrilling, and as much as part of me wanted to run as far away from it, I couldn’t. I was in too deep by that point. You had invaded my heart and brain.”

With a longing sigh, she stepped closer to me, increasing our physical contact. These last few days were too long to spend apart. It seemed inconceivable to think we had willingly let it all go for nine years and how barely a few days apart seemed too much. That night in Paris while one of my favorite memories, looking back with the advantage of hindsight, we weren’t ready to accept the inevitability of us. We couldn’t embrace it.

“The day you approached me on the train, I was secretly hoping no one would sit next to me. Then you asked and I couldn’t say no. There was something about you that sparked something in me, curiosity or whatever, and it turned out to be one of my better decisions. From the moment you entered my life, everything changed. My world shifted. You were at the epicenter of it.”

“You entrance wasn’t a blip. I wouldn’t be able to forget you if I tried and believe me, I have. I thought I ruined any and all chances of you being interested in me after falling into your lap, sniffing you- _who even does that,”_ she muttered. “And otherwise humiliating myself as I scrambled off.”

“I thought ye were adorable and had to force my body under control after your touch caused a certain part of me to react.”

“You’re not just saying that?”

She wished. Clearly, I left her with a better impression than I believed if she hadn’t felt my erection. “Trust me, I am not. This woman kept glaring at me for my lack of control because ye leave a lasting impression.” She was memorable for all of the best reasons. She stood out to me from the very beginning.

“Stop stealing _my_ thunder,” she pouted.

“Then get to it woman.”

“Fine, try to do something romantic and no one appreciates it. Jamie, love of my life, father of my children, will you marry me?”

“Yes.

And then I pulled her in close and kissed her with the intention of never letting her go. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're engaged!!!! It happened. The reason I had Claire propose this time around is for a few different reasons. One of them being that Jamie did in the original version and it was super cliche. I kind of despise cliches. Also, because it was abrupt like I believe it was the last full length chapter and then the next one was the epilogue. Secondly, this was Claire finally taking control over her happiness. She wants Jamie and she isn't going to wait for him to ask, she is going to do it. She wants him to know that she is all in. It took me a while to figure out a good way for her to propose and then I came up with this around the time I was storyboarding.
> 
> Also, you’ll notice there’s an official chapter count now. 60 is our magic number, so not too many left.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed.


	51. That Girl Is You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, the lyrics of All Star are playing in my head except instead of years, it's 'well, the updates start coming and they don't stop coming.'

With her lips pressed firmly to mine, I deepened the kiss, swiping my tongue across the seal of hers. I pulled her closer, unable to get enough of her. She was my fiancée. We were engaged to be married. We were going to spend the rest of our lives together, no longer letting go and walking away when things got difficult.

We had learned a lot about ourselves separately and together, and we were finally going to apply it. Infectious laughter bubbled out of me as I wrenched my mouth away from hers. It was all too comical for me to find us in this position.

She stared at me, brows knit together, puzzled over my reaction.

“Sorry… sorry, I promise I’m not laughing at you.”

She raised an incredulous brow, crossing her arms tightly over her chest. “It’s the situation. Just let me talk and then you’ll understand.”

She scrunched her face, shrugging impatiently, gesturing for me to get on with it then.

I made a face at her. “So even though you just gave quite the epic proposal, utterly surprising me as I hadn’t expected any of this, I’ve got something I would love to say.”

With a deep inhale to clear my mind, I grasped her hand, enjoying the feel of nimble fingers between mine.

“Of course, you’re going to steal my thunder.” Her lips curled up, wryly.

She knew me too well. It wasn’t my intention to take anything from her though. Her words left an unforgettable, lasting impression on me and I couldn’t wait to share with our daughters and any other children we may have. “It would be difficult to do that, but we can share the spotlight. There is room for the two of us.” She harrumphed with the cutest pout. “Oh, you’re adorable.” The expression reminded me of when Isla jutted out her bottom lip, adding a little tremble. “While I am not as eloquent as you with my thoughts, I’m going to try.” She glared at me, catching onto my gentle teasing.

“When I fist saw you, it was a glimpse at a distance. Your features weren’t all that clear, but I thought you were mesmerizing. You were different from many of the girls I interacted with. Your nose was buried in a book as you blocked out all of your surroundings, intent on reading your book.”

She hadn’t lifted her head at all. Her hair fell forward like a curtain, obscuring most of her face from view. “Then the train arrived and you had disappeared. I went in search of you, desperate to talk to you. I wanted you to notice me, I was prepared for rejection, but that was when the magic that is you entered my life. You weren’t what I expected at all. I thought you would ignore me and brush off all my attempts to get to know you because well…” I scratched the back of my neck, feeling the heat as it crept into my cheeks.

She stood there impassively raising a curious brow, a small smile teasing her lips.

“You’re you and you’re what I needed. You changed my whole world. Everything was dull and colorless before you arrived. I had lost my mam and my life had become shades of grey. Then you brought the sun with you, brightening my life, and I could see in technicolor. It was glorious to finally feel something, anything after all that time in the dark, floundering. You weren’t the only one going through a rough time. You saved me.”

Her mouth opened and closed, and I plowed on.

“That first day, ah Dhia, I thought I messed it all up before we had a chance to become anything. Ye weren’t happy and were quick to escape the stifling atmosphere of that cab. I knew if I didn’t chase after you, my chances were forever ruined. I had to explain and then we kissed in the rain, cementing our feelings. Back then, I was smitten, too immature to know the depth of my feelings. And then we ushered in the second version of Jamie and Claire. There have been a lot of different versions of us as a couple.”

There was the us that were just friends who occasionally flirted and had fits of envy. There was the newly dating Jamie and Claire, broken up us, reunited us, married, parents, and dozens of other versions as we evolved. My favorite was the present Jamie and Claire. We were wholly different from our past incarnations.

“We broke up for a time, developed new interests, dated other people, and discovered new facets of ourselves previously left untouched.” At the time when I dated, it was never with her in mind, but after getting back together, I realized I needed to get out there to prove that I could. So much of my experience with romance was entangled with her. I had to find out if I could connect to someone else on the same level. Whilst it wasn’t the exact same as what I shared with Claire, I could be happy without her. It wouldn’t be the absolute end of the world if we didn’t end up together.

“We needed that time to grow and figure out what we wanted. Then you came blasting back into my life like a blazing supernova.”

“You’ve now compared me to a star twice. Am I missing something?” Her forehead crinkled as a few different emotions flickered through her dark orbs.

“You’re the star of my universe.”

“That was cheesy even for you.” She laughed, squeezing my hand tighter. Her eyes were shiny as her lips trembled, her expression crumbling.

I brushed away a lone tear with my thumb, stroking the soft skin. She leaned into my touch.

“It doesn’t make it any less true,” I whispered. “I always want to orbit around you.”

“You’re starting to sound a bit like me. Maybe I’m contagious.”

“We live together. I probably caught it a long time ago, but I don’t mind. I digress. Things hadn’t panned out the way we dreamt and we lost some time there. This was the long road that would lead us home.I explored other stars and you found new planets, but in the end I realized there was only ever going to be you. I am capable of loving others, but it pales in comparison to what I feel for you. Love is too small of a word and yet it is everything. I love you and always will. You’re it for me. If you try to run I will chase you and bring you back. I need my star to light up the world. I need you.”

Her shoulders shook as she cried. It was time for my finale.

I dropped to my knee, eyes shining with love as I looked up at her and saw the same love reflected back at me. My eyes traced over her delicate features. I pulled out the box I had been carrying around for the last month. “Will you accept this ring as a token of my undying love and devotion to you?”

She gasped, laughing as she covered her mouth with her other hand. Claire gracefully lowered herself to the ground. She cupped my face, blue and brown meeting. “You absolute dork. I can’t believe you just pulled a reverse uno on me. Put it on me, my love.”

“With great pleasure,” I said, sliding the simple pearl [ring](https://www.angara.com/p/vintage-inspired-akoya-pearl-ring-sr2589akprd?stone_grade=aa&stone_size=8mm&metal_type=rose+gold&metal_karat=14k&cid=ps-gpla-acc!pearlUSA-adg!100549825653-dyn!SR2589AKPRD-RG-AA-8-pla-905104086181-cmp!1030583953&s_kwcid=AL!6785!3!433701142986!!!g!905104086181!!c&resetChannel=true&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIp6rso9iq6gIVCr7ACh3PsQCUEAQYBCABEgLvjPD_BwE&akamai-feo=off) onto her finger, where it would always stay. “Now you’re stuck with me.”

A giggle erupted from her. “I could think of worse places to be. Now, let’s blow out all of these candles, we’ve got a celebration to go to.”

“Celebration?”

“Yes, silly,” she blew out a candle. “I was positive of your answer. You’ve made your intentions quite clear, so we planned a little family event for after. Isla and Bree did a lot of it. They wanted to be as involved as I would let them, so all the decorating is curtesy of them. They’ve been vibrating on a different frequency and trying to keep this a secret.”

“How did the three of you manage?” I loved my girls, all three of them, however a secret of this magnitude, one of them was bound to spill.

She grabbed my hand as we began to meander back to the main property. “Well I think a lot of it can be attributed to wanting to surprise you. It is rare an opportunity presents itself. It was Isla’s idea to have you fly out for an emergency with the pub, only for it to be fixed by the time you arrived. Bree suggested getting Jenny involved with luring you out here, and I picked the perfect spot. We’ve been planning this for the better part of two months. You’ve been quite busy with all of the inspections and permits that it was easy to do behind your back.”

“So when did ye arrive?” I was fuzzy on the timeline. The last time we spoke, she was coming off a late shift.

She leaned into my side, shivering. I wrapped an arm around her, tugging her closer to me. “We flew out yesterday afternoon. We had a layover and spent some time with Tom. And then we drove up this afternoon. We got here a few hours before you.”

“And the schools?”

“They’ve collected their schoolwork for the next week and their schools are aware of their absences. How often does one get to experience their parents getting engaged?”

“They must be bursting with excitement.”

“They were anxious. I think they were scared about the possibility of us not working out again.”

I kissed hair, stumbling a little. “What did you tell them?”

“I assured them of my love for you and how it feels different this time. You can’t ever be a hundred percent certain that everything will work out, but we can go the distance. I know that this time.”

I would ask for the longer version later, but I was satisfied with the condensed speech for the time being. Within minutes, we were strolling to the door, excited shouts and cheering emanating as our family poured out of the house. The yard was instantly flooded with light from fairy lights, and I had to shake my head. Claire said our daughters had done the planning and this had them written all over it.

Isla and Bree were the first to reach us, sprinting past the group and right into our arms. “Are you? Are you? Are you engaged?” Isla questioned as Bree asked, “Did he? Did he say yes? Tell us.”

I grinned at them, ruffling their hair. “I did say yes to yer mam.”

I covered my ears as their squeals reached a pitch I hadn’t known they were capable of. Congratulatory hugs and kisses were exchanged once the Murray clan joined in. There were platters of food, alcohol for the adults and cider for the children as we toasted to a new era.

Claire and I were entangled in each other’s arms for the entire party, overhearing our daughters at one point. “This must be what the twins felt like at the end of both _Parent Traps._ ” Isla exclaimed, eagerly throwing her arms around her younger sister. “I can’t believe it. They’re getting married.” Her enthusiasm was getting the best of her. I could make out the light flush of her cheeks and the cheesy grin that hadn’t left her face since we confirmed our news.

“I’m so happy I could burst. I was a little nervous.”

“Me too, I totally thought he might not say yes. I don’t why I was so worried.” Bree threw an arm around her sister’s shoulder, leaning her head against Isla’s. They were just about the same height now, much to Isla’s chagrin.

Bree sighed into the night. “Mom was very sure, but you know there was always a chance even if daddy looks at her with heart eyes.”

“Yeah the heart eyes is getting gross. It was cute at first, but now they do it over breakfast and it makes me want to lose my breakfast.”

“Same, it’s really disturbing watching them stare at each other from across the table like that. It is a little intense.”

“That is one word for it.” Isla snorted. Claire buried her face in my bicep to muffle her laughter. “I mean can’t I wake up without having to hear them flirt and be all kissy and bleh. Like I love them and unbelievably happy that we will be an official family again, but I could do without all that extra stuff.”

“Ugh yeah like when mommy was saying bye to dad before he flew to Scotland. They kissed for-like-ever. I mean I didn’t know it took like ten minutes to say goodbye. We have neighbors. Jenny Thompson from down the street said she saw them kissing once and Bryan Miller said his mom was talking about lovey dovey they were at the block party two weeks ago. You know after we ditched them because who hangs around their parents when they’re not a little kid?”

I had felt snubbed when they wandered off when we arrived to the annual block party. Claire informed me that it wasn’t considered cool to hang out with your parents and that Isla and Bree for the last two years went off to hang with their friends in the neighborhood. There were adults everywhere, and Isla and Bree had their phones in case of an emergency. I was struggling with them growing up, but Claire said it wasn’t easy for her either. One day, they were helpless and needed her for everything and then the next, they were fully capable people. Now they mostly called if they wanted her with the occasional call for assistance.

“Ew,” Isla wrinkled her nose, shuddering at the image. “But they’re cute sometimes like when they fall asleep on the couch watching Netflix.”

“Yeah and we cover them with blankets and turn off the TV.”

“We have some incredible children.” I murmured lowly.

She turned her head up, her eyes wet. “Yeah, we really do.”

Jenny, of course was the one to discover the ring. “Is that a _ring?_ ” Isla and Bree overheard, their heads swiftly turning in our direction. Jenny snatched Claire’s hand to get a closer look. “When did _this_ happen?” She asked, turning Claire’s hand in every direction.

All of the females were soon gathered around, staring in fascination at the simple band. It was white gold with a pearl held between a glimmering diamond collar. it was vintage inspired and as soon as I saw it, I knew it was the ring.

“Dad, you total cad, you had this with you?”

 _Where the hell did she learn the word cad?_ “Aye, I bought it about a month ago and have been waiting for a perfect opportunity to present itself. Turns out it was right after your mother proposed to me.”

“You pulled a reverse uno?”

Claire and I exchanged amused looks. If there was anyone Isla took after, it was her mother. “Yer mam said the same thing about me upstaging her.”

“I mean you are sort of not supposed to steal someone’s thunder when they propose. Did you give her a speech?”

“I did.”

“You guys are something else.”

“Daddy, you couldn’t let mommy just have the moment? She has been super apprehensive for two months until today, then she was as cool as a cucumber. She was confident and ready to ask for your hand.”

“Weel I wanted to make it even more memorable. now yer mam and I have fully exchanged our feelings and know where the other stands.”

“I guess,” Bree shrugged. “So can it be like a summer wedding? ‘Cause I got a lot of ideas. Isla and I have been discussing possible venues and thinking about the decorations. A summer wedding would be awesome and then you can work on giving us a sibling.”

Jenny choked on her laughter as Claire snorted champagne everywhere. Isla was walking away with her giggling female cohort. “We will talk about that at a later date,” Claire smoothed out the divot between Bree’s brows. “Why don’t you go catch up to your cousins and enjoy the rest of the night?”

“So are ye planning add to yer current lot?”

I rolled my eyes. My sister wasn’t subtle. “We’ve discussed it, but haven’t mentioned anything in detail. For now, we will take it one moment at a time and live in the present instead of focusing on something down ahead.”

“What a great idea,” Claire kissed my cheek. “Come dance with me darling.”

I spent the remainder of the night dancing under the stars with my love. “I love you with all my heart.”

She rested her head against my chest as we swayed together. “I love you too, forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is nigh. Updates for GtKY and Hiding are coming soon. I'm trying to finish as many stories this year as I can, starting with this one. Aside from the epilogues and the wedding, I can't say the other chapters are going to be super long. You'll have to wait until chapter 56 for the wedding.


	52. Dear Future Husband

I peered curiously at her snoozing form, checking to make certain she was asleep. It wasn’t that I was embarrassed or didn’t want to be caught, but I thought perhaps she would prefer if I did it privately as opposed to her there to watch for my reactions.

Opening to the first marked entry, I bit back a smile at her familiar handwriting. For my birthday, Claire gifted me with some of her old journals to share herself fully with me. For years my interest was peaked when I saw her pouring her thoughts into the pages. I wondered what she could be scribbling so furiously about and then she gave them to me. They were each dated and gifted in chronological order, at least the ones pertaining to our relationship.

With one last glance at her still form, my eyes began to move across the page.

_I met someone today. Before I thought they exaggerated about those butterflies fluttering in your stomach. It seemed more figurative than realistic to me. Then he spoke to me and sat across from me when he could’ve sat anywhere else. He surprised me. His candour appealed greatly to me. It wasn’t anything noteworthy, yet it felt like a wonderful start. Someone saw me when I was doing my best to not be seen._

_It was a foreign experience. I had given up hope on anyone sparking my interest after my last attempt at a relationship resulted in disaster._

_His name is Jamie. He’s Scottish. I first saw him on the platform, but continued reading my book as I pretended not to glimpse up every few seconds to look at him. It is seriously unfair how extremely attractive he is and doesn’t even realize it. There was no way someone that gorgeous would notice a bore like me. I’m a plain as they come. It is inconceivable to quote my favourite movie. I’m hardly what someone would classify as a silly girl, but he could potentially bring that out in me. My head was all floaty and my stomach fluttery as he stared at me with his impeccably blue eyes. They are beautiful. They’re dark with flecks of green and grey. I swear he got my heart racing, my cheeks flushing, and my words all tangled together. It was ridiculous how quickly I lost my head. I can normally retain my composure._

_Me being me, I was bound to humiliate myself. I got up from my seat as the train neared my stop when there was just a bit too much of a jolt. I plopped into his lap, which let me tell you, his thighs are very firm. I should ask about his exercise regimen. His lap was also quite nice and he was lovely as he grabbed onto me. His hands are large and his fingers very thick. ;) Anyway, my mouth got ahead of my brain and I don’t recall half of what I said except that it was stupid. He makes me stupid._

_I thought I messed it up until he rang earlier. We talked; mostly I did. He listened and was attentive. He asked pertinent questions during my stories. He didn’t mind I dominated much of the conversation. Apparently, he likes the sound of my voice. Sort of strange, but who am I to judge when I practically felt him up? Jamie is a rare one, special, and by far more interesting than anyone I know. If I’m not careful, I could fall for him and what a mess that would be. I can’t afford to muck up my life after finally getting it together. He could never love me in return and I would never tarnish a friendship over a silly crush. A crush, I can get over that. I’ll accept his friendship if he offers because I really do like him and could use someone positive in my life._

_-Claire_

_p.s. I’m seriously fucked._

_October 13, 2000_

_We snogged. Like his lips touched mine and time ceased to exist while we were in our own little bubble. His lips are incredibly soft and handled mine like they were delicate. They’re really plump like two pillows and it was… fucking amazing. I’ve hinted anxiously for the last month, but our wires were getting crossed. It turned out he felt similarly. I kept expecting the other shoe to drop. It has been the story of my life for nearly seventeen years and I had’t expected the narrative to shift at this point, but it’s been the opposite with him. I believed he would find his perfect match and I would be the pathetic best friend like in all of those films. I would’ve been happy for him and supported him eventually like Julia Roberts’ character in My Best Friend’s Wedding. It would’ve hurt, but I would do it for him._

_I could’ve learned how to handle my raging jealousy. I see girls flirt with him nearly every time we go out. I just thought he was being kind by ignoring their attentions. However, none of those worries have come to fruition as I am the girl, ME! Regular Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp is the girl who caught Jamie’s eyes. How is this real life? I feel as if I’m dreaming and if that is true, then please don’t ever let me wake up._

_It seems impossible, almost ridiculous that out of all the girls he could have chosen he picked me. It took me by surprise, especially when he requested to take me out on a date. He was shy and confident at the same time, and it was hot. I hadn’t seen him express this side of himself._

_Our date on the other hand was an absolute disaster, completely rubbish. It was my intention to never lay eyes on that arsehole again. I didn’t even want to speak to one James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser as long as I breathed for being a complete tosser. It was all a misunderstanding and I felt incredibly foolish when he explained it, but Jamie also bears some of the fault for that. He could’ve been honest, at least it was memorable I suppose. I couldn’t forget if I tried. There were just all these misunderstanding and I would’ve understood if he had been honest from the start. I cried in the loo during intermission, unable to stomach sitting next to someone who was repulsed by my company. Perhaps my reaction was a bit over the top, but when he refused to talk to me, I had to draw my own wrong conclusions. I believed he had gotten his fill and realized I wasn’t worth the effort. Someone like Jamie could have literally anyone whether male or female. I was flattered he deemed me important enough to befriend._

_This is where the night took a turn for the better. When we are together, it is like magic. We took a cabhome and I sat close to the door, keeping as much distance as possible within the confines of the backseat. As soon as the cab pulled up in front of my flat, I tried to rush out. Jamie refused to let me get away and chased after. How mad is that?_

_I mean what did I do to capture his attention and garner his affections? I am baffled._

_He explained what happened earlier tonight at the restaurant and then at the theatre. Then it started raining and it was as if we were in some cheesy rom com but it was real. As the rain fell around us, we kissed. I’ve kissed quite a few boys in my life, but not like him. He makes my brain short circuit and all I can focus on is him, the placement of his hands, the feel of his chest pressed against me, and all I can think is that I want more. I want to be closer. It isn’t enough and I’m not sure what could satiate that desire burning in my belly._

_The feelings he evokes in me are confusing. I hadn’t wanted to address them as we got acquainted, but over the last two months, they’ve deepened and grown. I didn’t know I could feel this way about anyone. They are the real, forever sort. It’s a bit terrifying to contemplate that in such a short time, he’s managed to take over my heart, but he has wormed his way in there. With him I’m not afraid to want it. Absurd given our ages and the improbability of us lasting to uni, but for the first time I’m not dreading all of my tomorrows. I’ll be dreaming happily of filling them with him._

_Love Always,_

_-Claire_

_p.s. he’s an amazing kisser like gold medal worthy if that were a thing_

_I’m floating and I don’t think I’ll ever come back down from the clouds. Nothing could ruin this amazing feeling of lightness and rightness. I thought I knew joy and happiness, but everything I felt in myeline pales in comparison to what I’m feeling now._

_I’m in love._

_The most magical, mind altering, time stopping moment of my life occurred. Jamie and I exchanged gifts, not the physical kind either. This is the permanent sort you can never get back and I have no regrets about it. The whole thing was special and worth the wait. I chose the right person._

_I’m still at a loss for words. I think I’ll lack the words to describe how utterly perfect it was for the rest of my days._

_But it is true. I love him in that scary, forever sort of way. A few months ago, the thought would’ve sent me running, and now I freely welcome and embrace these feelings. My mind runs rampant with thoughts of him and he’s the last thing there before I close my eyes at night. Though it petrifies me, I want him always. That’s a massive step for me as I didn’t consider myself the marrying type, and I never meant to fall in love with him. It was the last thing I expected all those months ago. I didn’t know then that love felt like this. The world no longer seems so bleak._

_Everything is clear in a way it wasn’t three days ago. He’s changed my whole world._

_I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him._

_p.s. I’m in deep now. There’s no going back._

_Day 1_

_We broke up._

_p.s. life sucks_

_Day 20_

_I miss him. I didn’t expect to be one of those girls whinging about her ex, but I’ve caught a few glimpses here and there of him. He was at a pub I used to frequent. Note the words: used to. He hasn’t ruined it for me. A lot of things are ruined for me after him. I feel so stupid for thinking that we were going to last forever. How naive was I?_

_p.s. I’m an idiot_

_Day 43_

_So my professor likes me, yet part of me is holding back. I don’t know why._

_p.s. yes I do_

_Day 76_

_I called it off with my professor… I’ve never felt so much shame or guilt in my life._

_I hate myself._

_Day 157_

_Fuck this whole journalling bullshit. I’m done_

_December 13, 2004_

_So maybe journalling isn’t as useless as I wrote in my last entry._

_It is unbelievable, surreal even. He walked back into my life or I walked back into his. I’m not sure of the correct terminology for a situation such as this, but he has brought the colour back with him. I was doing fine, but I wasn’t exactly happy. I had friends and my flatmate and I had developed a closeness that was missing in the beginning of our cohabitation._

_My pride got the best of me on multiple occasions. Mum and I patched up things, but I still feel the stirrings of guilt whenever I see her. I spoke out of turn._

_Ever since the row where we called off our relationship, I had only heard about him through the grapevine. A few of his former mates told me how he took a term off to get his head on straight and then he told me himself that he spent a few months in France to get away from his memories of me. Perhaps it worked to our mutual benefit that my family resides in the French countryside as opposed to Paris._

_Mark is a friend and tonight I might have given in to his request for a date if it weren’t for the red headed man himself making an appearance. The last two weeks were spent revising and tonight was the one night in over a fortnight we’ve had free. We went out and what were the chances Jamie would be in the same place? It can’t be that likely._

_I don’t if things with Mark will be the same. I’ve tried to conjure some of the feelings he claims to feel for me, but all I can extend to him is friendship. I hated hurting him. It’s like kicking a puppy. My heart is spoken for and poor Mark is all I can say._

_I thought I was going nutters when someone said Sassenach outside of the girl’s loo. It was HIM! He was there this time and it was everything._

_I had convinced myself all this time that I didn’t miss him and then it came rushing to me. I missed his smile, the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed, and his cocky smirk after he’s given me numerous orgasms._

_I explained the Mark situation as I didn’t want him to think I was involved with someone currently. We went out for coffee and we talked. It was lovely. I think if we had talked a lot more prior to our break-up, we could have settled a few of our differences. The two of us are stubborn and set in our ways. I do regret ending it the way I did._

_Then he told me he needed me in his life. He needs ME! I feel seventeen all over again. We aren’t picking up where we left off. That bridge has been burnt to a crisp, but we are going to build a stronger one. I told him I was amenable to that. I am thrilled._

_p.s. thrilled is too little of a word, but I don’t know if there are any to encompass what I’m feeling. I LOVE HIM!!!!!!_

I closed the journal, my eyes flicking to her prone figure. Some of the stuff written were things she had told me over the years in snippets, but to read it as it was happening for her, it was a wholly different experience. She had never conveyed any of that to me the way she did in her journals.

It was like a role reversal. Many of those things she felt, I felt them on my end. We were a pair. “Oh Sassenach,” I murmured softly, smoothing out her hair. She leaned into my touch, a smile on her lips. “I’ll never let you go.” That was a promise I would keep.

We had gone through too much for it to not mean anything. This was it. We were taking the reins of our destiny.

Her written words were refreshing. Her point of view contrasted to mine in many ways and the way she perceived events was interesting. In those pages though, I saw my Claire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As of right now the story is complete. I might go back later and add a proper ending but for the time being, this is the last chapter.


	53. Not an update

I’m not announcing a hiatus or anything of that nature, but there’s a good probability (like 100% but I like my technical terms 😂) that I won’t make it all the way through 60 official chapters of Never Meant. I’ve just officially taken out (that sounds so final like I’ve assassinated part of my story) 3 chapters from my storyboard because it doesn’t really do anything for the story except be pure fluff and I don’t feel like writing that. So I’m skipping over it and going straight to the end.   
  


I think we are on like chapter 52 or something of that nature (please don’t quote me, I know nothing regarding chapter counts or events in my stories), but the next chapter will be the wedding and then we will jump straight into some future shots and the epilogues. If you have any requests for the future shots, please let me know. My mind is sort of one big blank at the moment, so I’m totally taking any and all requests. I can totally execute other people’s ideas hahaha 

Awkward rant totally over now. I really am like this irl. I apologize hahaha and maybe I should question my constant use of the word totally. 

But please feel free to make a request for a future shot. I’m down for it.   
  


P.S. to the reviewer who asked for the copy of the original story last week, so sorry and I’ll send it out probably tonight. My bad and if anyone else wants, I’m still sending copies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y’all are staying safe in these crazy times and enjoying what you can of the summer.
> 
> I’ve mostly just been sitting out on my porch around this time of day and enjoying the light breeze and the sunset with my cat. The downside is the like hundreds of bug bites I’ve received and yes I have bug spray, but I hate smelling like it.


	54. And through the good times and the bad times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An epilogue of sorts that was part of the original story, but I've done a bit of editing to it.

_Time is funny, falling in a drip, each drop a memory in a long stream, swallowed whole by the past, a blip in a long thread. Time folds and bends and some constants remain. In some lives, they’re friends, others strangers passing in the night- - shoulders brushing for a single moment, a single sweeping glance-- a soul calls out, recognizing its’ other half, but in the end, each life is a new start. There is no divine power that forces them together, to choose one another time and again. Providence is powerful, but so is free will and individual choice. Sometimes they’re nothing but a possibility, maybe a small mention in a footnote, or nothing at all. Sometimes they love hard, too hard and it falls apart. Others they’re adulterers, or mere acquaintances, husband and wife. Their souls constantly evolve as the cycle continues. A soul knows when a mind does not._

_And though many of their happy moments are together, a happy life is possible to achieve without the other._

_They never truly notice the absence of the other-- souls may cry out-- but there is never anything missing when no connection has been made._

1665- I Want to Hold Your Hand 

The winter of the year prior brought to them an omen in the form of a comet. It was a portent of evil events yet to come, and they all prayed nightly for their father in heaven to save their eternal souls from the damnation of hell. 

They had no way of knowing what 1665 would bring, nor how it would destroy everything they held dear. 

A young man was set to marry a young woman, the daughter of a prominent merchant in their tiny hamlett. She was a lovely creature with fair skin, quite a lovely bosom, and silky curls, which now that she no longer bore the title of child, she wore atop her head. Their fathers came to a mutually beneficial agreement the previous year, and they used the time to properly get to know one another as arrangements were made for their upcoming wedding. Their mothers planned and their fathers schemed, deciding their futures for them. All they could do was say yes. There were no real choices for her. He could have any, but all he saw was her.

He had never met anyone such as her with a beautiful heart, quick mind, and a sharp tongue. She was witty, educated, and far above most of the women of her station. 

They believed themselves to have all the time in the world and they never stood a chance when outside forces began to invade the quiet space they carved out to hide from the loudness. 

Her entire family fell to the deathly effects of the ghastly plague, a blight in their kingdom-- sparing none with no end in sight. They covered their mouths to prevent the miasma, but in the end it was a fruitless endeavor as it spread amongst the household, to all except her. She did her best to nurse the members of her family, but her mother succumbed within two days of showing symptoms. The doctor proclaimed it hopeless and asked for the house to be boarded up to prevent further spread, alas it was no use as her neighbor fell victim the next day. 

Her younger sister and brother passed into the next realm not long after, with her father finally following his family into the kingdom of God. 

Her neighbors began to whisper and spread vicious rumors about her-- the only to survive when her whole family was gone. Accusations were hurled and rumors spread that she was a witch who worshipped at the altar of Satan. They believed she prayed for everyone to perish around her to boost her status, yet he knew her. She had nary a cruel bone in her body and worked tirelessly to help heal those around her. He kept quiet though, afraid to gain the ire of the angry and the desperate. 

Many people in her neighborhood continued to fall victim, yet she stayed healthy and went about healing with herbal remedies she learned at the seat of her mother. Some whispered she desired the family business for herself and the position of trusted healer in the community. 

It wasn’t long until the discontent amongst them forced them to extreme measures. They tried and burned her as a witch. 

Prior to the trial, they stole minutes together, knowing their fates were sealed and futures stolen. She would die with the title of witch attached to her name. His thumbs caressed the smooth skin of her cheeks, downy like a newborn-- savoring the details of her face. Her eyes glistened as her body shook, knowing as well as he the fate awaiting her with the farce of a trial. The court of public opinion had decided long before her arrest and the announcement of her trial.

“My apologies Mistress Clare for what has befallen your family.” He tilted her face up, staring into the depths of her brown orbs. The clouds rolled in and the light fading from her eyes the closer she drew to her death. She walked proudly, head up, neck stretch taut, unwilling to give her accusers the satisfaction of watching her descend into hysterics. 

He watched as they tied her up outside of London, her face stony, yet her eyes bore the fear in her heart. Their faces showed their own resentment and fear mingled together as they prepared the fire. Some spit on her, others cackled merrily, and many relished in her condemnation to hell. They were all sure it was where she belonged as God would never let such filth into his home. “Disgusting trash,” they yelled. “Burn the witch,” they chanted gleefully, sinister smiles adorning their faces. 

Tears streaked his cheeks as he watched, for he had come to love the woman. He knew there was nothing he could do to save her and she did not wish him to either. 

“Close thy eyes,” he mouthed to her because he couldn’t close his. It was happening at a startling pace as the locals tied the rest of the accused witches to their stakes. All of their faces were hidden beneath layers of dirt, their hair matted and knotted, and blood crusted at their bound wrists. Their dresses which weren’t by any means fancy had at least once been unsoiled. Grime covered every inch of their morose, hopeless bodies as they accepted their fates. They were standing corpses, nothing but bone and broken lives. 

In total there were ten accused women, some spinsters, others widows, and many provided healing in their respective sectors of the city. Their trials resulted in their convictions to burn as witches as witness provided “undeniable” accounts of their guilt. 

Clare’s eyes were downcast and her lips moved quickly. In her last minutes, she found solace in God who seemed to have forsaken her in this life. If she had her beads, he knew they would be clutched tightly in her grasp as she waited for the end. To burn as a witch was heinous and viewed as sending the witches back to where they belonged with Satan. 

With precise timing, all of the pyres were lit and the women went up in a blinding blaze of orange. Most of the women screamed in agony; their squeals of pain called to his heart as they begged for release from this life. The voice he wanted but feared did not shriek in anguish as she’d never give them the satisfaction of knowing they caused her pain. Even at the end, Clare was too proud. 

The nightmare before his would haunt the remainder of his day, but he had to watch as the embers died around her charred flesh, and the people were finally satisfied their witches were no longer in the mortal realm. None of them would feel guilt if they believed they sentenced an innocent woman to death as they felt justified in their actions. 

The dark ashes from the ten women fluttered to the earth, freckling the hair of those who remained and mourned. “In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust thou shalt return.” 

She had done nothing wrong except try to save them all from this pestilence ravaging the continent and their home. She returned home to where she belonged in the form from which she originated: dust. 

There was nothing distinguishable left of her body and he turned his head unable to stomach the sight of her charred remains. He sent a prayer up to their Father for forgiveness in his complicity of this heinous act and begged for eternal salvation for her soul as she deserved so much more than had been given to her. 

She would gain entry to his kingdom, and perhaps all of them would some day join her and discover her innocence, or perchance they had doomed all of their own souls and he would never see her again. She was no servant of the devil, merely a woman trying to help others around her while they accused her out of jealousy and fear. 

“Farewell Clare,” he choked on her name, turning his back, refusing to turn around for he knew the pain was in leaving her behind. If he looked, he would want to stay. But she was gone. 

* * *

1776 - **you were on the tip of my tongue**

She was born to a prominent English family in the colonies and he was but a farm boy with nothing to offer. He worked in his grandfather’s mercantile shop, which is where he first saw her. 

She was fifteen to his seventeen years and her father was attempting to match her with potential suitors. He heard word of men traveling across the Atlantic, vying for an opportunity to catch her eye and secure her heart. So far she had snubbed all, refusing all offers for her hand in marriage. Some called her uppity and a snob, chastising her foolishness. 

He thought of her as a dreamer. Often when he went out on deliveries, he caught wisps of her in the fields. In her lap rested paper and her fingers curled around charcoal as she stared out into the world unknown. She moved the charcoal, sketching something known only to her, but he was never close enough to catch a glimpse. He considered approaching her, curious to address the girl who caused such a stir, but he was not suitable for the likes of her. Her father was tied to prominent loyalists and many in his family had joined the army to fight against the English. His father ran an illegal printing side business, disseminating pamphlets to enlighten the masses of the unfolding events in the colonies surrounding the formation of an army and their declaration for independence. He grew up surrounded by the words of some of the greatest thinkers of the time and though his family could not spare him to his studies, he was by no means uneducated. But still for a girl like her, he was nothing but a shopkeeper's apprentice. He would never measure in her father’s eyes.

And then one day she was there, in his grandfather's shop, moving between the stacks, fingers trailing over fabrics, and that same look in her eyes. She was here but somewhere else too. 

Elizabeth Wilson smiled kindly at him as she approached the counter. Her light eyes were bright and warm, and he found himself drowning in them, aching for her to reveal all her secrets. Her spun gold hair was pinned back into an elaborate style, one he had seen only women of her class wear. His mother and sisters had no time to spend on such frivolity and keeping up with the latest trends. There was a house to keep and they had but two servants to assist.

“Good morrow,” he greeted her politely, making eye contact, knees shaking as his fingers dug into the wood of the counter. 

There was a demure smile teasing her lips as she silently appraised him. “How do you fare?” 

"Quite well m'lady, how can I be of service to you?"

"I require a bolt of the blue fabric, a spool of silk thread, a sack of flour and sugar." She pulled out her pursue, the rattling of coins startling him. “Also a new bit, we’ve recently acquired a new horse,” she informed him, brushing invisible dirt off her skirts.

He tallied the price of her requests and she handed over the coins, daintily dropping it into his waiting hands. He wished he knew how to prolong this moment, keep her there a bit long, but alas time is cruel and fickle. "My father will send someone to fetch my purchases in due time. I thank you for your diligence, Mr. Fraser. I must be getting back home. Mother expects me for my afternoon lessons and told me not to dally in town. Good day," she curtsied and then she was gone as if she was never there. 

He did not see her again. Her father boarded her and her mother on a ship, sending them back to England for protection, or so he heard later from his sisters. At times during the war when he slept, clothes hanging off his body from lack of food and supplies, clinging to life after an injury to his leg, and upon his return when he passes her father's plantation, he thinks of that brief moment where she stood across from him. She was a ghost and a dream all wrapped into one. 

* * *

1863- **the long goodbye**

Clara sat in her rocking chair, watching as the sun set behind the copse of trees. Her hair flowed gently in the wind, the strawberry blonde strands curled around her face. 

Her fair skin was pink as she awaited the arrival of a letter that never came. She tried not to be too disappointed by the lack of news, but ever since the war broke out, she’d been a nervous wreck. With the progression of escalating violence, cousin against cousin, brother versus brother, she worried endlessly about all of the countless victims of this purposeless war. 

As a woman, she knew she had no business involved in the affairs of war. She considered becoming a nurse to all of the injured Union soldiers. She heard through stories about a fellow woman from Massachusetts who shared her name doing God’s glorious work healing men from the battlefield. It was said to be particularly gruesome as some lost limbs, eyesight, or their lives. 

The previous month was perhaps one of the deadliest battles to ever take place on American soil. Down in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania thousands of men fought over a three day period resulting in a 

northern victory. It felt hollow as most things did these days. Very little was considered joyful when thinking of the men and boys (because that’s what they were) fighting. 

She never felt such despair and prayed constantly for the end of warfare, for the return of the men, and for the country to solve its’ problems. 

Clara was the first person in her family born on this side of the Atlantic. Her parents arrived from Ireland twenty-three years ago, just two years prior to her birth. They spoke no English and struggled to make a living. It was difficult, but they did their best to provide for her and her siblings. 

At a young age, she became quite aware she would need to marry in order to leave her parents’ household as they had more than enough mouths to feed. The slums of New York City weren’t ideal for finding a male to provide, not that she particularly thought she was suited towards marriage or any domestic inclinations. It was through pure luck, she met Bostonian James Scott. He was descended from Scots, but his family had been here since the American Revolution, nearly a century prior when her own ancestors were still fishermen. 

He swept her off her feet literally as she was nearly trampled by a runaway cart. The moment their eyes connected, her whole world changed in the blink of an eye. 

It was how she ended up in the position she was in currently. She rubbed at her swollen stomach as she was almost at the completion of her second pregnancy. Her oldest daughter Eillis was asleep in her cot. She was the reason why she had not gone off to heal the wounded. God bestowed upon her a precious gift before her husband departed for war. Then on his last leave, their union resulted in another blessing. 

She wrote to her husband to deliver the news as it was unlikely he would return home any time soon, perhaps not until the completion of the war. 

His letters were long yet possessed no true details as to what transpired on the battlefields. Her wrote of his profound love and how he longed to hold her. He missed her truly and deeply, and wished for a quick end to all this nastiness; he feared however the war could go on even longer than they thought. 

It was the sound of hooves that alerted her to the presence of someone on the property. She squinted her eyes as she recognized the postman. 

He smoothly slid off his horse with a grim smile as he walked nearer to her. Her heart thudded painfully in her chest as she was aware of what it was he held in his hands. She wanted to cry, scream, yell, anything, but all along she knew she would receive this from the start. 

Her husband was an honorable man who would never choose the cowardly path. He would fight to the end even if the end was his death. “Mrs. Scott, I have two pieces of mail for you.” 

“Thank you Henry,” she said, her voice low, dismissive. “Say hello to your mother for me.” She plucked the letters from him. 

The first was one from her husband’s superior. Tears burned her eyes as she refused their release. It was all too much to have the confirmation. Her heart knew when it happened. It was the second day of battle when she felt something cold pierce her heart; she was breathless and in pain, crying out for him. Then she felt empty and alone. 

Her breath caught in her throat as she saw his familiar scrawl on the other envelope. 

My dearest, 

How do I explain that I fear I will not return to you? I’ve had a vision of some sort in which I saw all that will come. We’ve retreated for the night, but tomorrow is another day in which I know to be my last. 

I saw you clearer than I have with my eyes open. It is your soul I recognized the day I saved you as it ‘tis not the first time we’ve met. Our lives have been intertwined for over a millennia as we keep working with each life to correct our mistakes. We never can live a life where the issues of the times do not interfere with our chances to be together. 

In this life, I’ve enjoyed the pleasures of your flesh. The fruit of our labor exist to display the love we hold for one another. It could never be a mistake to have loved you. With each new life, I have a chance with you once more. Not in every one do I take the chance, nor will I as I have seen. 

One of our daughters will bare a line of descendants for us, in which you will be reborn again. The concept does not frighten me as it did initially because it’ll start again. I will wait for you in the starlight until you no longer cling to this life. Some years will pass before you’re ready for the next one, which will be quite grand. Do not worry for I will not reveal the details. Just know I cannot bring myself to regret a single minute spent with you, only the ones where we were not together in spirit but only heart. My heart belongs to you for eternity. Love’s not Time’s fool.[1] 

For we will surely meet again and again, perhaps you will not be a stranger. I cannot know for sure, for there are too many lives in our future and too many roads still as yet undecided. 

Clara, my love, do not despair over the shortness of our love. Let it embrace you and do not fear loving another for I know in your heart, I hold a place no other can take. While I do admit to possessing a strong sense of envy for and curse the man who will take the role of your husband and father our children, I thank him in the same breath. 

You’ve been my angel and guiding light through the disaster of this god forsaken war, alas I foresaw from the beginning there was no surviving for me. Think of me only in your dreams for I do not want sadness clouding your life. You deserve nothing but happiness for the rest of your days, my heart. 

Trust me when I say, we will meet again. Until then, I love you then, now, and forever. With all my heart,

Your loving husband James 

Tears splashed onto the parchment of the last letter he ever wrote. She never had the chance to tell him of her shared vision as well, in which she saw all of their lives with clarity, and understood why they were continuously born again. Each life was a chance for an undying, never ending love meant to last an eternity.

* * *

1945- Six Feet Under 

My body shivered as I was forced again into the hole for punishment for insubordination. I was a POW captured by the Japanese with thousands of others. We were treated no better than animals, sometimes even worse than that. 

One of their favorite punishments was to withhold food from us. We were delirious from starvation and pliable enough still to work. The Geneva Convention might as well have not existed for them. 

Every few weeks, we heard rumors about our possible liberation, but as time went by, we lost hope. In the beginning, we were all so hopeful. The war couldn’t go on much longer. The Japanese however weren’t surrendering. I had seen a few people in my time here executed for their attempts to escape and cried myself to sleep, knowing I couldn’t help them. The Japanese executed others for the attempts of one. 

Tenko was the worst time of day for any of us. We were forced to line up for roll call like chattel as we were forced to bow deeply for the Japanese officers. Those who failed to do so were brutally beaten, a few teeth knocked out, or a broken nose. 

I was a nurse for the American Army as my parents sent me away at the start of the war. I was sixteen almost seventeen in 1937 when they sent me off to New York to live with my uncle. There was growing unrest on the continent, and my parents were worried about the future. They never imagined Germany invading Poland, or the declaration of war by the allies as a result. 

My parents wanted me to finish school in America and attend a university over there instead of in Paris, where I originally wanted. I enrolled in a nursing program, and when the American Army was looking for nurses, I joined immediately. I wanted to do my duty. 

The U.S. was slowly preparing to enter the war as more and more news reports indicated the struggle of the Allies in all the battle theaters. People were restless and doing what they could, but everyone wanted to do more. The Japanese were pushing their boundaries in the Pacific, and the attack on Pearl Harbor, Singapore, Malaya, Hong Kong, and several other U.S. naval bases scattered around the Pacific. 

I was stationed in the Philippines with my unit and we served during battle. When Bataan and Corregidor fell, 78 of us were captured and imprisoned around Manila. We had tried to evacuate, but we were left stranded and the Japanese found us. 

We continued to serve in the camp despite our status as POWs. We had to do something and there were so many wounded. 

I had been here so long; I was tired. I didn’t care what form my salvation came in anymore either. The rumors no longer held any sort of credence for me. We were going to die here and that was all. 

While we had medical training, we weren’t all too useful to them in the grand scheme. We were still more mouths to feed, which was why our servings were getting smaller. I could see my ribs and my cheeks were sunken in. It was a frightful sight against my purple and blue mottled skin. There was a lot of talk about them possibly eliminating us to hide evidence of their treatment. We would be forgotten to time, our names just added to the hundreds, thousands of names of soldiers MIA or KIA. 

I’d briefly heard rumors from some of the officers who spoke bits and pieces of broken English (and with the assistance of the little Japanese I knew) that the Japanese were struggling immensely to fight off the Americans. After the devastating blows in which they retreated, they’d come back stronger and far more prepared for round two with the Japs. 

They were supposedly mounting an extensive attack. I didn’t believe in that hogwash. I was firmly entrenched in reality and knew our chances of making it out alive were slim. 

My eyes slithered close as I shivered. In my malnourished state, I wasn’t able to properly regulate my own body temperature. I was always cold. I was so exhausted and all I wanted was to sleep. Sleep 

was the reprieve from all of this. I didn’t regret my choices. I would do it all again even if it meant dying here in a foreign land. I was doing something useful with my skills and life, and I had helped so many soldiers. 

Someone shook me rapidly, startling me. My eyes flashed open to find the most spectacular set of blue eyes on the planet looking back. There was such expression in them as he carefully regarded me. I saw the empathy not sympathy in them as he helped me to my feet, never once behaving as if I were unable to do it myself. “Are ye okay?” I heard a hint of Scottish in his accent, but more than anything he sounded distinctly American. 

I nodded my head dumbly as I followed this man. He held my arm so tight, and I thought if I never met another man in my life, I would be fine. Then a shot rang out and all I saw was red as the blue faded from his eyes.

* * *

2103- **i know we're cool**

In the beginning, he misses her. He thinks of her constantly, his head filled with constant thoughts of the girl he had known since childhood. He wishes for more time— but she is a cruel mistress. And he has run out.

When he passes her in the halls, he lowers his eyes, keeping them downcast until he turns the corner. It pains him to see her with eyes sparkling like silver, smiles not for him, and moving on from the time they shared. She does not hurt the way he does. The monotony of his days kept him going in the beginning, the familiarity of the school cycle. But there are pockets in those days, moments where he remembers the space she filled in his life. Without her, there’s an overwhelming silence where once sound existed.

He no longer ventures out into the world, trying new restaurants or sitting around a cafe table to discuss the merits of whatever book they’re reading. She no longer regales him with adventures and the daily happenings in her life. He misses none of it. He no longer misses her.

Though his phone lights up with the occasional text, his heart knows it is not her. Without her, he’s increased his own productivity, grades climbing and extra hours dedicated to his studies. She was a distraction, at least that’s what he tells himself.

But sometimes he is weak. Sometimes he aches for the days when she was there. Mostly, he has banished her to the shadows of his mind, watching the darkness swallow her into nothingness, tossing out over a decade of memories for he can longer bear their existence. He almost convinces himself he hates her.

He catches a flash of blonde hair, ducking his head into his locker to avoid meeting her gaze. His mind whispers of possibilities, silently pleading with him to talk to her, listen to what she has to say— disappointment crawls through his veins every time she walks away. He searches for her in the face of every blonde who crosses his path. His heart stutters to life when he thinks it’s her, blood thundering in his ears, the pang of loneliness echoing off his hollowed insides.

He has taken to people watching, eyes sharp and attentive as his gaze rakes over strangers, observing them and overcome with the desire to be like them— to move on with his life, to have a life.

His life has deviated off course, from all the plans he made and dreamt, and now he’s left to flounder. Making friends wasn’t his specialty until she came into his life. She shone brighter than any star he ever saw, burning bright and hot, and she brought him to life.

Isolation has made him realize his own loneliness. He thought he could handle it. After all, hadn’t he spent his first years alone? He was good at it until he wasn’t until his eyes land on the empty space on his nightstand where once a frame sat proudly. Now he’s buried it somewhere in his failed efforts to remove all traces of her from his life. It is all gone now, over. Yet pieces of her linger in the fabric of his life.

He adjusts the way he measures time, no longer by the flurry of messages and calls with her, or the hours spent in each other’s company.

And one day, he fully separates his life into two separate spheres. There’s BC and AC. Now there’s only _after Clara._ Her infiltration into his life disrupted the path he was set on and now he no longer knows where he is. He wants to go back to before there a _them_. To a period where he didn’t know what it was like to have her in his life. She’s spoiled everything.

This is the new reality. There are no more scheduled date nights, late evenings spent laughing bent over textbooks, pouring over notes. She’s gone from his life, vanished like a spectre.

He rubs his chest, angry the pain still resides in the crevices of his heart. If he knew it would end up like this, he would’ve ignored her the day she offered her hand, folding him into her light. He knows his mind is full of lies. He would fall all over again and keep falling.

It’s another day, same hallway when he spies her. Hair spun like good trails down her back, a tint of red peeking out, coming from her father’s side. Her eyes are pale, set in a slant, and he recalls the last time he was close enough to see them. They were wet with acceptance, disdain written into the lines of her face.

She refused to let go, hadn’t wanted to, but it was the right choice for them. He saw how she sometimes stared at Peter, the hunger appearing on her face, and he knew the feeling. Maybe they were’t forever, but neither were he and her.

_“I love you,” he started. And he does. He did. He loves her so much, more than he thought himself capable. It’s a part of him, a hunger resting deep inside. “I do, but I’ve seen how you looked at Peter.” She opened her mouth to protest. His hand covered her mouth, face softening and fight exiting his body. “I know you say you don’t have feelings for him. I believe you believe that. However, this is the time where we should explore all of our options. It wouldn’t be fair of me to continue to hold onto you.”_

_And there was the acceptance. She was drained, exhausted and he hated to see the pain he inflicted upon, the filtered lies spilling out of his mind, anything to soothe her._

_This close, he sees the freckles dusting her cheeks, tiny constellations he’s mapped a thousand times. Lips hovering over them, fingers drawing invisible lines as he remembered everything about her._

_She sniffled, turning away from her as her lips trembled, mouth quaking with the repression of an explosion of words. She knew him too. He was determined and had cemented his decision. “I see,” she finally said, voice tapering off, wounded. Then she lifted her eyes to meet his. He knew the questioned before we asked. “Can we still be friends?”_

The words rattle in his brain even now a year later. He told her no, firm and resolute. He refused to waver. If he was going to get over her, he needed the space to do it. He needed a clean break.

He hadn’t spoken to her since that day. With a month until their graduation, he’s heard through the rumor mill that she’s off to London in the fall, poised to become a doctor. She was leaving. His opportunities were sparse, thinning by the day, and if he was going to finally talk to her, he had to do it soon. She was leaving as she had always wanted—with more than just time separating them.

He stands in front of his locker, sighing as he searches for his notes. A soft “hey” reaches his ears and he freezes. He closes his eyes, shoulders steadily rising and falling as he takes a deep breath before turning to face her- - the girl he gave away. She’s different and the same. “So I wanted to tell you this myself because well… it’s the thing to do in these kinds of situations.” Just as he knew her question over a year ago, he knows the words that will fall from her lips. “I didn’t want you hearing it from anyone but me, but Peter and I are dating.”

Over the last year, he called his pain the _beast_. It was hunger that grew and grew, burning him from the inside out, always wanting more. He allowed it to ravage his body, feeding off of him, and he did nothing to appease it. He enjoyed it. It made him feel alive, tethered to his own existence.

With the confirmation of her new relationship, he expects to feel the beast rising up inside of him. Instead, it’s not exactly nothing he feels, but it isn’t anger, hurt, or torment. He doesn’t feel betrayed by her. Part of him is happy that she’s been able to move on, that she’s happy.

There are things he does miss— strolls through the park, laughing boisterously as their hands brushed before one of them reached across the Rubicon, boldly tangling their fingers. They would turn away with a blush dusting their cheeks, pretending it was the heat responsible for their flushed appearances. The current of electricity flowing between was nice, the soft feel of Clara’s hand in his, and he almost always said something stupid, revealing his feelings.

A grin stretches across his face, genuine and thankful. It feels surprisingly good to smile. “Oh… well that’s great.” He ruffles his hair. “If you still want well I think we could try this friend thing. There’s a few months left before college and I mean only if you want.”

He kept his distance all year, choosing desks as far from hers as physically possible to avoid having to look in her direction and the possibility of being partnered. It was far from the mature wya of handling a break-up, but he needed to do it to move on from her. Everything was still fresh at the start of their senior year, his heart clenching every time he saw, air snatched from his lingers, and he needed a minute to settle himself.

The empty desk beside him mocked him in the beginning, taking great delight in manifesting as the representation of his pain. He refuses to budge on his position. He didn’t go for the gentle snip, electing for the deepest cut. 

“Yeah, I’ve realized that maybe we weren’t meant for each other in this life.” 

"I'm sorry I hurt you."

"I know you would never intentionally cause anyone pain. You don't have it in you. Some things just aren't meant to be." 

“Thanks for still being my friend. I know it’s not easy.” Months ago those words would've killed him, teased him until the edge of sanity, but now they're words.. 

He swallows with some difficulty. It was the hardest thing he had done up until that point in his life. Later, years later, he'll have made harder decisions, having forgotten all about how he struggled in the aftermath of his first breakup. Snipping those threads will mean nothing, but at that moment, plucking at random threads, he realized how embedded into his life she was. 

“I’ll always be that Clara.” Except he wasn’t. After she went off to school in London and he went to Washington, it was a long time before h4 heard anything about Clara Anderson. And even longer before he saw her. 

There was finality to their last meeting that summer. Something in their eyes said this was it. So he hugged her and then he walked away, tucking Clara into a box to be stored. 

When he saw her ten years later, she was married not to Peter, but someone she met in medical school. He was tall with dark hair and eyes, but a kind look about him. He wasn’t anyone he would’ve imagined for her ten years ago. Still somehow he fit perfectly into the tapestry of her life.

He knew she had a daughter of her own whom she named Libby, well really Elizabeth. Through the same grapevine, he knew she adopted the little girl as she and her husband had difficulty conceiving until they didn’t. She was currently pregnant, the evidence a tiny bump at her midsection. She was no longer a young woman on the precipice of her life. She had grown and moved on and so had he. 

From afar at their reunion, he saw as she fixed her husband’s tie. She stared up at him in complete adoration and his eyes sparkled as he looked down at her. She was happy. He found he was happy for her--that she found something for herself. 

At the squeeze of a hand, he glances over at his wife, Laura. It was once considered the most painful moment in his life when he called his relationship off with Clare, but Clara was his past. Just as she had moved on in their time apart, he had too. He had two children with his wife, a house full of dreams, and nothing but hope for his future.

Clara was a high school boy’s dream and he was a man beyond the whimsies of a child. A part of him would always love her, but he learned to let someone else in after he grew up. She was his first love, but he had to let her go. They weren’t meant for each other in this life and that was okay.

* * *

2364- **She Will Be Loved**

“You know you’re awful sure of yourself,” her posh voice caught me off guard, but I heard the interest she tried to hide. Her eyes were teasing and full of mischief as she regarded me with twitching lips. 

Something tingled inside as soon as I saw her on the city transport. I had to talk to her, if for no other reason than to hear her talk. “You’re beautiful,” I felt the hot flush of my face as the unexpected admittance slipped past my defenses. If anything though, my candor pleased her immensely and she threw her curly head back and freely laughed. I knew she wasn’t laughing at me. It was a rich sound, boisterous and exuberant. She didn’t care who heard her.

She offered her hand for me to shake as we made our introductions. “Clare,” she said. 

My tongue caressed the sound of her name as it escaped my lips. “Jaymes,” I told her as my hand held onto hers a little longer than was polite. It was odd, but I felt as if I’d been here before, yet I knew this was the first time we’d ever met. “There’s something very familiar about you.” I hope she felt the same about me. It was a connection. 

She was pleased as she straightened her posture and put away her pad. “Oh I was thinking the same thing about you. I could’ve sworn we’ve met, but I think I would remember someone with your distinguished profile.” 

I grinned goofily at her as I raked a hand through my ginger curls. Being a carrot top, especially as a male wasn’t the easiest thing to bear. In a city of so many people like London, I sometimes still found myself sticking out. “Yes, and I think I would know if I saw a girl as breathtaking as you.” 

These weren’t lines either to get her to agree to a date. She was captivating and riveted my interest from the moment I first saw her sitting on the bench waiting for our transport. Her cheeks turned the most delectable shade of pink, which I found endearing and quite refreshing. Some girls were perhaps too forward and lacked a sense of modesty when attempting their pursuit of me. It was off putting.

“You’re very good with your words, maybe there’s a chance for something after all.” 

I beamed at her and made myself comfortable as we sped across the English countryside. “That’s all I’m asking for.” 

It seemed as if our meeting was pre-destined and a part of me believed it was.

* * *

We’ve met in many lifetimes. She’s been many things from a widowed nurse in the Civil War, a nurse in WWII where she discovered love too late, a suffragette arrested multiple times and beaten, and so many other versions of herself varied based on the time. Many of her characteristics carried over from one life to the next, and in almost every life it was her personality that captured my interest from the beginning. I, myself have been a warrior for my clan, a soldier fighting for the reunification of the country I came to call my home, a soldier meeting a nurse moments before I was no more, or a member of parliament refusing to accept my wife’s sudden interest in enfranchisement. Over and over again our souls meet and we are given the chance to start anew. Some lives we are destined and it’s inevitable. It’s always different, but we always recognize there’s a missing piece and sometimes that’s enough. We endlessly search for the lost half separated from us at the beginning of man when the gods were jealous and angry at us for being whole. 

I don’t always get it right, but I search for her nonetheless. Maybe one day we will finally rest, but until then I enjoy the moment where I die and see it all flash before me. It aches occasionally as I review lives where we didn’t meet or we did but failed to start. Then I replay the ones where we are happy and have a family. I recognize the souls of my children and bless them at each passing, hoping to help her bare them in the next life as well. Sometimes we aren’t always lucky, but we keep trying. Each life is a set of new opportunities and chances that bring with it new and old struggles. 

We get moments in the in-between before our souls are called back to the mortal realm. We exist in the light in the night sky as our souls prepare to travel again. It’s not nearly enough time to discuss it all, but we mention our favorite ones. So far, we both agree our time as Jamie and Claire in the 21stcentury has been one of the most interesting, certainly not the easiest, but provided the most happiness and helped usher in our next lives. 

We’ve touched on the sadder stories of our lives. London wasn’t the first time she burned as a witch. She burned in the Salem Witch Trials and again in the next century when she was accused by a jealous girl of performing nefarious deeds in a Scottish village. Three lives in a row were interrupted and she never lived past twenty years of age. In only one of those lives did I die young. She had no chance to live her life and spent a long time waiting for me. 

In one life, she died in a pogrom against the Jews during one of the crusades. We never met. I was a crusader completing my duty in reclaiming the Holy Land, and perhaps I would’ve never looked twice at her, or maybe I would’ve when I felt the connection flow between us. It’s always sad because in some lives we can’t know what would’ve happened had our circumstances been different. 

What we’ve learned isn’t that we need each other to be a whole person. While we do fill in the missing pieces, we don’t need the other to lead a happy life. Certainly some of the happiest ones were together, but I’ve learned to love her not because she’s my soulmate. I love her for being her. In the time without her if I die first, I have time to contemplate and examine details about why our lives don’t always inter-twine or why we aren’t always happy together. 

Jamie and Claire Fraser are perhaps the best example. For one, we learned to accept the other’s faults. It is difficult to love someone simply for being themselves, especially in the wake of loss. More so than any other life, the words of Thornton Wilder come to me. “Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?” The answer is of course not, we choose to live in the moment and it truly is the poets/saints who have the understanding of life. 

Jamie and Claire realized life the moment their son was stolen and all their broken dreams came to fruition. It was an awakening moment for them as they began to understand the realities that came with life. Living became a conscious decision. Not for the first time, I thought about how I merely existed for so long without her. My soul lingered in my body, unsure of my next move, and I pondered my choices. 

Our time was extraordinarily longer than usual in that life, extended by the advancements in medical care and our devotion to keeping our health. Claire went left the hospital eventually, electing to free herself from the confines of a hospital and joined a private practice to have more time for her family.

When the children were mostly gone, only our little one left hovering at home, lingering around her parents, Claire founded a hospital. It was a research hospital for cancer. She had watched it take her father, slow and painful— her young mind unable to cope with his suffering. She found investors, pouring much of her own fortune into it, and she helped usher in a new era of medicine.

She hasn’t always been Claire. Prior to the first incarnation of her name, she bore the name Elizabeth in all of its’ many forms until the Middle Ages. Then it became her middle name in almost every lifetime after. Although sometimes it cropped up as her first name from time to time. I had been called just about every single variation of my name from the beginning. 

“So think we will be together in this next one?” She asked, her tone casual, but I sensed the seriousness behind the question. 

It was different when we didn’t have corporal forms tethering us. We sensed emotions rather than expressions. My half reunited with hers as we became whole like we were meant to be. “I hope so because the last one sucked. I can’t believe you were with him. You could’ve had me.” I knew if she had eyes, they’d be rolling at that moment in annoyance. We’ve had this discussion previously after some of our other lives in which we shared a lifetime with another. Our jealousy wasn’t always easy to curb, nor did we always try to hide it. It was hard knowing someone else got to have what was ours. 

But the most important aspect was each other’s happiness. And we didn’t need one another to live fruitful lives.

“You were insufferable that time around. Besides, we met too late in that life. I was married with kids.” I felt her sigh sadly. “Our children’s souls never come to us when we aren’t together.” 

Claire missed them when they weren’t born to us. Usually they appeared in our lives as other people- -the children of relatives or close friends. There’s always a connection, a string tying us together, letting us know there’s more than meets the eye. “I miss them too.” Isla, Bree, Ava, and Brodie remained our constants since the beginning of our cycle. Sometimes there were others along with them if we were lucky. 

Isla and Bree had multiple name changes over the centuries, but their true essence stayed the same. I’ve enjoyed watching them. The two of them were the ones almost always born to us, while the other two were somewhat tricky. It depended on how long our lives together lasted or when we came together. “They’re always ahead of their time in every lifetime. They’re still living now, but in twenty- thirty years, we will be ready for them. Ready?” Her voice was steady and prepared for our next life. It was another chance to make happiness for ourselves. We weren’t always successful, but we worked with what we had and hoped for the best. Any life where she fell in love with me was a success.

“Yes, I love you.”

“I love you forever. See you on the other side.” Then she was gone. 

I sighed at the loss of her. Mentally crossed my fingers in my head and hoped for fate and destiny to be on our side. 

Brightness overwhelmed my senses. I was familiar with this sensation. 

“It’s a boy, Mrs. Patterson.” A red-haired woman smiled down at the squalling infant placed in her arms. 

Fuzz covered his downy head, although blood and afterbirth covered him, he was beautiful. “Oh James,” she cried happily, tears falling because she was a mother to a little boy. “Janie will absolutely love you.” 

Three rooms down, a mother nursed her baby girl born three hours previous. She had downy dark hair already beginning to curl and peek through her little yellow cap. Her skin was pink and flushed, her dark eyes wide. “Claire, you’re going to grow up so happy.” The infant stopped suckling and stared with unfocused eyes at her mother before continuing with her eating. She only just managed to start opening them and blinking at her surroundings. Everything was far too bright. 

She sensed honesty in this woman’s words, not that she knew what they meant. She wished the baby down the hall would quiet down because some people were trying to enjoy a meal. It must be a new kid. There had been four of them since she arrived, each one louder and more annoying than the last. 

She believed she had more dignity than all of them. It was rude of them to try and ruin her sleep when she was in the nursery. There was silence as she continued to feast from her mother’s breast, and thought perhaps she ought to befriend the new kid because he seemed to learn faster than the others.

* * *

Unknown Time: **Time After Time**

Lillia shook out her sun streaked curls. They were becoming quite unruly, but she didn’t mind at all. It made her feel wild and free; and free was something she didn’t feel a lot. 

Her father and mother were constantly on her case about choosing a subject for her major; nothing particularly appealed to her as she flicked through the various college catalogues. It all bored her. She wanted adventure and to broaden her horizons beyond her parents’ scope. 

The walls constantly felt as if they were closing in on her as she neared the dates for applying to university. She wasn’t entirely opposed to attending college, but nothing called to her. 

She thought about going in without a specific major, but her parents immediately frowned and refused to pay for school if she wasn’t going to have direction. 

Sometimes Lillia had impressions like she’d done things. It was comparable to déjà vu, but it felt different than that. She felt connected to places that held no meaning for her in her life. She toured Harvard University with her parents the previous year and found peace and happiness in the depths of her soul. A warmth of familiarity washed over her as she explored the historic grounds of the first university in America. 

Once when her family travelled to France, she found herself nodding along to conversations even though she had never studied the language. Words stood out to her. She spent time in a small French town, and felt a deep connection to it. She knew her family didn’t have any ties to France, so it was an odd sensation for her to experience. 

In New York City, as she walked the streets, she found herself knowing them without using any technology to guide her. It came to her as easy as navigating the streets back home. Strange things like that regularly happened to her where she had glimpses of other times and was envious. It was as if she briefly flashed into someone else’s life; someone whose life was far more grand than her own. They had adventure and love, and she had nothing. There was nothing in her life to fill her with purpose or passion. 

The warmth of the sun bathed her skin with its’ glorious, benevolent rays. As she leaned back, her eyes fluttered, and she felt the tips of her lashes on her skin. 

The grass tickled her skin as a breeze washed over her, keeping her cool in the midst of an Indian summer. Her mind cleared and she found herself dreaming. Dreams were better than her life and hers were so vivid. 

In her dreams, she was a colonial girl whose father was a loyalist and fervently supported the king. At sixteen, she ran away from her family into the arms of a man she had known since she was a girl. He was a patriot, and she knew her father would’ve never accepted a marriage between them with the war going on. 

A noise disrupted her from enjoying a light doze. She heard a sniffle, followed by a pathetic sob. Lily groaned because she hated criers. She couldn’t understand how people could do it so publicly. The embarrassment of such a public act made her cringe. 

She strained her ears to determine the direction the sound came from when she heard another sniffle. Within seconds, she was up on her feet and making her way towards whatever person was crying in a park during daylight hours. 

Her footsteps halted as soon as she caught sight of him. His eyes were downcast and she was too far away to see the color anyways. His hair was red with a few streaks of golden blonde. His face was mottled red, more from crying than the sun she thought. He made crying actually look beautiful, and the stirrings of envy started again in her stomach for she never looked that good. Her face usually got all splotchy and her nose was all runny. 

“What’s her name?” She asked as she neared the perfect stranger. He appeared around her age, although appearances were deceiving. 

Her parents worried about her ability to converse with virtual strangers as she constantly walked off as a child and made new friends with whoever was around. Her parents caught her many times on a trip back from the bathroom, conversing with a couple at another table. She enjoyed talking and anyone who listened was a friend to her. 

He stopped his crying and glanced up at her. Her voice caught in her throat at the sight of his eyes. They were such a wonderful shade of blue and so animated. She saw his heartbreak and loneliness, and the devastation some girl wrought him. 

She lowered her own eyes slightly embarrassed at her gasp of surprise. “Huh?” he asked her, confused by the strange girl with amber eyes. 

“Well...” she toed the grass as she tried to find her words. It was unusual to find her at a loss for them. “I.. uh well shit.. I mean I’m mucking this up.” She covered her face with her hands as she tried to compose herself. She wasn’t sure why meeting this boy was having such an impact on her. “If I were crying that hard, it would probably be about some stupid, worthless boy who broke up with

me. So was she? I can beat her up.” She offered immediately. 

A smile teased his lips and his eyes sparkled with mirth. “You don’t even know me.” 

She shrugged with a smirk. “I mean if some girl broke up with you and hurt you this bad then clearly she needs her ass kicked.” 

He couldn’t help but laugh at her candidness. “I could be a douche for all you know,” he pointed out to her. 

Lillia waved her hand dismissing him. “Nah, any guy crying in the park where everyone can see is clearly not an asshole. I’ve dated enough to know the difference.” 

He frowned at her before wiping it off his face. She couldn’t really read his eyes, but there was something in them, recognition? “Her name is Clarissa. We’ve been dating for two years or dated, I guess.” 

Her heart went out to him as this girl had obviously messed with his emotions. “I’ve known her since we were twelve, and it just seemed inevitable we’d date. However, now she’s talking about the medical profession and going to school on the lunar colony. She wants to do all of these amazing things and doesn’t want our relationship to hold her back as she knows I’m not much for travel. She says her ambitions outweigh her love for me.” 

“What a bitch!” Lily exclaimed, quickly covering her mouth. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called her that. I don’t know her.” She knew she had a tendency to speak before thinking. She called it like she saw it. Some people found her off putting, but she was born that way. 

“Nah, you’re right. She is one. I always sensed she wasn’t as into the relationship as I was. I pursued her and she got a thrill from the chase. I didn’t think she would break up with me so publicly. The kiss cam landed on us just as she told me she was done with our relationship.” 

She winced at this information and vowed if she met this Carissa, she’d kick her ass for being a bitch and hurting him. “She loves the Red Sox, and I thought it would be a nice gesture. I’m more of a Yankees fan myself, but I wanted it to be a nice day for her.” 

Lillia shook her head. “She’s not worth it.” She informed him with a straight face. 

She was him a few years ago when she dated a guy she had known since elementary school. By all means, he was perfect for her until he started asking her to do things she wasn’t comfortable with and getting frustrated with her. He would perform all these romantic gestures and make her feel special. It was later on she realized she deserved better than him. 

She changed so much in the six months she dated him. Her grades slipped because she was skipping class to smoke with him or going to parties on school nights. She got into a physical altercation with another girl after she implied she was more than a bit familiar with her boyfriend’s physique. She missed her curfew, snuck out, and then got arrested. That was where she drew the line. 

“I don’t think I’ll love anyone. I gave her my heart and she ripped it out.” 

It was a terrible feeling. It wasn’t easy to get over someone, especially when you thought you were in love. First loves were tricky like that. Countless sessions of therapy, at the behest of her parents, she realized she was in lust. It was devotion she felt towards him because he was the first guy to notice her. She was thankful in the end, he wasn’t her first love. It was a spot reserved for someone deserving of her love and affection. 

“How long have you been broken up?” There was something about his behavior that indicated more than some time passed between when things ended and the present. 

His eyes shifted warily as he fingered the wood of the bench. “Five months,” he finally answered after it appeared he wasn’t. 

“What brought you here today? Don’t give me any bullshit either as there’s always something that sets off a trigger.” 

His shoulders slumped as his eyes swirled with gray. She felt as if she were in the midst of a storm as something raged behind those eyes. “If you must know, she started dating someone else. I heard from a friend she broke up with me because I was boring and ‘clingy’ and she wanted someone who wasn’t so sensitive. Apparently, I wasn’t as adventurous or ‘edgy’ as she wanted.” 

If her impressions of this girl were negative before, it was nothing compared to what they were now. “You’re way better off without her. I’m going to give you some advice. After I ended things with my boyfriend, I was where you are currently. I thought I would be alone for the rest of my days. I didn’t date for over a year. My therapist told me loneliness is a choice. There’s always someone out there for you, and who will be far more accepting of your idiosyncrasies and who will love them. They won’t care if you don’t like traveling, or maybe you’ll discover you like traveling with them. Clarissa sounds like she hasn’t experienced a real emotion in her life, and is perhaps on the shallow side of things. You deserve to have a girl will love you and accept all you’re willing to offer her.” 

She watched as he wrapped his mind around what she said. Lily absolutely believed at the time she and her boyfriend split she would spend the rest of her days alone. Then she realized the ache in her heart lessened as time went on until she discovered one day it wasn’t there anymore. “It hurts and sucks, but this girl doesn’t deserve a tenth of the tears you’ve shed over her.” She observed him and realized he would probably like to be alone as she should’ve left him the first place. “I’m sorry if I’ve stuck my foot in my mouth. My mom says I have a problem with getting involved in the affairs of others.” 

She turned to leave when she felt a shock to her system. Her eyes traveled to the hand attached to her wrist. He had nice hands with long fingers and slightly calloused palms. It meant he wasn’t unaccustomed to manual labor. However, it was the tingles shooting up her arm that brought a new awareness to her system. “Wait, I didn’t get your name.” 

She grinned nearly splitting her face in half. “Lillia, but most people call me Lily. And yourself?” 

“McKenzie, however some people have called me Mac. It’s strange because I rarely if ever come to this park, but for some reason I did today. I woke up with a peculiar feeling as if my entire life were about to change and it did. I met you.” 

Her cheeks burned crimson, but she didn’t mind a little embarrassment. She searched for all this time for a future, but she understood she was looking in all the wrong places. She was trying to make happiness fit a mold; she realized she could do with a bit of mess in her life. “Then I guess it’s your lucky day because I’ve suddenly found myself wanting to go on a walk.” 

“Where have you been all my life?” It was rhetorical, but she felt compelled to answer. “Waiting on the other side of the river for you.”

He looked at her strangely for a second. “I was waiting to cross is all.” 

[1]Shakespeare, Sonnet 116 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the endless support you've given me over the last 3 years. I'm sorry I left the fandom so abruptly, but it no longer felt like the place for me. I wish you all well and hope you have a good year.


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